City of IF

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

Just a little bit more time left!

Lebrenth · Joined: 29 Dec 2005 Posts: 1490 Location: Utah

Wow, we really need to get out of the city. If we know anyone who will help us hide out we need to get them immediately, otherwise, we just need to leave, the farther the better. Right now we're a sensational news story, so we're going to be extremely recognizable to the public. At this point, Joe is a lost cause. Joanne should go tell him goodbye, and assure him that his cut of the money will be waiting for him when he meets up with them again. Hopefully that encourages him to not cut a deal with the police for less jail time.

Meanwhile, Mark needs to disguise himself as best he can in the hospital. I recommend wrapping his head up like a severe burn victim, getting a walker, and having Joanne, in her nurse uniform, escorting him as though he's getting theraputic exercise. That should at least last until they get out of the area of the hospital. Of course, this presumes they can get away from the mob long enough to set it up. I imagine the hospital staff and security will try to keep order, so hopefully that will be enough. Heck, they might even act as a diversion for security that would otherwise be suspicious of Mark.

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

Good one there, lebby! But I need to clarify somethings here.

Quote: Of course, this presumes they can get away from the mob long enough to set it up.

Set what up?

Quote: Heck, they might even act as a diversion for security that would otherwise be suspicious of Mark.

Who might? :-o

Lebrenth · Joined: 29 Dec 2005 Posts: 1490 Location: Utah

Quote: Set what up? Getting into disguise.
Quote: Who might? The mob

In order to get into disguise, we need to get away from the mob and hospital staff. If we're lucky the mob and the staff will cancel each other out, as the staff will be busy trying to keep order instead of looking for a suspicious individual and the mob will have to break through before they can get to Mark.

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

Okay.. Thanks! Will be added to poll! :D

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

Poll will be up tonight! (Indian Time... figured I had to say that...)... So you have about 9 hours left!!

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

Polls are up! Also, I just realized that this story was stickied. *woot*

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

Okay.... Anymore votes? :)

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

And The winning option is....

Mark disguises himself and pretends to be a patient, while Joanne leads him to some room. Assure Joe of his share of money so that he won't talk.

Polls closed! Thanks for the votes!!!!

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

An unexpected development... Or rather I noticed it only now.

Mark was already in disguise when he met the captor. The video footage shows a disguised Mark. Mark's first choice would be to get somewhere and throw away his disguises instead of getting a new one.

I am a bit confused, because If I write this, I would be going against the poll result.
Just wanted to make sure if everyone was okay with this

Thunderbird · Posted: Tue Apr 19, 2011 7:09 am Post subject:

How about simply changing his disguise to something entirely different from the one he's got on? That seems more rational than wandering around as he is, given the legal issues afoot. And it still makes sense as he's looking to change his appearance from the one that has upset the masses.

Lebrenth · Joined: 29 Dec 2005 Posts: 1490 Location: Utah

Yes, you only have to add two letters to the poll option and it's fine:

Mark redisguises himself and pretends to be a patient, while Joanne leads him to some room. Assure Joe of his share of money so that he won't talk.

And it really is the same thing. Whether he was in disguise before or not, he should change disguises because it isn't just about hiding his identity, it's also about not being easily recognized, and his old disguise may be publicly televised soon.

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

Okay... Thanks!

Im going to go ahead with the chapter now!

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

As much as I hate to say this, I really don't know if I can go on with writing an SG. Things in RL have gotten rough (I know you hear this a lot, but it happens) and I just am not able to find time to write. Its been like 3 weeks since I started writing the coming chapter and I've managed only 500 words or so.

I've decided to spend extra time on RL and get stuff sorted out before continuing to write. It could take a week, or even months, im not sure.

But what I will do... is I'll check back and read stuff. I'm sure I can make time for that and I don't want to be a part of slowing down stuff on IF. I really feel terrible about stopping this SG temporarily, but I hope you understand. I could sit back and write all I want, but it'd rub really important people the wrong way, and might send me spiralling down to some depression.

I know I'll come back to this story one day, I just don't know how soon it'll be. Keep watching this thread, and thank you so much for helping me on my journey as a writer.

PopeAlessandrosXVIII · Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2011 7:21 am Post subject: Good luck

Good luck Vishal-kun. I hope your RL gets better soon. I know RL can be a RP if you know what I mean. I'm glad you'll still be checking in, it'll help keep readership up. I like this SG and I can't wait for the day you'll be able to come back and get banging on it again! May all your vetures lead you furthur towards the gates of contentment and joy!

Pope

Thunderbird · Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2011 7:40 am Post subject:

Write for your enjoyment, Vishal. If it impedes your joy, don't do it (unless it's likely to pay off a LOT in the long run!)

I've had to limit myself on my own writing for many of the same reasons, though most likely differing circumstances.

That said, I'd like to say, I've seen you grow as a writer in leaps and bounds here. I know how hard it can be to get back 'in the swing of things'. So don't let it go too long if you can avoid it.

And... I will be looking forward to seeing this continue whenever you can! It was really just getting good!

Crunchyfrog · Joined: 12 Dec 2006 Posts: 3998

Take your time, Vishal, and do what you need to do in RL - that comes first. It happens to us all. Don't feel you have to put pressure on yourself to write, or keep your SG regular. When there is pressure the words don't flow so well.

Your writing has improved at an amazing pace, and it has been a pleasure to read and to critique. Whatever it is you need to do, concentrate on that, and write whenever inspiration strikes.

I hope everything gets better for you soon, and of course we'll always be here even if you only have the time to say 'hi'.

*positive vibes*
:)

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

Thanks all!

Its nice to see understanding people atleast on the net. I'll make sure I return as soon as I can. This place has done so much for me as a writer, and its just lame if I don't complete a SG over here.

That said, I'd have time to say 'hi'. I can read and comment as well. Its just the time I put into my writing. :P

warriorofdoom · Joined: 28 Oct 2010 Posts: 59 Location: Australia

Well, good luck Vishal. I wanted to see how this goes.

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

This Story is officialy OFF hiatus. Writing will begin shortly.. ;)

Thunderbird · Posted: Fri May 06, 2011 9:43 pm Post subject:

:D
Glad to hear it!

Vikas Muralidharan · Joined: 29 Aug 2010 Posts: 600

Well.. Off hiatus... *frowns*

You're back now Vish. Nice time to continue... with the option I gave you in RL as well... but that doesnt go with the winning poll option. Do what you can. I'm pretty sure we're ALL waiting for the next on this one :)

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

Warning: From this chapter onwards, every chapter is going to have a bit of swearing, since we’re talking about rough criminals. Help yourself.

Warning 2: If you don’t give me a crit, then I’ll... I’ll… Oh, just do me one.

Chapter 9

Mark didn’t know what to do. His initial reaction was digging his face into the crook of his elbow, pretending to wipe sweat off his forehead. Fuck, I’m sweating everywhere. Just giving himself enough room to look around, Mark continued to casually cover his face and wander around. The hospital mob hadn’t done anything crazy as of yet, which was a good thing. They probably were still in doubt. This would give Mark the time he needed to execute his plan.

After managing to shove past people, Mark managed to enter a room labeled “Stock- Staff Only.” Just the place I was looking for. Perfect. Getting in without arising much suspicion, Mark closed the door behind him and proceeded to look around.

This was like a storeroom for hospitals. The room was your average sized room, with bright CFL lamps lining the roof, making sure the room looked a bright white, except it was filled with shelves of medicines. There were five columns, each with identical white bottles and cans. The smell of medicines lingered in the air, and it was strong enough to make you puke. Which jobless idiot would spend their lives arranging stacks of medicine?! Mark held his nose as he walked right through the aisle. He was looking specifically for bandages. He needed to wrap his head up in something, so that he could walk out unrecognizable. It took him barely half a minute to get to the end of the aisle, where he found stacks of cardboard boxes labeled with unpronounceable names. The box labeled “Bandages” was sitting right on top of them.

How the fuck did they put it so high?! Even with his 6’4 frame, he couldn’t get half as high. Cursing to himself, he tested the cardboard boxes on the ground. They were his only ticket to the bandages. Luckily, the boxes were able to take his weight. Climbing up, he managed to get a grip on the cardboard, but his leg gave way, and he came tumbling down the boxes, crashing onto the floor, with broken bottles of liquid, and a cut on top of his head.

“Who’s there?!”

Fuck, I thought I locked the door!

Grabbing a roll of bandages, Mark tried to run, but his sprained leg wouldn’t listen and brought him to the floor.

“Mark, It’s me.”

Joanne?!

Sure enough, Joanne came through the aisle, and then proceeded to help Mark to his feet. She’d obviously noticed the cut and the sprain, but she chose not to ask.

“I got some bandages. I can get a disguise, y’know pretend to be a patient.” Mark was about to ask about Joanne, but then he noticed her outfit. Joanne was clad in a nurse’s outfit. She’d even got her own badge and a funky looking hat, if you can call it that.

“Christinne Charlette” he said reading the badge. He stared at the badge a few extra seconds, just to make sure he was reading right. “Wow, that’s awkwardly spelt.”

“Stop staring at my breasts, Mark” Joanne said, watching him turn pink. He was about to retort, but Joanne wouldn’t let him.

“I got you a wheelchair. I’m going to wheel you straight out of here” she said. Nice!

“Wait a minute. What about Joe?!”

“What about him?!” Joanne said, while helping the wounded Mark onto the wheelchair.

“What do you mean what about him?! We’ve got to get him out as well, don’t we?!” said Mark, almost panicking. What the hell is wrong with her?!

“No we don’t. I already talked to him, Mark. He’s not coming with us… For now.” Joanne said, wrapping bandages around Mark’s bleeding head and his sprained ankle. “Anyway, I’ve assured him a cut in the loot, so that he won’t talk. I don’t think he will, either way. He doesn’t seem that type”

Well, we barely know each other. When did she get to read him?!

“Anyway, I’ve also got you this” Joanne said, and before Mark could even turn around, he felt a sharp prick, and everything went black.

____________________________________

He was on top of a hill. Just him and Victor. Finally, he was going to get what he wanted all these years. The key. The key, to Victor’s boss. The one he called “The Lord.” Apparently, Victor always had a device that would connect him directly to his boss, and that was what had gotten him into trouble.

“Mark… Don’t do this. You know it doesn’t have to end this way.”

“This isn’t THE end, bitch. This is your end. Give me what I want, or I’ll take it from you. Either way, I’m taking your head along as well. It’s got a price tag now, you know?!”

“Mark… Just think for a second…”

“Get up, Mark!”

Mark started, and then sat up straight. It was Joanne’s voice that had woken him up.

“Where are we?!” he said, caressing the back of his neck. He had this sour, heavy feeling in his head, and things just refused to clear out. He wasn’t able to think straight.

“That’s easy. This would be my Aunt’s place. Wonderful, ain’t it?!” Joanne said. She was dressed in a blue sleeveless top, which accentuated her eyes perfectly. It also made a nice combination with her skin, and flowed neatly over her tight khaki shorts. The shorts were indeed quite short, and didn’t get anywhere near half her thigh.

Hard to believe those legs support a 140 IQ Mark thought, smirking to himself. That was the only thought that would fully formulate in his head for now, but was soon replaced by the heaviness.

“Well… What exactly happened?!”

“Ahh.. I put you to sleep and I wheeled you right out. No questions asked, the security even gave me salute” she said giggling. “Well, now that your awake, you had a plan?!”

“I can’t even think, Joanne. All I want for now is some food. Think up of something, will you?!I can’t think straight, and I don’t even know what’s going on.”

DP What do we do next?! The situation still hasn’t been solved, remember. I would make this Meta, if you guys promise to keep this a bit sane ;)

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

Wow, This whole section ain't getting any readers off late. *BUMP*

Crunchyfrog · Joined: 12 Dec 2006 Posts: 3998

It's been a while, but great to see a new chapter on this SG. I'm afraid I've forgotten some of the details of what happened in the previous chapters, but I do remember that Joe got shot and that he's the guy they hired as the third member of the team. He's the biggest risk.

I also seem to remember that Joanne had some weird unconcious turn in an earlier chapter, and I'm wondering whether the strange dream that Mark had here has anything to do with that.

By way of critique, all I would suggest to keep in mind is a little more show versus tell.

For example: Quote: This was like a storeroom for hospitals. The room was your average sized room, with bright CFL lamps lining the roof, making sure the room looked a bright white, except it was filled with shelves of medicines. There were five columns, each with identical white bottles and cans. - try and incorporate some of these details in the action, rather than stopping the action to describe a room.

I like the dialogue and humour here, and the best part of the chapter IMO was when everything suddenly went black. Didn't see that coming - and it had me wondering what Joanne was up to for a moment. Okay, so she was only knocking him out as a part of the escape plan but it had me going as a reader for a little while.

And that's a good sign in writing - making your reader react.

As for the DP... Hmm. I'm a bit clueless at the moment. We have the captor after him, he's now got his face on the news, he's got to go into hiding, I think. But this Joe guy could be a problem...

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

I kinda figured that would happen. but its really nice to get something out too. Yeah, you're right about what you'd said, and you're also right about the relation between Joanne's unconcious turn and Mark's dream here. ;)

Ahh... Show versus Tell, I remember that being pointed out to me earlier as well. Frankly, I am not too happy with the way this chapter came out. Like TBird earlier said, it is really hard to get back into the swing of things. Thanks for your wonderful comments anyway Crunchy! I'll keep that tip in mind!