City of IF

[Vikas Muralidharan]

(This was already posted under a different title, but rebooting it, as it was moved to The Vault due to lack of activity)

Luke strolled down the hallway, tensed.

"Lucy!" he yelled out. No signs of her anywhere. His steps quickened has he took a left in the massive mansion that he and Lucy had been staying in for the past week as contestants on the reality show "Couple's Retreat"

Hosted by grade-A actor Maria Thomson, the show was about couples who had to perform different tasks and challenges every week in order to win the mega prize of fifty million dollars at the end. Like most reality shows, this one too, was scripted.

Luke, the filmstar and Lucy, the pop music sensation considered a teen idol were scheduled to be eliminated in the 3rd week.

Live in Five Luke thought to himself. A mini search party including other contestants had been searching for the past couple of hours.

"There was no way she could have got out of this building" Luke muttered to himself. The security was tight and not one of the 7 participating couples was allowed to leave the mansion at any point of time. There was even an in-house medical facility to take care of emergencies. There was no way she could have left.

Luke, desperately walked into the common area of the mansion again. All the couples and the host were sitting there, with grim faces. "No sign of her" Luke announced.

"Well, we'll make up a story then" Maria said. "Can't afford to be embarrassed live".

Tense minutes passed and the show began.

"Welcome to 'Couple's Retreat!'" Maria announced joyfully, looking at the camera.

"This week, you will join us as each couple performs their own unique task for the week in order to stay in the competition and move closer to winning 50 million dollars!"

"Unfortunately, Luke and Lucy seem to have some problems. Lucy has refused to come down with Luke to collect their task" Maria said. "Now what's the problem, Luke?" she asks turning over to Luke.

Luke sighed. "Well, She's been--"

Luke was interrupted by an unexpected sight. The frail body of Lucy fell on the floor, from above them. Everyone stood up, stunned.

Lucy's body was covered in cuts and bruises. A bullet hole was clearly visible on her left thigh and she was losing blood rapidly. Still alive, Lucy looked up to meet Luke's gaze.

"Lucy" he whispered, turning white. He bent forward to comfort her and check her wounds.

"Monsters" Lucy whispered. She was in too much pain to even attempt moving. "Up. In our room"

"WHAT?" Luke asked forcefully, but he would never get a response, as a loud gunshot echoed through the halls and Luke's lifeless body crumpled to the floor.

[Emperor]

of all the lines in the story the line you have Lucy deliver and the timing of it. Nice job!! Looking forward to it.

[Lebrenth]

This is great! Nice intro to a mystery. The setting is perfect, with lots of possibilities for incredible events justified by the fact that it is intended to be overly dramatic for entertainment purposes. We've got a great hook into the main mystery, trying to figure out what she means by "monsters". Unless the monsters have guns, I'm pretty sure we have a human murderer (or murderers), though.

You might have let the cat out of the bag too soon, though. Trying to solve a mystery of a missing person while also participating in a reality show would have been interesting. They would have had to ask themselves if it was really real or just part of the show on top of everything else. A hypothetical sneak peek into what happens on a reality show behind the scenes would also be fascinating. Now that there are openly revealed murders, it becomes a typical investigation, albeit in an interesting place with interesting characters.

Just as a suggestion, you might keep your awesome hook and intro without giving up the reality show investigation by making the intro part of a flash forward... a vision of things to come... and then start the narrative where Maria goes missing (or thereabouts).

Anyway, however you decide to spin it, I'm looking forward to the first chapter!