City of IF

[The Meaning Of Fear]

Chapter 4- An Unexpected Companion


Rel’s first reaction was to stick out a foot to prevent tripping once more, but the two factors of his momentum and wetness rendered this attempt futile. He slipped, fell backwards, and slid to a stop on the ground.

A stinging pain on the back of his head told him two things: one, that the floor was very hard, and two, that he’d hit his cranium on this hard floor.

Woo hoo!, cried the female’s voice, No more dark and wet caves for me... Now what?

Rel shook his head to clear it, sat up, and then looked around for the enigmatic source of the voice he’d helped in the cave.

He was in an old, gloomy room, decorated by naught but cobwebs. A small, desolate-looking bed sat in a corner of the room, somehow adding to the monotony of the place; it was upon this bed that the Door which he came through floated eerily. The four walls around him looked to be made out of solid stone bricks, complete with a similarly built ceiling, which gave him a feeling of being shut in. To his relief, a small rectangular window sat out of reach just below the ceiling on one of the walls, letting in light and fresh air. Strangely, though, there was no exit.

Perhaps even stranger still was the fact he could not see the source of the voice.

Looking for me? Look in your hand.

Rel did so and found himself staring at a long, slender sword in his right hand. Noting, with a gulp, that it was dangerously close to stabbing him in the leg, he raised it to the light and turned it around to appraise the weapon properly.

There were no outstanding or elaborate decorations except for the carvings in the wooden handle, which depicted vines and flowers in minute and excruciating detail. The blade itself was double sided, straight, and would otherwise seem to be perfectly normal if it were not for the sudden widening as it met with the hilt. The cross-guard, also made of wood, was reinforced with metal.

My name’s Frenary, by the way.

Rel’s head had barely finished deciphering what the voice meant when it said it was “in his hand”, and while he did give a nod in reply, he couldn’t help but think that it wasn’t a helpful comment.

Well? What’s your name? This is common courtesy, you know.

“Um… I’m Rel. Short for Relius,” he said to the blade in his hand, feeling more than a little strange.

That look in your eyes tells me you think I’m lying, said Frenary, who sounded slightly unhappy, But now’s not the time to be a skeptic. If you’ll be as kind to do an about turn, you’ll see what I mean.

Before he could even do so, Rel was alarmed to hear a trickle of water behind him. A feeling of dread crept into the back of his mind as it half-realized what was it Frenary wanted him to look at, and a single glance at the Door confirmed his fears.

The flooding in the cave had reached the Door.

Scrambling to his feet, he rushed to the wall with the window, and tried frantically to climb out. There were not enough footholds on the wall, however, and he fell back, straight into the rapidly expanding puddle that spread itself across the floor.

Within seconds, the water had covered the area of the room, and started working its way up to fill the space around it. The freezing water seemed even colder now, and the touch of the liquid made Rel rush back to his feet in shock.

Don’t panic, instructed Frenary, who had been discarded in Rel’s desperate attempt to escape, This is actually a good thing.

“A good thing? How is it a good thing?” cried the boy, “I’m going to die!”

You’re an idiot if you don’t see it, snapped his strange companion, The window, stupid! You can tread the water when it gets high enough, and get out through there!

Frenary’s outburst shocked Rel into silence. The water kept rising at a shocking pace, and it had reached his knee by the time he snapped out of the stupor. Panic rose in his throat, and he only just managed to restrain himself from another useless escape attempt.

There’s no time!, urged Frenary, You have to throw me outside right now. If you try to swim with me in your hand I’d just get in the way, and with your idiocy you might just end up killing yourself.

Rel nodded numbly, welcoming and accepting the logic in a situation which put his mind into disarray. He quickly waded through the rapidly rising water level, and in the centre of the room, he threw with all his might.

To his dismay, it flew wide and hit a section of wall near the window. He pounced to retrieve it, splashing noisily in the water.

He had it within his grip in seconds, but the liquid rush was already at his waist, climbing higher and higher as if impatient to drown him in its freezing touch. Dread and cold slowed him, but hope pushed him back towards the spot in the centre of the room, and he threw again.

This time he sent Frenary spinning towards the window, but at the last moment her blade hit against the side and bounced off. She fell back into the water with a dull splosh.
“No!” he cried out. Again he went to pick it up, and he tried throwing once more.

“No…” he sobbed, as once again the blade missed the mark. Despair gripped his heart, telling him that he would have no way out. Ominous thoughts blanketed his mind as the water reached chest-level, and he almost gave up entirely.

Calm down, soothed Frenary, firmly but quietly, Take a deep breath.

Rel did. The water kept climbing.

Don’t think of what will happen if you don’t make it, she continued, Think of what you’ll do if you do make it.

Maybe it was the way she said it, or perhaps it was just desperation making him cling onto every hope, but Rel obeyed. He took another breath, shut his eyes, and started thinking. Almost instantly images of his home, memories of the dull city and it’s contrastingly amazing surroundings, appeared.

If I make it out of this, he thought, I want to go back home.

When he opened his eyes again, it seemed to him almost as if the water was slowing down. Swiftly, he plowed his way to where Frenary had fallen, and quickly grabbed her out of the water by the hilt.

He walked back to the centre, always aware of the rising water, but no longer afraid of it. He took another deep breath, and with a great heave, threw Frenary overhead.

Thinking back to that moment, he still couldn’t figure out whether it was her encouragement or just luck that allowed Rel to throw the sword outside. At that time, however, he wasn’t allowed enough time to think, for his head was finally submerged below the water.

Now, he knew, came the hardest part, for Rel had never in his entire life learned to swim.

But, he thought grimly, I can’t afford to give up now!

With as much strength as his limbs could put out he thrashed about, trying to bring himself up above the water.

He made it up to breathe in a few moments, but his unskilled paddling had cost him. Quickly he sank under again, but he struggled with all his might. For minutes his head bobbed above and underneath the water, while the flooding in the room carried him upwards.

It wasn’t enough.

Once he stopped his struggle against the inevitable, he sank swiftly. His arms burned and his legs felt like lead, but Rel knew that even if he could summon the energy to move, he still wouldn’t make it.

All of his determination, all his effort, was rendered futile.

It wasn’t fair.

Rel pulled out every last scrap of strength he could find inside himself, and started kicking back to the surface.

Even as he moved, however, his vision blackened, his brain threatening to shut down from lack of air.

His limbs slowed once again, but with a thrash, he continued onwards.

Heh… I thought you’d given up. Need a hand?

Rel’s felt something shift in his mind, and almost immediately control of his body was wrenched from him. He felt as though he’d been pushed away, and desperately tried to make his body move again.

To his shock, he did move, but not in the way he intended to. He felt himself swim strongly, his arms pulling to propel himself and his legs doing the rest.

Before he had even registered it, he’d made it to the window and outside. He, or whatever was moving him, averted his eyes from the bright sunlight and stood up.

He felt himself cough out some water and take a deep breath.

There! How was that? Fun?

His body collapsed, and he realized he was once again in control. He felt the exhaustion, the lead-like feeling in his limbs and the nauseous sensation in his gut rushing to meet him as he was once again thrust into the driver’s seat.

Somehow he managed to roll onto his back to face the bright sky, but that was all he could manage. Slowly, his consciousness slipped away from him.

I’m alive, was his last thought before his vision blackened.

***


When Rel woke up, it was with a sneeze. Immediately he felt a cold breeze pass over his wet clothes, and sat up quickly, wondering where he was.

The events before his near-death experience came flashing back to him, so strange they could have been a product of his dreams. His surroundings, however, told him otherwise.

Directly behind him stood a vast stone wall, stretching and rounding off to make up a gigantic circular structure. A tiny opening at ground level led to the flooded room and the Door, thought it had presumably closed while he was asleep as the water was no longer rising. In every other direction there were trees, which were small and bore no fruit. Frenary lay beside him on the dirt.

He sneezed again. It was not yet night, but the temperature was dropping. Even the sun was hiding behind a blanket of clouds.

Awake?, asked Frenary, You were out for a few hours. The sun took some of the water off you, but you’re no where near dry yet.

He hugged his legs to his chest, and took a deep breath. He had come very close to losing his life, and the terror of that moment still lingered in his mind. Warily, he looked at the sword.

“When I swam down there,” he said, slowly, “That was you, wasn’t it?”

Yes, I hijacked your mind

“…Hijack?”

Took over, she replied smugly.

He digested this information silently. The implications of this disturbed him, but before his mind could form any ideas or questions his stomach complained with a loud growl.

Deciding mind-control was a topic best considered with a full stomach, Rel looked around for breakfast.

Way ahead of you. Does rabbit sound good, or maybe you’d like a deer?

In awe he watched as two plump rabbits hopped unsteadily in his general direction. They looked confused and unsure of themselves, and when they arrived at his feet they immediately fell asleep.

Neat, isn’t it?

He felt as dazed as the rabbits, but hunger overcame his shock and uneasiness, and he picked up his meal.

As he gathered firewood he contemplated taking shelter in the large building behind him. There would likely be food, and he might find people willing to help him.

He consulted Frenary.

Don’t bother, she said, almost off-handedly, No one’s inside, but you could stay the night if you want to.

He didn’t ask her how she knew this.

With an armful of dry sticks he returned to the clearing and dropped his cargo in a pile of the ground.

His subsequent search for something to light the fire with was interrupted by Frenary.

Someone’s coming, she said, seemingly amused, Looks like he’s in bad shape, too.

An old man stumbled into view, falling face first onto the floor. He picked himself up, brushed the dirt off his ragged garments, and fell over again.

A few moments later he recovered, and finally realized the presence of another human.

“Um… Hello?”

Okay, it's been rewritten. DP is still how he reacts to the old man, but the situation has changed ever so slightly from before. Comments still welcome!

[The Meaning Of Fear]

Well, here you go, Chapter 4.

It took waaaaay longer than I expected. I actually completely scrapped it at one point and started all over because I was heading in a direction which I only later realized was trash.

Quite honestly though, I'm a bit disappointed with this chapter. I don't like the pace of this one... it just seems a bit disjointed/rushed to me. I'd really appreciate in depth feedback on this one. I may take some time later to rewrite some of this.

Anyway, the DP is how he reacts to the strange new person.

[The White Blacksmith]

I thought it was fine. The sword seemed a bit all-knowing at points, but I don't know if that's how you intended it, since that sort of thing can be worked into a story very easily.

For the DP, I suggest he tries to talk to the old man. Offer him some rabbit, try to learn about who he is. Keep Frenary close to hand - you never know what might happen, and a magical sword is always useful.

[Crunchyfrog]

Meanie wrote: Quite honestly though, I'm a bit disappointed with this chapter. I don't like the pace of this one... it just seems a bit disjointed/rushed to me.

There are some passages that work well I think, like this petulant talking sword working against Rel's rising panic as the room begins to fill with water. But other bits lacked impact - either because, as you say, they were rushed, or disjointed.

For example, you spend 95 words in the first paragraph describing how Rel tripped up as he came in through the door. There are two ideas in this paragraph - he made a spectacular trip, and he's been tripping up a lot lately.

I'm no expert, but it might make his 'slip' run faster if you said that his foot shot out as he tried to steady himself, resulting in something resembling a sliding tackle. Another way of hinting at his numerous other accidents might be to mention that the bump to his head will add to the collection of bruises from umpteen other slip-ups.

Show, rather than tell:

Quote: The fear of death was still there in his mind, as if waiting to pounce, but a way to escape had given him hope. He was able to respond, somewhat shakily, with a nod, and proceeded to throw Frenary out the window.

Try describing how he feels rather than telling us that the fear of death was in his mind. Show him looking up at the window. Is he shaking? Hyperventilating?

Quote: Unfortunately the task was much easier said than done, as her length made fitting through rather hard. After a few attempts, however, a lucky throw finally sent the talking weapon spinning into the open.

There's an opportunity to build the suspense in this bit. The water rising. The various attempts at throwing the sword up in the air. Scrabbling about in the water trying to pick it up in order to try again. Panic and frustration.

In particular I thought this bit was rushed

Quote: He’d quickly gotten to the window, out of which the water was already spilling through, and with a great heave he had never thought he was capable of, he leaped out of the water and fell onto the ground outside.

For a few minutes, he lay on his side, coughing and spewing out the water that he’d swallowed while he was submerged. He felt terribly weak, and his soaked clothing was astonishingly cold now that he was out of the water.

Even so, he was alive.

When he felt a bit better, he burst out laughing, and almost ended up choking. A huge sense of relief and joy was spreading throughout his body, warming it and giving him something that felt like hope.

He thought he was dead, but he can feel his body moving. How does it feel being pushed out through the window in a surge of water? Are his lungs full of water? Don't tell us he felt terribly weak - how heavy did his limbs feel?

'When he felt a bit better' - this seemed jarring. I'm wondering if you need that phrase at all. He's alive against all the odds! That alone is something for him to laugh about.

I don't know if any of this helps at all - if it does I'll happily look at the rest of the chapter. :)



As for the DP, I think he'd offer the man food, as he's looking tired and hungry. He could have some information about the world he's in - and what he knows about the Doors.

[The Meaning Of Fear]

Thanks Crunchy. I'm going to try rewriting those parts (or maybe the entire thing) tomorrow. I'll try do more of it in one go as well. Hopefully that way my ideas don't fly all over the place without being in sync with each other.

And I think I made some of this a bit too unclear too... Will try to make everything a bit easier to understand.

[TruePurple]

As CF said regarding the worst example, that of trip tackling through the door, you could compress a number of ideas into less words. This issue of too many words to express something is bad at first, but gets better as the chapter goes on.

An example. (this one isn't so bad btw)

Quote: When Rel thought it was nicely cooked, he lifted the meat from the fire and took a sniff. As hungry and exhausted as he was, it smelled amazing. Without hesitation, he bit in. It was still burning hot from the flames, and was a bit undercooked, but it tasted like the most delicious thing in the world to him.

After watching the rabbit get licked by the flames till he could take it no more, Rel lifted the seemingly done meat from the fire. He sniffed it, smelling a delicious scent made ever more so by his hunger and exhaustion. Without a moments *further hesitation he bit into it ; it was painfully hot and a bit undercooked but **otherwise as wonderful as it smelled.

Ok that might not have been much more compact, but i think it was a bit better organized with the details.

*He did hesitate long enough to smell it.

** I suppose you could substitute this last bit for, to him it was like the most delicious thing he had ever eaten./in the world. Its just that comparing its taste to its smell helps it be more compact. The world bit I wouldn't recommend since he's world hopping, among other reasons.

Another example from closer to the beginning where its worse.
Quote: Rel did so, and was surprised to see that he was holding the hilt of a long, slender sword in his hand. The weapon was largely undecorated, but it seemed to be of good quality and therefore dangerous. He gingerly held it at a distance to appraise it properly, noting some patterns resembling vines or plants scarcely visible on the handle, and that it was very sharp.

Very sharp clearly could have been worked into the paragraph without needing a half sentence to say that. If you wanted, you could work that it was sharp in the rabbit skinning bit instead. Also dangerous is implied in high quality and sharp, so it doesn't need to be said.

You say its largely undecorated, but then describe decoration.

Rel looked to his hand, to his surprise there was a long slender sword there.* Gingerly holding the sword in front of him he examined it further. The only decoration apparent on this seemingly high quality and very sharp looking** sword was some vines or plants, scarcely visible on the hilt.

* One does not need to specify he's holding it by the hilt, considering its very sharp, it would be unusual for him to be holding it by the blade ; especially without the pain making it obvious much earlier.

** He doesn't actually touch the blade or otherwise test its sharpness at this point. If he does you should tell us how, and what its like for him to do so.

[The Meaning Of Fear]

All right, the rewrite is up! Check where the chapter used to be for it.

And can you believe I actually forgot the room he came out of? If you read the first version of the chapter carefully it'll seem almost as if he came out of thin air.

The rewrite is undoubtably better than the first version (Anything would be better than that) but it's still not quite satisfactory, I would be thankful if someone would point out any run ons or badly wirtten parts in this.

[Crunchyfrog]

Much better pace! He's in, slipped over, up again, and taking in the situation.

One little quibble on the show vs tell front - think how you could show us the eerie light of the Door hovering over the bed, rather than telling us that it is floating on the bed.

The pace of the next few paragraphs is much better, it gives more a sense of the immediacy of the situation. He's straight in, gets up, examines the sword, sees the water pouring in. Good!

Quote: Scrambling to his feet, he rushed to the wall with the window, and tried frantically to climb out. There were not enough footholds on the wall, however, and he fell back, straight into the rapidly expanding puddle that spread itself across the floor. Good! Shows the panic.

Also in this version you get the sense that the water is gushing in at a huge rate, there's no time to hang around.

You built up the suspense really well with the part where he's trying to throw the sword out of the window. At one point I really thought he'd done it, when at the last moment it fails. Good! You can see him panicking.

However you lose your pace again when you sort of 'look back' from a future point...
Quote:
Thinking back to that moment, he still couldn’t figure out whether it was her encouragement or just luck that allowed Rel to throw the sword outside. At that time, however, he wasn’t allowed enough time to think, for his head was finally submerged below the water.

This is supposed to be a momentous turning point - sword goes through the window, his luck is finally changing, but he doesn't get the time to realise it because his head is submerging. Perhaps he thinks he's lost the sword for good, as he goes under. Or perhaps he sees it go through, spurring him on. Whichever way you write it, keep the suspense by staying in the moment, rather than looking back.

I think you handled his almost completely giving up, to Frenery controlling his body much much better this time, especially when Frenery has him standing there, coughing, before she 'lets go' and he collapses. Good!

A much improved chapter, and well worth the effort! :cool:

***

For the DP - I'd still say offer the man some food. He looks like he's been through a lot, and can hardly stand up. There are two rabbits after all! And question him about the world he's entered.

Hope this helps!

[The Meaning Of Fear]

I didn't catch that flashbacky bit when I did my skim read, but now that it's been pointed out to me I can't believe I missed it. Thanks for the help!

I kind of neglected to make too much mention of the Door itself because it would not actually glow much, on account that there's not really a source of light on the other side. However, I shall endeavour to think of another way to emphasize it's there-ness. :P

::EDIT::

I forgot to say that the poll should be coming up in a day or two.

[TruePurple]

Well you have already established the door is opaque, that light can't travel through it, else there wouldn't be the same level of mystery in what is on the other side. But the door could be giving off magical light or something. Does this door look like the doors that pop up on his planet? Do all the doors that pop up on his planet look the same?

He could have left Frenary in the room, granted she would probably then let him drown. But he didn't know about that at this time. It still seems a bit strange there was no discussion over him spending so much time and effort trying to get her out first. Also, you said there was a bed, you would figure he would attempt to slide that over to the window for greater reach. Hell, if he tiped it up, he could even climb up it, if it didn't give him enough height when down. Unless this bed was just a bunch of cushioning maybe?

By "no exit" you mean he couldn't see a door anywhere on the room?

As far as the decision point, what's there to decide? I mean he could not help the guy, but that would be plain silly. Unless maybe we are to decide who the guy is, what he wants, why he's in bad shape etc? I dislike DP's like that though, makes me feel like I am writing part of your story for you.

[The Meaning Of Fear]

TruePurple wrote: Well you have already established the door is opaque, that light can't travel through it, else there wouldn't be the same level of mystery in what is on the other side. But the door could be giving off magical light or something. Does this door look like the doors that pop up on his planet? Do all the doors that pop up on his planet look the same?

He could have left Frenary in the room, granted she would probably then let him drown. But he didn't know about that at this time. It still seems a bit strange there was no discussion over him spending so much time and effort trying to get her out first. Also, you said there was a bed, you would figure he would attempt to slide that over to the window for greater reach. Hell, if he tiped it up, he could even climb up it, if it didn't give him enough height when down. Unless this bed was just a bunch of cushioning maybe?

By "no exit" you mean he couldn't see a door anywhere on the room?

As far as the decision point, what's there to decide? I mean he could not help the guy, but that would be plain silly. Unless maybe we are to decide who the guy is, what he wants, why he's in bad shape etc? I dislike DP's like that though, makes me feel like I am writing part of your story for you.

It seems I wasn't very clear on some matters, but I'll try to explain...

The Doors do, in fact, appear opaque, because you cannot see through them into the other side (both behind the Door and through it). However, light still travels through, only that it is slightly scrambled through transit and as a result no longer registers as any image in the human mind.

Generally, Doors all look the same, but have minor differences depending on where they lead to. For example, a Door leading to a very bright place would generally glow very strongly, and a Door leading to a pool of lava would, well, spew out lava...

They may also differ in size, though you wouldn't expect to, say, find a Door the size of a house.

I was a bit unclear on the bed, but it was nailed (or bolted, if you like that better. What about glued?) to the wall.

Rel was a bit dazed at the time, didn't he think it through much. She told him something that sounded logical, and he listened.

And yeah, there wasn't a door in the room.

[TruePurple]

You would save some space by not quoting my whole post, it is right above yours after all.

If the light was "slightly" scrambled, you would still be able to make out shapes or more, even if the light was really scrambled, you should still be able to make out color.(like, the door would appear green if there was a forest on the other side)

I would want to investigate the building(after talking to/helping the guy) Maybe considering making it the place to camp for the night (its a already set up shelter) I suppose the no visible door thing could apply to the whole building, but you won't know till you check.

[Crunchyfrog]

First vote! Went for the question-asking. No food 'til he answers the questions! :D

[The Meaning Of Fear]

And we have a shiny new forum! Yay! :D

I seem to have made an error whilst splitting the threads, though, so now my chapter 4 poll has ended up in the prologue thread. Look there to vote.

Here's the link.

Hopefully the forum will help get some players in. And perhaps motivate me to work harder. :lol:

[The Meaning Of Fear]

Poll closed. Rel shall be asking the poor, starving, and weakened (Did I mention TIRED?) old man questions before even considering to feed the poor elderly male.

*Cough* Crunchy is evil. *Cough*