City of IF

HalfEmptyHero

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Thunderbird · Posted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 2:57 pm Post subject:

Wow... I liked this a lot. I'm pretty sure I'm following you... kindof a look forward to the Rapture that may come. What makes me really curious is your reference to 9 digits. I know you'd probably like to hear someone take an accurate and intelligent guess as to what you mean there, but if you would... I'd love an explenation.

HalfEmptyHero · Posted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 6:55 pm Post subject:

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Thunderbird · Posted: Tue Nov 24, 2009 7:05 pm Post subject:

:yeah: duh... of course! Ok, so that was REALLY cool!

As for this most recently posted one... its deep. I sense something profound in its meaning but again... can't seem to solve the riddle...

HalfEmptyHero · Posted: Sat Nov 28, 2009 10:43 pm Post subject:

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Thunderbird · Posted: Sun Nov 29, 2009 9:53 am Post subject:

Now that can apply to so much!

Nicely put HEH!

I'm really enjoying seeing some poetry around IF these days :)

HalfEmptyHero · Posted: Sun May 15, 2011 1:53 pm Post subject:

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Angeal PureHeart · Joined: 15 May 2011 Posts: 70 Location: Escanaba, MI 49829

Very nice Iambic pantamiter! I loved the way it sounds. A few area did not make sence until I read them a couple times through but I got it! :)

D-Lotus · Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA

My favorite is Nine Digits. Reminds me of Tolkien's Nine Rings to rule it all (I'm sure it was an allusion). Personally I am more of a fan of free verse, but I can dig your style. I see that you, like misterbiz, like to use archaic language. Not sure why this is a trend; maybe you could explain it to me.

I notice that you sometimes put commas where they aren't really necessary. I think you are trying to create a rhythm, but I'm not sure commas are the right way. For example:

Quote: Nine digits to show it all,
From whence we came, to where we'll fall,
A subtle chain beneath the eye,
Stays with us after we die.

Maybe you could try:

Nine digits to show it all
From whence we came
To where we'll fall
A subtle chain beneath the eye
Stays with us after we die.

Or just get rid of the comma.

Angeal PureHeart · Joined: 15 May 2011 Posts: 70 Location: Escanaba, MI 49829

Tolkien.... That name sounds so familiar!.......... Wait! was he that guy who wrote the Lord of the Rings series?!

HalfEmptyHero · Posted: Sun May 15, 2011 3:07 pm Post subject:

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PopeAlessandrosXVIII · Posted: Sun May 15, 2011 11:25 pm Post subject: I Think......

I like your poetry. It is deep and invigorating. I expsecialy like the one about the skinned whore *Head whips around* A ghost just walked by....*Shakes head* Never mind me, it's just Agitha, our old lady ghost. My is wishing to sees mroe of your morbid, and facinating works. *Houds out cuped hands* "Please sir, may I have some more?" - Oliver Twist

HalfEmptyHero · Posted: Mon May 16, 2011 3:18 pm Post subject:

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PopeAlessandrosXVIII · Posted: Sun May 22, 2011 2:40 am Post subject: I Think......

Yay! More nice and depressing works! *Claps* Can we have some more?

Thunderbird · Posted: Sun May 22, 2011 9:16 am Post subject:

Thanks for bumping this Pope... just got a chance to read the second one there and it was really really good! I wonder if the gears of war reference was you suggesting you were commenting on my own poem earlier too.

We really look forward to your return in just under a month now HEH!

HalfEmptyHero · Posted: Fri May 27, 2011 7:45 pm Post subject:

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D-Lotus · Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA

Quote: Do dead men sing silent songs
Like whispers in the night?
Forever seeking to be heard,
Do they ever turn out right?

By far the best stanza. It reminds me of the masterwork of Mexican author Juan Rulfo, Pedro Paramo, wherein the main character journeys to a deserted town in which the ghosts of dead men and woman appear to him "like whispers".

This stanza, then, had a provocative and profound metaphor. Unfortunately, I felt as though the rest of the poem didn't follow suit. It petered out into somewhat banal language. It didn't shake me as that first stanza did. Your beginning about whispers was loud, whereas your ending was a weak whisper.

Nonetheless, the read is worthwhile if just for that initial metaphor. Elaborate it and it will be a smashing poem.

By the way, let me know if you want this thread stickied.

HalfEmptyHero · Posted: Fri May 27, 2011 9:23 pm Post subject:

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HalfEmptyHero · Posted: Sun Jun 26, 2011 4:10 pm Post subject:

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HalfEmptyHero · Posted: Mon Jul 04, 2011 10:36 am Post subject:

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Thunderbird · Posted: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:43 pm Post subject:

I'm loving your works here. The one about America... spot on man! Coming from such a polar opposite view on WHAT the problem is at the core seems to not keep us from sharing the exact same concerns and to the same depth and degree. Funny that way ;)

The last one... I struggle to latch on to the ultimate message, wondering if it's intended to be beautiful yet vague, as that's how I take it right now. Still - good works. Thanks for sharing them here HEH! Hope things are going well for you overseas at the moment.

HalfEmptyHero · Posted: Mon Jul 04, 2011 4:16 pm Post subject:

Thunderbird wrote: I'm loving your works here. The one about America... spot on man! Coming from such a polar opposite view on WHAT the problem is at the core seems to not keep us from sharing the exact same concerns and to the same depth and degree. Funny that way ;)

The last one... I struggle to latch on to the ultimate message, wondering if it's intended to be beautiful yet vague, as that's how I take it right now. Still - good works. Thanks for sharing them here HEH! Hope things are going well for you overseas at the moment.

Oh I don't think we have polar opposite views, unless you are some ultra-patriotic pro-government lobbyists or something of that sort. I'm an anarchist. That debate we had before was about assigning blame, not about what the problem is.

I wouldn't say I had planned it to be vague, that's sort of just what came out.

Also, I'm not overseas. I've simply been busy.

Thunderbird · Posted: Mon Jul 04, 2011 4:24 pm Post subject:

HalfEmptyHero wrote: Thunderbird wrote: I'm loving your works here. The one about America... spot on man! Coming from such a polar opposite view on WHAT the problem is at the core seems to not keep us from sharing the exact same concerns and to the same depth and degree. Funny that way ;)

The last one... I struggle to latch on to the ultimate message, wondering if it's intended to be beautiful yet vague, as that's how I take it right now. Still - good works. Thanks for sharing them here HEH! Hope things are going well for you overseas at the moment.

Oh I don't think we have polar opposite views, unless you are some ultra-patriotic pro-government lobbyists or something of that sort. I'm an anarchist. That debate we had before was about assigning blame, not about what the problem is.

I wouldn't say I had planned it to be vague, that's sort of just what came out.

Also, I'm not overseas. I've simply been busy.
Ah... true... point made. Indeed it was about cause, no disagreement on effect. And yeah, I'm a bit of an anarchist myself. At least more of a true democratist if that can be had... so far we do not know how to pull it off is the problem.

And sorry... I thought I recalled you saying you had to go overseas soon. If your not, all the better ;) Stay safe!

HalfEmptyHero · Posted: Sun Sep 25, 2011 8:30 pm Post subject:

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HalfEmptyHero · Posted: Sun Sep 25, 2011 8:34 pm Post subject:

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Thunderbird · Posted: Mon Sep 26, 2011 6:23 pm Post subject:

That was haunting and relatable on a number of layers, inviting the curiosity of what the author had in mind specifically, a good footnote on any poem.

Well done!

HalfEmptyHero · Posted: Wed Sep 28, 2011 7:26 am Post subject:

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HalfEmptyHero · Posted: Wed Sep 28, 2011 7:27 am Post subject:

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HalfEmptyHero · Posted: Wed Sep 28, 2011 7:29 am Post subject:

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Thunderbird · Posted: Sat Oct 01, 2011 12:24 pm Post subject:

Your poetry is really good. It's also very mysteriously vague most of the time. (aka I don't always get what you're aiming for and I'm sure I'm not supposed to... or maybe its just me.) But this last one seems to me to be an issue with one's father that has been so severe that it inspires the son to avoid having a child of his own... Am I anywhere close on that one? If I'm reading it right, I'm thinking its pretty brilliant!

HalfEmptyHero · Posted: Sat Oct 01, 2011 9:17 pm Post subject:

Thunderbird wrote: Your poetry is really good. It's also very mysteriously vague most of the time. (aka I don't always get what you're aiming for and I'm sure I'm not supposed to... or maybe its just me.) But this last one seems to me to be an issue with one's father that has been so severe that it inspires the son to avoid having a child of his own... Am I anywhere close on that one? If I'm reading it right, I'm thinking its pretty brilliant!

I fortunately do not have any father issues, but not that you say that I can see where you got it from. I wrote it thinking about God, but the magical thing about poetry is that it means however you interpret it to mean. On a little side note, I think that was the first poem I ever wrote. I wrote it sometime between the ages of 14 and 17; it popped into my head while I was walking through the halls. I had forgotten about it till now.

I'm glad you like my poetry, I'll continue to post it whenever I write it.

HalfEmptyHero · Posted: Sat Oct 01, 2011 9:23 pm Post subject:

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HalfEmptyHero · Posted: Sun Oct 09, 2011 10:41 am Post subject:

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HalfEmptyHero · Posted: Sun Oct 09, 2011 10:46 am Post subject:

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HalfEmptyHero · Posted: Sun Oct 09, 2011 11:28 am Post subject:

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Thunderbird · Posted: Mon Oct 24, 2011 9:09 am Post subject:

I just realized I never had commented on this... sorry - I had thought I had.

Mainly just wanted to say these two seemed to have more relate-able subject matter and were more enjoyable to read in that fact. Additionally, the imagery was really strong and I just really appreciated them for that.