City of IF

[Emperor]

Chapter 8

Warning. This story contains strong language, scenes of violence and other matter that may be offensive. For mature readers only.
“To… to understanding the importance of people and potential.”

Symphony smiled widely and even Leif was secretly pleased that he had come up with such a good toast. At last they touched glasses, this time with a satisfying, low click and he brought the drink up to his lips. It was a cold drink but something in it made it go down with warmth and it had the taste of mead. His finely tuned need could tell that it wasn’t alcoholic in any sense. It had a strong taste of fruit but blended and flavored in such a way that he couldn’t make out what exactly it was comprised from. As best as Leif could judge he thought it had pomegranate, apple and at least a hint of lemon. Something else about the drink was slightly off-putting; it reminded him of the musky sent of amber resin.

As the concoction made its home in his stomach he felt his anxiousness quiet a little and the death grip that he had been holding the glass goblet in relaxed ever so slightly. Leif wasn’t sure he liked the taste of the drink but on the same token he wasn’t sure that he disliked it either. He compared it to fresh water; it left no impression of like or dislike, only the sense of need or necessity. Though unlike water, this drink had a definite flavor and taste, whereas water has no taste. He took another drink, this time letting it sit in his mouth, trying to coax a reaction out of his taste buds.

“What do you think?”

Leif swallowed, that same hint of warmth fusing into his body, but this time it felt just a little warmer. He felt his shoulders relax and the tension in the back of his neck fade. The tremors in his hand quieted some to what would look like a nervous shake.

“You know I’m not exactly sure what I think of it.”

Symphony laughed and sat down in the middle of his couch, crossing her legs. Only now did Leif smell the food cooking in the kitchen, warm, rich scents of freshly baking bread mixed with a stronger smell of fish and dill.

“Most people never really know what to make of it, but I don’t mind. I guess I’m hoping that I meet someone who likes it as much as I do and I only like it because I’m the inventor.”

Leif sat next to her having no real other choice but the coffee table or the floor opposite of the couch. The turmoil that occupied his mind and put him on edge faded more and more. His heart told him that Symphony wouldn't do anything to harm him but after what Tetra had done but his caution into overdrive.

“There isn’t anything in this that will mess with me, is there?”

She patted his leg lightly, the warmth of her hand sending a different rush of heat into his chest.

“No nothing like that, but in I have noticed that with a handful of people it makes them a little sleepy.”

“That’s good considering what happed with Tetra last time.”

He took another deep drink.

“That bastard drugged me after forcing me in his car.”

Symphony looked directly at him; Leif was looking straight at their reflections in the useless television. His image shape was distorted by the curve of the screen but basically the same. For some reason her image was skewed to the point that it looked like she had short hair instead of her normal long, raven locks.

“Be careful with that one Lee, he is dangerous.”

Leif laughed and it was a laugh of real humor. He took another drink watching the pair of them on the screen.

“That’s exactly what he said about you. But Wendy gave me something in case he tries something like that again.”

Symphony's reflection shook her head and the hair seemed grow with each sway. Her grip strengthened on his knees, punctuating the seriousness of whatever she was going to say next.

“Don’t do anything stupid Lee; he is a lot stronger than he looks.”

Leif closed his eyes, he didn’t know why he felt so tired, but it was a welcoming drowsiness.

“I wanted to burn them after Stephen died.”

Suddenly he felt the need to talk about the pictures again. He brought up the cup to his lips again, the hard cool glass felt like a smooth river stone freshly plucked from an icy stream against his mouth.

“I smashed the frames; I cut my hands on the glass because I was so angry and drunk. I had some lighter fuel and a Zippo that was a gift from Kelly; I planned to burn each and every picture. I planned to burn them and then I planned to burn everything else.”

Leif felt Symphony’s kind gaze on him.

“I was lucky really, I passed out before I could, the next morning I found them in an empty shoebox, each picture covered with thumbprints of dried blood. And my clothes were drenched in the fluid but nothing else, I don’t really know what I was planning, but I can only assume that I was going to set myself on fire. Maybe as a last protest like that monk who set himself on fire in protest of all the lives being lost in the Vietnam War.”

Leif knew he wanted to tell her these things, to let her in just a little, but he also felt himself falling deeper and deeper into the darkness of sleep. He felt one of Symphony’s hands on his brow, pushing a lock of blond hair out of his eyes. Symphony filled in the empty space of his drowsy mind.

“It’s called self-immolation, he was a Buddhist monk and his act was the act of ultimate sacrifice to bring attention to the atrocities that were happening there. Burning to death is no easy way to pass on from this mortal world, some say he was a fool and his act made no difference at all, but I think Tich was brave, not for the act but for the hope and the resolve in believing it would make a difference.”

Farther now, just a few more steps, a few more breaths and he would be asleep. He wanted to tell her to stay, he wanted to tell her to wait, but he knew it was time for her to leave.

“Come back?”

It was the only thing he could ask. He felt her warm breath on his ear and heard her voice through the darkness in a soft whisper.

“Soon.”




₰ ₰ ₴ ₴ ₰ ₰




The last couple of days had been long and wearing. The night of the accident he had spent several hours at the scene trying to explain to several different people just what it was he had seen. Then later that same night, or was it the morning of the next day, the police had taken him to the precinct to question him even further. After getting the answers as to why Ignacio had been in the abandoned hotel, if he had any alibis, if he had any problems with drugs and so on, they had finally let him go.

He had gone home; he had tried to get some sleep for he knew he had a severe backlog of projects to do, but the image of the man in the black business suit hurtling down from the sky to splatter his innards all over the window, kept forcing its way back into his head. Instead of tossing and turning in his bed all night with that grisly image harrowing him, he decided to go to his workstation. A sense of anticipated fear made his hands shake when he saw that Kumanda had returned his sketch book while he was gone. He placed it on the metal lip that would keep it falling off of the tilted surface and turned on the desk lamp.

Ignacio hesitated with his hand over it. He was afraid that if he looked at the drawings again that he would be pulled back into them. He didn’t know how or why, but for some reasons those simple urban drawings but him into a trance like state which only allowed him to work on them and nothing else. He steeled himself and opened the sketch book.

Ignacio shuffled through the pieces of paper, separating out all but the ones that had entranced him. Of those drawings his attention was pulled toward the one of the abandoned hotel, so he placed it in the center of the artists table. Ignacio searched the drawing carefully, line by line, smudge by shadow with his mismatched brown and blue eyes. He was looking at the windows of the hotel, how he had drawn them in even more disrepair than they really were, then he saw it. A long shadow where no shadow should be, stretching down three floors like the after image of a misplaced rain gutter. It was longer and thinner than it should be which is why he probably had not seen it the first time; it was the shadow of a woman. She had her arms outstretched like a cliff diver and he could see the something coming out of her back, like butterflies on opposite sides, freshly emerging from cocoons. They were wings.

He froze in place, he knew that he had drawn it, but he was completely unaware of it. It was like a hidden message in the artwork, something strange and frightening well up inside of him. It was that singular desire to finish what he had started. Ignacio knew this piece was done, but some part of him also knew that the other two had messages as well. All he would have to do was pick up his pencil and finish them.




₰ ₰ ₴ ₴ ₰ ₰



A bright flash brought her out of the darkness that she had been in; a blurry image of a male figure was standing before her. She looked at him and past him trying to piece together what, who and where she was. As the seconds ticked by the man turned his back placing the camera on some sort of metal tray behind him. The "who" she was part of her question came back easily enough but the "where" was still a great unknown.

Wendy tried to sit up but as she did so she realized that she was restrained, her hands were tied behind her back and around an uncomfortable chair. Her legs were also tied to the same chair. Wendy's fear started to mount as the memory of Tetra posing as her savior came back to her. He was no longer wearing the unassuming brown khaki pants and green tee shirt “pimping” the usefulness of the cannabis sativa plant. In its place were dark blue Dickey’s, a green sweater, a pale brown trench coat and a blue beanie. She couldn’t believe that she hadn't recognized him from Lee's description of him earlier that same day.

Wendy heard small metallic objects clicking against each other from the metal tray that Tetra was intently studying. She tried rocking the chair back and forth, not really sure what she would do, but she remembered reading that the minute you stop trying to survive in any life threatening situation is the minute you start dying.

The chair didn’t move an inch, she looked down and saw that the ends of its legs were squares and those squares were bolted into the concrete floor. Wendy began doing the only thing that she could, trying to move her hands in the hopes that eventually it would loosen the bonds.

Minutes passed as Tetra still had his back to her, picking up and then discarding object after object. Wendy was eternally grateful that she couldn’t see them. He picked up one object, studying it longer than he had the all the others and then his shoulders began to turn toward her. Her heart began to thunder, pumping cold fear through her. Suddenly she felt the temperature in the room drop then she felt an even colder wind that seemed to be coming from the corner of the room to Tetra’s left. Her kidnapper stopped in mid turn and faced the corner where the cold came from and went to one knee, his head bowed as if he was in the presence of sovereignty.

Wendy pulled and pushed at her bonds frantically while looking toward the corner where Tetra was facing. In the corner the shadows seemed deeper there, Wendy’s struggles slowed as she realized that it wasn’t that the shadows seemed deeper there, it was that fact that shadows were in the corner where no shadow could be because of the light. As she stared, the shadows seemed to move as if there was something inside it, pushing and reaching but not able to cross the threshold were light existed. Wendy could feel malevolence so dark and alien that it made her body freeze like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming big rig.

“Lixxxxxx.”

A voice came out of the shadow, in that one word she could hear hunger, but not for food, just deep wanting that could only dance in the minds of rapists and serial killers. It drawled out the last constant and for some ridiculous reason it reminded her of the villain on a cartoon she used to watch as a child.

“Yes, my master.”

Tetra’s voice had taken on a tone of respect born of fear.

“You were not to take measuressss such as this.”

The name came to her; it was Cobra Commander for the cartoon G. I. Joe. She heard herself laughing in her own mind and she couldn’t stop laughing as little bits of her sanity splintered apart.

“It is necessary my lord, Symphony has retained her protections and I can no longer rely on simply locating her to capture her.”

The shadow roiled and Wendy could feel bile churning in her stomach.

“You were given specific instructionssss.”

Tetra bowed even lower.

“I know great one, but my choices are limited.”

Everything went silent but the coldness did not stop, then it spoke again.

“Do what you mussst but you are not to kill it. Do not fail again in gaining my prizzze.”

“This woman means something to the mortal man helping Symphony, hurting her, possibly killing her may be the only recourse left to me.”

A tendril of darkness lashed out and wrapped around Tetra’s neck, the sound of water hitting hot oil spat out from all the areas where shadow met light. Tetra’s began to turn red, as red as desert sand.

“You forget yoursssself Lixxxx. Kill her if you must, what isss she but a bag of blood and screams, but never forget that you are mine and so is Symphony.”

The tendril let go and the shadow began to shrink.

“I do not fault you for the murder of the vassal I sent you, but neverrrrr think that I am not watching.”

Wendy saw Tetra flinch but he said nothing as the rest of the shadow disappeared and the cold with it. Tetra stood and turned to face Wendy, his smile was wide and sharp.

“It looks like we get to play after all.”

Tetra took off his beanie, his head was bald and there were five perfect rows of carvings on its surface. They started at his hair line and went to the back of his head, each one a deep gouge in the skin of his scalp, each one a symbol or rune of some sort. Each row started with the same symbol, the same one she saw on the dead bodies on the freeway, three wavy lines.

Tetra’s grey eyes flashed for a second and then seemed to be light and glowing like a cat’s eyes. Each of the runes began to waft out a steady stream of brownish colored smoke; they curved and twirled reminding her tiny little dust devils coming off his head. He held up what looked like an oversized meat tenderizer and slowly walked over to her. There was a scratching sound as something malformed and pitted grew and made a bulge in his pants. The one thing she could make out was the all too human shaped head on what could only be Tetra's penis. As hard as she tried not to she let out a scream but no one heard.


₰ ₰ ₴ ₴ ₰ ₰


Another unwilling fall into sleep, another dream that he couldn’t recall any finer details other than his car had broken down and now another day at waking up to company escaped. Leif would have been worried but he was almost getting used to it by now, like a man with a chronic backache, soon enough the pain just becomes nothing more than uncomfortably familiar. He sat up and gave a small smile as he pushed off the unexpected blanket that had been covering him. There was something indefinably gratifying, knowing that someone took the time to cover him with a blanket when he were asleep.

The smell of food made his stomach rumble and he made his way to the kitchen. The small square card table that served as his dining table was covered with dishes. In the middle was the freshly baked, unleavened bread that he smelled earlier. To its left was the baked fish covered in dill and onions. Next to this was a salad made with Romaine lettuce and other savory greens. The banquet didn’t end there though for there was a small German chocolate cake. Two pieces of lamb covered in rosemary whose meat was still on the bone. A bowl filled with freshly cut fruit and beside it a slice of white cheese cut from a wheel. On the tiled counter top was a plate, knife, spoon, linen napkin and a note.

Dear Lee,
I’m sorry that I couldn’t stay and have dinner but I had to go. I promise you that next time I’ll stay longer if it is at all possible. My little surprise kind of backfired with the affect my concoction had on you, never thought it would knock you out. I hope you enjoy the food and I’ll be back for my dishes.

Your friend,
Symphony.

He put the letter away in his pocket. He smiled at the thought of having to start a collection of them and then began loading up his plate with small portions of everything. He sat in the living room to eat; it was all delicious even if the fish was a little overcooked. He was nearing the end of his meal when it hit him. Normally by now, especially after eating all he would be thinking about would be what he would have to drink to finish off. He sat back and turned his head just a little to right while looking down as if he was trying to listen to his body. It wasn’t there, the need, the ache, the undeniable thirst for a beer, or a glass of wine, or anything to quench his thirst for alcohol. He looked down at his hand, stared and studied it carefully, looking for even the slightest tremor and could find none.

Leif had known he had felt different when he woke up but he didn’t expect the physical need being gone was why. If he didn’t know better he would have thought that somehow he detoxed in his short hour or two cat nap. He brought his dishes back to the kitchen and placed them in the sink and started in with the task of putting away the rest of the food. Leif opened the refrigerator and the first thing his eyes saw were the half-finished beer cans leering back at him. He had no great physical desire to reach out and drink one, but there was still that little part of his brain that was telling him, “Yes.” It was a strange state he found himself in, completely in control as to what decision he would make but his mind still urging him on from no physical need at all.

Leif reached in, the can was cool and consoling in his hand. He took it out and brought it near his face. Even from here the faint smell of the stale beer made him bring it closer, he could almost taste it, he could almost feel the cold of the aluminum can against his lips. Leif took a deep breath, savoring the aroma, letting it linger at the back of his pallet and then poured the swill down the kitchen sink. Before he lost his last reserves, he quickly grabbed the remainder of the cans of beer and poured them all down the drain. He ran the water, sluicing down any lingering drops of the honey colored temptation and then cupped his hands under the running water to splash some against his face. He stood back, beads of water running down his face, catching in his stubble and he took a deep sigh, now that hard part was over he could put away the food.





So I know that the DP choices seem limited and obvious but as with most stories sometimes we have to trudge through the obvious stuff to get to the good choices. I am hoping there is only 1or 2 more chapters where only simple DP’s are what you have to choose from. Please bear with me and I hope that what is written thus far keeps you reading.

So other than the obvious DP of whether or not Ignacio will take up his pencil to finish off the other two drawings and risk falling back into the trance like state to find the hidden drawings….are there any other suggestions for DP’s?

[Tikanni Corazon]

Hey Emperor!

Excellent chapter! This has fast become one of my favourite storygames on IF, and it's nice to see another new chappie so soon after the last. :)


I loved this new aspect of the supernatural with Tetra and his 'master', and the ending to that section was actually really quite chilling. You can feel your heart going out to Wendy, and dread what might happen to her. There was also that moment, for me, when the shadow first appeared, and you think, 'Oh, maybe Tetra's not so bad, if he's doing all of these vile things out of fear', and then he turns to her and through the following sentences, you can see that's really not the case. He truly is quite a vile individual, who enjoys inflicting the pain he does.


Even though I don't get the sense that Symphony is going to turn out to be a bad guy, there is something unnerving in the unsureness of who and what she actually is. The description of her relection in the tv screen does make one ask those questions all the more, and there is that slight wondering as to whether she is the kind of person she seems to be.


Okies, I noticed a couple of things...


Quote: She patted his leg lightly, the warmth of her hand send a different rush of heat into his chest.

I think 'send' should be 'sending'.


Quote: Suddenly he felt the need to talk about the pictures again. He brought up the cup to his lips again, the hard cool glass felt like a smooth river stone freshly plucked from an icy stream against his mouth.

I really liked these couple of sentences as a whole, especially the description of the feeling of the glass.


Quote: Her legs were also tied to the same chair, fear started to mount in her as the memory of Tetra posing as her savior came back to her.

I think the comma after chair would be better replaced with a full-stop.


Quote: She couldn’t believe that she didn’t recognize him from Lee description of him earlier that same day.

Lee's...


Quote: Wendy her small metallic objects clicking against each other from the metal tray that Tetra was intently studying.

heard?


Quote: The smell of food made his stomach rumble and he made his way to the kitchen, on his small square card table that served as his dining table he saw an assortment of food, so much so that it took up most of the available space.

Again, I think it should be a full-stop instead of a comma after 'kitchen'.


Quote: He put the letter away in his pocket and began loading up his plate small portions of everything.

I think you need a 'with' between 'plate' and 'small'.


Quote: He ran the water, sluicing down any lingering drops of the honey colored temptation and then cupped his hands under the running water to splash some against his face.

I really liked this line too. The 'honey coloured temptation' part is genius!


As for the dp, limited or not, I'm interested in discovering what other 'messages' Ignacio might discover in the other two pictures. I loved that moment when he noticed the winged-woman's shadow running down the building. So, yeah, he should get to work! ;)


Looking forward to the next one already, Emperor! :)

[Emperor]

Thank you for taking the time to read it and critique it Tikky, I certainly hope to repay your kindness in your own SG's. I hopefully fixed all that you pointed out.

[Thunderbird]

I love the potency you gave that 'detox' brew! Really drives the point home on who Symphony is here in such a beautifully subtle way, strong when you see... Even if you don't, it adds to the magical and mystical quality that these meetings with Symphony are providing us - which is the true meat of the tale anyhow. I would think one could walk into writing this with an idea of what you want to manifest and wander about throughout it always missing HOW to manifest it - you, however, are hitting the nail on the head here. This is rapidly becoming best seller/classic quality material here. It will certainly end up one on IF for those who have been so lucky as to have followed it.

I f5 Tika's great commentary on the villain. (I thought he was Lux - you were saying Lix in this chapter...) Sometimes the hard part is making the evil really evil (even if there IS some value in redeemable traits in villains) but again, you're showing no problems with that, even using some clever scenework to enhance the impact.

Ok, now that the gushing is past, I have some edit/crit notes (I'm practicing looking with a critical eye in preparation for an editing weekend on my own work...):

Quote: “Most people never really know what to make of it, but I don’t mind. I guess I’m hoping that meet someone who likes it as much as I do and I only like it because I’m the inventor.”
Hoping the red points out what needs addressing.

Quote: Leif sat next to her having no real other choice other than the coffee table in front of her or the floor opposite of the couch.
Perhaps 'having no other real choice but either the coffee table in front of her or the floor opposite the couch.' might be a bit smoother.

Quote: Leif could feel the turmoil that normally occupied his mind which in turn set his body and tongue on edge fading more and more.
Couple things here. 1) You began the immediately preceeding sentance with 'Leif' as well. Repeating sentance beginnings is something I've been taught to try to avoid.
2) a comma should go after 'mind' and in front of 'which' and then another after 'edge' to set aside the sub-thought from the main sentance flow. You can legitimately read this sentance without 'which in turn set his body and tongue on edge' and it'd actually come across making a bit more sense that way. That statement is a whole injected thought to help us understand the turmoil of which you speak but without the commas it blends into some confusion on first read over.

not to harp on the same para but:
Quote: He took a much smaller drink than the first two, he thought he knew that she would not wish him any harm but after what Tetra had done to him his caution overrode his instincts.
The comma is incorrect. These are two separate sentances; albeit a ';' could work in that they are a distinctly linked chain of statements.

Quote: His image shape was distorted by the curve of the screen but basically the same, for some reason her image was skewed to the point that it looked like she had short hair instead of her normal long, raven locks.
Same as above. Interestingly enough, you used the ';' perfectly in the sentance preceding this one. Its not to be overused, though, so it may be best to split some of these into distinct sentances of their own.

Quote: “Be careful with that one Lee, he is dangerous.”
And another along the same lines.

Quote: Symphony shook her head and from the reflection he was looking at it looked like as she did so her hair grew longer with each shake of her head.
I'd probably just take out the second 'of her head'. Maybe try to find another verb to replace the second 'shake' though not to allow the statement to become confusing.

Quote: “I wanted to burn them after Stephen died.”

Suddenly he felt the need to talk about the pictures again. He brought up the cup to his lips again, the hard cool glass felt like a smooth river stone freshly plucked from an icy stream against his mouth.

“I smashed the frames; I cut my hands on the glass because I was so angry and drunk. I had some lighter fuel and a Zippo that was a gift from Kelly; I planned to burn each and every picture. I planned to burn them and then I planned to burn everything else.”
I loved the way you shifted topic here. It caught me off guard and I was wondering what the hell he was suddenly talking about but you quickly brought me back around to understanding. So the way that played out in my mind made the shift in conversation stark and vivid.

Quote: The last couple of days had been long and wearing on him, the night of the accident he had spent several hours at the scene trying to explain to several different people just what it was he had thought he saw.
1) put a period after wearing and cut out 'on him' entirely.
2) Capitalize The.
3) 'he had thought he saw' doesn't sound conjugated quite right. 'he thought he had seen' is how I feel it would more properly be delivered. Not sure if this feedback follows any definable rules of grammar so its just to point out that I found that part a bit tough to follow in its original form (it was a stumble point when reading.)

Quote: Where for two or three hours of asking him question after question designed to imply his guilt. Looks like you were trying to break up a runon here and ended up with a fragment that doesn't quite make full gramatic sense no matter how I look at it. Perhaps the same sentance would work only starting with 'There, they spent two or three hours asking him...'

Quote: He had gone home; he had tried to get some sleep for he knew he had a severe backlog of projects to do, but the image of the man in the black business suit hurtling down from the sky to splatter his innards all over the window, kept forcing its way back into his head.
Bit of a runon in my own style. Consider a restructure here.

Quote: Ignacio hesitated with his hand over it, he was afraid that if he looked at the drawings again that he would be pulled back into them
I'm beginning to think your tendancy to comma where you should put periods often stems from a strong desire to avoid starting sentances with such common terms as pronouns. lol Can't blame you there but this isn't really the way to address that.

Quote: He didn’t know how or why, but for some reasons those simple urban drawings but him into a trance like state which only allowed him to work on them and nothing else. He steeled himself and opened the sketch book.
hmm. Maybe not. lol! My main point in posting this quote is to point out 'but' in the first sentance. I'm sure you meant 'put'.

Quote: Of those drawings his attention was pulled toward the one of the abandoned hotel, so he placed in the center Something not quite complete about the thought there. Placed what in the center of what? <Syntax Error... does not compute> ( :P )

Quote: Ignacio searched the drawing carefully, line by line, smudge by shadow with is mismatched brown and blue eyes.
Surely you meant 'his'.

Quote: how he had drew them 'drawn'

Quote: She had her arms outstretched like a cliff diver and he could see the something coming out of her back, like butterflies on opposite sides, freshly emerging from cocoons. They were wings.
Wonderful imagery comes to mind. Golden phrasing work here.

Quote: He froze in place, he knew that he had drawn it, but he was completely unaware of it. The second comma works fine. The first did not. Again a complete thought. End sentance and begin new.

Quote: It was that singular desire to finish what he had started, Ignacio knew this one was done, but some part of him also knew that the other two had messages as well. The commas didn't work here. Either '-' where the commas are or simply break up into distinct sentances. IMO.

Quote: All he would have to do is pick up...
A tense issue. Should be 'was' or 'would be to'.

Quote: The who she was part of her question...
This creates a momentary stumble point. I'd suggest putting ' before who and after was. This would help the reader encapsulate that though without getting lost in other possible confusing interpretations.

Quote: Wendy tried to sit up but as she did so she realized that she was restrained, her hands were tied behind her back and around an uncomfortable chair.
'nuff said.

Quote: She couldn’t believe that she didn’t recognize him from Lee's description of him earlier that same day. I'd use 'hadn't recognized' to distinguish from her current frame of recognition. The way this reads almost suggests she still can't recognize him and can't believe she doesn't. As that would be illogical to conclude, the reader gets the point, but it is technically incorrect on the tense usage.

Quote: She tried rocking the chair back and forth, not really sure what she would do, but she remembered reading that the minute you stop trying to survive in any life threatening situation is the minute you start dying. Such a neat statement. As soon as I read this gem of a line, I immediatly began thinking, and now that I've read that, if I were ever in a situation along similar lines I, too, would have this very thought. What a precious irony that would be!

For how poingnant that sentance is, I would end the paragraph there and allow the next sentance to start a new one. (The first and last thoughts in a paragraph are the most prevalent to the reader...)

Quote: Minutes passed as Tetra still had his back to her, picking up and then discarding object after object, Wendy was eternally grateful that she couldn’t see them.
Same as the usual comma crit.

Quote: He picked up one object, first studying it longer than he had the all the others and then his shoulders began to turn toward her. I'd just take 'first' out of the statement altogether as I found no additional concept in its inclusion here and it just creates a momentary stumble as I try to find what you meant in it.

Quote: A voice came out of the shadow, in that one word she could hear hunger, but not for food, and a deep wanting that could only dance in the minds of rapists and serial killers. An amazingly vivid statement that begins to explain why 17 and up was established here. Wonderful wording BUT I would take the 'and' out. It strikes me as unnecessary.

(Honestly, this whole scene was brilliant! The wordsmithing and delivery is top notch all around despite any crits I may be offering here.)

Quote: Wendy could see the bulge of inhuman shaped penis straining against the fabric of his pants. First of all, there should be an 'an' before inhuman. But I challenge this statement, as vivid as it may be. If the penis was underneath the fabric of his pants, how could she possibly derive its inhumanity? You may need to give us some more detail or leave it befeft of the inhuman footnote.

Quote: Leif would have been worried but he was almost getting used to it by now, like a man with a chronic backache, soon enough the pain just becomes nothing more than uncomfortably familiar. Either of these commas should be removed and replaced with a '.' but not both. I get the continuing thought there but after both are in play, it becomes two distinct sentances either way you divide it.

Quote: He sat up and gave a smile small ... Either you are waxing poetic or you improperly reversed smile and small.

Quote: There was something indefinably gratifying, knowing that someone took the time to cover you with a blanket when you were asleep. The uses of 'you' breaks the author perspective 'voice' employed up till now and returned to immediately after. I suggest replacing 'you' with 'him', 'he' and ensuing edits such as 'was asleep' to smooth it out.

Quote: The small square card table that served as his dining table was covered with dishes. Brilliant stage setting. Says a lot. I've been there and can relate. With the devil in the details, this is a very nice touch.

Quote: In the middle was the freshly baked, unleavened bread that he smelled earlier, to its left was the baked fish covered in dill and onions, next to this was a salad made with Romaine lettuce and other savory greens. Commas that should be periods again.

Quote: and beside it a slice of white cheese but from a wheel. 'but' throws me a bit there. I think without it, the sentance, which is already lengthy and maintaining some of the same commas that should be periods issue (albeit they are a bit more debatable in appropriateness here), would flow a bit better.

Quote: Leif smiled and thought to himself that soon he was going to have to start a collection of notes left to him after he had fallen asleep as he opened the most recent one. I think my issue with this is that elusive passive voice thing. I feel it would read better as: 'As he opened the most recent note left for him after he had fallen asleep, Leif smiled and thought to himself that he may soon need to begin a collection of such notes.' Pretty much just a little restructuring is in order, as the afterthought in this sentance was the more important message to the reader and the way it currently flows causes a stumble point for a reader.

Quote: He was nearing the end of his meal when it hit him, normally by now, especially after eating all he would be thinking about would be what he would have to drink to finish off. I'm not sure the comma is inappropriately used here, per se, but it would be stronger if you ended the sentance there and began the next. Otherwise, just as you have it is right. A dash may work there too.

Quote: He looked down at his hand, stared and studied it carefully, looking for even the slightest tremor and could find none.
A VERY well crafted sentance imo. Just flowed elegantly and delivered its powerful message with just the right degree of impact.

Quote: Leif had known he had felt different when he woke up but he didn’t expect this was why he felt so different. I get what you're saying but in all technicality, we don't really have a clearly defined 'this'. Perhaps consider putting something that encapsulates the thought behind 'this' in its place.

Quote: Leif reached in, the can was cool and consoling in his hand, he took it out and brought it near his face.
Commas that should probably be periods again. Short statement sentances are fine. They progress the reader quickly through the thoughts and if not overused won't come across as blocky and inelegant but as a crafty means to provide some variance.

Quote: He stood back, beads of water running down his face, catching in his stubble and he took a deep sigh, now that hard part was over he could put away the food. Just pointing out where the sentance should end and begin with the next.

Now... you'd think that my own works would be coming out smelling like a rose but I know all too well how hard it is to spot all this when you're reading your own work and is most difficult for SG authors as they are often editing right on the heals of writing before making public. I see many of the same (and worse) issues in my own now as I go back through. So I'm not trying to beat you down here. If it wasn't excellent already, I couldn't even begin to crit to this degree - it'd be overwhelming to try. Thus I often don't.

But it seems for we IFians, the crit bug strikes us at random and Tikky had done such a great one above that I felt compelled to offer the full service seeing as you had taken most of her critique and edited accordingly already. Really, this is such an excellent story that it is most deserving of pointing out everything I can to help.


Now then. Decision point(s). sigh... I can completely accept this fact but to me, I didn't feel there really was one. Ignacio is compelled at this point to complete his work. I can't possibly see how anyone would think it better for him to ignore his curiosity and gift here. No motive to deny it imo. A trancelike reverie is no serious impediment.

Wendy is pretty much powerless but would resist if any opportunity presents itself to do so.

And Leif... Leif is lost at the moment without a sense of urgent purpose so would need to have a sit and consider scene to find some direction.

That said, I don't feel the story lacks to have a flat DP this time around. I'm intently wishing to see what is yet to come! Keep up the excellence E!

[Emperor]

First and foremost let me say thank you for taking the time to do a crit like this, I'm not sure I would have seen those things. It just really annoys me that I still miss some really simple things even after several edits. Its like I said to Smee at one point, I think for some reason my mind just fills in what I think is right, even if it is wrong. Anyway, a great crit, of which I used much of.

Thunderbird wrote: I thought he was Lux - you were saying Lix in this chapter...

He did call himself Lux and I did call him Lix - or should I say the master that Tetra serves called him Lix.

Thunderbird wrote: Perhaps 'having no other real choice but either the coffee table in front of her or the floor opposite the couch.' might be a bit smoother.

I had edited this particular sentence several times even before you pointed this out, of which I am grateful for your suggestion works very well.

Thunderbird wrote: I'd probably just take out the second 'of her head'. Maybe try to find another verb to replace the second 'shake' though not to allow the statement to become confusing.

Had a hard time restructuring this one, was the solution better or worse?

Emperor wrote: “Be careful with that one Lee, he is dangerous.”

I just thought I would point out why I didn't change this. ** Which by the way is not to say that I am questioning the critque -- simply putting an opinion out there ** I didn't change this one because when someone is speaking, it's not necessary to use proper grammar or comma placement. If that's how they speak, if that is where they pause then that is fine. But also note that Thunder pointed out something earlier on that was quoted but I did fix. I note this because an author should use this opinion on speaking and grammar as a crutch for bad writing -- some things just need all out fixing.

Thunderbird wrote: I think my issue with this is that elusive passive voice thing.

I completely agree and am completely guilty, I often struggle with the aspect of "show don't tell".

Thunderbird wrote: but I know all too well how hard it is to spot all this when you're reading your own work

I am especially blind and guilty of this.

Thunderbird wrote: So I'm not trying to beat you down here.

No worries Thunder, I know that you are just trying to make the story the best it can be.

[Thunderbird]

Emperor wrote: First and foremost let me say thank you for taking the time to do a crit like this, I'm not sure I would have seen those things.
No problem :)
Quote: It just really annoys me that I still miss some really simple things even after several edits. Its like I said to Smee at one point, I think for some reason my mind just fills in what I think is right, even if it is wrong. I think just about every IFian can relate. I personally know exactly how you feel there. Its frustrating and I actually start really downing myself and getting literally furious with myself for missing what, only once I see it, seems so obvious! I do the same with math, especially the beyond algebra 1 stuff. Its becoming apparent that just practice can patch up those mental hole spots and they must be internally forgiven to see much progress on. (Not that I find that too easy though - I expect perfection of myself dammit! :lol: )

Quote: Thunderbird wrote: Perhaps 'having no other real choice but either the coffee table in front of her or the floor opposite the couch.' might be a bit smoother.

I had edited this particular sentence several times even before you pointed this out, of which I am grateful for your suggestion works very well.
Again... that kind of thing happens to me all the time as well.

Quote: Thunderbird wrote: I'd probably just take out the second 'of her head'. Maybe try to find another verb to replace the second 'shake' though not to allow the statement to become confusing.
Had a hard time restructuring this one, was the solution better or worse?
Its better and its grammatically sound. There's something perhaps uncomfortable in the current means of delivering the thought, but I know how that goes. Its to the point where I'd say leave it and take another look at that spot during a much later edit.

Quote: Emperor wrote: “Be careful with that one Lee, he is dangerous.”

I just thought I would point out why I didn't change this. ** Which by the way is not to say that I am questioning the critque -- simply putting an opinion out there ** I didn't change this one because when someone is speaking, it's not necessary to use proper grammar or comma placement. If that's how they speak, if that is where they pause then that is fine. But also note that Thunder pointed out something earlier on that was quoted but I did fix. I note this because an author should use this opinion on speaking and grammar as a crutch for bad writing -- some things just need all out fixing.
I know exactly what you're saying. You can do whatever you wish to a character's speech pattern. I guess I just pointed it out again there because its a prolific issue with the author's speech pattern so it warranted you giving it another consideration. Nevertheless, I'd be shocked if a thorough crit were 100% adopted - I tend to find that in many crits I've received, I find notes where I also feel the reader may have not considered why I wrote it 'that way' before offering the basic grammatical feedback. So I'm with ya there.

Quote: Thunderbird wrote: I think my issue with this is that elusive passive voice thing.

I completely agree and am completely guilty, I often struggle with the aspect of "show don't tell". I don't think that's what I mean. It has more to do with properly identifying the subject of the sentance and structuring the sentance around it - Crunchy or HEH could offer more definition to that.

Quote: Thunderbird wrote: but I know all too well how hard it is to spot all this when you're reading your own work

I am especially blind and guilty of this.
No moreso than I, my friend! ;) Another thing that helps is offering such crits to others. It aids you in that 'practice' I was talking about.

Quote: Thunderbird wrote: So I'm not trying to beat you down here.

No worries Thunder, I know that you are just trying to make the story the best it can be. [/quote]Indeed, it is a show of the highest respect that I felt compelled to offer such an in depth crit. If this doesn't go to print someday, I'd be sorely dissapointed! I feel that about a lot of IF tales... but this one has something I'm very envious of and I'm still trying to identify it. Perhaps its the mature mind behind the authoring and how you weave the plot as a result. There's something very personal, I feel, in this tale for you and it shines through the work quite brightly, all 'crits' aside.

[PopeAlessandrosXVIII]

*Looks around* We're polling here....

[Thunderbird]

Ya gotta post that you're polling, E! I'da been upset if Pope hadn'ta bumped it for us ;)

[Emperor]

huh? what did I do wrong?

[Thunderbird]

Nothing really, just that you didn't post a message here to let us know you were polling. I'm just asking you to do so so I don't miss you polling! lol

[Emperor]

ahhhh, sorry about that.