City of IF

Chinaren · Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 11:01 pm Post subject:

I like it! Well written and entertaining! :D

I say go to a priest, but not a regular one, but one from some weird cult. Hehe!

Cyberworm · Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 5:13 am Post subject:

F5 China, well written and very enjoyable! Has a nice, comical touch to it. I didn't even notice any bigger grammar errors.

I say he helps him, being the good Samaritan I am. And, I think that there should be a freaky goth-style girl that was in their class but they never talked to her, and she just might help them. :D

scissorkitty · Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 3:22 pm Post subject:

I F5 C-ren as well..

i love the idea of a wacko-priest. Perhaps one who is also, say, someone who helps people out of parking tickets on the side? Like.. either being a priest of an obscure religion, or being the parking ticket dude is a side job.

Can't wait to read more!

(and.. i notice you have a love of the undead or something?)

marbledog · Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 7:42 pm Post subject:

Thanks for the feedback, guys. I have a real problem with losing faith in a story once is loses momentum. The comments are encouraging.

scissorkitty wrote:

(and.. i notice you have a love of the undead or something?)

For the record, I loath the undead. I just think it's important to understand your enemy. *wink*

Phantomfan · Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 6:59 am Post subject:

Nice, Marbledog! This is really, really good so far. Humor is great, as is plot so far.

I have to agree with everyone so far- I would suggest getting some help. And like Cy said, it should be from a girl in their class- an emo, slightly crazy girl that belongs to some sort of cult (or has made one up herself) that possibly helps them.

Can't wait to read more!

scissorkitty · Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 10:44 am Post subject:

Okay, since polls generally need more than two options, allow me to offer up a third..

what if, instead of seeking outside help, they decide to research things themselves? Leading to an excursion to a very popular Big Box Book Seller, and a disguised perusal of the magic/enchantments/self help section?

marbledog · Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 4:56 pm Post subject:

Ch.1 poll is up! It should be interesting, no matter how you guys decide to proceed. Thanks for your votes and your input!

Chinaren · Posted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 4:15 am Post subject:

'ted, and winning.

Cyberworm · Posted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 5:20 am Post subject:

Tied it. :lol:

Black Hawk · Posted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 9:05 am Post subject:

Great zombie story voted for goth girl and untied it

shy_blu_eyes · Joined: 15 May 2008 Posts: 299 Location: Away

As an added note, since Dave is a minor celebrity who is known to be dead, he really can't leave the apartment. Imagine what it's like to have an annoying roommate who never leaves the apartment, doesn't pay any rent or bills, and is always borrowing your cloths.

Now imagine that he's also decomposing.

From Jason's point of view, imagine you were trapped in the apartment all day, every day. On top of that, since you don't sleep, all day is a really long time. Plus, you can't call or invite over any of your friends. Eventually, you're going to have to find creative ways to fill the time...

Regardless of where the plot goes, I'm really looking forward to seeing how the characters deal with the "every day" problems in the life of a zombie and his roommate.

Some difficulties you could intoduce...

Someone visits Dave unexpectedly.
Jason eats Dave's food.
Jason and Dave fall for the same girl.
Jason gets bored and makes some calls (old friends or just random prank calls).
The neighbors start to complain about the smell, loud music, ect.

You get the idea.

Great start, and as you can see I'm already excited about where things will go from here!

marbledog · Posted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 6:14 pm Post subject:

The votes are in, and freaky goth girl wins in a landslide. Thanks to everyone for voting. You can expect an update soon.

Lebrenth · Joined: 29 Dec 2005 Posts: 1483 Location: Utah

Intriguing. Your style is witty and brisk. The similes are fun but I can't say they make the imagery clearer. I spent a fair amount of time trying to figure out what "grinding the transmission on a bowl of gumbo" would sound like and feel more confident in my ability to imagine grinding cartilage in a broken neck. But it's funny so never mind. Could you tell me what parapatetic means? The closest I could look up was peripatetic which means itinerant.

I'm too late for the poll but I just wanted to mention that the story caught my eye.

marbledog · Posted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 9:36 pm Post subject:

Lebrenth wrote: Could you tell me what parapatetic means? The closest I could look up was peripatetic which means itinerant.

Actually, that's a typo. It should be "paraparetic". Paraparesis is partial paralysis of the lower limbs. Thanks for catching that.

Guest · Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 7:36 am Post subject:

I just wanted to post to tell you how much I enjoyed the story. The plot is totally new, your style is totally awesome, and it's a totally well-written piece that really captures the reader.

You have a great skill of timing, pace, and scope--all of which it seems will be essential to this storgame. You said you have trouble keeping up storygames so here's your extra momentum:

This storygame kicks some serious butt. I will be reading more when I can :-).

Good work!

shy_blu_eyes · Joined: 15 May 2008 Posts: 299 Location: Away

Dave thinks they should try to hide his condition, but Jason thinks they should hide Dave until he gets a chance to explain things to Victoria.

Victoria is of course fascinated by Dave, but in a strictly professional way. It gives him just enough encouragement to do/say something embaressing.

To farther complicate things, at some point Victoria should reveal that she was interested in Jason while they were working on their project together, but for some reason (shyness, a boyfriend, ect.) she never spoke up.

As for the fate of the chicken, I don't know what should happen. I'm not inclined to believe that Dave will try that hard to find one until he knows what it's for.

Those are my thoughts, anyone else?

Black Hawk · Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 5:42 am Post subject:

hide Dave because surely Victoria knows that Dave was killed until they find a way to help Dave come back to life it won't do any good to have him confes his love even if Victoria might have loved him and as for the chicken say your going out to do something then get it

P.S. Is Dave a vegetarian?

Cyberworm · Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 7:27 am Post subject:

I think Jason should let Voctoria in, then lock the door secretly. After that he takes her to see Dave. BAM! When she sees him she'll either run (prevented by locked door) or instantly get to work. A bit of a shellshock might even rush her to finish the work.

As for the chicken, she probably didn't have dinner and she doesn't like the chickens you can buy in a store. A girl can't work on an empty stomach! :D

Good one, Marbles! Hope to see the next installment soon!

Dean · Joined: 24 Apr 2008 Posts: 77 Location: Seoul

OK, this is some funny stuff. Definitely gonna follow this one! :)

A side suggestion: It might be interesting to have the setting of the entire story be Jason's apartment, with other settings only referenced in dialogs and flashbacks.

On to the DP suggestions:

1. I agree with shy_blue_eyes that Victoria should be fascinated by Dave's condition, but purely in a professional manner. Dave should eventually profess his love for her again sometime down the road as well. And the Victoria *heart* Jason dynamic is perfect too. Nothing like a security guard/goth girl/zombie love triangle to spice up a story! :P

2. Dave's condition should not be disguised "per say". I think Victoria should come over to Jason's house, with Dave hiding in another room. Jason tries to explain the situation in a roundabout way, and Dave accidentally reveals himself somehow.

3. The chicken. I think Victoria originally intended to sacrifice the chicken as an offering to "summon the spirit of the deceased". However, since dead Dave is already present, the chicken can just be offered to him alive to what he wants with it. Dave will undoubtedly want to keep the chicken as a pet -- in Jason's apartment!

shy_blu_eyes · Joined: 15 May 2008 Posts: 299 Location: Away

F5 Dean about hiding Dave and the chicken!

FatHairyApe · Joined: 15 Jul 2008 Posts: 49

Love it! Funny and brilliant.

marbledog · Posted: Sun Aug 03, 2008 6:18 pm Post subject:

New poll is up, thanks to some great suggestions. Keep up the good work, guys.

Dean · Joined: 24 Apr 2008 Posts: 77 Location: Seoul

Hummmm, the poll options were a little bit strange. I voted for "clue Victoria in/spare the chicken". However, I'd also like to see Dave hide and be discovered somehow.

Also, the last poll option made no sense: zombie/CHICKEN/priestess love triangle? What kind of story are you writing here?! LOL! Anyways, if you wanna do the love triangle, you can, but it wouldn't make sense to vote for it in the contexts of this poll. Right now, we need to vote for what happens next, not for a love triangle that might develop later.

marbledog · Posted: Sun Aug 03, 2008 11:33 pm Post subject:

I was in an oddball mood when I wrote the poll. I just through the last one in for a lark. I certainly don't expect anyone to vote that way.

Of course, I could be setting myself up for failure. I have no idea what I'd do if people DID go for it.

sparta12 · Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 1:14 am Post subject:

Nice job marbledog. I just started reading your story today and I'm thorougly enjoying it. Your sense of wit is spot on! ;)

marbledog · Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 6:03 pm Post subject:

Hrm... Shall I assume that the single vote for a necro-bestial threeway is the work of Chinaren?

Perhaps we should step it up to sado-necro-bestiality... or would that just be beating a dead horse?

sparta12 · Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 6:19 pm Post subject:

Probably.
I dont really want to imagine it... Because when I did, I was trying to comprehend as to what the hell it would be and then things got an elaborate... Only it was freakin' disturbing!

Chinaren · Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 1:38 am Post subject:

marbledog wrote: Hrm... Shall I assume that the single vote for a necro-bestial threeway is the work of Chinaren?

:whist:

deaddog wrote: Perhaps we should step it up to sado-necro-bestiality... or would that just be beating a dead horse?

~groans~

I think gay-underage-sado-necro-scat-beastiality is the way to go. Can't have it too perverted in my book*.

*Which isn't a publication you should show the kids.

scissorkitty · Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 1:43 am Post subject:

I vote for some sort of zombie-chicken transference. The live chicken takes on Dave's more zombie-like qualities, and Dave gets more life-like qualities... so long as the now zombie-chicken is kept safe. Like a voodoo doll, only live.

so this would make Dave more alive--.. but with a weird pet.

Chinaren · Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2008 1:46 am Post subject:

Gotta love that voting trend... :D

Dean · Joined: 24 Apr 2008 Posts: 77 Location: Seoul

Marbledog, methinks you're gonna have to do a mish-mash of polling results to get the next course of action. Good luck with this one, the next chapter is bound to be interesting.... :P

shy_blu_eyes · Joined: 15 May 2008 Posts: 299 Location: Away

I suppose Clue Vic. in/ spare the chicken and Priestess-Chicken-Zombie love triangle are compatable if no one breaks the tie...

*shudders*

No matter what the results are, it looks like M-Dog's going to have to "Wing it."

*HINT HINT HINT*

marbledog · Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 10:17 pm Post subject:

Poll results are in, and thank you to whomever it was that saved my bacon. "Clue Victoria in/ spare the chicken" came in first by a hair. Update should be up in two to three days.

Teaser: Ever hear of a guy named Ukobach? You will soon.

Cyberworm · Posted: Sun Aug 17, 2008 2:57 pm Post subject:

Good job M-dog, you made me laugh so hard my stomach hurts now! :D

Really!

I didn't find any grammar mistakes, love the vocab and the ending scene is a killer! XD

As for Vic and her DP...

She should first act amazed by the fact there is a living corpse in existence (using a professional vocab on purpose ;)) and should be extremely professional. This is, after all, the most occult-ish and weirdest thing that has happened in her life (I guess :P)

Keep up the good work!

:gun:

Phantomfan · Posted: Sun Aug 17, 2008 8:27 pm Post subject:

*gets up off the floor, still giggling slightly*

My God, Marbledog... you only get better as this progresses. I'm a little worried to continue reading, mainly because I think I'll puncture a lung if I laugh any harder. :D

As far as the dp goes, I think it'd be really interesting if Victoria did try to contact her Orisha, but for some reason had trouble and had to see other specialists. And I think she does view Dave with at least some compassion... Being revolted or solely professional just seems rather cruel.

Anyways, despite what I said earlier, I can't wait to read more!

Dean · Joined: 24 Apr 2008 Posts: 77 Location: Seoul

Haha, funny stuff man. Will think on the dp and get back to ya.

LordoftheNight · Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell

There seems to be some problem with my voting, because I can't. But I'd go for 'Zombie-chicken-priestess love triangle' if the poll's still open.

marbledog · Posted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 10:52 pm Post subject:

The poll is closed, LoTN. I should post a new poll this weekend. Please check back!

Dean · Joined: 24 Apr 2008 Posts: 77 Location: Seoul

Cyberworm wrote: As for Vic and her DP...

She should first act amazed by the fact there is a living corpse in existence (using a professional vocab on purpose ;)) and should be extremely professional. This is, after all, the most occult-ish and weirdest thing that has happened in her life (I guess :P)
I agree with Cyberworm on that issue. Then I think she should try to find a more direct solution. She doesn't need Orisha to summon Dave -- he's already there. Outside help would probably be too dangerous. So, she should get her hands dirty, so to speak, and solve this problem herself.

Cyberworm · Posted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 10:39 am Post subject:

Ah yes, I see I forgot to post what shall she do... well... hehe... thanks Dean, I love the "get her hands dirty" idea. :grin:

;)

Keep up the good work Fape!