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The travels of vanity: decision points
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scribe siren

Joined: 20 Mar 2016
Posts: 102

Posted: Sun Mar 20, 2016 11:19 am    Post subject: The travels of vanity: decision points  

My name is Narcist. I know an unfitting name for a fifteen year old girl. Who infact don't have a thought of any narcissism. Not like I am carrying a mirror, provoking other girls my age about beauty. My name came from my uncle. He was a strange man, but underneath he only valued gold over his seven sons.

I guess my name was burnt into history because my uncle was vain and had no daughters of his own. My beauty is where I got my name… It would have been great to have my name be- at least something better than narcist.

Everyday I spent my time in the gardens. A strong want for a haven. The flowers were called serenity, because of their smell. I needed somewhere to be alone, however that would never happen.

A huge concern was the food supply for the castle and the peasants. Contemplating what to do

My uncle had people spend their time hiding in nook and cranny. They think I can not see them. What imbeciles, their hiding skills was like an elephant in open waters.

Two spies was at the sides in the underbrush. I could see their tacky outfits, which did not blend into the flourishing vegetation. The spies who was watching me, darted off from the view of the guards. Leaving dirt sprayed across the rocky pavement.

The gate known as the Southern Oasis, opened up. That meant the guards was arriving after their afternoon hunt. It seemed pointless…. Hearing them talk from a distance.

The horse at the front row was seated by the son of my uncle. He was the captain known as Sageful. He spoke bluntly at a peasant, “Stop begging! The animals have all migrated somewhere else.”

The raggy peasant blurted back rudely, “So you expect us to eat rat! While you gorge on turkey, gobble on fruit and anything your heart desires.”

As I stood a distance, I rolled a few coins around. Thinking of giving it to those who did not have money. However what surprised me was that Sageful tossed a bag to the peasant.

The peasant bowed in regret of his actions. “Thank you, I am sorry for my anger. My family will thank you”

“That is part of what we could find from the trees.”

When Sageful turned to look at me. I turned a blind eye to his imperfect way of speech and nodded approvingly to his actions.

I put my hands behind my back, hiding the fact that I was about to give money to a stranger. My uncle did not love the idea of giving to the poor. He was not a tyrant, he was just fearful of his own well being.

Sageful was cold hearted at times just like his other 6 brothers. They had no true love to give, because they had received no love in return. I would have turned out like that if I did not have a feminine mother figure.

Looking from far. Sageful’s eyes had dark rings of late nights, probable troublesome days without sleeping. All weighing down on his shoulders. He was the eldest of us all and yet I had to find out what my uncle was doing to save the villagers.

Chapter 1

Crumbly moss covered walls. Staring at it in the library. I thought I was going to get sick of this place. Pulling a black chalk from my back pocket. It belonged to my mother who disappeared a long time ago. I barely knew her.

She must have been an artist. Or a smoker… I pursed my lips trying to figure out what she was. My mother could have been anything.

Sixteen years ago:

Auro Lite was perplexed that his wife Sora was in labor so early. He scolded the Maiden for keeping him from Sora. He could not hear any birthing going on. No screaming and no information divulged to him.
Standing for hours, he could not sit since the nurses rushed their ways into the hut and back out.
A doctor came to Auro, “She did not make it…”
Auro did not react to the news, “What about my child? My son?”
“It’s a girl, she is healthy.”
Sudden shock he pushed the door open and looked at the dead body of his wife. Blood seemed to have spilled.
The nurse thoughtfully said, “The child was born wrong way around… she couldn’t live under the stress of the pain.


I woke up from the floor of the library. I accepted that I had slipped on the water that had run through the roof of the castle. Being here for hours on end in the library, no one was wondering where I was. I could hear screaming from the open window. Dragging myself from the window to save some energy.

As I peeked over to the noise. The peasants was banging on the gates, each carrying a dangerous object.

I felt something pull at the back of my leather tunics. I closed my eyes and pulled my arms to my face. I could smell alcohol from the breath of this person.

“Miss, Narcist, you have to get out of here.”

Opening my eyes, It was Sageful. He probably had been drinking, but is sober enough to be able to notice trouble.

Where do you look for info on the rations and her mother . Town problem first or search for info on her mom.? How should she escape?
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Joined: 18 Apr 2011
Posts: 852
Location: sitting barefoot in a tree in the beautiful land of Ardara, writing my tales...

Posted: Sun Mar 27, 2016 9:07 am    Post subject:  

Hello! Welcome to If!

Looks like you've got an intriguing setup here, but if I'm honest, it was a bit hard to follow. The tense changes every so often, so watch for that. Also, the flow is somewhat choppy. Those are the biggest things to watch. From what I gathered, we've got a young protagonist searching for some answers. Is she living with her uncle? Was that her mother 16 years ago? If so, I would have held that information until later. For the DP, she's in very immediate danger. That should be priority number one.

As I said, you're off to a promising start. I'd suggest looking around the site and learning from some of the other writers here. They've been at this for a long time, and they're always eager to help those who are willing to learn. Always keep learning. :)
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scribe siren

Joined: 20 Mar 2016
Posts: 102

Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2016 1:19 am    Post subject:  

Thank you very much!
I have recently been reading books again.
True that you learn even after being pro.
I am however working on improving wording etc.
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scribe siren

Joined: 20 Mar 2016
Posts: 102

Posted: Sun Oct 16, 2016 9:49 am    Post subject:  

Hello there.
I am going to update my story soon. I've been updating children stories.
Thank you to all who read.
If you got any tips for me... post me a message.
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