City of IF

[vgmaster]

This story is inspired by art by Yuumei



You should all check out these cars. These cards are really cool, and worth buying.

[vgmaster]

Augen Auf



Chapter 1 – Der Kartensatz

It is an interesting thing to look on one’s own past. For when you relive events, you usually end up laughing at yourself. You see how foolish you were, how ignorant of what to do you were, and how silly your feelings were. Often though, it is the less funny things you focus on, you see your mistakes, happier paths you could have taken, and things you thought that you lost. Yes, looking backwards in time always promises to be a strange experience in deed, and whether it is a tragic or comedic path you took, you can bet you will laugh, and cry, at yourself.
When I look on my own history, I always start at a specific point in time. It was the point when my life became colorful, when it gained unique qualities. I often wish that I had made different decisions at that point, but alas, the past is set in stone. I remember that it was raining on that day. I used to hate the rain. I was sitting in my car at the edge of a cliff. I think it was that one cliff where all the other high school kids went to make out with each other. No one ever made out with me. I don’t remember why I went up there; perhaps it was because I was bored. I would say it is likely that I was bored. I was always bored back then. There was never any excitement in my life back then. Even on that cliff, the view was slightly interesting at best. I thought about my dream world, it was an ever-changing place full of awe-striking and amazing people. Then I thought about how I could never find that place on earth, or anywhere in this life. My foot pushed a little on the pedal. I went slowly at first, hesitating. That was probably when I stopped thinking, because I floored it.

I accelerated towards the edge of the cliff; I vaguely remember being worried about a speeding ticket. (That was one of those rather stupid thoughts!) I was also considering what it would feel like. I have never really been religious, so I really just assumed my consciousness would… well… end. It was then when I hit the railing and it gave way to my car. I went soaring over the edge, flying through the air. Of course, that ended soon enough and I started plummeting. There is a big difference between flying and plummeting, a BIG one. My excitement turned to fear as I fell towards the water. It rushed up to meet me. Now, I said before that I wasn't religious, so I never believed in that whole "tunnel" thing. Keeping this in mind, imagine how shocked I was when I was suddenly in a tunnel. At first, I didn’t realize my car was there, but it was. It scared me silly. I was sure that I was going to hell. Of course I was, I didn’t even believe in god. It was then though that I emerged from the tunnel, rather amazed. I was driving on a street now. There was only one sign, and it said “Welcome to Der Kartensatz!” On the sign there was some graffiti that said “Augen Auf.” I didn’t speak German back then, but looking back that was hilarious.

I probably should have turned back right then. It would have been a lot better for my sanity. I didn’t though, and instead my insanity started to weather away. I had been driving for a while when I first started seeing buildings. The buildings were dark and no lights could be seen. It was eerily silent and I didn’t see any movement. I thought that it might be an abandoned town. It almost reminded of a seedy city in a detective movie, except without the people or trash. That was probably the oddest thing about the place; it was clean, completely clean. Then I heard a shout, and saw a shadow move in the corner of my eye. I looked around frantically for the shadow’s source. I found what I was looking for on the top of a building, in the form of two men. One of the men was laughing. I couldn’t see them very well, but I thought one of them was talking to the other. My eyes adjusted to the light over two minutes. The men were still talking, but now I saw more. One was a normal man, though he was scared stiff. The other was laughing again, but I could see that it wasn’t a good laugh. No, it was an evil laugh, from an evil being. This man was not normal, he had grey skin and eyes… and clothes. Though other than his color scheme, this man was exactly like his panicked counterpart. Then the grey man stepped towards the other man, who, as I now noticed, was dangerously close to the edge of the roof. The grey one grinned and shoved the other man off of the roof. Time slowed, the man fell. He screamed, I heard every second of it in terrible detail. The grey version of the falling man laughed. I saw a flash of pink. The falling man hit the ground, I heard a sickening crunch. I was thoroughly petrified.

The grey-scale man stepped up to the dead man. The corpse disappeared, leaving a half of a playing card in its place. The murderer bent down and picked up the half-card. He then raised the card to his face. The half-card turned into smoke and the man inhaled it. Then it happened, his eyes darkened. He turned to me and laughed. He ran towards me with black miasma dancing across his skin. He stopped in front of me, my heart thundered. He raised his hand, about to bring it down to kill me, and then a blade came out of his stomach from the back. He gasped, and then coughed, and then evaporated.

I saw the wielder of the blade, my jaw dropped. Standing in front of me was a short, young girl, smiling, and clad in pink. She spoke, “Whoa, you almost let him change.” She bent down and picked up a playing card of the ground, and then offered it to me. “Here, I guess this is yours now.”


What happens next? What kind of card does he get? Who is this pink girl?

[Crunchyfrog]

What an exciting start!

I clicked on the link but got a 'page not found'. However, from your pics at the top of your thread, I'm guessing that these will be playing cards. So I will go for the obvious one and say the Queen of Hearts, and the pink girl - well what can I say? Not knowing any more about this world than the protagonist, I'd say she's a vigilante of some kind.

Looking forward to the next chapter - I wonder what she meant by 'you nearly let him change'. I wonder if his beginning to change had something to do with inhaling the half-card... This is good, because you are making me want to know more.

[The White Blacksmith]

Interesting start. I'll say the Jack of Clubs, simply because the fellow who dropped it doesn't seem like a king, but nor does he seem like a normal person. I am assuming each card signifies something? Do the suits tie in to the old meanings of them (clubs soldiers, spades labourers, diamonds merchants and hearts rulers)?

[vgmaster]

I should make the DP more clear...

The DP is what card he should get, but it can't be a king or a queen.

Also, the suits do symbolize something, but they are not classical by any means.

[Crunchyfrog]

Ah right. Well then I'll stick with hearts, but instead of a queen I'll go for the number six. :)

[DeadManWalking]

Well his eyes darken, so i'd say it should be either a club or a spade. I'm personally leaning towards the spades, say an ace or a ten, though Whitey's suggestion of a Jack seems sound to me.

EDIT: Forgot the second part. I saw the girl is the Queen of Hearts. Or of diamonds. One or the other. Or she could be a german Alice in the Wonderland. But that last one seems unlikely.

[Reasoner]

Three of spades...

Usually, important things in fantasy involve the number 3, and I personally think his first card is pretty important, can't be sure though, i'm not writing the story...

The girl, she's someone he knew in life, who died in a car accident when a few years back or something, he doesn't recognize her, but she does him. That's why she gives him the card.

Back to my suggestion of the card, I agree with Deady that it should be spades, he is a shadowy character, and the three is because I believe this is an important event in the story that will continue with its importance 'till the last chapter.

I like it, the cards are especially appealing, I like gothic themed objects, and I'm interested to learn more.

[vgmaster]

As for my own ideas of what should happen. I say that the card he gets should be the Jack of Spades. That's just a suggestion, the final decision goes into a poll in a few days.

[Crunchyfrog]

and... voted!

(no good at this cards thing!)

:D

[Guest]

WOW I MEAN REALLY WOW! This was so emotional! And the cards! It's awesome! The evil man have to return when you don't use the card! The girl in pink is probably a Jack, and the guy who was killed was a joker. Or ells the girl is Ace of daimonds, yes Ace of daimonds. The card he gets then is Jack of spades... Wish I was here to give you some more information. :)

[vgmaster]

Here it is, the long awaited chapter 2.



I took the card, “Err… thanks.” She shook her head back and forth as if she was listening to music. I examined the card, it was amazing. The back had a set of twins on it, in reverse color. They were intertwined in a scary way. They stared at me with their five red eyes. I could see the suits of cards in the corners of the card. There were spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs. I turned the card over; now the Jack of Spades stared at me. The young man on the card seemed to be judging me almost. He held his spear elegantly. The weapon was as beautiful as the rest of the card it had ornate decorations going up the shaft. The intertwining decorations twisted and branched into the shapes of spades. At the tip of the spear is the symbol of spades, coming to a stylish point.

I brought the card closer to my face to examine it. “Hey cowboy,” the little girl spoke up, “You should probably wait until—” Then the entire world pulsed. Time froze for an instant, and then the scene around me shattered like stained glass. Everything around me was completely black, it was oddly calming. I felt myself falling backwards, but I did not hit the ground. I just kept falling into darkness; it was not as scary as it may sound. I slowed to an unpleasant, but not painful, stop. I opened my eyes to see a familiar pair of red eyes looking back at me. The owner of the eyes, and the pair of hands that caught me, was none other than the illustrious Jack of Spades from my newest possession.

The Jack of spades held me to his face, as if examining me for impurities. Suddenly he spoke, “So you want to be the Jack of Spades.” He continued staring at me as I replied, “W-well I… uh… don’t know what you’re talking about really… sir!” He seemed to be looking at something behind me as he dismissively said, “Yes, yes fine.” He sighed and looked back at me, “Well, you showed terrible judgment in leaving poor Francine to deal with your body.” A screen materialized in front of me, showing the pink-clad girl carrying me over her shoulder and running through the streets. It was very odd being that I was so much bigger than her. The Jack of Spades shook his head and said, “Bad form, but I’ll let it slide.”
His eyes clouded and he looked at me again, “You will have to follow all my orders, as well as those of the King and Queen of Spades.” Confusion overwhelmed me. I looked around frantically, seeing the symbol of spades buzzing around me. Yet, amidst all the confusion, I felt something else. The Jack of Spades opened his mouth, “Do you accept the contract?” I felt as if I was losing myself in the confusion. It was almost as if my mind was slipping away from my body. The Jack of Spades’ eyes opened wide and he frantically asked, “Do you accept the contract?” The sensation became more potent, as if I was physically falling away from the Jack of Spades. He reached out to me, but I slipped through his fingers. As I fell into the abyss, something in my mind blinked like a warning light. I thought about it. The warning light helped me cut through the confusion, and I realized something. I was excited. I was entertained. I wasn’t bored! The confusion dissipated, like a fog on a hot summer day. I was pulled back to my place in front of the Jack of Spades. He raised an eyebrow.

I stuck my hand to the side, and then pointed to the Jack of Spades. Then, for the first time in my life, I spoke with force, the kind that let others know that I knew exactly what I was doing. I said, “I accept your contract!” The giant man straightened himself up and nodded, “Good, good.” He sighed and said, “Now, one more thing.” He raised his spear, poised to strike. My confidence left me as fast as it had come. I stumbled backwards, eyes wide with fear. He hardly paid attention as he brought the spear down towards me. I felt a sharp pain on my forehead, but I knew the spear had not penetrated my skull. I rubbed my forehead, and when I brought my hand back down I recognized the slick; red liquid that covered it. When I looked questioningly up at the Jack of Spades, he looked back with eyes full of regret.

I felt something deep inside me awaken. My vision went black, and I saw nothing. A blood red eye opened in front of me, it looked around and then at me. It looked as if it was on a face that was grinning, and I could see an evil happiness in it. It closed and disappeared. This new world inside me rumbled, and tore down the middle. I clutched my chest, and my vision pulsed red. I had heard of heart attacks feeling like having an elephant sitting on your chest, but this felt different. This felt like having a blunt dagger getting shoved through my heart. It ended then, the pain was gone, but I was still left with a feeling that part of me was gone. Something told me I could not just sit there, danger was near. When I looked up, the Jack of Spades had returned.

He said nothing, but pointed behind me. I turned around and saw a man; his skin was gray like the man who attacked me earlier. This observation made me wary, and I adjusted my stance accordingly. Something about this man struck me; he seemed familiar even in the dim light. He grinned with eyes full of evil, and began to fall backwards. As he fell down into darkness, I felt myself being lifted. I fell upwards with the Jack of Spades waving at me apologetically, and suddenly I knew who the gray man was. He was me. He was gray and considerably creepier, but he was me nonetheless. Then was not the time to worry though, as the darkness around me was disappearing. Replacing the darkness was a flood of light. The light of awareness, I realized as I regained consciousness.

Now, where does he wake up? The infirmary? The arms of a young woman? What does he see?

[The White Blacksmith]

He wakes up in a hall, with a great crowd of people watching him. At the front of the crowd are two people - obviously the king and queen of spades.

[DeadManWalking]

pretty nice. I'd say wake up with the pink girl, who does some explaining after some hysterical questioning.

[Guest]

Wake up with the girl next to him, she doesn't act hesterical. She doesn't look like the type to act like that, she carried his body toward a secluded area, and tehy soon meet up with people being curious as a cat.

[Crunchyfrog]

Good chapter, o master of Veggies.

There is one technical point on dialogue that will need to be straightened out before that Head Eater chappie comes to pass judgement as to whether your SG is ready for promotion to the main forums.

Each time a different person speaks, always put it in a new paragraph. This may mean re-jigging some of your phrases. For example:

vgmaster wrote: The Jack of spades held me to his face, as if examining me for impurities. Suddenly he spoke, “So you want to be the Jack of Spades.” He continued staring at me as I replied, “W-well I… uh… don’t know what you’re talking about really… sir!” He seemed to be looking at something behind me as he dismissively said, “Yes, yes fine.” He sighed and looked back at me, “Well, you showed terrible judgment in leaving poor Francine to deal with your body.” A screen materialized in front of me, showing the pink-clad girl carrying me over her shoulder and running through the streets. It was very odd being that I was so much bigger than her. The Jack of Spades shook his head and said, “Bad form, but I’ll let it slide.”

The Jack of spades held me to his face, as if examining me for impurities. Suddenly he spoke. “So you want to be the Jack of Spades.” He continued staring at me, waiting for my reply.

“W-well I… uh… don’t know what you’re talking about really… sir!”

He seemed to be looking at something behind me as he dismissively said, “Yes, yes fine.” He sighed and looked back at me, “Well, you showed terrible judgment in leaving poor Francine to deal with your body.”

A screen materialized in front of me, showing the pink-clad girl carrying me over her shoulder and running through the streets. It was very odd being that I was so much bigger than her. The Jack of Spades shook his head and said, “Bad form, but I’ll let it slide.”

Chapter 1 looks fine. If you go through Chapter 2 and edit it so that there is a new paragraph each time the next person speaks, then this will be ready to be moved to the General Fiction forum.


To the DP... I think it should be something appropriately freaky. I say he wakes up placed precariously atop a house of cards. One move and the whole thing will come tumbling down. :grin:

[Scheherazade]

I think he should either wake in a gutter or alley, with nobody in sight, or on a couch/bed in a house somewhere with someone making noises in a nearby room. Both still have options to keep the pink girl in the story, and they'd both probably lead to interesting happenings.

[Zeke]

The cards manifest more intensely here. Is the game part of this world, or this world the game? What does the game symbolize? How many layers exist in this parallel reality?

I think there is something special about our new "Jack", about the way he entered this world. Can he ... does he flash back to the real world? Or has he left that world behind permanently?

I'll bet Jack has questions and will want to ask someone who knows.

[Crunchyfrog]

When is this one going to poll? :)

[Thunderbird]

Well... this is interesting. Very... wild... almost hard to follow wild. Logic seems to be thrown out the window, but I did pick up on something... the jab in his forehead, the pains and bewilderment he's been experiencing... I'd say the light is over him as he wakes up on the operating table after having just crashed his vehicle off the cliff.

My one suggestion would be to work on breaking up your paragraphs a bit more. 2 or three sentances is not only just fine, but in this venue (online writing) I'd say it's a good idea.

[vgmaster]

The poll is up.

[Crunchyfrog]

...and voted!

[Fenris]

Ah damn I tied everything up. O well, I still like my option.

As Thunderbird said, you could try and spacing your story out more, less large chunks of paragraphs that scare me shftless.

[vgmaster]

I fixed the pictures at the top of the page! Check out the Augen Auf card guys! Also, I NEED MORE VOTES! Things are all tied up guys. ><

[Bookwizard]

I finally got back to this, nice SG VG :)

I say he wakes up in the girls arms, it seems to fit with the flow of the story more, lets you develop the "pink girls" character a bit more and have here help explain some of the other random things that have happened.

[DeadManWalking]

Whoops. Tied it up. >.<

[Phantomfan]

BOB WAS HERE

And broke the tie!

So glad I decided to start reading this, Veggie. You've got some great ideas here!

[Crunchyfrog]

:lol: Tied again!

[Kang]

I was wondering when this story would get moving again .... i kinda hate seeing great stories kinda die from no writing ( my subtle way of saying get another chappy up !)

[Bookwizard]

Arrg... What is it with you guys and infirmary's! :-o

[Kang]

I guess Infirmaries lead to death destruction and gore maybe??

[Crunchyfrog]

When's the next chapter, Veggie? :)

[vgmaster]

*bursts into the room*

Holy crap! Okay, I'll get on writing that right now!