City of IF

Dracanos · Joined: 22 Jun 2011 Posts: 10

The night was dark, and the Fall was warm. Chistopher was doing some last minute farming for his family to eat, and mabye give some of the food to his king. He was a noble of a man always making time for his family and friends that lived around him. He was well known for his swordsmen ship skills and the way he carried him self around the time of confict with the fact of knowing that he was going to be needed, in the future. The king was known for his extreme cruelity and his hunger for war. This is the story of his time of triumphent battles adn victoies, but there is a twist in all of this. But you will have to read on to figure out what his tale is in all of this. What is to happen to this king and one man who was to bring to this time of war and conflict to an end.

Andolyn · Posted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 5:25 pm Post subject:

i really like this! welcome to If!

this was a lot shorter than a typical chapter, but i'm assuming it's just a prologue for more to come. also, when you do write a longer chapter, make sure to put spaces between paragraphs...it's sort of a pet peeve around here & a mistake i made myself at first. ;)

i loved the simplicity of the sentence structure, yet the descriptive power behind the words. keep up the great work, and again, welcome to If!! =)

Guest · Posted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 9:39 pm Post subject:

It's good!! ;) Hope you write some more, and enjoy it here! :D

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

Hey there and welcome to IF!!

I thought it was a good prologue, but its been some time since I did a critique, so I'll go ahead now.

Quote: The night was long and dark and the moon was barely coming over the trees as the beams of light danced off the pond next to the house.

A good first sentence, but you're missing a word. I've put it in there in red. Also, the last few words should read "next to a house. This is a basic rule, and I guess you already knew that and this was merely an oversight.

Quote: Do to the sleep that he was lacking from the night before.

I really don't understand this sentence. Im pretty sure the first word is incorrect though.

Quote: The war was over for him in his mind but the moment still lived on in his thoughts.

I don't understand this as well. If the war was over in his mind, it wouldn't be in his thoughts. I think it should be written like this:

"The war was over, but it still lived on in his thoughts", though I wouldn't end the sentence there. I would add a bit more description.

Quote: Looking out the window he could see an open field that he was thinking about tending to when the next chance he had.

A typo there, and the last few words could be rewritten to read " when he had his next chance."

Your present ending doesn't look like its grammatically right, but I'm just not able to put my fingert on WHAT the mistake is.

Quote: The stars hung high in the heavens as he turned his head to a chair and looked at it for a couple [color]of[/color] moments. He studied it as the wind picked up pace and bent the treetops,causing a creaking sound. The room was littered with war trophies from his past as he glanced back to the window as if time had stood still for a moment or two.

I just changed a bit of the paragraph, and I really don't understand the last sentence. I will need some more description there.

Quote: He knew that he had to get to bed soon, for he realized the fact that dawn [color]was not far away[/color]. The grass near his house had fresh wagon and horse tracks [color]on it[/color]. He turned and began to head towards the chair to have a seat.

That's all I guess. I recommend you change "dawn was coming soon", to what I wrote, because the repitition of the word soon is a bit bugging there.

Okay, I'm done with the crit, but you should know that I went through your paragraph with a fine tooth comb, and encompassed even the tiniest mistake in my critique. That being said, I really think you have a good potential for becoming a great author, if you work on adding more descriptions. We have only a very vague idea of where our protag is, and we know nothing about our protag except his name.

While it is important not to give too much away in the first paragraph, we must be carefull not to give away too little. So next chapter, work on your character and place descriptions.

I enjoyed reading your work though. Keep it up!!

Vikas Muralidharan · Joined: 29 Aug 2010 Posts: 600

Welcome to IF!

I thought this was pretty good. Of course, there are a few typos and grammatical errors here and there, but my brother has already mentioned them. Id suggest you edit this chapter and make sure that there are no typos and grammatical errors.

Have fun writing!!!

HalfEmptyHero · Posted: Thu Jun 23, 2011 7:37 am Post subject:

Vishal Muralidharan wrote: Hey there and welcome to IF!!

I thought it was a good prologue, but its been some time since I did a critique, so I'll go ahead now.

Quote: The night was long and dark and the moon was barely coming over the trees as the beams of light danced off the pond next to the house.

A good first sentence, but you're missing a word. I've put it in there in red. Also, the last few words should read "next to a house. This is a basic rule, and I guess you already knew that and this was merely an oversight.

That is completely false! There is nothing wrong with using the definite article here, and I actually prefer it over the indefinite.

Now I will add to Vishal's critique.

Quote: The night was long and dark the moon was barely coming over the trees as the beams of light danced off the pond next to the house. The trees swayed back and forth as Logan looked out his window. You are using "as" too much, and it doesn't sound good. I would suggest rewriting one of the sentences, or at least replacing on of the "as" with "while" or something similar.

Quote: Do to the sleep that he was lacking from the night before. This should be "Due to" however this is a fragment and not a complete sentence anyways.

Quote: The room was littered with war trophies from his past as he glanced back to the window as if time had stood still for a moment or two.
There's a few problems with this sentence, your constant use of "as" is one of them. The main problem is the sentence's meaning. As you wrote it, it means that the trophies only exist while the man is glancing to the window. I suggest something like this. Quote: The room was littered with war trophies from his past, and as he glanced back at the window, time seemed to stand still You should also go further into detail about the past; you opened it up and went nowhere with it. Not too in depth, but just a taste to reel in the reader. Depth can come later. You seem to do that multiple times as well, such as when talking about the wagon tracks.

All in all, not too bad. I have seen far, far worse. And welcome to IF.

Thunderbird · Posted: Thu Jun 23, 2011 8:16 am Post subject:

I'm not going to say good or bad, but it was short. Looking forward to more from you. Welcome to IF Dracos! We'll be watching...

Dracanos · Joined: 22 Jun 2011 Posts: 10

I can do you one better I am currently working on a novel that I am having difficulty in trying to get over my writters block with the next chapter, but I am going to put it on here and you guys let me know what you think.

Dracanos · Joined: 22 Jun 2011 Posts: 10

The farmer

It was spring and Chistopher was just starting his garden. His family was just starting to grow with it came alot of bounties. Such as more crops, and harvest when fall came around. Chistopher looked around for a moment as he noticed that his land was all tilled up. The only thing that he had to do now was to start planting his seeds, his wife washing his clothing by the river bed next to their home. Night was coming soon, and the stars were starting to show them selves as the sweat dropped from his brow, as he looked around the field. As he lifted his arms to wipe the sweat away, he looked down to see a single rain drop stain on the ground. His wife was humming a sweet tune as she labored her way through the washing of his clothes as she new that he would need them the upcoming day. As the night drew closer his wife was just finishing up his clothes, she looked around in the forest to see the animals at play and noticing that they to were taking care of their young ones as she would have to return and tend to. Soon they would have enough help around the house for every chore to be filled. Again Chistopher looking at his tilled field as more water stains appeared slowly. Chistopher knew that he was going to have to start planting soon. But for now he would have to take a break for now that he had finished till, it was time that he went back to the house to see how his daughter was doing, as she was taking care of the new found baby that Chistopher and his wife had.

His wife making her way back slowly to the house finally broke through the wood line in view of Chistopher. Chistopher glanced over to her not realizing that she had his clothing in hand and seeing that it was all done, it was to hang up the laundry for it to dry out, but now since it was begining to sprinkle outside and the rain drops kept falling down onto the land around them and the stars were starting to become less visible. Chistopher looked at her, she smiled softly at him in a way that would make a knight blush, and he knew that she loved him. Chistopher could not help but smile back at her, as his eyes seemed to zoom in on her's the blue that shined in the drops of rain hit the ground. The fact of every thing that was going on around them seemed to be oblivious as the troops that were gorwing outside of their kingdom. What were they to do, what thoughts were going through the kings mind as conflict was growing close to their gates.

Mean while back at the castle King Damien was having troubles of his own as he was looking at new kingdoms to conquer as he wanted his kingdom to grow. The fact remained that he to had limitaions of his reach. His men started to grow more hungry with power and blood shed with every passing day and even on occasion found themselves theiving and causing trouble with the local populace with in the kings city walls. The king knew all to well what was to happen if he did not find war to wage, or if there were no statues that were to be inplaced. He had to think long and hard for the fact that his men, soldiers, kinghts, and his Barons started to grow ever more hungry with every passing day. What has to be placed and security measures that need to be emplaced. But the one thing that the king had in mind was really taking the port city of Ishmairta, the trade from the city alone would be more than enough to cover any war expense that he had for future wars. His eyes were ruby red for the lust of taking for this port city of Ishmairta.

His advisors were also hungry for blood and lust of the capturing of the port city, the funds that it would bring to the kingdom would pay for the costs of maintaining the army that the king had. But the real thing was that he had to bulster his troops once again, and get them to do as he wished, and maintain the disapline that they all needed. His eye's red of envy for the people that were under his rule was some thing that need to be tested for the fact that most of them were not only to be tested and proven on the battle ground but he wanted them all to have the blood hungry lust as he did. In the kings past to bring himself to power he had to conquer the kingdom that he now rules.

Going back to the house that sat on the edge of the kingdom Chistopher was kissing his wife, so softly as though there was not a time or moment in history that was ever going to remember this kiss. His wife shuttered under his touch as he held her close to him as if it was going to be the last time that they would ever see each other again. Chistopher looked into Shasha's eyes as the fire light struck them, as though the dancing fire in the fire place played a major part in the blue eyes that she had. The twinkle that shined brightly from her eyes was like that ofa fading star in the heavens. Chistopher charished those moments that he had with her. Every moment to him was like a fleeting moment in time that it might be the last.

The rain that was dropping so faintly on the roof of the couples home could be heard, with a light pitter patter of every drop. The fire burnig in the little home shown through the window as a shadow of life flickering in the darkness. Not knowning to them that the kings men had ravaged the village not far from them. Chistopher's hazel eyes, looked into her as though that they had not seen true beauty in a life time, and the three children that lay asleep now in their beds, from the countless times that Shasha and Chistopher had given life too.

They both went to bed holding each other closely as their eyes grew heavy and slept all that night. The Kings men camped in the wood line, fires burning brightly for the heavens to see, as they bragged and talked about ravaging a helpless village. The deer, goats, and pigs that they slaughtered to eat that night had been raised off the sweat and blood of the village now littered young and old alike in the streets, send mass panic to the people that would stop in there to get their goods. The soldiers still bragging by the camp fire talking about how many different ways they slayed them and how they raised their arms in panic before getting cut down as if fields of barely. Their swords still stained with the blood of the innocent on them, and blood from the animals that they had slaughtered for the food that now filled their stomachs.

The rain began to come down more heavily as though that the gods above were crying for the losses of life in the small village of cammil. The rain was starting to come down heavier now, the embers of the ongoing fire in the camp that was just outside of Chistopher's home. The sizzling sounds sent off an erie sound as if it was the demons of that worlds hisses. The Soldiers now slowly starting to fall asleep as they talks of blood shed were over and the thoughts of moving on, for the Baron of that county. The Baron of that county was known not for his hospitality but for his hunger for blood shed for the young and the old. His herium of young girl that he had stowed in a tower, that he would oh, so very often visit to apease his unearthly desires to. No one had actually seen him, but only knew of the extreme cruelty that he could inflict if he was not given some sort of tribute, such as a girl from every village that he swore an oath to protect.

The dreams that were entering Chistopher's mind were disturbing at the most of a war coming soon, and it not being a good one. The visions of people fleeing out of fear and being cut down by the kings men. The food that he was providing for the king, was a fuel that was making it all possible. In his dream his wife became under the sword of the kings men, and the thought of it happening was far from real,a nd he dreamt, oh did he dream. The blood shed that was being spilled in his dream was not that of one from battles but was that from the innocent that had paid dearly with their lives for standing up for what they believed in. The dream continued on as the nightmare had taken a turn for the worse as he dreamt of his wife being raped and cut open by the kings men, for the fact that she fought back to get away, and he found himself in his dream watching on a cross as they murdered his children,a nd finally after being down with his wife, burnt her alive in their own home, raising his crops, to make it seem that he was not paying tribute to the king. Chistopher opened his eyes, to see his wife, fast asleep smiling softly as she wrapped her arms around him to bring him closer to her. He smiled a little bit and wrapped his arms around her, and pulled her close to him with out disturbing her from her rest, for if she was having a great dream, then let her have it. His eyes now focused on the ceiling as they laid there, his wife fast asleep, holding him close to her. His eyes were now starting to become heavy once again, taking a glance out side the window of the bedroom, the rain still hitting the window. Making that erie sound as he stared out side. The fact still remained that there were still alot of chores that had to be done the next day.

He eyes more focused now on the rain drops hitting the window as he stared into the darkness with every drop hitting his window every few moments to break his eye hold on the darkness. His thoughts gathering every moment as he looked out side his home, thinking about the times that they had spent making their home happy. Every moment that he had blinked his Hazel eyes, flashes of thoughts and dreams came running to him as the time where his wife and him first met. As he was begining to relive that moment in his life, his wife pulled him closer to her, making him turn his head eyes rotating around the room. Only locking on to her as she sleep, but there was no smile this time but a cold fact that some thing in her dream turned bad. Bringing his righ hand across his body, using his fingers to brush some of the hair that fell in front of her face in a breif moment of stirring in her sleep. The fright that was on her face was no gone and returning was a smile and her head snuggling, up closer to his chest. Chistopher brushed his fingers through her hair a few more times while thinking about how much that he had owed her, from pulling him away from what he used to do.

He stopped brushing her hair for a moment only to look back at the darkness of the out doors and the rain hitting the window. He began to think about what this season of harvest was going to bring and if it would be enough to feed the kings army, not to mention his own family. His thoughts weighed deep on his mind as his eye's grew heavier. The moments started to slow down more as his eye's blinked more slowly until the moment where he could not open them again, as he was moving quickly to the dream that he had been waiting for.

Dracanos · Joined: 22 Jun 2011 Posts: 10

Fuels of war

The rooster began crowing, as the sun began to rise on Chistopher's farm land. The first thing that happened was he opened his eyes slowly, only to notice that the wife was not next to him. Getting ready to get up, he heard a scream coming from out side. He quickly sprung from his head, his feet barely touching the floor as he was running towards the front door, only seconds before making it there, grabbing his sword that was just over the over hang of the door way. Glancing to his left he saw that his barn was on fire, the filed in a deep crimson color as the burning embers grew brighter, as the fire burned higher, the wienneing of the horse faint as the smoke clogged their lung if they had not been slaughtered before hand. Again a scream coming from the forest. He began to run, noticing in all the darkness as the sun was begining to rise, the burning barn setting a heavy gleem, only to see his wife running, at him in a paniced sprint trying to break the forest line with their baby in her hands. Not to far behind her were the chants and calls of soldiers chasing after her.

Breaking free and gaining ground running past Chistopher. Shasha Panted to get the words out, "The Kings men are here, you was sleeping so I thought I would take the babe......" Taking another breath, deep and long after running a long distance. "To a bath when I heard the cries from our horses, and I couldn't help but scream when a man came out and touched me by the river." Chistopher's eyes focused on the men coming from the forest listen to his wife's words with a heavy heart not knowing that this was ever to happen to him and his family. This made him angry, asking himself why, why would the king do this unless his men went rouge. The soldiers chaged at Chistopher with out saying a word, locking swords like a fairy tale dance. Chistopher's sword gleemed with ruby red blood with every soldier that he cut down, the spray that came out of every soldier was that hit his field, under tha dancing fire light and the rising sun. Bringing his sword down slightly to catch his breath, looking at the ground at the bodies that lied lifeless. The ruby's that fell off his sword dropping one at a time into the ground lying on the top of the soil as it was already soaked with rain from that night. His sword with the fire gleeming and dancing off it seemed almost unnatural as it was not a sword that was made in Kar'roth. This sword was sharper than any sword that any of these soldier's had ever seen. The length of the sword was no longer than that of a short sword but lengthened in the darkness as it was dark itself. The ruby's that still dripped from the sword were also unnatural, for the fact that no sword not even their stayed clean as if it was cleaning itself, but for that fact the sword was also shaped different as the angle of the sword itself was made to let the blood free flow from the blsde it self to slice through hard objects with a single blow.

Chistopher's eye's now dancing in the firelight as the sun came up a little more, his hazel eyes looked more fightening now than they had before, with the blood soaked clothing that he had on from cutting down the soldier like a fine barely that he would grow in his field. Hearing a muffled scream Chistopher turned quickly to see only the hilt of a sword, strike him in the head, blacking out and falling to the ground. The last thing that he saw before completely blacking out was his baby being torn from his wife's arms.

Waking up Chistopher found him self with a major headache with blurry vision, on seeing that there was alot of fire light, around him and his home. Screams could be heard, making his vision clear quickly looking in front in front of him, seeing that his wife naked on the ground, their baby, put on a spit, as a soldier laughed and turned it. His wife screaming for Chistopher's help. He eyes narrowed seeing what was happening was only enraging him further. He screamed on the top of his lungs wihich in turn made him fight even harder only finding that he could not move. Helpless as he had to watch, his eyes closing faster and more briskly as the soldiers ravaged his wife. Still fighting to break free from his bindings, the bindings rubbing into his skin on his wrists. He noticed a small figure by the wood pile. Looking more closely it was his son's leg coming from behind the wood pile. Angered even more Twisting and turning his wrists and arms to break free. The skin finally broke on his arms, letting the blood flow down from his bindings to his arms. His wife no longer screaming but laying their lifeless. Tears rushing to his eyes, as they put their clothes back on their bodies and carried her into the house, where they turned and laughed pointing at Chistopher. The torches that sat near the spit where their baby now burnt to a crisp, and pieces of the babe spilled all over the ground, the soldier that had been tending to it, poked at the burnt flesh of the babe to see if it was still pink on the inside. But nothing charcoaled all the way through.

Only to glance over to see his wifes lifeless body now laying on the floor in the door way for all to see. The torches that layed near the spit, now thrown onto the home as it went up, the sun now begining to show it's face. One soldier picking up Chistopher's sword looked at it, and then at his own sword, looking at the oddity of Chistopher's sword he casted it into the flames of the home. Chistopher tied to watch his life brunt away in the sun light. Trying to fight through all of his pain, watching his home brurning and witnessing his brutal slaying of his family, Chistopher found himself blacking out once again.

Mean while The king had finally devissed a plan to conquer the city of Ishmairta. He called his council as he layed his plan out by taking troops and bringing them on four sides of the city to conquer it. The council saw this plan and gave him the go ahead as this was a great plan, that even they did not think of. The king went out and assembled his troops issuing the order to be exicuted. Giving the soldiers a chance to grow up the chain of command, by bringing the head of the fallen Govenor of that great city. The men excited that they would be going back to war, for their king raised their spirits, as he ran on about his great plan on how to take over the city. His men nodded in acknowledgement as he finished his speech, the men prepared to do what the king had asked, and there for go forward with this great and noble plan that he had thought of.

Dracanos · Joined: 22 Jun 2011 Posts: 10

Chapter 3
Three Wishes

3 days had past, Chistopher was still bound to his make shift cross. Chistopher opened his eyes slowly only to see a brilliant light before him. First thought that he had was that he was dying and was preparing to make the journey to see his wife, but it wasn't an angel it was his wife, standing before him. Touching him softly on his face giving him comfort, he knew then he was about to die. The vision was gone, Chistopher began to cry over his lost wife, and children that they had made together. Thinking about all the times that they had spent with one another making their home a happy one for their children to experiance. Only looking up to see broken timber charcoaled black, with the scares of the fire. His pain grew as he was still bound there, with blood stains on his clothing. As he was lowering his head a Shadowy fiend appeared before him. Old and nasty with hair as black as the night. Eye's glowing red as if they had been tempered in the fire stix for centuries. "I will grant you what your heart most desires, in return you give me your soul."

Chistopher thought for a moment or two before answering. "No, my wife would never forgive me." Chistopher said softly lowering his head yet again. The fiend extened his hand to him, raising his head to have him look into his crimson red eyes that were glowing more intensely now. "Your wife would want you to avange her and not sit here and weep for her, only to look at this broken home, I am offering you this as a one time offer, you can take it or leave it, with this gift I am granting you, I am willing to give you three wishes, with in the limitations of this realm." The fiend smiled showing Chistopher his snaggled teeth as a mark of the damned for not being that attractive and skin that was as pale as the moon. Chistopher again looking at this fiend thinking hard, the wishes that could be granted was a good trade off, and mabye there was a way to beat this fiend at his own game. "If you grant me revenge how about instead of having just one soul, I send you souls from the people I slay. and I will still take those three wishes if you still want to give them for this offer." Chistopher, looking past the fiends shoulder at the broken home, and the spit that was now bare, the barn that used to have the horses that helped plow his field when it was tough for him to do it himself. Also the horses that he had for his family to move back and forth from the city back to their home. The fiend thinking for a moment, and thought that instead of having a single soul to claim that every soul that was slain by Chistopher, they would be his. "DEAL, but I want this contract signed in blood." Before Christopher could speak the fiend had already re-opened his wound on his wrist and dropped it on a piece of black paper that then turned to a tainted ink, signed as if he had written it himself. "Hmmmmm, that will do." The fiend spoke, releasing Chistopher from his bindings, touching him softly healing him with his unnatural powers. "For your wishes?" The fiend spoke grinning smuggly, as he hunched over as he had made the biggest deal that had ever been made in the unnatural world.

Chistopher looked around for a moment, glancing over at the wood pile and walked over to his broken home, looking through it, and finding the remains of his sword. Melted to the floors that now were bruned remnets of of his former life. The fiend hobbled over as if he had a huge wieght on his shoulders, looking at what Chistopher was looking at, with a point of the fiends finger, the sword was begining to be recrafted, by unnatural powers. "If you say you will bring me souls of the people you slay then I will grant you one for free, as your sword was a piece of your arm, it is now a piece of who you are now. With this sword every creature, man, woman, or child you slay with this sword will bring me their souls." The fiend smirked as the sword glowed a fireiry red color as if it was building recrafted by an unseen forge. As Christopher watched his sword. As it was slowly becoming the sword from it's former glory. But the tint of the blade itself was now darker than it had been before. That it was almost of the blackness that was only spoken about in old folk lores when the moon never raised in the heavens. It also had flames on the sides of it, as if they had been forged and skill crafted into it. Chistopher turned to the fiend, "I want a steed that no one has ever seen before."

The Fiend looked at Christopher and with a smirk from his jagged teeth, "Your wish is my command slayer of souls." The sun was now drowned out with black clouds, the lighting that appeared in the darkness of the clouds looked unholy and unnatural in all aspects of the word. Christopher hold his sword in hand, now did feel the ground shake. He looked around, as this feind was humming some thing that he could not make out, but as he looked, the armor, the flesh every thing that was dead or dying was stripped from all of it's former self. The bones of the soldiers, now grew larger in shape. They began to craft some thing huge and what looked unnatural, and remembering what the feind said that he would grant him any wish that his heart desired as long as it was with in the limitaions of this realm, But what was he creating. The legs of this creature were now finshed and the feind was still creating it, the flashes of light from the clouds, sparked brighter as more was being put into this creation, or abbomination.

Now the body was being used from the horses bones that were from inside of the barn, where their spines intertwined with one another creating what appeared to be a huge spine itself, never seening this before, and noticing the the hip bone of this creation was similar to that of, a bear where it could stand on it's hind legs if it so choosed. The spine grew larger and larger, as it grew the spines, tail bone so to speak grew longer than that of any thing that he had seen before. What was this, that this feind was creating, again the thoughts were racing through out his mind. Next being created was the rib cage of this beast Which was larger than he had ever seen on any animal. This part of what ever the feind was creating, came from Christophers bone yard from all the animals that he had killed and brought back as food for his family. As the Rib cage was set into place, this creature, or steed that this feind was creating was some thing that even he had never seen before.

The arms which also in turn looked as if they were another set of legs, set into a place that was similar to a bears collar bone, which seemed to be really odd, was he making a over sized bear steed for him. No, the spine it self was to long, and with it from where the ribs sat there was a elongated neck. What was it, the feind still focused, and hummed harder, as the more difficult parts were about to come.The front set of arm like legs, were made from his baby and son, twisted and turned, in a slightly evil way, but as the bones began to come together more closely, Christopher had noticed some thing different, the bone were now getting muscle tissue, the thickest strands of muscle in nothing that he had every seen before, making his head tilt kind of in a way to see what was going on. The tissues inside of this giant of a creation were being created as the arm like legs were finished. Christopher had notice what ever this thing was had three lungs. The muscle, and organs that were growing faster around this creation began to now look more odd, with the tight interweavens, of that of a bear, and a badger. But what really threw Christopher off, was the fact that the bones from ducks, goose, and grouse were used as well, and they in turn formed wings on what ever this abomination that this feind was creating now.

The loud thumps that were shaking the ground were coming from inside of this creature what ever it was. The one thing that really threw Christopher off was the creation of the head. Deer antlers were used, Bear heads were also used, all coming from the bone yard that he had buried to keep animals away from his home were now going into the creation of this abomination. Forming one massive head slowly moving its way to the top of the neck as it would have appeared. The teeth that were in this skull looked almost like the teeth from a snake. But there were more of them, and they were tucked up inside of the joaw line as if to look as if it was not a flesh eater. The antlers that were being crafted into this abomination turning into larger greater horns, three to be exact. One on the very top of the nose, or was it a nose, it looked almost like a beak, and two on top of the head twirling and spiraling as such he had never seen before. Curving out ward and then back in ward rising high above it's skull. The thumps got more intense as so did the lightning. The flashes even more brighter than they had been previously. Christopher noticed that this wife's pendeant that she had worn always was missing, and as he looked for it not paying attention to what this feind was doing now, caught a glance that with in the rib cage every time the muscle expanded, he saw the pendeant. He quickly looked over to the house and the bones of his wife were gone, the charcoaled flesh that was burnt into the timber was no more, as if the feind had taken her body up as well, and casted her coil into this creature. As soon as Christopher raised his hand in anger some thing else caught his eye.

The falshes of light were now reflecting off of some thing, and he glance over out of the corner of his eye, and wittnessed the skin of this abomination, it was not like fish scales or any thing like lizard skin, nor was it similar to that of snake skin. Minus the fact that it was very shiny as fish scales, was as corse as Lizard skin as well, and had many of the same shapes as snake skin. Re-focused now, on what this feind had done to his wife, he raised his arm again. Only to find him self pinned to the ground by a massive leg, with talon like claws, the smell of fire and brimstone casted out and blew against his hair as the feind spoke cracking his back, "Your steed is now ready for you. It will only do as you order it to, and I have granted you yet another free gift, you can talk to it with out even speaking a word, so that when and if you are in danger your steed will hear you no matter where it is at."

Chirtopher not really impressed with what this feind was saying but then began to hear what sounded like hymes that his wife would hum. It was coming from this animal that now had him pinned to the ground. "For your second wish Christopher?" The feind hissed as the clouds were still dark, with flashes of light still gleaming down from the heavens. Christopher laying on the ground thinking for a moment as he was pinned under this thing thought of only having the ability of having faster reflexes as to that he could feel in an way if some thing that was about to happen, he could possibly avoid until the moment where he could at least defend himself a little better when times got tougher, and also being able to have some what eyes in the back of his head, remembering how he was knocked unconcious from a blow that had come from behind him.

"For my second wish feind is I wish to be faster and be more perseptive on my surrounding in any given situation that may be thrown at me." Christopher spoke with breaths leaving his body, as this thing let pressure off from him. Not knowing what it was yet. The feind smiled in a grim matter, and with christopher glancing up at this feind. Just sensing some thing more horrible was about to happen as he looked in the feinds eyes.

"As you wish great soul stealer." The feind hissed as his eyes grew brighter and brighter. Christopers hazel eye's now bruned with an extreme intensity, as his he felt his body being jolted with some thing that he had or could only describe from his younger days as a warrior. He muscles seized for brief and painful moments feeling a new type of awarenss come about him, opening his eyes looking back into the feinds eyes. He could see the thousands of souls that this creature had made deals with all yelling at him, asking him what he had done in a sort of body language. He then heard the beating of the massive heart so loud in his ears, hearing even the pumping of blood being pressed through this creatures heart was deafing. Still coming from the beast that still rested it's huge talon like claws on him. The feind grinning more now that he had only one wish left. The lighting in the heavens grew brighter now as for the fact that the feind was pulling some sort of magic or what ever he was doing from some place darker.

"And for your last wish, Christopher?" The feind hissed once more looking down at him, with a piercing gaze and the flashes of light the streaked across the sky, only showing a black siluette and crimson red eyes from the darkness.

"I want shared sight with any creature that I touch." Christopher spoke as he had thought long and hard for a moment while being pinned to the ground.

The feind looked at Christopher, "Your wish is my command slayer of souls." The feind stepped closer to Christopher as he layed one hand on him, again Chistopher's hazel eyes burned yet again. And as they were burning he had heard the words, "I leave you with this Christopher slayer of souls, this world is not what you see it as now, but there is much turmoil in it, and the souls are resting uneasy as it stays this way. I have picked you as a harbengier for tasks you do not know of yet, to put these souls to rest, and your goal is a large one. Be weary of people you meet and come across, because the path you walk now is a dark, one and I will be watching from my throne."

As Christopher opened his eyes the feind was gone. The pressure from his body being pinned to the ground now lifeted. His sword laid just before him, tainted black and funn of vengence. He glanced up only to see what could only be described in fairy tails as such, when he was a little boy. What stood before him, was a Dragon as if it was painted black, like that of the darkest night, and it's eye's a fireiry red color. It's wings massive and strong, the body was covered from head to toe with a thick kind of skin as of the likes he had never seen before. He touched the dragon, and in a instant his sight was no longer his own but it was his steeds. The piercing glare of this animal shot right through Christopher as if he was not even there. The Dragon looked up towards the sky, and christopher then say the miracle of lightning in a whole new manner as it shimmered across the sky in a new seeting, it was no long some thing that he took for granted any more. The time had come for the vengance of his wife and to take the fight to the people that had raped his home, and then burnt it to the ground, it was time for him to go after this king. He released his touch and his sight came back to him, and the dragon looked down on him. "Sasha will be your name great and noble dragon." Christopher spoke.

Andolyn · Posted: Thu Jun 23, 2011 8:10 pm Post subject:

woah, woah, woah, dear. slow it down a bit. ;) for a Story Game, you post a chapter, then people comment to tell you what they think should happen next, you post a poll of all the options & we vote, then you write the next chapter based on what the vote says. dont worry, this was new to me when i got here too. =)

if you'd like to keep posting it this way, we could move it over to Linear Lane. that's for non SG stories.

Dracanos · Joined: 22 Jun 2011 Posts: 10

The Chest Plate

Chistopher then mounted this great horned black dragon and thought for a few moments as to where his first place to go was, and he had to think long and hard for the fact that the time had come to gather all of his old equipment from his past. The first though that he had was to head out to get his chest plate that had served him well during times of need so that would be the best thing to get for the moment. With out a second thought his steed took off to the sky heading in the direction of Garsome wood. The steeds wing spread wide open, and with one push downward with these massive wings, they took to the sky. The heavy falpping of the wings rocked the ground sending up a huge dust cloud as if there was a huge down draft that he had seen so many times when the clouds were over head. Before he realized it, they were many feet in the air, and he was looking down at a broken piece of land that was scarred from the event's of prior days, and the memories that filled his mind at that moment made him almost wheap.

As the dragon was traveling Christopher had other memories flood into his mind. Going back to the time where he was last in Garsome wood. The thoughts had flooded in as if there was a huge tidal wave.

"Christopher, wake up." Falvon spoke, nugding at him with the bow that he had carried. Christopher slowly opened his eyes, to see this young man, that barely broke the age of 19. His green eyes would always give him away, but it was his long blonde hair that he was picked on about.

"Flavon leave him alone, we have been traveling for days, and he needs his rest. Shit man, I thought I had told you that before when a man sleeps, let him sleep." Striker spoke with a little anger in his voice. A well rounded person who had been with Christopher for a long time. Striker no older than 41 focused on driving the wagon that had them all inside of it. His hair was a very jet black, and was balding, but not a true person to mess with when it came to the sword. His sword dangled to his side as if it were apart of him and always be with in reach no matter where or what he was doing.

"It is okay Striker, he is about as naggy as my blonde wife, she is always trying to wake me up for some thing. She is always complaining that I never do enough around the house." Spoke bowman in a jokingly voice pointing out to Flavon, who was not entirely impressed. As the cart road on, hitting small stones and roots that had some how grown into the road they were traveling. "Speaking of the wife she really has not put out that much any more." Starring at Flavon, with a long grin. If there was any body around that loved to joke around that would have to so be Bowman, he always had some thing smart to say even if no one really liked it.

"Flavon! You know that the man has had alot to drink, and you know that he has to sleep it off before we get to Garsome wood, and fight for that little piece of worthlessness." Snapped Casterson, which was also getting on Flavons case. "Do some thing that you are good at and start making some Arrows, we have many of the blunt arrows that still need tips. From what I heard from Christopher from when we left Whay, we are going to be heading into a fight that we will never forget." Again speaking to Flavon. Casterson, was a mild tempered man but when it came to some thing important, he always thought of what needed and had to be done first.

"All of you be quite we are getting close to Garsome wood, and I do not want to alert the enemy of our presence." Sir Thomas spoke trying to whisper but not working out that well to his advantage. He was the only noble that the king had attached to the group of men. Even though they really did not need an extra man. The king still made the over all desicion on who was going on this movement to protect the kingdom. The raiders of the far lands of Garveinsdale, were on the move and the king knew, it so he wanted the most experianced people to head out and keep these menaces off the land. "About time you woke up any ways Christopher, I know you are the leader of this party of rabble, but you are going to have to do as I say while I am here." He spoke again. He was a very knowledgable person for his age. But not so much as Striker. Again the cart bumped and grinded against the road. The cart jumped a little bit as they were getting closer.

Christopher was starting to sit up when there was a very large sounding Clank. Sir Thomas's head sank back, as an arrow just came into view of Christopher. The arrow was true, and every one was looking around and did not see any thing. Every one knew know being on the cart might have been a bad idea. Again the sound of zinging arrows buzzing over head made the horse panic and it took off in a straight gallop for the wood, that was getting closer and closer.

"There is Bowman, Flavon, notch your arrow and take him out."
Screamed Striker who was afraid of getting struck by the next arrow. He hated the fact that arrow were apart of warfare now, since he was more of a person the get more personal with every one that he came in contact with. He had lead a very interesting life and managed to stay alive for 41 years. His wrinkly face could use a shave but not from an arrow, and it was some thing that every one would want to happen.

Flavon and Bowman both stood tall for only a moment as they let loose two arrow, at the person that had shot and killed Sir Thomas. Both shots were true as the assialent fell to the ground, Garsome wood got closer now, and the battle could be heard from coming inside of the forested area. The kings men had already arrived, and was laying waste to the men that were trying to come into the domain of his kingship. They were wrong, all for members of the team jumped off the wagon, running into the battle feild to only see that every one was dead or dieing, there was blood every where.

"Did we miss it?" Flavon asked looking around seeing men trying to crawl having large gash's in their bodies, both the kings men and the invaders.

"I do not know my friend there has to be more. Because there was a archer in the front of the forest. There has to be more here." Spoke striker also looking around the disarried battle feild trying to make sense of every thing. "Some of these wound are some I have never seen before." As he bent down to look at one of the Kings men, that was torn open, but not with a sword and not an axe. This was mind puzzling to Striker as he fingered at the wound trying to figure it out. Taking his other hand and scratching at his head.

Bowman looked around also trying to figure out what was going on. But again coming up just as emtpy as Striker was, and what could have done all this damage, and just not be any where in site. Even Christopher was scratching his head, looking around the battle field and noticing that the kings men out weighed the men of the invaders. "Look at this!" Casterson, hallering over to the other men, that were still pondered by the fact that a sword no an axe caused this havoc.

As they arrived to Castersons position they noticed that the invaders had all the same marks on their bodies as well, and that there was nothing in sight. "What is this? Is this some kind of Joke?" Flavon speaking in a low scared voice. You could tell that he was worried about some thing and that this was just not right in any shape or form. The people that were crawling around to break away from this unknown seige no lay there dormaint. Christopher now realizing instead of being caught up on how these men had died should have been questioning one of the survivors. From out of the darkness there was a rumble in the cave. Striker pulled his sword out quickly and pointed the blade at the blackness of the opening.

Flavon and Bowman also had arrow ready and pointed at the cave entrance. Flavons arrow having a hard time staying straight on the target ahead, and the shaking of both of his arms, from frieght were not helping, not one bit. What was he going to do if some thing had popped out of the cave that was not a normal man but a bear. Those thoughts ran heavy in Flavons mind as his arrow visited the upward angle of his forehand to the knuckle of of the same hand. The sweat was now evedent on Flavons brow, as the sweat began to slowly get into his sooting eye. The thoughts of some thing large coming out of the cave entrance began to race through his mind as he looked into it.

Christopher now focused looking into the cave sword in hand in a standard high gaurd, waiting and willing to attack any thing that came out of the cave warrented his full attention and the thoughts of what ever it was that mauled these soldiers had to be with in the cave. A resting ground for what every was in there was waiting. The darkness that was with in the entrance of the cave was unsettling and again they all waited, and willing to attack.

A mouse came bolting out of the cave entrance and the party began to laugh as they began to put away their weapons. " All of this for a little mouse" Laughing trying to get the words out as Striker chuckled as he put his sword away. Christopher looking dismayed as he began to put his sword away. and Flavon being as young as he was sweat pouring off from his brow began to find some relief, not realizing that the arrow that was notched in his bow released into the cave. There was a moment of pause when there was a soft tissue thwack, Every one once again drew their weapons focused on the cave, Bowman holding steady with his arrow notched and steady on the cave entrance.

"Are you nervous boy?" Striker said smuggly to Flavon as his great long sword was drawn again. "Mabye it was a good thing that you released your arrow when you did." Again he spoke looking back into the cave. But nothing, not a sound, not even a scream of pain. That spooked the men the most, was the fact that the sound of an arrow striking a soft target inside of the cave where the arrow could not be seen, but no sound. This brought to light a new sense of awe to the men as Christopher studied the cave some more, waiting.

"Well, you are going to have to go in there and recover your lost arrow Flavon." Christopher spoke grimiously, knowing that Flavon had to earn his way into the group since he was new. His green eyes grew wide as his eyes were fixed on the cave. Christopher knew that it was a wrong thing to say to some one so young since he was only 20 him self not much older than Flavon. But the training that he had recieved gave him more pull than any one that was in the party.

"Come on boy you released it into some thing shouldn't you go in and have a look?" Chuckled Casterson, looking into the entrance of the cave. Casterson's, blue eye's looked back for a moment or two, with his short sword and dagger out. Casterson's ability to track down just about any thing even after five or six days gave him more than an advantage on the enemy, as he was brought up by his family to track and hunt all sorts of different animals. A gifted soldier by any means, by any thing short of being able to pick up a bow and fire it or even fire it on the move and still hit what he was aiming at. But his most favorite way to take down an animal was to throw his dagger at it, and hit it at least in the throat area, and or the neck close to the spine to paralyze it.

Again all the men looked heavy into the cave before Flavon made his move into the cave. A lone soldier came out slowly into site, as it was one of the Barabains with an arrow that penetrated his chest cavity. Breathing deeply, just as the soldier collapsed, he spoke in shear terror, "Is it gone, did it run off?" As he collapsed with his last breath. Flavon looking wide eyed at this person that he had slain with out even seeing where he was at inside of the cave.

"Finally the boy busted his cherry." Striker said harassingly as he went over standing in front of the cave just in case of any suprises were left inside. But nothing, nothing at all. The cave was slient.

Looking down from the back of his steed, Christopher looked deep into the Garsome wood, and saw that the wood had expanded since the last time he had visited it. But the area was darker now, and there appeared to be no place to land his steed, so in his mind he thought for a moment to see where they could land and where he could dismount and head into the cave, that he so long ago had visited. With out a second thought the dragon turned slightly as it had seen a landing area close to where the wagon had got attacked and Sir Thomas was slain.

The twigs and branches that were on the ground had blew way with the powerful thrusts from the dragons wings. The landing was very soft, and was very reassuring to Chritopher as he dismounted from Sasha. The wood looked half dead from a battle so long ago, that it too looked as if it had seen more than it's fair share of blood shed. The ground over grown with roots, and dead branches. The ground also not as green as you would see from other forest's where you would see some of the trees covered in a sort of moss. But instead it was more of a dead wood, and the ground was fertil from the blood shed that had happened so long ago. Ten years to be exact, from the last battle that had taken place here, and the fact that it was a great hiding spot for his chest plate.

Again he found him self entering the wood, once again but not as to be in battle, but to recover his item. The forest gave off a omonious heavy sense of feeling as he stepped closer with twigs snapping under his feet. Again sword in hand, just in case some thing had made this tarnished spot it's home. He found a large root like object that had some moss growing on it, and it would be his first time using his new sword, and to find out if it had retained it's sharpness from where it was recreated by the fiend. With one stroke from the sword it some how magicily sliced through the root with effortless ease. Again striking at the other side of the root, to break it free to use it as a torch. And again after using it the first time, he would have thought he would have to sharpen it after it's use, but no. Again it went through the root, and even some of the rocks that laid there strewn on the ground before the root, this blade that he held in his hand was of the unholy making, seeing the he had cut through stone with it. As he bent down to pick up the torch there was twigs that he could hear that was being broke.

He glanced up for a moment to see what it was and there was nothing. Nothing at all, that was perplexing to him as he looked further into the wood. Again he was getting used to his new senses that were gifted to him as one of his wishes. Again the crackle of twigs under some ones feet gave way. His thoughts which would have been racing through his mind, thinking that he would be rusty in combat were at ease, and his heart beat slowly with out speeding up but slowing down. His eyes focused now where the cracking of twigs were coming from. A slender shodw was present in the back ground of the shades of the trees. "Come out slowly, and I will not hurt you but if you force my hand I will slay you quicker than your next breath." Christopher spoke calmly and steadily. The figure came into site, as he looked he was shocked. There stood before him a young woman that was barely dressed, but yet in the gown of a teal green robe. He stood there studing her for a moment to see if she was a threat, she stood before him at a five foot mabye eleven inch hieght, and looked to be about and or around the one hundred and twenty pound area. Her blue eye's caught him off gaurd for a moment as he looked more closely. She was pale in color and not to mention that she had an oddity, she had pointed ears, not rounded like normal people. "What is your name ma'am?" Christopher now standing up slowly getting the words out that were caught in his throat as he looked on her.

"My name is Elizabeth." She spoke softly to him as if not to warrent him to attack. Her eyes focused was on the clothing that he was wearing, a blood tarnished Shirt that was muddy. Pants that had looked as if he had been on his knees for a long period of time, and had also seen better days. After had seeing this she could gather that he should have never seen some of the stuff that his clothing was explaining to her. Her focus went to the build of his body as it looked as if he was a well toned person that seemed to have loved to work hard, and it showed. His chest slightly puffed out with muscle that had shown throw the shirt that was loosely fitting but the muscle had come through. His arms, rugged and stern, as the size of them would have appeared that he had tilled the earth for a long time. His hazel eye's caught her's next, seeing that his eye's focused on her as much as her's on him. Studying each other to see if one another was a threat to them. His face had a single scar on it, just on the right hand side of his face, it was long and shallow, by the looks nothing to great but she could tell right away that he had been and seen conflict. "Why are you visiting my forest, soldier?" She spoke softly to him as she studied him more closely, for his next answer.

Christopher drawn back from her beauty was more than what he was bargining for, looked at her, "I am here gathering my equipment that I have seperated for the time that I might have to come back and gather it." His words rang out with a soft touch. Sasha stepped forward now, and gentaly put it's lips to the new torch that he now held in his hand slightly raised for a moment, and kissed it with a touch of fire. The torch lit, and the sun that was hangin slightly above the sky, was now fading away slowly, as it was becoming darker, and the two stood there. She looked at him again, with a sense that he was not speaking the truth for some reason.

"Are you heading into the cave?" She asked him softly as if she had knew that he was getting ready to do. "And how is it that you have a dragon for a companion?" She took a moment and looked at the dragon that was now walking away slowly, and layig down on a patch of ground keeping a close eye on her. It's eye's glowed red even in the darking skies, as the sun was setting. She looked back at Christopher that was no longer there. She turn and found him heading for the cave, and with silent foot steps, that had moved past her with out making a sound. No crackling of twigs not even the sound of the ground giving way to his weight. Glancing down at the ground seeing that a stone where the root was once, she noticed that it was sliced in half, and it was a clean cut. There is no sword that is that sharp with in this world, and he had it in his hand, she looked to see it, and it was tinted in a darker shade than any other metal that she had ever seen.

He tilted his head slightly, "I do not know who or what you are but please do not go near the dragon, and if any thing please call her Sasha, or she might take offense to it." as his Head focused on the entrance of the cave once again.

While upon entering the cave the smell of mold filled the air, and the smeel of rotting corpses also filled the room, his eye's focused. Elizabeth came running up behind him, "Becareful in there, there are untold myths of a beast that feeds off animals resides in there and it is some thing that should not be triffled with." She spoke softly and quitley as if not to disturb some thing that rested inside of this cave. Mabye it took up residence here a while ago mabye after he had dropped off his chest plate, but it was some thing that he had to get.

The first step that he took into the cave was the most omonious do to the fact that there was little to no light with in the cave. He glanced back to see if the woman was there and she was no longer there. The smell touched his nose even more the further he stepped into the cave. The light penetrated the walls, letting off a dancing of light as he walked deeper into the cave. The light was dancing off the walls, with his shadow dancing along with the flames that danced with it. He had heard a growl coming from with in the cave that he had no idea what it was. His hand tighten around his sword as he walked further forward waiting and listening in for any thing that was there. His eyes more focused noow, than they were before, his senses were almost going out of control as he was now deeper inside of the cave the entrance nothing more than a glimpse of light of the sun setting and the shining of the armor could be seen in the distance. He was close, and there not to far from where he was standing gleemed shining eye's of some sort. There was fur that he could see or what appeared to be fur. His hand tightened more around the hilt of his sword, with his grip tightening around the sword there was a spark from the hilt that lit. He glanced down for a moment to see what it was and it was a flame at the base of the hilt. Some thing new, that his sword never had.

The object still stood before him and was blocking his approach to his chest plate. He stepped a little closer to the objest as it began to snarl now. His sword raised in a defensive posture, the torch raised slightly as the object that came into view. It looked like a wolf, but was not and it layed there on the ground satring at him. He slowly stood up, a wolf that can stand like a man, was some thing that was way off, it some thing that he had never seen before. "Why have you come to my cave, brave warrior?' The beast snarled, standing before him now. The torch light now danced off the ground giving light of bones that laid before him that split him and the beast.

"I have come for my chest plate." Christopher spoke to the beast that was blocking. The beast glanced back looking at the chest plate. Turning back to look at Christopher.

"What makes you think that I am just going to let you take it out of here?" Asked the beast once again with a partial smile as it was probably the one thing that had been feeding him for such a long period of time. Christopher raised his sword a little more to give warning to the beast that he was going to grab it wether the beast wanted him to or not. The two stood there for a breif moment sizing each other up. Another thought that Christopher had was how could a beast such as this talk. It was some thing that he had never encountered before. "I have slain more men, than I care to remember being here, I have stayed here for over fifteen years, and the fact still remains, What makes you think that I am just going to let you take this out of my cave." The snarling grew with every breath that the beast took as it stared at Christopher.

With in a moment notice the beast leap at Christopher. The torch dropped by Christopher feet as he prepared for a strike. With one blow, the beast's arm struck the ground and Christopher still stood his ground still holding his ground turning around slowly to see the beast holding his cut arm. "Who are you?" The beast spoke in fear as Christopher stepped on the beast arm, staring at him.

"I am Christopher! I have not done battle in a long time, and you are the first to taste the touch of this blade, and I ask of you if you care to live this night then flee and let me take my chest plate and I will leave." Again holding his sword in a defensive posture stareing deeply into the twinkling eyes of this beast. The blood dripped slowly off the sword as the cut was clean, the flame at the base of the sword grew brighter than it had before. The dropplets of blood hit the semi stone and dirt ground as the puff of dust had blown up from the ground from the impact of the dropplet. The beast again attacked running at Christopher this time. It's one claw thrown out in front trying to harm Christopher, as he ducked, with the fur like skin flew over his head.

His sword grip grew tighter as he rotated the sword up and at an angle to slice the other arm, of the beast off, and spun quickly around with a back stroke with his hand slicing into the beasts back, as shocked as it was, It ran out of the cave in horror, as it was bested by a mortal. Two arms laid there on the ground before Christopher as he glanced at his chest plate. It was crafted in a unique way, that it was to fit one person.

The breast of the chest plate stuck out as it would fit Christophers chest perfectly, and the way it was forged was similar to that as a very old arcane style. It was turned and formed to that person. Christopher removed his blood stained shirt to grab the breast plate and place it on him. The tails of the breast plate jetted out to it's side and back to form a rigged line for the wearer to be almost amune to slashing attacks by deflecting any attack that was in it's wearers direction. Not to mention that the breast plate gave the wearer full mobility unlike that of regular plate mail, or other such where it would limit to movements of the wearer. The other oddity of the chest plate was the fact that it had other tails that drapped down his waist line to protect his hips and part of his thighs with light leather.

Christopher slowly placed the chest plate on him by sliding it slowly over his shoulders and fastening the side straps to make it a comfortable fit. Again he was now wearing his chest plate once again. The color of it was dark, and had certain materials in it that made it harder than any other armor that you could have forged. Slowly bending down he picked up his torch and prceeded out of the cave where it had been now night fall.

The dragon still laying down in a little patch of field and the female was there next to it with a little camp fire going, with some food that was being cooked over an opne flame. Sasha was fast asleep and Elizabeth cooking a meal was some thing of comfort, but with the blood that was on his body, and face, she could tell right away what ever it was in the cave had vacated quickly from the combat that had insued from within.

Dracanos · Joined: 22 Jun 2011 Posts: 10

I am sorry about that I just got a little excited, and I am in Afghanistan right now, trying to piece together this one thing that I have going that keeps me going over here. I changed alot on the top of the page, and just added what I had. But I figured if you liked that short little thing I would show you what I have really been working on. I am sorry about that. I will wait, but I figured I would let you know that I currently have 6 chapters right now, and currently on a writters block on the 7th chapter.

Andolyn · Posted: Thu Jun 23, 2011 8:30 pm Post subject:

that's awesome! no need to apologize. like i said, i was new to the whole concept of Story Gaming too.

if you'd like to leave your chapters the way they are, it's really easy for TBird or even Tikanni to move it to the Linear section.

if you'd like to SG though, that's always fun too. it takes some practice and a lot of getting used to, but it's fun. you can read some of the ones that are up to get the idea. i highly recommend MisterBiz's work Eternia or Tikanni's work Sparkle Steps. both are excellent.

also, if you're in afghanistan, does that mean you're a soldier? or do you just live there?

Dracanos · Joined: 22 Jun 2011 Posts: 10

That is fine. I can delete them, off here, and see what you guys think. But I am thinking that I am going to have to leave chapter 2 in there though so every one can see what happens to him. I mean it is hard to make choices when you are on a make shift crusifix.

I would also be a soldier on my second deployment but in a different country, and this is one of my favorite past times, so I thougt I would run with it this time and see how far I got. I do not have a spell check on my computer so please bare with me when I use simple words, lol.

Andolyn · Posted: Thu Jun 23, 2011 8:42 pm Post subject:

well, may i offer my humblest thanks for your service. I hold our soldiers in the highest respect. I pray for your safe and timely return home. =)

Dracanos · Joined: 22 Jun 2011 Posts: 10

I want to say thank you and I have 9 more months to go, and I am trying to write a novel while I am out here and it is proving trouble some when I am always tired and getting writters block.....

Andolyn · Posted: Thu Jun 23, 2011 8:57 pm Post subject:

=) i'd say it gets a bit distracting over there.

Dracanos · Joined: 22 Jun 2011 Posts: 10

Read what I have written so far, and let me know what you think. I will take it all down and I will leave chapter one in there.

Chinaren · Posted: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:09 pm Post subject:

Hello Dracy. Good to see someone trying their hand at writing stories, I'm an old fantasy fan.

However, there are a few areas you need to look at here. I don't mean to put you off with this, just wish to give you some feedback to help you improve because, at the moment quite frankly, your writing isn't very readable.

Sorry if that comes over as harsh, and please don't feel like I'm being nasty, I just want to give you honest feedback.

All is not lost though! We all have to start somewhere, and if you keep at it you'll certainly get better! :D

Let's pick out a random paragraph and take a look...

Quote: His wife making her way back slowly to the house finally broke through the wood line in view of Chistopher. Chistopher glanced over to her not realizing that she had his clothing in hand and seeing that it was all done, it was to hang up the laundry for it to dry out, but now since it was begining to sprinkle outside and the rain drops kept falling down onto the land around them and the stars were starting to become less visible. Chistopher looked at her, she smiled softly at him in a way that would make a knight blush, and he knew that she loved him. Chistopher could not help but smile back at her, as his eyes seemed to zoom in on her's the blue that shined in the drops of rain hit the ground. The fact of every thing that was going on around them seemed to be oblivious as the troops that were gorwing outside of their kingdom. What were they to do, what thoughts were going through the kings mind as conflict was growing close to their gates

General stuff:

Not including the typos...

Okay, first of all that's one hell of a paragraph! It desperately needs splitting up.

Secondly you're repeating Christopher's name too much. There's one reference in just about every sentence relating to him. Try using 'him' or 'he' sometimes.

Thirdly: One second we're with Christopher and the next we're over and away with what the king's thinking. Whu..? :? This totally derailed my reading and I had to go back about three times to re-read until I'd figured out what had happened.

If you write in this style, which most people do, then you need to be aware of Point of View (POV). That is, you are following one character at a time, seeing what he/she sees, knowing what he/she knows. If the character doesn't know it, then the reader shouldn't know it. Of course you can then break and split to someone else who does, but these shouldn't be muddled up.

You can write in different styles to get round this 'limitation' if you like of course. Use a narrator for example, or write it as one person telling the story and including parts they found out later.

Finally, for the general stuff, you're telling a lot. There's an old rule of writing which is: 'show don't tell'. This takes a while to get your head around, but sentences such as:

Bob pulled the chair up and sat on it.

...is telling.

Hooking his leg around the chair leg, Bob pulled it underneath him to catch his bulk.

... is (not a very good) example of showing.

The reason we say do this is to make the text more enjoyable for the reader. No one likes reading lists of things, and telling makes it more like this.

Starting sentences with the name is a common 'tell' that you may be telling.

SdT is quite hard to do at first, but with practice is shall come!

Now, more detail...

Quote: Chistopher glanced over to her not realizing that she had his clothing in hand and seeing that it was all done, it was to hang up the laundry for it to dry out, but now since it was begining to sprinkle outside and the rain drops kept falling down onto the land around them and the stars were starting to become less visible.

Whoa! Have you read that sentence out loud? Try doing it in one breath! Toooo long! Needs breaking up big time. Also, frankly, it loses its way around the laundry area and becomes quite muddled.

I've been told off for 'rewriting' people's work before, but if you don't mind I'll just do it for this part, simply as an example. This is maybe how I'd write it, I'm sure you'll be able to do much better:

At first he didn't understand what she was doing, but then realized the laundry in her hand was finished. No doubt she was bringing it back before the rain grew heavier. Even now drops splattered the ground around him, the clouds above obscuring the night sky.

...like I said, I have my style and you have yours. I just wanted to back up my points.

Quote: hit the ground. The fact of every thing that was going on around them seemed to be oblivious as the troops that were gorwing outside of their kingdom.

Okay, here's the POV thing. One second we're standing in the rain in a field, the next we're looking at things that are far away and, possibly, Chris wouldn't be aware of. The way it's worded leaves the reader in a bit of doubt. Reading it again perhaps he is aware of it. Still, confusing.

Even if you do this, you need to break it up into at least a new paragraph! Also the last sentence is disjointed and needs rewording.

Quote: What were they to do, what thoughts were going through the kings mind as conflict was growing close to their gates

Are we still following Christopher here? Is he thinking this? If so you need some indicator. Sometimes people use italics for thoughts, or add 'Christopher thought' to the end.

It's also a question too, so needs a question mark.

Okay, that's just one paragraph. It's up to you of course to consider these points. I hope you understand this is just meant to be helpful feedback to encourage you to evolve. We've all been here, trust me!

Keep on writing!!

Disclaimer:
The above critique is Chinaren's opinion only. Feel free to listen, disregard or laugh mockingly at the whole or parts. The advise here is meant in good faith, and no offense is meant unless otherwise stated.