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Mist in a Cave - chapter 5 is on the way!
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kkdestiny



Joined: 05 Oct 2010
Posts: 674
Location: The Library of Interfable History

Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2010 1:34 pm    Post subject: Mist in a Cave - chapter 5 is on the way!  

Chapter 1 - Camping

"And they say that he buried them all himself and he stayed there with them until he died too. The treasure that they ran away with is hidden somewhere in the graveyard with them. Now since this story has been told through many generations, alot of people have tried to find it, but were never heard from again. That's why they have it blocked off, and that's the story of Toburna's Cavern."

One less bloodline to continue on, I thought. On the other hand, my friends' first response is to clap. Since it was the polite thing to do, I joined in. It was a pretty good reciting of the local lore, after all. The rest of the night was full of other ghost stories and the roasting of marshmellows over the open fire. To end it all, we sang a few group favorites. Over all, it was your average night at camp. Still, I somehow never get tired of it. "Alright! It's almost 1 o'clock. Time for bed" announced Henry, the only 18 year old in the group. He was suddenly answered by a uniform "aaawe!" from the rest of the girls. "Hey, unless you guys don't want your hot breakfast in the morning..."

"Oh, no! I want my hot breakfast," chimed in Denna. She leaned closer to him. "Scrambled eggs. You know the way I like them."

I smiled. Typical Denna; turning a group teasing session into a chance to flirt with her boyfriend. But that was ok, because they made such a nice couple. Denna was your typical teenager, if you came from the 80's. She wore her brown hair in a well trimmed, but feathered, bob and her wardrobe was of the pink and black color scheme. I swear, I once saw a Pink Ladies jacket one time going through her closet.

And just like your typical 80's wild child, she enjoyed having fun; so much so that her grades were often lacking. That's where Henry came in. He looked like a bad boy, his darker brown hair gelled up and all, but he was really a top notch nerd hell bent on studying his day away. Ever since they met, though, they seemed to have balanced each other out real well. Henry made sure that Denna kept her grades up, and she made sure that He had his fair share of fun. Not to mention that they both had old sounding names.

Still smiling, I shook my head as they continued their flirting. That was enough lovey dovey stuff for me. I went over and tapped Paige on the elbow. "I've got to go to the bathroom." She nodded and handed me the flashlight. "I'll head back with the others. I'm going straight to bed too, so don't expect to get any before bed chat out of me this time, ok?" I clicked on the flashlight and stuck it under my chin, "As you wish, my dear." This earned me a fake "Eeep!" and a small laugh. With that I made my way to the bathroom. I kept the flashlight's light on the grass. It looked interesting, and made sure every step I took was safe.

I could still hear faint laughter and chatting while I was in the bathroom, But I also noted that it was either dissipating or moving, or both. Once I was done, I started my way over to the girls' tent. On the way there I heard the snap of a small twig. Out of instinct I turned and shined my light on it. I watched as a skunk made it's way out of the bush. Since this was the first skunk I've ever seen in real life, I was, what's the word? Oh yea! Fascinated. I was fascinated by a skunk. Now that sounds dumb, but whatever! I watched the skunk as it lumbered across the beaten path, and I did not move until it was on the other side. Once I couldn't see it anymore I continued on.

As I ducked inside the tent, I saw Paige already in her sleeping bag. Then I noticed everyone else was too. Wow, I never thought they would be this tired. Normally we'd be up for hours after the campfire had been put out. Thinking about being tired made me even more tired. I yawned and slipped into my sleeping bag, which was of course, set up next to Paige's. "Night Sis." I said as I snuggled into my bag, trying to get as deep into it as possible. I heard her mumbling a goodnight before I closed my eyes and fell asleep.

"Kassy, Kassy! Wake up." I yawned as I was shook awake by my sister. "What?" I asked as I sat up, and began to rub the sleep from my eyes. "The Blacks are scaring me again." I groaned as I looked over at the two known as 'The Blacks'. Angela and Luna Blacke. They had creepy names and were the most mischievious set of twins one could ever imagine meeting. I blamed their parents for that. Who goes and names their kids Angela and Luna Blacke? It translated in my mind as Black Angel and Black Moon. That's just asking for trouble, especially from twins; and I should know! Me and my sis, Paige; we're twins too. We're just not identical twins like The Blacks. While they both wore their black hair long and in low curly ponytails over their left shoulder, dress in similar gothic style clothing, and can only be told apart by the hair clips they put in their hair; my sister and I are two totally different people.

Paige was mostly the artsy type. She enjoyed art, any kind of art. Her room was full of more types of media than mine was of stuffed animals. And while she did sometimes dress up like you'd expect an artist to, you can bet there's a tank top underneath. She loved tank tops. She had multiple tanktops of every color in her closet; she made sure of it. And while I wore my hair down with the exception of the braid on my left side, she wore her hair in a plain ponytail. We both have brown hair by the way. the rest of her outfit was khakis and sandals.

My wardrobe on the other hand, had as much variety in it as there were flower prints. That's right. I made all the shirts I own be flower themed. In fact that day I was going to wear my white t-shirt with flower print sleeves and a flower pendent. God, Paige was going to have fun teasing me and calling me a hippy; I just knew it.

But, back to The Blacks scaring my sister. "What are they doing now?"

"Well, they're laughing and giggling for no reason."

"Oh, we have a reason," spoke up Luna, who wears the crescent moon hair clip. "A really good reason." chimes in Angela, who wears the star of David hair clip. "What? To creep us out?" "No." they answer in unison. "We thought of an adventure" speaks Luna, "and a gamble." finishes Angela.

Now I was getting curious. "An adventure?"

"A gamble?" asked Paige, sounding skeptical. Oh yea, the gamble part.

"Hey!" We all turned to see Denna's silhouette outside the tent. "If you guys want breakfast, I suggest getting ready soon."
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Thunderbird



Joined: 13 Sep 2009
Posts: 2139
Location: Rising from the ashes

Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2010 2:14 pm    Post subject:  

You write quite well actually. I'm interested to continue and I don't think I see much of a decision point yet but that's ok for an intro.

Points to consider:

* Label your chapters at the beginning. That helps us to keep our place as well as adds some framing that prepares us to read the text below.

* Make sure to edit carefully. There were few typos but they were noticable. Grammar was great though.

* Try to express details along with action. This keeps the pace moving in the story and keeps us from getting bogged down in details we'll probably forget if they don't come along with cause to recall them built into the way they are presented. For example, when describing Denna, you broke from the activity in the paragraph to create an aside to explain her clothing when you could have had her adjust or prymp the clothing instead, explaining what she wears in the context of an activity. A more advanced note perhaps, but you seem to be writing up to the point of skill to begin considering this.

* Break up the paragraphs a little more. I know you kept them broken up nicely but in the context of internet writing, one or two sentances is often enough. There were only a few I could think may have benefited from breaking but its always worthy of note.

So, yeah, it was a good read and I can't say much more to critique so I'll be looking for more of this! ;)
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Lebrenth



Joined: 29 Dec 2005
Posts: 1479
Location: Utah

Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2010 2:20 pm    Post subject:  

I like it! Well written and few errors is always a welcome sight. I like the foreshadowing too. The "evil" twins talking in unison is a little tongue in cheek, but I'll cut you some slack. Your vignettes paint a great picture of each of the characters (though I agree with Thunderbird about not breaking up the action). I look forward to your next chapter!

... By the way, you really should add a little more to the story or write another chapter. This first chapter does a great job of introducing the characters and the scenario, but now we need a decision point. Depending on what kind of storygame you're interested in, you could either have readers vote for what should happen next or they can vote for what they think the main character should do. If you intend to write this a normal story it needs to be moved to the non-linear section. Otherwise you need to brace yourself and get ready for reader suggestions! It helps a lot if you make it clear what the Decision Point (or DP) is by writing a question at the end of the chapter.

For instance:

DP: Should Kassy listen to the Blacks' proposal?

To get a better response, you can make the DP more complicated so there is debate and a close competition in the poll. It's different from normal writing, but it can make your stories more interesting when you add the challenge of getting the readers more directly involved.
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kkdestiny



Joined: 05 Oct 2010
Posts: 674
Location: The Library of Interfable History

Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2010 2:39 pm    Post subject:  

(went through with online spellcheck site and dictionary.com)


yay you guys like it ^^

but you have no idea how many times I had to edit it to give it more of the character's voice than my own. -.-

The first time I wrote it I was like "ok, this is supposed to sound like a normal, but slightly girly, high school girl.....crap, it sounds like me talking."

and yea, I got the idea about the chunk of description..sorry about that ^^;

but for my sanity on this one, could I just ask "Should Kassy listen to the Black's proposal?"

and any other issues that come up with the question.
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Thunderbird



Joined: 13 Sep 2009
Posts: 2139
Location: Rising from the ashes

Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2010 5:58 pm    Post subject:  

No need to apologize for anything. The critique is just put forth as something to consider, that's all. Actually, I wouldn't have mentioned anything along those lines if I didn't think your writing showed a particular level of quality that warranted the mention of some finer detail critiques. In other words, it's quite good as is.

As for the DP... its hard to make a yes/no determination on this without having more information. So that would be my suggestion, probe for more details before committing yourself to anything foolish, but show interest. Always up for adventure and gambles so long as the risk seems worth it.
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII



Joined: 10 Oct 2010
Posts: 1858
Location: Surrounded by many beautiful naked men

Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2010 8:27 pm    Post subject: Hiya  

Sounds interesting. It could use a little more intensity fer me. I like the part about the skunk, I was the same way with mu first RL porcupine. As for the characters, *Dies* you KNOW I love the whole twin thing :lol: I look forward to the continuation :P
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Vishal Muralidharan



Joined: 24 Aug 2010
Posts: 864
Location: City Of IF!

Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2010 12:12 am    Post subject:  

Hey!!!

Nice writing!

I guess everyone has already said what i wanted to say, but 1 question...

Do you have a twin?!

I have a twin and he's on the city, and i just don't find this exactly how twins would be. Its really hard to explain, i'll probably do it later when i have the time!!
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kkdestiny



Joined: 05 Oct 2010
Posts: 674
Location: The Library of Interfable History

Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2010 11:58 am    Post subject:  

Nope..I don't have a twin, nor have I ever had it explained to me( so I look forward to it.)

You may have noticed, and I'm not sure how you feel about it, but twins are portayed in a general but almost really specific way.

I could have left the twin thing out and worked something else into it..but really they just sort of...popped up... -_-;

But since they appeared, and I have a very limited knowledge of twins and twin stuff, I may have created and added onto the already existing but perhaps unrealistic image of a pair of twins....then again, I'm not sure which set of twins your referring to.
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crazybookgal



Joined: 08 Oct 2010
Posts: 196

Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2010 2:40 pm    Post subject:  

mmm evil twins-spooky and pleasing. Can't wait for another chapter(and a DP!)
i hope this isnt going to turn into another vampire thing though. theres a lot of those in the teen section lately. i like stephanie meijer's original books but its annoying how everyone is trying to copy her.
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kkdestiny



Joined: 05 Oct 2010
Posts: 674
Location: The Library of Interfable History

Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2010 3:07 pm    Post subject:  

Nope, no vampires planned. Just really creepy gothic twins that like to mess with people.


Don't even know who Stephanie meijer is anyways.
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crazybookgal



Joined: 08 Oct 2010
Posts: 196

Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2010 4:04 pm    Post subject:  

awesomeness!!! i should show my friend this...
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kkdestiny



Joined: 05 Oct 2010
Posts: 674
Location: The Library of Interfable History

Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2010 8:58 pm    Post subject:  

uh wow ... thanks ^^;
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Vishal Muralidharan



Joined: 24 Aug 2010
Posts: 864
Location: City Of IF!

Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2010 1:43 am    Post subject:  

kkdestiny wrote: Nope..I don't have a twin, nor have I ever had it explained to me( so I look forward to it.)

You may have noticed, and I'm not sure how you feel about it, but twins are portayed in a general but almost really specific way.

But since they appeared, and I have a very limited knowledge of twins and twin stuff, I may have created and added onto the already existing but perhaps unrealistic image of a pair of twins....then again, I'm not sure which set of twins your referring to.

uh, Okay!

I was referring to both the set of twins. To me, when I read through this, I get a feeling that something's not right with the way they are portrayed.

The only obvious thing that strikes my mind is that they sleep in the same tent and have no problems. :P

My point is, twins are together for almost their entire life till they get married, and teenage twins would jump at opportunity to get away from each other. This doesn't mean that they hate each other, but....... like I said.... COMPLICATED!!!!!

This seems quite close to me, because I have a twin, and I'm a teen (I'm 15)....

I'll give you the rest later, but for now...

LOVE YOUR WRITING! :cool:
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Vishal Muralidharan



Joined: 24 Aug 2010
Posts: 864
Location: City Of IF!

Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2010 1:56 am    Post subject:  

And Something which The Mayor just made me realize,

Twins will not be generally named Kassy and Paige, The names would be quite similar
something like.... Vishal and Vikas(that's us, btw!)....

Its not a big error, but something i wanted to point out!
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Crunchyfrog



Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Posts: 3998

Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2010 11:54 am    Post subject:  

Glad I caught up with this while it is still in the suggestion phase. This was well written, and flowed well.

I think the obvious suggestion is to hear what the Black twins have to say.
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Masterweaver



Joined: 21 Nov 2006
Posts: 1463
Location: Look around

Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2010 2:11 pm    Post subject:  

Actually, I'm going to be evil and have our twin (whose name I didn't get) actually outright refuse. i mean, this is an obvious "fantasy" hook; wouldn't it be interesting if nobody took it and the "fantasy" butted in anyway?

Grammar grammar grammar. You've got lowercase sentences near the end, and that kind of tore me out of the experience. But the plot's nice. And the Darkes are very clearly not entirely there...

Teeheehee!
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII



Joined: 10 Oct 2010
Posts: 1858
Location: Surrounded by many beautiful naked men

Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2010 3:30 pm    Post subject:  

[quote]My point is, twins are together for almost their entire life till they get married, and teenage twins would jump at opportunity to get away from each other. This doesn't mean that they hate each other, but....... like I said.... COMPLICATED!!!!![/quote]


I have a twin, and I must say I disagree. She and I have stayed close our whole lives til now. I can think of only one fight that sent us in opposite directions. Silly as it sounds, through all the moveing, and custody issues, besides forced separation due to parental re-location, we've never been apart for long.

We share a futon still, save on weekeds when my BF comes home, and then she gets the couch. kk's most likely looking at my sister and I when making her assumptions about twins.

I just wanted to point out, not all twins are the same. Oh, and my sister says
"GO TWINS!"
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Vishal Muralidharan



Joined: 24 Aug 2010
Posts: 864
Location: City Of IF!

Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2010 7:25 pm    Post subject:  

Exactly my point! We hardly fight, but sometimes, we just need to be alone! Well probably the female twins are like that, idk, but whenever we camp out or something.... we usually try to leave each other and stay alone for sometime!

We usually look for sometime where we can be alone, so we will probably not stick together all the time.

But then again, it could just be the way we are, bcoz all my twin friends want a little more privacy....

Oh, and telll your sister this!

"GO TWINS!"

**HI5**
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Shillelagh



Joined: 11 Mar 2010
Posts: 398
Location: Kansas

Posted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 12:45 am    Post subject:  

I'm with Weaver. If I hate those twins... I probably don't care about any adventure they propose to me. It's probaly dumb and gothy, just like they are. In fact... I might just tell Donna what they're up to. I mean, if the Blacks go on into the cave by themselves, the counselors would probably have to go in after them. And can they leave us alone like that?

Just because the character should do something for the sake of the story doesn't mean that it would make sense for the character to do so. I tend to fall astray of the 'motivation' trap all the time.

But, y'know, again- it's a great start. A little weird when you stop the narrative to throw in details (Paige's description was a bit odd) ... but still a rather nice start. I'm interested to see where you'll go with this. The cave could hold any number of surprises.
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Vikas Muralidharan



Joined: 29 Aug 2010
Posts: 600

Posted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 2:39 am    Post subject:  

Glad Im not extremely late on this one... and btw... just for the record... Im Vishal's Twin... :P
And Evil twins.... good idea but then again....something not right with the way they are portrayed. Scheming together is on the dot and most twins do that (including us) but something definitely not right.

And btw, Pope, HI5 to you and your sister.... TWINS RULE ;) and I think what Vishal meant was that we love each other but sometimes we just are out of each other's company. But only for a few hours max!

As for the Dp...... Listen to the Blacks. The story seems interesting, and lets keep it Rolling......
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kkdestiny



Joined: 05 Oct 2010
Posts: 674
Location: The Library of Interfable History

Posted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 5:13 am    Post subject:  

3 to listen.

thanks for the insight twins :)

have until friday, that's when i'll have the time to write a new chapter :P
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crazybookgal



Joined: 08 Oct 2010
Posts: 196

Posted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 2:20 pm    Post subject:  

ok i cant take it anymore!!! wats with this?!?!

Note to self: Sword and Sense; FairHeart; The Three Colors of Me; My Life as a Hermit; Perfect Cancer; The Elven Moon
?!?!?!? :shock:
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kkdestiny



Joined: 05 Oct 2010
Posts: 674
Location: The Library of Interfable History

Posted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 9:33 pm    Post subject:  

XD they're titles I made up that I have to create a first chapter for at a later date. :P

- now don't tell anyone >>

Edit: I know I said you guys have until friday, but I forgot about the poll thing XP so I'm setting that up nnow. It ends in 3 days. I'll have all week to brainstorm the next chapter accordingly before sitting down to write it.
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Crunchyfrog



Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Posts: 3998

Posted: Fri Oct 15, 2010 4:29 am    Post subject:  

And voted!


As Meanie might say, the poll result graphic is looking rather like a rude sign at the moment... :lol:
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Smee



Joined: 16 Oct 2004
Posts: 5215
Location: UK

Posted: Fri Oct 15, 2010 5:05 am    Post subject:  

Crunchy - I'm shocked at you *giggles*
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kkdestiny



Joined: 05 Oct 2010
Posts: 674
Location: The Library of Interfable History

Posted: Fri Oct 15, 2010 11:14 am    Post subject:  

wow. o.o indeed it does.
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Tikanni Corazon



Joined: 25 Oct 2009
Posts: 1286
Location: Running through the plains of my mind, my wolf spirit at my side (but doing so in the UK!).

Posted: Fri Oct 15, 2010 12:40 pm    Post subject:  

This is a good start kk! A couple grammar errors (mainly the lack of a capital letter, at the beginning of the dialogue, in the second and third from last sentences), but overall the writing flowed well, and I enjoyed it. Well done! :)

Sorry I wasn't in time to give any suggestions, as to the dp, though I doubt I would have though of anything besides what the others have already suggested anyway. ;)
But I've voted, and I look forward to the next chapter!
:)
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kkdestiny



Joined: 05 Oct 2010
Posts: 674
Location: The Library of Interfable History

Posted: Fri Oct 15, 2010 3:27 pm    Post subject:  

ok, did some editting.

Thank you for your comment Tikanni. I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)
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kkdestiny



Joined: 05 Oct 2010
Posts: 674
Location: The Library of Interfable History

Posted: Sun Oct 17, 2010 6:45 pm    Post subject:  

I generally don't like double-posting but...

Yes! Adventure= 30%
Give them a chance to explain= 50%
No, sounds risky= 0%
Refuse to listen to them; tell Denna and Henry= 20%
__________________________________________________________________

I just have to say thank you to all who took the time to read and appreciate chapter 1. It was fun reading your guy's thoughts on what could happen next. It was also surpising that I got 4 options out of my dp.

Right now it looks like Kassy is going to be giving the creepy twins a chance to explain their ideas.
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Smee



Joined: 16 Oct 2004
Posts: 5215
Location: UK

Posted: Mon Oct 18, 2010 12:54 am    Post subject:  

10 votes... very nice indeed. It has been a while since I saw such.

:D
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Vishal Muralidharan



Joined: 24 Aug 2010
Posts: 864
Location: City Of IF!

Posted: Tue Oct 19, 2010 7:56 am    Post subject:  

Quote: 10 votes... very nice indeed. It has been a while since I saw such.

10 votes... ive NEVER seen that before!!! :D

well, i think we have enough votes to decide what happens in chap 2!! I'm waiting for the next chap!
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kkdestiny



Joined: 05 Oct 2010
Posts: 674
Location: The Library of Interfable History

Posted: Tue Oct 19, 2010 11:11 am    Post subject:  

XD and you'll get it. Just keep in mind that I have college and I did alot the week just to brainstorming the chapter. mk? :)
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PopeAlessandrosXVIII



Joined: 10 Oct 2010
Posts: 1858
Location: Surrounded by many beautiful naked men

Posted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 1:33 pm    Post subject: Adventure  

Awwwww....Nobody has the "Let's do it!" Spirit any more.......She should run pel mel wherever adventure lurks!
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Vishal Muralidharan



Joined: 24 Aug 2010
Posts: 864
Location: City Of IF!

Posted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 10:55 pm    Post subject:  

its getting quite a long wait, but I guess the chap would be worth it!
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kkdestiny



Joined: 05 Oct 2010
Posts: 674
Location: The Library of Interfable History

Posted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 11:09 pm    Post subject:  

XD a week of poll and a week of brainstorming
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kkdestiny



Joined: 05 Oct 2010
Posts: 674
Location: The Library of Interfable History

Posted: Sun Oct 24, 2010 2:32 pm    Post subject:  

Chapter 2 - Listening

"K, we'll be out soon."

We all watched as her silouhette disappeared. "Well, you can listen if you want, Kassy, But I don't want anything to do with anything that means gambling with 'The Blacks'."

She looked at me one final time before grabbing her jacket and crawling out of the tent. As she zipped the door back up, I looked back at 'The Blacks', who were looking at me expectedly. I felt kind of like a fly in a spider's web...but I wondered what exactly it was that they thought up for as an adventure, and it would be rude to not listen to their ideas. "Um, how about we talk about it - after breakfast?"

A part of me shrunk when I saw them grin at each other.

Once I got to the part of camp that we were having breakfast in, I looked around and noted who was helping with what. Denna was making pancakes, Paige was making eggs, and Henry was putting beans in a dutch oven for dinner. I smiled; he was wearing an apron. I looked around again, what could I help with? Suddenly I noticed the jar of instant coffee over by the cups. I could boil water for that. "Does anyone here actually drink coffee?"

"That would be me," answered Henry.

"And me" added Denna, looking up from her pancakes.

"Ok, well, I'll just boil some water for you guys, ok?"

"Alright, thanks." said Henry, who smiled at me before going to add some water to the beans. I wondered about what's for dinner as I went to grab a small pot. "Mind if I have some too?"

"Sure go ahead."

I smiled. Henry was nice. If I ever had a boyfriend; I'd want him to be nice like Henry. But I wouldn't want it to be Henry. I'd have an angry Denna after me, besides , I don't like him like that.

I went over to fill the pot with water, and on my way back to the little mini stove we had, I noticed 'The Blacks' setting up the eating area. I again wondered what it was they planned for an adventure. I lit the fire and set the water on. What would they plan anyways? I imagined a trek through the woods at night, or following bats to find which tree they're hanging in, or something dark and creepy like that. But then, what would the gamble be?

"A watched pot never boils" chimed Paige, effectively breaking me from my thoughts. I smiled a little at her, more out of embarressment than anything. "What else can I do?" I asked.

"How about buttering the toast?"

I look over at the table and see plates with pancakes and eggs on them. 'The Blacks' were there pouring milk for everybody. I looked for the plate with the toast on it. I found it over by where Denna was making pancakes. "Ok."

So I went over to the toast and started to butter it. Once I glanced over at Paige; only to find her watching the same pot I was. So much for that watched pot never boils thing.

I carry the plate of buttered toast to the table, and soon Paige is pouring coffee for the three of us. I added three tablespoons of sugar and poured some of my milk in. I let it cool down as I turned my attention to the rest of the food. This part was pretty much ritual for me. I ate most of the whites around the yolks and then cut in beteween them. I then ceremoniously drizzled ketchup on one of the yolks, lifted onto a peice of toast, and unceremoniously, squished it into a half-sandwich. I allowed the yellow ooze to drip back onto the plate before I took a bite. My sister watched me with the usual bewildered disgust. I ignored her and dipped the end of my sandwich into the yellow puddle before taking another bite. I enjoyed every bite of that sandwich, and the next one.

I was using the last peice of bread to wipe up the remaining yolk when conversation started.

"Did everyone have a good night's sleep?" asked Henry.

I nodded as I stuck the bread in my mouth. I took a sip of coffee before moving onto the pancakes. I didn't have much of a process for these, just to cut it into a bunch of squares and eat as is. 'The Blacks' just nodded, and Paige answered with "Somewhat."

I swallowed so that I could talk. "Somewhat?"

She yawned; it was now that I actually noticed that she was still only half asleep. "I had a nightmare involving the cavern."

"Yea? What happened?"

"It came to life, howled like a wolf, breathed out smoke, and started eating people."

I paused and then laughed. "No wonder you're tired and in a bad mood."

"Wow, that's one crazy dream" said Denna. Henry nodded and set down his cup, "But I can understand where it came from. The tale of Toburna's Cavern is kind of creepy, and we're not all that far from it."

Both Blackes got up from the table, already done with their breakfast, and put their plates in the trashbag. Luna paused, "Is anyone having more milk?"

When we all answered that we weren't, she grabbed it and stuck it back in the cooler. After that, she and Angela went back into the tent to talk about - God knows what. Maybe they were talking about how to make the adventure crazier than what they first thought up of...or maybe the gamble.

"Hmmm."

I turned back at Henry.

"What does everyone want to do?" he asked.

"Sleep," voted Paige.

I smiled, she must have really had a hard time with that dream. "I think I'll stay with her while she naps. I brought a book."

Henry nodded, "Alright. And the Blacke twins are talking to each other. That could last for a while. Denna?"

"Want to go fishing or something?"

"Sure. Kassy, can you watch over camp for a little bit? You could always use the walkie talkie if you need us."

"Sure! Make sure to catch some nice ones."

"Right, see you in a bit."

Yea right, I thought as I watched them trek towards the river. I knew better, fishing can take hours, even in a good spot.

Paige immediately made her way back to the tent. I watched and listened for a moment. The only thing that happened was Paige telling Luna and Angela that she was going to take a nap, and they agreed to keep it down. I started picking things up. I threw out the plates and used napkins. One would think they could throw out their own trash before going off to do their own thing. But oh well, I was positive it would come to Henry soon and he'd make a note to thank me. It's how he was sometimes.

It was while I was wiping down the picnic table, that I heard the door to the tent unzip. I turned to see 'The Blacks' coming out and coming towards me. I knew that it was time to talk about what they had in mind.

"So, Kassy... You wanted to know what we had in mind." started Luna.

I nodded and watched them sit down. I sat across from them. "I want to at least know what the adventure and gamble is."

She smiled. "Well, you know the story about Toburna's carvern?"

"We're thinking of checking it out." added Angela. "But we can't all go. Henry would never go for it."

"That's why we need someone to stay and keep it secret for whoever's going in the cave."

Of course! The cave was a perfect adventure for 'The Blacks' to set up.

"But what about the gamble?"

"The gamble is to see who gets to go and who gets to stay."

I thought so. I sighed and thought about it for a moment.
__________________________________________________________________

Dp? What's her answer? Will she agree to go along and gamble to see if she goes into the cavern?

How about a review of the facts for consideration?

While Kassy generally likes adventure

Paige (her twin) is being cautious and is worried about 'The Blacks'

Paige had a bad dream about the cavern

It's 'The Blacks'.

The cavern is blocked off

Legend says it's blocked off because people who go in don't come back

Henry would not approve

Feel free to mention anything else :P

and saying that this is an adventure novel, so of course we're going to go for it does not count >.<
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Tikanni Corazon



Joined: 25 Oct 2009
Posts: 1286
Location: Running through the plains of my mind, my wolf spirit at my side (but doing so in the UK!).

Posted: Sun Oct 24, 2010 3:15 pm    Post subject:  

So, I'm guessing this gamble is between just the three of them, the Black twins and Kassy? So if Kassy wins the gamble, one of the twins will be left behind. One cannot help but think that, due to their extra discussion, the Blacks probably have more planned than they're letting on. Possibly something along the lines of arranging for Kassy to win the chance to go, so that they can play some kind of a trick on her. I personally wouldn't go along with them if I was Kassy. She doesn't fully trust them, and neither does her sister. I think she should turn them down, and see what happens.

There are a couple of places where there are capital letters where there shouldn't be, and some where there should be and are not. So I would go over it, and correct them. But on the whole, it is another good chapter, leaving the reader asking questions about what might happen next. Looking forward to the next one! :)
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Ingrothechundyer



Joined: 22 Aug 2010
Posts: 484
Location: Wandering the streets of IF since 10/21/2005

Posted: Sun Oct 24, 2010 4:51 pm    Post subject:  

Nice story so far. I've enjoyed catching up.

As far as the DP if she wants to go there is no need to gamble. They can tell her sister that they are going and then their objectives are fulfilled and the three that are interested in going can go.

As far as the writing Tikanni already mentioned the capitalization.

I would recommend giving the chapter a final read over in the preview screen as I personally find that it helps me catch things like this. kkdestiny wrote: I thought as Iw atched them trek towards the river. . I would also suggest running spellcheck ;)

When breaking the though you might want to consider using something shorter. This displayed as three lines when I was reading it and for me it broke immersion in the actual story. kkdestiny wrote: __________________________________________________________________
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Vishal Muralidharan



Joined: 24 Aug 2010
Posts: 864
Location: City Of IF!

Posted: Mon Oct 25, 2010 3:49 am    Post subject:  

Nice Chap!

Well, I can't see any harm in going, but I guess I would rather not. Probably ask them to go by themselves and read the book I bought along.

Perhaps if I decided to go, I would try and be prepared for anything that the Blacks might want to do, and the dangers of the cave, if we know anything about that.
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Crunchyfrog



Joined: 12 Dec 2006
Posts: 3998

Posted: Mon Oct 25, 2010 4:22 am    Post subject:  

This is shaping up to be a good story, and so far it is checking nearly all of the boxes required for it to be stickied at the top of the forum - meaning it would qualify for the next Spotlight competition.

Sort out the grammatical and spelling errors - particularly the capitalisation on names and at beginning of sentences, and it'll be there.

Another point I picked up on is that you sometimes spell the Black twins with an 'e' on the end - keep it consistent, one or the other.

For the DP -

I don't trust the twins. I would go, and take somebody else with me, (not Paige) on the condition that either Luna or Angela stays behind. If they're split up they may be easier to handle, plus you can guarantee that they'll cover for one another - and they seem clever enough to be able to pull the wool over Henry's eyes, at least for the time the exploration takes place.
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