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Joined: 21 Oct 2004
Posts: 4123
Location: Hollywood, USA

Posted: Thu May 05, 2005 2:14 pm    Post subject:  

About 7 months.....

Sheerluck holmes has been delayed by the virus, but I will get on it soon....
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Joined: 21 Oct 2004
Posts: 4123
Location: Hollywood, USA

Posted: Tue May 10, 2005 2:25 am    Post subject:  

Chapter 5

"Well," I said, "why not visit the parakeet house while speaking to Aghsdhsduggshd?"

Holmes smiled ruefully.

"Whichston, you never fail to amaze me. If I hadn't known that you and this author had no trace of originality in you, I would have never asked you, of course, but that is inconsequencial. As I was saying Wichston, great ideas come from humble men! Great ideas, I say! Especially since I wrote your next step in my notebook half an hour before you even thought of it."

"Why..., thank you Holmes, I never expected praise from you!" I said thankfully, submerged for the first time in Holmes' praise.

"You're welcome, are indeed simple..."he murmured to himself.

"What was that?"

" the way, who is Aghsdhsduggshd?" said Holmes curiously.

"I don't know Holmes, it just popped into my head, like if I were made to say it."

"Typical of this author Wichston, as well as this dumb joke he's typing into my speech right now. Oh, by the way, Wichston, you have utterly failed in your mission. You are horribly bad as a detective Wichston, and you will never accomplish anything like I have done."

"What mission?" said I, beaten aback by his sudden outburst.

"Hmmm,"said Holmes "I'm not quite sure, but I recall that in another episode I had you go in a mission, and I forgot to criticize you, because I was in chase of my left sock so I did it now."

"Oh, you mean, 'The case of the left sock'?"

"Yes, yes, and Wichston, in the future, please do NOT categorize my daily life in cases. I'm tired of you following me around in my house, writing down everything I do.

"Sorry." I said, simply.

"Anyway, I was thinking..."he said as he rubbed his chin.

"And what were you thinking?" I said to my companion.

"Young readers before used to devour me and my knowledge voraciously, but now, I've noticed a lack of interest. Therefore, I have decided to write a rap song to publicize myself."

"But Holmes!"

"Tut, tut, Wichston, all is neccessary. I have recruited Stephens help."

I was astonished to see Stephen walking at our side. Suddenly, a crowd of oddly and scandalously dressed woman came, strangely imitating the movement of a snake, while petting Holmes, who now had a huge golden chain hanging on his neck, which appeared fake. I was not very suprised after this, to find myself in the same ridiculous outfits as the girls.

"Holmes, this is going too far!"

"Don't ruin the mood, Whichston. Let me begin:

-Yo Holmes, Yo Holmes
Yo Stephen, Yo Stephen
-How are you, how are you?
Fuck you, old chap
This IS a rap song! I'm going to kick your keester, slap you in your face, hit on your beloved wife, and shankle you with my fine knife.

Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!

-What have I done to you, Holmes?

Yeah! Yeah!
Ye- Answer me Holmes!

Fuck off, Stephen, or I'll cough your boff!
You're as straight as a rainbow, I can topple you if I blow
Equal to Wichston you are smart, and you have a weak heart!
The ladies run from you, your skin looks blue
You're a loser, and you just lost her!

*crowd says: OOOOOOOHHHHH*

-Holmes, I've been your friend for thirty years, why are you doing this to me?

Don't call me hommie, cause I ain't yours, biatch! (I confess that during this part I finally summed up the courage to pet Holmes, the big daddy, along with the other girls.)
You suck, if at least you learned to catch!

-Holmes, you know I have a weak heart, don't do this to me!

I hate you, you were never my friend, just someone who money to me would lend
So Fuck Off, I don't need you no more, you dumb, bloody stupid bastard, I've played my game and now you're done for!

Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yea-*Stephen wriggles around the floor and dies in agony while shouting-Why Holmes, why?*
Yeah! Yeah!"

I opened my mouth in astonishment.

"That was incredible, Holmes!"

"Yes, too bad about Stephen, eh, Wichston?" said he in an off-sided manner, as we miraculously returned to our normal clothes and all the women dissapeared.

"That doesn't matter Holmes, I wish I could have sacrificed myself for you like that." I said truthfully.

"Really?" said he, "Well, I do have a second song, and-"

"Well, let's leave it for later, shall we not? Look, we have arrived at our destination in the exact moment that I tried to excuse myself and at the same exact moment that the author ran out of things to say! What a coincidence." I interrupted.

Holmes grimaced.

"Typical of this author, Wichston...Anyway, let us have a look around while you return to your narrator mode."

Holmes and I had arrived in one of the urban areas of the small town, but it somehow seemed detached from the rest of the town, for there was a brief walk of a quarter of a mile leading through a dirt path into the forest, at the end of which I could observe a small rooftop. Indeed, I had returned back into my boring narrating. As we advanced, I could make the house out clearer and clearer through the foliage. At one point, I revealed a clue of the mystery by describing a small patch of woodland in which the curb in the path occluded the view of the next stretch of the road.

"Did you notice something very peculiar about that patch of woodland, Wichston?" Holmes asked me.

"Well, I did notice that it's probably part of the mystery, or I wouldn't have mentioned it." I said with deep thought.

"Exactly! Therefore, my dear Wichston, we may suppose that there is something in this patch of woodland that we must look for." As he talked, he continued walking out of the patch.

"Why not look for it now, Holmes."

"Elementary, my dear Wichston! Mainly because when I examine the house, I can come back, find this object, and that way, when you ask me how I knew it was there, I can say I was looking for it, and not reveal anything, so that everything seems more suspensful than it actually is, and finally, I can reveal all the mystery in the end, and everybody will be very disappointed because it's so simple, and then I will enjoy my victory at making everyone in the world feel stupid! Oh, and then I can smoke opium." He panted as he ran out of breath, confused between all the commas.
"You are a genius Holmes!" I shouted.

"Shh, not so loud, Wichston, let us go now."

We finally made it to the parakeet man's house. A man was walking swiftly away from there. He was tall, big, and bad, which made it the perfect reason for Holmes to trip him with his cane as he passed by, giving us a chance to examine him.

"What do you think you're doing?" he said angrily.

"Why, hello, Mr. Aghsdhsduggshd."

The prophecy had become true!

"I'm not Mr.Aghsdhsduggshd." he said in a stupor.

"Oh?" said Holmes, feigning surprise "Then I suppose that your name tag says John, eh?"

He looked down at himself.

"Well, yes, it does say that...I don't even know why I wear it anymore, I guess it has become a custom since I retired from teaching 30 years ago."

"You still wear it?" I said.

"As I said, it's a custom. Well, goodbye gentlemen."

And he left! Without giving us a clue at all! And Holmes was actually wrong for once!

*Note from the author: Due to various complaints from two individuals, who won't give me any rest, I have edited the above segment. It now looks like this.

"Yes, you're right, except I'm Mr. Aghsdhsdugg, distant cousin to Mr. Aghsdhsduggshd."

"Ah!" said Holmes, "Is he as big and bad as you?"

"I am afraid so." said the gentleman as he put on his hat and left, calmly.

"Whichston," Holmes said to me "This can only mean that
Mr. Aghsdhsduggshd was in this after all! Well, let us continue..."

After a few more minutes, we arrived at the house. It was a small cabin full of evil vampires, and...whoops, wrong story. Point is, we went inside the small cabin. Inside, was a man, cleaning up with a broom, and scrubbing the floor maniacly. This struck me as strange, for although I always do the cleaning for Holmes, because he says I am the 'femenine' part of the relationship, men don't acustom to clean.

"Hullo, and what are you doing, my dear sir?"

The man looked up, and hurriedly put the broom and cloth away while he talked rapidly.

"Oh, nothing, just cleaning. Well, I'm done now. I'll be going. Good bye, gentlemen."

And he left without another word. Holmes examined the spot.

"Clean as a bell. Well, I guess this explains a lot. Whichston, the conclusion of this episode is up to you. Do you, with your minor intelligence know who the killer is? Do you at least want to guess before I give the answer?"
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Joined: 16 Feb 2005
Posts: 2567
Location: USA

Posted: Tue May 10, 2005 4:48 am    Post subject:  

Another hilarious chapter, as anticipated. First thing to note, a few typos:
D-Lotus wrote: but that is inconsequencial...

Young readers before used to devour me and my knoledge voraciously, bu now...

oddly and scandalously dressed woman came...

miraculously returned to our normal clothes and all the women dissapeared...

so that everything seems more suspensful than it actually is...
Now my obsolute favorite part of this whole fiasco:
D-Lotus wrote: (I confess that during this part I finally summed up the courage to pet Holmes, the big daddy, along with the other girls.)
I suppose it bears testament to my sick little mind that I continue to find this one line endlessly funny. The entire image that the rap conjures brings about a hearty chuckle; this parody would work well at the local theatre.

I haven't a clue as to the identity of the killer, but shall continue to mull over the sketchy evidence in an attempt to devine the truth.
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Posted: Tue May 10, 2005 10:35 am    Post subject:  

Another great chapter, as usual. Lots more author-character participation this time. I love the bit about the mysterious woods. Genius...
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Joined: 27 Oct 2004
Posts: 917
Location: Western North America

Posted: Tue May 10, 2005 12:49 pm    Post subject:  

Funny stuff D! I will now explain my thoughts on this latest chapter... in Aghsdhsduggshd-nese.

Fhjhdjenfjehll samjdfneid snmdndfie Holmes, kghodjfik diwodheyth sgsshgss poendysht beat-box qweriushu vnfehofowdj fhihdi, shhduihij (jdkfhiniksnms), woeiyhejej - jiggyjay! Jiggyjay!

Iuhtghsys isrheh oshjiow nmndnb osiojw odhhj? Oishshww... fishjrhehn tiug woashd muharahamanapadafisten! Padafistin.

- Ooglyoolioo Dept.
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Posted: Tue May 10, 2005 11:35 pm    Post subject:  

Jiigyjay? I think you mean Jiggyhay. Honestly. Can't trust you and your spellings. Or was it just a typo?
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Joined: 21 Oct 2004
Posts: 4123
Location: Hollywood, USA

Posted: Wed May 11, 2005 2:34 am    Post subject:  

I edited some typos and corrected the Name plate thing to name tag.

Reiso, was that supposed to mean anything?

Anyway, thanks for the support guys. Sheerluck holmes is almost ready, and I hope you guys enjoyed it. NOW GUESS WHO THE CONSPIRATORS WERE!
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Joined: 02 Apr 2005
Posts: 932
Location: You don't want to know

Posted: Fri May 13, 2005 12:28 pm    Post subject:  

Hey D.
lol. I've only just read it and its wicked. I like the rap its funy. :twisted:.
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Joined: 21 Oct 2004
Posts: 4123
Location: Hollywood, USA

Posted: Sat May 14, 2005 6:20 am    Post subject:  

Thank you, thanks you...but can someone suggest an option?
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Joined: 21 Oct 2004
Posts: 4123
Location: Hollywood, USA

Posted: Fri May 27, 2005 2:38 pm    Post subject:  

I present to you the longest poll ever to be made...curiously, there was only one suggestion, but in a parody, everything is now VOTE!
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Joined: 21 Oct 2004
Posts: 4123
Location: Hollywood, USA

Posted: Sat May 28, 2005 9:31 am    Post subject:  

So for the moment, people think Sheerluck himself did it?

Well, we'll see, anything can happen in a parody.

And those of you who haven't voted...Vote now on the poll with the most options ever....!
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Joined: 21 Oct 2004
Posts: 4123
Location: Hollywood, USA

Posted: Tue May 31, 2005 6:52 pm    Post subject:  

5 votes and no replies?

This is all for the longest poll in IF history?
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