City of IF

[ashkent]

I do not need to say that finding myself in a conversation with a mortal prior to death was, and still is, a unique occasion. Unique to all things Wee anyway.

“Are you one of them?” I asked.

“One of what?” Gibbs said. “Are you asking if i'm gay? Anyway, don't you know these things? I would have thought you would know everything about everything. It is your business to know. Please do take a seat. I feel I will get a stiff neck otherwise. You are quite tall really, or is that just because I’m sitting down? Strange thing, perspective. Do I look short to you from up there? Oh and by the way what is that?”

“He could become a gobstopper if you don’t stop speaking so much.”

Pinkie made a sound from the edge of the table, where he had almost succeeded in pulling himself back onto the top.

“Sorry about that. I easily get nervous in company. I tend to talk a bit more than I should and I never really know when I’m doing it.”

“You’re doing it now,” I advised.

“Was I? See, just like I said. I never know when the words are coming out of my mouth. It’s a lack of sensation that does it. No nerve endings, you see, so I literally don’t know when my voice box is vibrating and sound is coming out.”

“It is coming out now. Rather a lot of it.”

“There you go then,” Gibbs continued. “I wouldn’t have known if you hadn’t told me. I sometimes think it’s embarrassing, but then I just forget about it. Usually something else comes along and replaces it and before I know it my tongue is running off on its own without me even knowing I intended to say anything.”

“Like now.”

“Well, if you say so. I can only guess that you’re not lying. What would be the point in that? Why would you want to lie to me? I mean if it was irritating then I’m sure you would stop me, although once I’ve started it is hard to stop when I don’t even know I’m doing it.”

“You are becoming irritating now,” I said, watching Pinkie flopping across the table top.

“I’m not surprised really. Here I am going on and on about things I don’t even know I’m saying, and I’m sure you have something to say but can’t get a word in edgeways because my mouth is mmgphh!”

“Arrrrr!”

“Sorry,” I said to Pinkie as he dangled from Gibbs’ mouth by his foot. “It had to be done. Now, please don’t try to speak, Mr Gibbs. I don’t want to have to reattach his foot. Just nod if you understand.”

Gibbs’ head bounced up and down.

“Arrr!”

“He said slowly.”

Gibbs complied.

I took a moment to look around the room again. Something definitely didn’t add up. Everything appeared so bare and stripped. The bench had a quite thick layer of dead skin that any human would call dust. Cobwebs spread over many of the nooks and crannies. A piece of green cheese lay on the floor just behind one of the table legs. I didn’t believe it to be made that colour. This wasn’t a property that anyone lived in.

And suddenly it all made sense. Sort of.

“How long have you been dead?” I asked.

Gibbs looked down at the overturned demon dangling from his mouth by its foot.

“Arr?” Pinkie asked, folding his arms.

“Yes, you can let him speak now.”

Pinkie climbed up his own leg, a talent of some description I’m sure, licked the palm of his hand and smacked it wetly against Gibbs’ cheek. A moment later his foot fell from Gibbs’s mouth, and he hung like an ugly window decoration for just a second before dropping onto the table.

“Well?” I asked the peculiarity that was Gordon Gibbs. “How long?”

“Two days,” he replied, with movement of mouth that should not have been physically possible in his deceased state.

“Hmm,” I said. “But that shouldn’t be possible. That isn’t possible.”

“I think I should know if I’m dead or not,” Gibbs said. “I mean my heart has stopped beating and my tongue is as dry as the Sahara. What else am I supposed to be? Dehydrated?”

“You are missing the point. I should know if you’re dead or not.”

“And am I dead?”

“I’m beginning to wish you weren’t,” I said, scratching my chin. “At least then I could kill you.”

Gibbs expression didn’t change. “That’s not very nice, is it? Who taught you manners? You know I often wondered if all those stories they tell about you are true, but they never mentioned that you were rude. I never expected you to be rude. And you are quite rude. I don’t think that many people believe you are rude. Why would you need to be so rude when you don’t meet people for long? I would think that you – “

“I think I have been with you far too long,” I cut in, “and if you don’t stop talking like that I will make sure your afterlife is worse than any rudeness you can imagine. Now please keep quiet for a moment.”

Gibbs opened his mouth then, miraculously, closed it without the slightest sound. Being virtually without emotion, I only feel a simple replica that I have created from observation, and at that moment the cloned emotion in my mind was smug.

In the Book of Creation, there are a number of rules and commandments. I have already mentioned my prolonged dislike of rules, but nevertheless I am bound to them as I am to my bones. In Section 3.2a, the line states that collection of a soul or souls can only occur once the soul has been detached from the body that previously contained it.

Let me just clear something up here. That rule does not mean that I cannot swing my scythe and sever life from any being I wish. There is a difference between the occurrence of death and collection of the departed soul. What the rule meant was that as long as Gordon Gibbs’s soul remained trapped inside his body, something I did not yet have an explanation for, I had no power to send it into one afterlife or another.

Despite a peculiar lack of authority, the bizarre situation did have one definite advantage; Gibbs’s memories were fully intact and not about to fade.

“Mr Gibbs, I have one thing to say,” I said, pulling up a chair opposite the corpse-locked soul. “I want the Wee.”

“Are you taking the piss?”

“Do I look like I am in the mood to take the piss? I want the Wee.”

“I’m sure you’re old enough to go yourself,” Gibbs said. “I don’t see why you would need to though considering you’re…well…just bones. Actually that’s a good point. You don’t have a bladder. That…erm…thing managed to hold it the whole time he sat watching me so I wouldn’t have expected you to have any problems holding–“

“You are doing it again.”

“What? Oh, sorry. I didn’t realise. I told you I don’t-“

It must have been something in my expression that told Gibbs he was once again losing control of his tongue. Perhaps it was the hellfire I could feel flaring behind my sockets, or a more subtle hint, such as the chunk of wood my scythe had just torn from the cupboard door.

Gibbs waited for me to speak.

“I will make this is simple as my extensive knowledge and eons of existence will allow. I want you reply to my questions in words of one syllable. No more than one. To be precise and certain of your understanding, that means I want you to say only yes or no. Do you understand?”

“Yes,” Gibbs said with an almighty effort of control.

“Good. Now, have you heard of a group called the Wee?”

“No.”

“No?”

“No!” Gibbs emphasised, his compliance to my request already on the edge of breaking.

That wasn’t the answer I had been expecting. Actually, I had been expecting another torrent of words that somehow made sense without their creator being aware of speaking them. Most of all, I had been expecting him to say yes. Why would Jimmy send me to a man who knew fuck all that could help me? At least when the gravedigger had directed me to Mr Bones it had led to a small sharing of information.

I felt a tug on the sleeve of my robe.

I turned to where Pinkie stood, his shiny little face so close to my own that I could see a small clump of yellow mucus in the corner of his left eye.

“What?” I asked after a moment.

Pinkie’s response shocked me more than anything he could have said; he beckoned me closer with a conspiratorial look in his eye and waggling finger.

“When did you learn to be tactical?” I asked.

Pinkie shrugged his little brown shoulders then again urged me to move closer. I lowered my head out of pure curiosity, as I held no illusion that Pinkie was about to say anything more than perhaps he did need to empty his bladder after all. Maybe he had even done so already in the sink without being observed.

“Arrr ar arrr arrrr ar ar arrrrr arr,” Pinkie whispered.

I pulled back slowly, looking at the demon like he had sprouted a human head.

“I completely forgot about that,” I said to both Pinkie and myself. “Mr Gibbs, do you remember if any of this involved an alluring woman?”

“Yes!” Gibbs said emphatically.

“Pinkie,” I said. “Never repeat this to anything with ears. I could kiss you right now.”

“Arr arr,” Pinkie said, blushing beige. “Arrrr aar arr?”

“Don’t spoil the moment,” I said before turning back to my latest source of information. “Now, Mr Gibbs, I am about to say something that I will probably regret, but I want you to tell me everything about that woman.”

[scissorkitty]

Hilarious! I like it... hmm. quite the conundrum, the soul still inhabiting the body. Very interesting! That's a great solution too!

[Crunchyfrog]

I'm guessing the DP is a description of the woman?

Gibb says actually she's a man.

[ashkent]

Well, the woman was descibed by Mr Bones back in chapter 3 or was it 4? But if i remember rightly, Mr Bones only got as far as her ample cleavage...which leaves some scope for a great big bearded face. :)

[Crunchyfrog]

Is this one still going? :)

[scissorkitty]

I MISS THIS STORY!!!!




:(

[Crunchyfrog]

I think Ashkent would need another DP suggestion to go to the poll...

[scissorkitty]

The woman was disguised as a very curvaceous, very alluring man.. badly disguised, obviously. She used the name, "Mr. Uh... Reee" and her fake mustache fell off halfway through the coversation, landing in her tea and causing a ruckus.

[ashkent]

Apologies for the wait. Much sidetracking has been going on recently and my time has not really been my own.

Now, does everyone want me to go to a poll or just continue with a combination of the suggestions?

[Crunchyfrog]

I'll be happy either way. Looking at the suggestions... they do meld together rather well. :D

[ashkent]

A cobbled together mishmash it is. I'll just get the cauldron.

[scissorkitty]

YAY!!! I've missed you, AshKent!!! This is one of my fave SGs!

[ashkent]

Ok, I've got most of the new chapter done. Just had to go back and reread quite a bit of what went before it as it has been a while. Should be arriving soon. :)

[ashkent]

the New chapter is up now.