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 Posted: Thu Aug 09, 2012 1:18 pm Post subject: Sunlight in Winter |
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(This a piece I'm considering for my graduate application. I'd be very thankful for any critiques)
Sunlight in Winter
Part One
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.” Nancy stated quietly, and stared out the car window. Pete shrugged and kept his eyes on the road. “Okay.” he said helplessly.
Nancy crossed her arms and let herself relax into her seat. She watched the green and white hospital facade shrink away from the rear view mirror. When it finally disappeared, she blinked slowly, but didn't move.
“Can we listen to the radio?” She asked
“Your car.” Pete replied and switched the music on. Kerry Livgren's voice flowed out: “Carry on my wayward son. There will be peace when you are done. Lay your weary head to rest, don't you-”
Nancy sat up and punched a preset button. Two newscasters droned on about the upcoming town centennial.
“I hate that song.” Nancy said flatly.
The rest of the trip passed in silence. Pete wanted to say something. Something insightful and witty, that would make Nancy smile, or just break the tension of the last two days. Wit had never been his strong point, or insight, for that matter. It had always been Nancy who had the gift of seeing what everyone else missed, or explained what people thought better than they did. One of his fondest memories from childhood was the way she'd responded when he'd asked what their mother was like. His dad had looked at him like the question was a slap in the face. He'd muttered something about Pete having her eyes and left the breakfast table. When the kitchen door swung shut, Nancy had scooted next to him, and whispered like she was imparting a powerful secret: “She was like sunlight in winter.” A few months afterward, Pete had found a picture in the bottom of the kitchen junk drawer. His mom smiled warmly at him, her head resting on the shoulder of a younger version of his dad. Dad's arm encircled her stiffly, his mouth twisted into what should have been a smile. Sunlight and winter, Pete had thought at the time. Now, he looked sideways at his sister, her head resting against the car window, and for the first time realized how much of his dad he could see in her face.
After about a quarter of an hour, Pete spied the red brick house he'd been looking for, and pulled the car into the driveway. He climbed out of the car, then ran around to open Nancy's door. He supported her weight as she shuffled towards the house. He wasn't sure if she was still weak from her ordeal, or if the willpower required to move on her own had simply left her. Once inside, he guided her to the living room sofa. She sighed, stretched herself across the cushions, and kicked her shoes off. Pete had some vague idea that his sister's house must reflect her state of mind, but it was as shining and spotless as the last time he'd visited. The only difference he could tell was that the walls had been repainted a darker shade of green since the last time he'd been here. The bookshelves and furniture seemed to all be in the same place as before, although Nancy's college diploma, usually displayed on the coffee table, was absent. Pete sat on the couch next to her. He fidgeted with a loose thread on his shirt sleeve, strangely unable to look directly at her.
“Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?” He asked finally. Nancy shook her head. “Not with you.” She said.
There was no contempt or accusation in her voice, but it still stung. Before he could respond, Nancy propped herself upright and knit her brows together.
“I didn't mean it like that.”
Pete nodded. “I know. It's okay.”
Nancy relaxed, and settled back into the cushions. She stared up at the ceiling at a few minutes.
“Was there something in particular you wanted to ask?” She said.
“I'm just having a difficult time understanding.” He replied.
Nancy let another awkward silence pass before answering. “I didn't plan it or anything.” She said hesitantly. “I don't want you to think you have to hide all the sharp objects.”
“Nancy...” Pete started, but couldn't finish the thought. She sighed, and sat up. She slipped her arm around his shoulders and squeezed gently.
“This is why I didn't want to talk.” She said.
Later that night, after Nancy was asleep, Pete stayed downstairs and examined the pictures scattered around the living room. There were several photos of Nancy's of high-school and college friends, most of which she only saw at reunions. A few appeared to be co-workers at office parties, judging by the large conference table in all of them. But besides the thanksgiving picture from last year, he didn't see any family pictures. It struck him as odd that all the pictures in the room were of people she never talked about. On a whim, he hefted the thick photo album from it's place on a tall bookshelf, sat in an armchair.
The pictures started from before he was born, when mom was still around. It always fascinated him to see her pictures. People said he looked just like her; it made him feel strange, since as far as he could tell he was worlds apart form her in all other respects. She had a glow about her in every shot; a way of smiling like she knew a secret. Nancy looked nothing like mom, but she had the smile. Pete had tried to imitate it, but never got it right.
“You look constipated,” his dad had said once, when he'd tried it out. “What's wrong with you?”
Thinking about his dad, Pete was never sure whether to laugh or cry. He'd always said exactly what was on his mind, regardless of the sensibilities, age or relation of his hearers. There were lots pictures in the album of Nancy and mom in various places around their home town: The park, the movie theater, the ice cream shop, but dad was strangely absent from them. Pete wasn't sure if he'd taken the pictures, or just couldn't be bothered to go with them. According to Nancy, dad had been no-nonsense, even in those days. “I don't know what mom saw in him,” she'd said once, “I guess opposites attract.”
After flipping through a few pages, Pete found some pictures from right after he was born. One showed little Nancy holding him, a sad smile on her face. Others showed her playing peek-a-boo, feeding him baby food, and teasing him with a rattle. As Pete continued through the album, he found a lot of pictures of Nancy growing up. Her first piano recital, the the school play she starred in, the principal of her high school shaking her hand at graduation. In all of them, she was happy and smiling, just like mom.
Pete frowned. He felt that there had to be some kind of evidence of his sister's unhappiness. There had to be some hint or foreshadowing that he'd missed. He shut the album, and tried to remember if there had been any warning signs. He couldn't recall ever seeing her so much as cry when they were kids. Even when their grandmother died, she'd been a pillar of strength. She'd found him hiding under the dining room table after the funeral. He'd looked at her, with his tear-stained face, and begged her not to tell anyone where he was. She'd pressed her lips together, disappeared for a moment, then returned with a shoebox. He'd opened it and found a plush bear with the seem on its left arm ripped.
“Grizz!” He'd exclaimed, hugging his toy. “But, dad threw him out. He said I was too old.”
“He did,” Nancy had said, with that secret smile of hers, “But I rescued him when he wasn't looking.”
Pete rested his head in his hands. None of this made sense to him. He felt like the situation should be reversed If the universe was cohesive. If anything, he should be the one that wasn't able to cope. No one besides Nancy had ever believed he could, anyway. She'd always backed him up, his whole life, and told him he was more than some screw-up. Before this happened, he'd almost believed her.
_________________
"He who asks a question is a fool for five minutes; he who does not ask a question is a fool forever" - Chinese Proverb
Check out Legacy, my primary story in progress, or Prevention, an inverted mystery.
Also, if you feel like helping me out, Sunlight in Winter could use critics.
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| Posted: Thu Aug 09, 2012 1:24 pm Post subject: |
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Sunlight in Winter
Part Two
The next morning, Pete woke up to Nancy jostling him. “Pete? Did you sleep down here?” He sat up in the chair, and rubbed sleep out of his eyes. “What time is it?” He asked.
“It's mid-morning. Are you hungry.”
“Yeah, actually.”
“Come on, lets see what we can throw together.”
Pete followed Nancy into the kitchen and watched while she scrambled some eggs. She'd usually cooked when they were kids. Their Dad seemed overwhelmed by the sight of a stove, and typically didn't even come down to breakfast until the two f them were half-way through. Pete's favorite had always been the blueberry waffles she'd make on special occasions: the last day of school, his birthday, and the one and only time he won a track meet. Nancy set a plate in front of him and sat on the other side of the table.
“What are you smiling at?” she asked.
“I was thinking about my junior year, when I won that race.”
“Oh, yeah, it was a close call.”
“I remember you in the front row of the bleachers, jumping up and down and shouting like a maniac.”
Nancy chuckled. “You waited till the last second to pull in front, it was nerve-wracking. Didn't Dad take us out for pizza, or something? To celebrate?”
“No, Dad was working that time. Coach took the whole team out.”
Pete didn't add the mock-toast Nancy had done with a glass of soda and a straw. He didn't add the blank look on his Dad's face when he showed him his medal. He sometimes wondered why he'd even chosen to be a Father, if his children were such a nuisance to him. Mostly, he wondered why someone like his Mother chose to have children with him. Once, he'd overheard his grandmother on the phone, when she was over for Nancy's graduation.
“I don't know what that boy will do without her.” She'd said. “I'd hoped he'd take after Doris, like Nancy has, but he's practically a copy of Hank. Broody. If you know what I mean. The two of them left alone will just evaporate.”
Even though her friend couldn't see her, Grandma had raised her eyebrows and spread her her hands wide to emphasize the point. It seemed unfair to him that he was so much like his mother in appearance, but had none of her personality. Maybe if she had survived the car crash, she could have fixed him.
“Pete?” Nancy said quietly, breaking in on his thoughts.
“What?”
She stirred her coffee with a spoon, not looking at him. “Is it okay with you that you're here?”
“What do you mean?”
“Are you upset that you have to be here? I feel like I made you put your life on hold because I couldn't just...”
Pete wondered what it was she thought she'd failed at, but he wasn't sure he wanted to know. He reached across the table and grabbed her hand.
“Nancy, you're my sister. Nothing matters more than that.”
Nancy's shoulders slumped. Tears threatened to spill over her cheeks, put she blinked them back and continued to stare at her coffee. Pete gave her hand a squeeze. “I don't understand why you're going through this now, but I'm not going anywhere.”
Nancy tried to smile, and wiped a stray tear from her face. “It's too early for this. How about we watch awful reality shows and eat junk food.”
Pete grinned. “Sounds like a plan.”
They spent the rest of the day in the living room. Nancy dozed off from time to time, and when she was awake, didn't comment much on the shows they watched. He tried to keep on conversation going, but Nancy seemed struck mute. Pete went to bed thinking that there had been something he was supposed to say, or do during their time together, but that he'd failed to figure it out.
The next day, his alarm buzzed harshly, shocking him awake. He yawned, and clomped downstairs. Nancy was already showered and dressed, and looked up at him with surprise.
“Aren't you ready? I'm going to be late.”
“Huh?”
“Dr. Heinrich. You're supposed to drive me.”
Pete smacked the side of his face. “Oh, sorry. I forgot. Five minutes”
Pete threw on some clothes, and hustled Nancy into the car. Like the day before, they didn't talk much. But as they got closer to their destination, Nancy suddenly asked:
“Does dad know?”
“You mean about the...” he trailed off, not wanting to say it out loud.
“Emergency? That's what I meant. I listed you as my next of kin. I don't think anyone there had dad's contact info. Did you tell him?”
“I thought it was better not to.”
Nancy sighed and relaxed. “Thanks Pete. It's not that I want to keep stuff from him, it's just, how is is and everything. He wouldn't-”
“Yeah. I know.”
Once they got to the psychiatrists office, Pete offered to wait for her. Nancy shook her head.“That's sweet, but I'm going to be here for a couple of hours. I'll call you when I'm done.”
Pete decided to take the opportunity to wander around town. He'd only visited Nancy once before, for a weekend, and they'd mostly stayed in. He drove around the neighborhood, which consisted almost entirely of brick houses with small lawns and flowerbeds. Nancy didn't have any flowers in front of her house, but she did have a small cherry tree by way of apology. Pete eventually stumbled across the library, and decided to waste some time there. It was the largest building he'd seen yet in town, with big windows and deep carpet.
There weren't many people inside, and those that were refused to make eye contact. Pete eventually grabbed a few mystery novels that looked interesting, and hurried over to the Librarian's counter. The Librarian was a middle aged woman with pink lipstick, and a thick pair of glasses. She smiled in a nervous way when Pete handed her the books.
“Are you new in town, sir?” She asked.
“Just visiting.”
The librarian glanced quickly down at the books she was holding, and back at Pete as if they were large stacks of bills he planned to abscond with.
“I'll be here for a while.” He said. “Probably more than just a visit, actually.”
“Oh, I see.” She replied, and handed him the books. “You have family here?”
“Yeah, my sister.”
“That's nice. Have a good day Sir.”
Pete left feeling again like he was supposed to do or say something that he'd neglected. He drove back to Nancy's house, and for lack of anything to do, began flipping through the pages of one of the books he'd brought. He couldn't focus though, and kept re-reading the same page. Even though he knew it was silly, he felt nervous being away from Nancy. Ever since he'd got the call the night she was in the hospital, he'd been overwhelmed by alternating waves of fear for her life, and guilt over not being there. He'd dropped everything to rush over, which honestly wasn't much. A dead-end part-time job, and one quarter of a degree he had no desire to finish. When Nancy moved a couple of years ago, after her promotion, he'd felt the loss immediately. He'd often suspected that he didn't have much of a chance on his own, without his big sister to back him up. It hadn't occurred to him before that it might have been difficult for her too. Anxiety seemed foreign to her nature, and everyone that met her loved her instantly. At least, that's what he'd always thought.
_________________
"He who asks a question is a fool for five minutes; he who does not ask a question is a fool forever" - Chinese Proverb
Check out Legacy, my primary story in progress, or Prevention, an inverted mystery.
Also, if you feel like helping me out, Sunlight in Winter could use critics.
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PaperSwan
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| Posted: Thu Aug 09, 2012 1:26 pm Post subject: |
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Sunlight in Winter
Part Three
The door-bell chimed, interrupting his brooding. He switched the TV off and answered the door. A man in a brown suit stood in front of him, carrying a small covered pot and a slightly sheepish expression. Upon seeing Pete, he flinched.
“Who are you?” He asked, clearly startled.
“Peter.” Pete answered, unimpressed by the visitor's demand. The man eyed him with suspicion.
“I might have the wrong house. I'm looking for Nancy Sullivan.”
“Right house. I'm her brother.”
The man visibly relaxed. “Oh, you're Pete. Of course! She only talks about you all the time. Fred Bolton. I work with Nancy.”
“Oh, you're Freddy!” Pete said, imitating the visitor's excessive cheer. “Nancy's told me all about you!” She actually had never mentioned him, but Pete had taken an instant dislike to him he couldn't explain.
“Really? Fred asked, clearly pleased. “Is Nancy here by chance?”
“No, she's at” Pete caught himself just in time, “uh, the doctor's.”
“Yeah, I heard she was sick. Is she okay? I made her some soup.” He held up the pot in his hands proudly.
For a moment Pete was at a loss. He had no idea how to respond without giving away what had happened, and he got the impression Nancy wouldn't want this guy knowing. He took the pot from Fred tentatively.
“Um, Thanks. I'm sure she'll appreciate it.”
“Tell her everyone at the office misses her. Oh, and we hope she feels better soon.”
“I'll tell her for you.”
Fred thanked him and left, stopping halfway to his car to turn around and wave. Pete forced a smile and waved back. He shut the front door behind him and leaned against it. “Creepy.” He said out loud. He put the soup in the kitchen, and went back to watching TV. After he'd brought Nancy home, he mentioned Fred's visit.
“Oh, him.” Nancy said with mild irritation.
“Not one of your favorite people?”
“There isn't really anything wrong with him exactly. He just puts people off.”
“He said everyone missed you.”
Nancy snorted. “He says 'everyone' when he means himself. He's been asking me out for weeks.”
“I take it you're not interested?” Pete said with feigned disbelief. Nancy chucked a throw pillow at him.
“Just thinking about dating someone like that is exhausting. He's like Santa Claus on crack. And he's far too domestic.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means he wants the house with the picket fence, the three kids, the golden retriever, all that. I don't want that.”
“What do you want?”
An odd expression flitted across Nancy's face. “You know, it's funny you saying that. Dr. Heinrich asked exactly the same thing. She said I perused goals because they were expected, and I never stopped to ask myself if it was what I wanted to do.”
“You always seemed happy about them before.”
Nancy laughed bitterly. “Yeah, I sure could fake a good smile for the camera. A trick I learned from mom.”
Pete started. He felt like someone had poured a bucket of cold water over his head. Nancy looked at him searchingly.
“Do you remember what I told you about mom, when we were kids?”
Pete nodded. “That she was like sunlight in winter.” He said.
“She really was,” Nancy continued, “But not the way I think you thought I meant. She had a lot of problems. I remember her telling me once she felt like she was drowning in a wading pool. But she knew that small things can make a difference. No matter how bad things got, she'd find something good to focus on. It was usually something insignificant, something that didn't make everything okay by a long shot. But it kept her going.”
“What keeps you going now, after this?”
for a split second, the old Nancy appeared. A smile brightened her face, and she gave Pete a playful tap on the shoulder.
“I'm very glad you're here, Pete.” Was all she said
Over the next few weeks, the glimmer Pete saw didn't return. Nancy spent most of her time on the couch, staring into nothing. She hardly spoke, and when she did, it was about things Pete believed he should have seen, or stopped. Sometimes, Pete would take out the photo album again, and wonder if anything it showed was real. One day, after picking Nancy up from her appointment, She flopped onto the couch as usual, and switched on the TV. Pete got a blanket from the closet, and spread it out over her. He tuned to leave, but Nancy called him back.
“Hey, Pete?” She said.
“What?”
“Thanks.”
Pete smiled at her affectionately. It was a small moment. But it was enough.
_________________
"He who asks a question is a fool for five minutes; he who does not ask a question is a fool forever" - Chinese Proverb
Check out Legacy, my primary story in progress, or Prevention, an inverted mystery.
Also, if you feel like helping me out, Sunlight in Winter could use critics.
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Syranore
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| Posted: Thu Aug 09, 2012 2:47 pm Post subject: |
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Okey-dokey, I'm here, as promised. Overall, few mistakes here and there but mostly solid. You should be careful with your capitalization of mother and father. They're only capitalized when used as titles/name replacements. Hello, Mother. You are my mother.
An odd expression flitted across Nancy's face. “You know, it's funny you saying that. Dr. Heinrich asked exactly the same thing. She said I perused goals because they were expected, and I never stopped to ask myself if it was what I wanted to do.”
I think you meant 'pursued', not perused.
Aside from that, can't see anything else. Spelling and grammar are both otherwise correct, I think.
I'll be honest and say that the story wasn't really my flavor, but I think that's more a matter of personal preference than anything wrong with the story. It's probably just me, but in quite a few places it came off as a little dry regarding such an emotional subject matter.
Otherwise, well-written.
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Directive Chapter 2 -Complete
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| Posted: Thu Aug 09, 2012 6:05 pm Post subject: |
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Please keep in mind that I am a very blunt person. Take everything I say with a grain of salt. A whole boulder, even. It's clear that you're not a beginner. So rather than waste time with warm fuzzies, I'm going to cut to the chase.
There's a missing carrage space after Pete's "Five mintues" line, and a missing letter 'o' in 'of' in the second part, around the breakfast scene. It's heavy on dialogue, and low on description. Not that this is a bad thing- just something to keep in mind. Going through the back and forth banter and putting in more details may be worth it, depending on whether or not the dialogue is meaningful, or just filler.
Some of the flashbacks aren't quite isolated well. The scene where Nancy gives Pete his stuffed bear back, in particular, was a bit disjointed.
The whole library scene seems a bit pointless. Outside of getting him to leave Nancy alone at the doctor's, it really doesn't do anything for the story. You've made the setting feel like a large suburb for an even bigger city up to this point, but then you have the librarian act as though she can recognize everyone in town on sight. I'm also not a big fan of the phrase 'abscond with'. It's grammatically correct, but it sounds awkward and a bit forced, as if you just recently learned what the word meant, and were trying to use it any way you could.
In general, the pacing of this story is very odd. You take your slow, sweet time for the majority of the story, making sure we know what Pete and Nancy are doing at any given point, and slowing the time even more by cutting away to flashback and nostalgia scenes. Which is fine, up until the last few paragraphs of the story, when we rush ahead by a matter of weeks just so we can get the concluding payoff. It's not a bad exchange... but considering the slow pace of three days versus the neck-breaking rush of months... the whole scene falls flat because the reader is too busy reeling from the speed boost. It feels like you suddenly realized how long the story would take to write, so you just half-assed an ending and called it good. Not that Nancy should be cured that quickly, mind you... but if the events in the first half could be spread more, I think it'd make the work stronger. Maybe Fred could visit a few weeks later? Maybe it takes some time before Pete finds the family album? The last few paragraphs are the first time in the story where you summarize large gaps of time rather than detail them out. Even just having a summary gap in the middle as well would help.
I'm not a 'slice of life' kind of guy, but... it seems like Pete and Nancy almost, but don't actually have, a Hallmark moment. Which makes me feel like there's a whole lot of buildup, and then nothing. Or like I'm reading an excerpt from the exact middle of a novel. It wasn't a bad read... but I feel like the story never went anywhere. You could stop reading halfway through, or only read the second half, and you wouldn't lose much.
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| Posted: Thu Aug 09, 2012 8:29 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for responding guys. About your comments:
This is very much not finished. I'm planning the end result to be about twice as long. A comment was made about the library scene, it really is out of place in this draft, it's supposed to be the first in a series of excursions that illustrate Pete's feelings of displacement in his sister's town. Also, Fred will form a part of the conclusion in the finished version. However, it will not end with Nancy being cured.
As far as that goes, my main question is about characterization: while I know that they still need work, does the relationship between Nancy and Pete seem believable; more specifically, does it make sense that a guy would behave this way towards a disturbed family member?
About the tone and narrative style, this also needs work. What I'm trying to do is this: The slow pacing and closely followed actions is intentional. I'm attempting to mirror the kind of lethargy that often happens in depressive episodes, as well as the tendency to hyper-introspect and analyze oneself. I'm also trying to provide only essential details about back story, in an effort to mimic the struggle of family members to make sense of depression in their loved ones.
In this capacity, here is my main question: Is this a good tactic? Assuming that I'm able to succeed in this narrative style, is an effective way of communicating with the audience?
Thanks very much you guys, for responding so quickly.
_________________
"He who asks a question is a fool for five minutes; he who does not ask a question is a fool forever" - Chinese Proverb
Check out Legacy, my primary story in progress, or Prevention, an inverted mystery.
Also, if you feel like helping me out, Sunlight in Winter could use critics.
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| Posted: Thu Aug 09, 2012 11:14 pm Post subject: |
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Oh, I am so glad to hear you say that. So:
-I'm referring to that shared sibling moment at the end of the story as "cured". I cerrtainly would not expect to see anything more extensive than that. She's not about to regain her perky, happy-go-lucky nature from before- assuming it wasn't an act. She's got a lot of repression to work through. And so does he, although we don't see much growth from him yet.
-Things like "lots of coworker photos" and "office party" made me think she was working an office job in a huge corporation in a huge city- doubly so if there's a hospital and a mental specialist. So if Pete is feeling displaced, I think it woudl be less "Oh you're new here why are you here" and more "No stranger knows or cares about you".
-The relation does seem to be pretty believable- to me, at least. The "why didn't I see this coming" moments are pretty spot on. But along with those comradery moments, I'd also expect to see some strife. They've been independent for some time- having to live back under the same roof brings back old feuds and old annoying habits.
-The pacing is fine, as long as the ending will eventually match suit. The latter part, mimimizing flashbacks in order to echo the struggle of family, is definitely coming through. The former, I'm not so convinced. Especially since the narrator is not, so far as I can tell, struggling with depression. So having Pete's narrative mimic what Nancy is going through seems odd. The slow style mixed with hyper-introspection works here- the beginning is solid- but I just don't agree with the claim that this style is symbolic of depressive lethargy. It's an effective way to communicate with the audicence, but I'm not sure it's as great as you're invisioning.
-Also, I notice that the beginning has specific details- Kansas lyrics, naming the singer by name... and you don't do that anywhere else in the story. All the rest of the proper nouns and details in your story are generic, of your own mind. It makes the radio song out of place. On the other hand, it's a really great scene, and it doesn't worth with generic details... maybe have Pete reading a specific book from the library? Throw in some other real-world details to firmly plant this story as being modern contemporary.
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| Posted: Fri Aug 10, 2012 5:43 am Post subject: |
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Hmmm, the Kerry Livgren thing didn't occur to me at all. I think I could work more of those in.
_________________
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Check out Legacy, my primary story in progress, or Prevention, an inverted mystery.
Also, if you feel like helping me out, Sunlight in Winter could use critics.
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