City of IF

[Smee]

After lunch today at work I made the odd decision to travel up the 3 flights of stairs back to my desk, rather than the usual choice of using the lift!

It starts off well, feeling fine.
Two at a time I climb them.
Base camp one, no sign of a whine.
Water please, you're a gem.

On I go, with far more care,
Only one step at a time.
Scale the heights, conquer a stair,
Victory will be mine.

Knees are wobbling, sweat is pouring,
I need a break, a pause is so near.
Base camp 2, I feel like snoring,
Fall asleep right here.

Foolish boy, futile endevour.
A perfectly good lift over there.
Getting fit, you think you're clever
Never again climb the stair!

[Guest]

That's actaully quite funny. :D

[Thunderbird]

Yes, a light humor additive to my day - I have to climb a few flights at work myself (not many) but enough to feel like this some days.

[D-Lotus]

Let's see. Pretty funny, although I wonder if the humor would flow better without all the commas and interruptions; at least, they could be placed strategically.

Your commas, in fact, are changing the accent of the poem.

e.g.

Quote: It starts off well, feeling fine.

The rhythm/intonation here before the comma: ba-BUM ba-BUM (It=ba, starts=BUM, off=ba, BUM=well). Indeed, it starts of well. Then after the comma: BUM-ba BUM (Fee=BUM, ling= ba, fine= BUM). The second part doesn't keep up the rhythm.

Now, I'm not suggesting you've done anything wrong, but you might want to ask yourself, why did you disrupt the flow? Is there an effect intended, or might it be best to continue the flow 'till the end of the sentence?

How about:

"It starts off well and I'm just fine."

ba-BUM ba-BUM ba-BUM ba-BUM

Not that you should write it that way; it's just an example of how the rhythm would be uninterrupted. You would have to adjust the parallel structure below, "Base camp one, no sign of a whine", to fit this new pattern as well.

That's just a suggestion, it may not correspond with the effect you intended to create.

Quote: Water please, you're a gem.

Here, on the other hand, because it is the end of the stanza, perhaps it is appropriate to break up the rhythm in order to deliver a humorous punch. In order to make it more like a real voice, I recommend the use of an exclamation:

Water please! You're a gem.

BUM-ba ! BUM-ba BUM

The exclamation shifts the emphasis to the water rather than the please. And the unnatural rhythm works well for the finale.

So, without delving further into word choice or sentence length, etc, here's my advice to you:

In a humorous poem, work as much as possible on lyricism, especially if it rhymes. Do this by reading every sentence aloud and see whether it rolls off the tongue. There's no need to count the intonation of all the syllables as I have done, but make sure it sounds good when spoken, because that way it'll sound good when read.

That way you'll avoid a sentence like this, where the "so near" throws off the rhythm:

Quote: I need a break, a pause is so near.

[Smee]

Wow - nicely explained Dani. :shock:

The ba-BUM technique really makes sense, although I think it'll take some practice to get it right in my head. I do like how it keeps the flow moving though.

And yes, even I tripped over 'pause is so near'... a good point out.

Will have a think on this one, see if I can't smooth it out a bit and really get over how utterly exhausted I was at the top of those stairs :P

:)

[Thunderbird]

Wow... EXCELLENT crit Dani! I, myself, appreciated that breakdown! That attention to rythme is a great detail to keep in mind when evaluating our own work. Everything you said made perfect sense to me.

[D-Lotus]

rythme? Is that a combo of rhythm and rhyme? :lol:

Also, I just noticed something I made a mistake on. I said that the phrase

"Water please! You're a gem"

has an unnatural rhythm that works well for the finale, but actually it is very much in rhythm (BUM-ba BUM-ba-BUM). That verse consists entirely of trochees! So it's up to you whether you want to keep it that way or not, but I just wanted to point out it is in perfect rhythm in and of itself (in comparison with other verses that follow different rhythms it may be unnatural).

[Thunderbird]

Hey... looki that I made up my OWN pseudo-technical term too :) (Some of the best things in life are mistakes at the time ;) )

Rythme: Adjective,

The quality of both rythm and rhyme of a work of poetry, when superimposed over one another to form a unified perspective. Often used in critiques delivered around the City of IF website.

[D-Lotus]

:goodpost: