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The Meaning Of Fear



Joined: 06 May 2006
Posts: 980
Location: In a deep, dark corner of the universe, plotting.

Posted: Tue Mar 31, 2009 12:19 am    Post subject: Chapter 5  

Chapter 5- Distant


The newcomer was not exactly an impressive sight. His clothes, a long-sleeved shirt and folded-up trousers, were damaged and frayed. His shoes were no better off. The grayed hairs on his head were in a mess, a strand of it lying over his forehead. But what Rel found the most remarkable was his face.

The old man’s eyes were so full of hope and joy Rel found it hard to take his gaze away from them. When those dropped to ground level and saw the rabbits, the expression on the old man’s face was so comical Rel found he could not continue looking.

Scrambling to his feet with more speed than one would expect form an elderly man, he addressed Rel again, this time with a hint of hopefulness.

“H-Hello there. You are a fellow traveler, like I?...”

Still trying to get a hold of the situation, Rel found his brain somewhat unresponsive, and no reply was given.

“I’ve run into a little bad luck in my travels, and, well…” the sentence was not finished, but his goal was clearly shown in his eyes.

A sudden idea hit as Rel’s tired brain finally caught up with the present. He has in dire need of information, and this person, an inhabitant of this world, will definitely have what he needs to know.

“Of course I can give you some food,” he promised, slowly and reassuringly, “but I want you to answer some questions first.”

A hint of disappointment, but followed by fierce nodding.

He decided to start with an easy one: “Who are you?”

“My name is Neil. I am normally a scholar, but sometimes my research prompts me to travel a bit.”

The answer made Rel raise an eyebrow. A small spark of curiosity jumped in his head, wishing to know what kind of “research” would make an elderly jump into the wilderness, but he ignored the impulse. “Where are we?”

He saw he’d made a mistake as soon as the question left his mouth. Neil looked puzzled, and replied, “I don’t know. That’s why I’m lost, you see.”

Rel groaned inwardly at his stupidity and rephrased his question, “I mean where we are in general. What area? Country? Continent? And is there a town nearby?”

“I take it from that question that you are a foreigner?”

This counter-question was not answered and, with a sigh, Neil continued, “We are on the continent of Chronica, in the Kingdom of Messyrias, and I believe we are somewhere inside the forest to the east of Hermysville, a small farming town. By the look on your face, I’m thinking that this isn’t of much help to you?”

Relius groaned and tore at his hair in exasperation. “I don’t even know where North is in this place… Now that I think about it, why did I even ask you? You’re lost too!”

This outburst of emotion seemed to amuse Neil, who laughed, but not meanly. “Don’t worry. With any luck, we shall be able to find the village I was speaking of. I’m sure we won’t have any problems surviving in this place, you and me.”

This show of friendliness drew a blink of surprise, and then a smile. It seems he now had a companion on this accidental trip.

***

Whilst the rabbits, now with sticks driven through them cooked on a small, crackling campfire, Neil told Rel about himself in more detail.

Neil had worked as a professor in a humble institute for most of his life, and had jokingly added that, “Everything before teaching was learning, at the exact same place.” Having married quite late into his life, he only had a single son, who he is now out of touch with. His wife had passed away a few years ago.

He paused, and for a moment, Rel could see a hint of melancholy about the old man, but Neil recovered quickly and started to talk about his current research.

He had, by chance, discovered some documents concerning a strange, fog-like phenomenon in one of the institute library’s dusty shelves. At first, they seemed to be some sort of fiction, a fantasy of a wild imagination or ramblings of the insane. However, the writings interested him, and he delved further into the topic.

To his surprise, news of a strange, seemingly ghostly apparition reached him that was eerily similar to that described in the papers in his possession. After confirming this with several sources, he had set out to find the phenomenon for himself. He and his recently hired assistant set off, but they were separated and he got lost.

Rel’s curiosity was impatient to know more. He turned the rabbits over the fire as he asked hastily, “What’s this thing you’re looking for like?”

The grey-haired man paused and closed his eyes as if in deep thought. Slowly, the words came out of his mouth, “This particular phenomenon is a strange one… It appears as a small patch of fog, or mist, and can appear anywhere at all. From the notes I have read, they are also sometimes luminescent.”

A small uneasiness stirred in Rel’s stomach. The heat emanating from the small fire was quite warm, but he found himself shivering with apprehension.

“The author of the paper records that small objects have come out of the phenomenon. He subsequently attempted to throw some in to see how it would react, but whatever object he threw inside disappeared… It seems he has also attempted to coax a cow-”

“Stop!”

Neil jumped in surprise at the shout, and looked at the boy.

Rel sat on the ground, rabbits laid down beside the fire. He hugged his legs close to his chest, and took a few deep breaths.

He could not believe it. Out of all the things in the world, in all the worlds out there, this miracle of a coincidence unsettled him.

“Those… I know what you’re talking about. I… came through one of those today.”

Neil’s eyes widened in disbelief. He opened his mouth, and closed it, as if lost for words.

Finally, he said, “So… you can’t find your way back home?”

The question surprised Rel. He had expected a torrent of inquiries about the Doors, information which would be vital to the professor’s research. Instead, it was this. A sincere, sympathetic question.

He’s a good man, Frenary whispered into his mind, shocking him after being silent for the better part of an hour, You should tell him everything that happened. But leave out the part about me, okay?, she added quickly.

“It’s all right… If you don’t want to talk about it, it’s fine. But I promise I’ll do everything in my power to help you…” the offer was quiet, almost whispered, but Rel could detect genuine concern in his voice.

The boy took a few more deep breaths to steady his nerves. He searched for the words inside his head, and began, “Where I come from, we call them Doors…”

***

“So, you came through one of these ‘Doors’ and now… you can’t go back?”

Rel nodded. The sky was completely dark now, but they had added branches to their small camp fire, and the rabbits were eaten half way through the telling of his story. One now lay in his stomach, warming him.

“Oh, right, the castle!” exclaimed Neil, “I completely forgot about it… We should take shelter inside. It might start raining in the night.”

Relius blinked. Despite having talked about the castle when he was telling his story, he had himself yet to remember the hulking body of the building behind him. With another quick nod, they doused the fire and gathered their things. For Rel, it meant picking up Frenary from the ground.

Neil cocked an eyebrow. “You know, you never told me about that sword of yours. Did you bring it along in case something came out of the Door?”

Lie!, cried Frenary into his head, He gave you an excuse, use it!

“I, uh, picked it up in the cave.”

What kind of a… Oh, never mind.

“Is that so… well, we’d better get going. The sooner we find the entrance, the better.”

Frenary sighed in relief inside his head, and was silent once more.

Meanwhile, the two males chatted.

“Relius, my boy, do you remember how you told me the Door would not let you through inside the cave?” asked Neil with a twinkle of amusement in his eyes.

“What about it?”

The ragged-looking professor chuckled. “You said that on this side, the Door was floating on top of the bed and beside the wall,” he pointed out, “My guess is that when you first attempted to come through, you pushed against said wall and couldn’t get through.”

The old coot is smart.

“R-really?” asked Rel in surprise. Now that the idea occurred to him, he realized it must be true.

Neil laughed again, and then said with some excitement, “These Doors of yours, they are such an interesting subject. The possibilities are almost endless! Hopefully, though, the Door in Laeris will lead back to your home. It’s quite a big town, too, so I could get myself some books.”

Neil’s enthusiasm was infectious; strangely, Rel found himself cheerful as well.
About fifteen minutes later, however, they both stopped. Something was wrong but Rel couldn’t figure out what.

After a few moments, it hit him. There was the remains of a campfire on the ground. They had made it all the way around.

“That can’t be right,” Neil muttered, “We didn’t see an entrance.”

They went around again, this time running. The result was the same.

“How can this be? There must be an entrance!”

Tell him to leave it be, Frenary told him wearily, You can camp outside or something.

Rel relayed this to Neil, making it sound like it was his idea. Neil frowned, but nodded, obviously disturbed.

They made camp where they had ate their meal, and rested.

***

“They’re asleep.”

For a few moments, silence.

“Why are you two so quiet today?” the same voice whispered.

Someone’s watching. Keeping them away, grunted another.

Axe’s room got flooded, exclaimed a third, shrill voice in delight.

“Watching? What do you mean?” the first voice asked impatiently.

Someone like us. Probing.

“That’s… interesting. I thought that sword looked familiar. But I never thought for a moment that something like that would happen.”

The first voice started to chuckle, and then laughed, long into the night.

***

“Well… this is a bit of a predicament, isn’t it?”

Neil, still drowsy, had voice this question. They had woken up early in the morning, and with haste they set off, both trying to ignore the building without a door. An hour’s trudging in the bush got them a pleasant surprise; they had found a road.

After assuring himself that he was heading in the right direction, Neil led Rel down the path in high spirits. However, they now reached a crossroad. Three paths split off in front of them, but there was no sign to guide them.

The first path split off sharply to the left. It was wide, and adorned with old wheel tracks. Other than that, however, it was completely unremarkable.

The second path was considerably smaller, and obviously not meant for wagons or carriages of any kind. This one appeared to be more recently travelled, however, and many footprints were visible in the dirt.

The third...

*******

The DP this chapter is to discuss what the third path will be like. Descriptions would be welcome. Of course, it does not necessarily mean that the third path will be taken; I have events planned for the first two, which should set the plot going nicely. In the poll, I will have the first two paths, and then all the different suggestions for the third one.

Have fun!
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The White Blacksmith



Joined: 02 Apr 2006
Posts: 2629

Posted: Tue Mar 31, 2009 11:57 am    Post subject:  

The third is far more orderly and well built, but it is apparant there has been a battle there. There are bodies strewn about roughly 40m away.
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Scheherazade



Joined: 19 Jan 2008
Posts: 57
Location: Land of Rain and More Rain (but really southwestern BC, in Canada)

Posted: Sun Apr 26, 2009 6:21 pm    Post subject:  

The third road is an ancient road, paved with cobblestones at one point but fallen far into disarray. The grass, growing rather long, shows that nobody has been by in a very long time indeed.
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The Meaning Of Fear



Joined: 06 May 2006
Posts: 980
Location: In a deep, dark corner of the universe, plotting.

Posted: Sun Apr 26, 2009 11:25 pm    Post subject:  

Thanks for the suggestions!

I'll need a couple more for the poll to start, and I really want to start it soon. It's been almost a month between the last 2 posts, you know! :lol:

And please don't hesitate to point out any part of the story you don't like. I know my writing is at a very mediocre if not downright crap. I'd really like to make it better, so feedback would be a huge help. ;)
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Crunchyfrog



Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Posts: 3998

Posted: Mon Apr 27, 2009 2:28 am    Post subject: Re: Chapter 5  

I had a go at reading this chapter a few weeks ago, but never finished it - it didn't really have enough impact to make me really feel I was there with the characters.

Now I've had the time to look into it in more detail, I've had a few thoughts as to why that might be. I think you're falling back into the telling rather than showing again, and it reduces the impact of your story. Your delivery seems overanalytical in places - almost as if you are approaching it like a scientific study. Underneath all the overanalysis, there's a great piece of character development going on, and the relationship that's forming will no doubt be the cornerstone of the next few chapters. So lets see it shine!

Just a note - I realise that what I've concentrated on is perhaps attacking your writing style, so take from it what you think is useful - it is only an opinion.



The Meaning Of Fear wrote:

The newcomer was not exactly an impressive sight. His clothes, a long-sleeved shirt and folded-up trousers, were damaged and frayed. His shoes were no better off. The grayed hairs on his head were in a mess, a strand of it lying over his forehead. But what Rel found the most remarkable was his face.

The old man’s eyes were so full of hope and joy Rel found it hard to take his gaze away from them. When those dropped to ground level and saw the rabbits, the expression on the old man’s face was so comical Rel found he could not continue looking.

Scrambling to his feet with more speed than one would expect form an elderly man, he addressed Rel again, this time with a hint of hopefulness.

These three paragraphs are almost completely made up of 'tell' statements.

Show us how the scruffy man scrambles to his feet - show us his eyes lighting up at the sight of the rabbits, making Rel chuckle. You don't have to describe every detail of his clothes and hair. Just hinting that they are frayed, and that his hair is grey and thinning will be enough - most of us will get the picture of an eccentric old scholar who's got lost in the woods and is hungry, letting you get on with the story.

Quote: Still trying to get a hold of the situation, Rel found his brain somewhat unresponsive, and no reply was given. - Another 'tell' statement, and the highlighted tense here I think is called the 'impersonal' - something you should avoid as it distances the action from both characters. Rel is lost for words, so show him being dumbfounded. Perhaps he smiles and shrugs his shoulders while he's trying to think of something sensible to say.

Quote: “I’ve run into a little bad luck in my travels, and, well…” the sentence was not finished, but his goal was clearly shown in his eyes.

Again, this is impersonal. Show how his sentence trails off as his eyes fix longingly on those rabbits.

Quote: A sudden idea hit as Rel’s tired brain finally caught up with the present. He has in dire need of information, and this person, an inhabitant of this world, will definitely have what he needs to know.
We don't actually need this paragraph. Rel's response below is enough to show us what he is thinking and what he needs. Getting rid of this paragraph makes a stronger link between Neil's hungry gaze and Rel's reply.

Quote: “Of course I can give you some food,” he promised, slowly and reassuringly, “but I want you to answer some questions first.”


Quote: “My name is Neil. I am normally a scholar, but sometimes my research prompts me to travel a bit.”

The answer made Rel raise an eyebrow. A small spark of curiosity jumped in his head, wishing to know what kind of “research” would make an elderly jump into the wilderness, but he ignored the impulse. “Where are we?” Too many words - a little too much 'telling'. You also have word repetition in 'jump'.

Rel raised an eyebrow as he wondered what kind of "research" would bring an elderly man into the wilderness without any provisions.

Quote: “I take it from that question that you are a foreigner?”

This counter-question was not answered and, with a sigh, Neil continued, “We are on the continent of Chronica, in the Kingdom of Messyrias, and I believe we are somewhere inside the forest to the east of Hermysville, a small farming town. By the look on your face, I’m thinking that this isn’t of much help to you?”

Again, avoid the 'impersonal' (highlighted). Instead show the akward silence between them before Neil sighs and continues explaining where they are.



Quote: Relius groaned and tore at his hair in exasperation. “I don’t even know where North is in this place… Now that I think about it, why did I even ask you? You’re lost too!”

This outburst of emotion seemed to amuse Neil, who laughed, but not meanly. “Don’t worry. With any luck, we shall be able to find the village I was speaking of. I’m sure we won’t have any problems surviving in this place, you and me.”

Just say that Neil laughed. Show that it wasn't a mean laugh with something that he does. Perhaps he shakes his head, or puts his hand on Rel's shoulder.

Quote: This show of friendliness drew a blink of surprise, and then a smile. It seems he now had a companion on this accidental trip. Show us the character. Rel blinked and then smiled. A companion on this trip would be most welcome.

***

Quote: Whilst the rabbits, now with sticks driven through them cooked on a small, crackling campfire, Neil told Rel about himself in more detail.

Neil had worked as a professor in a humble institute for most of his life, and had jokingly added that, “Everything before teaching was learning, at the exact same place.” Having married quite late into his life, he only had a single son, who he is now out of touch with. His wife had passed away a few years ago.

He paused, and for a moment, Rel could see a hint of melancholy about the old man, but Neil recovered quickly and started to talk about his current research.

He had, by chance, discovered some documents concerning a strange, fog-like phenomenon in one of the institute library’s dusty shelves. At first, they seemed to be some sort of fiction, a fantasy of a wild imagination or ramblings of the insane. However, the writings interested him, and he delved further into the topic.

To his surprise, news of a strange, seemingly ghostly apparition reached him that was eerily similar to that described in the papers in his possession. After confirming this with several sources, he had set out to find the phenomenon for himself. He and his recently hired assistant set off, but they were separated and he got lost.

This might take a lot of time and you might not want to do it for this chapter, but where you're writing a 'catch up' passage here, try instead to act out the conversation between the two characters. How would it develop? Neil's story might be exciting and engaging, and it would give us a deeper insight into his character if you showed him actually recounting the story.


Quote: A small uneasiness stirred in Rel’s stomach. The heat emanating from the small fire was quite warm, but he found himself shivering with apprehension. Okay, now this is Rel's reaction as he makes the realisation that Neil has just described a typical Door. Give it more impact. Let's feel how Rel's stomach turns over, lets feel those goosebumps creeping up his back despite the warmth of the fire.

Quote: “The author of the paper records that small objects have come out of the phenomenon. He subsequently attempted to throw some in to see how it would react, but whatever object he threw inside disappeared… It seems he has also attempted to coax a cow-”

“Stop!”

Neil jumped in surprise at the shout, and looked at the boy.

Rel sat on the ground, rabbits laid down beside the fire. He hugged his legs close to his chest, and took a few deep breaths.

Now this is GOOD!


Quote: The question surprised Rel. He had expected a torrent of inquiries about the Doors, information which would be vital to the professor’s research. Instead, it was this. A sincere, sympathetic question. Too much analysis. Neil has just hit a chord with Rel saying 'so you can't get back home?'.

That is a significant thing for him to say - it shows that Neil's concern for Rel is just as important as the research he's been doing all his life. So let the moment play itself out. Perhaps the question makes Rel's eyes prick with tears for example. The next passage you have with Frenery echoes that sentiment nicely, and lightens the moment too when she adds about leaving the bit out about her.

Quote: He’s a good man, Frenary whispered into his mind, shocking him after being silent for the better part of an hour, You should tell him everything that happened. But leave out the part about me, okay?, she added quickly.


Quote: “It’s all right… If you don’t want to talk about it, it’s fine. But I promise I’ll do everything in my power to help you…” the offer was quiet, almost whispered, but Rel could detect genuine concern in his voice. Overanalysis highlighted here. ;) We've already had the impact of Neil's kindliness, I don't think you need to qualify anything about 'how' he says this here.

Quote: The boy took a few more deep breaths to steady his nerves. He searched for the words inside his head, and began, “Where I come from, we call them Doors…”

A nice ending to that segment of the chapter. :)


I'm going to call a halt to the crit there and just summarise now. Basically I think that if you try not to over analyse, just write it how it happens, then read through and tweak, you'll have a chapter that is tighter, delivering your ideas with more impact. Try applying these ideas to the rest of the chapter, and keep them in mind for the next.

On a seperate note, the DP - For all the character introduction you did (and the brief interlude with the voices during the night) it was a shame that the DP was nothing more than suggestions on what the third path might be.

Still, something more unusual, perhaps. A path that runs down into a tunnel might be interesting. :)
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TruePurple



Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Posts: 256

Posted: Mon Apr 27, 2009 2:38 am    Post subject:  

Quote: The ragged-looking professor chuckled. “You said that on this side, the Door was floating on top of the bed and beside the wall,” he pointed out, “My guess is that when you first attempted to come through, you pushed against said wall and couldn’t get through.”

This confused me. You mean the door faced a wall on the other side? Reading chapter 4 I would not think this would be the case. If the wall was just perpendicular to the wall then it wouldn't have stopped him.

"Beside the wall" is an especially unclear line. Since there are lots of ways it could have been "beside the wall". The door could have been in any position in relation to the wall and still be called "beside it". All that "beside" tells me is the wall is reasonably close to the door.
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The Meaning Of Fear



Joined: 06 May 2006
Posts: 980
Location: In a deep, dark corner of the universe, plotting.

Posted: Fri May 01, 2009 2:54 pm    Post subject:  

Thanks for the feedback! I do have an awful habit of making it tell rather than show, and I have trouble setting up better DPs too.

I'll put the poll up shortly, and in the meantime I'll see what I can do about this chapter.
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