City of IF

Tavanesh · Posted: Mon Aug 01, 2011 9:41 am Post subject: Rotch- Chapter 2!

ROTCH- Chapter 1

“November 22nd, 2011,” a rather non-descript man spoke into a small black box. He paused, sighed, and then hit a button creating a sharp high-pitched sound followed by his voice… “November 22nd, 2011,” seemingly satisfied he hit another button and continued. “I don’t know why I continue to do this. Tapes like these are strictly prohibited in my profession. If anyone gets a hold of these while I’m still alive…well,” he contemplates the repercussions. “Let’s just say I’d really that rather not happen. After I’m dead is what I’m worried about. I don’t want to…be forgotten. It’s nice knowing that after I die someone can listen to these and realize that all of those identities I’ve had were actually one person. Maybe then someone can know my real name…” he pauses as if about to say it, but then sighs.

“Tomorrow the…err…Private Interest Group is sending me to good ol’ New York City. It’s been 13 years since I’ve been there last so hopefully people will have forgotten my last identity,” he shudders, “Buster Hyman. My target is Macy’s. I will attempt to infiltrate all levels and await further orders. I already have living arrangements made and a new job there as a greeter. This should be a smooth operation, two years tops. Oh, my code name this time is…actually I don’t know what it is,” he pulls up a computer screen with his detailed instructions that will peculiarly disappear from all data banks in about, he checks his watch, 14 minutes, and reads it aloud. “Mike Rotch. GOD DAMN IT! I hate that stupid random name generator,” the small black box continued to record a few more string of curses before a more civilized tone of voice is heard.

“My name is... Mike Rotch. I am a free-lance spy. This is my story.”

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Mike Rotch’s new neighbors in the Hartford Hotel didn’t know what Mike Rotch looked like. Not because they hadn’t seen him, he’d bustled in and out of his room on numerous occasions, but because he was so non-descript. When asked to describe him by a friend, the only thing one of his neighbors could think to say is “Well, he likes plaid,” and that was it. He was just one of those people that had no defining features what so ever, and that suited him just fine being in the profession that he was.

On this peculiar day Mike Rotch had set off early to beat the unbeatable New York traffic to his job at Macy’s where he would spend the next eight hours telling every woman and her children “Hello, and welcome to Macy’s,” while wearing a bright red name tag that had an obscene word plastered across it of which he would try to ignore. He learned two things that day- One. The unbeatable New York traffic cannot be beaten, and two. A name like Mike Rotch cannot be ignored.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Can’t you drive just a teeny bit faster.”

“Where?”

“To the left, go around a few of those cars.”

“Across a double solid yellow line. Sorry bud, no can do,” said the taxi driver, which was followed by an audible sigh from Mr. Rotch. He looked down at his watch which blinked mockingly-

7:32 7:32 7:32 7:32 7:33

“Driver, could you perhaps give me an estimate as to how long it will take?”

“Half an hour at the least.”

“That’s no good, I need to be there in 12 minutes.”

Tavanesh · Posted: Mon Aug 01, 2011 9:42 am Post subject:

How does Mike get to Macy's? Wait it out? Use some special spy gadget? What do you guys think?

Thunderbird · Posted: Mon Aug 01, 2011 7:08 pm Post subject:

Soon as a motorbike rolls up next to them, open the door and thwack the biker off his ride, leap out and commandeer the vehicle so he can weave through where cars may not tread.

Might be a bit extreme but its probably about the only way to achieve victory here - and might be a bit funny too.

Mike Rotch... love it!

Tavanesh · Posted: Fri Aug 05, 2011 9:01 am Post subject:

That's an idea I hadn't thought of, but I do kind of like. It will be added to the list. However, I would like at least one more person to throw in an idea before I move on.

Thanks for the encouragement Thunder!

Tikanni Corazon · Posted: Mon Aug 08, 2011 6:46 am Post subject:

*giggles* Loving this, Tavanesh! I was much tickled! ;)

Dp, dp, dp...Hmmm...well, I'm going to be boring and say he be late for work. Far more convicing as a true undercover agent to do what any normal person would do, and just show up late if the traffic is bad. Might also make for some humourous interaction with his new 'boss', whoever that may be. ;)

Looking forward to the next chapter, Tav (hope you don't mind me calling you that, just tell me if you do ;))! Enjoying this as much as your tale in FF. Keep up the good work! :)

Muaddib · Joined: 31 Dec 2004 Posts: 1765

One word, pedicab.

I like the setup.

Also, Quote: “Mike Rotch. GOD DAMN IT! I hate that stupid random name generator,”

:lol:

Some nitpicking: Quote: He learned two things that day- One. The unbeatable New York traffic cannot be beaten, and two. A name like Mike Rotch cannot be ignored.

The bolded portion should be "...one (comma)... and two (comma)" instead of periods.

Yes, very nitpicky but it caught my eye.

Crunchyfrog · Joined: 12 Dec 2006 Posts: 3998

Well, pedicab's been taken... Some good old fashioned running might be in order!

Good start!

Tavanesh · Posted: Mon Aug 08, 2011 7:45 am Post subject:

Thanks everyone. I will go through and make the necessary edit's soon. Polling is up!

Vikas Muralidharan · Joined: 29 Aug 2010 Posts: 600

Nice start.

Unfortunately. Im late for the suggestion phase... It's all right. I 've got my vote in :)

Lilith · Posted: Tue Aug 09, 2011 4:57 am Post subject:

I like the idea of stealing a motorbike. I have no idea why.. :P

A nice, if short, opening Tav!

Tavanesh · Posted: Tue Aug 09, 2011 7:15 am Post subject:

Yes, short but hopefully sweet. Not my best of work but I just wanted to get something a little goofy out there.

Lebrenth · Joined: 29 Dec 2005 Posts: 1483 Location: Utah

Oops, tied it. Well, I'm sure someone will help us work it out.

By the way, I have a friend whose name really is Mike Cox. Somehow, he's never caught on that it's a funny name.

Muaddib · Joined: 31 Dec 2004 Posts: 1765

I'd like ti remind people about the pleasures of a pedicab: you get to sit leisurely and watch as a hipster works overtime to pedal your weight forward.

Tavanesh · Posted: Fri Aug 12, 2011 10:26 pm Post subject:

I was just coming in to close the poll and start writing the next chapter and it's tied. Wonderful! Somebody break this for me, please!

A pleasurable pedi-cab pedaled pedantically past my pal Paul.
It's late and I don't know why I wrote that, but it sounded fairly pleasing to the ears. A pedi-cab does sound pleasant right now.

Thunderbird · Posted: Sat Aug 13, 2011 9:36 am Post subject:

woohoo!!! still got to vote! And a tiebreaker at that! :D

Tavanesh · Posted: Sat Aug 13, 2011 11:15 am Post subject:

Would just like to post this here, for the record.

How does Mike get to work?

Wait it out, arrive late
12% [ 1 ]

Misappropriate a motorcycle
50% [ 4 ]

Take a pedicab
37% [ 3 ]

Get out and hoof it
0% [ 0 ]

Total Votes : 8
Who Voted: Crunchyfrog, Lebrenth, Lilith, Muaddib, Thunderbird, Tikanni Corazon, Vikas Muralidharan, Vishal Muralidharan

brokenblossom · Joined: 20 Aug 2011 Posts: 1

The last one!!

Lost Omega · Joined: 18 Dec 2010 Posts: 88 Location: West Haven, CT

I was gonna suggest kicking the bottom of the cab driver's chair until he drove faster but I missed it... Oh well. STEAL A MOTORBIKE AND FLIP OFF THE CAB DRIVER!!! Don't forget to leave a tip though.

PopeAlessandrosXVIII · Posted: Mon Aug 22, 2011 5:53 pm Post subject: I Think.......

This is truly funny, I love it! I want a random name generator like that. It waould make for fun OTS RPing. Haveing people have to use the names given.

I also like his job. I mean, who doesn't want to be a spy?

Keep up the good works! Can't wait for the next chapter!

Tavanesh · Posted: Tue Aug 23, 2011 9:13 am Post subject: Rotch Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

And then came salvation in the form of a glint of reflected sunlight and a low obnoxious hum. Rotch looked out his back window to see a motorcycle gallivanting up the street, and he knew what had to be done. He couldn’t risk being late for his boss already hated him. If he lost his position at Macy’s now it would add a year onto his operation.

He hadn’t paid the cabby, and the bike was coming up fast. He scrounged in his pocket for any excess cash he could find and grasped…a small stamp.

“Sir, could I interest you in a stamp in place of my fare? It is really quite good for sending letters. I bet your mom could do with a lovely letter from her dear boy this time of year.”

Rotch saw the cabby glance into the rearview mirror with a look that said ‘Would you like me to hurt you because I would be happy to oblige.’

He shoved the stamp back in his pants pocket and began digging through the intelligent yellow windbreaker he had bought just the other day. It had a large black stripe circling the chest and it reminded him of a slightly off color bumble bee. He liked bumble bee’s. It was as if someone had fumbled with their name as well and forever they were stuck with the first name of bumble, a rather embarrassing name.

A few coins found his fingers and he spent far too long trying to navigate them towards his thumb and forefinger. His other hand dug through a small sack by his feet containing his work clothes among other things and he found a few bills.

Was this a good idea? Misappropriating a motorcycle? It would draw a lot of attention… attention was not good for a spy. Spies needed privacy, they needed to blend in. This was one reason he valued his forgetful face so much…But even with it could he avoid suspicion after hijacking a motorcycle.
Screw it.

The next few seconds happened fairly awkwardly. Money, just enough to pay the fare, was launched into the front seat. The cab door was opened wide, and Rotch leapt out, rather like a frog however much he would like to think it was like a cheetah, and landed perfectly on the motorcycle that had just began to speed by.

The man reacted fairly on key to how most people driving a motor vehicle through NY traffic would react when suddenly jumped on by a bumble bee like man from a cab; With alarm.

Fortunately the motorcyclist was thrown onto a bed of soft, luscious flowers… or so Rotch would like to think for we all know there are no beds of soft, luscious flowers in New York City. He commandeered the handlebars and was off.
________________________________________

A cop chase, riot, and bridge jump later Rotch arrived in the employee parking lot on time. He parked his new ride and went inside to start the day.

He plugged in his time card two minutes early and grinned his usual non-descript grin. If he had waited in that cab he most surely would have been late which would have caused quite a fuss with his supervisor, Mr. Goodbell. An ironic name for Mr. Goodbell was neither good nor did his voice ring with the dulcet tones of a certain percussion instrument.

“CROOOOTTTCCCHHH!” came a voice more akin to smashing a guitar over someone’s head.

Rotch sighed and looked up to see Mr. Goodbell standing over him. “It’s Rotch, sir.”

“Say that again!”

“Rotch, sir.”

“What’s your first name?”

“Mike, sir.”

“And your last name?”

“Rotch, sir” he added a sigh, knowing what was coming.

“Now together”

“Mike Rotch, sir”

“RIGHT, CROTCH. It’s your name, deal with it.” Rotch sighed despairingly for a third time.

“Why aren’t you dressed yet?” Goodbell grumbled and glared, two constant activities for him.

Rotch looked down at his street clothes and then at the duffel bag slung over his arm. “I didn’t want to get them dirty on the way to work, sir.”

“Are the clothes you’re wearing now dirty?”

“No.”

“THEN WHAT WERE YOU WORRIED ABOUT?”

“The…possibility, sir?”

“The possibility? THE POSSIBILITY?! There’s a DAMN GOOD possibility that you could get fired, how’s THAT for possibility!?”

“Upsetting,” said Rotch, playing along with Goodbell’s bullying at this point.

“Good, get dressed and get to work!”
________________________________________

“Hello and welcome to Macy’s!”

“HELLO and welcome to Macy’s!”

“Hello AND welcome to Macy’s!”

“Hello and welcome to MACY’S!”

“Hello and welcome TO Macy’s”

Rotch had gotten bored and in turn had decided to play with the emphasis of the words in his greetings. It had made for some odd sounding sentences and awarded him a few peculiar glances from customers. He looked at his watch-

“Hello and WELCOME to Macy’s”

11:57. Rotch’s eyes widened in dismay. He had almost lost track of time and forgotten to mentally prep himself for the ordeal about to occur at noon.

“Hello AND welcome TO Macy’s”

11:58. Rotch took a big breath, and searched for his temper deep inside of himself, spotting it flapping in the wind of his thoughts.

“HELlo and welCOME to MaCY’s”

11:59. He grabbed his temper and locked it in a box, which was not to be opened for the next 15 minutes.

“HELLO AND WELCOME TO MACY’S!”

12:00. The time had come and there was no going back. He had to face the music.

“Hello and wel-“

“MIKE, MIKE ROTCH!” he was rudely interrupted. “What a pleasure to see you!”

“Why, Denise! I wasn’t expecting you.” Rotch replied dryly.

“12:00 sharp Monday, Wednesday, and Friday!”

“How could I forget?”

“How could you, I know! Look at you, standing tall and proud. Mike Rotch is pleasantly erect this morning.” Denise giggled and beamed here large aunty smile at Rotch. Her large, purple, plumed hat slid down onto her nose and she pushed it back up, letting a few gray curls of hair bounce swaggeringly out of her face.

Mike’s temper struggled inside the box.

“I am feeling rather good today, Denise. Would you like to hear about our sale’s?”

“Oh, aren’t you just so kind. Mike Rotch is so subservient.” She giggled obnoxiously again, and flattened out her floral print moo-moo.

Mike’s temper hit the top of the box hard.

“Just doing my job Denise, just doing my job.” Rotch replied, his teeth peeled shaving off of each other as they grated in hopes of maintaining control.

“Oh, and Mike Rotch is so hard-working. Mike Rotch is always ready to do his job.” She giggled for a third and final time that day.

Mike’s temper hit the roof of the box and it smashed open.

“Now listen here Denise. I’m just trying to get through one god damn day and I don’t need you heckling me three times a bloody week! Go buy your pathetic stack of clothes that you may wear once in your life and then discard and get out of here before I berate you EVEN FURTHER!”

Denise began to cry.

Mr. Goodbell began to yell.

The crowd watched in terror.

Mike Rotch sighed.
________________________________________

In the end things worked out fairly well. Rotch was placed in the Ecological Decontamination unit, which was really just Macy’s fancy way of classifying their janitors. Even though he’d received a demotion his supervisor was no longer Mr. Goodbell, and he had ED, an ID card that allowed him to access most departments for janitorial purposes.

That’s right. Mike Rotch has ED.

After being assigned his new position Mike was allowed to select where he would begin his duties.

Tavanesh · Posted: Tue Aug 23, 2011 9:16 am Post subject:

Where does Mike Rotch choose to clean first and what is he looking for? You can make up a department. It can be public, like a women's clothing section, or private, like underground offices. You choose!

Lilith · Posted: Tue Aug 23, 2011 9:25 am Post subject:

Well, with such a name and temper, why wouldn't he check out the women's lingere section first? :P Enjoy Tava! ^_^

Lost Omega · Joined: 18 Dec 2010 Posts: 88 Location: West Haven, CT

Ha ha! This chapter was hilarious! Now, where should he work... Well, so many things could go wrong with Mike Rotch and sharp power tools so I would have him clean the hardware section first.

Muaddib · Joined: 31 Dec 2004 Posts: 1765

Yes! Awesome! This chapter was great!

Mike Rotch in the Woman's Lingerie department...'nuff said.

Thunderbird · Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2011 7:17 pm Post subject:

yes... loving this! I'm so happy we have a truly great comedy tale in the works here now! Next time I talk to Mike Hunt (and I really have spoken with a guy with that name, as well as a Willie Boner...) I'll refer your wondrous read!

Anyhow, as for the DP, I think he's gotta clean out the backrooms... ugh...

Tikanni Corazon · Posted: Sat Sep 03, 2011 12:32 pm Post subject:

Loving the latest chapter, Tava! This really is turning into a fab comedy SG! :)

Dp suggestion...I was very much taken with the power tools idea actually, but, in order to add another option...I'll say start in the kids toy section. This is assuming that he will be working during opening hours, when there will be kids around (all ready to get in the way of Mike's duties). Though even if not, will the allure of fiddling around with the merchandise be too much for him? ;)

Looking forward to the next one, Tava!

Vikas Muralidharan · Joined: 29 Aug 2010 Posts: 600

Lol... This beautiful...

The Humor Guildmaster is indeed happy :P

And.. yes, The Women's Lingerie section. Get in there, Mike Rotch! :)

And, Tbird, REALLY?! Mike Hunt?! OMG!!! o.O

Thunderbird · Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2011 12:14 pm Post subject:

I know... I thought it was going to have been a prank (the name came up in a sales call list) but when I asked for Mike he answered and down the road I confirmed his name. lol!

Tavanesh · Posted: Wed Sep 14, 2011 1:59 pm Post subject:

Haha, poor guy. Maybe if I write a sequel it will be "Hunt." Thanks for all the encouragement guys and sorry for a lapse of no posting. I'm glad I have the Humor Guildmaster's support. I'll put up the poll now and hopefully do some reading and writing over the weekend. Mike is in for an interesting ride thanks to your suggestions. His hellish life as a spy can only get worse from here on out.

What could he possibly be tasked with involving infiltrating Macy's? Who are his employers? Will he be successful? Let's find out!

Vikas Muralidharan · Joined: 29 Aug 2010 Posts: 600

Tavanesh wrote: I'm glad I have the Humor Guildmaster's support.

Im glad someone's making an attemt (and a quite successful one) at comedy :)

Vikas Muralidharan · Joined: 29 Aug 2010 Posts: 600

You can all congratulate Tavanesh on becoming Assistant Humor Guildmaster =)

Tavanesh · Posted: Sun Sep 18, 2011 12:21 pm Post subject:

Why thank you very much!

Vikas Muralidharan · Joined: 29 Aug 2010 Posts: 600

Sadly, taken of Sticky due to lack of activity.

Cmon Tav!!!

HalfEmptyHero · Posted: Sun Nov 06, 2011 9:36 am Post subject:

I enjoyed reading this. Mike Rotch was a new one for me; Mike Hunt I had heard, but never Rotch.

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

Well, That's the tie broken.

I want to see more of this! Fantastic story here, Tav!! :D