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Is This Me? 002 - Anyone?
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Joined: 10 Oct 2010
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Posted: Mon Oct 25, 2010 11:23 pm    Post subject: Is This Me? 002 - Anyone?  


As he scans his eyes around, a flash of white catches his eye. Without thinking, he launches himself from the rock, and takes off top speed after it. In a matter of moments he's passing the border of of the forest into the shade of the trees. Something swift and white streaks along ahead of him. After a few quick calculations, he comes to a complete stop. 'No way I can catch it'

Closing his eyes, he cocks his head. Listening to all the sounds around him, he hears no movement in the immediate area around him. Opening his eyes, he makes note of the direction he came from. His stomach growls again. Turning away from the field, he disappears deeper into the depth of the woods. Looking up, he sees no sun through the canopy of leaves.

Walking on, he lets his senses guide him. Stopping, he rests against one of the trees. Looking about him, he sees no undergrowth. Bushes, small plants, moss, there's none of it. A clear view in every direction reveals nothing but more trees. Rubbing his back distractedly against the tree's red bark, he shifts his focus to his feet. Spotting something crawling near them, he stoops down and grabs it.

Wincing as the thing jabs his palm with a long stinger, he flips it over and grips it so that it doesn’t get the opportunity to do it again. It's dark orange body, scaled and slick, writhes in his grasp. Nine stiff legs, ended with little hooks, tug at his skin when they make contact. Looking it over, he feels a tingle in the back of his mind, a thought that he can't seem to hold on to.

Letting the thought go, he stares into the glassy multifaceted eyes of the creature. His stomach complains again, and without hesitation, he puts all but the stinger in his mouth and bites down hard. It wiggles a few moments longer, but after a few chomps it's little more than mush in his mouth. Chewing a few more times, he swallows the slimy mass. Sticky as slides down his throat, he notes it's bitterness.

Looking around for more, he brings his hand up to his mouth. Licking away the blood caused by the sting, he spots another several feet away. For the next several minuets, he wanders around aimlessly after all the ones he can see. After a couple dozen, he feels a bit heavy in the abdomen. The sticky nature of the creature making him thirsty, he stops. Closing his eyes again, he listens.

He hears something different. Rather than the rustling of the rust colored leaves pervading over all other sound, a distinctly not natural sound draws his attention. Turning to his left, he focuses all his senses on the sound. An almost rhythmic crack thud fills his ears. His eyes snap open, a part of his mind drawing up picture of a person. Tall, thick, his arms over his head, swinging something down on to...

The thought drifts away. Like all his other thoughts, he can't seem to hold on to it. Mentally shrugging it off, he starts moving towards the noise. 'Nothing in any other direction.' After a number of minuets, he stops. The forest ahead of him seems to thicken. The trees are closer together, and there is a layer of light orange ferns growing thick between the trunks.

Tilting his head one way, then the other, he waits for something to come to him. When no thoughts present themselves, he moves to the edge of leafy undergrowth. A thick smell invades his nostrils. After breathing it in fer a few seconds, he feels his mind drift even further away from him. He stumbles sideways. Crashing into a tree, he stands there shakily.

Then, without warning, he sneezes. His mind snaps back to just out of his reach. Pushing off of tree, he approaches the ferns again. 'Bad smell' Covering his nose, he walks into them. After only a few yards, the ferns stop suddenly, and the forest floor is once again barren of plant life. Moving past them, he drops hand from his face. The sound is much closer now.

The image again flits across his mind, not even staying long enough for him to acknowledge it this time. Through the trees ahead, he sees the shadows wane. Slowing his pace, he can tell it's not far now. Feeling something cool beneath his feet, he stops, looking down. Thick, soft grass seems to spring up out of nowhere. Looking behind, he sees the line of grass start a few steps back.

Crouching down, he plucks a blade. The brown color seems to almost match the color of his tunic. Sticking it in his mouth, he chews it. The sharp tang cuts through the thick feeling in his mouth from his previous 'meal'. Picking a few more, he chews them up and swallows them. 'That helps'.

Standing up, he moves forward again, passing tree after tree, towards the sound. Coming around a trunk, he blinks rapidly at the dazzling sunlight pouring though a break in the canopy. Bringing his eyes into focus, he looks upon the scene before him.

Hugging the trees on the other side of the clearing, is a small cottage. Made from the same trees as the ones all around, it blends in to the point of looking as if it had simply grown there. Along one side is a garden. Plants he can't seem to recall the names of bare large yellow vegetables. Looking to the other side of the hut, the boy spies cloth hanging from a line fluttering in the wind.

Scanning the entire area, he can't see the source of the noise. Moving towards the hut, he hears it echoing from behind the dwelling. Passing between the hut and the garden, he comes across a bucket of water resting in the soil. 'Water' He bends down and scoops up some of the water with both hands. Bringing it to his mouth, he quickly sips it up, plunging his hands back in for another drink.

After consuming half the bucket's contents, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand, he continues on his way. Finally, the thing making that vaguely familiar sound comes into sight. Gleaming in the sunlight, a metal object at the end of a long piece of wood, comes screaming down. With a loud crack, it splits a large hunk of wood on impact, and with a thunk, sinks into the stump underneath.

Stopping to observe the action repeated several times, it takes him some time to notice the being wielding the object. Slick with sweat, the slim but fit body of the man ripples with every swing. Pausing for a moment, he brings up a callous hand to brush shaggy, dirty blonde hair from before his eyes. The boy catches a glimpse of sky blue irises, with slitted pupils, all surrounded by a dull purple.

Looking down at his hand, the boy observes the difference in skin tones. 'He's lighter' Running his hands down his backside, he observes something else. 'I don't have one of those' Poking out the back of the man's ragged dark chocolate breeches, is a thick, shaggy, brown tail. Drooping down a little past his knees, it twitches, wagging ever so often.

The breeze shifts, blowing some of the boy's hair into his face. Reaching up to push it back, he breaks eye contact with the man for a moment. When his hands come down, the man has vanished. A sting in the back of his mind forces him act. Dropping down, he dives to his left. Rolling once, the second his feet hit the ground he sprints to the nearest tree. Spinning around, he presses his back to the rough trunk.

Eyes locked on the spot he had just vacated next to the hut. After a few seconds, the man steps out from behind the vegetable plants. Now standing exactly where the boy had been, he looks over at the child in amused amazement. The boy presses hard into the tree, unsure of why he's acting this way.

Slipping the tool from it's resting place on his shoulder, he lets the head drop to the ground. His tail begins swaying back and forth. “That was fast kid. Almost as fast as me in fact, and that's saying something.” The mans light tone, and gentle words seem to contradict his rather fierce demeanor. Keeping his eyes locked on the man, the boy doesn't move. 'Danger. Or no. Perhaps an ally. Food. Safety. Or no. Perhaps and enemy'

Thoughts fly through the boys already overtaxed mind. Unable to comprehend much of what passes through, his eye flicker, and he has to fight to keep them on the man. An unconscious whine emits from his mouth, the over exertion causing him more than a little headache.


Concerned, the man props his ax against the side of his home and steps forward. Watching the boy jerk back, pressing even harder into the Galakh tree, he stops. Not wanting to frighten the boy further, he crouches down. Propping himself up on his toes and finger tips, he simply watches the kid. Tail swishing hopefully, he tries to tell himself no.

'He's obviously afraid. There's no way he'll stay. Even if he is a stray, like me, it's not like we all stick together or something...' His thought trail off as the boy seems to relax a little now that he's stopped moving. Sniffing the air, the blonde cocks his head, confused. 'I don't smell fear. Just dirt...and blood...' Looking him over a few times, the man can't help but smile.

'He is like me. I've never even heard of someone with black hair like that before. Black hair is said to be the Vahlahna's color. And those eyes...' Locking gazes with the kid, he feels as if something is being drawn from him, leaving behind a void. Blinking and shaking his head a few times, he looks back at the boy, smiling.

'I think I like this boy. There's just something about him.' Shifting forward on to his hands and knees. Seeing no response to the movement, he chances a few shuffling steps towards him. Watching him tense up again, he rocks back to his crouching position. Still smiling, he says as soothingly as possible, “You don’t have to be afraid young one, I won't hurt you.” The man winces at the sound of his own voice. Gruff and raw, he knows it's not the kind of voice many people would trust.


The boy, finally pulling one thought of the jumbled mass of fragmented information locked in his mind, refocuses on the man crouching twenty feet away. 'More information. I need to know more. Can not get an answer without the right question' His body, still on edge, tightens as the man crawls towards him. When the man speaks, he feels his body relax. Like a ripple, from his head to his toes, the mans voice brings him down from his hyper aware state.

Staring at one another, the two strangers try to comprehend this odd situation. The man drops his gaze and scoots forward a few more feet. The boy shifts, sliding down the tree so he's crouching eye level with him. Having stopped with the boy's movement, the man brings his eyes back to the child before him. The draw is strong, but he's no fool. He too, wants to know more.
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Joined: 10 Oct 2010
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Posted: Mon Oct 25, 2010 11:50 pm    Post subject: For Your Information  

FYI, 'The Man' is going to be making decissions alongside 'The Boy' He's a main character too. So, I'd like suggestions on both of them. What they'll do next, how to react to this odd happening. aybe even some idea as to just WHY he feels drawn to our dear little dull tack.....

So, the DP is extreamly open right now. I appriciate all ideas.
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Posted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 12:02 am    Post subject:  

PopeAlessandrosXVIII wrote: Awwww....No sticky for me, th fist chapter isn't long enough.......*Sniffle*

The rule for chapter length is approximate - the reason for setting a minimum is to give the chance for scenes and characters to develop enough for the players to have something to work with.

Now this is an interesting DP, as although it is clear that the boy is our main character, we're getting a little bit of info from the man's POV.

The boy's most immediate need has been satisfied (hunger) which means now he'll want to be more preoccupied with the question at hand - who, or what, he is. He's not going to be able to find this out on his own, so it seems to me that he'll need to interact in some way with this new character. He's already been made more at ease from the man's attempt to communicate with him.

The most obvious thing to me would be to speak, at this point, but what to say? He's obviously a stranger in the man's domain, so perhaps he should begin by finding out exactly 'where' he is.

For the man - who calls himself a stray - suggests that he is an outcast of some kind. He's thinking that the boy might also be a stray. I think that the question on the man's mind will be 'Where are you from?'

A good introduction to this world, and the characters. :)
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Joined: 11 Mar 2010
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Location: Kansas

Posted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 6:18 am    Post subject:  

It wasn't as noticable in the first one... but... oh, please use larger paragraphs. You've got a lot of 3-4 sentence paragraphs, which on my screen translate into a ridiculous series of two-three line bars stretching across the screen. It's quite painful to the eye. There were a lot of places where similar trains of thought would have let you combine paragraphs. It'd make it a lot easier to read- I kept losing my place, because I my eyes had a hard time going stripe by stripe.

That being said, the content was very impressive. I can't imagine that the boy would be an easy point of view to write from, but you pull it off well.

The boy, I would imagine, will want to ask more concrete things. Where are we, who are you, why are you here, where did you get water, what do you eat for food... that sort of thing. The man will want to be as honest as possible when answering questions, as he'll be wanting to earn the boy's trust so that they can be companions.
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Joined: 26 Oct 2010
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Location: Vicksburg

Posted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 11:41 am    Post subject:  

I really enjoy reading this. The way its presented is amazing. Kudos.

I noticed a few little mistakes

Quote: he shift his focus to his feet.
A missing "s"

Quote: The breeze shift, blowing
And another missing one here.

Quote: The boy presses hard into the three, unsure of why he's acting this way.
An extra "h" i believe.

Aside from those little things I thought it was well written. For the DP I agree with everyone else that the man needs to be sincere in answering the boys questions. But also, should inquire about where the boy came from.
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Joined: 22 Aug 2010
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Location: Wandering the streets of IF since 10/21/2005

Posted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 12:34 pm    Post subject:  

I was enjoying the level of detail that is in the story.

If you could reduce the length of your separators it would be nice for me ;)
PopeAlessandrosXVIII wrote: __________________________________________________________________ Was three lines of separator.

Unfortunately I don't have anything to add to the DP discussion :x
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Joined: 13 Sep 2009
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Location: Rising from the ashes

Posted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 5:10 pm    Post subject:  

Your writing style continues to be quite strong and descriptive. However, as noted above, the missing letters were frequent and something to watch out for as they do interrupt the reader and distract.

Assuming the DP is from the kid's angle, I almost would have liked us to have no information yet from the 'man's' viewpoint. Makes it tough in this case to separate player knowledge from character knowledge. Though that isn't always a bad thing to challenge... this might be a bit too subtle and thus insidious in our way of thinking.

This said, he put down the weapon before approaching so that's a start on trust building. And we aren't sure if he can understand the language.. but assuming he can, an introduction is in order, as I think CF suggested.
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Posted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 7:37 am    Post subject: Well  

Thunderbird wrote: Assuming the DP is from the kid's angle, I almost would have liked us to have no information yet from the 'man's' viewpoint. Makes it tough in this case to separate player knowledge from character knowledge. Though that isn't always a bad thing to challenge... this might be a bit too subtle and thus insidious in our way of thinking.

Thunder-kun, I kinda understand what you mean, but let me explain a bit. I put his point of view in beacuse I wanted to express to th reader his importance. He is here, and he's not just some random encounter. That. and the boy's view point needed a little break. The constant confusion and incomprehention can get on even my nerves, and I invented the guy.

I would like suggestions based on both 'The man' and 'The boy's' viewpoint. I'm hopeing I put enough in for their personalities to come accross right. As for the misspellings, I'll go fix those now!
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Tikanni Corazon

Joined: 25 Oct 2009
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Location: Running through the plains of my mind, my wolf spirit at my side (but doing so in the UK!).

Posted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 10:28 am    Post subject:  

This is a good beginning Pope! I love the descriptive style of your writing, especially in the first chapter. And it's very consistant too, with every detail being clearly described, so as to give the reader a full picture of each scene.

The only errors I can see is the lack of commas in the first chapter, and some minor spelling mistakes, but nothing too bad. I noticed 'minute' spelt incorrectly a couple of times in the second chapter, but not much more than that.

I was also wondering the same thing as TB, can the boy understand what the man is saying to him? Do they speak the same language? Throughout the two chapters, his behaviour seems very wild, almost animalistic. The eating of the insects I found very interesting, when looking at the boy from this perspective, as he paid little attention to the sting or the taste, merely focusing on eating and staying alive. Also, his reaction to the unfamiliar noise seemed very animal-like, but with a mixture of natural human curiosity.

Looking at the dp from this perspective, I would say that the boy isn't going to trust the man that quickly. I think he would run away, possibly returning several times before trying to make any kind of physical contact. If he wishes to gain his trust, the man should allow him to do this without pushing him.

I enjoyed this Pope, keep up the good work! :)
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Posted: Wed Nov 03, 2010 2:46 am    Post subject: Poll  

Poll is up, I tried to make the choises interesting while integrateing all the options I saw. Hope I did well!
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Posted: Wed Nov 03, 2010 3:56 am    Post subject:  

I went for the third option, because - on balance, when we were with the boy's POV, there was no internalised thought, but when we were in the man's head, there was.

The amnesia the boy is suffering could well extend to language, so I think it is feasible for him not to understand the man's words, whether they speak the same language or not.

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Location: The Library of Interfable History

Posted: Fri Nov 05, 2010 8:32 am    Post subject:  

I voted and am now bumping this thread into the recent posts thing :P
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Posted: Sat Nov 06, 2010 12:07 am    Post subject: Voteing  

Anyone else for votes? We got a tie here. I kinda like the language issue.... Got a few more hours up, then I'ma make my vote if the tie's not resolved! Happy voteing!
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Location: Surrounded by many beautiful naked men

Posted: Wed Nov 10, 2010 1:57 am    Post subject: Poll  

Introduce/Interrogate one another-Speak the same language
37% [ 3 ]
The Boy runs off-Speak the same language
0% [ 0 ]
Introduce/Interrogate one another-They don't speak the same language
50% [ 4 ]
The Boy runs off-They don't speak the same language
12% [ 1 ]
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Joined: 10 Oct 2010
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Location: Surrounded by many beautiful naked men

Posted: Wed Nov 10, 2010 2:00 am    Post subject: Ummmm  

Sorry for the wait, the next chapter will be up soon, at least by tonight!
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