City of IF

[Lilith]

WARNING! THIS CHAPTER HAS STRONG LANGUAGE! NOT FOR THE ONES WITH PARENTS OVER THEIR SHOULDERS OR WHO HAVE NEVER, EVER HEARD A CURSE WORD IN THEIR LIFE!

A SIDE NOTE! THIS STORY IS BUILT ON THE SILLY RUMOURS AND THINGS THAT GO ON IN IF AND IN THE INN! IF, FOR ANY REASON, THE JOKE THAT IS MADE IN A CHAPTER ABOUT YOUR IFIAN PERSONA YOU CAN'T TAKE... THEN GET OVER IT AND DON'T READ THE STORY. THIS STARTED OFF AS FUN AND WILL REMAIN SO AS LONG AS I HAVE PEOPLE WHO ARE GOOD SPORTS WITH THEIR SENSES OF HUMOR!

Chapter 7: Fitting pieces together... or NOT.


Lily looked at her phone again and watched precious minutes pass as she paced in a tight circle in Jester Park. I can’t use the ASS Hole, it’s being cleaned from Masterweaver’s last stay. And I can’t head into OF, that’s just plain reckless. Hmm, it’ll have to be Fantasy Forest. My territory... and I can recruit some back up. As she made her decision, Lily saw a figure popping out of the Games section in Open Forum.

“Ah! Syranore!” Lily exclaimed and darted after the partially grown red dragon.

“AHHH! Oh it’s just you, Lily.” Syranore had ducked down and thrown his arms up over his draconic head when he heard Lily call to him.

“Syra, do you have some free time to help me with something? Pretty please?” Lily put on a pouty lip and turned pleading eyes to him.

“No, no, Lily.. Don’t!” Syra put a talon over his eyes. “I can’t! I have to get going!”

“Well then, how the hell am I supposed to get some effective back-up to help keep IF from going to the dogs when I can’t even catch somebody who’s got time ?” Lily ranted at him.

Syra sighed, exasperated, and put a claw over her mouth. “Okay shut up for a minute. There’s three newbs in the Inn that look like they can handle themselves, alright?”

Lily stopped talking and nodded, after which Syranore took off. Then she turned resolutely on her heel and strode towards the Inn. She pushed open the door and ducked a man in a suit of armor flying across the room. “What in the world is going on in here?” Lily asked, bewildered as she looked around the room. The tossed armor was actually a man, which she realized when he tugged off his helmet and made a chivalrous kneel towards Lily. He put Lily in mind of a medieval Adonis, until she figured out he was drunk off his arse.

“Hello, lady *hic*. I am Gallant.” His beer-coated breath assaulted Lily’s nose and made her wrinkle it as she looked over and saw a rollerblading figure in the corner, practicing slicing motions in the air with a wooden sword. He smiled in a sort of lopsided way, a mop of curls on his head unkempt

“Ah hello I am SirWaxalot ” The rollerblading figure put a fist to his chest and flung it out in front of him clumsily.

Lily seemed unimpressed by both of them and looked to the third figure, laying lazily on a couch cushion by the fireplace; this one had a slightly demonic aura and was dragging his fingertips lazily across a blade etched with runes, looking rather unhappy.

“I’m Tavanesh.” He said rather bored, giving Lily a mournful look.

Syra, I am going to kill you! This is a bunch of untried miscreants! Not a group of battle-ready newbs! Lily was about ready to swear out loud when she decided that this was the best she was gonna get.

“Alright. You boys up for a bit of fun out in the city?” Lily put a playful smile on her lips and winked at them.

The newbs looked at her curiously. The one in rollerblades skated right up to her and took her chin in his hands.

“What might that be, doll?” He drawled, looking at her steadily.

Lily jerked her chin away quickly and spoke. “Heading to Fantasy Forest, boys. Care to tag along? I may need some back-up for a task I’m about to take care of.”

Gallant stumbled behind the bar and stuck his head in a bucket of ice water to sober himself up. “Yeah Ah’m in ” He turned once on his heel and stumbled forward towards Lily, attempting to cop a feel of her ass as he leaned against the door way.

“Well, demon. Coming?” Lily tossed towards Tavanesh as she deftly side-stepped the groping Gallant. Lily smirked when Tav looked up, surprised. “I can practically smell the demon aura on you, don’t look so shocked.”

Tavanesh stood up and viewed Lily with intense dislike. “I’m half-demon if you don’t mind.”

“Whatever. You coming or not?” Lily snapped.

“Fine, there’s nothing else to do anyway.” Tav said lazily as he sheathed his blade and began walking behind her with the other three.

Lily smiled nastily and whipped out her phone again, dialing the number swiftly. “Neurosis, Fantasy Forest, half an hour. Be there.. Or else.” Lily snapped.

“Or else what, missy?” The voice responded with vehemence.

“You’ll be losing your source of revenue from IF, that’s what else. I’ll expose the “operation” to the general public.” Lily hissed into the receiver, keeping her voice low as the men who followed her were looking away but she wasn’t taking any chances. She snapped the phone shut and led the three newbs into Fantasy Forest.

****************************************************

Cy, The Dark, and Plates shook the shock from their faces eventually and made for the Open Forum again, only to find it deserted.

“What’s going on? Where is everyone?” Cyberworm asked aloud as the three of them split up and searched the Open Forum thoroughly.

“The Dark sees no one here, but ourselves. There were many here earlier.” The Dark was very skittish about being out in the open, all the light and fresh air making him rather flighty.

“Don’t see anyone, dude. Where ya think they all went?” Plates tried standing on his head few times out of sheer boredom but he failed miserably.

Cy opened his mouth to say something but he was interrupted when something tackled him. He was thrown on the ground with a resounded thud as the tackler rolled away, pulling herself up to her full hieght.

“The Dark does not know this blonde child..”

Cy coughed and laughed a bit as he stood up. “Hello NoNi.. “

Novelest_Ninjagirl beamed up at Cyberworm proudly, smiling for all she was worth in her little ninja suit. “I have brought others with me!” NoNi chirped brightly as she motioned for a figure to step forward from the only corner of shadow in the Open Forum.

Jaws audibly dropped when the cloaked Dinranwen stepped out, holding the gibbering JezSharp and Idea Master by the shoulders.

“They’ll be fine in a hour or so. Good thing little miss NoNi here happened upon me in the shadows of the Information district. Everything’s been moved around so much there, I got lost.” Din gave a little bit of a girly giggle, one that chilled the others to the bone. “Well, I must be off, dears. Look after those two and get them to Crunchyfrog right away now, you hear?” She smiled and melted back into her world of shadow.

Plates made to run after Din and ran smack dab into the wall hidden within the darkness. “Oww... how the hell does she do that?”

The Dark shook his head, stroked his stark white chin, eyeing the two clueless long-time IFians that had just been deposited unceremoniously in the Open Forum. "The Dark questions of what use will these two be in our quest."

Cy clapped a hand on NoNi’s shoulder and smiled at her proudly. "Well, it looks like NoNi's done our job and found these two for us. Let's get them back to Crunchy before they lose themselves again."


The troupe traipsed to the Mayoral Mansion, where they found Crunchy, her smelly feet, and her satisfied grin as she knocked back another shot of strong liquor. “Heehee... woooweee!” Crunchyfrog turned herself about in circles in her chair, her greenish and horrible smelling feet knocking everything on her cluttered desk onto the floor.

“Oh, shit..” Plates muttered, backing away, holding his shirt over his nose.

The Dark made no response as he immediately left the way he came and did not return.

Cy and NoNi looked at each other, and Cy, who had been steering Jez and IM the whole way with a hand on each shoulder, pushed them outside slowly as Crunchyfrog had not noticed anyone in her maniacal laughter.

“What’s wrong with Crunchyfrog, Cyberworm?” NoNi asked as they stepped outside and Cy blocked the outside of the door by sliding a thick, metal candlestick he swiped from the inside into the handles.

“Don’t be scared NoNi, but I think she’s been infected as well... which means, we’re on our own.” Cy said in a hushed voice.

“Uh, dudes, who is that?” Plates was pointing out a figure approaching them.

“Uhm...”

Alright folks! DP is obvious! Next IFian to pop in please? And perhaps a WHY they are there? Remember, you cannot pick from those that are already infected.

[The Meaning Of Fear]

First post! WOOT!

I'm not too sure about that DP... You've pretty much exhausted the supply of IFians in that story, unless you let us choose someone who has already appeared...

[Lilith]

Look carefully, Meanie. I said that you can't pick from somebody already INFECTED. I am sure there are others, even if they have already appeared, that can pop in here.

[Guest]

wonderful story lilily. Want to see more, choose Dragonite, or me, or someone new.

[Gallant]

Cheers for letting me in on your story. Let me say you have me down to a T!

I say choose Christalnightshade. But Dragonite or Wolfen will be good for the comic relief. Even the fact that they claim to be different people could make for some interesting situations. My votes for CNS though. :D

[Chinaren]

Well, Dean (half shadow) has suddenly re-appeared in IF. It could be him. (Look in Real Bananas for more info on him.)

[sir wax]

Well Lily, you've certainly captured the essence of Tav and most definitely Gallant... me however, leaves much to be desired, it's okay though, it is hard to capture the essence of one so graceful, great and almighty o-) . Loved me with the wooden sword and the unkempt hair though, that does sound like me. :smile:

here are some things you can fix in this chapter, all are in the second section:

10 & 11 paragraph in the second section
“Well, I must be off, dears. Look after those two and get them to Crunchyfrog right away now, you hear?” She smiled and melted back into her world of shadow.

Plates made to run after Din and ran smack dab into the wall hidden within the shadows. “Oww... how the hell does she do that?” [/quote]

this one should be changed to 'darkness', 'blackness', 'twilight', 'gloom', 'murkiness' etc. You already used shadows in the 10th paragraph, it's important to switch it up.

12th
lil wrote: “The Dark wonders what will these to do to be useful in our quest.”

maybe better like this
Sir wrote: "The Dark questions of what use will these two be in our quest."


13th
lilith wrote: “Well, it looks like NoNi’s done our job for us. She found them for us. Let’s get back to Crunchy with them before we lose them again.”

You could combine the first and second sentence in this paragraph.
maybe would work better like this:

Sir wrote: "Well, it looks like NoNi's done our job and found these two for us. Let's get them back to Crunchy before they lose themselves again."

you need to spend just a bit more time with your word usage and find creative ways to switch out redundant sounding phrases and the like.

all in all, this chapter was like an interlude, which is fine. nothing really happened which i am hoping you are planning on the next chapter for that one. like i said in my first comment in this story; make events that enhance the story and also are big challenges to the character(s) who have to face them. You've set us three newbs up perfectly, now put us in a situation that we should fail... but maybe somehow by our sheer dumb luck (and a lot of bickering between us), we come out on top.

You should also run a tally at the beginning of next chapter like so:

Crunchy Frog (frog) - Infected in her mansion.

Kalanna Rai (dragon) - Infected in holding area.

The Dark (black cloud with a head) - in search group with Cy, Plates and NoNi, but left them recently.

Gallant (knight) - in the 'newb crew' heading toward Fantasy Forest.

or devise some system so we can remember where everybody is and what everybody is doing and so we don't have to struggle to remember. once you got this down, i think you should possibly start all chapters like this so we can remember instantly, this would also help you out in writing it too. i could do this for a... small(large) fee :smile:. But my suggestion is that you do it yourself, so that you can reread what you wrote in prior chapters to rekindle what made people vote this SGoTM. You've got the humor down pat, but now we need the story and plot that you brought into it in the beginning.

Also modify the topic heading to: Vengeance Ch. 7 - Fitting the pieces together... or NOT. so as to keep with the organized structure of your forum. Also chapter 3's topic also needs a space between the "Ch." and "3". Sorry, i'm a stickler for organization *glares at Ne and Barry the Normal forum*.
--------------------------------------------------- End of Crit --------------------------------------------

Hope all of that was helpful. Now, for the DP, i agree with Meanie. If memory serves me right C'ren is near so i'd have 'HE' come out, breathing behind them like a slithery Darth Vader.

I would also agree with Gallant to bring Dragonite/Wolfen into the mix as a schitzophrenic ally/enemy depending on which one of his personalities is apparent. Dragonite seems to be friendlier and Wolfen is a dick, always trying to kill people and stuff. That would be funny for a later chapter.

I would say go for the C'ren in the HE.

Sincerely,
SirWaxaLot

[DeadManWalking]

I believe that you should make it someone who's been MIA for a while.

Possibly Dean.

Or possibly someone that not many of the newer people know. (which would actually possible include Dean anyways)

Like a crazy clown zombie thing *cough* ME *cough*

Because we should always have crazy clown zombie things in any type of story.

How's that for comic relief? :D

[Novelest_Ninjagirl]

AWESOME! I just cuaght up to this, read 7 chppies all in an 1 and half hours. Lil, you rock! Now, I gotta say, I only saw one thing

Quote: Good think little miss NoNi here . . .
Thing. Good THING little miss NoNi here. . . :lol: Sorry, pet peve. Even though I do it too.

Anyway, I lik ethe story. I like the supsense while still being funny. As for the DP: I say someone that isn't really. . .sane. *thinks* make it someone that people wouldn't expect. Now, I don't know enough people on IF: you have no idea how many people you named that I went 'huh?' to, therefore: I'm not the best person to ask for this.

Lastly: I want to make a suggestion on my character, and Tava said it'd cost 50 fables. How do I give these to you? Since- I mean, I just gotta! I have to give a suggestion! :lol: How do I do it? I know- probably shouldn't be asking here. I'll send a pm to you in a minute, k?

[sir wax]

ah yes, good catch Noni, i forgot to put that one in my crit.

Sincerely,
SirWaxaLot

[Lilith]

Okay troublemakers, edits fixed and all!

Let's see what we have SUGGESTION-wise, eh?

Christalnightshade
Dragonite/Wolfen
Head Eater
Dean
DeadManWalking

.... oookay...

Anything else?

[Warsor]

I'd say myself for purely selfish reasons but I'm just a newbie. ^_^

[The White Blacksmith]

Perhaps you could take a random couple of names of people who've only posted a few times, and have them wandering around being annoying? For comic relief at least.

[Sasuke]

Warsor, being a newb never hurt anyone. It in essence probably actually makes you a better choice because it'll increase your publicity, not that I think you'll need it with the funniest monkey I've ever seen sticking out of your pants. So since I said all that I'm putting War forward just because I want to see random pants monkey antics. :lol:

[Warsor]

Why thank you Sasuke...indeed it does seem my pants monkey is known far and wide across IF already. :) If I do get included in this story in the future he's sure to accompany me along with his unusual antics. Nobody messes with the monkey. Nobody.

[DeadManWalking]

wait... I thought Warsor = monkey.

Warsor... is... person?

:shock:

[NeverNeverGirl]

Warsor (as far as i am aware) is a half human-half titan. He has a monkey who lives in his pants (aptly named pants monkey)

Debate is still out on whether he is a actual monkey or a euphenism.

[sir wax]

he also has a 10ft pole which he pokes people with at the Inn. He also has a broken sword and a broken past.

Sincerely,
SirWaxaLot

[Lilith]

Okay! Poll's up peoples! Get your votes in! :)

[Warsor]

Ahem. Its an eleven foot pole. Ten foot poles are so last decade. But your absolutely correct about the broken sword and past.

[DeadManWalking]

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

just out of curiosity, who was the other person who voted for me?

if you wish, you may pm me.

[Lilith]

Mmmkay folks! Here's the results of the poll!

Quote:
Who the hell?

Crady 6% [ 1 ]

Dragonite/Wolfen 6% [ 1 ]

Head Eater 26% [ 4 ]

DeadManWalking 33% [ 5 ]

Warsor 26% [ 4 ]

Total Votes : 15

Who Voted: Chinaren, Christalnightshade, Crossfire, Cyberworm, DeadManWalking, Gallant, lordofthenight, Novelest_Ninjagirl, Sasuke, sir wax, Syranore, Tavanesh, The Meaning Of Fear, The White Blacksmith, Warsor

Looks like you should be getting ready for your introduction to the story DeadManWalking! ;) See you in Chapter 8!

[DeadManWalking]

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'd like to thank the Academy...

Nah Just joking.