City of IF

[NeverNeverGirl]

Trading places or a plot to suck the bejesus out of Barry and pump it into Demi...


Desdemona swept down on Bartrix like a freight train. Barry felt her presence like a physical blow and his head snapped back against the cushions of his chair.

‘Now, now, you don’t think that we might be able to discuss this like reasonable beings...’ Whilst his mouth stammered Barrys’ brain prayed with every religious bone in his body* that this might be a nightmare of some sort.

Desdemona Doomini could taste victory already and was surprised that it resembled nothing so much as the flavour of a good Chardonnay. She ran her fingers down the inside of Bartrixs’ shirt feeling along his ribs until she reached the spot just below his rib cage that would best serve her purpose. Tender like a rare steak it was soft, fleshy and most delicious looking...

Using a thick black marker, Desdemona marked the spot and left the room to make her preparations.

Taking his chance Bartrix surveyed his surroundings more thoroughly. It was then that he stumbled across the poker from the fire place propped just beside his feet** using the outlandish design of his boots (they were bright purple Gargoyle skin with a dandy hook tip) he picked up the poker and flicked it backwards into his hand. Tucking it carefully along side of his arm, covered by the extra wide sleeves it is de rigueur for all Heroes of Alandria to wear, he had rearranged himself just in time.

Desdemona strode into the room with a look of maniacal glee on her face. Pausing dramatically in the doorway she turned her face just so and her silhouette was framed perfectly for the cover of Evil Wench Weekly. The angular panes of her face were full of contrasting light and deep dark shadows, which added further dimension to her already painfully beautiful image. Preparing for her soliloquy she draped her arms dramatically across the doorway and turned her head to look at Bartrix.

In typical Evil one fashion she began her conversation by divulging all of the most important secrets and plot points of her grand plan.

‘It was told to me by the High Chieftain Ishamel that it is possible to bring one back from the afterlife if you have the right ingredients. It was necessary that first I attain the gem of Trintangal from the High Priestess Odette,’ She paused to indicate towards the highest shelf of the bookcase.

‘Then it was of the utmost importance that I collect the saliva of a maiden named Gretchen on the full moon and followed this up with the left testicle of a one armed man. Combined with one final ingredient and added to the Dastardly Machine that I borrowed from an Unspecified Species Friend it will provide me with the power to bring back my Demi.’

As she continued her oratory Desdemona swept around the room plucking up the said items and depositing them onto the large wooden table. Carefully she crossed to a small cupboard that Barry had previously not noticed, sweeping the door wide she carefully cradled the object she withdrew.

‘A Turkey baster!?!’ Barry almost laughed himself sick. ‘Your deadly Dastardly Machine is a Turkey baster?’

Desdemona turned on Bartrix in the blink of an eye, glaring at him with the full force of her mauve eyes. Raising one hand she summoned from the air an ornately carved coffin, its ebony black wood bearing the scars of an over enthusiastic carver.

With a flick of her wrist Desdemona flung the lid back on its hinges and Bartixs’ breath caught in his throat. There, within that floating tomb, was the body of Demi. Immaculately preserved and clothed in finest cloth of gold Demi stared out at him with the look of woe that only the un-disagreeably dead can wear.

Using a quick word Desdemona had all the ingredients prepared in the blink of an eye and inserted them into the basting wand.

‘All I need now is the ‘essence’ of the man who killed my son and, as luck would have it, that would be you Bartrix.’ Approaching Bartrix swiftly she shed her clothes and revealed the full extent of her splendour.

Long, lean, pale and magnificent in her vengeance Desdemona Doomini was a hell of a woman. Men quivered at the site of her and cities had been torn down in the rush to win her favour, the majesty that was Desdemona had its full effect on Bartrix. Or not.

Looking down Desdemonas’ eyes grew uncertain. She had never had quite this reaction, or lack thereof, on a young man or any man for that matter. She faltered uncertainly and hesitated for the extra moment that Bartrix needed.

Swing the poker up he struck Desdemona a fair blow to the side of the head and down she fell like a house of cards. Then using the poker to loosed his blade Bartrix used incredible flexibility of the legs to cut his bonds.

Standing above the fallen naked body Bartrix couldn’t help but wonder why he hadn’t reacted to her glory. He reached down with his hand just to make certain that all was still in place and he hadn’t somehow caused some damage that had here to gone unnoticed.

Yep, Frank and beans accounted for then, he thought to himself.

Walking over to old dead Demi in his coffin, Barry shook his head at the state that had befallen his old friend. He carefully shut the lid and pushed the floating casket into the corner of the room, pausing uncertainly Barry thought back to Basic Hero training.

What to do now, old chap? He mused. Surely I should hide the bodies or something.

Struck by inspiration Bartrix grabbed up Desdemona and quickly opening the lid shoved her and her clothes into the coffin with her son. He was just contemplating the removal of the body bearing box from the immediate vicinity when there was a knock on the door.

Hurriedly searching, Barry found an old patchwork rug and threw it over the casket, hoping for the best.

The knock sounded again just as Barry opened the door.

There standing before him was the poorest specimen he had ever seen. Gangly skinny chicken legs protruded from an ill fitting suit and paired up with the bony all-elbows arms, did little to relieve the disaster that was the pasty freckle-faced, red straw haired, head.

A big goofy bucktooth smile spread across the face at the sight of Barrys’ well-dressed form gracing the mantle of the doorway. This did little to help the incongruous nature of the being and Bartrix had to stop himself from visibly flinching.

‘Ah, Good day to, ah, you sir... My name is Won Reasley and I am here today to offer you the chance to pay almost nothing for a Delectrolux 3000. What is a Delectrolux I hear you ask? Well, Sir, it is only the best automated sweeping system this side o’ the Midden! And today, you too Sir can...’ The face was redder then before with the exertion of such a speech and Bartrix interrupted before the poor lad did himself some damage.

‘Won Reasley? Don’t I know that name from somewhere?’ He looked quizzically at the youth, who turned a scarier shade of vermilion and ducked his head, his smile melting faster than ice in hell.

‘Mmph, mph mmmph..’ Won muttered sulkily.

‘Speak up lad I can’t hear a single thing you are saying!’

‘I used to be the sidekick for Hairy Trotter, you might not know who that is though..’

Won looked at Bartrix hopefully. Not missing a beat, or perhaps missing several actually, our Bartrix brightened up.

‘Oh young Hairy, of course I know him! Great lad he is, quite young to be in the Heroes League but we W.A.N.K.E.R.s certainly made room for him! He’s shacked up now isn’t he with a Harmonica or Hermaphro-whatsit isn’t?’

Enthusiasm poured out of Bartrix like water from a sieve and Wons’ face grew still. His eyes grew dark and suddenly he started yelling at the top of his voice.

‘Oh HELP, HELP, this man is trying to make me do bad things! Please stop Mister, no I won’t come and paly in your fun place with your special toys! Oh HELP!’

Out of nowhere, four members of the Emperors’ Guard appeared and had Barry on the ground and hog tied before you could say, well, hog tied.




Several hours later Bartrix woke to find himself in a dark and dank cell. The only light that came into the room was a stray shaft of sunshine that had managed to find a crack in the very unstable and collapsible looking roof.

Gingerly moving his arms and legs, testing for broken bones, Bartrix sat upright. His head ached and the strong smell of urine permeated his being to the core but otherwise nothing was broken. As his eyes adjusted to the darkness Bartrix could make out a figure in the corner, it moved toward him slowly and as he watched it advance its outline became clearer.



* Which is actually quite a few when you consider how many Gods he has met or served. It’s hard to be an Atheist in a mythical realm, you never know when you might need to call on a deity or two.

** Well he is descended from a God and his Great Aunt is one of the current Goddesses of Fortune...

[Chinaren]

Quote: the left testicle of a one armed man. :shock:

Quote: Frank and beans accounted for then :laf:

Great chapter there Nene! I nearly choked on my plum pudding when I read the above line!

But...the DP? Is it, 'who is his cellmate?'

[Crunchyfrog]

Brilliant! I also got caught off my guard with the same line. ROTFLMAO!

Who is the cellmate? I don't know... will have to come back when I've thunk about it... :D

[Masterweaver]

Barry trotter is a real parody.

I vote he utilize his hithero unmentioned utility belt to hop out the also hithero unmentioned barless window.

[NeverNeverGirl]

*quickly pops on to apologise for the terrible grammar and lack of punctuations that a certain sprightly wind will point out for sure.... :-o

will def be fixing this up for you as soon as i get back - along with a few other things.. just wanted to get the latest Barry moment out there :whist:


Loves to all my nimble minded friends

NeNe :wub:

[Mephistopheles]

Great chappy nene. Harry trotter and hermaphroditey? that is great (wish i could find a hermaphrodite!). Hmm, his cell mate eh? could it possibly be, Toado, another hero who foundhimself rounded up because he had done too much? maybe something better will come to me later. keep up the great writing!

[Mastermind]

A very good story, this is.

The stranger? It's a guard, who gives Barry a choice - performing an extremely dangerous, and evil, task, or death.
The guard is merely a messenger for some noble or other, who wishes to overthrow the current king and take his place.
To ensure that Barry keeps his word after he has been released, the guard places a magical trap on him, which will detonate and obliterate everything in the nearest vicinity at the aforementioned noble's command.

[NeverNeverGirl]

Wow guys great ideas!!! i am loving the Troado line of thinking .. i could do a lot with that...

so chuck me some more ideas ppl... who is in the cell?

[Chinaren]

It has to be another enemy of hers, so here's a chance to introduce a sidekick to your hero.

Barry the Strange maybe, or Edward the Unlikely. Meh, you can do better.

[NeverNeverGirl]

yes ren - fortunatly i think i can.... any more suggestions b4 i poll?

[Cyberworm]

My suggestion here is that whoever you choose as a cell mate offers his services but only if he does a more complicated quest than poor miss Doomini gave him.

You should make things so complicated that our hero starts mixing up the quests! :lol: Then ultimately solves all quests at once by mistake! :D The comedy of situation, I think you would call it. Or something like tat... anyway, you know what I mean.

[NeverNeverGirl]

1 more day then i close the poll - i am much to impatient to wait so long....

[NeverNeverGirl]

okay lads and lasses, its AUTHORS CHOICE TIME!!!!


be prepared

[Serge Wolf]

Wow, this chapter had me laughing the most. The Hairy Potter scene was worth every bit. Pure genius with the creativity.

Though what was with the suddenly betrayal?