City of IF

Alegria

Okay, so this is a cool little writing excercise I read about in a playwright's column, but it'll work for prose too.

In one hour, your job is to write the worst short story you possibly can. Make it absolutely terrible in every way you know how. Think of all those English rules and do the opposite. Make it boring, make it overly sentimental, make it something bad.

At the end of the contest we will vote on the worst story.

Now what can you possibly learn from this? After you write your bad story, pick a few chapters from your SGs and compare them and see if there's anything bad in your chapters. Sometimes we don't use those helpful little rules when we write. This will help you see the rules you forget about the most. And who knows, maybe you'll accidentally put something GOOD in your bad SG...

Oh, and one more thing...

Your bad Short story must include the 3 following elements:

A peanut butter and jelly sandwich

A gopher

A musician named Horace or Helen

Good luck!!!

D-Lotus · Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4122 Location: Hollywood, USA

Potty humor POTTY HUMOR!

Racist comment, similar to the ones that every uninteresting comedian on Comedy Central makes, that I somehow expect will be funny! Cheap zombie-movie plot! AHHH, two musicians named Horace and Helen are chasing after me with an trombone and an axe, what shall I ever do!!?? I know, I'll hide somewhere and wait for them to kill me with a surprising, jerky movement that will last a split second and freak out the audience. Gah, I hope nobody saw me eating that gopher. I better get rid of these peanut butter sandwiches before they destroy my garden!

And before anybody could say anything else, I could no longer restrain myself and my sphincter finally succumbed, spraying the room with chunks of diarreah.

THE END

To be continued...

Chinaren · Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8566 Location: Tome

Mmm. I think there's enough bad writing out there already, without adding to it. :sad:

DeadManWalking · Posted: Sat Jan 24, 2009 11:16 pm Post subject:

I'll give this a shot.

Could i just clarify that I NEVER would write like this if it wasn't a horrible writing contest?

So one day i was walking down the Street, you know the one with all the things in the middle with the whatsits and stuff. And then i was like "WHOA" cause i saw this thing with the sign with that Musician named Helen and the wierd moose sign and then Daniel (did I mention Daniel? He's always hanging out with me, and we were hanging out today, cause he felt like it and he's an asshole but my friend anyways) gets shot!. I mean, like totally out of nowhere some random guy pops out of the ground and shoots him write through the chest, and i'm like "GAH holy shit" and i pull out my ak-47 (I also forgot to mention i had an AK-47) and i shoot him in the head, like they always do in those movies with the bald guy and he was like GAH and he felll over and screamed then i shot him again and he died. And then all these gophers with rocket launchers came out and started shooting at the helicopters and i was like "Hey that looks fun" So i started shooting at the helicopters two, and there was this awesome part wear i shot a helicopter in the fule tank and it went KABLOOIE and it broke into the million pieces and took down like ten other helicopters with it. And all the pieces were flying everywhere, and they killed lots of people accept for me cuz I'm just that awesome. But then, one of the soldiers (i mentioned the soldiers write?) was like HEY! Why are you shooting the helicopters the president is in the helicopters. The Russian gophers are trying to kill him. and I was like oh. So i started shooting the gophers and they were all like AH betrayal but i was like HA in your face and then the ALIENS came and i was like GAH OMG and i started shooting the spaceships but it didn't work cuz my gun ran out of bullets. So i pulled out my space laser and started shooting them, but it was to late cuz they killed the president. So the soldiers were like Oh my god the killed the president. So i went over and was like "I'll be the new president!" And they were like Ok and so i became president and had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Oh, and then i nuked south korea, cuz i heard those guys had nukes or something and they have some wierd leader dude whose bad.

And there's my horrible short story.

D-Lotus · Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4122 Location: Hollywood, USA

:clap:

That was a masterpiece of horrid prose.

vgmaster · Joined: 18 Oct 2008 Posts: 68 Location: The City of Angels

ok so my name is wess and I am a assasin. 1 day i was doin a job for this guy who was an obo player. he wanted me to kill this other obo player hoos name was helen. at 1st i was like no! im not gonna kill a girl. but then the guy was like but ill give you this pb&j sandwhich. i really really really like pb&js in fact in school i was called mr pb&j because i really really liked pb&js. so i was like ok! if you give me that sandwhich. so i went to were this obo player was supposed to be an wen i got there i cut her throat with a knife then i got my pet gopher to eat her so there wpuld be no evidence. then i got my pb&j sandwhich

Phantomfan · Posted: Sun Jan 25, 2009 11:09 am Post subject:

:lol:
All of these are great!

But, honestly- you could just look at some youtube comments for a sure winner of this contest.

k, so im gonna give a try for this contest thing lol kai. (Please please please don't take any of this seriously)

anyways so im like a musician player or somethin haha and i wrote my newest piece of musik called ummm what was it oh yeah "gopher" and it took me a hour to write and then i showed it to my producer and he was all like wtf helen this is really bad and i was all like dude it took me a whole hour and he was like it shouldnt have taken you more then 20 min and i was like rofl cauz i thought he was joking around and he was like wtf are you doing cause like, i was serious! And so i was like well fysob lol and then i walked out all pissed like and i got into my car and drove away haha then i went to a selling shop thing and traded my car in for a peenut buter and jely sandwitch and i ate it and then i blew up haha.
anywas yeah and like if i don't win the contest like whatever cauz its just a lamebut contest that has nothin to do with the rest of my life so you can be like ha you lost and ill be all like screw you it just a contest and i alreay know im a winner you guys all SUCK

...dear God, I honestly hope that I never have to write anything like that again.

DeadManWalking · Posted: Sun Jan 25, 2009 1:19 pm Post subject:

Midnight · Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2009 12:34 am Post subject:

Okay, This sounded interesting so I thought I'd give it a go.

Right, my names helen i'm a musicain, yes a musicain, i right certain things play certian things do certain things, but thats not the point. The point is i have this bf right, his nams horace, its some random name his parents gave him cause they were like craaaaazy and stuff. Anyway he loves peanut and jelly butter sandwich- Or was it peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, anyway either one. he eats them everyday every second of the the day. i watch him eat it sometimes, doesn't prove much entertainment but a girl has to get inspiration some ways right?. come to think of it hes eating em right now. Such a pig... just looking at him makes me want to throw up. wait. What was the point of this again?

..............................

okay well i forgot. Well sorry if I wasted ur time, its just that i have a short memory and i forget things like the point to my bf and his peanut butter and jelly addiction. i'm gonna head out and start whacking the gophers in our back yard now, we seriously have too much of em. hmm, should use poison.

zahark · Posted: Fri Jan 30, 2009 6:45 am Post subject:

i has an entry

I is a penut-butter and jelly sandwhich. My name is Horace but l like to bee called Helen because it makes me feel pretty especaliy when I play my favoritest noisey maker the kazoozoo. I live and play in a world of paper bags that were brown with no not any polkadots. I relly really dislike polkadots ..the makes me dizzy. But it is fun to go weeeeeeeeeeeeee and then pretend to be dizzy! I wish I could have me a pair of feet so I could go weeeee. But its so sad that I don’t and the worstest part is I cant cry bout it cause it would make me all soggy and icky and glopy and mushy and and and and worst of all wet because water is wet. So I sit hare and play u my kazoozoo with only the non existent gophers of my paper bags to watched. I want some thing once but I can longer no remember what it was that I want it might have ben fame for playing the kazoozoo but oh well so I sitt and don’t cry day in and day hoping that I don’t mold in the bottem of this box. Whait I see. …………………….wht did I se oh ya I seeee a light . le gasp dose that mean I is no longer imprisonated in this box like objection. “Yayyayayayyaya I believe I can fly I got sot by the fbi….”
~the beautifully ugly story of how the PB&j lived through his imprisonment in a box~
I scare myself with this. :oops:

Bookwizard · Joined: 07 Oct 2007 Posts: 639 Location: Gallifrey

Ok here it goes *takes deep breath*

Hi, i'm john, am telling a story of something cool and exiting, it has to do with my brother, hes a bad brother, he takes my things, and doesent give them back, hes a bad brother, he really is, i wish he would go away sometimes, but he doesnt, i hate my brother, hes a bad brother, he doesnt like carrats either, i like carrots, everoe like carrats, like not my brother, i hate my brother. so thats why my father took dident my phone, I hate my brother. i like my. phone. Why not go to the carvinal I said, why not,why not, , but no one siad anything, because i hate my brother, he doesent like carrats, everone hates carrats anyway, exept my bother who hates carrots and onions. so we went to the carnival and had a lot ofun well we eated on on the car here. I wish the cavinal would have been funner, becacuse my phone is gone. my mother took it, i hate my brother, he doesent liek onions, i hate my brother, i hate my brother, why would i go to the carnilval? I really wanted my phone back so Ifound my brother who found me, but he kept on talking, and i couldent talkt to him becasue he was talking, so every time i said something he was still talking, and he couldent hear me talking because his talking wasloeder than his talking, or my talking, so it dient work, andtalking was not working, e couldent hear me talk. So i was qit, and he stopped, wasent i smart? and so he started talling, but i was quit and he stopped, i am smartt. thats why i write this story, but he stopped talk so i could talk so he couldent talk. he gavme his phone, it was great, this is the end of my longest story ever story.

It almost killed me...but I survived *shivers*

Alegria · Posted: Fri Jan 30, 2009 3:30 pm Post subject:

So voting will be done Tournament style due to the large amount of response.

So get voting!!!

D-Lotus · Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4122 Location: Hollywood, USA

I guess this is one of those tournaments you don't really want to win! :D

Crossfire · Posted: Fri Jan 30, 2009 7:22 pm Post subject:

'My name is Horace or Helen (T-THE MUSICIAN?! R-EEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAALLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!), and I am simultaneously a gopher and a "peanut butter and jelly sandwich".'

"To be or not to be continued- the answer is, find out in the next installment!"

Fin.

------------------------------------------------
("Idiocy is best served by elegant concision"... I couldn't possibly change the grammar or spelling, however, so I rather feel I'm at somewhat of a disadvantage... :S)

zahark · Posted: Sat Jan 31, 2009 5:55 am Post subject:

why arn't some of us on the poll?

Alegria · Posted: Sat Jan 31, 2009 8:00 am Post subject:

Because there are around 10 submissions, so we're doing it tournament style. I just picked random people for each round, actually.

The top two will write one more bad story with 3 more elements and have a top two showdown.

zahark · Posted: Sat Jan 31, 2009 8:03 am Post subject:

oh sorry i thought you ment the person with the least amount of votes would be taken off the poll and so on untill their was a winner. sorry

The White Blacksmith · Joined: 02 Apr 2006 Posts: 2629

I can't vote on this! All the submissions are just too terrible!

DeadManWalking · Posted: Thu Feb 05, 2009 9:51 am Post subject:

Ok, i left my account open and a friend saw the computer and it turns out that he voted for Phan's...

So, not that i didn't think phan's was terrible, but i want to take back my vote.

BlackAmaranth · Joined: 19 Sep 2008 Posts: 28

Round One? So...I can write something next round? :)

Alegria · Posted: Thu Feb 05, 2009 3:42 pm Post subject:

I'm sorry, Black, but the deadline for submissions has already past. Maybe next time.

I'm leaving voting open until Friday, when we will start voting on round 2.

Alegria · Posted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 1:42 pm Post subject:

Polls are closed for Round 1!

And the winner (or loser... Something like that) is Phantomfan!

I don't know whether to congratulate her or not...

Round 2 starts now!!!

Alegria · Posted: Sun Feb 15, 2009 8:40 am Post subject:

And now, the equally dubious award for winning round 2 goes to Zahark.

It's now time to vote on our finalists.

Who will be chosen as the worst storyteller? You choose!

zahark · Posted: Sun Feb 15, 2009 8:47 am Post subject:

yay i suck i made the finals