City of IF

[Shady Stoat]

Nice. I like a story with really powerful characters. And you haven't pulled your punches with the plot for that matter. Right in at the deep end :)

Anyway, my first thoughts are to challenge this man. He's come barging into Lee's grief without any official authentication and he refuses to say what precinct he's from. Lee isn't feeling that cooperative with anyone at the moment, he's not going to react well to someone trying to bully him.

On the other hand, he's angry with Symphony at the moment, for getting under his skin. He might demand some answers of his own. Like who is she and what has she done to get this guy chasing her? He might even be willing to exchange the information he has, if the detective is forthcoming.

Somehow, I doubt he will be.

Good start Emperor. I'm glad I caught this one!

[Crunchyfrog]

Yay! Finally! :cool:

I don't think this is slow at all - it doesn't have to be fast paced if it is written well, and this certainly held my attention. We have strong characters, the loss of a friend, a peculiarly balanced relationship (from Wendy's POV), a mystery female and an agent type guy. Certainly a packed chapter!

In fact my only nit with this chapter is on presentation - while I like the colourscheme, I am finding the text a little too small for comfort and one or two of the paragraphs could do with breaking up a bit more to make it easier on the eyes.

Also, right at the beginning we get a couple of introductory sentences from Leif in first person which is a nice touch; but we go straight into the third person without warning. Perhaps a stronger break such as you have with the other POV breaks would help eliminate the confusion.


But that's minor stuff in what I think is a great start.

For the DP...


Leif's in self destruct mode at the moment, nothing he is doing or chooses to do is going to benefit him in the long run (and probably deep down he knows that) He's drinking himself into oblivion, and ignoring voicemail messages from a good friend.

He doesn't want or need this guy around at the moment, so I think it would be most in-character for him to just get the man off his back for now so he can tip some more whiskey down his throat. And what better to fob him off than with Symphony's note? He was only going to throw it in the waste bin anyway.

I say plead innocence and give the guy the note. It'll have fingerprints and all sorts all over it, so that'll keep him and his agency occupied for a while. Perhaps throw a few random accusations in for good measure, to make sure the guy goes off on Symphony's trail, and more importantly, gets out of his hair.

I have a feeling that if Leif hands over the note, all sorts of interesting things might start to happen - not all of them very pleasant! Judging by the very first line of this chapter, neither Leif nor Symphony are in for an easy time ahead.

Looking forward to seeing where this one goes!

[Smee]

I tried to save this until this afternoon, as they tend to drag. But I only managed a whole two hours at work before I was drawn to it.

An excellent introduction, revealing deep alive characters, I really enjoyed reading it.

~

As expected, from either yourself or Reiso, despite a lengthy chapter there's little to mention :

Quote: anyone who was outside of that bond the tree of them shared. Little typo here.

Quote: The three of them not only knew all these things about each other and instead This part sounded odd to me. The 'not only' implies a 'but' later in the sentence, possibly followed by an 'also', yet it doesn't appear. Removing the 'not only' also works.

There were a couple of other oddities too, but nothing major.

~

Decision point then, and whilst it's tempting to fall back on my American sterotyping and suggest we start loudly exclaiming that we know our rights, that's probably overkill at this stage.

Lee (as a player helping dictate his actions I reserve the right to call him that ;) ) does seem capable of assertion, especially if there's some remnant of that earlier anger on a slow burn inside. Repeat the question as to the detective's precinct, and if necessary demand to see the ID badge more clearly.

If there's something fishy about this guy, we don't tell him any more than we have already.

Let's also cast a casual eye around for a nearby weapon to dive for if the situation forces it - perhaps one of the empty bottles from last night, or maybe a lamp on a nearby small table.

Happy Writing :)

[Smee]

*spies a Crunchy comment*

Hmmm I'm not so sure he'd be so willing to hand over the note. Appeasing folk, even friends, and apparently kind strangers who looked after him all night, isn't top of his agenda right now. He's burning bridges left, right and centre.

I don't think he'll be giving this 'cop' what he wants - which depending on how mean this guy is, could end up being the most self-destructive thing Lee ends up (not) doing.

[Emperor]

Great suggestions guys, keep 'em coming!

#1) Thanks for the praise, it is appreciated

#2) Great eye Smee, I must have gone over the document at least 4 times if not more and I still didn't see those. I will attempt to fix them.

#3) Thanks for the insight Crunchy and as you pointed out I have always had trouble with point of view shift in the beginning. The intention was to make it apparent that someone else was reading that part and then shifting into "real time" as we go into Leif's world. Do you think a few extra return strokes would fix that?

#4) Probably a self evident and stupid question but I can edit and tweak even though its officially posted now, right?

#5) FYI, I'll probably give it till the end of this week before I poll.

[Crunchyfrog]

Hey Emperor,

It is obvious from the chapter that the POV shift was deliberate; it's a cool way to introduce us to Leif's 'voice', and a great introduction to the first scene.

A few return strokes would do it, or else perhaps put those first couple of sentences in itallics - (itallics is something I would do if it were me, its good for showing a characters thoughts or words)

Yes you can go ahead and edit your chapter even after its been replied to. Just let your readers know if you've made any extensive changes that might affect the way they play your storygame. :cool:

[Emperor]

So things I fixed.

Font size (hope its not too big)

Making the inital point of view change stand out a little more

Breaking up the "Wendy" passage into smaller paragraphs

Fixing the two odd sentences that Smee pointed out, as well as a few more that I saw.


So Crunchy, too big on the font?
Smee, was there anything else that stood out to you on the odd sentences?

On a side note to those who are reading this now and any future ones, I am open to criticism and critiques. I may not always apply them, but I will consider them all.

[Thunderbird]

I'm liking the character depth you've begun with. Some of the 'dissertation' moments were a little dragging but I followed them along easily nevertheless and I could relate to just about everything said. Its important to try to keep the scene 'moving' with some action while weaving in notes on the character dynamics.

As for the DP, definately don't give the note. Why make the detective's job any easier? But now we know to value the thing somewhat. As a courtesy, perhaps to make up for being a hungover ass, maybe he can return it to her with the warning that the detective was poking around.

Try, in the meantime, to figure out what the detective is looking into. Usually, even in homicide cases, they would be willing to clearly state their intent, so its a bit odd that he isn't saying. If he can't get any info on it, maybe there's something in the news that might help him to figure it out? Or maybe he can just ask Symphony when he gives her back the note.

[Emperor]

At the risk of making myself out to be an even bigger donkeys behind, what do you mean by the "dissertation" moments?

[Thunderbird]

Well... Quote: As close as she was to Lee she would never be as close to him as the other two Musketeers, in their loose circle of friends she was seen as the girl who was on the inside of their tight knit trio. Though, in all reality she was more like the interpreter to everyone else. A liaison and diplomat to anyone who was outside of that bond the three of them shared. It was not as if Wendy was not a close friend to the three of them, it was not as if the three of them did not care about her or treat her as an outsider. The simple fact was that, their bond was so tight with each other that anyone else couldn’t help being an outsider. When she was around them she felt more like the fourth side to a triangle, or the fourth wheel on a tricycle.

Their close bond transformed her relationship with the three of them as not something extra and unnecessary but by adding to it made it into something completely different. Wendy could understand why so many people were envious of the friendship the three of them shared, it was something that couldn’t be tainted, couldn’t be tested and couldn’t be broken. There were even times then Wendy herself couldn’t help but feel the slight tint of jealousy, for she couldn’t think of a single person that she knew who wouldn’t want a friend who knew them for everything that they were. They knew each other’s secrets, flaws, all the little untidy bits that we as humans tend to try to keep to ourselves so that no one else could see them. They knew all these things about each other and instead of trying to fix them they just simply accepted them. Instead they chose to let time and life fix it on its own, knowing full well that in the meantime they always had each other to fall back on.

Like this. If you could weave in some current, ongoing activity into this to break it up some, it would be far more digestable. This is just a suggestion... something I've read a little about along the way.

[Reiso]

Well you already know how much I like the writing, so let's talk DP. It probably wouldn't move the story along that well to have him try various ways of proving the guy is official, but as boring as it sounds, I know what I would do is call the local PD and try to corroborate that a man with some authority was supposed to be talking to me. Or at least check and see if there even IS a detective Tetra.

Other options; give him a fake name, or claim not to know it and hope he goes away... tell him to come back with a warrant and slam the door on his face... start muttering absolute gibberish in the hopes he will find you totally useless as any kind of reliable source of information... Do the hustle until he loses interest, refusing to answer or otherwise acknowledge his inquiries with anything but 'doot-doot-doot, duh-doo, duh-doo, doot-doot, doot-doot-doot, duh-doo, duh-doo, doot-doot, doot-doot-doot, duh-doo, duh-doo, doot-doot, doot-doot-doot, duh-doo, duh-do the hustle!'

There. I'm out.

:D

[Tikanni Corazon]

I think he should tell the detective to get lost, that is if he is a real detective. Despite being angry with Symphony, he is well aware that she was probably telling the truth about the night before, so he at least owes her for that. He owes this guy nothing. So that should put Symphony at an advantage. Mabye threaten to call the police. That would be a good way to find out if he is a real detective or not.

[Crunchyfrog]

Emperor wrote:
So Crunchy, too big on the font?


Well, having just come back from the opticians and being told I need new glasses I may not be the best person to ask, haha! But it is nice and easy to read now, certainly much easier than before.

I see you used 16 pt - this is bigger than what some of the others use - I use 14 pt. :)

And the itallic intro looks great - has just the right effect, IMO. :tu:

[Emperor]

Thunderbird wrote: Well... Quote: As close as she was to Lee she would never be as close to him as the other two Musketeers, in their loose circle of friends she was seen as the girl who was on the inside of their tight knit trio. Though, in all reality she was more like the interpreter to everyone else. A liaison and diplomat to anyone who was outside of that bond the three of them shared. It was not as if Wendy was not a close friend to the three of them, it was not as if the three of them did not care about her or treat her as an outsider. The simple fact was that, their bond was so tight with each other that anyone else couldn’t help being an outsider. When she was around them she felt more like the fourth side to a triangle, or the fourth wheel on a tricycle.

Their close bond transformed her relationship with the three of them as not something extra and unnecessary but by adding to it made it into something completely different. Wendy could understand why so many people were envious of the friendship the three of them shared, it was something that couldn’t be tainted, couldn’t be tested and couldn’t be broken. There were even times then Wendy herself couldn’t help but feel the slight tint of jealousy, for she couldn’t think of a single person that she knew who wouldn’t want a friend who knew them for everything that they were. They knew each other’s secrets, flaws, all the little untidy bits that we as humans tend to try to keep to ourselves so that no one else could see them. They knew all these things about each other and instead of trying to fix them they just simply accepted them. Instead they chose to let time and life fix it on its own, knowing full well that in the meantime they always had each other to fall back on.

Like this. If you could weave in some current, ongoing activity into this to break it up some, it would be far more digestable. This is just a suggestion... something I've read a little about along the way.


I can see what you are getting at and every day since you put up this example it has been nagging me. I keep looking at it wanting to break it up with things like some habitual quirk such as fiddling with her hair. But every time I do so it seems to me a little forced and breaks up the flow of the thought process she is having, as monotonous as it is. I think at the time I originally wrote it there was some part of me that was hoping that the reader would be interested in what has sent him down the path Leif is on. So this is the first of maybe two more scenes in the future where the friendship of Leif, Kelly and Stephen is highlighted. ---- I'm wandering ----- I will keep a look out for this in the future and hopefully I will be able to fix them, I hope its more of a bad habit thing and not a natural writing style thing. As for the excerpt at hand, I'm having a hard time figuring out how to fix it without it seeming forced.

[Thunderbird]

I wouldn't stress over it E... the chapter was a good one neveretheless and its always hard to work in some of the backstory issues seamlessly.

I myself had some trouble in my first chapter along the same lines concerning dialogue. I need to someday go back and inject some narrative descriptions to break up what ended up being a very long string of dialogue with little to give it pause. This was just some advice I got from a great book on writing that I figured I'd share.

The good news is, I don't think it's terribly critical to be adjusted. It didn't stop me from reading on, and I doubt it would stop anyone else. And, as I said, it was some very relatable stuff there. My own group of friends during high school seemed much like this in many regards.

I think, for storygame authors, whats more important than the critical analysis of our writing styles is that we keep plugging out chapters reliably. All of us here understand that what we're reading is little more than an initial draft copy, and will, no matter how good it may be, require some adjusting and editing, perhaps even outright re-writing, before it may end up becoming a novel of any sort. That makes this a noteworthily excellent environment for practice. That fact has helped me out enormously and its worth keeping in mind as you write your sg.

[Emperor]

Can't help it I guess, perfectionist in me. Thanks for all the input, I appreciate it. I'm still gonna be looking at that passing thinking how I can put something in there. :-o :lol: :sad: :grin:

[Emperor]

Poll to be coming today or tomorrow.

[Reiso]

Hmm, my choice is clearly not the popular one, but oh well. I think it's most realistic for his nature and current state of mind.

[Emperor]

Hey ya Spaceponi,

Welcome to the City finally, its good to see you name and your vote. :D Too bad you waited this long to register and missed TAS.

[Emperor]

Think I'm gonna have to give a quick apology to those who are reading this, another slow chapter is coming your way. Hard to try to build this, know where it has gone and where I want it to go and yet have something happen in it interesting enough to get a DP in. And speaking of the DP, another apology for not giving something more substantial to work with, I can only hope that the future promise of "It's gonna pick up" will keep you here and keep you reading.

[Crunchyfrog]

Well I got my new glasses and - whoaa, size 20 font! :D I think the 16 that you had for the last chapter, or even 14 might be a better size. Also it's a good idea to edit the title of this thread to indicate that it's now on Chapter 2. :)

For the chapter, I have to admit I did feel a little lost, reading through. I think this may just be down to the way the scenes were presented, as if you were just telling us facts. For example, I didn't feel Wendy's revulsion at the scene she just witnessed. I wasn't privvy to her thought processes so I couldn't share her incredulity at the sight of the injuries - looking more like some animal had ripped their throats out than being crushed in a car accident. I didn't get the significance of the red sand, because I didn't get to share her experience at the roadside - and had no idea what the surrounding area was like. I think you can make this section far more gripping by letting us re-live it with Wendy.

You have three very intriguing elements introduced in this chapter, well, four, actually.

You have introduced Ignacio and this mysterious client he and Kumanda are making the sword for. You have Wendy's experience at the road traffic accident, and finally Leif's dream-sequence and Symphony's inexplicable appearance in his apartment while he was asleep.

All shaping up to a mysterious plot - although at the moment very disconnected with each other.



For the DP: What does Wendy do? Surely she was not alone in dealing with the carnage, but her well-trained colleagues who were at the scene must have also noticed and commented on the strangeness of the victims injuries and the seemingly random way they'd all decided just to walk across the motorway to get mown down? Wouldn't her colleagues at least be feeling the same way as she does right now? All I can think of maybe is find out if any autopsy is being performed on any of them.

What does Leif do? I expect he's not even sure if he's still dreaming or not. He can't go and find Symphony, he doesn't know where she is. He's got her number from the first note, and he has got Tetra's number.

He doesn't trust Tetra, and Symphony is being rather weird at the moment. This, plus the strange dream he just had might just get him to wake up and try and find some stable help. So I think he will call Wendy.

[Emperor]

Thank you for the insight Crunchy, I was debating on whether or not to put Wendy in the sight of the accident or dealing with the aftermath. Perhaps I'll rewrite that entire thing. Sorry about the size 20 font, I'm having some technical issues I'm still trying to work out.

As for the disjointedness... there not much excuse I can give for that. I think the biggest area is my writers rust. The only other thing I can say is that I think I'm looking at it from the prospective of the story already told and not a story that I'm telling. This is probably mostly due to large parts of this story already exists in a very rough draft form. I may need to reevaluate how I'm going to approach this.

I wasn't sure if I should have posted this chapter as an entirely new topic, to I just put it on the end of Chapter 1. What is the normal procedure?

Lastly think I should take this Chapter down while I work on these things, or leave it up as is and just repost any changed version I might come up with?

[Crunchyfrog]

Quote: As for the disjointedness... there not much excuse I can give for that. I think the biggest area is my writers rust. The only other thing I can say is that I think I'm looking at it from the prospective of the story already told and not a story that I'm telling. This is probably mostly due to large parts of this story already exists in a very rough draft form. I may need to reevaluate how I'm going to approach this.

One trick of storygame writing is to plant seeds for DP suggestions. We already know Wendy's background, and showing the horror and weirdness of what she's seen may perhaps be more important now than having her deduce it based on her past experiences. Especially as you are presenting it in the same chapter as Leif's dream and Ignacio's sword. These are things for people to grab hold of and work with.

When I suggested for Leif's DP to call Wendy, it was a last minute realisation; I had almost forgotten the number of times she'd been trying to call him because they're such close friends and she's worried about him. In a Storygame, you're presenting the tale in instalments that are weeks apart, and some details can easily be forgotten in that time. I think its important to weave the crucial stuff into the current chapter where you can to keep the players minds focused. It gets trickier as time goes on, and some of us use a synopsis to jog memories once we're a few chapters in.

Quote: I wasn't sure if I should have posted this chapter as an entirely new topic, to I just put it on the end of Chapter 1. What is the normal procedure?

You did the right thing by posting it on the end of Chapter 1. Now you've posted your new chapter, go back to your first post and hit the 'edit' button. Then you can edit the topic title to say 'Symphony's Requiem, Chapter 2'. That will alert people that the second chapter has gone up. This is especially important for you because Symphony's Requiem is showing on the main forum index as one of the top 5 favorite Storygames.

Quote: Lastly think I should take this Chapter down while I work on these things, or leave it up as is and just repost any changed version I might come up with?

As long as your re-write won't affect the DP plot-wise, I'd just leave the original up there and make it very clear you're going to update it with a revised version very soon. People can then either play it as it is now or wait until you've made the edits.

Plus, you still have the opportunity of receiving feedback while you're working on the revised version. Make sure you announce when you've edited your chapter with your changes though; for anyone who wants to read through it again. Comparing and contrasting the feedback on both I find is very useful. I did this on my most recent chapter.

But as Thunderbird says, don't stress about making it absolutely publish-perfect.


Hope this helps. ;)

[Smee]

Hey Emperor,

Ooh I liked the dream... some kind of pact with the devil, guardian angel kinda of things seems to be going on. Definitely intriguing. :shock:

I wasn't quite as disconnected from the Wendy scene as Crunchy was, but I too wasn't particularly moved by the red sand part... that definitely lacked some punch.

I spotted an unusual quantity of odd sentences in this chapter, compared with the first :

Quote: He watched as his friend and business partner Kumanda bring the piece of steel to his anvil. Brought?

Quote: Ignacio didn't think it matter if his friend spoke perfect English. Mattered? Should matter?

Quote: would laugh behind their eyes when Kumanda would go into the depth of rebuild a Cérdcha for traditional Irish weaponry. Would go to the lengths of rebuilding?

Quote: “Well the at least he didn’t want the whole thing coated.” Ignacio said Don't think the red word needs to be there at all.

Quote: it was more a matter of tending to other poor motorist who had gotten into their own minor accidents Plural for motorist?

Quote: he tipped the front of up and tapped the sole of her shoe with her other hand. Something went weird after front.

Quote: made him imagine that when they moved they lurched and slithered and drug. And drug? Did you mean dragged?

~

Decision point wise, I think a call to Wendy is a good idea for Leif. He's feeling a bit better after waking, but a little stability from a friend would be welcome I believe. Being able to talk though the mystery of the broken wood and stuff may help him too.

Wendy, I'm not too sure. Heading home for a good long bath sounds good - soak away her concerns, and wash away any last traces of the red sand.

I look forward to more.

Happy Writing :)

[Shady Stoat]

I read this chapter over Christmas, but unfortunately didn't get a chance to reply until now.

Good story so far. I'm not finding it confusing apart from maybe the bit about the swordsmith in the middle, and I believe that's supposed to be nothing more than a taster right now so I can live with that.

Let's see. Lief has had a hallucination - or not. I'm sure he'll spend a few hours pacing, trying to figure out the whole thing, put some sort of logical slant on it, or dismiss it as not real. When he can't do either, he'll need to talk to someone about it.

But when you've ignored someone for as long as he's ignored Wendy, it's really hard to get on the phone to them. And I don't think he'll want to add the complications of his grief to this current mystery, which is really gonna happen if he phones up his friend.

More likely he's going to keep looking at Symphony's number and wondering whether to dial that or not. I think, eventually, he will, just to figure out what the hell's going on.

Wendy is more tricky. If she really can't let this go, does she have any friends or co-workers in the morgue? Can she get another look at some of the bodies, without going through loads of red tape and officialdom? I think she might do something like that, just to try and get to the bottom of what's bothering her so much. Or, if not the morgue, someone, maybe a doctor, who was more closely involved with the accident and knew more about it than she does.

[Emperor]

Shady Stoat wrote: I read this chapter over Christmas, but unfortunately didn't get a chance to reply until now.

Good story so far. I'm not finding it confusing apart from maybe the bit about the swordsmith in the middle, and I believe that's supposed to be nothing more than a taster right now so I can live with that.

Thanks again for the support and your continued readership!! :D :D

And your right about that scene with Ignacio, it was just a simple "Hi, my name is Ignacio - you'll see me later in the story." type thing. Alas I think Kumanda came through a little stronger if your are referencing it as the "swordsmith bit" because Ignacio is an artist. Perhaps something to go back and tweak.

[Smee]

Didn't have a source... it's just how I know it... but the dictionary.com definition has dragged as the past tense.

A little more research bought this up from 'Wiktionary'

Quote: Verb
drug
(Southern US) Simple past tense and past participle of drag.
You look like someone drug you behind a horse for half a mile."

Usage notes
Random House says that drug is "nonstandard" as the past tense of drag. Merriam-Webster once ruled that drug in this construction was "illiterate" but have since upgraded it to "dialect".

Seems it's an American thing, so I guess it's fine. :P

[Emperor]

Smee wrote: Didn't have a source... it's just how I know it... but the dictionary.com definition has dragged as the past tense.

A little more research bought this up from 'Wiktionary'

Quote: Verb
drug
(Southern US) Simple past tense and past participle of drag.
You look like someone drug you behind a horse for half a mile."

Usage notes
Random House says that drug is "nonstandard" as the past tense of drag. Merriam-Webster once ruled that drug in this construction was "illiterate" but have since upgraded it to "dialect".

Seems it's an American thing, so I guess it's fine. :P


I actually hated using "drug", it just seemed wrong to me, but at the time when I used "dragged" I kept getting an incorrect usage thing. So when I looked it up the only thing I could find was "drug", now that I have your reference I'm going with that because that's the way I thought it should be anyways.

[Thunderbird]

As my first read since my unofficial break from the site, you seem to be the lucky one to get my limited time and attention here. ;)

I can accept the 'rusty' explenation... I know how that goes, but some of the sentences had words out of order even so that made some of it jarring and forced my mind to derail a few times.

As for the tale, well, aside from being a little murky at this point, it feels like its headed in some interesting directions (hoping not into lycanthropy...).

Wendy... should try to do some research online regarding similar injuries/instances. It'd be the first thing I'D do.

Leif... shake it off and evaluate his priorities. If some strange things are going on then maybe just waiting to see how it all pans out might be the best thing for him to do. He's been presented as someone who isn't in the mood to care anyhow.

[Emperor]

Thunderbird wrote: As my first read since my unofficial break from the site, you seem to be the lucky one to get my limited time and attention here. ;)

I can accept the 'rusty' explenation... I know how that goes, but some of the sentences had words out of order even so that made some of it jarring and forced my mind to derail a few times.

Thank you for your time, readership and input Thunderbird it is appreciated. I can only apologize for the editing on my part, I think that when I go over to edit my mind is filling in the sentences rather than me actually reading them word for word. I will try harder to catch these things.

[Emperor]

So hopefully I fixed the sentences that you pointed out to me properly.

With the time, patience and help from Reiso I fixed ( or rather Reiso fixed ) the styling and font issues.

There are some very minor additions and edits whose specifics are not worth mentioning.

Please bear in mind that there still might be a whole rewrite of Wendy's scene.

[Reiso]

I like the new color for the spacers, Excellency, much better than that green you were considering. It has been a while since I first read the original draft of this, so I am having a hard time spotting any changes, but I know I like it.

I have realized something though; having read it before, I'm not sure I can effectively make DP suggestions. I would most likely end up parroting other players, spouting out useless gibberish like dancing the Hustle, or subconsciously suggest what has already happened in the first draft, which defeats the purpose of making it a SG. So I think I will only comment on the writing itself from now on and vote on the suggestions the others make to prevent it being skewed by that bias. Maybe once the story changes significantly enough from the original one I will feel more comfortable suggesting DPs again.

Anyway, still loving it. Detective Tetra is still one of your best characters and I hope to see a lot more of him.

:D

[Emperor]

Reiso wrote: I like the new color for the spacers, Excellency, much better than that green you were considering. It has been a while since I first read the original draft of this, so I am having a hard time spotting any changes, but I know I like it.

I have realized something though; having read it before, I'm not sure I can effectively make DP suggestions. I would most likely end up parroting other players, spouting out useless gibberish like dancing the Hustle, or subconsciously suggest what has already happened in the first draft, which defeats the purpose of making it a SG. So I think I will only comment on the writing itself from now on and vote on the suggestions the others make to prevent it being skewed by that bias. Maybe once the story changes significantly enough from the original one I will feel more comfortable suggesting DPs again.

Anyway, still loving it. Detective Tetra is still one of your best characters and I hope to see a lot more of him.

:D

I must have tested 20 colors and still I was undecided even as I committed to that one. Still though I like the silvery blue or is it bluish silver in this case.

I totally understand not wanting to suggest DP's, it makes sense. As always I appreciate your input whatever it may be - there is a reason why your the I.A..

[Spaceponi]

I like how Leif wakes up and sees that he is clean shaven and clothed and thinks he's been robbed!

[Crunchyfrog]

Congratulations on your new forum! :D

[Reiso]

Yes Excellency, many congratulations on your victory. The new forum is starting to look nice--now all you have to worry about is all that pressure.

...Feeling it yet?

:D

[Emperor]

Indeed, between the pressure of the SG, Ashton stuff, Falcons and Fate, music stuff and then just every day life - I'm beginning to feel like a piece of cole, caught between two mountains, trying to fight off the inevitable transformation of being turned into a diamond. Hooray?

[Emperor]

Big, big, big, THANK YOU to Crunchy for the image and all her help!!!!!!!

[Crunchyfrog]

:blush: 'tis a pleasure. Excellent SG. :)

[Emperor]

Just a heads up to anyone interested, the polls will officially be running till over the weekend before I start work on the next chapter. I may leave it up while I'm writing/rewriting but if you want to make sure your vote counts get them in soon.