City of IF

[D-Lotus]

Not because of a case of failing memory, but rather out of a duty to posterity, I am recording within this thread some of my funny thoughts. Some people may even consider them jokes.

When Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon, the man on the moon filed suit for trespassing.

The invisible man's vanity drove him into a long plastic surgery operation with no discernable results.

The paper doll was confronted by a dilemma; he could either freeze to death in the wild, or build a fire.

As a means of precaution, the chocolate castle was moved away from the orphanage.

The book was so old that it was even out-of-date for worms.

In the annual reunion of mythical creatures, only the phoenix dared taunt the dragon's fiery breath.

The proud wine, unconscious of its poisoning, took it as a personal criticism when the victim dropped dead.

The rash was embarassed, so it blushed.*

Have you heard of the giant giant? What about the liliputian liliputian?

The Camembert cheese had body odor issues.**

The unfortunate worm regretted his lack of attention when he discovered that the apple was actually Rudolf's nose.

Fortunately, as an adolescent, the devil's complexion hid his pimples.

The sun and the moon are God's testicles. What are they doing swinging back and forth over the earth- are we missing the big picture?
____________
*This joke is a bit rash
**This joke stinks!

I you considered any of these as other than meaningless and confuddling, pray tell! It would greatly encourage me to post any more thoughts I have. Bear in mind that I will be updating this first post rather than posting further. Also, if you have any of your own jokes you'd like to share, go ahead.

If you would like to complain about the indecency of this thread, or complain to me about the ill-example I am providing with my distasteful wit, I will gladly listen you. Simply send me a letter to this address:

Lousy Complaint, c/o Moron Watch, 6666 Imbecility St., Baghdad, Hell.

Thank-you for your painstakingly intense efforts in aiding me improve myself and my jokes. :D

[Guest]

I never spurted milk from my nose, but Coca cola yes and that hurt!! alot!! -nightshade

Me, No I haven't.

[The White Blacksmith]

Does apple juice count?

[Chinaren]

You want jokes? You want jokes? You can't handle the jokes in...


Career:

What NOT to put on your CV:

"I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."

”Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

"Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."

"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

Adult

<Censored>

Religion.

The Pope is taking a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally feels the need to empty his scrotal sacs, and this is one of these occasions. Just as he shoots his load, he sees a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air. "Hold on a minute" says the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church.
This picture is my lottery win,” says the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life.” So the Pope offers to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrive at a figure of two million quid. The Pope then dries himself off, and heads off with his new camera. He meets his housekeeper, who spots the camera. "That looks like a really good camera," she says, "how much did it cost you?"
"Two million quid" replies the Pope. "TWO MILLION QUID!" says the housekeeper, "They must have seen you coming."


Sports

“Two Andy Gorams, there's only two Andy Gorams..."
* Kilmarnock fans to the Rangers keeper after he had been diagnosed with mild schizophrenia.

"I've told the players we need to win so that I can have the cash to buy some new ones"
* Chris Turner, Peterborough manager, before LC QF, 1992.

"Tell the Kraut to get his ass up front. We don't pay a million for a guy to hang around in defence."
* NY Cosmos executive, on Beckenbauer's positioning.

"I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered"
* George Best.

"If we played like that every week we wouldn't be so inconsistent"
* Bryan Robson, Man U, 1990.

Men & Women


Subject: If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules":

Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.



Sayings, quotes and one-liners..…


The feet you step on today may be connected to the behind you kiss tomorrow.

If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.

If you want your refrigerator's icemaker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water.

It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.

How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?


Misc

A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom.
The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the7-year old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'." The 4-year-old happily agrees.
As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, "Aw hell, mom, I'll just have some Cheerios."
WHACK! The surprised mother reacts quickly. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"
"I don't know,” the 4-year-old blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it's not gonna be Cheerios."


Just a small taster from...

[D-Lotus]

I had heard the last one before, but the quote by George Best really cracked me up.

Keep 'em up, Cren. Anyone else, feel welcome to contribute any of your own jokes.

Here's another one:

A man looks in his wardrobe searching for his coat. He discovers a box he has never noticed before. The box contains three eggs and 100 one dollar bills. He asks his wife about it.

"Honey, what is this box?"

"I've hid it there during the twenty years of our marriage. I didn't want to embarass you." she said

"Why would three eggs embarass me?" he asks, perplexed.

"Everytime we made love, and it was... inadequate, I put an egg inside the box." she replies.

"Well, three eggs in 20 years isn't so bad! What about the 100 one dollar bills?" asks the husband.

"Everytime I had a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for a dollar..."

[bookwizard]

I put yes, only once though, all over are "important" guests :-o, but that was a very long time ago. :lol:

[The Meaning Of Fear]

I saw someone spurt water thrrough their nose, which I'll describe in detail below, but never milk...

Details:

Class has just been walking around in steep paths. Class is tired.

Teacher: Let's take a break!

Student 1: Water is life! (Starts chugging down water from a bottle)

Student 2: (Says something weird/funny)

Student 1 blows water out through his nose and onto student 2.

That was actually a true event. I saw it with me own eyes.

Here's a joke:

A man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there he sees billions of clocks everywhere around. Confused, he asks god about the clocks.

"Well, my child" says god, "these clocks measurwe the lives of people! And whenever you lie it goes foward one second."

The dead man thinks for a second and asks about George Bush's clock.

God replies "It's down in hell. Satan is using it for a fan"

[Masterweaver]

A chicken, a turkey, and a leprechaun are all playing poker. The leprechaun glances around and says, "I'm in the wrong joke!"

A pixie, an elf, and a parrot are walking through the woods. The elf asks the parrot, "What are you doing here?" The parrot cocks his head and begins, "Well, you know how parrots have four tows on each foot, and like two feet or so?" The pixie, who has now become interested in this strange bird, replies, "I am well aware of that. I don't understand the point." The parrot jabs a wing at the previous joke and says, "The punchline was going to be peices of eight."

A red guy with horns walks into a cafe and kills everybody but Insert Name Here. He then glances at a paper and comments, "Whoops, got the orders reversed."

The readers start pelting the comedian with criticism, and he is upset.

[The White Blacksmith]

Masterweaver wrote: The readers start pelting the comedian with criticism, and he is upset.

Are we allowed to do that? Your other jokes were rubbish.

[The Meaning Of Fear]

The White Blacksmith wrote: Masterweaver wrote: The readers start pelting the comedian with criticism, and he is upset.

Are we allowed to do that? Your other jokes were rubbish.

Agreed.

That was my joke, by the way. ;)

[D-Lotus]

Lamentable, MW; nonetheless, let's not be judgmental... at least his were original, unlike my next joke, which many people have heard before. Even so, here it is for those of you who haven't.

Two friends are arguing about baseball; one of them wonders whether there is baseball in heaven. After much discussion, they agree that if one of them should reach heaven first, he should come down from the stars and communicate to the other the news that baseball indeed exists in heaven.

Years pass, and finally one of the two friends dies. A few days go by when suddenly the deceased friend appears to the other.

"You're here!" exclaimed the man still alive. "So tell me, was I right? Is there baseball in heaven?"

"I have good news and bad news for you," says the apparition, "The good news is that there is baseball in heaven. The bad news is that you are scheduled to bat next week."

[sparta12]

A Joke Is A Very Serious Thing! - Winston Churchill

[The Meaning Of Fear]

D-Lotus wrote: Lamentable, MW; nonetheless, let's not be judgmental... at least his were original, unlike my next joke, which many people have heard before. Even so, here it is for those of you who haven't.

Two friends are arguing about baseball; one of them wonders whether there is baseball in heaven. After much discussion, they agree that if one of them should reach heaven first, he should come down from the stars and communicate to the other the news that baseball indeed exists in heaven.

Years pass, and finally one of the two friends dies. A few days go by when suddenly the deceased friend appears to the other.

"You're here!" exclaimed the man still alive. "So tell me, was I right? Is there baseball in heaven?"

"I have good news and bad news for you," says the apparition, "The good news is that there is baseball in heaven. The bad news is that you are scheduled to bat next week."

*Tries hard not to have a heart attack from laughing*

[sparta12]

Here's a racy one:
What did Abraham Lincoln say after a three-day drinking binge?
"I freed WHO!?!"