City of IF

[Phang]

Welcome to the TOTAL INSANITY channel! We hope you’re screaming in fear at the turmoil inside your brain!

Right now, we’re taking a break from seizure-inducing flashing lights to bring you a new programme, called…

THE ROOM
Episode 1: “I’m not sure, but I think we’ve been kidnapped.” Part one!


Deep within the Munch Mountains…
“Oohhh-om, oohhh-om, oohhh-om…”
“Oh great Sainsbury’s…”
“Oohhh-om…”
“Please send forth the latest Special Offers unto your vessel of knowledge…”
“Oohhh-om…”
“So we may spread the good news throughout the supermarkets…”
“Oohhh-om…”
“And the good people of the Earth may spend their money well. Amen!”
“Amen!”

The thin, skeletal creature at the head of the congregation, dressed in flowing, dark red robes, lowered his hands and stopped swaying. The crowds in front of him followed suit, ending the prayer, until the only movement left was the old lady who had gone in to use the toilet. Another avalanche, caused by her unbelievably noisy and gaseous discharges, rocked the outside of the Temple of Sainsbury’s. Jack Skellington sighed. His new job was just not the same.

Still, he couldn’t complain. These people thought he was the best thing since Sliced Bread. Sliced Bread being the name of Sainsbury’s ‘vessel of knowledge’ – a bird’s spine, still somehow capable of vision, speech and gymnastics. Slowly, he stalked across the stage to the grand oak door, beyond which lay Sliced Bread. Rapping on the door three times, he bellowed the second part of the traditional Special Offers rite.

“Sainsbury’s great vessel of knowledge, Sliced Bread, we salute and praise you!” the congregation cheered in reply, and began chanting ‘oohhh-om’ again. Jack hated that thing. So annoying. “Oh great Sliced Bread, what are to be the Special Offers for today?”

After the agonising ten minutes in which Sliced Bread set up his Godly Loudhailer of Sainsbury’s Knowledge, a huge, echoing voice bellowed to the waiting crowds.

“Let it be known henceforth from this temple, and throughout the supermarkets, that I, Sliced Bread, Sainsbury’s great vessel of knowledge, declare on his behalf that there will be 10% off on all – gyaaaargh!”
“Gyaaaarghs? We don’t stock gyaaaarghs!” Jack shouted, dancing for joy in his head. Sliced Bread had been caught out! He would be killed, and replaced! And who other to replace him than Jack?

However, Jack’s inquiry was met with deathly silence, broken only by another cacophonous fart. Slowly, he opened the door.

Sliced Bread was gone, replaced by an ominous hole in the floor. A bag dropped from the ceiling and smothered Jack, and within moments he too had disappeared.


Inside a particularly seedy stripclub…
All is calm – well, as calm as particularly seedy stripclubs get. People – mortals, that is – just milling around, doing various illegal and borderline legal things. That is, until –

“Thelo KaaaaKaaaa!!!!!”

A sudden rush of wind sweeps through the building, blinding everyone with a flash of speed. A sonic boom rips through the hall and blows out the windows, and in a moment of chaos all is lost. Then, the dust clears, and there follows rage and confusion. The drugs and underwear have been ripped from the grasps of everyone in the room, within less than a second and leaving no evidence of the culprit. Except, of course, the name.

“Fur luurve, ‘n’ pees, ‘n’ blood renbers…Thelo KaKa, away!” as soon as he had arrived, the disguised thief with the heavily colloquial and unintelligible accent was gone – or so he should have been, if something hadn’t prevented him from doing so. For a blast of light sent him spiralling to the floor, where the various naked men suffering from withdrawal symptoms began to advance. Sending them away with a single punch, he stood and proclaimed, in his most dramatic voice –

“Na just hooooo dare tur staind ‘ginst Thelo KaKa, greet’st superhero knowns ter main, woomain, dog, ‘flatable, aw monkey? Shows yerself!”

In reply, the lights crackled with an oversurge of power as the invisible assailant spoke. Its voice crackled with electricity but also hissed. “I am Lecro, the thing of unbeatable power! Fear me, for I ssssshall defeat you and sssssteal all the goods you have already ssssstolen!”

“Naev’r!”

“Yesssss!” Uncoiling from the rafters, a bright beam of light seemed to descend from the rafters, the shocking energy broken only by scales which formed into a head and tail at the top and bottom. Six long spines arched out of it’s electrical back, and it’s twisted face looked ready for murder. Not for the first time in his adult life, Thelo KaKa messed his pants in the face of danger.

The monstrosity known as Lecro leapt with full fury at Thelo KaKa, who drew his rifle from it’s hiding place within his now-brown underwear, in the vain hope it would work against such a thing. He wouldn’t have to use it, because as soon as Thelo KaKa had arrived, both he and Lecro had disappeared.

[Masterweaver]

Um, Lecro doesn't hiss. He only has a lizard's face. NOT a lizard's temperment.

Otherwise...

Oh wait! I forgot to add he doesn't have scales or an electronic cackle in his voice. Basicly, he's just a stick figure.

[Kalanna Rai]

So just why is Jack at a new job? Did he get board with being mayor or is he just looking for more excitment in his life?

[Phang]

Weaver, na'fense, but from now on I'm adopting this version of Lecro and doing with him as I will. Simply because I can't be arsed to change now.

And Jack Skellington got fired. All will be revealed...except for what Thelo KaKa's looking so pleased about. Sit down!

[Vampireidiot]

lol, i love thelo kaka!!
He rules the earth!! Just like kakashi! and kaki his twin! I could just see kakashi dumping in the face of danger!
" Take that Danger!!"
KAPOW! :lol:

[Phang]

Vampireidiot wrote: lol, i love thelo kaka!!
He rules the earth!! Just like kakashi! and kaki his twin! I could just see kakashi dumping in the face of danger!
" Take that Danger!!"
KAPOW! :lol:

Lol! :lol:

Second part of the chapter coming out bloody soon! Sit back...it's fartin' time!

[Phang]

Welcome back from that commercial break! We hope you’re still screaming! Now it’s back to…

THE ROOM
Episode 1: “I’m not sure, but I think we’ve been kidnapped.” Part two!


Underneath the dead surface of the Other Side, within Ralph’s lair… (if you have any dark and forebodingly evil music, please put it on now)

“This is perfect!” exclaimed Ralph, bursting out into sickeningly cheerful laughter. The pale red light of the feeble, dying sun outside shone onto his throne, magnified by several windows, just another thing making his home a place from the collective mortal population’s worst nightmares. The puppet-puppet thing gazed about, swinging its head from side to side in a confused manner. This wasn’t what it had expected. As for Roach…well, he was just hoping his repulsive costume would not blow off any time soon. Cuteness was not good for a giant cockroach looking for a job with the epitome of evil.

Ralph, with a great effort, stopped laughing and stood up, stretching his arms wide. “Welcome, friends, to the Other Side! You’re just the people we’ve been looking for! Especially you, the – errm – puppet, thing, if you don’t mind me saying. You’re absolutely perfect for the job! And, of course, nobody can go without a large roach to keep them company…” Roach mewled in response – puppet-puppet just nodded.

Were he able to talk, he would have told Ralph that his name was really Clive Johnson. Unfortunately, a lack of speech implements was one of the problems associated with being a puppet. Ralph babbled on, and Clive just stood there – he couldn’t hear, either. And it was terribly hard to lip-read someone whose way of talking had to incorporate very large teeth. Roach listened intently, and was jumped out of his shell when a thunderous cry ripped through the building.

“What the!” Ralph leapt across the walkways in one bound, leaving the pair on the other side of the mother pool. A huge yellowish creature with two mouths and three eyes sat between them was slithering down the stairs, roaring in rage and confusion. After it chased three heavily armed figures, covered in black metal armour so as to prevent anyone guessing their true form. Zombie-like creatures stormed from every available entrance, only to be thrown away by huge balls of dark matter shot by the figures’ weapons.

“¡Edge! ¡Máteles!” A green-skinned humanoid with a pig-like face charged in, long silver blades pointing out from his wrists and knuckles. He too was blown back, and before Ralph, slightly shocked, could command all his minions to attack at once, a sudden flash of light caused his disappearance.

Totally confused by the sudden attack, Clive was considering finding a less stressful hive of evil to live in, before he too experienced a moment of nothingness; it didn’t last long before he was dumped into another load of chaos. Roach, hiding behind the throne, costume missing, squeaked in fear – distracting the three creatures from the other minions. One of them commented on how cute he was, their voice echoing around their helmet. Then another flash of light – and he was gone.


Back inside the Temple of Sainsbury’s… (by the way, you can turn off that evil music now)

Another hole opened in the floor of Sliced Bread’s vacated chamber, and torchlight cast around the darkened ruins. Followers of Sainsbury’s being particularly fickle fundamentalists, they hadn’t waited patiently for their rulers to return, or elected some new ones, or even caused chaos in their religious confusion. They had, quietly and calmly, smashed up every ancient relic*, ripped the Polythene bags of Godliness, and spilt the Holy Half-price Milk. They had then left, leaving a note on the table which read: “No hard feelings, but we’re off to find a god which doesn’t disappear. Signed, the New Followers of Tesco.” Obviously, it was no surprise that the skilled exploring team of SporkLorcs** thought the place to be a ruin. If they had arrived just a few minutes before, they would have been proven wrong in a very violent but calm manner.

A large chicken’s head poked out from the hole, the torch in its beak shining around a blindingly white light. With a flap of its wings and a half-decent jump it escaped the hole, followed by a 12-year-old girl wearing a hard hat. The chicken sighed, its pink feathers rippling. “Such a shame. This looked like such a nice place to live from the brochure.”
“Chicken, we’re an exploring team. We’re not home buying.”
“Oh yeah. Still, with a bit of renovation…” The giant chicken scratched around in the dirt (‘checking the flooring’), while the girl slipped through the collapsed doors to have a look around. All was going well until a sudden, roaring explosion ripped through the building, followed by a cataclysmic avalanche. “Chia! This is the end!” screamed the chicken, diving through the ruins to hug the girl tight. “I have a confession to make! I’m –”

The avalanche subsided, as did Chicken’s confession. Chia shrugged him off a decided to search for the cause of the explosion, to see if it was safe to continue. The cause quite readily revealed itself – the door to the toilets opened and an old lady hobbled out, not in the least shaken. “Sorry about the noise, me dears!” she shouted up to the SporkLorcs**. “Did I cause that mess?”

Without her noticing, the old lady’s handbag began to beep rapidly, sending a message to Chicken’s own. Suddenly, the pink leather abomination opened, revealing a portal into which the SporkLorcs** were sucked, which quite surprised Chicken, as last time he had checked it was full of man thongs, not portals.

*Yes, even the Doughnuts of Past Sell-by Date.
**Sponsored by Gaydar.


THE ROOM, Corridor 92, Top-secret Government Facility, 666 Walmart Avenue, Jupiter.

With a zap, a giant pink cockerel clutching a handbag and a 12-year-old girl wearing a hard hat appeared inside the room. Ralph, who was sitting in the corner next to the mysterious curtain, snorted in contempt and looked back down at the ground, where he was making various strange and obscure scratchings. Thelo KaKa looked around and immediately regretted it, as his dilated left pupil took in the sheer detail of the bright pink feathers, causing him to vomit and suffer a terrible migraine for the next hour. Both Lecro and Ralph snorted in sarcastic contempt.

“What is this place? And why is it in my handbag?” Chicken looked around. Most of the creatures here were so wrapped up in confusion and misery that they hadn’t even noticed them arrive. There was a man in a cloak and billowing trousers…Chicken thought they might be called ‘parachute pants’ or something, and he was wearing strange springy devices on his feet. After puking all over the floor, he had massaged his head and pulled out a porn magazine from nowhere, hiding his face behind it, which Chicken hadn’t seen. A crest of greying hair rose above it, tilting to one side.

A humanoid creature with ribbed, sunburnt flesh and ragged blonde hair sat with a diamond-topped cane next to a curtain, a purple top hat sitting next to him. In front of him were various symbols carved into the ground, of a type he thought he might have seen in some very evil ruins. Next to him sat a kitten-sized cockroach, which looked up and smiled sweetly, mewing just like a cat. A large wooden figure with red designs over it floated around in circles in the other corner, another wooden figure hanging from its hands by strings. Both had an almost sentient look in their eyes, as well as total savagery. In the middle of the room, a serpent-like being with a torso of electrical energy and a spined back was trying to do something that looked like it involved intense concentration and magic. Its lightning-bolt hands were moulding into a ball of power, sucking in the air and light around it. And huddled together in the darkest corner was a skeletal figure in long red robes and another skeleton, namely a small spine the type of which Chicken had seen before when he’d gone for an X-ray. Somehow, the two were talking rapidly to each other in whispers.

“This place is not in your handbag, stupid.” Snarled the ribbed creature, revealing its huge carnivorous teeth. “We’ve all been sent here for a reason of some sort. Personally, I blame Phang.”
“Who’s Phang?”
“Your mother, for all I care. I’m out of here soon.” Turning back to the floor, it made another long scratch down the middle of the image with a gloved hand. The scratches were taking on a blue tint, growing in power. Meanwhile, the electric serpent’s power ball began to distort space, pulling its creator in with it.
“Bet I can get out of here before you!” it hissed, even the sound being distorted.
“Ah teks yer up orn tha’ challing!” shouted the grey-haired man, throwing away the magazine and standing up, revealing his face to be covered by a mask proudly proclaiming the word ‘GAY’ for no apparent reason. Chia simply rolled her eyes and went to sit with the cute cockroach as Chicken became witness to a very dangerous battle of skills.

The scratches’ blue light grew in power, as did the serpent’s ball of it, forming a miniature black hole, which began to envelop its face completely. The man just began jumping up and down at speeds almost invisible to the naked eye. All were increasing in power and speed, throwing everything else into chaos…then…

There was a loud bang and all three collapsed in a heap in the centre of the room, exhausted by their failed efforts to escape. A flap in the wall opened to reveal a loudspeaker, from which a woman’s voice echoed around the room.

“Would all ROOMates please refrain from trying to escape. It is against the rules of THE ROOM.”
“Who the hell are you and why do you keep saying ‘the room’ in capital letters?” demanded the skeleton-like creature in the robes.
“My name is Big Mother. Welcome to THE ROOM, Jack Skellington.” Jack looked around, unsure of how to reply. The bird’s spine aided him by doing a back flip towards the loudspeaker, which was rewarded with an electric shock. “Do not attempt to escape or to hurt Big Mother. For this rule-breaking you must be punished.”
“Yeah? And what are you gonna do?” snorted the ribbed creature, picking himself up off the floor. “I’ll have you know I’m nigh-on invincible!”
“So am I!” agreed the serpent-bolt.
“Well…” mumbled Big Mother, trailing off into evil thoughts…


So what does Big Mother do? Suggestion phase b-b-b-begins! Go get evil!

[Masterweaver]

I love the cockeroach!

But Lecro isn't stupid. He knows when to back down.

[Phang]

Masterweaver wrote: Lecro isn't stupid. He knows when to back down.

Lecro, not stupid? Don't make me laugh.

...Actually, do. This is supposed to be a humour sg, after all.

[Phang]

Come on! Any more suggestions? People are counting on you for hope of refunds!

[Masterweaver]

Well, nobody's tryed negotiating yet...

[Phang]

Masterweaver wrote: Well, nobody's tryed negotiating yet...

Kyatcha-pa-pom. Everyone's been beaten to it by the idiot.

[Masterweaver]

Call me unobservant, but who's the idiot?

Please tell me it isn't a black leather robe...

[Phang]

Masterweaver wrote: Call me unobservant, but who's the idiot?

Please tell me it isn't a black leather robe...

It is. How's that for starters?

[Masterweaver]

DIE! DJIE! DIE! *dragged out by security guards*

[Phang]

Ok, it's been a week and the only option is negotiation. Which isn't an applicable option. This is what Big Mother does, not what the ROOMates do. Which just goes to show Weaver really doesn't read what he posts on that well.

Since it's Christmas, I'll give you another week. Otherwise, it's no-refunds time and all the lovely fables go to me without any effort on my behalf! Which isn't very Christmassy.

[LordoftheNight]

So he's nigh on invincible huh? Just leave him then - stick him in a big glass cage, unable to communicate with anyone else, unable to move, but able to see.

[Phang]

lordofthenight wrote: So he's nigh on invincible huh? Just leave him then - stick him in a big glass cage, unable to communicate with anyone else, unable to move, but able to see.

Now that's what I'm talking about! :-D :lol:

[Masterweaver]

Lecro is not a physical entity. The thing people call Lecro is his body, but his mind would easily defeat a few million supermen.

[Phang]

THE ROOM is a seperate, living entity of its own, which dampens all powers within it.

The brochure says the above, but my heart says STFU!

[Masterweaver]

Oh. sorry.

Didn't see that.

[Phang]

Masterweaver wrote: Oh. sorry.

Didn't see that.

Lol, it wasn't there. Just keep Lecro to a sensible level, ja? Ralph's got to do the same thing. He's only got a purple top hat to his name now.

[Masterweaver]

Lecro or Ralph?

[Phang]

Masterweaver wrote: Lecro or Ralph?

Ralph. Unless Lecro also has the Worst Style Sense in History.

[Kalanna Rai]

I'm thinking Jack would ditch the robes for his usual black stick suit and keep the robes handy to strangle someone.

What about Jack asking the loudspeaker if a sacrificial offering of one of the OTHER, since it's Jack making the offer, roommates would appease it for the time and apologize for the inconveiniance.

[Masterweaver]

Lecro would simply relacxx. Let everything happen around him. Manage to catach an apple in mid air, dheck it out for blemishs, and puts it whole in his mouth. Calmly pulls out core and tosses it into trash. Tells Principal he ignored the whole foodfight. Blackmail instegaters later if he needs anything.

[chiacutie]

Quote: 12-year-old girl wearing a hard hat.

*Ahem* I'm thirteen now.

-edit- A suggestion... Whatever happens, I wanna squish ralph with soehting! It doesnt have to NECESSARILY kill him, but you know, a nice ralph squashing would be a good belated birthday present you know.

[Masterweaver]

Yeah, kill Ralph.

[chiacutie]

Masterweaver wrote: Yeah, kill Ralph.

Hey I dont think you've even been on the Demonic Forum!

[tramp in a storm]

lol. ssshhhh not that, Chia, lets keep that quiet.

I like the glass cage idea. lol. Then Big Mother could make Thelo Kaka show him his book. heheh, nobody can read that book and survive apart from Thelo Kaka.

[Phang]

chiacutie wrote: Masterweaver wrote: Yeah, kill Ralph.

Hey I dont think you've even been on the Demonic Forum!

Good god no we don't want him on there! I'm fully prepared to ban him outright unless he happens to behave differently.

[The White Blacksmith]

Chi's 13, I'm 12. I say drop them into a bottomless pit where they have to listen to an endless rerun of McFly mangling Queen's 'Don't Stop Me Now.'

[Masterweaver]

Them?

What about just one?

[Phang]

The White Blacksmith wrote: Chi's 13, I'm 12. I say drop them into a bottomless pit where they have to listen to an endless rerun of McFly mangling Queen's 'Don't Stop Me Now.'

She was twelve when she got her place in there, there's just a couple of months in between.

Like the idea though. Fiendish.

[Kalanna Rai]

We could strap them to chairs and make them watch horrible music videos like 'Thriller' by Michael Jackson and 'Oh Micky' by Tony Basil...just an idea....