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Shady Stoat
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Joined: 02 Oct 2005
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Location: England
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 Posted: Wed Dec 28, 2005 9:44 am Post subject: The National IF-quirer ( DEBUT ISSUE) |
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Since I put up the first City of IF news articles, a fair amount of interest has been shown in the idea. So I thought:
Let’s do it properly and set up a free newspaper, where it truly belongs. In the marketplace. Yes, I know, I said it would be free, and it will be. There’s no saying people can’t buy advertising space in it, though. Very reasonable rates. 1Fable/word, anything you want to buy, sell or promote – from your latest storygame, to a crate full of dodgy wheeled Christmas toys from OF. The topic will be locked, to prevent the profiteers and the paparazzi getting in on the act. However, a simple PM to either of the Marketplace moderators (ie. Chinaren and I) is all it will take.
Chinaren has agreed to co-edit the National IF-quirer with me. Anybody wanting to help, contact one of the two of us, we’ll see what can be done. If, on the other hand, you aren’t happy with an article for any reason, or don’t want to be included in these journalistic efforts, PM either Chinaren or I, and let us know. This is intended to be a bit of light-hearted fun, nothing more.
Hopefully, over time, we can meet the required English standard of tabloid journalism, creating an entire history of IF with no factual content whatsoever.
And for our first trick…
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Shady Stoat
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Joined: 02 Oct 2005
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Posts: 2950
Location: England
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| Posted: Wed Dec 28, 2005 9:49 am Post subject: |
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A Very Mayor-y Christmas
The City of IF celebrated its second Christmas in style this year. Invitations have been flying thicker and faster than a pixie on steroids. Many of the more prominent citizens have been summoned to the Mayor’s Residential Palace, for a no-holds-barred Seasonal Bash.
Using the words ‘Christmas Party’ would seem rather unfitting, for a celebration that is now into its third day and still going strong. In fact, there seem to be more guests now than when the party first started, outnumbering the total invitations by two-to-one.
“I really don’t know how they’re managing to sneak in,” said the Mayor’s personal bodyguard in an exclusive interview. “I mean, we’ve got the pit traps and the deathmaze, out there in the garden; we have the fire-breathing demondogs guarding all the entrances – and if that fails, we’ve got Mr. Smee singing karaoke in the main hall. We’ve already had to send seven people to the City Hospital with severe migraines and bleeding eardrums – yet still they come. Some people just can’t seem to take ‘no’ for an answer. By the way, Miss, can I see your invitation?”
Unfortunately, at this point, the bodyguard had to hurry away to deal with a possible threat to the Mayor’s safety. The alarm had been raised when an unknown assailant attempted to gain entrance to His Worship’s private study via the chimney. The invader was subsequently subdued by targeted use of the karaoke machine, two extra-blast speakers and a selection from The Osmonds’ Greatest Hits.
More recently, further facts have come to light regarding this issue. It seems that the trespasser was none other than Saint Nicholas himself – or the IF-ian equivalent thereof. Mr. Chinaren, chairman of Chinaren Enterprises, seems to have taken it upon himself to keep the Christmas spirit alive this year. Equipped with a dozen or more elves from his factory’s slave labour force, a sackful of authentic WheelieDibs and a sled drawn by eight Moose-eye, he attempted to find his way into the party.
Mr. Chinaren himself is unavailable for comment at this time, having become stuck in his desperate scramble to escape the effects of the music by clawing his way up the chimney again. The mayor’s butler is apparently taking up a sweepstake on how long it will be before the chairman of Chinaren Inc. is rescued (or starves down enough to fit down the chimney naturally). Though we could not speak to Mr. Chinaren direct, one of his hired elves had this to say:
“He’s stuck up there? You mean, really stuck? You didn’t happen to rescue any of his money-pouches by any chance? No? Well, he keeps some gold in one of his boots, that should be easy enough to get hold of. I mean, we’ve got wages owing and…
“What? Oh, you want to know why he went down the chimney? Well, first of all he said he was doing it for the kiddies. That had us all rolling in the aisles, I can tell you. Then, when we could finally get our faces straight again, he said it was because the Mayor’s party invite was late. Still hasn’t arrived, as a matter of fact. Can’t think what His Worship was doing, letting slip an invitation as important as that. So… about that money?”
As a matter of fact, many influential citizens (and members of the media) have mysteriously been left off the Mayor’s special list this year. As tax-paying citizens, this reporter feels sure that the public of IF will call for a full inquiry into the situation in the New Year.
That is, if the Christmas Party ever ends…
Of course, it is not only Mr. Chinaren who has had to slip into the Palace by less-than-straightforward means. Late into the second evening of the celebration, crowds gathered in the gardens to watch a spectacular firework display. They were somewhat less impressed when the effects turned out to be a fleet of flying saucers cluttering up the skies of IF.
“It was just plain flashy,” grumbled one of the spectators. “They were diving and swooping around like they owned the place. Then, when the aliens came down to earth, all two-hundred or so of ‘em, it’s all synchro-swimming in the champagne fountain and nicking all the breadsticks and dragging people in to play ‘hunt the probe’. Not our sort of people - I mean bug-eyed-monsters – at all!”
It seems that this worthy citizen was not the only voice raised in complaint. The aliens’ valet parking procedures appear to have upset the local Farmers’ Union. They are currently picketing the Mayor’s mansion, armed with such slogans as:
Aliens go park your ships in someone else’s fields!
And:
Leav the crop circles to the hoacksers! Go home, aliun scumm!*
Nobody seems sure of how the Greys became aware of the Mayor’s Christmas-bash, although a certain Mr. That-Be is notorious, in some areas of IF, for his late-night Flying-Saucer Parties. However, he seems unavailable for comment at this time, having apparently led a line of conga-dancers into the Deathmaze earlier this evening.
Keeping you updated as it happens…
Sarah Snoopley, ace reporter.
*Nobody said they were well-educated farmers
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Shady Stoat
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Joined: 02 Oct 2005
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Location: England
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| Posted: Thu Dec 29, 2005 3:56 am Post subject: |
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Business and Tech news.
Profits of Doom: Smeebay up for bid?
Rumors that Smeebay is being taken over in a hostile takeover bid by Chinaren Inc. have been firmly not commented on by both parties.
Talk of a takeover have been rife, ever since Smeebay profits fell 300% after increasing it’s cut on all auctions from 1% to 93%, a move that was labelled ‘they are greedy bast*rds’ by one unimpressed patron, who was selling second hand WheelieDibs.
When asked what business he had in the Smeebay headquarters in downtown IF, spokesman for Chinaren Inc, Bob McBobsky said he had ‘been visiting a friend’ and ‘get that microphone orb out of my face or I will stuff it (censored)’. This response is in no way linked to this publications upcoming expose about the private life of some well known celebrity figures around the city, and what they were doing behind the ‘Blue Shellfish‘ (the so-called ‘Gentlemen’s’ Club), in the seedy Muaddib district last Sunday night.
When this paper called founder of Smeebay, tycoon author Mr. ‘Sempa’ Smee, he said: “I was never near the Blue Shellfish last Sunday and if you say I was I will have the lawyers down on you like a ton of Mayor.’ When asked about the takeover he responded: “Oh yes, ahem, that. Er, no comment.” and cut the communications orb connection.
Shares in Smeebay have risen 32%, raising questions of market manipulation.
=======
This story is a Chinaren product and is subject to all tradmark and copyright requirements thereof
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Chinaren
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Joined: 05 Sep 2005
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Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com
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| Posted: Thu Mar 30, 2006 5:22 pm Post subject: ASS cracks case! |
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ASS uncovered!
Crack team cleans up mess.
The Anti Spam Squad, or ASS for short, swung into action earlier today as reports of an attack by a suspected OF agent filtered through the city.
The ASS were called out, and promptly nabbed the culprit red handed in Stoat’s back garden. What he was doing there remains a mystery, though the IFquirer has received this statement from Stoat’s gardener:
"An OF agent? Really? Well oi never! Oi just thought 'e was one of the Mistress' special guests. He looked just loike 'em - toight black clothing and carrying a whip 'e was, Sorr. And when oi heard the screams an' the foighting - well, oi just assumed the Mistress was playing her little games, if you know what oi mean?"
At this point, the gardener unaccountably leant forward and winked at this reporter. "An' when all's said and done, Sorr... it pays the gardener's wages, don't it?"
ASS slipped away before this intrepid reporter could probe it, but the Mayor, dressed in a funky purple and pink silk bathrobe, issued a slurred statement from outside his mansion:
‘Just remember, we're all part of the Anti-Spam Squad.’and he urged citizens to be on the lookout for other hostile agents.
He then went back inside his Mansion where jaccuzi parties with several Bananaland houris have rumored to have been held.
Meanwhile the ‘perp’ (name withheld for security reasons) was promtly hauled off to the ASS center, or ‘The Hole’ as prisoners refer to it, where he was quickly but cruely de-souled. The removed soul was reportedly taken to IM mines for “safe keeping”, though IM wouldn’t comment on this, saying: “Get the <expletive deleted> out of my kitchen!” when this reporter asked him about it.
The remaining body was sold off to Chinaren Labs, where it would be ‘Put to a good and profitable use’ according to Bob McBobsky, spokesman.
Finally the editor would just like to add that it is the duty of all IF citizens to remain alert. The agents of the ‘Axle of Terror’ could strike at any time!
*Credit to Stoat and Key for relevant sections.
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