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Chapter Eleven (Part II) (aka The One With Too Much Angst!)
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scissorkitty



Joined: 04 Mar 2008
Posts: 789
Location: Escaping the Hair Lair

Posted: Mon Feb 16, 2009 2:46 pm    Post subject:  

ChapterEleven: part II

Time passed like it always does in dreams, in snippets partly heard, in moments that run together like paint on a brush, and in sensations that don't always connect to the ongoing story.

It was one of these touches, the whispered breath of a feather against her cheek, that threw Leah from sleep.

What the FUCK?!!
Her screech, amplified by both panic, and the stone wall behind her head, rocketed through the room and dragged George into wakefullness. He scrubbed his eyes and blinked blearily.

Whasssits? Iwasleeping... mm?

The fire had long since died down to ashes and glimmers, but the uncurtained windows provided more than enough soft moonlight to showcase their strange new surroundings. Leah tentatively poked at the pile of furs.

Fur? Dude.. what the hell? Is this real fur? And.. uh.. were the fuck is the cafe? Trying with every effort to restrain the hysteria inside from escaping, she was struck by the stunned look on her buddy's face.

Dude? George? Hello??? man.. did you get hit in the head? Is this a big trip or something??

A slow smile tweaked the corners of George's gaping mouth, and he shut it with an audible click, reaching out at the same time to pull Leah to his chest, and stroke her back.

Real. They're real...

Whatever he was doing, Leah felt herself relax against his warm chest. Something about this felt so right, so comforting, it was a battle to keep focused on the utter weirdness going on. She shifted her shoulder blades, so his scratching fingers could get to the itchy place riiiiiiigh below..

HOLY MOTHERFUCKER!!!!

She lept to her feet, blankets scattering, fragments of cloth shooting in different directions. Shaking with fear and rage, Leah glared about the wooden room, wings mantling behind her.

You're so pretty! Just calm down.
George picked a few specks of black down from beneath his nails, and patted the furs beside him.
I'm okay, you're okay, we're in some magical land, the Pikey twins are missing and the tea wasn't as good as I expected. That's all!

THAT'S ALL?!!!!!!

And you're, uh, naked.... now.

What was left of Leah's sweater dress gave way, and landed on the floorboards.



okay gang~ with this little expansion in effect.. what now? Our twosome are in a wooden building, ostensibly in the middle of some sort of pastoral setting. It's night, the fire is gone, Leah is nekkid, and the twins are nowhere to be seen. It's not exactly winter outside, although it's not super warm either. There are windows and doors in the little room, it may or may not be part of a larger structure. Leah and George have on them whatever they had earlier in the story- minus the uber-destroyed clothing. Plus, there's that pile of furs on the ground. Leah is freaking out, but George is amazingly calm. Suggestions away!!
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Crunchyfrog



Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Posts: 3998

Posted: Wed Feb 18, 2009 1:57 am    Post subject:  

Leah covers herself with the furs (as far as the wings will allow) and they explore their surroundings.

The change of scene is that gobsmacking, I can't think of much else!

Very well written. :tu:
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Chinaren



Joined: 05 Sep 2005
Posts: 8797
Location: http://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com

Posted: Wed Feb 18, 2009 7:13 pm    Post subject:  

Alright, nudity!

Caught up with this one Skitty, very nice so far.

As for the Dead Pony*, I'm just going to F5 the froggy one.


*DP.
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Smee



Joined: 16 Oct 2004
Posts: 5215
Location: UK

Posted: Thu Feb 19, 2009 1:55 am    Post subject:  

Now we're talking!

It seems George is just going to calmly follow wherever Leah's leads, perhaps offering shoulder massages.

She doesn't sound too impressed by the furs, so unless George can convince her they're fake, I can't imagine her wanting to dress in them.

If her wings are going to be involved with flying at some point, I'm assuming they're fairly large. Some strategic folding round of them could provide modest covering, but that'd only draw attention to her wings, which I don't think she's ready for either.

As a compromise perhaps, George offers his trousers (I doubt Leah would fall for a Y-fronts man, I'm assuming he's wearing boxers which will be sufficient for exploring their surrounding), and Leah uses one wing to conceal her bewbies

Once dressed-ish - go go explore!

Happy Writing :)
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TruePurple



Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Posts: 256

Posted: Thu Feb 19, 2009 9:46 am    Post subject:  

What's a 'pirate nose'? How is a ear expander different from a earring? What do his ear expanders look like?

I don't feel you made it clear the wings were gone when she looked in the mirror, I only learned this afterwards when she's telling the story. Actually I thought they were still there when she looked in the mirror till latter at the story telling point.

Smelled like a cat...fur.. smelled like a creature in a warm den. Especially the cat one, I mean was there a cat she was smelling? Otherwise it doesn't really make sense. I get what your saying, it had the presence of comfort. But perhaps you could describe a comfortable setting and let us infer for ourselves the comfort part?

How come chapter 5 comes after chapter 5, 6, & 7? Your chapter count mysteriously goes back. Also, you should have a space between the word chapter & the number, you might even want to make this oversized so its easier to find each chapter.

In the second chapter 5,

"Luckily, the owner had forethough,"

-forethought

"rocking the androgynous look to just short the point of desperation"

Rocking? Maybe you mean taking? And I don't understand how desperation plays into this. This quoted part doesn't work for me/quite make sense to me.

"Annie Lennox style close"

I really wish you would stop using famous people for your descriptions. You've done this a number of times before in this story, and finally I've encountered enough of em to make it worth commenting on. Its annoying, I don't know who these people are so the references don't mean anything to me. And I don't want to spend time googling these people trying to understand what you mean. It's enough that I have to look up words like 'bandeau' (bra would have worked too) :?

I see in a reply you had it as "cropped close" before, I would prefer it that way.

"t' ken"

Is this word 'taken'? If so, I don't understand it.

d-lotus wrote:
she hasn't even confessed her secret to her partner/chum George.
What secret? She told him about the wings.

In the second chapter 6.
"He linger, picking at the peeling green paint."

Who did? George? He was rushing to the bathroom, anyway the grammar is off. At the very least it should be lingered.

Where did George stop to linger? Presumably somewhere out of Leahs sight. And why did you specify gents room door? This whole bit is pretty confusing.

"Chapter Five: part two"

What the hell? Three chapter fives? It was just chapter 7 a moment ago, how could this be part two to either of the other chapter fives? It seems your story is bound to perpeptually be labeled either chapter 5, 6, or 7.

@Smee
She wouldn't bother concealing herself in front of George I would think. But I think she would want to put on some coverage then rush outside to both see whats going on but more importantly, to try out those wings.

Oh, and shes half naked, not naked, right?
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DeadManWalking



Joined: 24 May 2006
Posts: 1005

Posted: Thu Feb 19, 2009 5:12 pm    Post subject:  

Just read this Skitty! Nice job! I'd comment on what i liked, but i just read about 9? 10? chapters worth of great material (btw, you should consider fixing your numbering. Just a thought. (because as far as i can tell you have about four chapter fives.)

Anyway, nice job!

I think they're still asleep. It is magical tea after all; this could just be more of a dream. A dreamscape would allow Leah to accept her wings as more than freakish apparitions. And they could wake up in the cafe later.
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scissorkitty



Joined: 04 Mar 2008
Posts: 789
Location: Escaping the Hair Lair

Posted: Thu Feb 19, 2009 8:36 pm    Post subject:  

Okay.. hold on. I have to fix the chapter numbers. I honestly didn't realise what I'd been doing until Crunchy pointed it out.. so I though it would be funny to continue just once more. Apparently it's more annoying than funny so.. *g*.. consider that road bump smoother over.

True: as to my pop culture references, I'm trying to establish character and time period, as well as personal musical/cultural tastes of my characters (as well as myself) through these. If they prove annoying to you, i'm sorry and I'll just apologize right now again in advance- it's a quirk of my personal writing style, and not likely to stop, no matter how unfortunate that may be.

Great catch on my little errors throughout, though! Thanks! I get caught up, and although these chapters get quite a few proof readings before I post them, certain matters of syntax don't always get caught.

The warm creature smell you mentioned IS an allusion to the "smell of comfort", but also a literary trick to emphasize the non-human, more animalistic side of Leah, with her new wings.

A pirate nose is a great big hooking nose, something likely to be found on Captain Hook or his ilk. An ear expander is NOT just a regular earring- it's a spacer or a very large earring designed to stretch the earlobe- expanding it beyond the regularly seen range.

I thought it was pretty clear her wings were gone when she looked in the mirror, and it was noted that, "her newly inked torso and back provided no further information".. if they were still around, Leah's tirade of crazy would probably have continued. Sorry if I confused you there!

When I used "rocking the look", I meant working the look, wearing it, sporting it.. however you want to say it. Taking that kind of style and wearing it to the upmost level.
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Chinaren



Joined: 05 Sep 2005
Posts: 8797
Location: http://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com

Posted: Thu Feb 19, 2009 9:50 pm    Post subject:  

All these new fangled sayings. In my day we had three runes to use and we were better off for it.
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TruePurple



Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Posts: 256

Posted: Thu Feb 19, 2009 9:51 pm    Post subject:  

Please be redundant then. Please don't just depend on the famous person reference to explain how short something is or what ever else. That way those of us who don't know who this or that is, will know what your describing too.

"her newly inked torso and back provided no further information"

I thought maybe, no further information to why she has wings on her back. I thought she still had the wings because you speak of her taking a triple take of disbelief after looking in the mirror, or something (too lazy to go back and check at the moment) Surely there must be a way to specify the wings are no longer there at the moment?

Bold does help, but would you please oversize the chapter # as well so it is easier to find them among the feedback? Oh, and now that I know that it was meant to be a joke,(I didn't read alot of the feedback, including the one pointing this out) it was a little funny. But It's nice that its set right now too.

What's a hooking nose? You mean, with a large bump on it? Why would someone want to stretch their ears and make them look bigger?

Where does desperation play in 'rocking the look'?

Quote: The warm creature smell you mentioned IS an allusion to the "smell of comfort", but also a literary trick to emphasize the non-human, more animalistic side of Leah, with her new wings.
In my opinion, the trick failed. Especially since you didn't even describe these things to her as much as to the place in general. Perhaps you could describe her sensing various aspects of the place and how it gave her the desire to curl up somewhere like a cat in front of a fireplace. Or something.

Also, having wings doesn't mean your less human. Your just a human with wings. Likewise she wouldn't necessarily be more "animalistic" (a funny term since humans are animals & very often behave accordingly anyway)

When you go back to correct things, I would pay special attention to the part where George pretends to need to go to the bathroom. That transition IMHO was totally botched (no offense please) It is really hard to get a sense of what George is doing between the time he leaves the table and the time he talks to the waitress, as well as being very hard to tell where he is when he is talking to the waitress. I assume a hockey little restaurant wouldn't have many 'other rooms' and the bathroom is in the back behind the service door, which is where he is taking to her? That's my best guess anyway. But I'm not sure that fits either.

As part of this, it's a little hard to get a feel for the character motivation behind this move too. I understand why he might be embarrassed to say it in front of Leah, but did he mean to meet up with the waitress to say it? Was he working up the courage to say it in front of her? Did he actually initially intend to go into the bathroom itself? Why would he believe in it enough to get that worked up? Why did he do what he did? That information should subtly be worked in there IMO

BTW, I know what you mean with getting caught up in the story your writing and forgetting to check for errors. I do it too.
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Smee



Joined: 16 Oct 2004
Posts: 5215
Location: UK

Posted: Fri Feb 20, 2009 2:51 pm    Post subject:  

I don't think there's any need for redundancy explaining all the people references... to me, it reminds me of the American Psycho chapters that explain in miniscule detail all the clothing everyone in the room is wearing, with constant mention of various designers and labels that didn't mean anything to me. But it didn't detract from the story, I didn't feel a need to look up all the clothing etc.

No harm, no foul in my opinion.

~

The ear expanders, Purple - it's just a fashion : Picture

~

Rocking the look desperately, just says to me trying almost too much to portray the look. Again, see nothing wrong with that.

~

Quote: Also, having wings doesn't mean your less human. Your just a human with wings.

You know many humans with wings? Sounds more animalistic to me. :?
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Chinaren



Joined: 05 Sep 2005
Posts: 8797
Location: http://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com

Posted: Sat Feb 21, 2009 4:06 am    Post subject:  

I sometimes* wonder about your comments Turple. It seems to me that you know very little about the big wide world.

Even with the 'fantasy' element, this story is (or has been until recently) set in the 'real' world, and hence various references to it, and the mass of stuff within it, are perfectly acceptable, and done all the time in just about every book ever published.

To stop and explain every little thing would destroy the flow of the prose.

As old and haggard as I am**, I still don't get all the references to all the things in all these works***, but I can generally get the reference. It usually only needs a bit of common.

I understood the nose and earrings reference no problem. Perhaps you should do some general knowledge browsing.

Sorry Skitty, this is :off: I'll say no more on this.


*Mostly.
**Not as old as CF though, who, as everyone knows, is ancient.
***Skitty's and just aboout every other book published.
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TruePurple



Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Posts: 256

Posted: Sun Feb 22, 2009 3:05 am    Post subject:  

I was just asking about it, so friggin what if you understood it no problem. And there's alot in this world, so what If I'm not familiar with ear expanders.(btw that picture is freaky, what he's wearing is/looks something like that?) I wasn't saying Scissors should change it, I was just asking.(and yes I did do some light googling first)

Also, the only one who's talked about stopping to explain every little thing is you, Chinaren.

To suggest sometimes adding one or two adjectives or something with the occasional famous person reference would destroy the story flow is absurd. It doesn't need to be every time either, just something to keep in mind, if SC wouldn't mind.

Quote: Rocking the look desperately, just says to me trying almost too much to portray the look. Again, see nothing wrong with that. Wrong with it? Didn't say there was, I just didn't understand it. So I asked. Thank you for the explanation.(well I might prefer less slang of that sort in descriptors, but its not like I asked for that).

Quote: You know many humans with wings? Sounds more animalistic to me.

Well I disagree. Just because she has wings does not mean she should behave any less like a human. The wings are on her back, not in her head. (though there may or may not be other reasons for less human behavior as only the author can tell us)

IMO she shouldn't freak out very long about the wings on her back. Especially being someone who likes strange & unusual things plus she already had the previous experience with the wings too. She should be in wonder at the change of what she knows as reality, but come to terms with it reasonably fast (at least enough not to freak out anyway) George is vastly showing her up at this stage. It wouldn't be the environment that would help her come to terms with it like that either. (it's not like the wings are a threat to her, I'd be freaking over the change of location much much more.)
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Chinaren



Joined: 05 Sep 2005
Posts: 8797
Location: http://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com

Posted: Sun Feb 22, 2009 4:23 am    Post subject:  

TruePurple wrote:
Also, the only one who's talked about stopping to explain every little thing is you, Chinaren.

I am? Gosh, that's most unlike me. I must have been feeling unwell or something.
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scissorkitty



Joined: 04 Mar 2008
Posts: 789
Location: Escaping the Hair Lair

Posted: Sun Feb 22, 2009 9:37 am    Post subject:  

AAAAAANNNND on that note...

BACK TO THE STORY!!!!
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DeadManWalking



Joined: 24 May 2006
Posts: 1005

Posted: Sun Feb 22, 2009 3:19 pm    Post subject:  

GAH teh COLORS!!!!!

*whimper*
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Reiso



Joined: 27 Oct 2004
Posts: 917
Location: Western North America

Posted: Fri Mar 13, 2009 10:30 am    Post subject:  

I'm really liking this scissorkitty, good characters. Their somewhat irreverent nature is well matched by the lighthearted writing, but at the same time there is a realness to them that is quite natural. Most of the time, this kind of character is handled very childishly, but I don't think that's the case here, and I like that, it's as if they have a hidden depth to them that they're just bad at expressing, but still manages to come out anyway in their sincerity.

Also, I don't think it would be going too far to say there is potential here for some very De Lint/Gaiman-like urban fantasy--at least, I am reminded of their work by this.

Keep it up. :D
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