City of IF

[Amichan]

Warning this Chapter does contain a sex scene READERS DISCRETION is advised


The morning is peaceful yet serene, Buffalo grazed uninterrupted among the teepees and occasional longhouses that dotted the very plentiful prairie lands, yes this was what heaven was to Running Wind.
At fifteen, she was the oldest of the soon-to-be women of her tribe. Although she did not have a say on anything tribe related, her voice was filled with wisdom and was widely valued amongst her people.
Her morning was anything but peaceful, as she and Great Feather, the chief’s son, had been secretly courting each other for quite some time, Things had been peaceful within the tribe and such complacency had allowed the two to escape to an abandoned longhouse still within ears distance of the village. Their playful taunts and tenuous touching from the past few months had led from mere shyness and embarrassment to now a full intimate moment in the longhouse.
Running Wind lay upon a buffalo skin, gasping for air between her moaning and the pleasurable thrusts being exerted by Great Feather, as their intimate moment continued to escalate.
A buffalo reared its head up quickly. What had disturbed is so? It quickly urged the herd of to migrate as danger littered the horizon, brushing by the intimate longhouse. Running Wind stopped Feather in mid thrust. “My love, what was that?”

“Just a buffalo moving to better grounds” Feather cooed as he endured to control the ecstasy of the moment “Relax, there is nothing there.”

Wind, complacent with Feathers judgment, lay back down, growled, and groaned as Feather penetrated her young innocent soul once again. To Wind, this was heaven indeed,

To some though, heaven was not what it should have been. The tribes’ resources had been plundered and pillaged to the point that survival was limited to a dismal few days. The tribe leaders had been in council most of the day completely unaware of the youthful antics or the animals' unusual behavior that indicated that danger was so near

A slow array of hoof beats echoed in the distance. Eagles fluttered away to flee the imminent threat. The buffalo were long vacant from the tranquility as a stench of fear and uncertainty now gripped the prairie.
Screams and shrieks quickly echoed from within the village as blasts from a white man’s “thunder stick” sharp and true, broke the serenity of the village. Another innocent victim had been slain.

Wild Horse, bursted in to the once intrepid longhouse “Feather come quick our vil…” His words trailed off as he has discovered what his son had been doing with his spare time.” What is the meaning of this? You court this young girl and not make it known to the tribe? You act as if you are ashamed of this! You are a man of this tribe and could soon well be the …”

“ENOUGH!” Feather lashed out “I know what I am to be, trust me, I know... but apparently this is not the time for this conversation is it? You were mentioning something?”

Horses’ brow twitched over the adolescent outburst of his son. Was he even ready for such a task of being wed? Much less for war? Time was not slow nor was it fair. “Our village is under siege from the white man. Get to our home and grab whatever weapon you can find. We will discuss your actions later." Feather obeyed and fled to retrieve what little of an arsenal was left from the chief’s hut

Wind lunged forward to retrieve her dress and Horse laid a gentle hand on her shoulder. “I pray you have treated him fairly?”

Wind blushed, unsure of how to respond “Y…Yes I have… I would not treat him any other way.”

Horse then got a stern look on his face “was he umm…,” Even as a chief and father the question he knew would not be easy, “exploring you?”

Wind gasped, How long had he knew that her and Feather had planned this day. “Yes he was.”

Horses’ tension waned “Hmm... then the talk among the people are true.” Wind huddled down in the skin completely scared and embarrassed. She knew now that their secret rendezvous weren’t so secret.

Horse brushed her cheek “Do not be shunned my child. I realize living amongst my people after yours had been laid to rest has not been easy nor has it been forgiving. I understand that you are coming of age as this is obvious. Horse turned to leave and sighed “but it is my son in whom I am concerned with. He is young and very inexperienced in life. Granted he has seen many winters just as you have. I fear his heart is not where it should be, but I must make haste as there is death and war amongst us”

Wind Shuddered under the buffalo skin that she clutched while shielding her tears from her now blossomed cheeks. Had she just sent the love that she had away without commitment? Was Wild Horse right? Was Feather just short of her years? She knew that the answers would not surface, not at this time, as death, blood, and tears, rained down on what was her little village. Courageously she triumphantly emerged from the longhouse to a massacre like none other.

Arrows flew as the braves and chiefs engaged in what seemed to be a hopeless melee of powder and lead. Wind could see Horse tangled up with two of the white men striking and parrying every blow that was aimed at him. She knew he was strong, how much more would he be able to endure the attacks that were being unleashed.

Nearby, she noticed Feather, crossed in heated hand-to-hand combat with his tomahawk. The bow he normally had in his possession had been damaged beyond repair, and the rifle he had earned in a trade was well out of reach. The opposition looked to be a seasoned fighter well advanced for his years... almost appeared to military...

"Wind!” cried Red Fist from a nearby longhouse,” Get over here and help protect the children!"

Wind looked around. Her village was in near shambles. The warrior she called "Father" fighting for his people. The brave she considered her love fighting for survival and the future of the tribe just mere footsteps away being protected by the mother of her lover.






Well guys there is a lot of wiggle room with this. This is my first story in well over a year so I am looking forward to a lot of help not only with the DP but what to title this story?

[Smee]

Hey Kang,

Nice to see an entirely different sort of story... don't think I recall a native Indian story before. :)

There's quite a lot of typos, punctuations and such in the wrong place - I recommend a thorough edit.

... and I'm not too sure what the decision point actually is. :? Could you clarify?

[Thunderbird]

F5 to Smee... I was going to mention all the same (Especially the punctuation... there was a comma that was acting like a period, with a capital beginning to follow, commas where there should have been periods and no period at all in one spot where it was clear you'd begun a new sentence).

I also look forward to this story's development considering the Genre is new and refreshing and you did it justice! (Though I wasn't sure he'd be taking so much time talking with Running Wind when the tribe is under attack!)

My suggestion would be for us to make a DP from Running Wind's point of view... was this what you had in mind? Perhaps by phrasing it into a question we can give some suggestions.

Oh yeah... as for a name... I've never named a story based on a loose idea. All of my names have been to suggest something about the long term focus of the story. Therefore, if I were naming this story, I'd be unable to give even an idea for a name yet since I usually introduce the cause of the story name after a number of introductory chapters.

[Amichan]

i can add a little more to the story to help clarify the DP and i appreciate the feedback. I'm Mainly trying to knock the rust of per se. so this is to warm up but i will reevaluate and try to open it up as much as i can

[Amichan]

I know this is a double post but here is what i have done for editing.
I reworded a few sentences
Added on to the end of the chapter actually exposing you ( the reader ) the scene and have actually opened up 3 or more possible DP's. and tried to edit my punctuation as best as i can. if there are more errors or some suggestions on where this should go let me know

[Thunderbird]

Ok, I like this DP... definately tense!

I say she run to grab Feather's rifle, blast the bastard grappling him and pull him away to help her defend the children!

[Crunchyfrog]

Whatever she does, she's going to be seen. She's not going to be accurate with the rifle, and what can a young girl do to help protect the children in a situation line this?

The guy is a military type, 'seasoned fighter for his years'. That suggests that he is young. She should use this to her advantage.

I suggest she gets out into the open, hoping that her appearance will surprise and distract the guy long enough for Feather to get the upper hand.

[Amichan]

ok good ideas so far. still have the chief to account for hes got 2 on him..

[Novelest_Ninjagirl]

Noni here:
I saw a few errors still there with the comma's and periods, but other then that it seems like it was cleaned up nicely.

As for the dp: I think CF is right. she should rush forward and hope that her appearence will be distracting enough to give feather the upper hand. At the same time, I think she should still grab a weapon- probably feathers rifle- rather then just stand there.

[vgmaster]

Great stuff Kang, great stuff.

As for the DP...

She should help out Feather. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because feathers don't work without wind.

[Amichan]

Great suggestions everyone!!! Since this a battle I've left it up to guys if Wind distracts or kills in this DP

[kryptikangel]

well first off i have to criticise on you as well as the others my love.... this is a very good story yet it leaves you wondering what lead them to this scene and how they all got there to where Feather was "courting" Wind.....? hmmm

[Amichan]

just 2 more days for this poll and it's looking like there will be a tie

[Bookwizard]

Interesting story... I would say maybe a bit jumpy here and there but otherwise original and I like that! Sorry I missed the DP and voting, maybe I will make it for the next chapter! Best of Luck.

[Amichan]

Thank you Bookwizard The next chapter is in the works ... somewhat

[Amichan]

Second chapter is completed!!! don't hang me too bad on this guys


Despite the quandary of blood and smoke mixing in the unbearable midday sunlight, Wind reluctantly obeyed the elder woman that was not only Feather’s mother but Horse’s wife as well. Wind knew better than to disobey. Wind huddled in the longhouse that was adjacent to the melee of the battlefield as Red Fist went to aid her bewildered, fatigued husband.

Wind watched silently as the battle ensued. Feather countered the weathered infantry man blow for blow, occasionally losing his balance but nevertheless maintaining the upper hand over the assailant. Horse however was a little more imaginative on his tactics. He was dealing with a retired calvaryman and a former gunner, neither one had much experience in a close combat situation. Horse took advantage of that weakness as he evaded an erroneous thrust from the cavalryman that found a home in his fellow countryman’s heart. Horse seized this moment of terror and finished the cavalryman off with a sharp unrelenting blow from his tomahawk.

Fist rushed to her husband’s side, “Are you alright my love?”

Horse struggled with his breathing, “Y...Yes I am fine ….but”

Horses’ words fell short as he realized that his son’s fate was in jeopardy
The infantryman had bested Feather and was hovering for a deadly strike. Fist impulsively rushed for the rifle that lain near her son. She vehemently raised to fire, but a piercing pain suddenly took her over… The infantryman had noticed Fist rushing in to slay him. He unleashed a hidden throwing knife whose fate rested in Fist’s throat.

Feather enraged, struck the infantryman with his tomahawk and impacted a lung, the man writhed in horror over the pain and the surprise that an adolescent warrior had seen an opportunity and seized the moment of avenging his mother.
Wind and the others then scurried to Fists side as blood seeped out of her neck. Horse hovered in uncertainty as he feared the worst.

Wind, Feather and Horse sat in the council tent while the rest of the tribe went back to usual business. Horse sat silently neither uneasy nor unsure on what to say to the young couple or what to think of his life if Fist were to not exist anymore. The medicine man arrived a few minutes later that confirmed Horse’s fear... Red Fist had not survived the injury that has been dealt to her…

Horse had to make a tough decision. Risk losing more what he had loved or save what he had left. But that decision would come after the funeral of Red Fist….

The funeral was somber at best as many fellow tribesmen showed to pay their respects to the once honorable and loyal soul that was Red Fist. Nature had approved their condolences as well as the buffalo and deer seem to lie around the scene as if to guard the sacred moment from any outside intruders. Funeral rituals and dances were performed as the belief was that these would lead Fist to the Great Spirit and to peace in the heavens these continued into the night as Horse contemplated what to do with the young couple at hand…

The next morning Horse called Wind and Feather to the council where many murmurs had been stirring over the past night.

Wind and Feather arrived to a crowd of stares and facial inquiries. What had stirred this kind of fury up?

Horse rose to his feet and opened the council “My Brothers … last night was a tragic ordeal that has caused not only my family grief but has endangered this village”

“And it is cause of that girl that is fornicating with our chiefs son” a council bystander blurted out

Horse walked up to the crier “Well, since you feel that way why don’t you tell her the truth then?”

“What truth?” Wind alleged, did Horse know something about herself that she didn’t even know?

The bystander stifled any further outburst,“I thought not” Horse uttered as he regained his seat amongst the circle

Feather chimed in,“You were saying Father?”

Horse resumed,"yes my son thank you… This threat has endangered the village and providing the council’s vote I am urging that we move the entire village to a new location."

Gasps and awes emerged from the announcement, “Why should we have to move due to the white man attacking us?” another had cried out.

Horse had anticipated this question in advance, “My brothers and sisters…. The white man is many while we are very few .It would not take much for them to overpower us. Our other brothers have seen the white man moving slowly into our lands taking as they please and white man outlaws rustling our horses from the other side. I do wish for us to stay here but it is for the safety of our people and our tribe. Until the council votes I am not going to say anymore on this matter” Horse then left to go outside and let the council confer.

Wind chased after Horse and aggressively cornered him,“What truth are you hiding from me?”

Horse tried to evade her question, “There is no truth,”

Wind knew better,“Please do not lie to me I can see in your eyes that this bothers you so … please tell me. I can deal with what you have to tell me.”

Horse sighed he knew telling her the truth would tear her heart in two but it was his son that he was afraid of hurting…


Well guys its a double DP. You guys get to be the council and decide if Horse should divulge what ever secret he is hiding from Wind and/ or should the village be moved ( it is a tad short [900 words] ) but i didn't want to give anything away

[Thunderbird]

The battle did confuse me a little, but mainly due to the length of time between the chapters. The characters have been introduced but largely forgotten by name at this point, making this an effort to follow.

That said, it was entertaining, though I did have the impression it was a larger battle going on that involved more than the melee you described, making the later gathering a bit surprising, at least without some more explenation as to what happened elsewhere in the battle.

Still liking the tale though. I'm interested to hear this secret... sounds like important information. And yes, prepare the tribe to move, but before leaving, make sure its necessary. Send negotiators to speak with the white leaders to try to understand why they attacked in the first place.

[Amichan]

T-bird you never cease to amaze with your ideas and the battle is a bit rushed as writing is not my strong suit but i plan on getting better as i go along

[The White Blacksmith]

Tell her. Tell her and make her leave the tribe.

[Tikanni Corazon]

I'm liking this tale so far, Kang. I haven't found anything else like it on IF.
I personally think that he shouldn't tell her the secret yet. It will add a slight air of mystery throughout the rest of the story, and keep the reader wondering. Unless the secret happens to be something that means that they need to put a stop to their relationship, like they're brother and sister or something (YUK!).
I think that the village should move on as quickly as possible, and I disagree with
Thunderbird. I think that they should move on secretly, and get as far away from their enemy as possible. ;)

[Amichan]

all good ideas so far i'll take suggestions for a couple more days

[Liana]

First off, Indians don't refer to heaven as "heaven" It's usually referred to as the great spirit land, or the spirit path. Something along those lines. Indians are not christian so the word "heaven" holds no meaning to them. Second, A random rendezvous such as you describe would not be so easy to pull off. In that kind of society, there is ALWAYS someone tending to fires, or to animals. You just made them randomly appear in an abandoned long house. Another thing prairie indians don't use long houses. Prairie indians live only in tepees as they are portable. Long houses are more of a hassle than tepees. Therefore, if the indians needed to move quickly and efficiently long houses would slow them down. Thirdly I believe the point you are driving at is well, LAME. I mean come on. A girl who was taken in to the tribe after her parents were murdered by the very tribe that took her in? I mean I assume that's the way you were going with the story. As if enough movies haven't been made about the subject. This story bears a similar plot to that of Underworld but in a different setting. And two kids having sex? can you say pervert? Is this really the best you can do? It's basically a VERY cheap pedophile porn story.

[Thunderbird]

Quote: I assume that's the way you were going with the story.
Aside from the obvious RUDE factor here, this is the part that really gets me about your comment. Much of what you say IS based on assumption and goes far beyond what has actually been written.

While some of the points you make bear some scant validity, the tone in which they were conveyed is far beyond the bounds of a civilized and helpful reply. Keep your posts constructive (and what baffles me the most here is that I actually have to SAY THIS!) or don't post at all.

My God, if you felt it was that bad, why did you keep reading it? And as for the part about Quote: And two kids having sex? can you say pervert? Is this really the best you can do? It's basically a VERY cheap pedophile porn story.
Since you seem to know so much about Native American customs than you perhaps should have known to omit this incredibly contemptable comment. As you said, Quote: Indians are not christian thus they had a differing view on this matter that I felt Kang captured both delicately and accurately.

I'm warning you now, as a council member, ultra-negative posts like this WILL get you removed from our city. While pointing out flaws and making sometimes blunt and painful criticisms can be done with the best of intentions, THIS is NOT the sort of feedback any of us need.

[Amichan]

Disregard it T-Bird i have contacted Phan about the matter and it is being dealt with but thank you for your concern I do appreciate it

[Smee]

This comment has been brought to my attention, a disappointing issue to be faced with first thing in the morning.

It is clearly in complete disregard of the rules for civility on these forums, and totally unacceptable, from anyone.

Any further comments in this vein will be met with severe consequences.

[Amichan]

I think His mayorness has covered any and all opinions that i may have on this matter.

so if there are no other objections I am still up for suggetions for this next DP

[Amichan]

I know its a double post but Thanks to T-bird this story now has a title YAY!!

[Liana]

I'm sorry I may have been harsh. Sometimes I get a bit carried away with my criticism. I'm sorry I was, well downright witchy with a b if you know what I mean. Sorry to all Ifians for any distress I may have caused.

[Lilith]

I would honestly go with moving the village, but keeping the secret to himself... for now. Personal issues should be moved to the side while the village as a whole needs to be kept safe. They can come into play later when it's a little less dangerous for people to be distracted by them. If they continue to debate and deliberate, the "white-man" can overpower them while they are still in council, even.

[Bookwizard]

It was a bit jumpy in the transition from the battle to the next day and I was a bit confused when you took that religious turn with "fornication" and "father" and "my son". Though besides this the chapter was interesting and well composed.

As for the DP... the village should defiantly be moved, there should be some controversy though... Maybe the council is so divided that the tribe ends up splitting up, some moving other staying and being slaughtered (you can keep with your emerging theme of drama that way). This "secret" should be kept as such for a while into the story I think... always lingering. Have Horse (I think that's the right character) go through some moral conflict (I suggest this to almost every SG I follow at some point or another, because it really does ad some more depth to the story). He should almost tell Wind several times, but never have the heart to, not knowing if it would be more just to keep it from her or cause pain by sharing it with her.

Well, that's what I've got, hope it helps!

[Amichan]

well the suggestions have been laid out there .. as i indicated this is a double DP so the polls will contain choices that cover both of them and i usually leave a poll up for a week this one since it is a double DP will be left up for 2 weeks so the next chappy will probably be ready right around the first week of december ( after i take care of the Nov issue of the IFQ of course )

[Fenris]

I'm going with the third. Move and keep the chiefs' quiet. It makes more sense in the long run. Nice chappy Kang! Looking forward to more!

[Crunchyfrog]

Just caught up with this and voted. Looks like there's an overwhelming winner there! :D

[Amichan]

Well since the "tribe " has spoken i will try to get this next chappy ready during the thanksgiving week then