City of IF

[Grimmer]

Here's the deal: I'm greedy, and it looks like the other guy here has a monopoly. I'm also not a nice person.

If you want a critic before/after/during your writing, whether it's a small section you're struggling with or an entire work, I'll look over it and be brutally honest with you. The first submission is free, just send me a private message or reply to this thread here.

The price of any subsequent sevice...will be dertermined when I figure out how the monetary system works here...

[Chinaren]

Grimmer wrote: I'm greedy, and it looks like the other guy here has a monopoly.


The other guy??? Is that me? The other guy he says!!

~wanders away in shock~

[snow tiger]

lolz

[Geek_girl72]

First shot's free? Hmm, in that case, could you look over "Rite of Passage" for me? The new one, not the old one, just to be clear.

[Lilith]

Grimmer wrote: The price of any subsequent sevice...will be dertermined when I figure out how the monetary system works here...

My, my, my... you are greedy and you don't even know how Fables work. ;)

Fables are our source of currency here, you get them by posting in Storygames in the main forums mostly. Fantasy Forest, Jester Park, and Skiffyville.

You can also get them from other people for preforming services like this or graphics or what have you. The other way is through the Reviewing posts which I think if memory serves me correctly, are in Linear Lane. I don't remember that one too well.... :?

[Grimmer]

Thanks for the tip, Lillith :cool:

As for Geek-girl72, I'll look over your story as soon as I have a chance.

[The White Blacksmith]

I think it may take you a while to get close to Chin's wealth. In fact, I bet you 100 fables that you can't!

*knows perfectly well that by the time Grimm reaches Nerc's total, 100 fables will be nothing to him*

[Grimmer]

Deal ;)

[Grimmer]

Okay Geek_Girl72, I've read your story over, and here goes:

The beginning and first chapter was much more detailed than the second and third. I got the feeling from the first chapter that you had a clear idea of where the story was going, but that the rest was just filler; partially because it was so brief, and partially because you didn't give the same attention to detail.

For example: the part where your main character is watching the other students compete. You could have given us some interesting background on the school, student, and teachers in this part. You could have had some conversations/conflicts with other new students about what they were expecting and gossip about the school/the school's reputation. But all you do is state that it's a military school and that it's a tough place, which we already were clued in about in the introduction.

In addition, Lori's character seems a bit too erratic. I assume she has some psychological problems, but people with real emotional or psychological problems don't have all of them at once. She bounces between fear and timidity, to the point where she can't clearly express herself, to extreme anger at being touched, to remorse for her outburst. These don't mesh. Even if she's severely Manic-Depressive, her changes in mood wouldn't come all in five minutes. You should have stayed with one dominant trait or the other; as it is, she seems to be collection of contradictions used to make people think you have a complicated character, when you really were trying to cover up that you didn't put much time into this chapter.

Please keep this in mind for your next chapter. If you plan on using Lori more, please put the time in to make her a person, not a puzzle. All that 'unfathomable' crap went out the window years ago, readers like to relate to the characters, so don't make it impossible for them to do so.

So, in summation:

Slow down, more detail.

Take advantage of opportunities instead of re-stating previous points

Put more time into your characters

Don't be lazy.


I Hope that helps.;)

[Geek_girl72]

Wow...okay, I nearly had the next chapter done, but now I think I'm going to need to rewrite it :(