City of IF

Shillelagh · Joined: 11 Mar 2010 Posts: 398 Location: Kansas

I'm really confused by this camp. In the first chapter, it sounded like a structured church camp type set-up, with Henry and Denna as counsilors. Now, with those two being the only leaders, and everyone having to do that much work, it sounds more like a bunch of friends who just happened to go camping with two older people to serve as adults. But that can't be right, or the Black twins wouldn't be there.

So... why are they at this camp, again? How is it structured? Why are Henry and Denna the only two with authority? Who can they call for help if the cave backfires?

I don't trust the Black sisters... but I feel like they're gonna enter the cave either way. I'd like to ask Henry, Denna or the others about the cave in a bit more detail. I'd like to know more about it than "It's spooky and no one who enters leaves"

kkdestiny · Posted: Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:18 pm Post subject:

It ain't structured >>;

It's a group of friend's together. Henry is the only 18 year old, and Denna is his girl friend. The truth is that Luna and angela are friendly with this bunch, at least friendlier than with most people who they ignore. They just happen to also be extremely mischevious :p

...and they just happen to be stupid enough to have someone enter in on a dare even though the story says no one comes out again.

I'm sorry for the confusion of those who are reading this >.< but the truth is that Henry IS resposible for an 18 year old and all of them respect him XD

Thunderbird · Posted: Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:31 pm Post subject:

I enjoyed this.

But I would have liked to see more detail where the foreshadowing elements such as the dream were concerned and less detail where the particulars of the meal and how it was eaten were concerned.

The adventure sounds interesting but if someone is reluctant to go, why the need for a 'gamble' at all? I f5 Chundy on this matter.

crazybookgal · Joined: 08 Oct 2010 Posts: 196

Hmm I think she should see what she has to do for the gamble first.
you spelled piece as peice in many places.
I'm also wondering why in the world does Henry leave these girls by themselves in a forest where anybody could come and grab them. Henry doesn't seem like the sharpest knife in the box so i say we all go...no matter what the Blackes say.
Or...Kassy can tell Paige and they can go without the Blackes

Smee · Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK

Quote: But I would have liked to see more detail where the foreshadowing elements such as the dream were concerned and less detail where the particulars of the meal and how it was eaten were concerned.

Yes, I too have been getting a little bogged down with the food details, whereas we know almost nothing about the decision point. I don't even like eggs, so such in-depth detail of smushing up a yolk in toast was actually quite gross to me ;)

A campfire story the previous night going over the legend of the cave could have really set the scene that much easier, and give us that much more information about it.

As for the DP, I agree, splitting up the twins is the best bet. So aim for that.

Happy Writing :)

kkdestiny · Posted: Fri Oct 29, 2010 12:38 pm Post subject:

*loks around* i thought i already replied o.o guess not.

well, I'm afraid of foreshadowing too much, really XP

and the food scene..well that was actually supposed to get some sort of reaction out of people...

uh, the long line thing at the end of the chapter along with the notes at the bottom will be removed towards to adding of the third chapter. I don't know why it's appearing as three segments to you...but I think to almost everybody else, it is a single solid line that is just used -actually- to bring you out of the story and to think about the dp.

Thunderbird · Posted: Fri Oct 29, 2010 4:15 pm Post subject:

Please don't feel bad... I don't think any of us post anything that can't be picked at somewhat and anything said in criticism is meant to be constructive. If we didn't like it, we probably wouldn't have read it far enough to make comments afterwards ;)

kkdestiny · Posted: Sun Oct 31, 2010 4:07 pm Post subject:

oh...

...wow...

I just noticed my sg's been stickied XD How's long it been like that?

*laghs but then waves it off*

Gotta set up the poll XP

kkdestiny · Posted: Wed Nov 03, 2010 2:12 pm Post subject:

ok since it is currently tied..i'll vote postpone XP

Crunchyfrog · Joined: 12 Dec 2006 Posts: 3998

Awww, How did I miss this? I'd have voted splitting the twins up.

But finding out more about the caves sounds like a good move - and gives the opportunity to develop some of the lead characters here.

Looking forward to the next chapter. :)

Smee · Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK

Me too! :(

Hmmm... I guess I just wait and see what happens next.

Happy Writing :)

kkdestiny · Posted: Fri Nov 05, 2010 8:10 am Post subject:

Gamble but take one of the twins
33% [ 2 ]
No Gamble
0% [ 0 ]
No gamble/ read a book and let them explore the damn cave
16% [ 1 ]
Postpone until you can ask henry (the one who told the story) about the cave
50% [ 3 ]

*Deletes poll and starts thinking about the next chapter*

Guest · Posted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 12:36 am Post subject:

I couldn't agree more on the choice, henry must know more about the cave that what he already told. Good adventure, and can't wait to read more.

kkdestiny · Posted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 9:31 am Post subject:

I have an announcement!

College is nearing the end of first semeser and finals are coming up. Chapter three will be slow to come (not that it isn't already) I am sorry for this but I really must focus on my classes and will only be able to pop on once in a while at most.

Thunderbird · Posted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 5:41 pm Post subject:

We'll wait patiently for more then. Make sure you don't get too lost in RL and forget all about us here!

kkdestiny · Posted: Fri Nov 19, 2010 5:38 am Post subject:

understood ^^ thanks

crazybookgal · Joined: 08 Oct 2010 Posts: 196

i think thats a good choice-i mean school is important

Crunchyfrog · Joined: 12 Dec 2006 Posts: 3998

RL always comes first. Don't worry, we'll still be here when you're able to get back. :)

kkdestiny · Posted: Fri Feb 11, 2011 8:13 pm Post subject:

in the double effect of bumping this thread and wanting to say something to CF, I make this post.

There's a reason why the identical twins are refered to both the Blackes and 'The Blacks'

They are the Blackes, because their namer is actually Blacke

They are 'The Blacks' because our main twins named them that because 1. They have black hair and 2. They are creepy.

and, I am currently working on the chapter

Thunderbird · Posted: Sun Feb 13, 2011 11:55 am Post subject:

looking forward to it kk!

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

This needs a chapter soon!

crazybookgal · Joined: 08 Oct 2010 Posts: 196

>>>Bump ;)

kkdestiny · Posted: Thu May 05, 2011 10:29 am Post subject:

ok, now that exmas are almost over *in the middle of an exam* (XD)

there will be NO MORE school to get in my way. I'm very,very,very, sorry..I even had the great idea of tagging a flashdrive with me...and it has failed...but it's ok, I need to over haul the chapter a bit anyways. henry isn't being all that cooperative for some reason.

Thunderbird · Posted: Thu May 05, 2011 6:40 pm Post subject:

wb KK! Nice to see you returning!

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

WB KK! :D :D

kkdestiny · Posted: Sat Feb 11, 2012 9:54 am Post subject:

Chapter 3- Asking

I shook my head, “I don't know. I need to think about it.”

“How long do you need?” challenged Angela, “We're only here for another day.”

I stepped back from the unexpected outburst, and was glad when Luna grabbed her sister's hand. “Angela, it's ok. Let her have some time.”

Angela looked at her sister for a while before taking a deep breath and nodding. “Kassy, you'll have until bedtime to tell us your answer.” Luna said as she turned to me. I nodded my understanding and they left, walking into the woods. I've never seen Angela like that. It made me concerned, and curious as to why they wanted to go into the cave so much. Then I got even more curious, why would they need me to be involved at all?

“Curiouser and curiouser...” I muttered to myself. I watched as the two walked further down the path until they went around a bend. I then looked around the camp and realized something; I had nothing to do. I stood there for another moment before remembering that I had brought a book. Suddenly, Alice in Wonderland was calling me. It was a perfect time to get some reading in.

As I was ducking into the tent, I smiled. Perhaps the cave was like the rabbit hole from Alice in Wonderland. Oh yes, because Joshua Toburna would curse the cavern with little white rabbits and vanishing cats. I laughed but quickly stopped myself as Paige shifted in her sleeping bag. "Just me," I whispered and walked over to my bag to get out my book. I got comfy on my sleeping bag and took out the bookmark.

I must have really gotten into it because the next thing I knew, Henry and Denna were already back; and laughing. I glanced up, noted the activity, and replaced my bookmark. I knew I wouldn't be able to read with their chatter, and I didn't feel right about asking them to be quiet, especially after I noticed that Paige's voice was also with them. I looked over at her sleeping bag- it was empty. Wow, how deep in the rabbit hole was I to have not heard her get up?

I set the book back in my bag and made my way out of the tent. I stretched and looked around. Here's some of the good news: It was still light outside, and when Henry saw me he held up a line with two very large fish on them. I smiled. "Nice fish! How are you going to cook them?" I asked as I walked over to where they were.

"I was thinking of filleting them and serving some up with homemade pork and beans."

"Pork and beans?"

"Yea, I put some bacon in with the beans while you were still in the tent."

Yet another thing I missed while I was stuck in LaLa Land.

But then I looked around. 'The Blacks' weren't back yet.

Denna noticed me looking around.

"Yea...Do you know where those two went?"

"Nope. But they went down that path a while ago." I said as I pointed out said path.

"I'm sure they'll be fine, but if it starts getting dark we'll go look for them." Henry said, assuring Denna who smiled and nodded.

For the next several hours we sat and talked. When the twins came back, Denna was first to spot them and wave them over. Luna seemed to jump right in, but Angela stayed quiet during the whole thing. This was normal, so nobody else seemed concerned with it. But I wondered if she was still angry at me.

We were talking about our favorite movies when Henry noticed that it was getting dark.

"Excuse me for a moment."

"Where are you going?" asked Denna.

"I'm just checking up on dinner"

"Pork and beans, right?"

"Yup."

I watched as Henry stirred and tested the beans before putting the lid on again. My stomach growled. Then it hit me that we didn't have lunch at all that day.

"Is it done?" I asked him as he came back to our group.

"Not as much as I would have liked," he admitted," but we'll be having dinner soon anyways."

"Then you should fillet the fish now, so it'll be ready for dinner" reminded Denna.

"Alright. Sorry guys, but I need you to clear away from the table."

Having stepped away to give him room, I watched as he grabbed a large garbage bag and started scaling the fish. I didn't want to watch it so I went and sit by the fire. Soon I was joined by Paige; while 'The Blacks' went off to do their own business.

"So, what did they tell you?"

"I didn't think you wanted to know."

"Well, now I do."

I laughed a little at her. "I'm not going to tell you," I paused,"But don't worry. I didn't decide yet."

I could tell that she really wanted me to tell her, but I just smiled and turned back to stare at the fire.

The next thing I know, I'm being patted on the shoulder. "Ok, wake up Kassy."

"Wha..?"

Paige smiled as I lifted my head from her shoulder. "You fell asleep."

"Oh."

"Come on, it's dinner time."

I nodded and allowed her to help me up. After dinner, I wanted to go to bed, I probably shouldn't have because I fell asleep earlier. But I had some questions I needed to ask, So I went and found Henry. He was washing dishes.

"Hey Henry."

"Oh hi."

"I wanted to ask you about Toburna's cavern."

"Yea? What do you want to know?"

"Well...what do you know about it? Other than the stories?"

For the first time in a long time, I saw him think on something, and in a way that it seemed like a serious matter. "Well, My grandmother told me some things about it, and has a stash of newspaper clippings." he paused, "I can't really tell you all that I know, you have to ask specific questions about it."

I looked down at the ground for a moment. It took me a while to think of a question at first. "Did people really disappear in the cave?"

"Yes."

"Ok. Um...How many?"

"There were fifteen disappearances, but that's all that were documented."

"Were there any similarities other than them being in the cave?"

This time it took longer for him to answer, and he looked like he didn't really want to tell me.

"Ten of them were twins."

I stared at him, and just barely noted that he squirmed a bit uncomfortably, "Twins?"

He nodded silently.

"You do realize that you have two sets of twins here, right?"

"Hey, I tried to get you guys to cancel the trip before we came."

"You could have refused to take us."

"Then you guys would have gotten someone else to take you, and probably someone who doesn't know anything about the cave"

I didn't have anything to say to that. I couldn't say anything, because he was completely right.
I thought about my conversation with 'The Blacks'. I'm supposed to keep it a secret...

kkdestiny · Posted: Sat Feb 11, 2012 9:58 am Post subject:

hey hey hey, so sorry that this didn't come 'til....forever -.-

but it's up!

And for some review:

We asked henry about the cave

and we found out that there's some sort of danger, especially towards twins

We're only here for another day

The Blacks seemed awfully determined to check out the cave (Angela's acting weird)

soooooo what is our main character going to do?

Tikanni Corazon · Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2012 3:28 pm Post subject:

Hey KK! Long time no see! But good to have you back and writing for us again! :)

As it's been a while, I did have to give the past couple of chapters a quick scan over, just to get the gist as to what's going on, as, though I could remember vaguely, I needed to just confirm that I was accurate in my thoughts, and to get a feel for the characters again. As for the current chapter, I wasn't disappointed. Another nice addition to your story. It's kinda slow going, but that's not a bad thing. And despite that, one gets the feeling that there is plenty of action to come later on in the story, which I'm very much looking forward to reading more about. :)

I noticed a few things here...

Quote: I've never seen Angela like that. It made me concerned, and curious as to why they wanted to go into the cave so much.

I think this needs to be 'I'd' rather than 'I've'.

Quote: I have nothing to do.

Similar thing here, needs to be 'had' rather than 'have'.

Quote: Here's some of the good news:

I'm not really sure why, but this doesn't sound right. It seems to take something away from the storytelling aspect, if you get me, and, and away from any tension that it seems to insinuate is going to occur. It's like we're being warned that there's going to be some bad news along with the good news, before we even get to that part. I don't know exactly how to put it, but it doesn't sound right to me, though others might think differently, so don't go changing it purely for my benefit, okay. ;)

Quote: Yet another thing I missed while I was stuck in LaLa Land.

I think this needs to be 'I'd', rather than just 'I', but I'll need someone else to confirm that.

Quote: My stomache growled.

Stomach.

Quote: "Then you should fillet the fish now, so it'll be ready for dinner" Reminded Denna.

This shouldn't be a capital 'R'.

Quote: "i can't really tell you all that I know, you have to ask specific questions about it."

Capital 'I'.

Quote: "ok. um..How many?"

Capital 'O'.

Don't take all of this to heart. They're all minor mistakes, and do nothing to the quality of your storytelling. :)

Okay, for the dp, I'm going to say that our lead charrie does tell Henry about their conversation. The Blacks seem a little too eager to enter the cave. Given it's history, one wonders why they would be so. I mean, they might not know it's history, but it is strange that they want to get inside it so badly, and that Angela is acting strange, and that they're requesting that conversations are kept secret. I'm wondering if there is something more sinister about The Blacks than meets the eye. So yeah, tell Henry, and see what he has to say.

This was a good chappie, KK! Keep up the good work! :)

kkdestiny · Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2012 10:05 pm Post subject:

i don't usually tend to take things harshly like that. I thank you for taking the time to go through and let me know how i could fix things up, and i even spotted a few more things on the way.

kkdestiny · Posted: Tue Feb 21, 2012 1:33 pm Post subject:

well, i guess i'll just go with that since it's been a while now and i'm not getting anything from any one else.

so, next chapter we will tell Henry about the deal with 'The Blacks'

PopeAlessandrosXVIII · Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2012 10:42 am Post subject: *Poke*

*Poke* *Poke* *Poke* C'mon KK, I know you have mroe in you!

kkdestiny · Posted: Wed Oct 10, 2012 12:29 pm Post subject:

Chapter 4: Foiling

....but if most of the people that went missing were twins, then I couldn't take any chances on their stupid gamble.

I started to run over different situations in my head; different ways to tell Henry about what they were planning. But when I looked at him next, my mouth seemed to work on its own.

"The Blackes want to explore the cave."

He immediately stopped scrubbing and looked at me, almost as if he was checking to see if I was serious. Then he went back to washing the dishes, but he was scrubbing much faster. I guess he wanted to get it over with. He reached for the towel, "What, exactly did they say?"

"Uh..well, they said they were gunna set up some sort of gamble to see who gets to stay here and distract you while the other two explored the cave."

"Really..." He trailed off and looked down at his hands as he finished drying them. I wondered was was going through his head. It has been a while since I've seen him so serious after all. I was brought out of my thoughts by the sound of him sighing. "And were you planning to go along with them?"

"I was curious, but you know the Blackes- they love pulling jokes on us and I really didn't like where this was going. Not to mention the fact that Angela was acting weird."

"Weird?"

"Well...yeah. It's kind of hard to say exactly, but she yelled at me about it, and I mean actually yelled. She never does that."

He nodded. "Yeah, that's weird alright." He paused then smiled a little. "Well, thanks for telling me...and thanks for cleaning the table too."

I blinked, confused at first.

"Oh! Wow...yeah."

He laughed at me a little, to which I feigned anger. "Hell of a time to bring that up, though. It's kind of a serious thing isn't it?"

He stopped laughing and nodded. "It is. I think I know how to deal with it tomorrow."

"How?"

"Well, I'm not telling you that part. But I will tell you that I'll be playing my own sort of game with the Blackes tomorrow. I don't think they would suspect a thing."

"I don't think even Denna would suspect you."

"Exactly. Now you go do what you have to do with The Blackes. Then you can go to bed. I'll take care of everything else."

I nodded, feeling better now that I told Henry everything and happy that I got to see a mischevious side to him. I made a mental note to further explore this uncharted territory once we were all back at home.

Finding 'The Blacks', I made towards them. Angela spotted me first, which soon got the attention of her sister. Luna smiled a little, I bet she thought she had me hooked. Once I got up to them, they looked at me expectantly. I took a deep breath. "I do love adventure, but I don't like the risk you guys are giving it. I'm not going along with your plans."

Angela almost spoke up again but I hurriedly interupted her, afraid of her bursting out at me again. "That's final."

Luna put her hand on her sister's arm and as I walked away, ready to go to bed, she seemed to be trying to calm her down. She was probably talking about how they could explore without my help. They didn't know that Henry had something else planned for tomorrow. On that topic, I wondered what he had in mind. I didn't think too much on it though, because I was really, really tired.

I entered the tent. As soon as I did, Paige looked over at me looking concerned. I smiled to reassure her, "I'm not going anywhere tomorrow."

"Good."

I noticed a necklace around her neck that wasn't there before, and I knew she didn't own one like it. "What's that?"

"It's a necklace."

"Well, I know that."

"Then why'd you ask?"

I paused, slightly frustrated with her blunt sence of humor. "Ok, let me try again. Where did you get that necklace?"

"Henry."

"Ok...details please?"

She smiled, and I instantly knew she was waiting see how long I would get to that.

"Henry is lending it to me. He said it's a good luck charm, and that he didn't want anything to happen to us,"she paused for a moment, " but he knows I don't believe in good luck charms, so I've just been wearing it 'cause it looks nice."

"You weren't wearing it before, though."

"I've been wearing it since lunch. I thought you would have noticed earlier."

...since lunch? Now, I was confused, because I just told him about The Blackes plans. I wondered if he had sensed something was up too, but why give it to Paige? Oh yeah...I tend to lose things. If he was only going to lend it, I could see how he wouldn't want it to be me. I yawned. "Ok, well...good night Paige. I wanna get some sleep for whatever we're doing tomorrow."

"Goodnight, sis"

As I wiggled into my sleeping bag and layed my head down, I could hear 'The Blacks' whispering about something before Henry and Denna interupted them, calling it a night. Closing my eyes, the last thing I heard was the tent's zipper and the hushed shuffling of feet.

Fog. There was lots of fog. I lifted my hand up; I could see see it just fine, so it wasn't horribly bad, but I couldn't see anything anywhere else. I started wondering where I was. I remember the first rule of getting lost, stay put. I looked around me. I didn't want to stay put, though. I walked around in deliberate circles, but found nothing to sit on. However, I did hear something. I looked behind me, wondering what was out there. I felt a tingling shiver go up my back. "Hello?"

What I got back was what sounded like far off whispers, and then the fog moved. the whole thing didn't move though, just a part of it, and it seemed slightly darker too. It didn't even occur to me that it might have been something other than the fog.

Only after a little bit of watching the spot where the chunk of fog moved to, did I think that it might be something sentient. I stepped towards it, in an effort to challenge it. It seemed to move a little bit backwards. "What is this fog?" I demanded. More whispers.

And then the fog cleared, and I was being shaken. "Hey, sleepy head. Wake up."

I opened my eyes to see Paige smiling above me.

"Ok, she's up. Can we go now?" I heard Angela saying in the background. What is she so anxious about? Are we leaving already?

"Now, hold on. We have to wait for her to actually get up. You know. Out of bed." Wow, Denna was annoyed. I was too as I got out of my sleeping bag, and grabbed my hair brush. I was starting to wish Angela would go back to normal. They were more tolerable when they weren't pushing people to do stuff, and getting snappy when it wasn't going right. Although, Luna wasn't as bad as Angela right now. I wondered if she felt the same and was just better at hiding it. I stepped outside and began to brush my hair. With a yawn, I looked over at Henry. "What's going on?"

"I found bear scat some ways away from camp. We're packing up camp extra early, getting some berries real quick, and then getting out of here."

Short and direct. He was nervous. I began to wonder if he really did find bear poo, or if it was all his own poo.

"Ok, let me brush through my hair real quick and I'll start packing."

He nodded and everyone else started getting to work. Paige drug my sleeping bag and other stuff out of the tent and put it with her stuff. Then she went to help 'The Blacks' take it down and put it in it's little carrier. Denna was busy packing the car up with everything else. Henry was dealing with the garbage. I quickly set my hair up in a pony, handed my bag to Denna and started to roll up my sleeping bag.

Once everything was done, Henry took out a notepad and a pen to check things off and make sure we got everything. Once we were clear, he turned to us. "Ok. Everyone tuck your pants into your socks and double tie your shoes. Grab your partner, cause we're going berry picking. Denna and I will be in the front, then Angela and Luna, then Paige and Kass. Keep your eyes out for bears. I could have sworn I saw him smile when Angela was obviously displeased with their placement in the group.

"Why are we in the middle? We like being in the back." asked Luna. I guess she didn't like it either. "Because you two drag your feet," replied Henry, "and we need to stay together- as a group."

As it turns out, the first berry patch we found wasn't that far away from the car. Still, I wondered if he really did see that bear scat or if this was his game. After a while I concluded that it had to be fake, since the only thing we were doing after berry picking was going home. There wouldn't have been a chance to play any tricks after we went home. I looked up suddenly. I was a few steps away from paige, but we were more than just a few steps away from the rest of the group. Just in case, I looked around for bears. After I was satisfied, I went back towards Paige.

Sometime later, I looked up again- and found myself in the same spot. The same exact spot. Guessing that I coincidently moved back to the spot, I took a break and sat down, making sure no berries would get squished under me and stain my butt. I sat for a bit and relaxed, and just stared down the path that was in front of me. That was, until a shadow moved. My first thought, amazingly enough, wasn't that it was a bear. Instead, I recalled my dream and how weird it was. But when the shadow moved again, I picked up my berries and went over to Paige. Once I told her about the shadow, she grabbed me and we walked backwards over to the group, and told Henry.

He looked over to where I said it was. I don't think he saw anything, but Henry wouldn't want to take the chance. He turned towards Denna. "Think we have enough berries?"
Denna was eating every berry that she picked, "Honey, I had enough berries a whole minute ago. I was waiting to see how long it'd take you."

"Well, it's time to go." He held his hand out to her and she took it.

"Alright everybody, That's enough, let's get back to the car." He announced loudly, glancing over to the path that I saw the shadow on. Calmly yet anxiously, we grabbed the hand of our partner and moved out. This time the Blacke sisters were in front, and Henry and Denna were in back, watching out for that possible bear. Once we got back to the car, we all buckled up and Henry revved up the engine. I relaxed a little as we drove away, but I found myself looking out the window. I became curious about what we just left behind. Whatever it was, it didn't need exploring, I told myself. In an attempt to distract myself I spoke up to everyone else, "So, any weird dreams guys?"

"Well, I had a dream that I was swimming with fish, and then one of them got Henry's face on it. I was confused about it at first, but then there was a disco ball and some music started playing. The fish turned into a merman version of him, and we started dancing." Chimed Denna.

Henry started laughing, so did Paige. I smiled, it really did sound funny. However, as everyone else laughed, something was tugging at the back of my mind. Determined to drive it away, I looked over at Paige and asked if she had anymore nightmares. She smiled, "Nope. In fact, I don't even remember dreaming last night."

There was more chattering, mostly because I kept bringing up topics to chat about. But at some point the chattering had to stop and I leaned onto Paige's shoulder, intent on using her as a pillow.

Come back.

Startled at the sudden voice, I bolted up. Paige looked at me surprised, but then smiled. "Hey, perfect timing. We're home."
I wiped the sleep away from my eyes and stepped out of the car. I needed to stretch badly. While I was doing so, Paige stuffed my sleeping bag into my arms. henry already had my backpack and pillow and was going up the steps to my house, where my parents were waiting. mom hugged and kissed us both, "So, did you have a good time?"
I smiled at her and dad, who was showing Henry where he could stick our stuff. "Yea, I had fun."

"That's good, any plans to go back before school starts up again?"

"No."

I looked over at Paige, surprised at first at how fast and stirnly she responded. Then again, she seemed uneasy the moment we had camp set up. Mom got concerned, "Something happen?"

"Nothing," I assured her, "She just had nightmares the first couple of nights."

"Well then, come in and out of the chill."

I could see Paige handing Henry his necklace back as I came in.

Come back.

I turned around, hearing the voice again. But no one was there. Henry passed by me and said goodbye. I nodded silently, still in thought about the voice. Once the car was out of sight, I closed the door. That's when the goosebumps finally hit. Paige ran up and grabbed my hand, "Come on, let's take a nap. I know car rides make you sleepy."
______________________________________________________________

So uh...I guess dp would be ignore it and take a nap, or tell Paige, or tell Henry or...whatever XD I'm just glad to have it up.

yes, i know there are mistakes. i'll get to them...eventually...

Tikanni Corazon · Posted: Sat Oct 13, 2012 7:41 pm Post subject:

Hey KK!

Great to see a new chappie from you after all this time! :) And a good edition to your story. I did have to scan over the preceding chapters to get back into the story, but that was no trouble. And wow! What's happening with Cass!!? Suddenly having strange dreams and an eerie voice speaking to her even when she's awake!

Found a few small things...

Quote: "Really..." He trailed off and looked down at his hands as he finished drying them. I wondered was was going through his head. It has been a while since I've seen him so serious after all. i was brought out of my thoughts by the sound of him sighing. "and were you planning to go along with them?"

The letters quoted in red need to be capitals.

Quote: "Well...yea. It's kind of hard to say exactly, but she yelled at me about it, and I mean actually yelled. She never does that."
Quote: "Oh! Wow...yea."

Yeah

Quote: He laughed at me a little, to which I feigned anger. "Hell of a time to bring that up, though. It's kind of a serius thing isn't it?"

Serious

Quote: "Well, I'm not telling you that part. But I will tell you that I'll be playing my own sort of game with the Blackes tomorrow. I don't think they would suspect a thing."

This would read better the 'would' were removed and either replaced with 'will' or have the 'they' changed to 'they'll'.

Quote: I took a deep breath. "I do love adventure, but I don't like the risk you guys are giving it. i'm not going along with your guys' plans."

Capital 'I' for I'm and the sentence doesn't sound right with 'guys' written in there, so I think it should be removed.

Quote: Now, I was confused, because I just told him about The Blackes plans. I wondered if he had senced something was up too, but why give it to Paige? Oh yea...I tend to lose things. If he was only going to lend it, I could see how he wouldn't want it to be me. I yawned.

Sensed and Yeah

Quote: Paige drug my sleeping bag and other stuff out of the tent and put it with her stuff.

I don't actually know if 'drug' is a word when used in this manner, but it doesn't sound correct and would be better as 'dragged' I think.

Quote: "Well, I had a dream that I was swimming with fish, and then one of them got Henry's face on it. I was confused about it at first, but then there was a disco ball and some music started playing. The fish turned into a merman version of him, and we started dancing."

Not sure who is speaking here.

Quote: She smiled, "Nope. In fact, I don't even remeber dreamng last night.

Remember and Dreaming.

Quote: Paige stuffed my sleeping bag into my arms. henry already had my backpack and pillow and was going up the steps to my house, where my parents were waiting. mom hugged and kissed us bohth, "So, did you have a good time?"
I smiled at her and dad, who was showing Henry where he could stick our stuff. "Yea, I had fun."

Capital 'M', Both, and Yeah.

Quote: I looked over at Paige, surprised at first at how fast and stirnly she responded. then again, she seemed uneasy the moment we had camp set up. Mom got concerned, "Something happen?"

Sternly

Quote: Once the car was out of sight, i clsoed the door. that's when the goosebumps finally hit. Paige ran up and grabbed my hand, "Come on, let's take a nap. I know car rides make you sleepy."

Capital 'I' and Closed.

There are also quite a few incidences where capital letters are needed, particularly with names and titles, so you'll need to go over those and find them.

I recommend that you download this - http://wisedownloads.com/go/AbiWord/?subid=microsoft%20office&source=google_AbiWord-search-Office-UK_1 - It's free and it's what I use. It'll point out any misspelled words and either correct them for you automatically or point them out. :)

For the DP, I'm going to say that Cass goes straight to tell Paige. Her sister is acting a little weird to me, but I think she's the person that Cass can trust the most right now. :)

Good to see this up and running again, KK! Keep up the good work! :)

kkdestiny · Posted: Tue Oct 16, 2012 10:10 am Post subject:

Thanks for reading Tikanni!

I think I got most of it, so it should be a smoother read.

I'd like for everyone to keep in mind that where I am, we don't add the H to 'yeah'.
So I'm going to make that mistake, A LOT.

...now if only I could get some of my readers back. >.<

Vishal Muralidharan · Joined: 24 Aug 2010 Posts: 867 Location: City Of IF!

Caught up, and it was a great re-read! Really happy to see this off and running again xD

There were a lot of small, recurring mistakes, so I'd recommend that you do get something to check your spelling errors. They aren't major mistakes, but it gets frustratingly distracting at times xD However, this story has gotten me all the more intrigued now. Definitely want to follow all the way through.

First, I'd recommend that we tell Paige, and then we talk to Henry. I don't think he's telling us everything he knows. Also, talk to him about the voice. We really need to confide in someone who knows about the cave.

kkdestiny · Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2012 10:31 pm Post subject:

ok, I'm looking for another reader...

Vikas perhaps?

Misterbiz?

Seraphi · Posted: Mon Nov 05, 2012 11:53 am Post subject:

Well, I'm not Vikas or misterbiz...so I hope you don't mind me chiming in!

I had fun reading through this story. It started a little slow for my tastes, though that did give me ample time to get acquianted with the characters. I was also slightly confused by the setting for most of it...but it was still an enjoyable read. I found one thing that made me stumble...

kkdestiny wrote: As soon as I did, Paige looked over at me looking concerned. I smiled to reassure her, "I'm not going anywhere tomorrow."

I'd suggest "Paige looked over at me, concerned." Or something along those lines, as long as it gets rid of the double look.

I really liked the dream and the mysterious voice that comes in at the end. For the DP, I say we tell Paige. She also had a dream while at the camp, plus she might be hearing a mysterious voice too, and that's why she's acting a bit funny. Henry can always be told later, maybe we can somehow even convince him to take us back to the campsite/cave. Twinsy pow-wow time first, though.

Keep it up!

kkdestiny · Posted: Mon Nov 05, 2012 6:41 pm Post subject:

Actually, it's just what I needed thanks :)

and for the record, any one is welcome to read through.

kkdestiny · Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 1:10 pm Post subject:

So the poll's up. Actually, it's been up but I forgot to update the thread's title.

We have three very similar choices, but each of them is quite different in their own way.

I must admit, I'm actually excited to be moving on past chapter 4! :P

kkdestiny · Posted: Thu Dec 06, 2012 5:20 am Post subject:

no more votes, eh?