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shy_blu_eyes



Joined: 15 May 2008
Posts: 299
Location: Away

Posted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 11:35 am    Post subject:  

M-dog, I have never laughed so hard at a story and still taken the plot and the characters seriously! Thank you.

As for the DP, F5 CY and Dean!
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D-Lotus



Joined: 21 Oct 2004
Posts: 4123
Location: Hollywood, USA

Posted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 5:15 pm    Post subject:  

Good story, though the decision point struck me as somewhat ill-positioned. You could have written a bit more to offer better options. I'll wait for the next chapter.
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Chinaren



Joined: 05 Sep 2005
Posts: 8881
Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com

Posted: Sun Aug 24, 2008 2:47 am    Post subject:  

:-) Awesome! :clap:

The only small, tiny, critisism, and it's barely that, is that I'd have stopped the chapter at:

“BUCKAWK!”


Anyway, DP. She goes ahead of course, though minus the blood 'cos they won't let her kill the rooster, using tomato sauce instead. And of course, that doesn't please the spirits very much. ;)

I feel a great chapter award coming on...
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scissorkitty



Joined: 04 Mar 2008
Posts: 789
Location: Escaping the Hair Lair

Posted: Sun Aug 24, 2008 2:25 pm    Post subject:  

this is awesome!!! i'm truly loving this sg! I'm sad that I missed the poll.
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marbledog



Joined: 28 Jun 2008
Posts: 26
Location: Virtually everywhere

Posted: Sun Aug 24, 2008 9:18 pm    Post subject:  

Chinaren wrote: The only small, tiny, critisism, and it's barely that, is that I'd have stopped the chapter at:

“BUCKAWK!”

I agree entirely, and I had every intention of ending the chapter right there. Unfortunately, the next line hit me. I thought it was decent, and I didn't want to forget it. Such is the price I pay for being too lazy to write things down.

Anywhos, thanks sincerely to everyone for all the great feedback and support. I started this piece over a year ago as a pretty dry exercise in logical rhetoric. With your help, I think it's really turning into something. I'm falling slightly in love with this story, and I can only hope that you're having as much fun reading it as I am writing it.

Poll is going up NOW! Do your damnedest!

(BTW, Zombie Nation should be updated in the next day or two, for those who are interested.)
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Dean



Joined: 24 Apr 2008
Posts: 77
Location: Seoul

Posted: Mon Aug 25, 2008 9:00 am    Post subject:  

I voted for a combination of all options, because I like making you squirm. :P
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Hak



Joined: 10 Sep 2006
Posts: 264
Location: Hell's Basement

Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 1:11 am    Post subject:  

lol, interesting story here.... I hope to see more.
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marbledog



Joined: 28 Jun 2008
Posts: 26
Location: Virtually everywhere

Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 2:38 pm    Post subject: Goddamn Gustav  

Sorry for the lack of updates. The recent hurricane has knocked me off of the grid for the time being. I promise to get this show back on the road as soon as possible. Thanks to everyone for their patience.

marbledog
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NeverNeverGirl



Joined: 18 Jun 2007
Posts: 1216
Location: dreaming away of tomorrows to come

Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 4:18 am    Post subject:  

Just letting you know that i am here and reading. i want to do a proper read through though so i wont make any comments till then.

Keep up the good work - the style has really caught me up.

i think that you should be in HEM though not Skiff... but i am just biased ;)
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The White Blacksmith



Joined: 02 Apr 2006
Posts: 2629

Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 1:30 am    Post subject:  

I've just read this too. It's a very good story, and the humour is top notch! I hope you continue with it, and I can't wait for the next chapter.

I got Bob on you, Ne.
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TruePurple



Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Posts: 256

Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 5:02 am    Post subject:  

First a tiny bit of critique concerning the first bit of this great story

Quote: 'Awkward' doesn't begin to describe the silence that followed. It was paraparetic. It was a Parkinsonian bull in a shop for osteoporitic china. The silence had a major cerebellar infarct. I felt bad about breaking it.

Right, I guess your in the medical field. But for those of us who aren't, it might be helpful to use more common english words when they would do just as well. Like perhaps "it felt/was paralyzing" Instead of "it was paraparetic"

I'd say stroke instead of "infarct" but thats a slightly different meaning (ones cause and ones effect) and it would require major sentence restructuring etc. Well I'm not aiming to rewrite anyways(since its written well like I said) just give you a idea of what I mean.

On a similar note what does
Quote: He had speared a wide receiver in the chest and twisted his neck on the way down

Mean? How exactly did he twist his neck now? (I know little about football) He threw a football hard at someone then triped somehow because of it? Or was dave the "wide receiver"? (in which case this sentence confuses me)

~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`

Some questions you might want to ask yourself for the future of this story.

What kind of help does dave want? Just answers? What exactly is his "problem" that he wishes solved as per the wording of poll option 3? Is he hoping for true death or true life again? At some point Jason will be wanting to talk about long term arrangments for Daves placement. Dave might want this discussion too if listlessness from lack of goals or anything else substansive in his unlife sets in.

Might Dave ever want to reconnect with any other friends or family from his life?

What is daves religion? If its a monotheism like his statement of believing in "god" indicates, might he be a bit uncomfortable practicing "the occult"? (well from a monotheistic PoV anyways) Though you would think he would already have voiced any such issues. But his religion and that impact should play in somewhere. (saying a monotheistic prayer before a occult ceramony? :D )

Are you going to leave dave as the only supernatural element in a rather ordinary story? I think that would be good. The contrast between the general ordinariness of everything else in the story and Daves "condition" adds a fair amount of charm to the story.

Which brings us to the ritual the polls suggest so far. If thats the way it goes.. Perhaps nothing happens out of the ordinary. As per the usual of Victoria's or anyone elses religious ceramonies. A mostly unclear let down except..

Something small happens. Something they can't even agree whether it was supernatural or coincidence or even if it really happened. Moreless the meaning of it if it was supernatural.

Otherwise they could try regular prayer with same results.. but considering she's already arrived under this context..

And some strange thing in daves past that may or may not explain his current condition might be interesting.
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hopesfallyn



Joined: 20 Apr 2008
Posts: 4
Location: Cranbrook, BC

Posted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 1:56 am    Post subject:  

i really like the story so far. im not that comfortable with offering advice/comments here yet, but i think the concept is brilliant, and the characters are more rounded than you would normally see in two chapters.

this is the first really funny story i've read here. good job :)
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Phantomfan



Joined: 01 May 2008
Posts: 309
Location: Deep within the music of the night

Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 9:28 am    Post subject:  

Brilliant.

Simply brilliant.


What to do now... I have absolutely no idea.

I'll get back to you soon though.
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The White Blacksmith



Joined: 02 Apr 2006
Posts: 2629

Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 10:12 am    Post subject:  

Well, there's always the option of 'reveal Dave as a zombie to the public and see how many supporters you can get'.

Although that would probably get as many people against them as for them, so they should start on the internet or something. Make him a Myspace, get a big enough fanbase, work from there. If you can bring this to the attention of enough people, who knows what'll happen?

And in the meantime, Quote: If I were you, I’d find a nice secluded place and stock up on supplies and ammunition. It’s going to get pretty nasty soon.
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scissorkitty



Joined: 04 Mar 2008
Posts: 789
Location: Escaping the Hair Lair

Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 5:58 pm    Post subject:  

Hilarious!!! Great chapter!

What to do next? I think stocking up on ammunition is a good idea.. although what KIND of ammunition? I think a trip to a mystic store is in order.. and perhaps a run in with some "Wytches".. who may know more about actual witches..

As for Dave and his ultimate fate? That's a toughie for the moment.
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TruePurple



Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Posts: 256

Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 12:02 pm    Post subject:  

While the good humor is present in this latest 'chapter' like the rest, I hate the direction. Exactly where I was hoping it wouldn't go. Big event melodrama, heavy use of stereotypes (aside from the humor), partial breaking of the real/surreal veil that added so much charm to the story. I suppose this was the backstory you had planned from the beginning though right?

Its also strongly resembles "Wrath" by Chinaren in a few ways. Kinda turned off on this story now. But I'll still check in ever so often and see what it does and maybe provide input.

As far as daves fate, the only reason you wouldn't want to live forever is if the life you were living sucks. If he can find or already has something &/or company that gives his live meaning and/or occupy his mind in any satisfying way.. why would he want to die for real?
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Chinaren



Joined: 05 Sep 2005
Posts: 8881
Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com

Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 3:15 pm    Post subject:  

Quote: Its also strongly resembles "Wrath" by Chinaren in a few ways. Kinda turned off on this story now.

Wrath is Bad Thing? :cry2:
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TruePurple



Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Posts: 256

Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 7:36 pm    Post subject:  

Well it might not be my cup of tea, but more importantly it seemed all wrong for the more original content before that last chapter. Its not personal Chinaren :)
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marbledog



Joined: 28 Jun 2008
Posts: 26
Location: Virtually everywhere

Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 6:12 pm    Post subject:  

Poll is up! Due to your own clever selves, I think we have some pretty interesting options this time around. Your decision here will significantly affect the story arc, so... as always... do your damnedest!

Thanks to everyone who voted for "Conversations" for SGotM!
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marbledog



Joined: 28 Jun 2008
Posts: 26
Location: Virtually everywhere

Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 6:16 pm    Post subject:  

Chinaren wrote: Quote: Its also strongly resembles "Wrath" by Chinaren in a few ways. Kinda turned off on this story now.

Wrath is Bad Thing? :cry2:

For the record, being likened to Chinaren's work is never a bad thing.
(Yes, this is blatant flattery. Take it where you can get it. ;) )
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Chinaren



Joined: 05 Sep 2005
Posts: 8881
Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com

Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 8:03 pm    Post subject:  

marbledog wrote:
(Yes, this is blatant flattery. Take it where you can get it. ;) )

Oh I will. ~Wallows in flattery~ ;)

...and voted, just so it's not totally :off:
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The Meaning Of Fear



Joined: 06 May 2006
Posts: 980
Location: In a deep, dark corner of the universe, plotting.

Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 10:09 pm    Post subject:  

Ooops. Tied it for ya there.

This is in all a very good SG. Love the humor, love the plot (Though the more depressing side of me sees this story heading to a less humorous situation) and above else, love the chicken.

A couple of minor mistakes in there, that would've slipped through word check. Nothing serious.

what you've done here is quite amazing. You've done more at IF in 25 posts than some people (i.e. me) have done in maybe ten, heck hundred times that much.
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TruePurple



Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Posts: 256

Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 11:54 am    Post subject:  

I voted to be proactive. I wouldn't want to sit around waiting for some witches to try to end the world and take the word of a deamon that "something is being done about it".

But with the addendum that I would gather more information about whats going on before acting. A viral undead dave story is not likely to be believed and may draw unwanted attention to dave. To find out who these witches are, what they are doing and whether the deamon was being truethful about them.. Gather such proofs then try to use that to gather support.
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The Meaning Of Fear



Joined: 06 May 2006
Posts: 980
Location: In a deep, dark corner of the universe, plotting.

Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 8:35 pm    Post subject:  

Uck! Too late to change my vote. What purp said has made me change my mind... but oh well.

Since the new chapter won't be anytime soon, let's liven this SG up a bit by triple tying the poll. :lol:
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The White Blacksmith



Joined: 02 Apr 2006
Posts: 2629

Posted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 11:59 am    Post subject:  

Well, just to annoy you, I've managed to tie it three ways. Good luck.
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marbledog



Joined: 28 Jun 2008
Posts: 26
Location: Virtually everywhere

Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 11:55 am    Post subject:  

Poll is closed, and "esoteric defense" eked it out. Update soon!
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Crunchyfrog



Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Posts: 3998

Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 11:05 pm    Post subject:  

Just caught up but missed the vote. Hilarious!!!

Here and waiting for the next chapter... :D
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scissorkitty



Joined: 04 Mar 2008
Posts: 789
Location: Escaping the Hair Lair

Posted: Wed Oct 15, 2008 5:23 pm    Post subject:  

Crap! I missed the poll. Ah well, I look forward to being surprised! This is a hilarious SG..

(..and I miss Wrath, C-ren! Hop to, good.. er... orange creature! o-) )
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Guest






Posted: Sun Oct 19, 2008 2:41 am    Post subject:  

Where is the story?

Edit: nevermind I found it. Will reply soon
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The White Blacksmith



Joined: 02 Apr 2006
Posts: 2629

Posted: Wed Oct 22, 2008 11:32 am    Post subject:  

I'm not entirely sure you should have all the comments in a separate thread. It means people can't refer to the story as much as they would like, and comments for different chapters tend to merge a bit.
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ethereal_fauna



Joined: 16 Feb 2005
Posts: 2567
Location: USA

Posted: Sun Dec 14, 2008 10:36 am    Post subject:  

Caught up on this storygame, and I do hope that it continues. :)
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The White Blacksmith



Joined: 02 Apr 2006
Posts: 2629

Posted: Sun Dec 14, 2008 10:47 am    Post subject:  

*pokes* Hehe. It's a Fauna.

I don;t know whether this is continueing or not. Dog doesn't seem to have posted anything in a while.
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Alegria



Joined: 04 Mar 2005
Posts: 1199
Location: On the beaches with Dr. Suess' Sneeches. Only the star-bellied ones, of course.

Posted: Sun Dec 14, 2008 10:48 am    Post subject:  

Fauna's back!!!!!!!

Haven't seen you in a while!
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TruePurple



Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Posts: 256

Posted: Mon Jan 26, 2009 11:10 pm    Post subject:  

*nudges marbledog* You might want to wake up and do a update. Who knows how long you can keep your own forum for this with no updates, but I wouldn't push it either. Maybe hes just too busy with school or something.
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Chinaren



Joined: 05 Sep 2005
Posts: 8881
Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com

Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 2:16 am    Post subject:  

He told me some time ago that RL had overwhelmed him, and he wouldn't be back for some time. :(

It may be worth getting the Mayor to put this in statis and send him a PM to that effect.
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TruePurple



Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Posts: 256

Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 2:32 am    Post subject:  

Well, our mayor NNG, also seems to be in stasis, she seems to be suffering the same disease. So I don't know how that will work.

*cries out to the heavens that someday they find a cure for that dreaded disease known affectionately as RL*
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Reiso



Joined: 27 Oct 2004
Posts: 917
Location: Western North America

Posted: Thu Mar 05, 2009 12:02 pm    Post subject:  

Aw, man, I really like this, too bad it's on hiatus. That's the second time this week I found something I really like only to find it falling behind. Eh, I suppose that is what I get for being gone for so long.

But yeah, like everyone else is saying, natural writing style, great sense of timing, real punchy dialogue... all good. I hope to see more of this soon!

As for what they should do, I hate to say it, but I agree with the demon. They should throw a lot of deodorant at Dave, find somewhere well fortified and stock up on ammo. Of course, on his budget, that probably isn't gonna be just that easy, so... I don't know. He mentioned the year 1350-ish, maybe they should look up their history and see if there is anything useful in the European records.
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