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Shillelagh



Joined: 11 Mar 2010
Posts: 398
Location: Kansas

Posted: Sun Apr 04, 2010 12:56 am    Post subject:  

It's a bit more verbose than I would have liked... but the exposition has to happen sometime. And I can't quite justify glossing over this decision point- it really will make a huge impact on the story, and it's not fair for me to make the decision for Isaac by myself.

Tempora Crepusculi - Chapter Three

“I guess I’ll send Tony a text message,” Isaac said aloud. Tony was usually bad about prompt replies, so Isaac was shocked when Tony responded to the text with a phone call.

“Hey, Tony, what’s up?”

“Isaac, where are you right now?”

“Why, I’m doing just fine, thanks for asking.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” replied Tony, dismissing the unspoken insult. “You know that I’m the one talking, and I really don’t have time for pointless chatter. Are you alone, by any chance?”

“Umm, no. I’m getting lunch, and then I’m heading back to the dorms. Why?”

“And I’m assuming your roommate will be there?”

“What, Ben?” said Isaac. “Yeah, the dude never leaves the room unless it’s a holiday. You know that. Why? You’re being really weird right now, Tony. I can only handle so much surreal crap in one day.”

“So you’ve witness other surreal things today?” asked Tony.

“What? I… look,” said Isaac. “You’re the one who wanted to contact me. I have no desire to talk to you, especially if you’re just going to be weird.”

“…Alright, fine. I understand how weird this must seem from your point of view. But there’s only so much I can tell you right now. I can’t risk this. By the time you have the chance to be alone, I’m going to be at work. I’ll get off around 10:30… can you meet me at the park downtown?”

“Tony… you’re seriously creeping me out here.”

“I’m sorry, Isaac. Especially if I’m wrong about this. But if the image of a demon throwing a wolf means anything to you, I have to talk to you in person.”

“How did you!? You weren’t even… Tony! Tony!?”

There was no reply.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Isaac found Tony standing in the middle of a cluster of oaks. “Sorry if I’m late,” he said, noticing Tony’s worried face. “I assumed I’d be meeting you at the main sign, or at the gazebo, or something.”

“Right, sorry,” replied Tony, sighing. “It hadn’t occurred to me that you wouldn’t know to meet me here. My fault. I’m not exactly thinking straight. You have to understand, Isaac, that this whole thing is practically unheard of. Any information we have about cracked crystals is entirely theoretical.”

“Hang on,” said Isaac. “I thought you said we couldn’t talk about this in public. Suddenly the city park is okay? I know it’s nighttime and all, but…”

“Just trust me when I say this place is safe. We’ve still got over an hour, but the each nexus slowly builds power until midnight. The Grove will… ahh, I think I’m going out of order. The Grove is the nexus of the fey, and the nexus of the demons is… well, they call it Pandaemonium. Any supernatural being who has a mortal tether will arrive at their respective nexi during the Crep, the Crepusculum.”

“The Crepusculum being the Occurrence,” observed Isaac. “What do you mean by mortal tether?”

“Mortal tether is the archaic term for having what you would consider an old life,” said Tony. “The reason we get ‘ported by the nexus is the same reason everyone else gets put into a crystal. Even the slightest bit of movement outside of time would give everything away. It’d be hard to explain myself if I suddenly appeared five feet to your left, without ever having moved.”

“What about objects, then? Metos trashed up the bar pretty good. And he killed Alex, except that didn’t actually happen.”

“That’s a bit more complex,” replied Tony, with a sigh. “Objects don’t have a soul, so they’re easier to manipulate with magic. Thus, they are restored to a pre-Crep state regardless of what happened. Same with anything in a crystal. There’s a loophole here, but we’ll get to that later. If every object was locked into the place during the Crep, it would be a disaster. Mostly doors, but there are other things you don’t think about. That was one of the first things Speravi fixed.”

“What do you mean, fixed?” asked Isaac, raising an eyebrow.

“The Crep isn’t natural,” said Tony, kicking the dirt with his foot. “Humanity used to coexist with the supernatural. We… they… well, anyway, the humans didn’t fare too well. The supernatural weren’t as powerful back then, but even limited magic is an overpowering advantage. And the few who were powerful… well, Speravi and some of the other elder fey created the Crepusculum. The two… races, for want of a better word, were torn from coexistence- when time flows for one, it ceases for the other. And by making the Crepusculum a short amount of time… well, I don’t think they had enough power to do it any other way. But a side result was that it made all of the supernatural beings more powerful, for better or for worse.”

“What, is there some sort of time versus magic concentration ratio?” scoffed Isaac.

“Think of it that way if you need to,” said Tony, with a shrug. “I don’t know why it works out like that, but it does. Humanity was saved from the harmful influence of the demons, in exchange for removing the beneficial influence of the fey. Except that they didn’t plan for the effect it would have on half-breeds. They’ve been trying to tweak the problems ever since, but new ones keep popping up. We meant well, but we messed up big time.”

“Can’t you just reverse it? Unmake the Crep, somehow?”

Tony shook his head. “It’s no longer that simple. There’s no word to express the cost it took to alter the world like this. For one, it takes a lot of power. The fey used to control all of the nexi over the world, but now it’s a near split between the fey and the demons. We were too weak to defend all of them after making the Crep. For another, there’s no telling what it would do to the half-breeds, or the supernaturals that only exist during the Crep. Also the lycanthropes,” he added, with a shrug.

“Wait, shouldn’t a werewolf be either a fey or a demon?”

Tony laughed. “Most of what you know about lycanthropes- all of that popular culture stuff is just propaganda that’s leaked over into the other world. Don’t believe a word of it. The transformations don’t work like that, and their bite is not even remotely contagious. But that’s an entirely different issue. I probably shouldn’t have even mentioned it.”

“Fine,” said Isaac. “Then let’s address something a bit more simple. Who are you, really? How do you know all this, and how did you know what happened to me last night?”

“I’m surprised you haven’t figured it out yet,” replied Tony, laughing. “Which is a shame, because my oath prevents me from telling you. You’ll find out in an hour, though, I think.”

“What do you mean, ‘you think?’”

“Well, we’ve never had a chance to study a cracked crystal before,” said Tony. “Neither demon and fey have the ability to break crystals. If we did, there’d be no point in making the Crep. The whole point is to prevent us from affecting humanity. Some spells work through the crystals, but those get reversed when it’s over. And the lycanthropes… well, they’re a bit all or nothing.

“This is what I do know,” said Tony, focusing his thoughts. “If you are here in the Grove at midnight, we’ll make you a full-fledged fey. You and all your children will become half-fey, but you’ll also be freed from the amethyst crystals. If you want to forget everything… well, stand over there by that sign, and someone will restore the crystal. I can’t say that none of this will have ever happened, but it should be close enough. You’ll probably think me a crazy drunk or something.”

“What, that’s it? Hey, guess what, we have a secret magical society, so are you in or out? Did I stumble into a Matrix movie? Should I ask Keanu for some advice on pills?”

“I’m sorry, dude. I really am. But I don’t think anything else I say will make a difference. If you were really meant to be a fey, you probably already know what your decision is. You can feel it inside you. Now you just need to rationalize it.”

The next Crepusculum is in an hour. Where will you make your stand?
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Tikanni Corazon



Joined: 25 Oct 2009
Posts: 1286
Location: Running through the plains of my mind, my wolf spirit at my side (but doing so in the UK!).

Posted: Sun Apr 04, 2010 9:30 am    Post subject:  

Another good chapter, Shille! :)

I will most likely say that Isaac should stay in The Grove, and become one of the Fey.

But what will happen if he goes wandering off? I realise that it would be dangerous, but I would still be interested to know. Will his crystal still be restored, no matter where he is, or will he be allowed to go where he pleases? What would happen if he was to go to, say, Pandaemonium, instead of staying at The Grove? ;)

Lookin' forward to chapter four!
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D-Lotus



Joined: 21 Oct 2004
Posts: 4123
Location: Hollywood, USA

Posted: Sun Apr 04, 2010 11:38 am    Post subject:  

Quote: but the each nexus slowly builds power until midnight

Not your best chapter, Shille. I didn't get the impression of reading a story, but rather I felt like I was reading a pamphlet. It was very dull-- you simply shoved a lot of information in our face. I know you are capable of being much more subtle than that, so I was a bit disappointed. You need to show, not tell. I hate being so tough, but I think you lost your way a little bit with this chapter; it was yeastless factuality... totally lacking in imagination.

The DP, on the other hand, is actually good. I think it would be interesting if Isaac chose to be both human AND fey. It is possible after all. Tony, apparently, is both human and fey. At least he has the liberty to walk about in both worlds. The problem is that Tony is unlikely to help Isaac because of his oath. Nonetheless, I think Isaac should at least press Tony for an alternative before he makes a decision.
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Shillelagh



Joined: 11 Mar 2010
Posts: 398
Location: Kansas

Posted: Sun Apr 04, 2010 11:51 am    Post subject:  

Shillelagh wrote: It's a bit more verbose than I would have liked... but the exposition has to happen sometime. And I can't quite justify glossing over this decision point- it really will make a huge impact on the story, and it's not fair for me to make the decision for Isaac by myself.

I quite agree with your judgement, D. But Tony needs to speak sometime. I could have put in more action, but it would require me to skip past this DP. I would rather have a slow bit- especially since I would like to think that, while it is a huge block of text, it is at least an interesting block of text. And, hopefully, that should be the last of the heavy exposition for some time. I was running into road blocks trying to figure out how to get the info across in a better fashion. It's over and done- now I can move on.

Tikanni Corazon wrote: But what will happen if he goes wandering off? I realise that it would be dangerous, but I would still be interested to know. Will his crystal still be restored, no matter where he is, or will he be allowed to go where he pleases? What would happen if he was to go to, say, Pandaemonium, instead of staying at The Grove?

This is why I couldn't quite justify glossing over the DP. Tony wants you to stand either in the grove of trees, or by the park sign. If you stand anywhere else, who knows what will happen? Do you even know where Pandaemonium is located?
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Crunchyfrog



Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Posts: 3998

Posted: Sun Apr 04, 2010 1:08 pm    Post subject:  

Shillelagh wrote: I quite agree with your judgement, D. But Tony needs to speak sometime. I could have put in more action, but it would require me to skip past this DP


The chapter as we have it at the moment is Tony providing infodump guided by some very weak and uncharactaristic questions from Isaac. But changing the focus of that infodump can turn this chapter into something very powerful indeed, and add even more emphasis to the DP.

Although the information was required for this chapter and for the DP, and that the only way it could be delivered was through dialogue from Tony, you don't actually need any action to turn it into a powerful revelation.

Tony is very excited and agitated, because Isaac's crystal has cracked. This is apparently unheard of or impossible, and it casts questions over Isaac's supernatural status. He is confused - he tells Isaac that if he stands over here, they'll make him into a fully fledged Fey. But then he says that he and his children will be half-breeds - and then as we reach the DP, he says 'if you were really meant to be a fey' - which indicates he doesn't really know.

Isaac is confused. He has discovered the universe of the Crepusculum for the first time and is trying to make sense of it in the context of his own universe. The two characters are drawn together by that very phenomenon - the crack in the crystal.

My first questions wouldn't be 'why are we talking about this in public? Do you mean the Crepusculum is the Occurrence? What is a mortal tether?' it would be - 'Why did my crystal crack? How come I suddenly remember all this stuff during the Occurrance? Why am I different? Why are you different? What the hell was going on with the fey, demon and werewolf last night? - and most tantalisingly, why was Ittori so worried about my crystal breaking?'

Of course Tony cannot answer all of those questions, but what I'm getting at here, is that instead of the focus of the conversation being Tony saying 'ok, here's the deal with the universe you're really living in', it should be Isaac's identity and possible status in this supernatural world.

Tony is telling Isaac that he may well be more than just a human being. He's telling him that he may well have a place in this supernatural world. But there's some unknown factor - why has the Crep magic always treated him as a human up until now? If he's made into a fully fledged fey, will that destroy the conditions under which they can examine the phenomenon of the cracked crystal?

For Isaac there are more worries too - there are fey, demons, lycanthropes - how does he, or Tony, for that matter, know which he might actually be? He could actually be a demon!

If you let Isaac guide the conversation, asking questions based on his limited experiences of the previous Crep, rather than asking Tony to clarify his own exposition, it will then force Tony to explain this universe in terms that Isaac can relate to - that we, the readers can relate to.

All the extra information - the various demons, fey, ancient spell, the creation of the Crep - while this is all relevant info, it is not yet as important as what is happening to Isaac at the moment, and how it will affect his DP.

I am still thinking about the DP and will get back to you on that later. :)
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D-Lotus



Joined: 21 Oct 2004
Posts: 4123
Location: Hollywood, USA

Posted: Sun Apr 04, 2010 4:36 pm    Post subject:  

Quote: If you let Isaac guide the conversation, asking questions based on his limited experiences of the previous Crep, rather than asking Tony to clarify his own exposition, it will then force Tony to explain this universe in terms that Isaac can relate to - that we, the readers can relate to.

I think Crunchy hit the nail on the head. If you're going to build a map in order to navigate the story, you have to do it from an established reference point: somewhere or something identifiable which makes the present explanation relevant. Sort of like the "You are here" marker you see on maps sometimes. In Tempora, Isaac should be the reference point; he is the main character and we are seeing the world through his perspective.

Honestly, you should consider re-writing this chapter at some point (if not now). It's not a question of getting it out of the way so you don't have to deal with it anymore and can move on to more important things. Rather, every small detail in the story is important because it is threaded in to the narrative and creates a distinctive whole. Remember, it isn't necessary to have action to make your story interesting (in fact, too much action can be boring), but if you're going to have dialogue, you have to be more subtle (as mentioned above). Work on ways to structure the dialogue such that it is more engaging and thought-provoking.
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Shillelagh



Joined: 11 Mar 2010
Posts: 398
Location: Kansas

Posted: Sun Apr 04, 2010 7:04 pm    Post subject:  

I would agree that Crunchy hit the nail on the head here; the catch being that the specific details she mentioned are all details which are coming up in this next part. I would agree that it could stand to be rewritten if I were to place it anywhere else. But, again, the catch is that I had to insert a DP where I would not have normally placed it. I, as the author, would rather have plowed right through it, and chosen the scene for you all. That probably wouldn't have been received well. It's a big decision to make. If I were to rewrite it, I would tack it on as a narrative blip.

I don't think it needs rewritten- rather, it needs replaced. It's a large wall of text that, ideally, would be spread out both before and after the decision point. And things which will happen in chapter four wouldn't hurt to be placed here. I simply cannot skip over this decision point, but at the same time there is not enough to place before the DP, unless I start adding pointless and trivial filler fluff.

And, yes, it is a question of plowing through it and getting it out of the way. If it doesn't happen by chapter five, it will be getting in the way. If the dialogue feels awkward in any way, it's because they're relaying information which they don't care about, but which the reader needs to know. As an author, I would have handled the situation differently. But as a story-gamer, I'd rather know that I'm not hitting any roadblocks. I've been sitting on this chapter for quite some time- I simply don't see a way to make it better. You say every small detail in the story is important? I agree. That's why I chose not to balance it out with fluff filler.

I never said that a story needs action to be interesting. I never denied that too much action is boring. What I did say is that a story needs a balance of these two elements. This section is heavy on the exposition. It could use a bit more action. Not action as a replacement, but action as a balancing additive.
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ChoKiba



Joined: 21 Oct 2009
Posts: 40
Location: Somewhere between life and death, post Nano

Posted: Sun Apr 04, 2010 10:30 pm    Post subject:  

Hm, I can agree, lots of information. Nonetheless, some of ti was kinda interesting. So in this case Ima have to go with a suggestion made earlier and say he wonder off instead of sticking around just to keep things interesting.
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Crunchyfrog



Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Posts: 3998

Posted: Sun Apr 04, 2010 10:49 pm    Post subject:  

Back with some DP thoughts.

As Isaac, I think I'd be too wary to just jump in feet first. Tony is my friend, but all of a sudden I've become aware of a whole new universe, within which there appears to be some kind of fight or disagreement. Tony appears to be a part of this new world, and he's telling me that I may be too - but he'll have to do some experiments on me first to be sure.

There are too many unknowns. I don't know who or how many others Tony has been conferring with about my status, and if the demon has also put two and two together he might be after me and although my crystal doesn't seem to be completely safe, I may be safer inside one for this Crep than wondering around as a Fey for the first time.

Besides, he's been babbling on about stuff I don't understand, like the history of the Crep, this character Speravi, and demons, fey, half-breeds, lycanthropes - it seems that I can't assume anything about these supernatural creatures, he says it's all propaganda.

I trust Tony, he's my friend, and I know he won't want me hurt. If I really do have a place in this other world, then I will have to face it. I don't think I could stand an eternity of remembered Creps for the rest of my life - eek... and if I am immortal, I think I shall go completely mad.

But Tony is not sure himself - If he is wrong about me then I could die. I think I will tell him that he should experiment on my crystal first. Find out what I really am, then take it from there.


- OOC - now I'm not how this decision would affect where Isaac should stand. :)
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Smee



Joined: 16 Oct 2004
Posts: 5215
Location: UK

Posted: Mon Apr 05, 2010 10:45 pm    Post subject:  

I liked this chapter.

The reader in me is happy to get some answers, even if the storygamer side agrees with the comments so far.

Information overload for Issac, a lot of which doesn't make sense. As Crunchy said, Tony has babbled al lsorts of names and events that are meaningless.

But one thing that I think would stand out to Issac is... the crystals are supposed to protect him, and all humans and it seems they aren't up to that task any more. If there's a war going on he'd rather be able to face it with perhaps some magic abilities to help survive rather than forced to stand helpless as a silent/forgetting witness.

So my vote is for standing in the grove.
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Muaddib



Joined: 31 Dec 2004
Posts: 1765

Posted: Tue Apr 06, 2010 7:39 am    Post subject:  

I agree with Smee...kind of. If this were a story or a movie, I would have liked the Reveal to have been much later. But since this is a storygame and SGs have unique requirements, I enjoyed the fast paced "infodump."

The DP is very interesting as DLotus mentioned. I would say don't become a fey. Since Isaac has seen the Matrix he should know not to make the same mistake Keanu made.
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Shillelagh



Joined: 11 Mar 2010
Posts: 398
Location: Kansas

Posted: Tue Apr 06, 2010 10:03 pm    Post subject:  

Poll's up.
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