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City of IF
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HalfEmptyHero
Joined: 16 Feb 2009
Posts: 342
Location: Where rolls the Oregon, and hears no sound
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| Posted: Mon Sep 21, 2015 8:34 pm Post subject: All Their Voices |
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Novelest_Ninjagirl
Joined: 09 Dec 2007
Posts: 700
Location: The inn. Probably. Come check!
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| Posted: Mon Sep 21, 2015 10:21 pm Post subject: |
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I like the premise, and the writing style is intriguing, but all the names had me confused for a moment. I kept having to scroll back up to see who was the new guy. I don't know if there's any way to fix that or if it's just my brain playing tricks, but I thought I would bring it up.
I like the fact that it feels like it's set in the present, even though the tech sounds- to someone rather unskilled with tech- futuristic. Definitely intrigued to see what else comes out of this.
Far as I can tell there weren't any spelling or grammar errors, so that was nice. Nothing disrupting the flow of the reading, it was easy to coast through it all. Can't wait to see more! |
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Seraphi
Joined: 25 Oct 2012
Posts: 503
Location: Penna, having a hot cup of tea
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| Posted: Tue Sep 22, 2015 3:12 pm Post subject: |
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| Awesome start, Hero! Mystery, intrigue, sabotage, and a whole lot of tech talk (which, granted, I don't understand much of but it makes it all the more interesting to read about for me). I'm loving the cast of characters so far - I can't wait to see how they develop and what we get to learn about them. I look forward to the next chapter :3 |
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HalfEmptyHero
Joined: 16 Feb 2009
Posts: 342
Location: Where rolls the Oregon, and hears no sound
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| Posted: Tue Sep 22, 2015 3:21 pm Post subject: |
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Novelest_Ninjagirl wrote: I like the premise, and the writing style is intriguing, but all the names had me confused for a moment. I kept having to scroll back up to see who was the new guy. I don't know if there's any way to fix that or if it's just my brain playing tricks, but I thought I would bring it up.
Maybe I'll fix that in the next draft, but the important characters will be emphasized quite quickly. This is more of a prelude than anything else.
Novelest_Ninjagirl wrote:
I like the fact that it feels like it's set in the present, even though the tech sounds- to someone rather unskilled with tech- futuristic.
At this point it is set at some point in the future, although I'm not sure how far yet. Probably not too far, but we'll have to see how things turn out.
Seraphi wrote: a whole lot of tech talk (which, granted, I don't understand much of but it makes it all the more interesting to read about for me)
I'm being quite vague with a lot of tech things because I don't want to be called out as being unrealistic. How do you describe things that haven't been invented yet? Although, if anyone ever has any questions about what some of the tech stuff means, let me know and I can explain it. It might force me to somehow incorporate it into the story.
Thanks for reading. |
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