City of IF

saxon215 · Guest

now im tottaly hooked onn this story cant wait till next chapter

sparta12 · Posted: Mon Apr 25, 2005 1:54 am Post subject:

let's all hope this story wins the SGOTM this time around.

saxon215 · Guest

i dont know if i could wait till next month

Araex · Guest

this has inspired me to do my own plane story. it probably won't be as good, but i can hope... it will eventually be about the pilot of a secret WW2 plane

Smee · Guest Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK

Hey Sparta,

I haven't checked in for a while, despite being an avid reader of this one...

A very good recent chapter, with a lot of action. With so much to tell you still manage some good moments in the simulator.

Reading through I spotted a couple of typos :

Quote: Anne’s plan grew bigger 'Plane'.

Quote: when he saw the he flicked the cover of a 'Them' I think.

Quote: distance shooting each other how ever the Zoraxians Just one word for 'however'.

Quote: They didn’t want the Sky Angels [to] know they were coming to stop them. Missing word.

Surprisingly few for such a big chapter. :D

I've voted for the merchant planet - lets get some repairs; although something tells me it isn't going to be that easy.

Happy Writing. :)

sparta12 · Posted: Fri Apr 29, 2005 2:38 am Post subject:

thanks smee.
When this chapter came out I was wondering where you were cause you didnt come on the spot immediately with a dictionary and a thesaurus in your hands as usual

Araex · Guest

When can we expect the next chapter? because I always like something to look forwards to...

sparta12 · Posted: Sat Apr 30, 2005 6:35 pm Post subject:

sparta12 · Posted: Mon May 02, 2005 12:15 am Post subject:

Well I am really pissed off.
We lost a second time and if this story gets nominated again it wont win because we will be up against better stories. E.G. Carver's Blossom and Sheerluck Holmes.
Thus it will probably never win..........
and that makes me so mad It makes me want to cancel the story :x

ethereal_fauna · Guest Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA

Don't cancel the story. You came so close...

Anyways it won't be up against the Carver's Blossoms anytime soon, I can reassure you (gosh. I feel scary as an author now...I know it's a horror story but that's not what has you worried.)

Keep writing and keep trying. Muaddib lost two times in a row, once to Random and once to me, before the Dark Lord won.

sparta12 · Posted: Mon May 02, 2005 3:18 am Post subject:

yeah and Project Nexus has lost 3 times and with no votes.

Araex · Guest

i think you've got next month in the bag

unless there are any new good stories, what's to oppose you?

both CB and Project Nexus are out.. for a while at least.

sparta12 · Posted: Tue May 03, 2005 1:03 am Post subject:

If I get nominated this month there are two stories that I will lose against if nominated.
Carvers Blossom
and
Sheerluck Holmes

ethereal_fauna · Guest Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA

Well put your mind to rest about Carver's Blossoms, as the author is just not up to having it in its own forum just yet.

sparta12 · Posted: Tue May 03, 2005 1:14 am Post subject:

Really?
well thanks for that.
Anyway the next chapter should be up sometime on the weekend. I'll be away for a few days.

sparta12 · Posted: Sat May 07, 2005 12:36 pm Post subject:

Okay im putting everything on hold but I'll post one more chapter for this and method of murder until the end of the voting.
I need some time to relax :)

saxon215 · Guest

fauna and D both have or have had their own forums my frienbd and your story is very deserving you will win sometimes soon if not this month, youve got my vote anyway sparta
and remeeber the first time i put in mits i didnt even get a single vote (not even my own) and the month after i won with more then 50% of the votes just hang in there

Reiso · Posted: Sun May 08, 2005 11:07 am Post subject:

Sparta. Buddy. Listen to me, because I am only going to say this once.

DO NOT QUIT!

Understand me? Virtual is far too good for that. So you didn't win a few times - big deal. Your best story can't be better than everything, and this is a fantasy-favored site - so it's gonna be a little tough on Sci-fi - look at Project Nexus. That's fine. Write it. When the story isn't working, start again. If the chapter is coming out great but changes the story, then you change the story! It's a storygame! They change! Listen to that inspiration when it shows up, and if characters give you trouble, you grab them by their throats, wrestle them to the ground and make them cooperate!

You just have to keep trying until it gets recognized. Do not get discouraged by a few losses. It may very well lose again - in fact, it probably will. But it also WILL get it's own forum sooner or later, because it's too good not to. It's better than some that already have.

Now I'm gonna say something, and it might piss you off. That's fine. But it's not suppose to offend you, it's suppose to be conducive - a little constructive criticism if you will, and here it is: Every moment spent being angry that you lost is time you could be spending writing. I'm not saying you're being a sore loser, or sulking, or feeling sorry for yourself or anything like that, but instead of saying 'Damn! Why didn't I win this time?', you could instead say 'Damn! How can I win next time?'

Keep at it man, this story is great. It needs its own forum.

sparta12 · Posted: Sun May 08, 2005 11:20 am Post subject:

thanks for the motivational speech Reiso. :?
But I aint quitting.
I havent taken a break from this site since I joined the site at the start of the freakin year! I need a little time to relax man. I do have other things I need to concentrate on.
Anyway the new chapter will be up within the week or so.

saxon215 · Guest

well said Reiso, if we had an opem forum thread for most modivational speeches this would be one of them

sparta12 · Posted: Sun May 08, 2005 2:02 pm Post subject:

Im not sure if that is a burn or not :lol:

saxon215 · Guest

lol, nice one sparta

sparta12 · Posted: Sun May 08, 2005 4:33 pm Post subject:

lol... Seriously.

saxon215 · Guest

well i dont think it is but thats just me

sparta12 · Posted: Fri May 20, 2005 4:07 am Post subject:

Virtual
Chapter 6: The Inevitable

Colonel Ballows smoked his cigarette on the bridge as they drifted through the sector they had just travelled through
“What’s the Zoraxian status?” Admiral Magnus asked as the hyperspace travel side effect was wearing off
“They are reporting of fires from Deck C, Section Two to Deck E, Section Five sir!” An ensign reported, shaking her head
“Any Boragnians in the vicinity?” Colonel Ballows asked
“No sir. We’re scanning Planet M One-Five-Six-Zero now sir!” another ensign shouted out
“So how are we going to do this? The Zoraxians have their bridge wiped out and their communications are barely working,” the colonel asked his superior. Admiral Magnus thought for a few minutes.
“What’s our status on our engine and thrusters?” the admiral enquired
“Our engine is functioning at forty-five percent and our thrusters are working at sixty-three percent sir!”
Damn it… We wont be able to land and get repairs with that much damage and we have to be on the planet in order to get a signal. We’ll have to- and then the admiral had a moment of clarity and turned around to the rest of the crew on the bridge
“Get all of our pilots off the ship and Jettison half of everything we don’t need. Also we’ll sell some things when we get on the ground. All the pilots will land on the planet,”
“But sir our fighters will burn up in the atmosphere before they can enter!”
“Not really ensign. There’s going to be some casualties but most of our fighters will survive,” Admiral Magnus answered the ensign
“Go down to Code Yellow,”

Jack Art had been out of his cockpit for only a matter of minutes, during that time he had killed someone who use to be his friend, now he and his pilots were being ordered to go back out. Miserably he walked over to his Viper fighter while the hangar crew zipped up the body and prepared it to be sent over to the morgue.

“All Flying Phoenix pilots form up on me!” the Lieutenant Commander ordered calmly over the squadron channel
“Roger that,” everyone acknowledged and Jack stared through his cockpit window as his squadron’s pilots broke away from their flight path. As they came into range green lines made square reticles around the fighters
“All Fighter and Bomber pilots listen up!” a voice crackled over the open channel
“This is Admiral Magnus… The Freedom cruiser is badly damaged so we have jettisoned all pilots and unnecessary goods. You are all to enter the planet M One-Five-Six-Zero AKA Traders Haven’s atmosphere. Once there you are to await the arrival of our cruiser. Transmission over.”
“What!” Gunnery Sergeant Halloway shouted back through the squadron radio in disbelief
“Why don’t they just ask us to be placed inside a fucking incinerator!?!” Another pilot shouted out. That Jack chuckled at shortly and then listened to the hail of complaints from his squadron’s pilots.
“Everyone shut the fuck up! You received orders people now get moving!” Jack shouted back over the radio
“Yes sir!” Aviation Flight Officer Anne replied while laughing and immediately the pilots engaged their ships into full throttle.

Within a few minutes the pilots were about to enter the planet’s atmosphere but as they flew towards it they could see their fellow pilots burning up and entering the atmosphere.
“Alright let’s do this!” Jack shouted out with enthusiasm, began his descent into the planet’s atmosphere and suddenly the cockpit started heating up. Jack started to sweat, his field of vision in front of him was now shrinking and fires were surrounding fighter.
“Ah shit,” Jack whispered to himself as he started to lose control of the fighter as he continued to through the atmosphere. Jack looked to his left to see one of his fellow pilots just within his field of vision. Parts of the fighter were flying off of the Viper and the fighter next to Jack was flailing about as it tried to stay straight.
“Ah. I’m losing control of my fighter. I can’t keep it straight!” a pilot’s voice screamed over the static as he watched the viper next to him while struggling with his own fighter. Suddenly the nose of the other pilot’s fighter broke off and it started to perform back flips. Jack watched intently and as he watched he could see the bottom half of the fighter was being ripped to pieces. He looked to the cockpit of the fighter to see that he was banging on his cockpit window in agony but then stopped. Oh my god! Jack thought and then looked back to the front of his cockpit to see that a piece of his fighter’s nose was flapping about and his radar showing his fighter’s status showing him that the fighter was pretty much about to go. As Jack struggled to keep his fighter steady he could hear pilots scream over the open channel. He looked over to his left just in time to see a small bit of the wing fly off and make a hole in his fighter.

“Oh fuck me!” he said to himself. Then as his computer informed him that he was beginning to lose Aerial control of his fighter he had just managed to get out through the atmosphere and was in the clear.
“This is Iron-man! I have made it through the atmosphere and am struggling to keep control of my fighter!” Jack reported over the squadron channel. Jack pulled back on his joystick but it was being reluctant and was only pulling up by a small bit but it was not enough. Not to mention the increasing speed of his fighter in his fall was going to continue to tear it shreds.
“This is Iron-man my fighter is increasing its speed I’m losing control. I’m transmitting my co-ordinates now. I gotta ditch!” Jack shouted over the radio, still pulling back on the joystick
“This can’t get any worse!” he whispered while transmitting his co-ordinates over the radio and then finally pulling back on the handle located to the bottom left of his cockpit. Suddenly the computer started flashing and it showed the schematics of the fighter. It showed the cockpit detaching from the rest of the fighter. Jack looked back up in front of him to see that his fighter was almost levelled but it was going to crash into a small mountain in a few a seconds. The cockpit detached from the fighter and jack pulled away from the mountain to avoid an oncoming death. As he pulled up however the escape pod he was now flying clipped the branches of the trees situated on the mountain. As he reached the peak of the mountain his radar started picking up enemy blips
“Everyone get into combat formation we have incoming bogey’s!” Jack informed his fellow pilots.
“This is fucking nuts!” Jack said aloud as he flew over the mountain to see a cluster of enemy fighters coming his way. But then he looked beyond the cluster of dots to see Traders Haven… But it had been changed. It had changed from an amazing metropolis to… to a living city
“Freedom this is Iron-Man. Traders Haven is Boragnian territory! Repeat Traders Haven is Boragnian Territory! Do not land on Traders Haven!” Jack screamed over the radio.
“Jack get out of there! Those Boragnians are coming in from all directions!” Anne’s voice crackled over Jack’s headpiece
“Roger that Anne but I need some cover! They’re coming at me fast!”
“Roger that Iron-man. Gunny get over here and follow my lead!” Anne’s voice crackled over the squadron channel.
Jack performed a back flip, flew back towards his entry point, the first thing he saw were two friendly fighters inside a green, square reticle and smiled. Finally something was going for him today. Jack checked his six, still smiling but only to have it wiped off of his face when he saw a Boragnian Fighter/Bomber with guns blazing. He threw the joystick left in an attempt to avoid the gunfire but his reaction was too slow and the laser round from the enemy fighter clipped his escape pod and suddenly his ship was being thrown towards the ground. Jack looked back down at his computer to check his pod’s status:
Navigational Control Failing
Fuel Leaking
Power Failing
Enemy Missile Closing in at 200 metres.

To be Continued…

ethereal_fauna · Guest Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA

Excellent chapter, filled with tension and excitement. I particularly enjoyed this descriptive, tense and tragic scene:
Quote: He looked to the cockpit of the fighter to see that he was banging on his cockpit window in agony but then stopped. Oh my god! Jack thought and then looked back to the front of his cockpit to see that a piece of his fighter’s nose was flapping about...
I did spot a few errors, and there are also some missing punctuations:
Quote: Colonel Ballows smoked his cigarette on the bridge as they drifted through the sector they had (maybe were, or presently)traveled through.

“What’s the Zoraxian status?” Admiral Magnus asked as the hyperspace travel side effect (was) wearing off
“They are reporting of fires from Deck C, Section Two to Deck E, Section Five sir!” An ensign reported, shaking their (his or her) head

“Alright let’s do this!” Jack shouted out with enthusiasm. He began his descent into the planet’s atmosphere and suddenly the cockpit started heating up.

Jack performed a back flip, flew back towards his entry point, the first thin he saw were two friendly fighters

I'll post more after I've considered the situation further. Keep up the good writing!

sparta12 · Posted: Fri May 20, 2005 4:01 pm Post subject:

okay corrections have been made but I didnt understand your first suggestion. (maybe were, presently)

sparta12 · Posted: Fri May 20, 2005 4:10 pm Post subject:

okay now I get it

saxon215 · Guest

i thougt ordering them to try and land happened pretty brashly and they really didnt seem to care at all

sparta12 · Posted: Fri May 20, 2005 10:17 pm Post subject:

Quote: “Why don’t they just ask us to be placed inside a fucking incinerator!?!” Another pilot shouted out. That Jack chuckled at shortly and then listened to the hail of complaints from his squadron’s pilots

oh really sax?

saxon215 · Guest

not the pilots themselves but the admiral did

sparta12 · Posted: Sat May 21, 2005 12:03 am Post subject:

actually I tried to fit in a paragraph where it had the Admiral's reactions but I couldnt fit it in so that'll be in the next chapter.

saxon215 · Guest

okay cool

sparta12 · Posted: Sat May 21, 2005 1:14 am Post subject:

Also before someone asks I should explain why there was an escape pod for Jack and not for the Gunny.
The reason is that the Gunny's power had completely shut down so he couldnt eject from the fighter into an escape pod.
Meanwhile Jack had power inside his fighter.

Araex · Guest

Nice chapter - can't wait for the next bit!

ethereal_fauna · Guest Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA

Liking the new avatar, sparta.

sparta12 · Posted: Sat May 21, 2005 8:47 pm Post subject:

eh he :D
cowofdoom666 will see a connection when he sees mine.

sparta12 · Posted: Tue May 24, 2005 4:04 am Post subject:

okay,
Incase your wondering. I've gotten Reiso to delete most of the posts about my Announcement that was posted while I was mourning.

ethereal_fauna · Guest Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA

Good deal. They were really depressing. But now I have to do this all over again (just so you won't be able to fully escape the embarassment of it.)

*gives sparta a big hug (again) to cheer him up* 8)

Reiso · Posted: Tue May 24, 2005 8:42 am Post subject:

sparta, I don't pretend to know anything about you or what you''re going through, but you have my honest condolences for what they're worth.