City of IF

Lupaviola7 · Joined: 24 Oct 2011 Posts: 10

From time to time one will see beings who seem inhuman with amazing strength or talents. These "extraordinary humans" are Gods and Goddesses who come down to the mortal world to have a little fun with mortals. Adonis would come down and seduce women with his sexy, good looks and charm, enticing them with a night in bed that they will never forget. Zeus will from time to time leave Hera's side to have affairs with young, mortal girls. And it goes on.
It should come as no surprise that some of these mortal girls will become pregnant with the seed of a God, thus, creating demi-Gods. But...what if a mortal impregnated a Goddess?
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Aphrodite, Goddess of love and sexuality, is not new to the mortal world. Humans will see her as the most beautiful woman they have ever seen. Men and women will do ANYTHING to be with her. Even the straight women will be oh so tempted by her luscious beauty. She comes to the mortal world frequently, seeing as being promiscuos in her world leads to trouble most of the time. She has had many lovers, some bad, some good. But one in particular...he was amazing. His name was Roman. He was tall and athletically built, with broad shoulders, piercing green eyes, and wavy dark black hair. Aphrodite sensed he would be a good lover but never imagined how good. He took her to heights that even Gods have never had her reach. He was rough and gentle, firm yet sensitive. He made sure she was satisfied before he finished. He was almost...God like.

Roman was part demi-God. The great grandson of Adonis to be exact. Had she known this minor detail she never would have slept with him. Goddesses can not get pregnant from mortals. But if a mortal has the blood of a God within him, it is possible. She became pregnant with a baby girl. She loved this child dearly but she knew the realm of the Gods was no place for her. Aphrodite had many enemies. Most of the Goddesses hated her because she had affairs with their husbands and lovers. If they knew she had a daughter, they would try to hurt her. Aphrodite could not let that happen so she went into hiding for the months of her pregnancy. She stayed in the mortal world looking for someone to mother her child. Aphrodite searched and searched and one day found exactly what she was looking for. A young pagan couple who was having trouble having kids. They prayed to the God and Goddesses everyday for a child. Aphrodite left them 2 letters. In her first letter, she told them to prepare for a baby girl and to get everything needed to take care of her. Her second letter she left in the crib explaining that this baby was special and will always be watched by the Goddess. The couple was over joyed at the sight of their beautiful baby girl and thanked Aphrodite in their prayers. From then on they paid special attention to worshipping the Goddess of Love and taking care of her and their daughter.
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Hera, wife of Zeus and worst enemy of Aphrodite, noticed the extra prayers going Aphrodite's way from this couple. It intrigued her as to why all of a sudden they have a new baby and they are always thanking Aphrodite. Aphrodite always watched this couple on her frequent trips to the mortal world. She would pay special attention the their child. Hera went to the mortal world and investigated this sudden behavioral change. Disguised as a homeless woman, went to their house and asked for some food. They invited her to stay the night seeing as she had no where to go. She searched the house while they were asleep. She found the letters and realized they their baby was the daughter of Aphrodite.
She confronted Aphrodite about this and threatened her. Hera said if Aphrodite ever slept with Zeus again she would put a curse on her baby. Aphrodite vowed to never go near Zeus again as long as Hera kept Aphrodite's baby girl a secret. Hera premised, and they went their separate ways.
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Unfortunately, all secrets are revealed as some point.....
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Ok well thats the prologue. Who wants to give me some suggestions as to where the story will go. A poll will be up once I get a few suggestion so please comment :)

Vikas Muralidharan · Joined: 29 Aug 2010 Posts: 600

Welcome to IF, Lupaviola!

Nice short little prologue you have set up here but firstly, remember that this is a site which allows 13 year olds to get membership. If sexuality, violence or any other mature topic appears, it would help if you put up a warning at the top of the chapter/prologue.

I like what you have thought of, but it seems to be rushed. Like you wanted to throw all your ideas out at once. IMHO, it is better to give the readers some time to get set into the story.

Secondly, be careful with those annoying little typos/ grammatical errors. Make sure to go through your posts and check them, twice if necessary. You would have been able to avoid a few mistakes like these:

Quote: She would pay special attention the their child

Quote: Disguised as a homeless woman, (word missing) went to their house and asked for some food.

I would also like to see some description and detail, please. While the prologue seems like a basic summary of what happened in the past, it does'nt do much to grab my attention as a reader. It's just plain old text. There needs to be more detail, if you get what I mean. Give us the actual picture, show us how the action unfolds.. Dont just tell us what happened

I'll do a full critique later but those were the few basic points I needed to outline.

I got pretty much the same feedback for my first few chapters and people were trashing my grammar. Im still not perfect, but I've listened and certainly improved a lot. I hope you take this positively, too. It'd be interesting to see where this story goes.

I really cant suggest much, except one of them broke their side of the deal and the two women meet again :/

I just need some time to think about this....

Cheers :D

Lupaviola7 wrote: From time to time one will see beings who seem inhuman with amazing strength or talents. These "extraordinary humans" are Gods and Goddesses who come down to the mortal world to have a little fun with mortals. Adonis would come down and seduce women with his sexy, good looks and charm, enticing them with a night in bed that they will never forget. Zeus will from time to time leave Hera's side to have affairs with young, mortal girls. And it goes on.
It should come as no surprise that some of these mortal girls will become pregnant with the seed of a God, thus, creating demi-Gods. But...what if a mortal impregnated a Goddess?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Aphrodite, Goddess of love and sexuality, is not new to the mortal world. Humans will see her as the most beautiful woman they have ever seen. Men and women will do ANYTHING to be with her. Even the straight women will be oh so tempted by her luscious beauty. She comes to the mortal world frequently, seeing as being promiscuos in her world leads to trouble most of the time. She has had many lovers, some bad, some good. But one in particular...he was amazing. His name was Roman. He was tall and athletically built, with broad shoulders, piercing green eyes, and wavy dark black hair. Aphrodite sensed he would be a good lover but never imagined how good. He took her to heights that even Gods have never had her reach. He was rough and gentle, firm yet sensitive. He made sure she was satisfied before he finished. He was almost...God like.

Roman was part demi-God. The great grandson of Adonis to be exact. Had she known this minor detail she never would have slept with him. Goddesses can not get pregnant from mortals. But if a mortal has the blood of a God within him, it is possible. She became pregnant with a baby girl. She loved this child dearly but she knew the realm of the Gods was no place for her. Aphrodite had many enemies. Most of the Goddesses hated her because she had affairs with their husbands and lovers. If they knew she had a daughter, they would try to hurt her. Aphrodite could not let that happen so she went into hiding for the months of her pregnancy. She stayed in the mortal world looking for someone to mother her child. Aphrodite searched and searched and one day found exactly what she was looking for. A young pagan couple who was having trouble having kids. They prayed to the God and Goddesses everyday for a child. Aphrodite left them 2 letters. In her first letter, she told them to prepare for a baby girl and to get everything needed to take care of her. Her second letter she left in the crib explaining that this baby was special and will always be watched by the Goddess. The couple was over joyed at the sight of their beautiful baby girl and thanked Aphrodite in their prayers. From then on they paid special attention to worshipping the Goddess of Love and taking care of her and their daughter.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hera, wife of Zeus and worst enemy of Aphrodite, noticed the extra prayers going Aphrodite's way from this couple. It intrigued her as to why all of a sudden they have a new baby and they are always thanking Aphrodite. Aphrodite always watched this couple on her frequent trips to the mortal world. She would pay special attention the their child. Hera went to the mortal world and investigated this sudden behavioral change. Disguised as a homeless woman, went to their house and asked for some food. They invited her to stay the night seeing as she had no where to go. She searched the house while they were asleep. She found the letters and realized they their baby was the daughter of Aphrodite.
She confronted Aphrodite about this and threatened her. Hera said if Aphrodite ever slept with Zeus again she would put a curse on her baby. Aphrodite vowed to never go near Zeus again as long as Hera kept Aphrodite's baby girl a secret. Hera premised, and they went their separate ways.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unfortunately, all secrets are revealed as some point.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok well thats the prologue. Who wants to give me some suggestions as to where the story will go. A poll will be up once I get a few suggestion so please comment :)

Guest · Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 7:23 am Post subject:

Pretty cool backstory. :) Love the history of the gods...

Andolyn · Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 10:14 am Post subject:

Welcome to If, Dear!!

Well, at first I was wondering if this wouldnt better belong on Lovers' Lane, but we'll see. =) ((i'm rather partial to Lovers' Lane, really & we need good stories over there.))

i was instantly captivated by the premise, being that i love the Greek gods...and with a bit of polishing, i think you've got a really fantastic story going here!

i'm with Vikas on it needing to slow down a bit. you could almost have taken your prologue and made the first couple of chapters with it if you wanted to add some more detail. you do need a warning at the top, but i'll say also that i was very impressed with your ability to have strong sexual tones in your prologue without being vulgar. it's a skill few have mastered, so kudos on that. =)

i'm going to also F5 Vikas & say that one of them breaks the vow & all Hades breaks loose! XD keep it up! and again, welcome!

Tikanni Corazon · Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 3:30 pm Post subject:

Hey Lupaviola7, and welcome to IF, and also to my domain, the Fantasy Forest! ;)

This is a promising start indeed. The idea behind it is interesting, and F5 Andi. I love anything to do with the squabbles between the Greek gods/goddesses too, and the reprecussions upon the mortal world because of them. Looking forward to reading more.

I am also going to agree with both Andi and Vikas about slowing down too. Though short, snappy prologues/chapters can be just as good as the longer ones, you have alot of information here, and I think it would benefit from being given more room to expand, and give the readers a better picture of what's going on. And, F5 Vikas again, please don't take these comments as being a bad thing. We're all here to help each other, and you would believe just how beneficial a site it can be. I know only too well how I've improved as a writer since I joined two years ago. Just make sure you don't take these comments as an insult to your abilities, because they certainly aren't meant in that way (and if there are any comments that are like that, it'll all be taken care of, don't you worry ;)). Your talent is definitely there, it just needs to be honed and polished, just like everyone else here.

I think maybe Aphrodite should confide in Adonis about the baby. What with the father being his great-grandson, it makes him the baby girl's great, great grandfather, and surely that must mean something, even to the gods. It might get him on her side possibly. ;)

Wonderful start, and a welcome edition to the Fantasy Forest! Looking forward to seeing more from you! :)

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

Andolyn wrote:

Well, at first I was wondering if this wouldnt better belong on Lovers' Lane

*Lover's Court :/

I'm with Andi on that too. Looks better suited for the romance genre, but with all greek gods and fantasy-ish things in there, I'll let it pass.

Welcome to IF!! :D

I'm with the other readers on the pace. You gave us a lot of background info, which was good, because I don't follow greek mythology (Yeah, I don't :/), but it was just information. Like everyone else said, this should be drawn out, with more emphasis on some details, a little bit of action which would bring life into the story, rather than just a bunch of facts. This is what I call "InfoDump" when you dump too much info on a reader that causes him to be either overwhelmed or not take particular notice at all. This is completely unintentional, and just needs a bit of practice to sort out. I also do F5 the comments about not taking this in the wrong way, or getting disheartened. We are all trying to help you here.

I am not going to suggest a DP option because this is a prologue, and you didn't give us the go-ahead. However, if we are allowed to do so, then Im going with Vikas and Andi :)

Vikas Muralidharan · Joined: 29 Aug 2010 Posts: 600

Vishal Muralidharan wrote:
I am not going to suggest a DP option because this is a prologue, and you didn't give us the go-ahead. However, if we are allowed to do so, then Im going with Vikas and Andi :)

*ahem*

Quote: Ok well thats the prologue. Who wants to give me some suggestions as to where the story will go. A poll will be up once I get a few suggestion so please comment :)

Yeah... there.

Oh, and another example of how embarassing it can get if you dont read through your posts to edit them before posting. I just realized I quoted the entire prologue without saying anything at the end of the first post. :(

No, Im not gonna edit and remove it. I'll wait till you see that :P

Lupaviola7 · Joined: 24 Oct 2011 Posts: 10

Thanks for all the posts guys! I really enjoyed reading the critiques and suggestions..I thought about putting this in Lover's Court but I wasn't exactly sure...maybe I can post in both? But any who I love the suggestions especially the one about talking to Adonis about the baby (I didn't even think about the direction that could go!). So I was thinking about drawing this all out a lot more and maybe making two stories out of it: Aphrodite's tale and then as a sort of sequel her daughters story...what do you all think?

Andolyn · Posted: Thu Nov 10, 2011 9:52 am Post subject:

I think thts a fabulous idea! We could do aphrodite's tale in lovers' COURT. Sorry vishal. XD

Lupaviola7 · Joined: 24 Oct 2011 Posts: 10

Click my egg please :) and also is it ok to post the same story on two different forums?

Andolyn · Posted: Thu Nov 10, 2011 1:45 pm Post subject:

i wouldnt do two of the same story...but if you were wanting to do a separate sort of prequel of Aphrodite's story, i'd say yeah. =)

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

Lupaviola7 wrote: Click my egg please :) and also is it ok to post the same story on two different forums?

I really don't think you should post the same story in two different forums. We can have this topic moved to the lover's court if you make a specific request for it though. ;)

Andolyn wrote: We could do aphrodite's tale in lovers' COURT. Sorry vishal. XD

Lol, don't be. I don't mind that a lot actually, but you are the Guildmistress.. :P

Thunderbird · Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2011 1:40 pm Post subject:

Welcome to IF Lupa... I enjoyed the concept and premise at work here and would certainly be looking forward to it being further developed as we go.

A few things I'd work on, in addition to those things mentioned above. Tense integrity was a big problem for me in reading this. I was often derailed by the sudden shifts to and from present and past tense in the delivery. Just makes it a bit hard to follow is all. Pick one and stick with it ;)

And work on defining paragraphs and plotting out your thoughts a bit more clearly in general. The text came across as dense and was something I was easily lost in. The idea expressions wandered a bit and could have used some restructuring before final delivery. Always work to edit yourself before posting and keep this concept in mind when you do.

I realize I've been vague about these subjects and haven't gone into much detail where further explanation and advice may be necessary if these are new considerations, so if you want me to explain more I'd be happy to.

But don't let any of this slow you down. Just keep writing. More than anything, that's the most important thing. You get comfortable with the act of writing and it makes it easier to fine tune it then as you go. The more you do it, the more you care to, the more you want it to come out just right, and the more tools you'll develop and master along the way. Just keep going and work on whatever comes to you to develop at the time. Before you know it, you'll be writing like a pro! I've seen it happen here...

Now then, for a suggestion, I say our Demi-God now goes on to attempt to blend in with the usual mortals. Obviously, this doesn't work too well for her as she has a super-magnetic personality and supernaturally erotic presence that a prom queen would envy. 'Blending in' is impossible but she's trying...

Midnight · Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2011 8:16 pm Post subject:

Welcome to If Lupa, got to say I am loving what you have so far. You sure have my attention thats for sure. XD

As for grammar, I think the others have already said everything that needs to be said.

Hope to see more from you soon.