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Reiso



Joined: 27 Oct 2004
Posts: 917
Location: Western North America

Posted: Fri May 01, 2009 2:21 pm    Post subject: Chapters 3-5 Poll Archive  

As of the opening of the poll for Chapter 3, the chapters will be locked, and all chapter discussion is to be moved here--just a heads up.

Say... anyone know how to move posts from one existing topic to another, other than the long hard route of quoting them one at a time? It seems to me that there should be a better way...
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Reiso



Joined: 27 Oct 2004
Posts: 917
Location: Western North America

Posted: Wed May 06, 2009 8:23 pm    Post subject:  

Vote, vote, vote!

:D

Edit: Sorry for the technical difficulties; the poll seems to be working right now.
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Crunchyfrog



Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Posts: 3998

Posted: Thu May 07, 2009 2:52 pm    Post subject:  

They're all good. Good options. Grahhh!
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Reiso



Joined: 27 Oct 2004
Posts: 917
Location: Western North America

Posted: Tue May 12, 2009 9:58 pm    Post subject:  

The players have spoken and their wishes are clear:

In response to the question of how Jerry deals with Kent's meeting...

Go after a specimen sample 83% [ 5 ]
Forget it, let Kent do the deal without it 0% [ 0 ]
Screw Kent; bust out and secretly get legal counsel 16% [ 1 ]
Report the whole thing to D.O. and try to get a deal 0% [ 0 ]

Total Votes : 6

Who Voted: Crunchyfrog, DeadManWalking, Emperor, Reiso, Scheherazade, Smee
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Reiso



Joined: 27 Oct 2004
Posts: 917
Location: Western North America

Posted: Tue May 12, 2009 10:26 pm    Post subject:  

And poll 2 is up--votes, votes, get your votes in heeeerr-rah!
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Reiso



Joined: 27 Oct 2004
Posts: 917
Location: Western North America

Posted: Thu May 21, 2009 11:21 pm    Post subject:  

Ok guys, poll closed. Results below. Next Chapter one week from Friday.

How does Kent buy Jerry time?


Try to negotiate for an even larger sum 0% [ 0 ]
Demand further incentives to take their deal over other possible deals 0% [ 0 ]
Demand to speak directly to the man making the offer 75% [ 3 ]
Get all the terms already offered in writing 25% [ 1 ]
Just ask for more time to think about it 0% [ 0 ]

Total Votes : 4

Who Voted: Crunchyfrog, DeadManWalking, Reiso, Smee
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Crunchyfrog



Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Posts: 3998

Posted: Fri May 29, 2009 10:34 pm    Post subject:  

Hurry up! :D
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Smee



Joined: 16 Oct 2004
Posts: 5215
Location: UK

Posted: Fri Oct 23, 2009 2:53 pm    Post subject:  

Woo - great chapter. Loved it.

We got insights into all the characters, and that was nicely managed. Despite all the jumps it still flowed, and seemed natural. You also got distinct personalities for each jump that were great.

It's a little late for ideas at the moment, I'll be back with those. :D

Some quick little typos I spotted :

Quote: but mostly because he felt a cold chill of a sudden.

A missing 'all' of a sudden, I think.

Quote: but now she didnít know anything except there men with guns and if one of them caught her, they might shoot her.

There 'were' men?

Quote: He took of his own helmet then, and put both it had his rifle down on the table.

'Off' his helmet, and rather than 'had his rifle', think it should be 'and his rifle.

Happy Writing :)
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Crunchyfrog



Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Posts: 3998

Posted: Fri Oct 23, 2009 3:08 pm    Post subject:  

Mmmm. Very immersive - It's late right now and I'll dream up an option overnight!

Great read, Reiso! :)
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Reiso



Joined: 27 Oct 2004
Posts: 917
Location: Western North America

Posted: Sat Oct 24, 2009 12:59 am    Post subject:  

Smee wrote: Woo - great chapter. Loved it.

We got insights into all the characters, and that was nicely managed. Despite all the jumps it still flowed, and seemed natural. You also got distinct personalities for each jump that were great.

It's a little late for ideas at the moment, I'll be back with those. :D

Some quick little typos I spotted :

Quote: but mostly because he felt a cold chill of a sudden.

A missing 'all' of a sudden, I think.

Quote: but now she didnít know anything except there men with guns and if one of them caught her, they might shoot her.

There 'were' men?

Quote: He took of his own helmet then, and put both it had his rifle down on the table.

'Off' his helmet, and rather than 'had his rifle', think it should be 'and his rifle.

Happy Writing :)

Thanks for catching those Smee, all fixed. The first one actually wasn't an error, it was a style choice, but at second blush it does read a little awkward, so I changed the wording.

Thanks both to you and to Crunchy for staying up so late to get a first look, it is good for my ego to have a couple of die hard fans. I can't wait to see what DPs you guys think of after viewing it with fresh minds and eyes.

:)
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Emperor



Joined: 02 Nov 2004
Posts: 467
Location: San Diego, CA

Posted: Sat Oct 24, 2009 9:56 am    Post subject:  

Just finished reading the latest chapter and though I will have to think about the DP's I just wanted you to know that it was a very strong chapter. Your writing is getting better and better each time I read something by you. Great job.
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Smee



Joined: 16 Oct 2004
Posts: 5215
Location: UK

Posted: Mon Oct 26, 2009 7:15 am    Post subject:  

Ok ... my first thought is that Jerry needs to stop holding that rock sample. Who knows what it might be doing to him. Some kind of bag, wrapping it in clothing, whatever. Just get something between his skin and it.

The stranger knocked out one of the attackers, so that's a good point in favour of trusting him.

Of course we know that the attackers come from Mr Patterns, so we have reasonable justification to see them as the bad guys, and therefore (enemy of my enemy is a friend), I'd trust the stranger. But Jerry doesn't know that. Even though Gorschtís name was mentioned, I don't think Kent mentioned it.

So second action from Jerry would be asking 'who is Gorscht?'.

If he gets an answer like 'some billionnaire businessman who really wants the rock' Jerry might be able to put 2+2 together and get 700 million and come to the same conclusion I have.

There really is no reason to trust a random DO officer, especially after the treatment of the last few days.

So my suggestion would be a quick questioning, and unless something seems really wrong, then trust him for now and get out of there.

~

As for the secondary DP for Kent, I'm a bit stuck on this one.

As far as I'm concerned he's been dismissed completely. Gorscht is confident he's going to get his rock via this assault he's made on the DO compound and no longer needs Kent.

I'm not convinced Kent can do anything save for becoming another part of the collateral damage in this operation. Kent seems like someone with some good insticnts, and I think they'll be tingling now. The boss's sudden change of heart after offering so much money will plague on Kent's mind. In a sudden rush of concern his chief priority will be getting to his rock and ensuring it is still safe.

Happy Writing :)
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Crunchyfrog



Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Posts: 3998

Posted: Mon Oct 26, 2009 1:27 pm    Post subject:  

Gorscht rescinded his offer after he took the call, and said that he was dealing with a known element now. That rings bells with me, and it must have rung bells with Kent when the guy suddenly changed his mind after that call.

Now, he could have changed his mind because he's found another way to get a hold of the rock, or now he knows what it is, he thinks it is something not worth the money any more. How about this - he knows what it is now, and it is so dangerous he doesn't want to have anything more to do with it?

Or, as Kent might consider, this could be some great big bluff, Gorscht's little way of making Kent come back to his terms.

In this case, Kent should call his bluff and just leave, although I don't know what Gorscht will have his thugs do to him once he's out of the office. Still, Kent knows his crew is loyal, and he has a lot of faith in Jerry's technical prowess.

I say Kent will gamble, walk away from the deal, and hope that Jerry succeeds.



Now, back down at the D.O. detention centre, we're seeing the other side of the story. Jerry, the maniac, is holding a piece of the rock with his bare hands. Why is it not affecting him as strongly as it affected Kent? Kent had a suit and helmet on, and ended up spending 8 days in hospital. He didn't spend any longer in contact with the rock - and I'm not even sure he had skin contact.

Something is different there, something I want to know more about.

Now, as the omiscient reader, I have my reservations about the intentions of Keaton and his men. They know about Kent, Jerry and Sarah picking up this rock from Sector 17, and they know about the rock's properties. Keaton is incredulous when he learns that Jerry cut some of it off.

But beggars can't be choosers, and Jerry and Sarah need to get out of there, with the rock sample, and get Jerry some medical help.

So for Sarah and Jerry, my suggestion is - go with the flow, for now.
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Emperor



Joined: 02 Nov 2004
Posts: 467
Location: San Diego, CA

Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 4:25 pm    Post subject:  

So here are my thoughts.

So far as we the readers can tell Kent has no idea that Gorscht is just buying time with the meeting. I agree with Smee in the fact that Kent's instincts should be setting off alarm bells by now and that something is up. There are two options here that I think he would most likely do. The first one being is getting out of dodge, checking on his crew to see if his original plan of getting a sample even worked. The second one is a little more dangerous and involves some guile and wit. Kent could try one last bluff, he could tell Gorscht that one their way back up to the surface to get Kent to safety Jerry got some readings that their might be a second "specimen" near where they found the first one. He wouldn't have to try to hard at the lie either since if pressed for information he could claim that he never had enough time to get the specifics from Jerry, and I'm fairly certain that Jerry has the capabilities to fake data and readings to make it seem like there was more than one specimen. If he chose to go with this bluff this would accomplish a couple of things. One, he could say that he is pretty sure that Jerry needs a sample so that they could track down the other nonexistent one. Second, it would get them back into the ship, in the deep of the ocean and away from all of the other forces. Which may give them enough time to come up with a better plan b and further look at the sample they have.

As for Jerry and Sarah, I pretty much agree with most of what Crunchy said with the fact that they are in desperate straights and should take the help where they can get it. It buys them some time and with a little luck gets Jerry into a position to get some medical help. Besides, Jerry being the tech Houdini that he is the might be able to hack into whatever communication/data type stuff to get a clearer picture of what in all of Hades is going on. In the meantime Sarah can try to provide enough distractions so that Jerry can do his thing and also try to get in touch with Kent to update him on their situation. Of course from what I can read into Sarah's personality, maybe once they have gotten to some sort of relative safety she would take the chance of getting the sample away from Jerry and then hiding it somewhere. In my mind she might jump to this conclusion if the stress keeps amping up on them, she already has seen how much trouble and harm this things has done. Why not hide it until everyone comes a little back to their senses.

Looking forward to see what is next.

Emperor
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Thunderbird



Joined: 13 Sep 2009
Posts: 2139
Location: Rising from the ashes

Posted: Sun Nov 15, 2009 12:52 am    Post subject:  

An excellent array of thoughts have been shared above, none of which I can add much to as some echoed my own and others gave me more to consider. I'll hold out for the poll.

Do NOT let this sg die Reiso!
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Reiso



Joined: 27 Oct 2004
Posts: 917
Location: Western North America

Posted: Tue Nov 17, 2009 11:43 am    Post subject:  

OK, time to get this back in motion. But first, to address a question I have neglected to answer...

Crunchyfrog wrote: Now, back down at the D.O. detention centre, we're seeing the other side of the story. Jerry, the maniac, is holding a piece of the rock with his bare hands. Why is it not affecting him as strongly as it affected Kent? Kent had a suit and helmet on, and ended up spending 8 days in hospital. He didn't spend any longer in contact with the rock - and I'm not even sure he had skin contact.

Something is different there, something I want to know more about.

The answer to this is a little mixed. We know based on current observations that a sound produced by the larger sample preceded the severe damage done to Kent during his brief exposure to it. We also know that while Jerry has not come away completely unscathed, he has not suffered as much damage, and though his senses were too confounded to sort it out at the time, this is most likely because of the counter-frequency being produced by the system he arranged. As for the small piece he is holding with his bare hands, it is not yet clear whether or not skin contact with the material is detrimental, and it is currently not making any noise (nor may even be able to).

Still. We all seem to agree that getting it out of his bare hands and wrapped in some kind of fabric at the very least is a good idea, so regardless of other DP decisions (barring new ones it could contradict), I will assume that as an unsaid priority.

So, on to the DPs...

I will probably regret this, but for good or for ill, I have added a couple of my own just to have more choices that could spice things up. I'm gonna leave these up for a couple of days for everyone to review and confirm or to add to, then I will Poll. It's not too late for new readers or DP suggestions!



Kent

Get out of there quick, go check on the plan

Try to bluff Gorscht that there is another sample he and his team can retrieve, to buy some distance and time

Demand some kind of compensation for his trouble so far

Make threats to expose Gorscht for offering to buy off legitimate colony operatives and cover up their violations. See what it will take for him to keep quiet.

Jerry and Sarah

Follow Keaton to safety and worry about questions later

Question Keaton first, then follow him if nothing seems fishy

Wait there while Jerry tries to learn more about what is happening through his datacomm, then decide

Try to find some D.O. guys (just 'cause they are the proper authority here and all)

Overpower Keaton. Make him talk.

...those sound about right?
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Reiso



Joined: 27 Oct 2004
Posts: 917
Location: Western North America

Posted: Mon Nov 23, 2009 9:48 pm    Post subject:  

Alrighty, no one seems to have any further suggestions or arguments, so I am going to go ahead and put those polls up as is.


EDIT: Ok, polls are up. Get your votes in, I plan to crank out the next chapter as fast as I can!
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Reiso



Joined: 27 Oct 2004
Posts: 917
Location: Western North America

Posted: Tue Dec 01, 2009 10:51 am    Post subject:  

Okay, it seems everyone who is going to vote has done so.

Results:

What will Kent do?

Get out of there quick, go check on Jerry and Sarah.
16% [ 1 ]

Try to bluff Gorscht that there is another sample he and his team can retrieve. Hey, at least it buys some time.
33% [ 2 ]

Demand some kind of compensation for his trouble so far.
16% [ 1 ]

Make threats to expose Gorscht for offering to buy off legitimate colony operatives and cover up their violations. See what it will take for him to keep quiet.
33% [ 2 ]

Total Votes : 6

Who Voted: Crunchyfrog, Emperor, Guyron, Shady Stoat, Smee, Thunderbird


What will Jerry and Sarah do?

Follow Keaton to safety and worry about questions later.
83% [ 5 ]

Question Keaton first, then follow him if nothing seems fishy.
0% [ 0 ]

Wait there while Jerry tries to learn more about what is happening through his datacomm, then decide.
16% [ 1 ]

Try to find some D.O. guys (just 'cause they are the proper authority here and all).
0% [ 0 ]

Overpower Keaton. Make him talk.
0% [ 0 ]

Total Votes : 6

Who Voted: Crunchyfrog, Emperor, Guyron, Shady Stoat, Smee, Thunderbird



I will begin work shortly on Chapter 5. My goal is to have it up by or before the 10th, so keep your eyes peeled. Thanks for the votes everyone!
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Reiso



Joined: 27 Oct 2004
Posts: 917
Location: Western North America

Posted: Fri Dec 11, 2009 9:07 am    Post subject:  

For those who paid attention and knew I'd wanted to have the next chapter up by the tenth--I didn't. Still ironing out some difficulties the characters are giving me. They don't always cooperate, you know. I should have it up in another week or so, I imagine.
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Emperor



Joined: 02 Nov 2004
Posts: 467
Location: San Diego, CA

Posted: Fri Dec 11, 2009 12:37 pm    Post subject:  

Reiso wrote: For those who paid attention and knew I'd wanted to have the next chapter up by the tenth--I didn't. Still ironing out some difficulties the characters are giving me. They don't always cooperate, you know. I should have it up in another week or so, I imagine.

I find sometimes using the "Steam" function on the iron sometimes help's.
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D-Lotus



Joined: 21 Oct 2004
Posts: 4123
Location: Hollywood, USA

Posted: Fri Jan 01, 2010 8:46 pm    Post subject:  

Hey Reiso, I just read through the first 4 chapters of this story and I am impressed. The first chapter really got me hooked because it challenged the boundaries known by man-- namely the deep sea and all of the unknown elements that exist there. Even better is that we have a freelancer Hans Solo type character making a fascinating discovery.

One little quip: Jerry has a memory of a corpse with cemented feet, and he mentions that this corpse had remained there for years. My knowledge of sea-floor biology leads me to believe that a corpse underwater wouldn't last that long because it would be devoured by scavengers. Does this mean there is no biological activity in this fictional world other than that of humans?

My interest continued because I enjoy stories about mysterious, obsessive, powerful men conducting deals behind closed doors. Then somewhere along the third or fourth chapter the technical explanations began to get a little too complex for me. If there really isn't any other way to explain what is going on, then perhaps the plot has become convoluted. However, the techi-ness is still bearable and not without a certain intellectual appeal.

Also I am aware that a lot of what happens in the story is conditioned by the decisions of the readers, and I'll give you some credit for having to deal with that, but I feel as though sometimes the drive of the story is disrupted, or that the characters seem to act somewhat unrelated to their persona. For example, it seems inconceivable that after you spent all that time describing Kent's intense desire for money, that he would stall on the offer. After all it was more than he could ever desire. Also Jerry went from being the most precautious in the group-- a techie concerned with his own own job-- to being a daring adventurer ready to risk his own life whenever his captain gives the word (even though their previous relationship didn't seem to warrant that sort of behavior). If there is something more to Kent or Jerry, you should have made that apparent in the first chapter so that their transformation is not so abrupt or unexpected later on. Maybe you did and I just didn't catch it; if that is the case perhaps the fault lies with the lack of time needed to develop strong characters before the intense action scene in which they are now embroiled. By the way, I smelled myself a group of rebels when I began reading about Keaton.

Despite these things which nag me, and which perhaps I have spend too much space complaining about, I think your story is very good. In fact, I could envision it as some sort of steam-punk/thriller movie. It would be epic.
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Reiso



Joined: 27 Oct 2004
Posts: 917
Location: Western North America

Posted: Sat Jan 02, 2010 4:22 pm    Post subject:  

Hey D-Lo, glad to see you've taken an interest in my new SG. I'd wondered where you'd gotten to.

You make a lot of good points about character consistency, and I do have a couple of pretty good reasons for that (as well as one bad one); They are new characters that are being felt out and discovered by me as I write them, that is one. Another, perhaps more prevalent reason is that they have been seriously rattled out of their norm by a number of things like being thrown out of their element, not knowing enough about what is going on, and exposure to the strange stone.So their odd behavior is quiet deliberate and natural when tied to these circumstances, to my thinking. But I confess myself the sort of person who enjoys the occasional out of character response, they can be good at building a stronger character as long as they're greater persona remains consistent once they come back down to earth.

So those are my good reasons. My bad one is that in the interest of just moving the story forward, I can fudge things a little. I view Storygaming as an experimental format, and treat it as a rough draft. In my defense though, the decision for Kent to take the deal or not was left to the readers as a DP, so my hands were tied on that one. In any case, perhaps I haven't made their peculiar behavior obviously peculiar. I'll have to work on that.

I make no apologies for how techie it is--the world is what it is and I feel strongly that the reader should always be experiencing the world of the story as much as possible as long as (and here is the crux of it), it does not detract from other elements of the story. I don't think that I am replacing plot with description. I certainly am not intending to. But it's a difficult thing to gauge with a Storygame considering that unlike linear writing, I have no idea where the story is heading or how it will end. This makes the plot more elusive to identify and stick to.

Anyway, I will keep a watchful eye to all of these things. Welcome aboard D, and thanks for the feedback. I am glad that despite those little annoyances you are still enjoying the SG.
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phaze



Joined: 18 Jan 2010
Posts: 1
Location: New Zealand

Posted: Mon Jan 18, 2010 5:22 pm    Post subject:  

Get Kent to fake a relapse (stall)
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Reiso



Joined: 27 Oct 2004
Posts: 917
Location: Western North America

Posted: Tue Jan 19, 2010 12:04 pm    Post subject:  

The poll for the next chapter has already run its course phaze, though that was an interesting suggestion. Chapter 5 will be out soon, so keep an eye out for it and you can make suggestions for the next poll. Welcome to the city and thanks for reading Sector 17!
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Reiso



Joined: 27 Oct 2004
Posts: 917
Location: Western North America

Posted: Sat Jan 30, 2010 9:26 pm    Post subject:  

Just a couple hours away from posting the next chapter...
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Crunchyfrog



Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Posts: 3998

Posted: Sun Jan 31, 2010 1:35 am    Post subject:  

Excellent chapter!

Just a minor, minor niggle I spotted as I was reading: Maybe it was the long break between the two chapters, but until you mentioned that Jerry was still holding the sample I'd almost forgotten about it. The sample was making him feel sick, but there was no real mention of how he felt in the opening paragraphs. Still, just a minor niggle.



What fascinated me in this chapter was the fact that Jerry and Sarah don't navigate at all by the points of the compass, but Keaton does - and he knows a little bit about the rock and its effects. This clearly shows that he's from a completely different environment and organisation, and that caught my interest.

Quote: Did you say west? West as in quarter past magnetic north? Now either Jerry is so out of touch with the points of the compass he's got it wrong or - even more intriguingly, we're in a world where the poles have actually reversed. I was thinking that this might be something to do with the pre-game lever, but... well your post-chapter thoughts are still keeping me guessing. :-o

What also worries me is that if the rock has so much of a bad effect on the sleeping mind, Kent was unconscious for 8 days. How reliable will he be? How do we know he won't say or do something stupid prior to or during the rendezvous? Does Keaton realise that, and can he trust him? Our previous decisions for him have been out of character - dragging himself from the hospital to the D.O. when he was half dead; looking back on it was probably the most ridiculous of the lot! But you've woven it all into credibility in a fine way - and I like it.

The DP option - Taking Keaton's offer seems the most obvious choice, if only to satisfy their curiosity. If Kent was in his right mind he'd probably tell Keaton to get off the sub, and order the others to rendezvous with him elsewhere, so that they could figure out a better way of getting money out of this find.

But he's still waa-waa at the moment, as is Jerry, and he's not really got any say in what happens. They've got his ship. :)

Yeah, let's go with Keaton's suggestion.

Most intriguing, and enjoyable Reiso, and well worth the wait! :tu2:
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Smee



Joined: 16 Oct 2004
Posts: 5215
Location: UK

Posted: Mon Feb 01, 2010 5:43 am    Post subject:  

Definitely a fascinating chapter, as Crunchy said.

I enjoyed the part about the compass directions, but I wasn't reading as much into it as Crunchy did. The level idea for magnetic polls is intriguing! In a world with a sky full of lightning, it makes sense that you can't simply look up and see which direction the sun is. And if the storm activity is global, who knows what electro-magnetic effect that might have on compasses. It was a very nice touch.

I really enjoyed the rock's effect on Jerry. That was very well written and putting aside the more dire consequences it may have, it was amusing to read his antics.

Turning to the decision point, and I'm now a little suspicious of our guest. Incredibly technology, allowing them to pass through walls. Knowledge of the rock and its effects. A secret dock. And this secret dock... he doesn't really seem that concerned about it being discovered otherwise he wouldn't offer it as a possibility. I feel there's some element of coercion going on to get a commitment to this 'favour'.

There seems to be a reason for the direction they took out of the compound. With a device for passing through walls, I would have thought they could have just as easily gone out another side, and run off into the countryside. I suspect Keaton/his employers want this sub for some reason (perhaps residue in the cargo hold), and the fragment Jerry has too.

A submarine doesn't need a dock anyway, does it? Surely they could hang about, just off the coast somewhere/anywhere, below the surface, and then Kent can just swim out to it. It surfaces briefly, he climbs aboard, and away they go. I'm not sure of the necessity of 'docking'. I'm sure Kent knows of a suitable place for this, and he's not going to want to make a decision involving sending his 'ship' into an unknown dock until he's once again in the Captain's chair and can think about it more carefully, as well as question Keaton.

Happy Writing :)
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Emperor



Joined: 02 Nov 2004
Posts: 467
Location: San Diego, CA

Posted: Mon Feb 01, 2010 6:29 pm    Post subject:  

It's kind of funny when you think about how Smee once said something along of lines of, 'Jerry need to stop holding the sample.' See Jerry we told you so. The worrisome point that not only is it affecting him so much it is altering his behavior but now that is starting to bleed off onto Sarah.

Whether we trust this guy or not he has superior technology, he has information and he as a way for us to not only get out of here but to reunite us with some of our missing crew. I say roll the dice and go for the "secret dock".
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Reiso



Joined: 27 Oct 2004
Posts: 917
Location: Western North America

Posted: Wed Feb 03, 2010 10:02 pm    Post subject:  

OK, it's been a few days and now I can stand to look at this again--time to reply to some comments!

Crunchyfrog wrote: If Kent was in his right mind he'd probably tell Keaton to get off the sub, and order the others to rendezvous with him elsewhere, so that they could figure out a better way of getting money out of this find.

But he's still waa-waa at the moment...

LMAO! I have nothing really useful to say about this, it just made me laugh very hard. But you also made a good point about the compass points--good catch there. I wish I could say I was smart enough to have a clever reason for east and west being transposed, but the truth is that I was just tired. I meant to say quarter till, and I will fix it right away. But still, I am glad the bit about Keaton even knowing about it is as interesting as I'd hoped. Sorry if Jerry's state of mind was unclear at the start, I'll go over it and see if I can't fix that as well.

Mayor Smee, I am happy to entertain. I hadn't really considered a swimming option, and I will tell you why: I've glossed over it, so it's nobody's fault that it's been missed, but the sheer distance between where Kent is now and the surface is too great for him to surface. The colony is pressurized at 1 atmosphere. He cannot go out into the water where he is now, or the sudden increase of pressure on his body would be lethal. Nor can he ride closer to the top and swim to the surface from nearby, because the air above the surface is unbreathable. Again, something that really hasn't come up in the story yet, so no one's fault, but because I already knew that, such an option just didn't occur to me. However, this being a future in which their way of life is possible, I will not discount the possibility that ways around these obstacles might exist.

Excellency (by which I mean Emperor), it really hadn't been my intention to have the effects of Jerry's exposure to the rock bleed over into Sarah's behavior... could you please point out the scene you're talking about?

Also, it has been mentioned that the nature of Kent's deal with Gorscht was a little unclear, so for anyone who might be wondering, Kent's proposal was that it would be less expensive for them to pay him less money to keep quiet than it would cost them to dispose of his body, which Gorscht appears to have accepted. Should I rewrite the scene to make this a little more apparent?

Thanks guys for your comments, all are appreciated!
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Emperor



Joined: 02 Nov 2004
Posts: 467
Location: San Diego, CA

Posted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 1:14 am    Post subject:  

Reiso wrote: he compass points--good catch there. I wish I could say I was smart enou

Excellency (by which I mean Emperor), it really hadn't been my intention to have the effects of Jerry's exposure to the rock bleed over into Sarah's behavior... could you please point out the scene you're talking about?

I quite freely admit that I am more likely just reading into something more than what is really there. I have quoted one passage that initiated the thought, though before this I think it was Sarah who said that Jerry had been pushing at her buttons - and that she was reacting strongly to that.

Quote:
How can a rock have an effect on someoneís mind? Lots of different ways, you know that. Heís telling you the truth, cretin. You know the science. Uranium sound familiar? Mercury ring any bells? Sure, neither of them work quite like that, but then how does a rock make a sound? And we know it does that. And just what is up with you anyway? Maybe heís got a point. Though talking to your self is definitely getting boring. So what now, cowboy?
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Reiso



Joined: 27 Oct 2004
Posts: 917
Location: Western North America

Posted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 10:41 am    Post subject:  

That passage was Jerry's inside-the-head voice, not Sarah. Or am I not getting it?
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Emperor



Joined: 02 Nov 2004
Posts: 467
Location: San Diego, CA

Posted: Thu Feb 04, 2010 12:27 pm    Post subject:  

Reiso wrote: That passage was Jerry's inside-the-head voice, not Sarah. Or am I not getting it?

Ooops, that's what I get for reading things when I'm tired and sick. Sorry about that. :?
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Spaceponi



Joined: 25 Dec 2009
Posts: 6

Posted: Sun Feb 07, 2010 12:33 am    Post subject:  

All right, I finally got caught up with all the chapters. I have not posted on any chapter yet so I have to put all comments for them here. I'll try to put what chapter I'm talking about in the beginning of the sentences. Chapter Two - I like that we got to see a little past history of Jerry with the story of the taffy. It also sets the times they live in without blatantly saying it. I also thought it was interesting that Jerry could sense frequencies through his teeth. I have never heard of this concept before. Although now that is chapter three. Sometimes you don't write who is speaking and I have to think about who is talking when there is more than two people. In chapter four I like how we see the inside minds of both Adrian and Kent. They think alike when it comes to assessing one another. I like how you slip in little details about the sign of the times these characters live in. For example, Kent doesn't know what an ice cube is. Now for the current chapter - I laughed so much in chapter five while Kent had his conversation with Gorscht. Why he actually didn't get shot is beyond me! I know my post sounds a little rough and unedited but I'm too lazy to change it. I figured that since I had to comment on all five I could do what I wanted.
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D-Lotus



Joined: 21 Oct 2004
Posts: 4123
Location: Hollywood, USA

Posted: Sun Feb 14, 2010 2:33 pm    Post subject:  

I enjoyed that little scene between Gorsch and Kent. It was definitely unexpected and refreshing.

I'm not sure if Kent would like his ship to be in that secret dock, as he may fear that it may end up in somebody else's hands. Then again, Kent is not the most consistent guy at this point. As a reader, I would find it more interesting if they did go to the secret dock, but as Kent, I think it would make more sense to meet in another colony where he has more control of the situation.
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Reiso



Joined: 27 Oct 2004
Posts: 917
Location: Western North America

Posted: Tue Feb 16, 2010 10:13 pm    Post subject:  

Hmm, it is true D-Lo, the safer course often seems the boring one. That would seem to explain the trend of self-destructive behavior demonstrated by Kent thus far. He is definitely shaping up to be more crazy than intended, but I can't lay all the blame on the votes... perhaps I need to put more creative effort into my DPs so not all interesting choices are reckless ones.

Spaceponi, thanks for the comments and welcome to the city! Kent definitely needs to be reigned in sooner or later or his mouth just might get him killed--just cause he's the 'main' character doesn't mean we can rule it out.

:D
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Reiso



Joined: 27 Oct 2004
Posts: 917
Location: Western North America

Posted: Sun Mar 21, 2010 9:33 pm    Post subject:  

For those of you still paying attention, there will be a poll up within the week.
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Crunchyfrog



Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Posts: 3998

Posted: Thu Mar 25, 2010 9:09 am    Post subject:  

Oh yes. Still paying attention. *bats the lever back and forth in anticipation* :D
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Mastermind



Joined: 11 Jan 2007
Posts: 198
Location: Right here.

Posted: Tue Mar 30, 2010 12:47 am    Post subject:  

Crunchyfrog wrote: Oh yes. Still paying attention. *bats the lever back and forth in anticipation* :D

Can I try?

*flips lever*

Hey, this is fun! :D


OT: Just spent the morning reading this. Very intriguing story, and the formatting looks pretty nice. As D-Lotus said, I noticed Jerry and Kent acted a bit reckless, but i credited that to some side-effect of the rock. Also, just a small thing, but in chapter 3 you write "Sara" instead of "Sarah" a few times.
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Reiso



Joined: 27 Oct 2004
Posts: 917
Location: Western North America

Posted: Mon Apr 05, 2010 11:59 am    Post subject:  

Sorry I didn't get the poll up yet guys, I was sick all last week and the mere act of thinking hurt. I will review everyone's suggestions and should have a poll up tonight. Also, thanks to Mastermind for pointing out my name spelling slips, I will fix those too. Thanks to my players for your patience.

:D
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Reiso



Joined: 27 Oct 2004
Posts: 917
Location: Western North America

Posted: Mon Apr 05, 2010 11:10 pm    Post subject:  

Ok, poll is up! Sorry again for it's lateness. There are three options, unless I am missing something. If anyone has a better idea, feel free to post it or PM me, and of course save your vote for after I add it.

I will leave this up for about a week, then get started on chapter six, which I plan to have done around a week after that. I really need to step up my pace, which I might start shortening my chapters to do (just a heads up).

Anyway, voting time!

:D
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