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Sorrow_A
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 Posted: Sat Apr 01, 2006 4:00 pm Post subject: |
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Who voted brothels?! Because LET ME TELL YOU! I voted for mod machine, like any respectable IFian would do.
Oh wait a minute, none of us are respectable. Well, in that case, I just voted for mod machine...
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 3:08 am Post subject: |
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Chapter 9 - Et tu Smee?
Smee strode down the street, his wild hair waving in the breeze and his robes billowing around him in what he thought was a suitably awe inspiring site. It probably would have been more impressive if Fauna hadn’t managed to stick a sign on his back saying ‘I have a fat bottom’ but there you go.
He wandered along Nob road until he came to his mansion. Various people were outside waving placards. They were divided into two main groups. One waved signs such as: “Smee for Mayor!” and “Up Smee!” and shouted calls of encouragement as he strolled past.
The other group, in direct contrast, shouted less pleasant slogans. They had signs as varied as: “Chinaren knows best!” and “Up Smee!” Smee shook his head at their ignorance and made a tutting sound under his breath. Would they never learn? He made a discrete signal with his hand, and several squads of ASS* moved in with stout rods to perform some swift crowd dispersal. Smee nodded as justice was carried out, punctuated with shrieks and screams.
One problem dealt with efficiently he thought as he entered his mansion, the dark iron gates opening to let him pass. Large black shapes converged on him before the Hell Hounds recognized their master and slunk away, tails between their legs, in fear. He ignored them and walked through the grounds up to his house.
Smee Hall was a large and luxurious mansion, one of the oldest in the city. He smiled to himself as the main door swung open at his gesture. A figure approached, its broken form hobbling along with a peculiar gait.
“Master” he rasped.
“I see you are beginning to learn who is the boss around here. Good, good. Here is my cloak, have it cleaned and pressed. Did you clean my boots?”
“Licked them twice over master” said the wretch.
“Very good, a few more weeks and you may have learned enough to enter the Guild.”
“Oh thank you master” said Nalloon, squirming on the floor with ecstasy.
“Carry on.” Smee dismissed him and walked through his main hall, shoes echoing around the grand walls. ‘Finally” he thought, “it is all coming together. EVIL disbanded, the Mayoral palace around the corner. Soon, he would be in charge, and then there would be changes oh yes!”
An evil laugh echoed around the room.
>
Smee squirmed on the floor as he heard the footsteps approach. The key in the lock turned and door to his cell swung open. Wearing his own best robes in stepped the imposter.
“How are you today my dear Smee?” said Smee-imposter. “Comfortable I assume?”
“You will never get away with this! Someone will notice and then you will be doomed!”
“Oh haha!” Smee two laughed the laugh of super villains everywhere. All that was missing was a white cat. “No one is paying any attention. Chinaren is moping about the old EVIL guildhall muttering to himself. Key is wallowing around in his private Jacuzzi still, when he is not trying on crowns that is, and Flauna is busy running around after that pathetic Apedog. No, no one will notice until it is too late!” He flung his head back and laughed raucously once again.
“Now, if you will excuse me, cook has provided me with a most delicious luncheon, and I must pick out the wine to go with it. What do you think goes with Apedog meat?”
Smee snarled and tugged at his shackles. He had enough energy to cast maybe one minor spell, but no doubt this shapechanger woud have some sort of wards up. Yet he must act soon! If he was elected Mayor the power of SuperMod would be at the fingers of this fiend. The whole of IF would be at risk!
He growled again and though furiously…
*Anti Spam Squad. Key’s private guard.
>>>>>>
A short intro chapter to the next phase then.
What can Smee do? Any plans for escape? Let's have your ideas quick!
<<<<<<
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Ingrothechundyer
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| Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 3:22 am Post subject: |
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Hmm could he have an apedog race up to the mansion where he is held prisoner with the IFians in pursuit?
How bout sending a mesage to tGoGs explaining what happened and requesting help?
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ethereal_fauna
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| Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 3:32 am Post subject: |
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Ah curse me and my Thwackabobitus...of course I would be in the Bananalands on safari if I could set aside my thwacker for a moment...
*giggles* At least I managed to get a sign on the fake-Smee.
Smee ought to send out Smeewaves to the Faun and the orc (tries to sneak OmegaTerra into a story, just so he can groan about it later)...have me continue to place signs on the imposter between Bob thwacks, and set the orc on some mace-wielding rampage through Smee mansion to free the real Smee.
Then we need to tackle the mystery behind the fake-mod machine.
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| Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 3:50 am Post subject: |
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One small spell, eh? It'd have to be subtle then.
I think a slow-acting disease should do it. Smee-itis. Inflammation of the Smee.
It begins with a desire to say and type the name 'Smee' all the time.
Within hours, the swelling of the Smee occurs. This, of course, works on anyone imitating a Smee - so it should be obvious to all who see this inflated wretch that he needs immediate hospitalisation and medical/magical attention.
Then, as soon as he gets under close examination, it should be easy enough to tell that he's an imposter. Swift retribution can be taken.
Besides, it gives Chinaren the opportunity to put some new character in a skimpy nurse's outfit. Where's the downside? (apart from Kalanna kicking his bottom when she finds out, that is) 
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| Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 3:52 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | apart from Kalanna kicking his bottom when she finds out, that is |
Best get my leather gear out then! 
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ethereal_fauna
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| Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 4:36 am Post subject: |
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*giggles* Inflammation of the Smee...
Good one Stoat.
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| Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 4:39 am Post subject: |
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| ethereal_fauna wrote: | *giggles* Inflammation of the Smee...
Good one Stoat. |
*sniggers* Yeah - until Chinny decides that OmegaTerra is the one who deserves to be in the skimpy nurse's outfit! 
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ethereal_fauna
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| Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 4:41 am Post subject: |
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 Well there's your down side. Although...come to think of it, I might like it.
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 5:51 am Post subject: |
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Maybe Phang - she played a nursey type in Mirror of IF well enough.
I must say - this Smee imposter sounds a lot like me. Not that I would ever try to take over the City of course.
*Curses profoundly and thinks of new campaign for next biannual elections*
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| Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 6:16 am Post subject: |
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Funny little chapter Mr. Chinaman. I loved the 'Up Smee' banners that worked both ways. 
Nothing is coming to mind though. I'll listen to other ideas and then if I think of anything I'll come back, but I'm stumped at the moment... 
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| Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 8:04 am Post subject: |
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Very funny Chinny
| Quote: | ‘Finally” he thought, “it is all coming together. EVIL disbanded, the Mayoral palace around the corner. Soon, he would be in charge, and then there would be changes oh yes!”
|
Although are you so sure it's an imposter Smee, and how did you find out my plans?
One small spell...
A light spell - cast out the window (if there is one) - to cast the universal image of the Fat Fairy in the sky (think Batman call sign) should get some help to my mansion quickly.
Without a window I'd have to go for a spell to call an Apedog - knowing that the Orc would waste no time in chasing it down.
Happy Writing
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ethereal_fauna
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| Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 8:12 am Post subject: |
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* again* I like that one too.
This is going to be a difficult poll to vote in.
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| Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 8:31 am Post subject: |
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| Smee wrote: | | Without a window I'd have to go for a spell to call an Apedog - knowing that the Orc would waste no time in chasing it down. |
How about creating the strong scent of bananakibbles - that will get a horde of apedogs coming to your cell, with the thwackers not far behind.
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| Posted: Sat Apr 22, 2006 3:11 am Post subject: |
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I think I may need to venture out of my lab once so while in the not-so-supermarket I can realize that the tab I put on Smee is telling me he's in Danger. ;-)
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| Posted: Sat Apr 22, 2006 3:13 am Post subject: |
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By the way, I don't have a crush on Smee- I just don't trust any of you enough to let you out of my sight without a home-made tracker device on you 
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| Posted: Sat Apr 22, 2006 4:43 pm Post subject: |
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I don't have a crush on Smee...you misunderstood. I said I'd crush Smee, with all my fat fairy goodness.
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| Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2006 12:50 am Post subject: |
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No Batman style FatFairy light in the sky? Or is there no window?
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| Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2006 2:19 am Post subject: |
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| Smee wrote: | | No Batman style FatFairy light in the sky? Or is there no window? |
No, sorry, no window. 
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| Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2006 2:51 am Post subject: |
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Smeeeeeeeewaves! :biggrin:
*holds breath*
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Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here
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| Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2006 6:43 am Post subject: |
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Too many good choices for this one 
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2006 8:11 am Post subject: |
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I still think me and my magic laboratory should come into play soon. You need more non-mods in the story.
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| Posted: Tue Apr 25, 2006 9:08 am Post subject: |
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When does the poll end and when do we get a new chapter? C'mon, China, you've got an impation army of Fans here!
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| Posted: Fri Apr 28, 2006 6:15 am Post subject: |
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In that case, why hasn't it come up yet? huh? HUH!?! :biggrin:
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| Posted: Fri Apr 28, 2006 6:33 am Post subject: |
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Sorry, it wasn't quite next on this list, but I have started it! Honest!
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| Posted: Sun Apr 30, 2006 3:49 am Post subject: |
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When you said not quite, did you mean last?
Of course we believe you on this. Why would we ever doubt you?
*breaks into a fit of coughing*hem-hem
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| Posted: Thu May 04, 2006 4:29 pm Post subject: Chapter 10. Free Smee. |
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Chapter 10 – Free Smee!
“Right, I think I will be off, just popped by to gloat. Oh hello Poopkins.” The imposter picked a Chihuahua up as it scuttled in.
Smee, the real one, scowled. “I will get you,” he said, “And your little dog too.”
The imposter simply laughed, and exited the cell, stroking Poopkins.
Smee thought for a moment. Maybe Flauna was chasing the apedog, but just lately she had become a little bored with the hunt, saying it had become too easy. If he put forth enough Smeewaves then he should be able to reach her.
He concentrated. He really needed someone to do the Magic Dance of Summoning, but there was no one but himself in the cell, and he was shackled* to the wall.
#Fauna! Orc!! Can you hear me? It’s Smee, I am being held prisoner in my own mansion! There’s an imposter that looks just like me…# His power ran out and he slumped back against the wall, exhausted.
“Just have to hope it was enough” he muttered to himself.
>
Flauna was sitting in Jester park, eating daisies and trying to make a cream cake chain** when the Smeewaves struck. She fell off the toadstool she had been sitting on with a thump, cakes scattered around her.
“Smee?” she said, sitting up and spitting out flowers. “Mansion? Prisoner?” She stood up, a little wobbly. “Nobody abuses Smee except me! And maybe, the other council members. But mainly me!”
She looked around. “Where is that Orc of mine? I really need to get a leash. Never around when I need him. Oh well.” Chewing on one last daisy, she jumped up and launched herself, a little erratically, into the air.
Flying out of Jester Park the fairy wobbled through the air into the Council district, heading towards Smee’s mansion. Something distracted her and the next thing she knew she had landed in a pile of dirt.
“Oi!” said the dirt, “watch where you are going will you?”
Flauna sat up, brushing herself down as she did so. “Sorry Solomon, didn’t see you there.”
“Mmf, well. As it is you I suppose that is okay” the Soily one replied.
“You haven’t see my Orc have you?” asked Fauna.
“I think he went towards Skiffyville, something about an Apedog sighting.”
“Bah, typical, always running off playing when work needs to be done.”
“Is there anything wrong?” asked Soily. “I am a Council member now remember.” He drew himself up to his full soily height.
“And that makes you trustworthy does it?” muttered Fauna. She paused then heaved a deep sigh. “Oh, well, no-one else seems to be around. You will do I suppose.” She launched herself into the air again and hovered around Solomon’s head, making him dizzy.
“What’s the problem then? IM run off again? Chinaren started some outrageous new scandal?”
“No, it is more serious than that” said the fat fairy. She glanced around and drew closer. “We think there is some dastardly plot against the city!”
“No!” said Soily, looking shocked. Or possibly not, it was difficult to tell under the dirt.
“Yes. Chinaren has gone off with some of the others to check out the Idearium mines. Stoat is going, well, you don’t want to know really, and I am going to go to the Bananalands, just as soon as I get around to it. The whole council had a meeting about it.”
“So where were you going in such a hurry?”
“I just caught a Smeewave, I think he is in trouble.”
“Really?” said Soily. “I saw him not long ago, he looked fine. In fact, he should be at the Mayoral presentation in a little while.”
“Well, something is amiss. Come on, we are going to go and take a peek in his mansion while he is out then.” Flauna started flying off down the road.
“How are we going to get in?” asked Soily, trundling along and trying to keep up.
“Well, I can fly in, I know the frequency of his wards, and I have a small amulet that can nullify them. You, though… Mmmm.”
“Those Hellhounds are nasty brutes! I don’t fancy getting bitten by one of them.”
“But they would leave you alone after one bite of soil surely?” asked Fauna.
“Well, maybe so, but the point is they would have taken a bite, see?”
“Okay. Tell you what. We will sneak around the back and climb over the fence. Then I will distract the hounds long enough for you to sneak into the house.”
“I don’t know…” said Solomon.
“It will be fine. Come on, we are nearly there. Down Plum Pudding lane.”
They moved swiftly down the small road and then cut across the field behind Smee Mansion.
They arrived at the large Iron fence panting. “Phew, I need more healthy cakes to keep me in shape,” said Fauna. “That Stoat always eats them before I can get to them. I don’t know how she does it.”
“Okay, here looks like a good spot” said Soily, pointing to a small tree that afforded a launching point across the fence.
He heaved himself up and, after only falling off twice, managed to get into a position where he could leap into the grounds. “Are you sure I can’t just share your talisman?” he grunted, eyeing the drop, which look a lot higher now he was in the tree.
“Don’t be silly.” Said Fauna, fluttering about. “Okay, when you see them chase me make a break for it!”
“Hurry!” said Soily. “I am not sure how long I can hang on!”
The fairy nodded and zoomed over the fence. “Heeeere doggy doggy doggy! Here nice Hell hound! Where aaaareee you?”
Within moments three slavering beasts ran into view, red eyes glowing and drool dripping from their fangs. Fauna, really wishing she had eaten more cakes, swooped infront of them and then zig zagged away around the house, the hounds following and growling loudly.
Soily breathed deeply and then made a leap for it, landing in a crumpled heap on the ground. Wasting no time he staggered to his feet and lurched towards the house.
Fauna flew over an ornamental pond near the front of the mansion, the hounds in hot pursuit, and then alighted on a tree branch, panting hard. The hellhounds clustered around the trunk and sat there slavering and looking up.
Fauna looked back, judging distances. “That should be about enough time” she said, and activated her talisman.
Immediately the dogs lost interest, wandering away. Fauna watched them go, just to be sure, and then fluttered over to the back of the mansion. Following the soily footprints she traced Solomon to an open window, which he was busy climbing through.
“Nice work!” he said, falling on to a priceless antique AHA rug on the other side, ruining it for good. He looked around. “Where are we?”
“Seems to be Smee’s study. I have never been in here.” She landed on the large wooden desk, which was spread with various files and papers. She studied one. “Mmm. Do you know the Fantasy Guild is built on an ancient burial ground?”
“Really? That would explain all those noises late at night from the spare rooms” said Soily.
“Ahh, yes. Yes. That must be it.”
“Come on, we need to look around.”
“Mmmm?” replied Fauna, looking at clandestine pictures of Stoat who had been caught in some compromising positions with a large pencil-like figure. She looked up. “Oh, yes. Of course.” Pocketing one of the smaller pictures, which she thought may come in useful one day, she followed Solomon out of the door.
They snuck down the corridor, tiptoeing past the sleeping figure of Ninja Balloon, curled up in a cardboard box in the corner and muttering ‘Guild…must join guild,” in his sleep.
“Where now?” whispered Solomon as they reached a junction.
Fauna wrinkled her forehead in concentration. “This way, down here” she said, pointing down some stairs.
They quietly descended until they arrived at a small corridor filled with strong metal doors.
“Are these cells?” asked Solomon.
“Oh yes, most Council members have them. When your mansion is ready I am sure you will understand.”
“Um.” Said Solomon doubtfully.
They knocked on the only locked door they could find. “Smee? Are you in there? It’s Fauna and Solomon.”
“Thank god! Get me out of here” came the distinctive voice.
Solomon located the release lever and pulled it, swinging the door open to reveal a disheveled Smee chained to the wall.
Fauna flew in with a key she had found conveniently hung on the wall nearby and a few minutes later Smee was standing free, rubbing his wrist.
“We need to get to the Mayoral mansion before ‘I’ am sworn in as Mayor!” he said.
“Oh, that’s happened already” said Solomon.
Smee staggered back in dramatic shock, which the others ignored. Feeling a bit put out he looked around. “In that case the imposter is sitting behind the Mayors desk! We have to get in and stop him!”
“But he will have full Mayoral powers by now! How will we deafeat such power? Kinky is on a state visit to OF, and won’t be back until tomorrow.”
They all thought about the problem, except Fauna, who was wondering where the Apedog was…
*It may occur to you to wonder why Smee has a cell with shackles in his mansion. I am sure he has a good reason. I know I do… er, I mean. Look, just get on with the story and stop reading the footnotes.
**She had been sitting in the sun drinking alcofrol most of the morning.
>>>>>>
Okay then, finally finished it! Happy now?
How will they get to the imposter Smee, enclosed in the Mayoral Mansion and defeat him with his Mayoral powers?
Ideas please!
<<<<<<
_________________
Neil Hartley Books.
My Amazon page.
Last edited by Chinaren on Fri May 05, 2006 5:01 am; edited 2 times in total
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Chinaren
Hallowed IFian
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| Posted: Thu May 04, 2006 4:55 pm Post subject: |
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But remember, most of the other council members are off doing their own tasks.
I know the timeline is a little messed up here, but what can you do?
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Smee
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| Posted: Thu May 04, 2006 9:49 pm Post subject: |
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Good chapter Chinny
We have a newly promoted Demon wandering around - I'm sure he can be drafted in.
One thing that doesn't work is invisibility - the Mayoral contact lenses would have been fitted by now and they'll be no sneaking up on imposter Smee.
I say we need to bombard him with admin duties. Get all the most prolific writers churning out chapters. Get all the spare council members to petition him with any ideas they can. Get all the newbies to demand guild entrance. Open a breach in the Great Registration wall and let a few spammers in. And if we can get him to make a new forum for a SGoTM winner then he'll be distracted for hours looking for ways of uploading the picture, turning on fables and remembering to give the new Builder the correct usertitle
Then just bop him on the head 
Happy Writing
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The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
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Chinaren
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A furry Speedo, maybe?
