City of IF

BStheGreat · Joined: 01 Jan 2005 Posts: 259

[deleted]

Crunchyfrog · Joined: 12 Dec 2006 Posts: 3875

Oh, an intro, definitely. I rather like the style of narrative. Really shows the eccentricity of the 'scientist'. :)

Guest · Posted: Fri Jul 10, 2009 7:36 am Post subject:

After reading this, I wrote the weirdest story ever *throws away paper*

This isn't a bad start, but it be good if you could clear it up a bit, but other than that I think won't be a bad story, this should be the intro. Jip

PopeAlessandrosXVIII · Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2010 8:22 am Post subject: Kool

Awesome intro. The writeing style is jumpy but not disjointed. Puts me in mind of the thin line between insanity and genius. The obsevations are detatched enough to make it interesting rather than lewd. Again, I love the mind of this guy. Go for the gold dude.

PopeAlessandrosXVIII · Posted: Wed Feb 09, 2011 5:32 pm Post subject: Poke

*Poke* *Poke* We need life here! I want to see mooooore!

BStheGreat · Joined: 01 Jan 2005 Posts: 259

[deleted]

D-Lotus · Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4122 Location: Hollywood, USA

Welcome back, BS!

Interesting to note the narrator's remorse, his awakening to something vague but revealing... and then his choice to elude those preoccupations by reverting to his cruel eccentricities.

I'd say that hypnotizing her to be your lab assistant is by far more enticing than a dead corpse or even sticking a mind-control chip into her brain.

The White Blacksmith · Joined: 02 Apr 2006 Posts: 2629

A mind control chip would be dangerous. A cadaver has very little use once experiments end, and it deteriorates. She would make an unsuitable lab assistant. Hyposis has not been empirically proved. Therefore, the only viable option is psycological experimentation.

Shillelagh · Joined: 11 Mar 2010 Posts: 338 Location: Kansas

...Interesting. My vote would be to try and experiment on Frederick until the narrator decides what, exactly, he wants to do with his cadaver. It seems like there is more potential for conflict there.

PopeAlessandrosXVIII · Posted: Thu May 19, 2011 3:57 pm Post subject: I Think......

Sick and twisted work you have here Great-kun. I comend you! Although repelling it draws one in with the sadistic nature within all of us.

Some work on sentance structure would benifit you greatly, but the message gets accross and it's one of the more....intricately woven charictarization I've seen outside my own writtings(Sorry if that sounds arrogant) in quite some time! Kuddos! The "Me" point of view is hard, but I like the constsnt questioning of ones self. It's vrey accurate and well done.

DP.....Drugs. Find the appropriate drug for the purpose of making her compliant but still compitant.

You can do eet! Keep'em comin'!

Thunderbird · Posted: Thu May 19, 2011 9:45 pm Post subject:

I have not one complaint or crit to offer here. This is artwork at its absolute finest! Perfection in authoring imo. (Ok, one little one - I was unable to assess whether she was actually dead now or not making the dp a bit challenging but the writing all the better as we could grow to a realization of whether she's alive or dead as we go -keeps us reading to wonder)

So from a DP perspective, I say we need to work her from the live side first - go with the implant and if she dies in the process - as you said, all the better.

I had really gotten a more sexual predator concept from the character's thoughts - and with the way he thinks, it wouldn't surprise me if were now attempting to control her mind like a puppet such that he may take full advantage of her at will, yet keeping her alive and incapable of offering complaint.

comedy? Are you serious? I was thinking this would make a great horror tale! (That's the overwhelming vibe I get from this so far and would love to see it continue in that vein.)

BStheGreat · Joined: 01 Jan 2005 Posts: 259

Thunderbird wrote: comedy? Are you serious? I was thinking this would make a great horror tale! (That's the overwhelming vibe I get from this so far and would love to see it continue in that vein.)

Maybe I have a wacked out sense of humor, but I find it to be hilarious. The first part at least, the part about the glasses wasn't meant to be. I feel it is written too lightheartedly to be a horror, and seems to be more of a Clockwork Orange type poke at things.

Emperor · Joined: 02 Nov 2004 Posts: 293 Location: San Diego, CA

Well I've only read the intro, but I wanted to say that I really like the rhythm and nuisance of how the lines fell together. I know I'm not saying much, but I felt the need to let you know.

BStheGreat · Joined: 01 Jan 2005 Posts: 259

PopeAlessandrosXVIII wrote: Some work on sentance structure would benifit you greatly I am a bit curious as to what you mean by this.

On another note, I think there might be too many options in the poll, but I'll how things go.

Thunderbird · Posted: Sat May 21, 2011 11:25 pm Post subject:

Would you mind, terribly, if we leave it in experimental until we have a better sense of its 'genre' then? I rearead and can see it in both lights so far - both humor and horror - which is really... whew. Interesting.

Bookwizard · Joined: 07 Oct 2007 Posts: 639 Location: Gallifrey

I do like the idea of him going to find the mentioned Fredric, it seems to match with the, well, eccentricity of the character. Though it seems like I have further locked up the poll...

Vikas Muralidharan · Joined: 29 Aug 2010 Posts: 518

I missed the suggestion phase :/

Anyway, it was very nicely written.

I really cant see it as a horror SG though... its too *coughs* light for it.

Cremuex Levier · Joined: 31 Jan 2012 Posts: 72 Location: Armidale, Australia

I chose the psychological option, not that I mind the character, whatever his name is (I assume it's a he), going to visit his bully.

I'd just like to know a bit more about the lady since she's appeared in both parts of the story so far. Perhaps she has some special talents. If not, she can always be used to help carry said cadavers (or more likely an unconscious individual such as Fredric), just for the love of your god don't let her wear heels. It's a messy business and you don't want a klutz falling about the place.

I get the feel that this individual is very- proper, you know, well educated and brought up in an upper class family. I find that more comforting then a sexual predator. They certainly have a sociopath/psychopath feel to them since they're so detached.

I'm not sure if these are supposed to be read as notes in a journal or as thoughts for the characters inner mind but well done all the same on the story, it's very well written.

The glasses dream makes it seem all the more casual, like he does it all the time and it's not really a big deal, most people would freak out if they'd kidnapped someone and the kidnapped individual knew who you were.

This bit kind of threw me off though;
Quote: My longing has yet to secede, and if I am to do what must be done than what is such a small trifle on my conscious. Indeed it would please me so, it has been far too long since satisfaction. Yes, I think I will.
I'm not rightly sure if that meant rape or murder, though for some people they're one and the same.

I'll have to keep an eye on this thread though, it certainly is an interesting read even if it is kind of... immoral.