City of IF

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

Chapter 1 ---> The Eighth Door

'Joanne' yelled Mark as he pushed open the doors of his private office. No reply. For the past half an hour Mark was searching for her. He had no clue where she was and she was supposed to be meeting him an hour ago. Her presence was needed for what he intended to do. This was not a one man job. Mark rushed through his papers, files hoping that she had left a message for him. Nothing. He knew calling her cell phone was dangerous... to her. In desperation, he took out his phone and called her. Waiting, he formulated a plan in his mind. Robbery was not something he wanted to do. He was forced into it. He waited for so many years, carefully formulating a plan, cautiously choosing his assistant. And now, in the moment of action, she was nowhere to be seen.

Joanne could feel her cell phone vibrating in her breast pocket. She knew it was Mark. She knew she should have met him an hour ago. In fact, she would have. If it had not been for the black sedan.

She had been walking peacefully at Broadwalk Station, just a turn off the St.Thomas road, where Mark was supposed to have been waiting. Suddenly, she had felt herself being pulled into a sedan. She tried to scream, but before she could open her mouth, she had smelt chloroform. Then she woke up here. Her hands tied behind her back and her legs chained to the iron pole, around which she was tied.

Then her captor walked into the room. Joanne felt the captor's breath on her face and she felt his hand rising towards her breast pocket. He put his hands inside her pocket and took out the cell phone. 'Slick' he said. He waited for the call to end and then proceeded sending a message.

He's trying to get Mark here!. As soon as she realized this, she scanned her surroundings hoping for a possible method of escape. She saw that the only thing in the room except her, her captor and the iron pole was a window, about 8 ft high and a 4 ft away from her. There where stacks of books in the wall, ropes, baseball bats, and hockey sticks and all sorts of stuff scattered on the floor. Her captor was right in front of her, facing the window, and away from her. And she could see that he had a knife in his pocket.

Ingrothechundyer · Posted: Wed Aug 25, 2010 2:46 am Post subject:

Good morning Vishal and welcome to the City :)

This sounds like it could be an interesting Story Game.

I'm guessing the Decision Point is what she should do at this point?

I guess I need some more in information before I can even start to give input.

For example how does she know he as a knife in his pocket? Can she see it? Is it falling out?

Also how did she get into the room? Did they come in the window? How wide is it? Does it have glass? Bars? A handle :P

How big is the room?

Is the floor clean or is there stuff scattered on it? Stacks of things on the walls that might possibly be useful?

How tightly are her hands bound? Is it something that she things that she can wiggle out of if her captor is distracted?

How far is her captor from her?

Which direction is he facing? (Away from her? Facing her?)

How high is the roof? Is there anything up there that might be useful?

Sorry I don't have much to offer at this point :(

Ingro

Lebrenth · Joined: 29 Dec 2005 Posts: 1483 Location: Utah

Assuming the DP is what Joanne does, she can't do anything until she can get free. If she can manage to loosen the knots a little, there's a chance she can get her hand on the knife. If she does manage to loosen the knots, she probably ought to keep it a secret until it looks like a good time to strike. She won't have much time to react, assuming she can get the knife at all.

Another remote possibility is breaking away the bar from the floor, ceiling and/or wall. She should carefully test the security of the bar, but not make a move until she's not being observed, if that happens.

It is more likely that she is trapped and can do nothing until released, in the mean time, all she can do is watch and listen as closely as she can. Try to know as much as possible about who has kidnapped her and what he (or they) want. It's possible a deal can be arranged, perhaps by betraying Mark. It sounds loathsome, but she may not have a choice. Plus she might have the chance to not hold up her side of the bargain.

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

Hi!!!

Thanks for your replies!!!

well i noticed i didnt give away much information in the actual chapter :(
Joanne can SEE the knife in her captor's pocket and she is tightly bound.
Yes, the DP is what she should do, but it can also be what she does after Mark enters .

:D :D :D

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

AND
joanne doesn't know how she got in. (even i don't ;) )
BUT that's probably because she was unconcious...

Lebrenth · Joined: 29 Dec 2005 Posts: 1483 Location: Utah

Vishal Muralidharan wrote: (even i don't ;) )

Ah, come on now. Just because we make it up as we go doesn't mean we have to tell everyone! You're going to give us all away!

Personally, I try to hide the scaffolding, so to speak, so people can't tell just how much time I put into the story (or didn't put in the story). It helps the reader suspend disbelief, so they can believe there is a living and breathing world out there, and we just happen to be reading about it. Of course, I'm very deterministic and I always have a plan, but some people prefer to write more intuitively or spontaneously.

Anyway, for your next chapter I recommend planning for the DP. DP's are where we invest in the story, so it's very important that they are instrumental. The last DP gave us very few options and little information, so the responses were kind of general and vague. We're basically waiting for the next chapter to see if we get more of a chance to play. However, the writing is good, the idea of being involved in a heist is fun and interesting, and the chapters quickly get to the point.

For the next DP, give us something to think about. For instance, the captor could offer a suspicious but lucrative deal, or Mark might have to decide whether he'll try to shoot the captor while he's holding Joanne at knife point. The tougher the decision, the more debate you'll get, which will increase readership.

Anyway, those are suggestions. I'll be waiting for your poll and your next chapter!

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

Polls are up, folks!!! cast your votes!!!!

Lebrenth · Joined: 29 Dec 2005 Posts: 1483 Location: Utah

Went for "Strike a deal", although kicking sounded like a good idea, if the moment was right. However, wasn't her legs chained up? I didn't think she had the ability to kick. Anyway, if we can reason with the man, maybe he'll let down his guard. Then we can take advantage of the situation.

Crunchyfrog · Joined: 12 Dec 2006 Posts: 3998

I went for 'strike a deal' as well. I get the impression that Mark knows why she has been captured, even if she doesn't. So now would be the time to try and learn something. It might also help keep the captor distracted if Mark is on his way.

Welcome to IF!

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

Mark rushed out of his office, feeling sweat trickling down his throbbing forehead as anger pounded him. He had just received a message from Joanne. It went somthing like this....

"hey! im sorry cudnt meet you. im at the eighth door, u kno the one at King Patrick road??? right there. get here soon..
Joanne

He got on to a taxi and slammed the door behind him. Then he stopped. 'King Patrick road? She never goes there. Its surrounded by graveyards and....' . He felt his blood chill. Then it hit him. When it did he felt like he was whacked by a truck. "They love graveyards! its their pride!. Plus, she never signed out as Joanne. It was always "J". And the Taxi screeched to a halt. Toward his right, Mark could see the sign

No. Eight, King Patrick Road

"Wait!" said Joanne. " Don' Hurt Mark" she said. And she gave her captor the most desperate and helpless look she could.

" Too late" he whispered. His voice was like ice.

"What should I do? Please keep him out of this... its not his fault, is it?"

"IT IS!" he yelled. "We took you to get to him!"

"Well, as soon as he gets here and doesn't see me, he'll leave" she said.

She tried to look directly into his eyes and speak in a calm leveled tone. But she knew her voice had trembled.

shit!

But he didn't seem to notice. He realized what she said was true. They had to get to him!. He had to negotiate.

"ok..." he said. "After you help us, you'll be free to go....we wont hurt you".
yes!
She knew she had won. but she decided to play him.

"ARE YOU MAD?!" She screamed.

And now her captor had to beg.

"Listen, i don't have a gun with me. No fire arms. Just this Knife. There's no one else here. I'll even pay you. All you have to do is get him inside here. I promise not to kill him." Then he stopped.

She grinned. "Release Me".

Mark was still standing outside the door. He didn't want to go in unless he saw Joanne. He was standing here for the past 10 minutes and he was still waiting. ' 5 more minutes' he thought. Then he saw her.

Joanne was barely out of the room when she saw him. Door no.8 was open and he was just outside. She took a half glance at her captor who was hiding inside. He said his men were outside the door, but she could not see anyone other than Mark outside. Then Mark glanced up and saw her. Joanne could see a sign of relief on Mark's face and half heard something from behind her. Then as her heart thumped loud and hard she proceeded downstairs.

Mark was relieved to see Joanne and waited as she started to climb downstairs. he frowned. She looked disturbed....scared. Then behind the room from where she had come, he saw a quick movement and the gleam of metal. Joanne looked at him and gave him a weak smile. She came downstairs and quickly filled him on what had happened. And Mark's brain started to race. He considered running, or going upstairs and taking the captor down. Time was running out.

Lebrenth · Joined: 29 Dec 2005 Posts: 1483 Location: Utah

Maybe the captor and his people are dumb, but probably they're all ready to ambush Mark. There are probably more of them in waiting or maybe the captor is just really that good that he thinks he can take Mark out himself. In any case, I think it's time to make a hasty retreat, and it will probably help if there's some distraction to mix things up.

I'm thinking we should start a bar brawl. We should grab the nearest person and throw him as forcefully as we can into another person. Throw beer people's faces, call them all a bunch of fairies, get them riled up however we can. Once the fight has really started, try make an escape anyway possible. Going through a window is customary, but that can be very painful so a backdoor might be adequate.

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

Quote: We should grab the nearest person and throw him as forcefully as we can into another person.

Problem is, Mark and Joanne are robbers. Any illegal activity before their haul is likely to make them infamous. So, they would probably have to break and enter, which would make things tougher. But considering the situation they are in as of now, it seems like a great idea.

I had thought of running, possibly to Mark's "Area of Influence" and then proceed to robbing, but it sounds far less great than what you suggested. When i go for a poll, both would be there i guess.

Anyway, Thanks a lot for your suggestion, Lebrenth!!!

Thunderbird · Posted: Sat Sep 04, 2010 8:14 am Post subject:

Quote: All you have to do is get him inside her.

This could really be misinterpreted...

Anyhow,aside from a simple request to run your work through a spell and grammar checker before posting, I am liking this.

I agree with Lebby, but one question... are our protagonists armed in any way? I don't really like the idea of running when he may be alone (no sign of any other men being in on this plot aside from the captor mentioning some which could be a bluff) and we still don't know why he wanted to get at us.

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

Quote: All you have to do is get him inside her. was meant to be...
All you have to do is get him inside here.... :D

Anywayz....Our protagonists are not armed.... well, ya there are people around, but you dont know who's your enemy and who's not. It still could be a bluff, if none of them are on his side. But that's highly unlikely, isn't it???

Yes, you still don't know why she was kidnapped, yeah, but you know ther's more than 1 person involved(if u don't, then reread...).

For weapons, you could do something with the stuff i mentioned in the first post.

Thanks for your reply!
_________________________________

"IF YA SMELLLLLLL What The Rock IS Cooking!"- Dwayne "the Rock " Johnson

Thunderbird · Posted: Sun Sep 05, 2010 6:57 am Post subject:

All those items mentioned were in the room upstairs with the captor, right? Yeah... I don't like leaving but, sheesh... why not? Maybe go get armed in some manner, THEN return, or head across the street to some location where we can hide and wait til the captor walks out to look for us and bag him down the alleyway... Obviously the LAST thing we should do would be to go upstairs as that's what he wants us to do.

Ingrothechundyer · Posted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 12:23 pm Post subject:

Vishal Muralidharan wrote: Quote: We should grab the nearest person and throw him as forcefully as we can into another person.

Problem is, Mark and Joanne are robbers. Any illegal activity before their haul is likely to make them infamous. So, they would probably have to break and enter, which would make things tougher. But considering the situation they are in as of now, it seems like a great idea.

Hmm...

How about if Mark faked getting hit and retaliated. Then at least there is a chance that he won't get credit for starting the brawl.

Does the robbery have to happen tonight?

In any case getting out of here seems like a good idea.

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

Well, that's actually a great idea!

The robbery doesn't have to happen tonight, but they cant wait until the issue of the bar fight is forgotten.

If they do pretend to get hit, it'd be quite obvious that they are acting, because many people could be looking and unless NO-ONE is looking, they can't pull it off...[/quote]

Ingrothechundyer · Posted: Thu Sep 09, 2010 8:09 am Post subject:

Ok I'm out :)

No point debating with an author who has made up their mind...

No point playing when an author has made up their mind...

EDIT:

I guess my main issue is that I don't understand some of the basic issues here.

1) *Who* is at the bar that is going to cause the problem. We know that *they* are here but *they* already know about us as well.

2) *Why* does it matter if any random person sees start the fight? While I agree there is a *chance* that the wrong person might see if Mark starts the fight I don't see why it is a *guarantee* that he can't pull it off.

People tend to see things differently and if a general brawl erupts it will be a while before anyone starts putting the pieces back together.

And since he isn't planning on being here it would seem that the person who saw him start the fight would have to

a) Recognize him
or
b) See him again.

If he is extremely memorable in a bar in *their* territory why is that? He should have been keeping a low profile and working on *not* being memorable.

3) When does the robbery have to happen. It would take time for his infamy to spread even if he was identified as the one who stared the fight.

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

The Author HAS NOT made up his mind......

Lebrenth · Joined: 29 Dec 2005 Posts: 1483 Location: Utah

I'll stand by you on that, Vishal. I see you have a clear idea of the situation and I can appreciate that. I actually prefer author feedback to ideas, since I prefer to approach SG's like puzzles to work out rather than stories to weave. I think there's just been some confusion. To avoid confusion, I recommend giving more direction for the decision point.

For this last chapter, for instance, you can add a line at the bottom of the story that tells the readers what kind of decision point (DP) it is. Some authors, including me, make instructions in italic like this:

DP: What should Mark or Joanne do to get out of danger?

That way, we know we aren't allowed to alter the story itself, such as "I think the police should suddenly barge in looking for Mark" or "I think the captor should whip out an Uzi and waste everyone in the bar". Instead, we try to find solutions that are within the correct characters' means, such as suggesting that Joanne accuse the captor of raping her in hopes of getting the people in the bar to help her.

Actually, a friend of mine got knocked on his butt and kicked on the ground till he passed out, then woke up with them still kicking him, all because a woman said he did something he didn't... so that might be a good idea. Could you add that to the poll?

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

Quote: Instead, we try to find solutions that are within the correct characters' means, such as suggesting that Joanne accuse the captor of raping her in hopes of getting the people in the bar to help her.

Lebby, that is such a fantastic idea!

It seems to me as the only foolproof suggestion for this DP, and hence, will obviously be added to the poll, among the other options.

Only flaw in this plan (that I can think of) is that the people around should believe what Joanne says, and the should have a reason to. But since half of them would be drunk, I guess that would be easy.

Okay, Folks!

Polls are UP!!!!!!

Crunchyfrog · Joined: 12 Dec 2006 Posts: 3998

Did I miss the poll?

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

yeah you did!!! im gonna start writing the chapter lyk right now!

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

The captor was starting to feel suspicious. His glances out through the door became more frequent and every time he did, he could clearly see them, standing next to a kiosk named 'The Kiosk Palace' and chatting. The captor finally took out his LRMT (Long Range Message Transmitter), a device which looked like half a apple carved to the inside and started transmitting. This was a device devised by the Lord himself and the Lord was the only other person who had such a device.

After waiting for a few minutes, he looked out again and saw them take parting ways and immediately a group of 8 teens parted as well. The Captor smiled, his lips crooked like broken fork. By the time he received The Lord's message, he had realized that the targets were doing nothing specific. They were just hanging around as if they were strangers to each other, making new friends. He frowned and considered The Lord's order. He had to do it anyway. So he slowly exited the room and proceeded making his way downstairs.

Joanne was starting to get fidgety. Mark had given her an idea, something which could work, but there was no sign of the captor. She had just parted ways with Mark and had expected the captor to come out immediately, which hadn't happened, but Mark had just kept quiet and didn't even glance at her. we don't know each other. Pretend! he had said. She was ready to do that but for how long?

Sighing she continued to talk with Joe, a skin-head, who was very muscular and had a square handsome face. With his broad shoulders, he looked the strongest of everyone at the place and so Mark had chosen him. Yes, Mark had chosen him. As she continued to talk, she noticed the captor walking down. She hid her smile and continued to talk.

All it took Mark to realize that the captor was coming down was his 'Sixth Sense'. What's He doing here??? Mark would recognize that man from anywhere. There could be only one man who had an aura of such evil that your skin would prick when you were around him.

Mark then took a quick glance and became grim. Yes, it was him alright. He just continued talking with the bartender, praying that the captor didn't get to him. Fortunately he didn't. He had chosen Joanne and he was just inviting his death.

Mark tried his best not to turn around and look at what was going on. The guy with muscles would be good enough for the job. So Mark took a sip of his glass and waited for his cue. Taking a quick glance, he could see Joanne was doing her job. The Captor was following her right into a secluded corner. Mark took another sip and then Joanne screamed.

Everyone turned around not knowing what happened but Mark ran and slammed The Captor's back, Joe followed and then the whole place crowded around the the captor like a bunch of hooligans, Slapping him and tearing of an eye before Mark and Joanne made their escape.

Joanne ran from the place still laughing and trying to keep up with Mark. They ran across boulevards and reached Broadwalk Station, just a turn off St. Thomas road, where Mark had been waiting earlier.

Mark led Joanne into the Broadwalk station and took a train to his hometown, where he had stored the gadgets, which would help him in the heist tomorrow. He was still wondering if the two of them were enough for the job, or if had to recruit some people like Joe and then go as a gang of robbers, not just him and Joanne.

After they reached his apartment, a seemingly insignificant one in the midst of the city, Mark went straight for his bag, which was on top of his low-grade chair. He had a printout of the Rockford Bank's images and a info of its security inside, which he retrieved from his bag and started thinking.

The Rockford bank was a large structure, pyramid-like in shape and was made of glass. It opened at 6 in the morning and closed by 9 in the night. People generally flocked in and out during the day, and there was a chance that they could mingle with the crowd. The bank was divided into four fronts, The North, South, East and west and each Front had a different security head, all of them were under a main Security head who usually was seated on the top of thee bank.

The bank had a seemingly uncrackable security, which only made Mark even more determined. It had Laser traps, Electric Panels, Security cameras and a large number of undercover security guards who would look just like normal people visiting the bank. Mark closed his eyes and started thinking of a way to get in, let alone get out after completing the job, and he still was thinking about recruiting Joe.

Lebrenth · Joined: 29 Dec 2005 Posts: 1483 Location: Utah

Groovy! Glad we were able to get out of that mess, but how do we know the same problem won't happen again? The captor found Joanne once and he knows she's involved with Mark, so perhaps he knows about the heist? I'm going to assume that Mark is determined to hit the bank one way or the other, so I suppose we need to make that happen, but it would be a much better idea to abandon the plan if he's already in trouble.

By the way, what's the DP? Are we deciding whether or not to bring in a new guy on the heist? It seems really late to bring someone new on board. If the heist must happen tomorrow, I think we should stick to the plan we have. I assume Mark is confident that the plan, whatever it is, will work. If not, then the whole thing will need to be reworked anyway, and we may as well have the expertise of another person.

Some important questions I would ask:
What are Joanne and Mark skills?
What is the plan?
Is the plan time sensitive?

Honestly, if the only thing we have planned is going in with guns and coming out with money, I think we need a new plan. If we know there are security guards undercover, there's no certainty that we won't get shot or have to shoot someone. The difference between armed robbery and murder is humongous, both morally and legally. There's also a big difference between being alive and being dead, which is another consideration we need to be concerned about. What kind of gadgets does Mark have?

In brief, if the plan is complicated, leave Joe out of it. If it is simple, get Joe to join so we at least have another person with a gun.

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

Well, i was also looking for THE plan in your reply... ;)

But anyway, what i had thought of was shutting down the whole electricity of the place, like pulling out the fuse or cutting some wires. When this happens, all Security camera's and Electric panels won't work. We then get in with one of those Night Vision glasses, get all money we can and scoot. This requires a person outside, to inform the guy inside if the police are coming or if you have some electrician or someone to fix the problem.

You could give your own plan too :D

Lebrenth · Joined: 29 Dec 2005 Posts: 1483 Location: Utah

I don't like the idea of just cutting the power. It sounds too easy. It seems like a high security building would be prepared to investigate a power outage right away, even if they didn't immediately assume a robbery.

There are so many details involved in a situation like this that it seems too difficult to summarize it effectively. Mark must have a reason to believe he can trick or disable the alarms, so he should do it. If he can work fast enough, maybe the power outage will give him enough time to get in and out before anyone realizes that it is a serious situation. So how do we open the vault?

I don't know what any of the characters are capable of, or the details about security or the resources available, so I will suggest something basic:
Steal a van.
Cut the power to disable security.
Break into the building, and shoot (or tranquilize?) any night guards they may have.
Blast the vault open with heavy explosives.
Grab as much cash as possible within 6 minutes (or some short amount of time).
Drive away and get off the streets as quickly as possible.

Assuming that goes well, the money should be put away for a year at least before using it.

Thunderbird · Posted: Fri Sep 17, 2010 5:32 am Post subject:

Design and build a steam powered, remote controlled, robotic warrior capable of smashing its way into the vault and getting away unharmed, leaving devestation in its wake ;)

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

Nice one, Thunderbird, but its not gonna find a way into the poll.... :p!!!!!!!!!!

And Lebrenth, yeah... but i was thinking of getting a really solid plan for the vault. I don't thing blasting the way through is a really good option... What we need is some one strong (Joe, maybe???) and probably use him to hammer the vault ;) or something like that....

Lebrenth · Joined: 29 Dec 2005 Posts: 1483 Location: Utah

Vault doors are very tough, even heavy explosives would have trouble. If it is going to be sneaky theft, the vault is the main concern. I would use explosives to get the job done quickly. Otherwise, we would need considerable knowledge and skill to open it gently, the kind of knowledge and skills that I'm not sure the team has, especially for a high security bank.

I had an electrician friend who worked on a bank and after getting a good look at the vault and other parts of the building, he told me he knew exactly how to get in, if he were criminally minded. After entering the bank discretely, he would break through a certain wall of the vault that was relatively weak. The location of the break had less security so he would have more time to work and could get in and out much easier with a better chance of not being detected. With detailed schematics of the bank in this story, perhaps there is a way to get through a wall instead of the door, and maybe even do it without being seen by cameras... at least until actually in the vault. Thing is, I don't have the actual schematics, so I have no idea where the weaknesses are, if there are any.

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

well, that's great lebrenth, but we can't execute a plan until we know exactly what to do. Thunderbird's robot sounds silly but it will work, if we can build one. But if Mark or Joanne could, they wouldn't have to be criminals. They could sell the robot and earn millions. Plus making a robot is very costly, and we don't have so much money...!

And sorry for the late reply, i had exams (and i did them well!) :D, so i promise to reply earlier next time. You could tell your friends and others on IF, and then maybe we can get a great idea from one of the IF minds!!

Once again, Thanks for your reply, Lebby!!!!

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

POLLS ARE UP FOLKS!!!!

Lebrenth · Joined: 29 Dec 2005 Posts: 1483 Location: Utah

I've never worked at a bank, but I have worked retail and it's my experience that money is never left in cash registers overnight. It's all moved into a safe (or dropped off at a bank). My point is, I really don't think we'll get any money if we rob at night unless we get into the vault. Otherwise it will have to be a daytime operation and probably be a smash and grab.

I voted to recruit and to go after the vault. We need all the help we can get and if we get into the vault, we'll have plenty of money to go around. We also need a good plan for getting away quickly and hiding. I also think a lookout won't do much good. If trouble is close enough to see it, we're probably caught already.

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

I guess its gonna have to be a daylight operation then....

I didn't think a look out could do much good as well, but i had a crazy idea which went something like this.

The lookout has a can of gasoline and matchsticks, and a pair of binoculars. The moment he sees Police on the far end of the road, he/she pours gasoline on the road and sets it on fire and the three make their escape. :cool:

Its kinda lame coz police could come on both sides and if you burn the road on both sides, i can't see a way of gettin out, i don't think anyone can! ;)

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

Looks like we've got a tie!!!!

I still don't feel like voting on my own story, so I'm gonna ask you people to tell me why you think that your option is better than the other! If I still don't reach a conclusion at the end, im gonna use my vote :cool:

Crunchyfrog · Joined: 12 Dec 2006 Posts: 3998

Looks like the tie has been broken! :D

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

Haha!! Thanks, Crunchy!

So, NOW we know which option wins!!!

We get Joe in and then we start the mission. (As a author, the next chapter is gonna be most exciting to write!)

Ive got a very unexpected twist set up here, but unfortunately its gonna take some time to write it. I'm gonna write the chap. with CF's critique on my mind and then see how it comes out!!!!

Thanks again Crunchy!!!!

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

Ch 4 ---> Robbed twice!

St. Thomas road was one of the roads which was of both historical and modern importance. It was built way back in the 1940s during the years of the second world war. At that time, it was home to many correctional facilities, places where suspects where held temporarily, and personnel were punished for minor offenses.

Now, it is home to a stock exchange center, a couple of banks and to the home of Derek Jefferson, PI, famous for his capture of Cillian Micah, a notorious drug dealer.

The Rockford bank was situated in the center of this famed street, surrounded by residential complexes and a shopping mall. It was a bank known for its seemingly uncrackable security system. This security plan had till date protected the bank from robbery, embezzlement or felony. Considering this, the head security officer, Robert Fitch, had always had a relaxed job. He always took it easy, and had successfully kept the bank safe for nearly 6 years now. But today he had woken up and immediately felt different. There was just something in the air which seemed to warn him. Robert, today, was very much alert.

***

'Who's Joe?' Mark asked. Joanne had been telling him that they couldn't do it with just two people. She had a point, actually. The Captor could get to them again anyway. If he was still alive, that is.

'He's the guy you asked me to talk to! Back at King Patrick road' Joanne said.

'You mean Mr. Muscle?'

'Yeah, and he has a name. Its Joe.'

'Look, Joanne, that guy was half drunk. We used him to beat up that jerk who kidnapped you. For all you know, we may not even meet him again. Are you asking me to search this whole city for a guy we just met once?'

'You don't have to. Ive got his number' she said, with a small trace of pink appearing suddenly on her cheek.

'WHAT?!'

Now, she started to blush.

'Okay, so I was flirting with him. I don't see what difference it makes. We still got to get him on our team'

'Because he's strong or because he's cute?'

'Stop it!'

'Answer me Joe-anne!' said Mark in a sing-song voice. This time Joanne slapped him with her handbag.

'Do you want me to help you rob that place or not?'

'Ok, fine, calm down Joanne. Chill. We need him anyway. So you call him and get him to come. I'm gonna make sure that the PI, what's his name?....Derek, yes, Im gonna make sure that Derek is not here this evening'

Saying this Mark walked out of the room and descended down the stairs. Making his way further down, he proceeded to wear his disguise, which was nothing but a grey wig, a fake mustache, a fake beard and a pair of plain glass spectacles. Disguised, he began walking to the PI's office, with a fake case already in his mind.

Joanne had just finished calling Joe, and had felt very happy with how things were going. She was a bit annoyed with Mark's teasing, but she let it could pass. It had taken her all of of her manipulative tricks to get Joe into their team. All she had to do now was to wait for Mark to return, and then meet Joe at the Broadwalk station. Then, they would tell him the plan, test him for however long Mark wants to and then rob the bank. She sighed, It was 10 in the morning and she had a long day ahead of her.

Mark and Joanne had waited for hours before Joe arrived. The briefing and the test went very well, which meant that Joe was recruited. It also meant that they had run out of whatever little money they had, in buying what Mark called a 'Robbery Kit', which was essentially gloves, masks, a side-arm, ammunition, and night-vision goggles. This also meant that the haul would have to be bigger, as they not only spent extra cash, they had also had a extra member to divide the loot into.

***

'Is everybody ready' Mark whispered. The three of them were standing outside the bank. It was 6:00 in the evening,and all of them had come prepared, with a backpack which held all what they needed, the side-arm, gloves, masks and NV goggles. Generally, this was not enough, but that's all they could buy. The three of them entered the bank, each holding on the sling of their bags very tightly. Any outsider could tell that they were very nervous about something.

Mark had now received a nod from Joanne and a thumbs up from Joe.

'Good. When I say now, Joanne, you get the power supply.'

He had said it so softly that even his breath seemed louder. But Joanne did not need that speech. She was already waiting for a "Now" or a triple foot tap on the ground. She would go cut the power supply and rush to the get-away vehicle, a black BMW, and ignite the engine and then run back in to help the men.

She now noticed that Mark was starting to tap the floor with his foot. A triple tap did come but Joanne didn't go outside. She just turned and looked at Mark, making sure that it was his tap. Mark nodded and then proceeded to tap again, slowly this time. One... two... and.... suddenly the bank plunged into darkness.

'EVERYBODY FREEZE!' came a voice from the entrance of the bank. Joe froze. He was damn sure that that was not Mark. It was also not Joanne because the person who yelled was definitely a man.

what the hell is going on???

Joe took off his backpack and groped for the NV goggles. He so badly wanted to be with the others now. He found the NV goggles and put them on. At once, everything around him seemed clear. He could see that the three of them were separated. Mark had moved to the opposite end and he too was wearing the NV. Joanne was more closer to him, about three foot away. She also had her NV on. Now he turned around to look at the other gang of robbers. There were 5 of them, each one was wearing NV, but 3 of them were running straight toward the vault, with some sort of contraption in their hands.

'Any sudden Movement, and we will shoot.' One of them was talking while the other was 'collecting' mobile phones and any other device from which information could be transmitted.

Mark, Joe and Joanne took of their glasses and hid them. They would have to wait until the robbers weren't watching. They gave up their mobiles to the gunman, and then waited.

'I hope none of you are scared of fireworks' someone sneered. It was one of the three men who had gone to the vault. The other two were already here.

There was a loud explosion which rattled the whole bank. It must have left even the robbers stunned, because one them just dropped down, and the others were staggering. The explosion must have blasted open the vault. But it had also set off the alarm in the neighborhood. The 4 robbers were now running as fast as they could towards the vault.

Immediately, Mark, Joe and Joanne regrouped. Joanne was closest to the explosion among the three, but fortunately she didn't seem affected as bad as the robbers.

'Get to the vault!' Joanne said.

'No! we should go close and hide. Ambush the four, take the money and run!' That was Joe. Mark looked at him with a new sort of respect. then slowly the four made their way towards the vault and stopped just outside and crouched. The were hoping the robbers would be in too much of a hurry to look down and notice them.

They could hear the four people swearing like pirates at each other. They were filling a sack full of money. And they could get away.

Mark saw that out of the four, three had just stuffed their pockets with money and were going out. There was no point in stopping them. Apparently, that's what the others thought as well. One man was carrying a sack of money. He had probably ordered the others to take pocketfuls, and taken the sack in greed. He probably didn't know that carrying so much would slow him down . He also didn't know that there were three people waiting to bash him up. Besides, the siren was now audible, which meant that the police were inching closer.

The man was moving quite quickly. He might have got away, if Mark had not caught his leg. The man was too stunned to scream, and he fell face first on the
marble floor, blood oozing from his broken tooth. The next thing he knew was that a really strong man was kicking him and another guy was lifting the sack of money. He also felt his hand being tied with a rope very tightly. He tried to scream but opening his mouth just made it hurt even more.

Mark lifted the sack of money and watched Joe kick the man while Joanne was busy knotting a rope on his hand. The other end of the rope was tied to a pole which was near the side of the wall. As soon as they were done Mark handed the sack to Joe and the three of them proceeded outside.

They were about 4 foot away from the entrance when they could see the police arriving. They could see only four cars, but Mark was sure that there were more. The three of them ducked and moved slowly. The police didn’t seem to notice. The sky was darkening, it was already 6:20 and the police seemed more interested in the entrance of the bank.

The three did make their way to the get-away vehicle when they were spotted. Joanne had taken the keys and gone to the front, while Mark had entered, but before Joe could enter they heard the police screaming.

‘THERE THEY ARE!’

‘GO GET THEM!’

Fortunately, the police had to make their way back to their vehicles before chasing them, but a radio transmission could have them caught anyway.

Joe jumped in the car and slammed the door shut, feeling the car accelerate before he hit the seat. And now the chase was on.

DP- How do they get away???

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

Would a better DP be what happens?! I mean, Does the DP always have to focus on what a character does and not what happens in the story?

This happens to be one of the times when I write myself into a fix. I thought of having The Captor and The Lord suddenly appearing and saving them, so that Mark's doom is in their hands or something.

I am looking for a better idea, so I am literally waiting for replies!!!

Crunchyfrog · Joined: 12 Dec 2006 Posts: 3998

A much improved chapter, Vishal. Well done. We're starting to see the characters as real people through their dialogue, and there is a visual idea of the bank and the surrounding area.

The description seemed to fall away again though after the rival robbers turned up. Again, there was no sense of what it looked like inside the bank, or even where the vault was. Slow it down and make sure you're clear on where everybody is.

In answer to your question - a DP focused on what a character decides to do next is more likely to stimulate discussion than what happens next.

'How do they get away' - well, that's a tough one. He's already jumped into the car, so he is already getting away. Are you asking which way he turns? Or whether he'll try to out wit the police or hope he can out run them? We don't know what their get-away vehicle is like, so we don't know whether it would be a good idea to switch later on or not.

Hope this helps! :D