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Best of Three Goto page 1, 2, 3 ... 10, 11, 12  Next   (currently a favorite of )    Storygames Home -> -> The Archives View previous topic :: View next topic   Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 10:35 am    Post subject: Best of Three BEST OF THREE By Shady Stoat Larry leaned back against his front door. His brown eyes were closed, whether in despair or relief, who knew? He ran a hand through the patch where he expected his hair to be and felt the familiar pang of regret. It was definitely receding. He was losing his hair, millimetre by millimetre. Okay, it was an unimpressive ginger-brown to start off with, but five years ago at least there had been enough of it. ‘What’s next?’ he thought. ‘Bunyons? False teeth? Stress incontinence?’ He let his legs fold underneath him as he dropped quietly onto the hall carpet. It was all downhill from here. He knew it. And, if he hadn’t known it, this last succession of dates would have given him a walloping great hint! “Why join a dating agency when you’re pushing forty? All you get is a list of all the losers who haven’t been able to make anyone fancy them yet!” He muttered. The thing he didn’t add – but thought – was, ‘Like me’. Tonight’s date had by no means been the worst, but that wasn’t to say it hadn’t been a close-run thing. The girl was nice enough looking, and the first ten minutes had been promising. Then the topic turned to work, and the evening had gone downhill faster than the scary part of a rollercoaster ride. Bambi (yes, alright, the name should have forewarned him) worked at Chester Zoo. She smelled slightly of stale fish. Apparently her speciality was penguins. Now Larry knew far more about penguins than he’d ever wanted to – than any healthy, self-respecting member of the human race should ever have to! He had tried manfully to steer the topic in another direction. Then he had tried politely. That hadn’t worked. Neither had frantically, feverishly, desperately, ironically, rudely or loudly. In fact, Larry had ended up wondering why this girl wanted to date at all. Penguins were her first – her only – love. Then there had been the female body builder called Olga, who spoke only two dozen words of English, nearly all of them swear-words or threats. Before that had been… oh, let’s see… Kat, who, on their first date had confided a fantasy of getting him into bed with her twin, Geri. It had sounded quite delightful, until you realised that the twins were not identical and Geri was actually Gerry, a bisexual construction worker with teeth like the Bee Gees and body odour that could fell a moose at thirty paces. He could think of other dating disasters but, frankly, he didn’t want to. It was too exhausting and, at the moment, all he wanted to do was fall into his bed and sleep. He got up and headed towards the bedroom, shaking his head. “Why is it,” he asked, looking up at the ceiling, “that in a whole galaxy worth of women, I can’t find just one?” He lay back on the bed with a groan and shut his eyes. Maybe things would look better in the morning… ------- It wasn’t morning and things weren’t looking better. Larry woke suddenly as a burst of white light blinded him. There was an instant where he felt like he had been smashed into a thousand pieces and all of those pieces were being welded back together with a thousand blowtorches. Then it was over, almost as soon as it had begun. He blinked and blinked again, trying desperately to clear the supernova effect from his vision. Slowly, the world came into focus again. He wished it hadn’t. An instant after waking up, finding yourself in a standing position can be very disconcerting. Add to that the fact that you appear to be standing behind a thick, red curtain, on a featureless wooden floor that you’ve never seen before and… …you begin to wonder what the penguin-fancier slipped into your drink the night before. He took a deep breath and tried to steady himself. “It’s a dream,” he said. “Just a dream.” A voice spoke in his right ear. “You’re on.” He yelped and whirled around. What he saw made him yelp all over again. A six foot badger stood next to him, toting a clipboard and wearing a pair of extravagant shades in the shape of hearts. There was a gold pirate-earring clipped to one of its ears and it grinned at him, displaying far too many teeth for comfort. As he stared in disbelief, the red curtain rose. “You’re on,” spoke the husky voice again, and the badger gave him a shove forward. Larry stumbled onto a stage. Spotlights hit his wounded vision, dazzling him all over again. He looked around wildly, trying to find some way to rationalize this away. What he saw was equally strange. There was a semi-circular stage in front of him. The left half of it was partitioned off by another red curtain. A single barstool was placed close to the partition and that appeared to be the only prop. A woman (at least this one was human, Larry noted thankfully) with hair the colour of a glace cherry was beckoning him forward. She wore clashing colours and had the sort of grin that suggested one institution too many. “Come on, come on,” she screeched. “Sit down. Larry Cludge, welcome to…” A sonorous boom filled the air, as a bass voice addressed the auditorium. “…Intergalactic, inter-dimensional, intercourse (with any luck - just kidding, folks!) Buh-liiiiiind Date!” A horrible screeching rent the air. Larry could only presume that it was theme music of some sort. He felt panic creeping up on him and he looked around wildly for any way out. The audience was no help. From what he could make out, humans were in a minority. There was something that looked like a minotaur in the front row, a group of garden gnomes farther back and a six-armed creature with far too many eyes near the exit. Not to mention the security guard that looked like a cross between a hog and Barbara Cartland; he wasn’t going to cross that in a hurry! The stage exits to the rear and the side were populated with what he could only assume were technical crews. The equipment looked weird, but the people wielding it looked weirder. There was no obvious exit that way. For lack of any other option, he walked forward hesitantly and sat down. “Welcome Larry Cludge,” repeated the cherry-haired woman. “Tell us a bit about yerself.” “Well, I…” he stammered. “Fantastic, fantastic,” she enthused. “Now, behind this partition are three luverly ladies, all hangin’ on every word you say, my luv. You get to ask them three questions, then you decide which one’s gonna be the date of your life. I’m sure you’ll have a lorra fun.” Larry looked at her blankly. “So, my luv, what’s your first question for our three beauties?” Last edited by Shady Stoat on Mon May 22, 2006 12:01 pm; edited 28 times in total Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Oct 08, 2005 10:24 am    Post subject: Excellent "Well Cilla, do you mind if I call you Cilla? No...great. My first question for the lovely girls... I'm a human, and as such I always find humans are right for me. Are you human or if not, what are you? That goes to gorgeous girl number 1." Happy Writing. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Hyperion Guest Items Posted: Sat Oct 08, 2005 4:31 pm    Post subject: That... Is definitely... the only thing that I would be able toask in the situation, assuming I was over 40 with a receeding hairline. Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Oct 09, 2005 7:52 am    Post subject: Smee wrote: "Well Cilla, do you mind if I call you Cilla? The name's Brilla, chuck. Brilla Padd. Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2005 6:30 am    Post subject: Okay, it's not worth putting a poll up for a single question, so I'll go straight on from here. Next post will be up shortly. Thanks Smee and Hyperion Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2005 8:14 am    Post subject: Quote: "If cats looked like frogs, we'd realise what nasty, cruel little bastards they are" - Terry Pratchett ROFL - so true, but I love them anyway _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Hyperion Guest Items Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2005 3:07 pm    Post subject: Grrrr. I already said something about his sig... GET YER OWN! :wink: Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2005 7:22 pm    Post subject: Great start- What about: "How old are you? And in my perspective how old is that?" _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author The Powers That Be Respected Citizen Joined: 19 May 2005 Posts: 545 Location: Santa Monica, CA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2005 7:36 pm    Post subject: "Uh...um, where am I?" Larry stammered. "Who are you? What's going on here? How did..." "Whoa, slow down, loverboy! You ask one at a time, that's the rule. So we'll go with 'where am I?' What an...interesting question. Contestant 1, what do you say?" _________________ Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway! Got a problem? Write to Dear Dotty! Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 12:00 am    Post subject: <giggles> LOVIN' those questions, guys! I guess I'm not writing chapter two straight away then. I'll put the poll up later today. THanks for the contributions :biggrin: Back to top Author Hyperion Guest Items Posted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 3:10 am    Post subject: I ORDER you to post a second chapter! Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 3:14 am    Post subject: Hyperion wrote: I ORDER you to post a second chapter! Oh well, in that case... <starts marching towards the computer and the hancuffs> Hey, wait a minute, that wasn't an OFFICIAL order from {insert deity here} so I'm not gonna! Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 11:47 am    Post subject: Okay, votes are in. I'll be starting on chapter two shortly - and gods help us all! *whimper* Back to top Author HarmonyFaith Guest Items Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 2:37 pm    Post subject: Can't wait. :biggrin: Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 10:03 pm    Post subject: No God involved, It's all down to you, The problem will be solved, Then Larry will sue _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 10:06 pm    Post subject: Smee wrote: No God involved, It's all down to you, The problem will be solved, Then Larry will sue ROFL! Now who's not applying themselves to the next chapter? Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 10:15 pm    Post subject: Lol - I can't do any productive writing at 7:12am _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 3:29 am    Post subject: Ack! I'm getting here late, and the limericks have already started. *feels insecure again* Definitely like the beginning to this one, the possibilities. Guess I'll have to patiently await the next chapter to contribute... _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 3:59 am    Post subject: ethereal_fauna wrote: Definitely like the beginning to this one, the possibilities. Guess I'll have to patiently await the next chapter to contribute... Yeah. The possibilities. *glares at TPTB for suggesting the difficult option* Back to top Author The Powers That Be Respected Citizen Joined: 19 May 2005 Posts: 545 Location: Santa Monica, CA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 8:21 pm    Post subject: Shady Stoat wrote: Yeah. The possibilities. *glares at TPTB for suggesting the difficult option* *smiles innocently* You're welcome! *wanders off to stir up trouble in Shady's other storygames, but not before stopping off to collect an entirely undeserved 10 Fables* _________________ Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway! Got a problem? Write to Dear Dotty! Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 2:56 am    Post subject: Here's part two. Hope you like it, feel free to criticize... ----------- CHAPTER TWO: "Uh...um, where am I?" Larry stammered. "Who are you? What's going on here? How did..." "Whoa, slow down, loverboy! You ask one at a time, that's the rule. So we'll go with 'where am I?' What an...interesting question. Contestant 1, what do you say?" The impact of his current situation hit Larry suddenly, like a grand piano on the head. This wasn’t real. It was insane. He had to get out of here! His nerve broke. In one gazelle-like motion, he was off out of the chair and running. He barrelled into the winged creatures that were operating the stage machinery. His legs pumped with quasi-bionic bravado through a blue troglodyte tea-lady. He had no idea where he was going, but there was a sense of crazed euphoria firing his body. He might just make it out of here! He turned a corner at high speed… SLAM! He looked up at the ceiling. Somewhere along the line, he had gone from running to lying flat on his back, without having been aware of any of the stages in between. A face loomed over him. It was not the sort of countenance that reassured. It was a face full of teeth, with a wide, wide mouth and a horn above each ear. Paint it red and it would have looked like Satan with a flip-top head. Oh, and not to neglect the minor details – it was over seven feet tall and its torso must have been over two feet wide. The next time Larry saw a brick privy, he would have a point of comparison… The… thing… picked him up one-handed and trudged back to the stage with him. Larry flailed uselessly, but it was like trying to fight a wrecking ball. This particular wrecking ball didn’t seem to notice his struggles. Instead, it deposited him on the bar stool again, so hard that all the breath left Larry’s body. The presenter shook her head and lifted her eyes toward the heavens. “Great galloping gristle! Where do you people get these guests? I am a professional, people.” She delicately patted down the strand of hair that had fallen out of place. “Check my contract. I’m paid by the hour. Get it? MAKE-UP!!” A blue squirrel with a bee-hive wig scampered onto stage with a basket. She (Larry could only assume the gender) dumped the hamper on the floor, lifted out a small rodent and pointed it, butt-end first, at the presenter. Then the squirrel shook the rodent violently. After a few seconds of tortured squealing, the little creature began to emit a gas from its rear end. This the squirrel sprayed around the red-head’s hair. Nobody seemed to find anything remotely disturbing about this, nor about the way the squirrel squashed a tiny centipede in her fingers before applying it to the presenter’s lips. Larry found himself thinking about ‘beauty without cruelty’. After her touch-up, cherry-hair sighed and turned her attention back to Larry. Her voice became jovial-game-show-host again, resuming the original odd accent. “Congratulations, chuck. You’ve just earned yerself a sit in the comfy chair. All right, my darling?” She turned, gave a nod towards the back of the hall and gave him a bright asylum grin. Quicker than he could react to, the floor on either side of him peeled back to expose a pair of rising metal T-bars. They ascended to elbow height, nudging Larry’s arms into a resting position. His eyes had barely registered the metal clamps adjacent to his wrists before they clicked into place. He was locked in. HE WAS LOCKED IN!! He began to struggle, fighting the metal cuffs. The show host ignored him, calling out the placement of cameras, arguing with the producer, tutting and rolling her eyes and complaining about the violations in her union rights. “Looks like we’ve got a wriggler, Ms. Padd,” twittered a creature with green, rubbery skin. “What! Is everything my problem now? Just give him the injection, okay? And how many times have I told you – call me Brilla! It’s more friendly,” she snarled. “What?” shrieked Larry. With a monumental effort, he forced his voice out of the soprano register. “Wait! No! I’m fine… really… I’m fine.” He managed a grimace that might, in a dark room, have passed for a smile. Brilla Padd shrugged. “Hold the injection. Right. Everybody ready? We’ll take it again from the last line. Three… two… one… Contestant 1, what do you say?" “Wherrre arrre you?” A voice rolled sensuously from the other side of the curtain. “Well, I’d have to say… prrrecisely thirrrteen Earrrth feet and fourrr inches to my rrright. That’s not to say I wouldn’t enjoy getting closerrr…” There was something about the voice that made Larry wish his hands were unshackled and folded firmly in his lap. It spoke of syrup and honey and silk sheets – although, to be fair, it might also have spoken of stilettos and stockings and leather whips. From the other side of the divide, he heard a much lower voice mutter a single word. “Hussy!” The audience seemed to like this. They cheered and clapped. Then the way they said ‘Ooooh’ suggested that obscene gestures had been traded between contestants. “Contestant number two,” trilled Brilla. “Over to you.” It was the mutterer that replied this time. The accent was plum-in-the-mouth refined and she had a tone of voice that obviously was not used to being disagreed with. Larry was reminded uncomfortably of his fourth form Latin teacher, a woman with moustache problems and dresses that could have doubled as marquees. “My dear,” answered the woman. “The facts are these. You are compelled to ask a group of comparative strangers where you are. Furthermore, when faced with three desirable and interested females competing over you, that is the best question you can think of. Lastly, you are prepared to entertain certain thoughts about the highly dubious contestant number one. Where are you? It should be obvious. You are careening full-tilt down the path to mid-life crisis.” “Rrreally?” There was no mistaking contestant number one’s voice. “Then you two should be perrrfect company forrr each otherrr.” “Why, you little…” There was the sound of a slap. Then a yowl of pain. The next thing Larry heard was a series of thuds and crashes accompanied by shrieks, howls and language that he understood perfectly, even when it was spoken in an alien tongue. The partitioned wall shuddered as a heavy weight fell against it. There was a grunt, an oof, a long drawn out wail and the sound of two bodies hitting the floor. The next thing he saw was an iron helmet, soaring over the partition and onto the floor by his feet. It rolled like a dinner plate, landing with a dull cloing! Tufts of hair, fluff, fur and feathers drifted dreamily around the edges of the dividing wall, falling to the ground like very odd snowflakes. By the sound of it, the two ladies were having an all-out wrestling match. Larry hoped that the technical crew would either break it up, or raise the partition and supply the pit of custard. For the first time since he had got here, he felt his spirits begin to rise. These females really did seem desperate to be with him. Perhaps, for once in his life, he really was in with a chance. From the sounds of it, the stage-hands were managing to break the fight up. Larry noticed that they hadn’t stopped filming this bit. Why would they? This was Date-TV and Jerry Springer combined into one. The ratings must be going through the roof! Finally, the contestants were settled again. There was a lot of panting and muttering under the breath, but it subsided as Ms. Padd addressed the audience again. “Contestant number three – you’ve been very quiet over there, luv. What will your answer be?” “Where am I?” The voice was light and feminine, but curiously lacking in inflection. “I’m so glad you asked that question, Mr. Cludge. For did not the great poet Narkakakaka once postulate…” She groaned. There was an explosive noise, like a post-vindaloo bathroom visit, then she began to heave and retch. Larry attempted to leap to his feet in alarm, only to realise that he was still cuffed into immobility. It sounded like Contestant Number Three was being attacked by a chest-burster. It was only when the voice-over began its translation that Larry realised she was quoting alien poetry. He gaped, beyond words, as the translation rang out from above. “Oh, the trousers of my life…” “HNNNG! ARRRGHHH! GNIKK-ag-ag-ag….” “…are soiled with the skidmarks of my inglorious past…” “RoooIIIIIN! Hlup-hlup-SCHNNN…” (a brief pause for wheezing loudly) “...the combined stenches of the laundry basket have contaminated their purity…” “BLUUUuuRRT! PHHLLB! PHHLLBing!” “…and a mustard-yellow stain mars the crotch-piece…” “Schhnubl…” “…and yet…” “GRUug. PTAK! BRRRN! NEA-a-a-RZK!” “…they are far too comfortable to throw away, and the new pair may not fit…” Ms. Padd opened her mouth to interrupt, but the third voice had not finished yet. “And that, Mr. Cludge, is, as I see it, where you are. Of course if you prefer philosophy, the great speaker Blarongo once stated…” “…what I would prrreferrr is forrr you to shut up now.” Another scuffle ensued. Inexplicably, the aftermath involved both manicurists and mechanics to sort out the mess. Larry wondered whether he would get to choose a contestant at the end of it all – or whether he would simply be landed with the last one standing. The riot was under control. The audience watched with deep interest. Ms. Padd turned back to Larry, all smiles again. “You’ve heard the first answer, chuck. Now, what’s your second question?” Last edited by Shady Stoat on Sat Feb 11, 2006 8:04 am; edited 1 time in total Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 3:32 am    Post subject: ROFL, very good. I'm sat at work on my lunchbreak, looking suitably embarassed for the amount of laughing I'm doing at a computer screen. If it wasn't my lunchbreak I'm sure questions would be being asked as to the nature of my work. Larry, now securely stuck, and going nowhere, will have to focus for this second question. I think something along the lines of "Have you ever been to Earth? or Have you ever dated a human?" should be useful questions. If I come up with better ideas I'll be back _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 4:42 am    Post subject: Hilarious! You need to describe the look on the guy's face in painstaking detail, as I'm certain it's priceless. As far as what to ask next: these ladies sound not only eager, but a bit vicious as well. Need to find out their expectations. What quality do you appreciate most in a man? (and hope they answer virility-like every other man would) What exactly do you want from a relationship? (again hoping virility-like....well, you get the idea) ~or simply cut to the chase, and find out if any look do-able~ Could you describe what the contestant next to you looks like? How many appendages do you have and where are they located? _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author The Powers That Be Respected Citizen Joined: 19 May 2005 Posts: 545 Location: Santa Monica, CA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 8:27 pm    Post subject: A battle raged in Larry's head between his desire to be free and his, well, his desire. Option A: Freedom won out, but he didn't have any idea what to do about it. Then the thought came to him: maybe, just maybe... "Ok, my next question is, 'If you were shackled to a chair on a stage and forced to participate in a bizarre game show and really really needed to escape, what exactly would you do?'" Option B: Loneliness won out. What the hell, he thought, it couldn't possibly be worse than that date with the incontinent taxidermist. He glanced at the bright green fur that had been liberated in the fight earlier. But it would be nice to know what I'm getting myself into... "Ok, my next question is, 'Which member of the studio audience looks most like you?'" _________________ Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway! Got a problem? Write to Dear Dotty! Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 4:17 am    Post subject: Thanks for the support, guys. I'm glad you're enjoying it so far Ethereal, you're right. I sacrificed a lot of Larry's reactions for the sake of pacing - but it is his story after all, and he deserves a chance to react with suitable outrage. Chapter 3 will bring the focus back where it belongs, if I can manage it One more day for further suggestions, then I'll put a poll up again. *tame stoatish snuggles all around* Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 8:30 am    Post subject: *enjoys snuggles* An account of his facial reactions would be humorous at the very least, I'm sure. Although at this point he appears to be warming up to the idea, and maybe more than a little curious about the ladies that are interested in him. _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 8:20 pm    Post subject: The questions mentioned seem like good ones. _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 5:30 am    Post subject: Poll's up. 3 days to vote. Then Larry gets to suffer again Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 6:32 am    Post subject: While I do like the if you were shackled option, I don't see these fiesty ladies giving straightforward answers to that question, or Larry really expecting them to offer an easily executed solution for his escape. I chose to have him ask for descriptions. Again, the answers might not be altogether truthful, but he just might at least get some idea of what he's in for... _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 9:16 pm    Post subject: I voted for description _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Oct 23, 2005 10:53 pm    Post subject: Okay, the poll's finished - and so is the next chapter. Enjoy! CHAPTER THREE: A battle raged in Larry's head between his desire to be free and his, well, his desire. Loneliness won out. ‘What the hell’, he thought, ‘it couldn’t possibly be worse than that date with the incontinent taxidermist.’ He glanced at the bright green fur that had been liberated in the fight earlier. ‘But it would be nice to know what I’m getting myself into…’ He cleared his throat nervously. “Um… Could you describe what the contestant on your right looks like? That goes to contestant number… uh… two.” His eyes darted nervously from one member of the audience to another, hoping against hope that he wouldn’t end up with a date who looked like any of them. Imagine how he’d feel in the morning, waking up next to a hyena in a lime green knitted cardigan! Larry wrenched his thoughts away from that particular nightmare with a shudder. The second contestant was beginning to speak in her best Headmistress tones. “My dear, I cannot imagine why you would be interested in contestant number one. Not unless you enjoy the company of creatures that share their shade of colouration with mucus! Her speech impediment you are already, no doubt, aware of. I will pass that by, for now, and move straight onto her state of dress.” Larry’s eyes flicked nervously toward the partition. There was a soft hissing noise coming from a space behind it. A space precisely thirteen Earth feet and four inches away from himself, if he had to hazard a guess! It was either that or a gas leak, and at this point, Larry honestly didn’t know which one would be worse! The second contestant ignored the warning signs and continued blithely. “She sports stirrup-heeled boots in a shade of ginger that went out with the Brojean Empire. Her skirt – if you can call it that – is made of deathwing feathers and lace, in a look that can best be described as ‘economy class brothel’. And, my dear, I have to say it...” and here, she presumably turned to the snarling companion on her right, “… that colour of handkerchief – oh, do excuse me, I meant blouse – really does accentuate the mange in your fur…” “Why, I’ll scrrratch yourrr eyes out, you old…” “Ladies, ladies,” admonished Brilla, twinkling at the audience. “There’s no need to get violent… again! You wouldn’t want us to take… preventative measures…?” The audience hooted and applauded enthusiastically. There was a rumbling of heavy machinery and moving wheels from the hidden side of the stage. Larry noted that, although the audience was making a great deal of noise, the contestants had gone suddenly and remarkably quiet. That didn’t last long! “You keep that thing away from me!” Contestant number three’s voice was still curiously devoid of inflection, but her words and her volume certainly sounded alarmed. “Me too,” growled contestant one. Larry grimaced and took this opportunity to have a good tug at his shackles. Anything that could scare these females into submission was something he didn’t want within a hundred miles of him! After a few seconds, though, he gave up. The cuffs were solid and immovable. The only way he would get them off would be to finish this show and do everything these crazy aliens expected of him. Sawing his hands off at the wrists might be the more enjoyable option, but he didn’t have the tools available. He settled himself down as the audience got ready for the next contestant’s answer. “Contestant number one,” said Brilla, in a sing-song voice. “What’s your answer, my darling?” “As I have no-one on my rrright,” purred the sultry voice, “I guess I’ll have to descrrribe numberrr thrrree. All I can say is I hope you’rrre not expecting herrr to be a serrrious alterrrnative to me. She’s all angles and harrrd edges. Not a good looking inch on herrr entirrre frrrame. Now me – I’m soft and currrvy and absolutely divine to carrress. Not to mention my abilities as an acrrrobat and gymnast. I can move into positions that you’ve only everrr drrreamed of, loverrr boy. As forrr what I can do with my tongue…” “Ms. Padd,” interrupted contestant three. “I really must protest! This is supposed to be a description of me - not an opportunity for a narcissist with the brains of an inflatable sex-aid to sell her wares!” Brilla opened her mouth but was interrupted before she started. “You want me to say morrre about you? Verrry well. I’d rrrather have too small a brrrain than be nothing but one.” (For some reason, the audience appeared to think number one had scored a point here) “Oh… and yourrr nails could do with a polish. Not to mention yourrr nuts and bolts.” Whooping. Clapping. Laughing. The audience was having a splendid time. Larry could feel his face wrinkling up into an ever more worried grimace. Just what the hell was he getting himself into? “Contestant number three,” gushed Brilla. Larry glanced towards her – and would have leapt backwards out of his chair if he could. Before his very eyes, Brilla appeared to be melting! Her skin was fast becoming the consistency of treacle and all her features were slopping down into one great waxy blob. “Curtain!” yelled a voice from the back of the stage. “Cut!” A heavy black curtain severed the audience cleanly from the stage. “Now what?” huffed Brilla, from between melting lips. “How am I supposed to wrrbk bn…” She suddenly appeared to become aware of what was happening to her. Her head quirked sideways and got stuck at a jaunty angle. “Costumes!” The voice from backstage screeched. Before Larry’s horrified eyes, a team of squat creatures waddled out onto stage, carrying a stretcher. The tallest of them was only three feet high. They were green and warty skinned with antennae that were half as tall again as they were. The stretcher appeared to have some sort of mannequin resting supine on it. By now, Brilla resembled nothing more than an unbaked lump of bread with a cherry-coloured wig on top. The costume creatures surrounded her in a circle and began tugging her in all directions. Suddenly, Larry gave a rather-too-womanly shriek. Ms. Padd’s skin had split in three places. The creatures were peeling back the blubbery mess, tearing it off in great clumps. He stared, eyes bulging. Emerging from underneath the melting mess was a completely different creature. First there was a portion of mauve flesh around the left calf. Then an elbow became visible. A chin, a foot, a rather muscular abdomen, an elbow, a cheek full of stubble and a… Oh boy! Ms. Padd was a guy! Larry swallowed with an audible click. Somehow, he couldn’t stop staring. God, how he wished he could! “What’re you lookin’ at?” demanded the mauve human, in a deep bass voice full of gravel. “You try standin’ in a skin suit under the studio lights, if you think it’s so damn easy!” He turned to stage left and barked: “Somebody get me a cigar!” A small bird, rather like a purple parakeet, flew in with a cigar in its claws. The man snatched it with one callused hand (the cigar, not the bird), bit an end off it, spat the mouthful onto the stage floor and lit up. He inhaled deeply, closed his eyes and blew out the smoke. Meanwhile, the costume creatures were bustling about. They took what Larry now knew to be the Brilla suit off the stretcher. It slid onto the floor, wrinkling into folds, rather like a snake skin. ‘And to think,’ thought Larry, feeling sick, ‘I was considering charming Brilla into setting me free. I’d rather be in chains! Attached to an anchor! At the bottom of the sea!’ The cigar-chewing man took one final breathful of smoke, then stepped into the leg holes of the suit. The costume team winched it onto him, with many a squeak of latex against flesh. Finally, an instant before he took the cigar from the side of his mouth, they began to zip and clip. In a matter of seconds, he had disappeared, to be replaced by the host of the show. She whirled around, scanning the stage floor with her gaze, until she finally found the missing red wig. She jammed it onto her head then screamed for the squirrel in the make-up department again. Larry’s mouth was still hanging open when the curtain came up. Brilla ignored him and seamlessly took up the flow of the game. “Contestant number three,” she said, jauntily (and there was no trace of a gravely accent now – not one!). “How’s about your answer, chuck?” The feminine yet flavourless voice spoke from the far end of the stage. “Contestant number two is… well, I’m sure she’s a wonderful woman, really. What I mean to say is, personality can make up for so many other attributes that are missing, can’t they? I’m sure she’s a wonderful cook, by the look of her. Wasn’t it Madaraces the seventy-fourth who stated that beauty was more than skin deep? Oh yes, and he even backed it up with hard evidence. His vivisection experiments have become quite legendary on the Madaracean Homeworld...” There was a distinctly audible yawn from the other side of the partition. Larry got the feeling that participant number two was getting her own back without invoking the anti-scuffle siege weaponry. “Of course,” continued contestant three, “I wouldn’t expect everyone to appreciate a truly intellectual conversation. Contestant two, for example, would be too busy gnawing on whole roast oxen and downing quarts of beer to lower herself to something as tawdry as philosophy.” “And some people lack any passion whatsoever in their loins,” snapped the plumy voice of contestant two. “Or any sort of loins at all, for that matter!” “At least mine aren’t hidden by rolls of fat!” There was a clunk, as of a brick hitting a car roof. “Referee! Mr. Producer. Did you see that?” complained contestant three, sounding curiously smug for a voice with little intonation. “Completely unprovoked attack. I suggest a disqualification. No – not me – the queen of cutlery sitting next to me. I really must insist…” Larry’s head was reeling as he listened to them bicker back and forth. This all seemed totally surreal, as if he was in a drug-induced nightmare. If he was to get out of here, though, he would have to think of a third question; one which might decide his fate once and for all… Last edited by Shady Stoat on Sat Feb 11, 2006 8:05 am; edited 1 time in total Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 2:24 am    Post subject: Wooo Nice story! This is very original. Definately good stuff. Anyway, third question... Er... "How far would you go on the first date?" (Trust me to lower the tone) <giggles in a girlish fashion> _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 2:31 am    Post subject: Forget the third question, and proceed to gnawing at your wrists. If persistent enough, you won't need a bone saw to get out of the shackles. Failing that, ask what could you possibly say or do to get out of here and be returned safely to your home. _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 6:55 pm    Post subject: "How many times have you gone out with a human before?" "Would you be willing to marry me and follow me to earth?" _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author Hyperion Guest Items Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 4:46 pm    Post subject: I think I'll go with "IS THERE ANY WAY OUT OF HERE???" Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 12:19 am    Post subject: Some inventive answers to the problem of the third question! I'll give it another 24hrs, then put the poll options up. Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 8:12 am    Post subject: How do you keep sneaking these chapters in, and I miss them. *narrows eyes at "View new posts" link * Anyway, hilarious as usual. I once again make the mistake of reading stories in the humour section whilst at work. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm sold on no. 3 - I pick her Question number 3....hmmm. "How will you woo me on our first date?" Happy Writing. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author The Powers That Be Respected Citizen Joined: 19 May 2005 Posts: 545 Location: Santa Monica, CA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 8:30 am    Post subject: Larry racked his brain, trying to come up with a question that would help him get away from here. All thoughts of escape were driven away and replaced with terror when he noticed that one member of the studio audience looked just like a giant Black Widow spider. Escape was immediately replaced by self-preservation as the foremost thought in his mind. He blurted out the third question. "Have you ever killed, maimed or perhaps, um, *gulp* eaten one of your mates?" _________________ Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway! Got a problem? Write to Dear Dotty! Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 6:26 pm    Post subject: lol, that's a good one... _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 9:48 pm    Post subject: 3-day Poll again, everyone. Vote well, it's your last chance to help Larry out. After this he's got to pick one of those... ahem... beauties Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 2:37 am    Post subject: I went with the 'killed, maimed or eaten' question, simply because I can actually see him asking that next. _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 10:29 pm    Post subject: VOTE REMINDER! The poll is only up for 1 more day, and I'm in the bizarre position of having had 6 different people offer suggestions, and only 2 of them voting. And they've both voted for different things.... Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 10:49 pm    Post subject: Stupid! I voted, and then i realised I didn't even vote for my suggestion! Duh! _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Oct 29, 2005 12:34 am    Post subject: I hadn't missed a poll for once, and got in there early. I went for the idea I suggested - 'how would you woo me on a date'. Happy Writing. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Oct 29, 2005 10:40 pm    Post subject: It's a tie. I guess I'd better break this one, as Larry can't ask both questions. "How will you woo me?" is the more informative (and easier to write) question... ...but I can't help but think that Larry will be spineless and distracted again. So we're going with "Have you ever eaten a mate?" I'll get writing... Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Oct 30, 2005 2:48 am    Post subject: CHAPTER FOUR: Brilla beamed madly at Larry. He attempted to shy away, but those damn manacles were still holding him down. It was no good! The host of the show looked like Brilla, but Larry would never be able to forget that bristle-brush moustache, that shorter-than-short crewcut or those… He shuddered and almost missed what she said. Blinking to catch up, he caught the end of the sentence. “…third question to our ladies, my gorgeous?” Larry racked his brain, trying to come up with a question that would help him get away from here. All thoughts of escape were driven away and replaced with terror when he noticed that one member of the studio audience looked just like a giant Black Widow spider. Escape was immediately replaced by self-preservation as the foremost thought in his mind. He blurted out the third question. “Have you ever killed, maimed or perhaps, um, *gulp* eaten one of your mates?” “Good question,” said Brilla, with just a touch of admiration in her voice. She patted him on the shoulder (and his flesh consequently tried to crawl away from her touch). “That goes to our contestant number three.” “Eaten my mates?” The featureless voice still sounded a little upset that she hadn’t been able to bar contestant two from the competition last round. She quickly rallied, however. “Is this something you think about often, Mr. Cludge? Such notions are often the result of childhood trauma. Did somebody try to eat you when you were young?” “Er…. Err…” stammered Larry. Brilla snapped, “Contestant 3! No asking questions of Mr. Cludge. He’s the one who gets to ask – you’re the one who gets to answer.” She paused for a moment, straightened the ugly glare-lines from her face, and tottered right back into cheery-presenter mode. “My luv.” “Oh alright,” huffed the third voice. “In that case, my answer, Mr. Cludge, is no. I have never killed, eaten or maimed anyone – although in the case of the other two contestants, I have met my most severe temptation to date.” There was some ugly muttering from behind the partition, but the weapon-of-mass-revulsion still seemed to be keeping everyone on their best behaviour. No fighting erupted. Larry felt his heart begin to ease its frantic beating – a little. At least one of them wasn’t a psycho freak from hell. Then an unpleasant thought occurred. If she wasn’t a dropout, a sadist or a resident of the intergalactic funny-farm… then what was she doing participating in a show like this?! “Contestant number two,” sang Brilla, cheerfully. “Give us yer answer please.” “Well,” blustered number two, her rich voice pitched a little higher than usual. “That is a very odd question, I must say. A lady doesn’t like to be asked those sort of…” “What happened?” purred contestant one. “Did you land on them?” The audience cheered and stamped their feet (or various vaguely similar appendages, as appropriate). There was the scrape of a chair being pushed backwards suddenly, as if somebody had flown to their feet. “I didn’t… nobody ever proved… it was an accident… how did you know?” shrieked contestant two. Number one laughed, a throaty and spiteful sound. It was apparently the last straw. Again the partitioned wall quivered as something heavy and body-sized smacked into it. Sounds of pain and anguish and triumph roared through the air, melding with the audience shrieks of approval. Larry flinched, leaning away from the thuds and moans. Brilla looked stern and nodded to the stage crew. A moment later, gears began to grind from the other side of the stage. There was a clank-clank-glug and suddenly the screaming turned less primal and more… well… more soggy. It only took a second or two to see why. Water began to jet, in awesome quantities, under, over and around the sides of the partition. The front rows of the audience were soaked in seconds and it appeared that they weren’t even getting the main thrust of the jet. Larry sat. He watched the water run in small rivers between the gap in the partition and the stage floor. He felt a light spray of it in his hair, running icily down the back of his neck. He heard the spluttering entreaties of the contestants adjacent to him, and the whooping of the audience. They had a water-cannon. They were prepared to use it. They were insane! Maybe Brilla really was his only option – no matter how vomit-inducing he found the idea. He turned to her… and gave up on that notion immediately. Brilla had a look of intense satisfaction on her face, and appeared to be muttering to herself about the ratings. Damnit! He was here to stay! The stage was a mini-river by the time they turned off the hose. It took almost ten minutes to dry things out and get the now-subdued contestants a fresh makeover. Larry slumped in his chair the whole time, defeated. He’d come this far – how bad could the actual date be? A small tic began to play just beneath his left eye. Brilla assumed her cosiest voice again. “Contestant number one. Your turn. Have you ever killed, maimed or eaten one of your mates?” Contestant one replied, her voice like barbed silk. “Rrreally darrrling, you say it like it’s such a terrrrrible thing. Still, if it makes you feel betterrr, I will say this. I would only everrr kill, maim or eat a loverrr if they rrreally begged, my sweet toy. Only if they rrreally implorrred!” The contestant heard Larry’s gulp this time. The audience heard it. People on planets less than three light-years distant heard it! His libido wasn’t listening too well, however. Once again, he had cause to wish his hands were free. “Well, my luv,” said Brilla, cheerfully. “You’ve heard the complete set now. In a minute, we’ll be getting your answer… but first…” There was an expectant pause. The audience was silent – pretty much a unique event. “I’ll bet you’re all wondering what happened to yesterday’s happy couple?” asked Brilla, twinkling cheekily at the auditorium. A roar of approval seemed to substantiate her presumption. “Well, they’re right here, only a satellite screen away, ready to tell us. Are you ready?” Squawks, honks and hoots filled the room as the audience showed their enthusiasm in a variety of alien ways. “Okay, then. Timdra and Pyros, are you there?” A huge TV screen descended from the rafters, spanning the entire half of the stage directly behind where Larry sat. By craning his neck around, he could just about see. A beautiful silver-skinned young woman was sitting comfortably on a chaise longue. Next to her, curled around the seat and intertwined with her legs, sat a flame-red dragon. It was at least twenty feet long and its wings were furled snugly into its sides. It lay, apparently quite content, with its head in the silver girl’s lap. She stroked it happily. “It looks like you two chums really got on,” enthused Brilla with just the hint of a leer. “Brilla,” rumbled the dragon. “I really want to thank you. Timdra’s wonderful. I’ve never met anyone like her. She’s so soft… so delicate… and the date was a dream!” “Let’s see some pictures, chuck.” The screen began to show little set-up shots of a beautiful shoreline. Three suns shone down on a lilac beach, with purple waves crashing against the sands. A little further out, you could see a silver-skinned Timdra, attempting to crest the surf with a dragon-shaped surfboard. They seemed genuinely to be having a good time. Larry stared, his neck beginning to crick uncomfortably. Perhaps there was hope after all! He watched as other beach-shots passed by, each one more beautiful, more intimate than the last. He even ‘Aaah-ed’ unconsciously along with the audience when the cameras showed a chaste little kiss, planted by Timdra onto Pyros’ muzzle. “So… Timdra… did you have as much fun as you appeared to, my darling?” asked Brilla with a sly smile. “Oh, I’ll never never ever regret choosing Pyros,” proclaimed Timdra in a sweet, childlike voice. “You’ve made me the happiest girl in the whole wide galaxy, Ms. Padd. I’d completely given up on finding a decent guy. He’s sweet and caring and he doesn’t treat me like a piece of property. All my life I’ve been saving myself for someone exactly like dear, sweet Pyros!” Brilla tilted her head and gave a predatory smile. “You mean you’ve never…?” The dragon’s eyes, which had been lazily closed, suddenly blinked open. Timdra smiled sweetly. “I’ve been waiting for the right…” she ran a light caress across the dragon’s ear. It quivered, alertly. “…for the right dragon. I can see that now.” She continued, oblivious to the fact that Pyros was running a long tongue across his teeth. “The others were just dalliances. Just boys. But Pyros – he’s magnificent. So regal. So protective. I really think I could…” She trailed off, realising that Pyros had lifted his head from her lap. The audience gasped as they saw the puddle of saliva that had pooled in the silver girl’s skirt. “A virgin,” breathed Pyros. “I thought they were extinct.” Timdra backed away from the drooling dragon. “But… but darling… we had such a good time. Don’t you want me any more?” “Want you?” Pyros advanced on her, an avid gleam in his eyes. “Of course I want you. I’m ravenous!” Timdra let out a little-girl scream, which was cut off abruptly as the screen went blank. “Ah, well,” Brilla prattled gaily. “It seems like our two lovebirds want a bit of time to… ah… get better acquainted.” Larry fainted. At least, he presumed afterwards that he must have. There could be no other possible reason for him waking up to a four-armed ghoul pouring a bucket of water over him. He celebrated his return to consciousness by screaming hysterically and rocking back and forth on the chair. Then somebody jabbed a needle into his neck. Everything suddenly started to look pink and rosy and comfortable. All three Brillas swayed gently back and forth in front of him. Such a nice woman – all three of her. She was saying something. The sound came as if from a great distance, but he understood her perfectly. “Now, Loverboy. Which contestant do you want to go on your very own perfect date with? Here’s a reminder, just for you, chuck.” The voice-over started up again. “Will you pick contestant number one, who can do things with her tongue that will make you beg to be eaten! Or will it be contestant number two, who has a wonderful personality and is a real heavyweight in the love department. Or will you pick number three? She wouldn’t harm a fly – but you should see the state of her trousers! It’s up to you, Larry Cludge!” Larry smiled through his haze of thick, pink fog. The audience were shouting numbers at him. One. Two. Three. Two. Three. One. Small scuffles were developing, where neighbouring members of the audience disagreed. He knew the time had come. All he had to do was pick a number and he would be let out of the shackles. But which one? Last edited by Shady Stoat on Sat Feb 11, 2006 8:07 am; edited 1 time in total Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Oct 30, 2005 4:16 am    Post subject: Option 3 seems the 'safest!' _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Oct 30, 2005 9:03 am    Post subject: Go for number 2. She doesn't sound like she could run very fast if you need to get away. _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Oct 30, 2005 10:12 am    Post subject: ROFL - the 'recap' is very good - exactly right. "Choose a number, ooh numbers...which shall I choose. " Larry is babbling until suddenly a vision appears out of the audience. Long blonde hair and succulent skin it is by far the most attractive alien he's seen yet. A long, slender finger is held high to the sky as soft lips whisper "NUMBER ONE" so casually. Lost in the haze Larry starts mouthing the words with her. "What's that Chuck - you choose number 1. We have a winner..." Happy Writing. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Oct 30, 2005 11:23 am    Post subject: That was good, I liked the draogn thing. I pick number 1. Although she sounds like a were-wolf, its better than a brain and rolls of fat. _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 11:00 pm    Post subject: Okay, since every available option (beyond the completely bizarre) has been picked, I think it's time to put up the poll on this one. Vote well... for Larry's sake! Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Nov 01, 2005 1:40 am    Post subject: Voted, I did. _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2005 8:11 pm    Post subject: Go number 1! _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author The Powers That Be Respected Citizen Joined: 19 May 2005 Posts: 545 Location: Santa Monica, CA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2005 9:52 pm    Post subject: Wonderful. This is truly a difficult choice. Ok, there, I voted. _________________ Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway! Got a problem? Write to Dear Dotty! Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2005 10:36 pm    Post subject: Yeah - number 1 is winning. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Hyperion Guest Items Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2005 11:07 pm    Post subject: Let's see... Contestant three appears to be intelligent and half-avian... contestant two is an extremely large, fat immersed brain... and contestant one is covered in fur but is apparently irresistable. Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Nov 03, 2005 7:21 pm    Post subject: I bet all the guys voted for number 1 _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author The Powers That Be Respected Citizen Joined: 19 May 2005 Posts: 545 Location: Santa Monica, CA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Nov 03, 2005 7:37 pm    Post subject: D-Lotus wrote: I bet all the guys voted for number 1 When you assume, you make an...oh, wait. Never mind. _________________ Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway! Got a problem? Write to Dear Dotty! Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Nov 03, 2005 7:52 pm    Post subject: This calls for a thread in the Market place...."Who bets (and how much) all the guys voted on 1?" _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author Hyperion Guest Items Posted: Thu Nov 03, 2005 10:22 pm    Post subject: I'll bet one thousand fables that they didn't. Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Nov 03, 2005 11:12 pm    Post subject: Congratulations! We have a winner! Contestant number one, step forward please... *starts writing* Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Nov 03, 2005 11:22 pm    Post subject: I'm not sure if New Storygames completing the 5 chapters and finishing qualify for the archives and the fable reward. But I think in this case it should definately happen. Ooh you'll be so RICH _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Nov 03, 2005 11:24 pm    Post subject: Whaddya mean!!?? They've got to go on the date yet!!! I reckon about nine chapters in all Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 2:21 am    Post subject: Excellent. I was just preparing myself for the worst. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Ingrothechundyer Guest Items Posted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 5:41 pm    Post subject: Looking foward to the next chaper This story is extreamly funny Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Nov 04, 2005 9:31 pm    Post subject: I think they actually go to the archives, but not to the hall of fame. Strange Green is in the archives, even though it never even finished. _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 2:42 am    Post subject: You picked contestant number one. Deary deary me... CHAPTER FIVE: Larry giggled and mumbled to himself. “Numbers… numbersnumbersnumbers... rhymes with… weyyyll, nothing really… nothing… that’s a number, thazza number ‘ndeed-i-o…” He babbled on, incoherently. “I think you gave him too high a dose!” Brilla snarled at the stage-hand from the corner of her mouth. Larry watched her, amazed that she could synchronize all three pairs of lips so perfectly. “My luv, you need to choose a contestant. One, two or three. Say one, two or three!” “One, two or three,” Larry repeated, smiling a mad smile. “I said it. Didn’I jus’ say it?” A moment later, another icy cold bucket of water landed in his face. It failed to clear the candy floss in his mind, but something resembling clarity peeped through the mist. “Oh. Right.” His head weaved in little circles as he tried to consider the problem. “Which shall I choose?” He stared out at the scuffling crowd until his unfocused gaze centred on… her! A vision of loveliness was standing at the back of the arena. Long blonde hair, succulent skin, a beautiful pair of… knees. He had never seen anything so ravishing in his life! She was human. Beautifully, wonderfully, gorgeously human. A long, slender finger was held high to the sky. Her soft lips framed the words, “NUMBER ONE”, time and time again. Lost in his drug-induced haze Larry started to mouth the words with her. “What's that Chuck? You choose Number One? We have a winner…” The screech-yowl-blart! theme music began to play again. It completely failed to drown out the sound of the three contestants. One was protesting, one was hurling insults and the third was screaming like a banshee whose toe had just been trodden on. It was an excited sort of screaming, though. Larry smiled dopily. Someone was happy. That was nice. Brilla was all smiles now. “Well, Larry Cludge. It’s time for you to meet the two that you let go. Come out, Contestant Number… Two!” Larry barely noticed the shackles unhooking themselves from his wrists. He did, however, notice that the bar-stool rose suddenly, kicking him upright. Just as he staggered past the point of vertical, Ms. Padd caught him with an arm around the shoulders. He stood there, swaying happily in a chorus line of Brilla, Brilla, Brilla and him. Then contestant two walked around the partition. She filled Larry’s vision. Triple Brilla was one thing… but this?! A short woman stood before him. She was barely five feet tall and she was almost as wide. Two brown plaits were braided on either side of her rotund face. Her cheeks were rosy, her lips pursed up in disapproval. There was a suggestion of muscle beneath the flab, like a female version of a sumo wrestler. Flesh bulged around her clothing, which could best be described as… Valkyrie?? Viking?? Some unutterable hybrid of the two? She wore a winged metal helmet with gold trim. It had been rammed, slightly askew, atop her head. Obviously replaced in a hurry after one of the inter-contestant skirmishes. A rigid leather halter held her modesty intact (barely), with two cones that could have doubled as wigams. She framed her massive hips with a tassled contraption of leather, buckles and chains. It fitted somewhere between the category of lingerie and chastity belt. By no stretch of the imagination could it be described as modest – even with the thigh length suede boots that rose implausibly high on the legs. Add to this a royal blue fur-lined cloak, and a belt and scabbard (the sword was mysteriously missing, most likely due to one of the more intelligent stage-hands), and you had the complete picture. Whether you liked it or not. Larry’s head was beginning to clear. With clarity came the thought that this woman could probably break him like an after-dinner mint! Involuntarily he took a step back as she confronted him, inches from his face. “You could have had me, Mr. Cludge.” She rebuked him, in her rich alto voice. “I’m twice the woman that number one is!” “I’msureyouare! I’m sure you are!” nodded Larry, his voice cracking with barely suppressed panic. Brilla flashed her trademark grin at the audience again. “Never fear, Brunhelda! Nobody leaves the show empty-handed. Allow us to present you with…” She lifted her eyes expectantly to the voice-over. It seemed happy to accommodate. “Brunhelda Vojen. You have won your very own home-liposuction kit! Thank you for playing ‘Intergalactic, Inter-dimensional Buh-liiiiiind Date’!” The purple parakeet flew onto stage again, carrying what looked suspiciously like a vacuum-cleaner attachment and a scalpel. It dropped them on the stage floor, at Brunhelda’s leather-booted feet. A grin started to spread over Larry’s face. It died a quick and horrible death as Brunhelda turned to glare at him. “Ingratitude!” she spat and, pausing only to pick up her prizes, she stalked off, stage-right. Larry let out a gasp of relief. It was short lived. “Come out, contestant number… three!” Another figure walked out onto Larry’s half of the stage. For a moment, Larry wondered whether he was hallucinating. He shook his head. No. His imagination wasn’t that vivid! The thing facing him was human-shaped, but that was as far as it went. Everything below the neckline was mechanical. A thousand comparisons flashed through Larry’s mind. C3PO. Metal Mickey. Robbie the Robot. Contestant number three’s body looked like a reject from a 60’s Sci-Fi B-Movie! With one notable difference. All of those robots had a face! Contestant three’s head was just this: a glass jar full of liquid, and a large, floating brain. Different coloured wires protruded from pinprick holes in the jar, terminating at different points in the robotic neck and spinal column. Strangely enough, lights flashed along the length of each wire, contributing to the low-budget Hollywood effect. It – she - clanked as she walked towards him. With the drugs wearing off, Larry was beginning to feel frightened again. Was the best yet to come? Or had the worst been saved until last? With Brilla’s steel grip around his shoulders, he was forced to remain motionless, while the rejected contestant drew close enough to bump her jar against his cheek in the parody of a kiss. “It’s not too late,” whispered the feminine voice from the speaker below the jar. “Huh?” Larry’s eyes widened. “You can change your mind, Mr. Cludge. It’s in the rules. The decision is not final or binding until the final rejectee walks off the stage.” “I… I…” stammered Larry, with a rabbit-in-the-headlights look on his face. “Never mind, Titania. Nobody leaves the show empty-ha…” “He hasn’t decided yet,” Number Three interrupted. She turned back to Larry and her voice came through more forcefully. “You. Haven’t. Decided. Yet.” Larry’s gaze flicked frantically between Brilla and Titania. His indecision was not helped by an angry hissing noise, coming from the other side of the partition. Brilla tried once more. “Nobody leaves the show empty-handed, Titania. We ha…” “Just say it. Only you have the final choice,” Titania cautioned him, her voice pitching louder as she saw Brilla nod at the technical crew again. “Say ‘number three’. Say you’ve changed your mind. They can’t stop you – JUST SAY IIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii…” The contestant’s entreaties trailed into a draw-out wail as a trap-door opened underneath her feet. Larry stared, his mouth hanging open, as the brain-droid disappeared downwards. She seemed to fall for rather a long time. Eventually, there was a distant thump, and a prolonged groaning. “But you won’t go home empty-handed either, Titania,” said Brilla, speaking over the distant moans of contestant three. “You’ll be taking with you…” Again with the voice-over. “Titania Gulfanite. You have won this quality personal-lubrication kit. We hope you enjoyed your time on ‘Intergalactic, Inter-dimensional Buh-liiiiiind Date’!” The purple parakeet again did its trick for the audience. This time it appeared to be holding a can in its beak. Larry gaped. It looked suspiciously like WD40 to him. He shook his head, dizzily. Okay, so the stuff got everywhere – but off-world? Impossible! Right on cue, the bird dropped its package, right down the trap-door. It dropped like… like an oil-can. There was a distinctive tinkle, as of broken glass, when it landed. Curiously enough, the sounds from the bottom of the trap-door ceased at that point as well. Larry was trembling. He began to wish that someone would give him another nice injection. It was not to be. Brilla turned to him, her face wrinkling up into manic lines. “Are you ready to meet your dream date, chuck?” He opened and closed his mouth but no words would come out. “Well, heeeeere she is. Contestant number one!” Finally, the partition rose. “Hello loverrr.” Larry’s eyes drank in every detail as if they might be his last. Six feet and two inches of two-legged lioness stood before him. Her fur was the same shade of emerald that had been liberated in the first scuffle. Larry thought he could see a few fist-sized patches of baldness here and there, obviously where contestants two and three had been on a winning streak. She had a mane of lustrous white hair, running over her ears and down her back, and limpid amber eyes. The type of eyes that a cat would melt your heart with… just before it clawed your hand off. He felt dwarfed until he noticed the height of the heels in her orange stiletto boots. By the time he’d noticed the boots, though, his attention was drawn to the spurs on the inside of each ankle. He shuddered, even as something went ‘pyoioioiinnnng’ inside him. His gaze travelled up those supple limbs to find a mustard yellow skirt, made of feathers and lace, but mostly of air. It was more of a suggestion of a skirt than a skirt itself. The blouse was a purple halter-bodice of eye-blinding sequinned material. What it lacked in volume, it certainly made up for in sheer spangle-value. It just went to show – bad taste really could come in large, deadly, powerful packages. And proverbs like that could get you killed, thought Larry. His legs were trembling so much, he thought they might give way. Contestant two flashed him a smile, and he felt an unaccountable urge to find the nearest tree and climb into it. She slinked up to him and ran a single claw over his quivering cheek. “Oh, Misterrr Cludge,” she breathed. “We’rrre going to have such a glorrrious date.” “Mu… bwu… d-d-d-d…” managed Larry. “Larry Cludge, meet Suki Marrauwl,” said Brilla. Larry could feel her fingers digging into his shoulder so hard they were virtually scraping the bone. “You’ve won a dream date of your choice, my two lovebirds. Now… what sort of outing would the two of you enjoy, hmm? Activity? Pampering? Or Seeing the Sights?” A hamster stage-hand came scurrying out with a tray, and held it to Brilla. Looking at it, Larry could see that there were three brown envelopes laid upon it. One had a silhouette depiction of two people seemingly beating each other up with sandbags. The second had one silhouette lying down and (presumably) getting a massage from another, much more troll-like figure, and the third was a shadow-drawing of two figures, hand-in-hand, watching an exploding volcano from a nearby vista. “Which of you is going to choose?” asked Brilla, beaming madly. “Yourrr choice, darrrling,” purred Suki. “But… I… no, you can ch-choose,” he stammered. “Rrrreally. Pick one.” “I really d-don’t mind.” Larry tried to lean away from the tray and all the consequences it implied. “Pick one!!” Ms. Marrauwl hissed and, grabbing the tray from the hamster, dug it into Larry’s midriff. Quaking with fear, he considered his options… Last edited by Shady Stoat on Sat Feb 11, 2006 8:08 am; edited 4 times in total Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 2:55 am    Post subject: Excellent. Poor Larry, but I think he got the best option - although probably with some pain involved. Let's stay away from anything that might involve fighting her, he'll definately lose. The troll massage sounds just as painful but from a different source. Go for option number 3 and remember not to ask her to eat him. Happy Writing. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Ingrothechundyer Guest Items Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 6:03 am    Post subject: That was hilarious Option three for me Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 7:40 am    Post subject: He shoulda went for the fat lady... Go for the activity. At least the picture on that suggested being armed with sandbags. If he's to be the wielder of sand, that's better than not having anything at all to smack her with. _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2005 8:13 am    Post subject: ROFL! Go Fauna! Go Fauna! Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Nov 07, 2005 8:55 pm    Post subject: Nah, option three. All the 'things' were pretty creepy. Are you sure we can't run away with the blonde? _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Nov 10, 2005 12:07 am    Post subject: The poll's going up some time tomorrow. 3 days as usual. I'll be moving house in a week, so it's anyone's bet if I'll get the next chapter done in time or not. Sorry for any possible delays, but it might give the story time to mature... or decompose, I'm not sure! Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Nov 10, 2005 7:47 pm    Post subject: Don't pressure yourself, you've already done enough! _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Nov 10, 2005 11:46 pm    Post subject: Poll polled. Three days to vote, starting from..... NOW! Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Nov 10, 2005 11:52 pm    Post subject: Volcano for me Happy House moving. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Nov 11, 2005 3:22 am    Post subject: I voted for the sand bags...errr, the activity. Yeah. _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author Hyperion Guest Items Posted: Fri Nov 11, 2005 6:05 am    Post subject: I think sandbags as well. *echoes Fauna* Watching a volcano explode at CLOSE RANGE... no. Having a massage by a TROLL... no. I've tried it. Back to top Author Ingrothechundyer Guest Items Posted: Fri Nov 11, 2005 6:12 am    Post subject: Sight Seeing Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Nov 11, 2005 7:00 pm    Post subject: It don't HAVE to be a volcaoe, its jusy a symbollic thing for sight seeing. Not a very adequate symbol, but a symbol nevertheless and not necessarily the place they have to go to.. _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Nov 12, 2005 4:06 am    Post subject: I'm joining the Volcano party!! _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Hyperion Guest Items Posted: Sat Nov 12, 2005 7:42 am    Post subject: In this case, it is indeed a volcano. Along with all the others, unfortunately. Stoat is very good with details. Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Nov 12, 2005 9:54 pm    Post subject: You never know for sure the authors intent! _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Nov 13, 2005 2:50 am    Post subject: D-Lotus wrote: You never know for sure the authors intent! I do Just to settle the argument, they're meant to be metaphors You don't really think I'd tell you what was going in advance, do you? Back to top Author Hyperion Guest Items Posted: Sun Nov 13, 2005 4:03 am    Post subject: Metaphorical volcanoes and trolls. Interesting. I dread to know what they really are then, if you compare them to those two... Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 3:27 am    Post subject: It seems the volcano won explosively Sight-seeing it is. I should have this one up soon. It's going well (so far!). Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 7:45 am    Post subject: I've written the next chapter of Best of Three. I can't post it, though, because of the tiny text in Hyperion's mail. Once it's sorted, you'll get chapter six in all its inglory. Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 10:14 am    Post subject: So can we have the next chapter now _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Last edited by Smee on Mon Nov 14, 2005 10:28 am; edited 1 time in total Back to top Author Random Guest Items Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 10:28 am    Post subject: Hyperion, I deleted your post as it was causing the page to go all kittywhompas on us. All is normal in the Sanitarium once again. Please conitnue to skip your meds and enjoy life through the delirium. Last edited by Random on Mon Nov 14, 2005 11:00 am; edited 1 time in total Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 10:30 am    Post subject: You wanted sight-seeing? You got it! CHAPTER SIX Larry looked at the envelopes. He could feel sweat trickling down the sides of his cheek. Images of Pyros and Timdra danced in front of his vision, and he wondered if the dragon had bothered to cook his food before eating it. Oh god! He didn’t want to die! He racked his brains for the safest option. It had to be pampering. He was dealing with an overgrown cat here, for goodness sake! What better way to soften her up than to put her through a regime of stroking and massaging, grooming and beautifying, hot springs and mud-baths… The last two brought him to a screaming halt. Not pampering then. Activity? He shuddered, imagining the sort of activities that an overgrown carnivore might have in mind. She’d said that she wouldn’t kill, maim or eat one of her mates… but she hadn’t made the same promise about one of her dates! His shaking hand hovered over the envelopes… and then swooped down on the third one. Sight-seeing. How bad could it be? He forced himself not to answer that question. “Let’s open the envelope and find out where you’re going, my loves,” said Brilla, twinkling at the crowd. For a moment, Larry hoped that she would release her grip on his shoulder, so he could get the hell out of here. All she did, though, was look at him expectantly, then nod towards the envelope. He slumped in resignation. Taking the paper from its wrapping, he slid it into his sweating palms. “Well?” purred Suki. “Rrread it out, darrrling.” Larry squeaked. Then he cleared his throat and began again. “A… a trip to the… to the Living Lands of… uhh… D’oz?” he stammered. “Thaaaaat’s right!” boomed the voice-over, oozing fake jollity. “Larry Cludge and Suki Marrauwl, you have chosen to visit the spectacular world of D’oz. While you’re there, you will see the wonders of the Singing Forest; and why not take a boat ride in Waterspray Lagoon? You can sample the local delicacies, have fun in the sun and even…” (the voice became grotesquely suggestive, much to Larry’s discomfort), “sample the spectacular night life of this popular tourist world. No expense will be paid to make this into a truly memorable Buh-liiiiiiiind Date!” The crowd applauded in a hysterical frenzy. Larry, searching for any speck of comfort, looked to the back of the audience where the spectacular blonde had been. There was no sign of her, and he wondered if he had hallucinated the whole thing. A moment later, he was dragged into the wings by a group of stage-hands with pink wings. He was relieved to see Suki being dragged in the opposite direction. Not that she was the worst of the three by any means. In fact, he could quite like her, if he could be sure of ending the date with his usual number of limbs, all in their usual places. Right now, though, he needed some time to himself, to relax and figure out what was going on, to meditate on the best solution to his current problems, to get his head around this whole freakish set of events, to… It was not going to happen. The winged technicians dumped him firmly in front of the giant badger again. She was still carrying the clipboard and she still wore the shades. The pirate earring, however, was gone in favour of a large, dangling pom-pom in pink. It looked like she was wearing a granny-slipper on the side of her head. “Good evening Mr. Cludge,” she said, briskly. “We need to get you ready for your date. Now – have you any requirements? Next of kin to inform? Wills to write? Special allergies, any lurking health problems you want us to know about? No? Well then, off to the costume department with you. They’ll sort you out. Goodbye Mr. Cludge… and good luck.” She nodded to flip-top Satan who, with a jaw-and-a-half worth of grin, advanced on Larry. This time, Larry knew better than to fight him. Numb with resignation, he followed in the enormous creature’s wake. They trudged through narrow backstage corridors, twisting and turning back on themselves until Larry’s sense of direction had gone completely. Not that it mattered, of course. Even SatNav wasn’t going to help him get back home this time! Finally, Satan-head pushed open a bright red door and shoved Larry in through it. He stumbled, hearing the catch click firmly closed behind him. Then he looked around. The costume department. He should have expected it! There were two doors leading out – one behind him, one directly opposite. There were racks of material, all hanging from wire trolleys. There were tubes and sprays and bottles of brightly coloured liquids. There was also what looked like a screaming human figure, encased in a block of crystal, right in the middle of the floor. Around it, burbling like a trio of drunken mermaids, were three green warty antennae-headed creatures. The same three, no doubt, that had attended to Brilla and her melting problem Larry attempted to carve his way through the door with his shoulder-blades. “Nonono!” he gabbled. “You don’t understand. I don’t need anything. I’m fine. Really. No costumes! Please!” He didn’t know what they had planned – but after seeing Brilla’s ‘change of clothes’, he knew it couldn’t be anything good! “I’m fine,” he repeated, looking desperately down at his plaid pyjamas. “These are just…” It was too late. The creatures were upon him. Arms and hands reached out. He tried to brush them away, but there were too many to keep track of. They pulled and tugged and unbuttoned, while Larry protested and squirmed and evaded. All it would have needed was an Oom-Pah Band, and it could have passed for the world’s slowest Bavarian Folk Dance, as Larry retreated around the room, slapping hands and clutching the ever-diminishing remains of his clothing. All the time, the creatures burbled to themselves, eating the torn pieces of pyjama as they came free. Finally, Larry came to a halt, realising that the last bastion of defence was gone. He was clutching the final piece of plaid material, and it was smaller than a postcard! He threw it down on the floor, hands thrown out in surrender. “Okay, okay! You win! Just don’t put me in a bodysuit.” The creatures went into a three-way burble again. Then one of them squelched over to the other door. A warty hand enclosed the handle and tugged. Larry turned around and gaped. A raven-haired female stood framed in the doorway. She was tall, angular, beautiful. At least, she would have been, if not for the extra eye and the sabre-teeth. Exquisitely coiffeured and elegantly dressed, she held a pair of large steel scissors in her hands. She looked him up and down, appraisingly. Then she looked him up and down again. “Oh ffnnno,” she snorted, lisping through her tusks. “Fffthat just won’t fffdo.” She flexed her scissors, making a sharp ‘snip-snip’ noise. “It’ll ffnnhave to go.” Larry’s nerve snapped. He whirled and made a dash for the opposite door. At least that was the plan. What actually happened was this: He turned, caught his foot on one of the warty antenna-heads, curved in a graceful arc through the air, flailed, managed a perfect one-point landing on the flat of his jaw… …and for a countless time, saw nothing but stars… ---------- Stars. Larry opened his eyes, his vision wavering groggily. He was sitting in a leather seat, strapped tightly around the waist and chest (now why wasn’t that surprising?). There was a wide glass panel, straight ahead. It looked out on a black sky littered with stars. He felt strangely weightless, as he watched the stars slowly recede. His jaw hurt. Exactly how much time had passed since he… since the scissors had… Larry squeaked in remembrance. His hands quickly explored various parts of himself, looking for any additions or subtractions to his body’s inventory. His heart descended from his throat as he realised very little had changed. Strangely, he appeared to have more hair now. A full head of it, in fact. It was moulded stiffly into place with some sort of hair gel or spray (he shuddered as he considered the gaseous rodent from make-up), but it felt good. He only hoped they wouldn’t take it all back at the end of the show. Then he realised he should be more concerned with whether he made it to the end of the show! He looked down at the clothes they had dressed him in. A Hawaiian-style shirt -presumably this was universal for all tourists everywhere – and a pair of tackle-tight canvas shorts. Brown socks and hairy leather sandals. Not good, but it could have been much worse. He began to relax… then a green furry paw landed on his bare knee. He lurched against the restraining straps and jerked his head around to the side. Suki was sitting beside him, similarly strapped down. She stared at him from luminous amber eyes. “Wakey wakey, loverrr,” she purred. “We’rrre nearrrly therrre.” “Uhhh,” said Larry, stupidly. He could feel the light pressure of her claws on his lower thigh. He could feel a tighter pressure elsewhere. “See,” she said, pointing behind them to the gap in the seats. Larry craned his head around. The front of the space shuttle lay just behind them. It was unmanned, although there were lots of blinky lights on a wide console. Through the front window, he could see an orange and green planet, filling most of the screen and expanding fast. “Arrren’t you excited, Misterrr Cludge? Orrr should I call you Larrry?” Her hand inched a tad higher. “Excited. Yeah.” He managed, gulping. Terrified was more like it, but some instinct warned him that it would be foolish to say that to a cat. A moment later, the pod started to decelerate. Gravity dragged at them as the entered the atmosphere of the planet. There was heat, weight, noise, pressure… and finally a jolt as the ship landed. “We’rrre herrre,” husked the feline, taking a sharp claw to the restraining straps and slicing them neatly. Larry hurried with the buckles on his bindings, just in case Suki decided to hand out the same treatment to him. The lioness stood up and offered a paw to Larry. Seeing no obvious alternative, he took it and they walked to the shuttle door together. It opened as they approached, and a number of glassy steps unfolded to the ground. Larry stepped out of the pod and stared like the most Japanese Japanese-tourist ever! It was incredible! The sky was a dusky orange, bathed in the light of a massive red sun. The ground was the cracked orange of badly-baked terracotta, except for a few areas lush with glowing yellow-green grass. To the left of them, in the distance, was a lilac-leafed treeline. To the right, a set of buildings that looked like they had been designed with Grimm’s fairytales in mind. Unfortunately, it hadn’t quite worked. The effects ranged from ‘The Bank of Gingerland’ to ‘The Woodcutter’s Cottage-osoft Inc.’. Directly ahead was a welcoming committee. Ignoring, for the moment, the raft of technicians, prop-carriers, directors and camera pixies, the committee was four-strong. It consisted of a large brown bear walking on its back legs (and attempting to pick its nose with a large claw), a dwarf dressed in red velvet with a cap that even the class dunce wouldn’t be seen dead in, a large, rotund man with a florid face and, behind the three of them… The blonde??? There she was, knees and all! She was dressed in a white fake-princess outfit (complete with paste and tinfoil crown) and carrying a tray of refreshments. She seemed not to notice him as she picked and rearranged at the bite-sized treats before her. “Welcome, welcome, my little lovebirds,” said the fat man. His face lit in a jovial beam. “This is your very special day on D’oz. We hope you’ll have a good time, and don’t forget…” He pointed behind them to a previously unnoticed set of levitating cameras. “There’ll be sixty-three trillion people watching, so you’d better justify their license fees. Otherwise, we just might have to…” he made a quick slashing motion in front of his throat. “…cut you off.” Larry’s eyes were open so wide that he could virtually see into the back of his skull. What was that supposed to mean? “Now – where would you like to go next, you little rascals,” chuckled the tour supervisor. “You have the choice of…” Horrible tinny music started playing softly behind them. “…the Singing Forests… Waterspray Lagoon… a Tour of the Village of D’oz… or refreshments at the Café Rejectus.” “Let’s go to the forrrest,” rumbled his date, putting a heavy paw on Larry’s shoulder. “Forrrests always make me feel so… mmmm... alive.” She fixed him with burning eyes. Larry opened his mouth, not sure what he was going to say… Last edited by Shady Stoat on Sat Feb 11, 2006 8:09 am; edited 1 time in total Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 10:37 am    Post subject: Hit the cafe first. Maybe she'll be more docile with a full belly. Then you can sneak away while she takes her 12 hour nap. _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 11:32 am    Post subject: Yeah, and maybe you can talk to that blonde while she's sleeping. Anyway, the Cafe seems a prety safe place. _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 1:09 pm    Post subject: Quote: Anyway, the Cafe seems a prety safe place. Unless Larry is on the menu Go for the Singing Forest, maybe it'll make her fall asleep. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Key King Joined: 08 Feb 2004 Posts: 2652 Location: The Royal Palace Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2005 2:40 pm    Post subject: I wouldn't disagree with Suki if I were Larry. Go to the forest. Back to top Author Hyperion Guest Items Posted: Tue Nov 15, 2005 3:19 am    Post subject: Mhm. I think that a sleeping Suki is a good Suki. If you have a dangerous feline around, you don't leave it NEAR you... Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 9:30 pm    Post subject: Now that I think of it, Larry doesn't have much will to say: NO, lets go to the cafe. He'd probably just go along with the cat thing. _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 12:37 pm    Post subject: There's a 3 day poll up. Vote now, vote later, I don't care - just vote Back to top Author The Powers That Be Respected Citizen Joined: 19 May 2005 Posts: 545 Location: Santa Monica, CA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2005 6:19 pm    Post subject: I voted for the cafe. Perhaps the blonde will be there, and perhaps there'll be a chance to talk. _________________ Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway! Got a problem? Write to Dear Dotty! Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Nov 20, 2005 5:25 pm    Post subject: I think this blonde is the key to the story. _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 12:39 pm    Post subject: The voters have spoken. Larry and Suki will be enjoying refreshments at the Cafe Rejectus. *starts scribbling...* Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 12:44 pm    Post subject: Quote: Be a Stoat: The world needs more Stoats That seems familiar _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 12:47 pm    Post subject: Smee wrote: Quote: Be a Stoat: The world needs more Stoats That seems familiar Just checking if you were still paying attention... *toothy grin* Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 1:13 pm    Post subject: I'm as alert as ever. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 7:10 pm    Post subject: What was that all about? _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 11:48 pm    Post subject: D-Lotus wrote: What was that all about? I was between sigs. so I decided to put "Be a stoat: the world needs more stoats" (in direct competition to Smee's current sig.) It took the great Smee-Slug less than 10 minutes to spot it. So, in answer to your question - nothing much, really Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 8:36 am    Post subject: The Cafe Rejectus... as ordered CHAPTER SEVEN It was the knees that decided him. He cleared his throat and tried to smile winningly at Suki. “Ahh… why don’t we have something to eat first?” he said, with all the fake brightness of children’s TV presenter. “You must be hungry after all that… all that… err… competing earlier.” He had been intending to say ‘all that fighting’. Thinking about it, however, he didn’t want to reawaken Suki’s competitive streak. Not when there was a chance of him getting closer to the blonde. Somehow, her image was locked firmly into his head; the way she looked, the way her hair glinted in the light, the way she moved… Maybe it was something to do with the fact that she was less than four paces away from him. He tried not to look too closely – or at least not to allow Suki to observe him looking too closely. He needn’t have worried. Suki was gazing straight at the fake log cabin that was ‘The Café Rejectus’. Her eyes narrowed as she considered… then finally she nodded her head. “Yes,” she purred. “Let’s go and eat. Afterrr all, we’rrre going to need to keep ourrr strrrength up. Forrr laterrr.” Larry’s heart gave an uncomfortable lurch as he considered the meaning of those words. Still, concentrating on the ‘now’ seemed to be a good survival strategy. It had got him this far, hadn’t it? Random muscles began to dance in his cheek again. The ‘Mayor’ (as Larry had begun to think of the fat man) smiled jovially. “Walk this way,” he said, and began to waddle towards the café. Larry ignored the insane urge to imitate the Mayor’s rolling gait, and instead tried to keep his eyes from wandering to the blonde’s derriere as it swayed sensually from side to side, ahead of him. All too soon, though, the walk was over. The Mayor gestured the two of them inside. Larry and Suki stepped into an idyllic wood-beamed lodge. It had chairs, tables and counters carved from great stumps of lilac-tinted trees. There was a delicate golden leaf effect, painted over the wood-plank floor, like a mosaic. Large square windows let in the red-gold light from outside, and the smell of tree-sap mingled with tasty aromas of baking bread and meat. That was the good part. At this point, it all started to go horribly wrong. Cages lined the walls, running from floor to ceiling. Each one was full of animals; a different species in each cage. Squirrels, weasels, tiny little puppy dogs, something wormlike and slimy that filled almost an entire cage of its own. Every creature appeared to have something wrong with it. Too many arms, not enough heads, a sense of balance that would make a drunkard blush, a tail three times as long as the rest of the body put together. Mouths (where there were mouths) opened and closed in silent bleats, baa-s, chitters, squeaks and barks. The fact that no sound emerged made Larry feel quite queasy. He wondered what atrocities – beyond the obvious ones, of course – had been performed on these innocent creatures. Suki, on the other hand, looked around with gleaming eyes. “Ahh,” she breathed. “Good choice, Larrry.” For a moment, Larry did a good impression of the caged animals. His mouth opened and shut, but he failed to make a sound. With difficulty, he unglued his eyes from the bizarre creatures and focussed on his bizarre date instead. What he saw did not reassure him. The cat was looking far too predatory for comfort! A four-foot high sylph, wearing the kind of pink dress normally seen at a five-year-old’s birthday party, saw them to their seats. “Welcome to the Café Rejectus we hope you enjoy your time here,” said the Sylph, in one rapid sentence, her voice as sweet and high-pitched as a piccolo. “Can I get you something to drink?” A drink, thought Larry. Oh yeah, definitely! “Could we have some… some wine, please?” he asked. The sylph took a deep breath. “Certainly, Sir. We’ve got… “White wine, bright wine, red wine, dead wine, green wine, spleen wine, peppermint-cream wine, elderberry, elderflower, lotusflower, crocusflower and goldenshower wine, we’ve got goat wine, stoat wine, burn-down-your-throat wine, house wine and grouse wine, moose wine, spruce wine, fat-fairy-juice wine, we’ve got fine wine and pine wine, dandywine and brandywine, bug wine, slug wine, slug slime…” A large green paw batted the sylph effortlessly backwards, where she landed on a very solid-looking table. She uttered a high-pitched bleat and fluttered upright, shimmying her shoulders to try and unkink her wings. “Give us something interrresting,” said Suki, coolly. “And some food. I’m starrrving.” “Certainly, Madam,” began the Sylph, tremulously. “We have…” “I’ll have some squirrrrrrel,” growled the lioness, flexing her claws with a threatening ‘schnick’. “A good choice, Madam,” squeaked the Sylph. “Would you care to choose your meal?” Suki’s eyes darted to the squirrel cage. She followed the movements of the little rodents, a playful smile curling her features. “I’ll have… that one. And that one, too. Just heat them until they wrrrriggle, then brrring them strrraight overrr,” she purred. “And you, Sir?” The waitress turned polite attention to Larry. He felt as green as Suki’s fur. He’d never even been able to face eating lobster when the restaurants had them in tanks. Even trout made him uncomfortable, with the way it stared at him on the plate! Once he was sure he could speak without throwing up, he asked: “Have you… have you got a vegetarian option?” The Sylph tilted her head, doubtfully. “We have, Sir, but…” Larry swallowed. “I’ll take it.” “But Sir, there are many better…” “I don’t want anything better. I just want something…” he swallowed. “…safe.” “If Sir is sure? Blachart eggs are rather an acquired taste, Sir, and if…” “Look – just get me the damned eggs, okay?” snapped Larry, wiping a greasy sheen of sweat from his brow. “As Sir wishes.” The Sylph curtsied and fluttered away. “Ooooh, Larrry,” breathed Suki, leaning over the table towards him. “I do enjoy it when you’rrre forrrceful.” “You do?” Larry’s eyebrows raised up into his brand-new thatch of hair. She smiled, not entirely pleasantly. “Gives me something to worrrk on, loverrr-boy.” Larry tried to digest that. It gave him heartburn. He changed the subject, attempting small-talk while his eyes scanned the room for any traces of the blonde beauty. “So… Suki… how did you get involved in the show?” She brushed a clawed paw through her thick mane of hair. “I enterrred, of courrrse. The prrrogrrram is verrry popularrr on my worrrld. And besides, I thought it would do me good to get some morrre experrrience with rrrelationships.” “You… don’t… have… experience with relationships?” Larry asked, cautiously. “Forrr my worrrld, I’m considerrred extrrremely prrrudish,” answered the cat. “Barrrely fifty mates in the last yearrr – and some of them only once. At a time.” Larry managed to choke on his own saliva. While he was spluttering and struggling for breath, the blonde chose that moment to reappear. She held a dark brown bottle and two glasses in her slim fingers. Her gaze flicked flirtatiously at him, from under lowered eyelids. She bent over the table in her tacky princess outfit, almost, but not quite, staying inside it. After pulling the cork from the bottle (with enough jiggling to make Larry’s eyes pop), she poured a darkish amber liquid into the glasses, flashed a coy smile and wandered away again. His head turned to watch her go. Suddenly, there was a sharp agony in his calf. “Oh, I’m sorrrry,” Suki apologised with a glint in her eye. “Did I catch you with my spurrrs, darrrling?” “I… uhh… ahh…” “Cheerrrrs.” The lioness lifted one of the delicate glasses in her paw, chinking it against Larry’s glass. Still wheezing for breath, Larry hastened to return his attention to where it should be. He lifted the glass, wiped his streaming eyes and took a sip. Then he promptly spat it out again. “Yeeuurghh!” he shuddered. “What is this stuff? Tastes like cat pi… like… ahh… like really bad wine,” he finished, lamely. Suki’s eyes narrowed. Her mouth opened slightly, revealing teeth that glinted and pointed just a little too much. Larry held his breath. Fortunately, one of the camera orbs chose this moment to attempt a close-up. Distracted, the feline turned and batted the floating disk away. It swooped back immediately, and she swiped again. Larry watched, wondering what the audience were making of this show. Watching kittens with balls of string was all very well, as long as you weren’t playing the part of the ball of string! The camera-ball apparently didn’t know when to quit. There were at least five visible dents in it by the time the food arrived. Once again, the blonde princess came out to serve it. At this point, Suki decided that some things were more important than shiny silver cameras. Larry got no opportunity to stare at blonde hair or perfect knees as the plates were set before them. He looked instead at the food. It could have been worse, he supposed. The squirrels were, at least dead. Yes, they still had all their fur. Yes, their eyes were still in the process of glazing over. Yes, he thought he could still see one of the forepaws twitching… but it could have been worse. Larry quickly turned his attention from the rodents before they could begin to stare at him. His own dish looked rather appetising. There was a mound of what looked like scrambled eggs in a pale blue colour, with dark brown crusty bread beside it. Long white strings of vegetable matter looked, if not appealing, then at least edible. He hesitated, then tucked in. Whatever happened, it couldn’t be worse than the wine! A smile snuck onto his face. This was good! With the waitress talking about ‘an acquired taste’, he had expected to be munching on something that tasted like an overripe armpit – but no. The eggs were tangy yet delicate, the bean-like vegetables were a crunchy delight and the bread tasted like it had been fresh-baked minutes ago. Together, they melted his taste-buds into a quivering mass of delight. Suki, on the other hand, looked slightly disappointed in her meal. She poked the squirrels once or twice, just to make sure that they weren’t going to do anything interesting. Then, without much enthusiasm, she began to tear chunks of meat off the corpses with her claws. It was only when she was halfway through the first one that she seemed to find a new enjoyment in eating. As she tore through the rest of the first squirrel, she waved a paw at the Sylph. “Bring me ‘nother,” she munched, cracking bones with her powerful jaws. “’n fact – bring me two more. ‘nks.” Larry began to feel a little more hopeful. If she stuffed her belly full of food, maybe she would sleep for a while. Maybe he could take the chance to talk with the mysterious blonde in her absence. Or maybe she was simply storing energy for the rest of the day’s activities. He slumped again. The meal was interrupted at this point, by an elvish-looking man, carrying a violin. His slanty eyes smouldered as he tucked the instrument under his chin and began to play. Somebody drew the curtains and lit candles, leaving Larry feeling vaguely ridiculous. From the position of the sun, he was guessing that this was lunchtime, and he was not feeling in the least romantic. The elf continued, oblivious. He circled the table, swooping forward to address his music first to the cat, then to the human. He swayed, he danced, he leered at each of them in turn. It was very off-putting. Suki seemed to agree. “Do you play rrrequests?” she asked in a low purr. The elf smiled flirtatiously. His fingers flew as he answered, “For you, loveliness, anything.” “Then go play somewherrre else.” “Sorry, my sweet. No can do. They’re using this as one of the photo-shots,” replied the elf, flicking his long fingers over the strings. Suki watched the strings thoughtfully. “The thing about strrring instrrruments,” she announced conversationally to Larry, “is the materrrial from which they make the strrrings.” Her movements were a blur. There was a per-twang, a ripping of fabric, an ‘oof’ and a long drawn-out elvish wail. “Catgut.” She finished, watching the elf hobble away, doubled over in pain. Larry winced. He was sure that a violin should never be used in that way. It would certainly never sound the same again, even if it could be extracted! She flashed him another cat smile. “And now, if you’ll excuse me, I should find the ladies’ grrrooming rrroom.” She rose gracefully from her seat and headed towards a screened alcove at the far end of the restaurant. Before the door had swung shut behind her, Larry was already looking for his mystery girl. He saw a flash of blonde hair disappearing into the kitchens. With one more nervous glance toward the bathroom door, Larry rose from his seat. He went over to the serving counter and peered over it to the kitchen doorway. From the little of the room he could see, there was no sign of her. “Hello?” he called out, in a voice that simultaneously tried to be loud and quiet. “Can I ‘elp you?” A stranger came to stand in the kitchen doorway. He was an old man with a stooped back. Bent over as he was, he stood barely five feet high. Grease seemed to swim off his skin, and his face was a mass of boils, pimples, moles and warts. Four thin strands of hair were teased over his scalp in the ultimate baldy comb-over. His clothes looked like they had been borrowed from a local vagrant and there was a strange smell of cabbage about him. “Err… err…” stammered Larry. “I was looking for… well… the girl with the blonde hair?” “The one with the knees?” asked the old man, shrewdly. “Yes! Yes, that’s the one!” “She’s fillin’ in ‘ere. What do you want with ‘er?” the man peered at him suspiciously. Larry hesitated a moment. Then he decided on the honest approach. There was no time for anything else. “I… err… I want to get to know her better. She seems… nice, I don’t know. I just hoped I could meet her. Talk to her a bit. Maybe, when this date is over, we could…” “Ah.” The old man gave a measured nod. “I see. Well, the girls don’t usually fraternize with the customers – but seeing as she an’ you are only ‘ere for the day – I don’t s’pose it’d do no ‘arm.” He raised his voice to a nasal shriek. “XANDARA! SOME BLOKE ‘ERE WANTS TO GET YOUR NUMBER!” “Rrrrrreally?” From the way Suki’s ‘R’s were rolling, Larry knew instantly that he was in trouble. He whirled around, and she was less than eight inches behind him. He gulped. “Forrrget the second courrrse of squirrrrels,” snapped the cat as her claws dug into Larry’s forearm. “It’s time to get on with the date, loverrr.” Before he could utter a word of protest, he was dragged out into the alien sunshine again. The welcoming committee stood exactly where they had been. It was almost as if no time had passed. Only Larry’s queasy digestion attested to his visit to the café. That, and Suki’s newly resentful disposition. “I hope you two enjoyed your meal,” said the Mayor with twinkling smile. “Now then – what’s next for our special guests? The Forest? The Lagoon? The Village? Or would you like to take in a show?” Last edited by Shady Stoat on Sat Feb 11, 2006 8:10 am; edited 1 time in total Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 9:21 am    Post subject: Excellent - he at least managed to eat something, and found out the blonde's name. Things are looking up. Where next ...? It's got to be the show. A crowded place, concentration on the stage etc should leave little opportunity for anything else to happen. Of course he'll have to persuade Suki to go for it. Happy Writing. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 8:00 pm    Post subject: I agree, anything that demands Suki's attention is good for Larry. Go for the show. _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 3:16 am    Post subject: She just might get the impression that he is ignoring what she wants to do (which would be correct, but not necessarily healthy to reveal). Maybe suggest a quick trip to a shop, preferably one where he could purchase a kevlar vest, and then let her decide where to go. _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 7:50 am    Post subject: Gotta be the show, says I! _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Nov 25, 2005 7:22 pm    Post subject: Nice avatar, Chinaren. When's the poll up? _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Nov 25, 2005 11:20 pm    Post subject: By popular request... (well, one person asked, anyway)... the poll's going up. 3 days, as usual. Votes please... Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Nov 26, 2005 11:27 am    Post subject: I voted for the show. Lets hope its entertaining. _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Nov 28, 2005 11:42 pm    Post subject: Aaaaand they're going to the forest. Penultimate chapter coming up - as soon as I've written it. Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 9:13 am    Post subject: The Singing Forest Chapter. Chapter Eight Larry considered his options. He had got as far as ruling out Waterspray Lagoon (putting a cat near that much water seemed akin to cooking with hot fat in a nudist colony) when Suki took matters into her own paws. “We want to go to the Forrrest.” Her claws bit further into his forearm. “Rrright?” Larry managed a confirmation, eyes watering in pain. “Marvellous,” beamed the Mayor. “You’ll love it there. Everyone loves the Singing Forest. This way please.” Suki’s good humour seemed magically restored. She withdrew her painful grip on his arm and slipped a large, furry paw around his shoulders instead. Larry walked at her side, reflecting that he hadn’t dated anyone so tall since the agency had matched him up with Svetlana, the Czechoslovakian tightrope-walker. A great looker, and her fetish for danger had started off rather exciting. At the end, though, she had set him up to be caught with her, in flagrante delicto, by a man who had claimed to be her fiancé. Ten minutes of being dangled naked by the ankles from a fourth storey window had proved too much ‘excitement’ for Larry. He had quit while he was still ahead. While he still had a head, anyway. Now he found himself looking back on Svetlana with fond nostalgia. Asked to choose between that date and this, he had no doubts about his answer. “Czeck, please!” That said, there was something tantalizing about the way Suki’s hip was moving against his as she sauntered along by his side. She certainly was beautiful. So was an avalanche, when viewed from a distance. It was only when you were standing in its path that you failed to appreciate its true wonder. Talking of paths, they were headed on a yellow-tinted lane, straight towards the lilac treeline. Larry couldn’t help but wonder what he was going to do for a whole afternoon, surrounded by nothing but trees and Suki. No doubt she would think of something. That was what worried him. The little path finally wound its way to the edge of the forest. “Well, we’re here,” said the Mayor, unnecessarily. “Enjoy your afternoon, we’ll be waiting at the other edge of the forest for you. Keep the paths in sight. We wouldn’t want you to get lost.” “Fat chance,” muttered Larry, glancing at the bobbing cameras that surrounded them. Suki merely looked at him with gleaming eyes. “Let’s go,” she said with avarice in her voice. Larry was herded into the forest at a brisk trot. He looked around. It was easy to see, at first glance, why the Singing Forest had become so popular with tourists. A sweet scent of blossom filled the air, and white flowers paved the forest floor, like confetti. Bark and leaf were pale lilac, soothing on the eyes and calming to the soul. The sun’s warm red light dappled the fairytale scene, flickering like a fireside flame against the tree trunks and the bushes alike. Little creatures watched them from the distance, well away from the path. Birds nested in the budding branches. It was as peaceful, as tranquil as a place of worship. “Perrrfect,” murmured Suki. Larry’s face lit up in a smile of agreement. A moment later, the atmosphere was shattered. “Squirrrrels!” the cat yowled, springing from the path to chase after the little tree-dwellers. She was disconcertingly fast, breaking through the undergrowth as if it were nothing more than cobwebs. The forest-dwellers broke ranks as the cat hurtled towards them. Bunnies headed for their holes, birds flew shrieking into the air and the squirrels ran up the lilac treetrunks, heading for the thin branches near the sky-line. Larry stared after her, aghast. So much for staying on the path – and so much for the Singing Forest. In a few more moments, it was going to be the Screaming Forest – or at least certain of its denizens were! He watched as Suki launched herself up into one of the trees. Her claws dug into the bark and she scaled its heights as nimbly as any backyard moggie. Wherever the squirrel leapt, she pursued. Her green fur stood out in stark contrast to the ethereal shades of the forest and, from what Larry could see, her face was lit up in predatory ecstasy. Little by little, she gained on the little rodent as it dodged and weaved between branches and behind leaves. Finally, with a screaming snarl, Suki wrapped a paw around her struggling prey and squeezed it until its eyes bulged. Obviously delighted with her new prize, she dropped lightly to the ground and sauntered towards Larry. He watched her approach, feeling stirrings of sympathy for the helpless animal in the cat’s grip. Much more unsettling were the stirrings of arousal in him as he watched Suki’s swaggering approach. Her thick white mane billowed out behind her. Her tail swayed in opposing rhythm to her hips. Her eyes were alight with the fire of the chase. She had been right – the forest did make her seem more alive! He could barely take his eyes off her – until he noticed that one of their following cameras was zooming in for a close-up of his shorts. In a creditable imitation of Suki’s restaurant scene, he slammed it away with his fist. It resumed its tracking of his face. Even so, the moment was broken. Now that Suki was near, he felt only revulsion as she sunk her teeth into squirrel neck, and chewed and cracked her way into its skull. “Want some?” she asked, holding out the remainder of the corpse to him. Larry closed his eyes, his face scrunched up in disgust. Blood was still spurting from the hole where the squirrel’s head should be. “We should…” He held back a retch and tried again. “We should keep to the path. They said so.” A single claw ran through Larry’s brown-ginger hair. “Perrrhaps,” she said, licking a speck of squirrel-brain from her whiskers. “Perrrhaps not. They only advised us to keep the path in ourrr sights. Besides, my sense of dirrrection is nearrr perrrfect. We can go anywherrre we like. As deep as we like.” Her words sent fresh shivers through him. Again, Larry felt himself rising to the occasion. What was wrong with him? Surely he wasn’t so tired of life that he could actually consider getting… closer… to a talking lioness? He couldn’t actually be thinking of… right here in the forest… with all those cameras… Whoa Nelly! Time to get through this forest, as quickly as possible! “The path,” he managed in a strangled voice. Then he turned, not waiting for her to disagree, and strode quickly along the white-blossomed lane. “You know yourrr prrroblem?” purred a silky voice as a paw landed on his shoulder again. “You pay too much attention to the rrrules.” “Oh, go chase a squirrel!” he snapped, far too tense in more ways than one. Suki’s smiled crookedly. “If you insist, loverrr.” In a single gesture, she crammed the remains of the first poor beast into her mouth and detached herself from Larry. Then she was off, bounding through the glades and dells, searching for her next kill. Larry tried to care and found that he couldn’t. Anything that kept her away from him was good news right now. He was so busy trying to keep Suki in sight that he almost missed the first notice-board. It was made of the familiar lilac-wood. Set a little back from the path, it stood on a plinth at the height of his shoulder. Four feet wide and three high, it seemed to be full of gibberish heiroglyphs and pictures of trees. As he stared at it, though, the symbols rearranged themselves into well-patterned English, as if by magic. Mouth hanging open in surprise, Larry read the contents of the message: Welcome, weary traveller, to the Singing Forests. This area has been declared a Zone of Industrial and Residential Restriction since the Great Tree Revolt of BIA3112. Visitors are reminded: No axes, no matches, no flammable substances, no singing, no mechanical music-making devices of any kind and no littering. Furthermore, visitors will refrain from making prejudicial remarks to trees based on height, colour or leaf-formation. Thank you for your attention. Enjoy the Singing Forests of D’oz. Larry rubbed at his eyes. It didn’t help. The message remained the same. The great tree revolt? What was that supposed to mean? Were the trees supposed to be alive, then? Well, of course, all trees were alive… but… surely they couldn’t be serious? What could the trees do if you insulted their (he blinked and re-read the section) leaf-formations, anyway? He shook his head slowly before walking on. Better not to tell Suki about the trees. She was just the type to try insulting one, for no other reason than to satisfy her curiosity. Those squirrels were certainly keeping her busy, anyway. She was happily ignoring the plethora of wildlife inhabiting the rest of the forest. Apparently, if it didn’t have a bushy tail and a store of nuts for the winter, it wasn’t worth chasing. From time to time, Larry saw Suki dashing across the path, pursuing one of the ill-fated rodents. She was an emerald streak of energy in the otherwise tranquil landscape. Larry wished he could get rid of his own energy so easily. He was buzzing with inner tension. Maybe it was simple fear of the unknown. Maybe it was delayed reaction to the series of shocks he had endured in the last twenty-four hours. Maybe it was frustration in not being able to get Xandara’s number, or maybe it was because of his ambivalence about Suki. He couldn’t figure any of it out. For the first time since this nightmare had started, he was more or less in control. He had a chance to think – to get his head straight – and all he could think about dark amber cat-eyes and perfect knees! The next notice-board came into view. After the last one, he wasn’t sure he wanted to look. Finally, deciding that what you didn’t know could very well maim you horribly, he ran his eyes over the strange hieroglyphs again. The words re-formed magically, just as they had done before. This time the writing was much smaller and more than a dozen small pictures littered the message-space. The title read: ‘The Fauna of D’oz, Part I’. Larry started reading the first paragraph when his eye was drawn towards one portrait in particular. It was a miniature representation of a squirrel. It looked exactly like the ones that Suki was hunting in the forest, not like the deformed specimens at the café. Larry shuddered and wondered, not for the first time, what diabolical machinations lay behind the chocolate-box façade of this world. On the other hand, he was probably better off not knowing… He skimmed down to the paragraph about the squirrels and began to read: The Yomyom squirrel was first imported into D’oz more than fifty standard years ago. Since that time it has flourished, especially in the more wooded and mountainous regions of the planet. A typical female Yomyom has between twenty and thirty young in a single mating cycle. If it were not for their unique flavour, they would long ago have been classified a Planetary Pest (class II). As it is, they are a vital part of the D’oz economy. Yomyom hunting, Yomyom harvesting, Yomyom cuisine and Yomyom exports have become extremely lucrative in recent years. Visit the Café Rejectus and try one. Only then will you understand the motto: “Yomyoms. One is never enough.” (Warning: the Yomyom squirrel can be highly addictive to some species. Please consult your physician if you begin to experience obsessive behaviour, hallucinations, withdrawal symptoms, paranoia or psychotic behaviour) Larry squinted to read the small-print. Incredibly, he felt a reluctant grin forming. He had expected a singing forest and got nothing more than an expanse of trees. He had expected a date and ended up on a squirrel hunt. For once, it seemed like Suki had got the raw end of the deal, and not him. Or should that be the raw end of the squirrel? He laughed aloud. Since he had arrived on the show, he had tried to do everything they had asked of him. Answer the questions. Pick a date. Pick an envelope. Stick to the path. What was the point? They were going to get him in the end, one way or another. Feeling more alive than he had in years, he began to sprint after an emerald-furred goddess of the forest. Time to go hunt some squirrels! At the bottom of the page, left unread, was a picture of a bright yellow gooselike creature. The paragraph beside it read: The Blachart. Extremely evil-minded and territorial, this bird is a menace to the unwary traveller of D’oz. It treats anything within its space as a potential foe or a potential mate. This includes trees, all species of animal smaller than a bear, people and, in one documented case, an electric fence. Despite the Blachart’s unpleasant disposition, it is the galaxy’s most highly-sexed creature. Its exploits are legendary, and its eggs are highly sought after, being one of the best-known aphrodisiacs ever discovered. The D’oz corporation takes no responsibility for the consequences of any encounters with Blacharts or their eggs. They are not liable for compensation on issues including: loss of limbs, loss of clothing, loss of sanity, loss of spousal privileges or loss of dignity. You have been warned! -------- Larry laughed and shouted. He hurdled roots and scattered leaves as he ran. There was a fire blazing inside him; an energy that would not be tamed. He wanted to whoop and leap and chase and be chased. He wanted to lie down on the forest floor, cover himself with the white blossoms and write drunken poetry. He wanted to hit something and kiss something, preferably at the same time. His thoughts writhed between white mane and blonde hair as he lingered on the notion of what he really wanted. His heart pounded and sweat dripped from him, unheeded in the thrilling buzz of the moment. As Suki pounced from one tree branch to the next, Larry paced her on the forest floor. The path was forgotten, the air was ripe with adrenaline and hormones. When the lioness finally caught her prey, she brought it to Larry, half-smiling, half-snarling. He ripped it, still squealing, from her long claws. Then he grabbed a handful of mane and pulled her into a savage kiss, tasting cat-heat and squirrel blood on her tongue and teeth. It all went downhill from there… -------- Wow! Ow! Larry lay on the forest floor, his body a yammering mass of pain. He had puncture marks he couldn’t even remember getting! There were scratches and bites and blood… and not all of it was his. His clothes were either shredded or strewn around the forest clearing, hanging from a variety of shrubs and branches. Every muscle ached. Even his eardrums ached – but that was probably due more to the combined screaming and caterwauling that they had been forced to endure. He wondered how long he and Suki had… been at it? All time sense had disappeared into a deep red haze of lust and pain. And pleasure. Mustn’t forget pleasure. He watched the cat as she casually licked blood from her claws. All he could say was: if she was prudish for one of her race, then a normal feline would probably have killed him! But what a way to go… He groaned as he looked up at the fast darkening sky above. Their entire afternoon was gone and it was swiftly turning into evening. Any time now, they would be expected to emerge from the Forest and on to – well, who knew what? No help for it. He was going to have to move. His body moaned a thousand protests at him as he rose from the bed of white blossom and started looking around for his clothes. Suki watched him through slanted eyes. “What – finished alrrready?” she purred. Larry ignored her, choosing to believe that she was joking. She’d better be, anyway! He hobbled over to where one of his horrible sandals hung from a lilac branch. Ignoring the creaks and protests from his aching body, he retrieved it and put it on. Then he looked around for the rest. The shirt was a write-off. What was left of it hung in tatters over his chest and arms, still displaying shreds of its original cheery Hawaiian pattern. His trousers should be around here somewhere, though. He began to turn in a circle, searching for anything that looked even vaguely like clothes. “I think they’re over here,” ventured a silvery voice. Larry whirled around to locate the new speaker. All his newfound sense of wellbeing vanished in one withering instant. Standing at the far edge of the clearing, looking slightly apologetic, was Xandara. She of the brilliant blonde hair and the perfect knees. He let out a little ‘urk!’ of terror as she held up a pair of trousers in her exquisitely manicured hands. “What arrre you doing here?” Suki asked with narrowed eyes. Xandara gave an apologetic half-smile. “You were running late. I was sent to bring you back to the Mayor, before you head home.” Larry inched towards Xandara, both hands protecting his modesty as best he could. It occurred to him to wonder how long the girl had been standing there, and his face flamed at the thought. At arm’s length, he reached out and grabbed the trousers, then executed a comical little dance as he tried to put them on without revealing any more of his body than was absolutely necessary. Suki dressed much more languorously, watching Xandara in a sidelong manner, as if in challenge. The blonde waited, seeming equally oblivious to Larry’s discomfort and Suki’s rivalry. “Shall we go?” she asked brightly, once the two of them were dressed again. They walked back to the path in silence. Xandara walked on one side of Larry, Suki on the other. He hobbled between them, trying to run an internal inventory of his aches and pains. They were extensive enough to demand a recount – and he couldn’t have found it in him to regret a single one of them. What a date! And it wasn’t even over yet! He risked a sidelong glance at Xandara. She always seemed to show up at the most inopportune moments. He was beginning to wonder why. As if echoing his thoughts, Suki spoke up. “Why, everrry time that we turrrn arrround, do we bump into you, human?” “Me?” Xandara’s laugh rippled sweetly. “Well, I work for the show. I go where I’m needed, and today I was needed to run errands here.” “Ahhh.” For some reason, that answer seemed to satisfy Suki. She gave up her death-grip on Larry’s arm and walked by his side. As they made their way along the forest path she scanned the trees occasionally, with a hunter’s eyes. Larry took advantage of the temporary truce and asked a question of his own. “Are you from Earth?” She smiled, and something within him melted like warm putty. “Oh no. I did date an Earthman once, though. I picked him, my first time on the show. He was nice, but in the end it didn’t work out.” “It didn’t?” She shook her pretty head. “He broke it off. Said we were from two different worlds. I suppose he was right. So – have you enjoyed your date so far?” Larry tried not to look too abashed as he nodded. Then he noticed something. There were no floating orbs circling them. “Where are the cameras, anyway?” he asked. “They’re gone,” she answered with a shy smile. “There’s already enough… ahhh… footage of you to make a great show. The producers decided they couldn’t top that if they watched you two for another century!” Larry felt hot all over. Sixty-three trillion people. All… watching… while… He could just picture the gleam in Ms. Padd’s eyes as she muttered about the ratings. He rapidly changed the subject. “Why is it called the Singing Forest?” he demanded. “I haven’t heard a single song! And what’s with all the warnings about sentient trees?” Xandara had such a pleasant laugh. She used it now. “This is a tourist destination, Mr. Cludge. You can’t expect the marketers to be completely honest in their presentation. It’s called the Singing Forest because of the incident between the sentient trees and the All-Banshees Annual Choir Outing, nearly two hundred years ago. It takes a lot to rouse the trees into action, but apparently that did it. The residents of D’oz were picking bits of banshee out of the landscape for months after that little skirmish. Shortly after that, the ‘no singing’ rule came into force. It’s hardly a story to rouse the tourists, though, so they carry on telling people that the trees sing.” Larry was fascinated (by the girl and the story). “But surely people would find out what a fake it is?” Suki was obviously bored by the conversation. She chose this moment to go dashing off after yet another squirrel. ‘Insatiable’, thought Larry, with just a touch of admiration – and another of trepidation. Xandara watched her go, then linked arms with him. It was a purely companionable gesture, yet he noticed she had not touched him while Suki was around. She answered before he could puzzle this out. “Tourists never notice things like that. Besides, almost every foodstuff you can eat from this place is mind-altering in some way. As long as people eat before they walk, they’ll see synchro-dancing wombats, toadstools with smoking chimneys, trees that sing perfect four-part harmonies and pretty much anything else you plant in their imaginations. This place is legendary, Mr. Cludge.” Larry walked along, uncommonly happy. Even when Suki rejoined them, he couldn’t shake the smile from his face. Here he was, with two beautiful women. Well, females, anyway. The date was nearly over and he was still alive. For the first time since the day had begun, he found himself hoping that this was not just a bizarre dream. Maybe there was a ‘right girl’ for him, in this galaxy. Who knew – maybe there were two! The light was almost gone when the three of them emerged from the forest. It seemed that they had come full circle, back to the original landing site. This time, as well as their little landing shuttle, there was a much bigger spaceship, hovering slightly above the ground. Larry recognised the horde of freaks standing in front of it, as the film crew from the show. They even had their diabolical raft of bobbing cameras. The Mayor and his bizarre cohorts were waiting in the centre of the clearing. Plastic smiles were at the ready. “Ah. Well. Mr. Cludge and Miss Marrauwl. We’re running a little late now. The leaving ceremony will have to be bypassed. I do hope you’ve enjoyed your stay on D’oz. I know we’ve all enjoyed having you.” Larry flushed as the dwarf leered at him. “Now,” continued the Mayor, oblivious, “You get to choose. Will you return on the shuttle, together and alone. Or will you both take separate routes back home?” “I’m forrr the shuttle,” murmured Suki, sauntering towards the smaller ship with graceful ease. Xandara said nothing, but left Larry’s side to join the stage crew in front of the larger ship. Larry paused, undecided. Xandara on the big ship, Suki on the small. Knees… or hot squirrel-breath. That was what it all came down to, in the end… Last edited by Shady Stoat on Sat Feb 11, 2006 8:12 am; edited 2 times in total Back to top Author Ingrothechundyer Guest Items Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 9:58 am    Post subject: Nice chapter! Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 5:23 am    Post subject: Great chapter. I spotted this: Quote: show up at the most importune moments - at first I didn't recognise it as a word, but looking it up I find it is. However the word I thought you meant, inopportune, I think works better in this case. I've got to say go with Suki. The knees might be perfect, and she seems nice but she could have some horrible aspect that you don't know about. Better the cat you know. Happy Writing. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Last edited by Smee on Thu Dec 01, 2005 9:47 am; edited 1 time in total Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 5:44 am    Post subject: [quote="Smee"]Great chapter. Quote: show up at the most importune moments - at first I didn't recognise it as a word, but looking it up I find it is. However the word I thought you meant, inopportune, I think works better in this case. Thanks Smee. You're right, my fingers flew away with the wrong word (although 'hobbled away' might be more appropriate in this case - I was working through a bad case of non-inspiration with this chapter). Anyway, fixed and sorted. Much gratitude Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 5:49 am    Post subject: Smee wrote: Great chapter. Quote: show up at the most importune moments - at first I didn't recognise it as a word, but looking it up I find it is. However the word I thought you meant, inopportune, I think works better in this case. Thanks Smee. You're right, my fingers flew away with the wrong word (although 'hobbled away' might be more appropriate in this case - I was working through a bad case of non-inspiration with this chapter). Anyway, fixed and sorted. Much gratitude Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 6:08 am    Post subject: Heck, go for broke and try to get Suki and Xandara both. You only have an opportunity like this once in a lifetime. Think quickly and come up with some sort of plausible suggestion...hmmm, I can't think of one just yet (at least not one that I should post here). _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2005 6:15 am    Post subject: I'll accept 'both' if you can come up with a rationale. Otherwise it's Xandara or Suki or neither - or something else that I've failed to spot! Back to top Author Ingrothechundyer Guest Items Posted: Fri Dec 02, 2005 8:59 am    Post subject: Shady Stoat wrote: The Powers That Be wrote: Shady Stoat wrote: Unless I get a resounding clamour for me to carry onto 'Round 2' of the story Clamor clamor clamor!!! (I hope an American clamor is good enough ) *bursts out laughing* You just don't want to live in the slums by yourself any more! *joins in the clamour for round 2* This story is hilarious Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Dec 02, 2005 1:16 pm    Post subject: OK, I've got four or five ideas for 'Round 2'. (I accepted the nomination, BTW, and will be writing chapter 10 onwards whether or not I get anywhere in SGotM). Looks like the decision point for chapter nine will be how we proceed from there. This could be fun... In the meantime, thanks Ingro and Powers, for thoroughly cheering my day up Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Dec 02, 2005 9:38 pm    Post subject: Smee wrote: Great chapter. I spotted this: Quote: show up at the most importune moments - at first I didn't recognise it as a word, but looking it up I find it is. However the word I thought you meant, inopportune, I think works better in this case. I've got to say go with Suki. The knees might be perfect, and she seems nice but she could have some horrible aspect that you don't know about. Better the cat you know. Happy Writing. Are you kidding? There's no real option here...lets get the blonde! _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author Idea master Magus Extraordinaire Joined: 10 May 2004 Posts: 1787 Location: Sneaking Idearium into your beverages. Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Dec 03, 2005 12:40 pm    Post subject: Knowing some of these authors I've been reading in the past few days, Xandara will turn out to be some form of vampire. And plus, every guy in this situation will go for kitty cat anyday. So I say go for the lioness. _________________ ...So I've been summoned back from beyond the veil. ...No plans yet. Back to top Author the smell of yellow Guest Items Posted: Sat Dec 03, 2005 4:14 pm    Post subject: sugestion knowing what happens in storys i sugest that he whakes up to the rinning of his alarm clock and makes a jeneral remark about the dreem and then leave the story at the conclusion of dought. Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 11:08 am    Post subject: Idea master wrote: Knowing some of these authors I've been reading in the past few days, Xandara will turn out to be some form of vampire. And plus, every guy in this situation will go for kitty cat anyday. So I say go for the lioness. What? But she's...hairy! Besides, I think Larry had enough with her for one day. _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author Cantolope Guest Items Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 11:31 am    Post subject: I still think that my idea sounds the most used (o and by the way ime "the smell of yellow" i used it as a name because my account starter e-mail was slow) Back to top Author Cantolope Guest Items Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 11:42 am    Post subject: *blinks* *looks at screen again to make shure* GASP!!! did i post in a form with some of the greattest writers??? GASP!!!! Back to top Author Key King Joined: 08 Feb 2004 Posts: 2652 Location: The Royal Palace Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 4:27 pm    Post subject: I say go for Xandara. He should be relieved to have survived one date with Suki. He shouldn't push his luck and lock himself in a shuttle with her. Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Dec 04, 2005 4:42 pm    Post subject: Well, I am greedy, so go for both. But I don't have any ideas how! Nice chapter Stoaty, but... Quote: “Czeck, please!” *groans* _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Dec 07, 2005 7:50 am    Post subject: If anyone still wants 'both' and can think of a 'how' to go with it, say so in the next 24 hours. The poll is going up tomorrow. Current options are Xandara, Suki and neither. This should be interesting... Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Dec 07, 2005 8:00 am    Post subject: disable the small shuttle _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Dec 07, 2005 8:00 am    Post subject: Hell, even a feeble excuse should work. Tell them he remembers something written in the fine print about contestants always being accompanied by studio personnel until they no longer were associated with the show in any manner. That would include this final transport, and he could suggest Knees go with them. Maybe he never read any fine print, but it sounds good. Whether he actually experiences a fantastic tryst or is instead treated to a vulgar display of jealousy and...erm, cat-fighting , either way sounds highly amusing. Unless poor Larry is content relocating to Furtopia, I don't see any relationship with cat-woman going far. He does want a relationship...he's tired of being alone. But Suki is hardly the girl he'd take home to meet Mother. At least Xandara could pass as a tourist from France. _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Dec 07, 2005 11:13 am    Post subject: *grins* Good suggestions, you two... but Lordy, I think it would be difficult to tamper with the shuttle in full sight of everyone. Fauna: A weak excuse I would probably accept (after all, they both seem interested in him so far)... but the Mayor has already stated that if he chooses the shuttle, he and Suki will be alone together. Given that he's involved with the show, he ought to know. So... nothing acceptable so far, but keep trying if you've a mind to Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Dec 08, 2005 7:00 am    Post subject: 3 day poll. Make your choices... Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Dec 11, 2005 8:05 am    Post subject: Suki it is. I'm going to start writing chapter 9 now. I sure hope he survives the shuttle trip... Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Dec 11, 2005 11:30 am    Post subject: The majority picked Suki. Your wish is my command... Chapter Nine Larry’s mind whirled with frantic speed. If only he could find a way of having it all. He began to dwell on thoughts of Xandara and Suki, sharing a claustrophobic little shuttle with him for the whole of the evening. Maybe into the night, through the dawn rising and who knew how far beyond… His imagination hit the reverse gear and accelerated out of there while it still had a chance! Suki had almost been the death of him. She still might, alone in that shuttle. Then again, it had been wonderful. Did he really want to throw all that away on a maybe? He looked at Xandara. A little thrill ran through him as he remembered the way her slender arm had linked in his. The way she had smiled at him. They had talked so easily. She had been sweet and accepting, beautiful and comfortable. And interested. He was almost certain of that. Larry had just about come to his decision, when a new inspiration hit him. Maybe there was a way to have both – or at least keep his options open. Take the place on the spaceship, and his fling with Suki would be over. Take the small shuttle, however, and he still got the lioness. Then, if it didn’t work out, he could still seek out Xandara while they were finishing with his part in the show. She’d still be there… and had already proved that she could be very understanding. Pleased with the logic (and having hesitated for quite long enough already), he smiled at the cat and approached the shuttle. Suki’s feral grin spoke volumes – if the Kama Sutra could be said to have volumes. It was going to be an eventful trip… ----------- The shuttle finally landed the following afternoon. The stage crew gathered around as its door slid open. There was a pause. Then a lioness appeared at the top of the steps. Golden eyes glittered against the artificial lighting and she yawned lazily as she made her way towards the team. Xandara stepped forward to meet them. “Welcome back, Miss Marrauwl. If you’ll follow Linid over there…” she pointed to a carrot-shaped creature with one eye and three pointy ears, “… he’ll take you to the interview room and have a nice, informal chat with you. Where’s Mr. Cludge?” Suki turned back to point at the shuttle. Her tail swished slowly back and forth. “In therrre,” she said. “Disappointing. Verrry disappointing.” Wasting no more words, she sauntered after the hopping carrot-creature. Xandara shook her head slowly. “Bivv! Strigglagar!” she ordered, picking out a random pair of stage-hands. “You’d better go up there and patch the poor man up. Take the first-aid kit. And the stretcher. Better get the oxygen tanks up there too. Radio me if you need any of the major supplies. Just do the best you can.” As she walked from the room, she sighed and smiled at the same time. Men – they were so fragile – and so predictable! ------------ Larry lay on the shuttle floor, lost in a red haze of exhaustion. Somewhere, he knew he still had muscles that worked. He just couldn’t find them. Nor did he want to. If he so much as twitched, that devil-cat might decide he was up to one more performance. He really really wasn’t! Lionesses might enjoy carnal pleasures that lasted into the days rather than the hours. As far as Larry was concerned, though, when you lost count of how often, it was too often! He closed his eyes and once again let semi-consciousness wash over him. Dimly, he was aware of a change in the light as a shadow loomed over him. A voice said something. He might have burbled a response, he didn’t know. He lay, limp as a ragdoll, while he was cleaned and bandaged and manhandled back into his clothes. The next few hours remained forever dim in his memory. He had a vague recollection of being carried from the space shuttle, to an enthusiastic round of applause from the crew. There was a constantly changing sea of faces, a round of injections that seemed to either revive or re-blitz him and an alternation of pampering and pummelling to get him back into shape again. He supposed he must have been interviewed about the date. It stood to reason, although he could remember nothing about the interviewer or what questions she had asked. Or, indeed, what responses he had given. In nights to come, when he would awaken with hot chills of embarrassment, it was no comfort to know that, whatever he had said, it could not be worse than the footage of the date itself. It was evening before he finally felt that he could stand on his own two feet. They, at least, were working (although he was doubtful as to whether some of the more overtaxed body-parts ever would again). Staggering from the recovery room, he was swiftly pointed in the direction of the After-Show Party. A little butterfly of hope fluttered its way into Larry’s heart. Now that Suki had proved too much for him, perhaps he could talk some more to Xandara. His head still fancied her, even if the rest of his body was currently numb to the possibilities. Of course, it was impossible. He had already blown any chance he’d ever had with her. Even so… He pushed on the party-room door, muscles groaning at even that much effort. It swung open and he stepped inside. The room was a forest of weird life-forms. Small groups mingled together; headhunter pygmies chatted amiably to large violet ducks; zombies clinked glasses with many-tentacled squids; a withered crone appeared to be confiding secrets to a life-form that resembled nothing more than a giant ear. The most disturbing thing was that Larry was beginning to recognise the vast majority of them by sight! Almost the first thing that caught his eye was the emerald-furred cat. She was leaning forward, brushing suggestively against one of the lighting technicians – a man with three hairy arms, each of them as long as an orang-utan’s. For a moment, Suki caught Larry’s eye, then deliberately turned her attentions back to the hapless stage-hand. Larry wished him luck. He was going to need it! His eyes roved the crowd, seeking out his target. Finally, he spotted her. She smiled a welcome at him as he wobbled over to her corner of the room. “You’re looking better,” she observed. “Uhh… yeah,” he muttered, blushing. “A bit.” Xandara’s gaze tracked over to Suki. “She’s looking better too. Didn’t work out too well for you, did it Mr. Cludge?” Was it his imagination, or did the blonde look just a little too satisfied at that? He couldn’t be sure – but if these last few days had taught him anything, it was to take his chances where he could get them. “Well, maybe not yet,” he said, deciding to take the plunge, “but I could think of a way to end on a real high note.” Xandara raised her eyebrows. “Oh?” “You could agree to go on a date with me? I mean… if you want to? Whenever’s convenient, of course. No pressure. I’ll just let you…” he took a deep breath, aware that he was beginning to jabber. “I mean… could I give you a call some time?” For a long moment, she stared at him. Then she broke into a smile. A moment later, she had taken a notepad from her purse and scribbled something on the page. She folded it and tucked it into Larry’s breast pocket. He grinned back, unable to contain the happiness within him. For a few seconds, he stared upon perfection… and then life broke in on them again. There was the deep, throbbing “WHHHOOONNNK” of a siren. It seemed to fill the room before slowly ebbing away. “Oh dear,” said Xandara, her smile fading. “Time for you to go. Call me, Mr. Cludge.” Larry started to say something, but of course she couldn’t hear him. The teleportation was already underway. He faded out before her eyes, until there was nothing left but a slight sparkle to the air. Then, even that was gone. What a nice man! Xandara smiled as she started to put the notebook back into her purse. Then she froze, halted by a sudden thought. Damn! In the surprise of the moment, she’d forgotten to put her galactic area-prefix on the paper. Without it, the phone number was completely useless. What a wasted opportunity! She sighed… then shrugged. Oh well. She’d be able to rectify it easily enough, when he returned to the show the following week. Blind Date never let go of an unsatisfied customer… Last edited by Shady Stoat on Sat Feb 11, 2006 8:13 am; edited 1 time in total Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Dec 11, 2005 11:43 am    Post subject: No decision point, obviously enough, this time. I'll be creating chapter 10 as soon as I can, beginning round 2 - after I've run the gauntlet of all my other new chapters. We're not finished yet! (taken from volume 21 of "Famous Last Words And Other Witless Witticisms") Back to top Author Idea master Magus Extraordinaire Joined: 10 May 2004 Posts: 1787 Location: Sneaking Idearium into your beverages. Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Dec 11, 2005 12:03 pm    Post subject: A wonderful end to a most...interesting story. I do like the way you tied in the next series. And I think he might avoid all contact with the show if at all possible, what with the memories of the lioness and the various wounds. So! Do we get a new series anytime soon, o masterful stoat? _________________ ...So I've been summoned back from beyond the veil. ...No plans yet. Back to top Author Ingrothechundyer Guest Items Posted: Sun Dec 11, 2005 12:07 pm    Post subject: Very nice end to part one! I'm looking foward to the start of round two Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Dec 11, 2005 1:37 pm    Post subject: Mwahahaha so he's doomed to return. Excellent! _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Dec 12, 2005 2:29 am    Post subject: Excellent That was quite the experience. And it all begins again. I look forward to Round 2. Poor Larry. Happy Writing. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Dec 12, 2005 2:40 am    Post subject: Huzzah! A happy ending for everyone. uh. Wait a minute... _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 12:08 pm    Post subject: Best of Three: ROUND TWO! ROUND TWO: The Perils of Popularity Maya rose from his bed, smiling and wiping at her eyes. Len stood too, handing her a tissue from the box on his bedside table. She took it, dabbing daintily where her mascara was in danger of running. Suddenly, she turned, flung her arms around Len and kissed him on the cheek. “Oh, Lenny,” she said in a quivering voice. “You’re such a good friend!” For a moment, the hug squeezed tighter. Len shifted his midriff subtly away from her embrace before disengaging her arms from around his neck. “Go on,” he said, forcing a smile. “Go and talk to him.” The tears seemed in danger of flowing again. “Do you think he’ll listen?” “Only one way to know that.” He opened the door to his room and gave her a gentle push into the corridor. “Go find him.” Maya looked at him one last time, beautiful even though her eyes and nose were red from crying. Then she turned and headed past the rows of identical doors, towards the stairs. Lenny waited until she was completely out of sight. Then he closed the door and banged his head against it. THUMP! ‘You’re such a good listener, Lenny!’ THUMP! ‘Why can’t more men be like you, Lenny?’ THUMP! ‘Let’s not spoil the friendship, Lenny.’ “Story of my life,” he muttered, flopping back down on the bed again. He reached underneath it, fingers clawing past a stray sock and a long-forgotten comic-book. Finally, he found what he was seeking. He dragged the four-pack of beer out, popped the first cap and took a deep slug. Ah, that was more like it! Technically, the only beer allowed in the college halls of residence was the stuff they sold downstairs in the bar. Like anyone took any notice of that! He took another gulp from the bottle, then moved towards his desk. Time to get girls out of his mind and do some work. His essay was due two days ago. Borrowed time had finally caught up with him! No sooner had he got his books open than there was a knock on the door. Len sighed. “Yeah?” he called. The door opened. It was Robbie. With some effort, Lenny stopped himself from groaning. “Uh… hi?” ventured his neighbour. “Just thought I’d pop ‘round for a… look, do you fancy heading out tonight? Pizza? My shout?” Oh boy. “Sorry, Rob, I’ve got to work tonight. My project’s overdue.” “Oh. Okay.” His neighbour looked at him with lost-little-puppy eyes. “Maybe some other time then?” “Uh-huh,” answered Lenny, noncommittally. The door had barely closed when it opened again. To Len’s complete lack-of-surprise, it was still Rob. “Err… before I go?” “Yeah?” “I was wondering…” “Mmm?” “…if you could get your Dad to sign a copy of his book for me,” finished Robbie in a rush. He held out a much-thumbed paperback, with hope in his eyes. Lenny sighed. “I’ll see what I can do.” “Only I’m a big fan. I got the first edition of ‘Scared Kind’ when it came out, I must have read it a hundred times. Your Dad’s so great, I’ve been on his website and everything! Did you know there was this…” “Look. Robbie. I’ve really got to do this essay. As in now!” “Oh. Yeah. Sorry. I’ll just… I’ll just leave the book with you. If you could…?” “Rob!” “Right. Sorry.” Finally, he left. Lenny took a deep breath and a deeper swig of his beer. He stared at his essay without seeing it. Why had he thought things would be any different once he got to college? Ever since he had hit puberty, it had been the same. Everybody wanted to be his friend! Girls loved him. He was always the one they could run to with their problems. The one that they could confide their deepest secrets to. The one that never – ever – got the girl. He had tried everything. Being nice, being nasty, being passive, taking the lead, romance, seduction, innovation, inebriation and in one memorable case, falling to his knees and begging! They all just fixed him with sympathetic eyes and said some variation on a theme of: “I just don’t see you that way.” Guys were a more complicated problem. They wanted to be his friend for one of three reasons. The first (that he became aware of) was that they wanted to meet his Dad. Larry Cludge, famous author of: 'Close Encounters of the Furred Kind', 'Close Encounters of the Blurred Kind', and a whole series of similarly titled books. Although not what you would call mainstream-popular, his father’s fiction had become a kind of cult classic, read by geeks, nerds, trekkies, students and other weirdos all the world over. Len could quote almost every paragraph verbatim – not because he particularly liked the stories, but because he was constantly having people reciting them at him! Still, famous Dads exist. Len could have dealt with that one. The second category was more unsettling. It consisted of guys who became his friend just so they could meet his Mother! Sandra Cludge. Tall, blonde, quite pretty he supposed – in a motherly kind of way. For some reason, though, every other male in the world seemed to go wild over her. One look, that was all it took. Then he would hear nothing but endless monologues about soft skin, beauteous blondness and exquisite knees. It was a blasted nuisance! If only he could have inherited a tiny fraction of her ability for attracting the opposite sex, he wouldn’t have been the most popular bloke-without-a-date on campus! Not that he couldn’t get a date if he wanted to. That was where the third category of males came in. He had nothing against gays. Some of his best friends were gay. Come to think of it, most of his best friends were gay. The trouble was they all wanted to be more than just his best friend. He was constantly having to fend them off with excuses and carefully-worded rejections. Take Robbie, for example… There was another knock at his door. He stood up so fast that his chair crashed over behind him. Taking a moment to gather up his papers, he marched to the door and threw it open. Helen. Another stunner. He had been trying to get her attention for five months now. She had that look on her face – the one that said she needed a shoulder to cry on. Well, his shoulder was wet enough already! He made up his mind. “Sorry, Helen. I’ve got to go. See you later.” And with that, he fairly fled! ------- Len wandered the streets in the darkness. He supposed that he was going to end up at the library sooner or later. At least that way he would get his assignment done. Academic success would still be an option, even if romantic success was not. What was he doing wrong? He wasn’t twisted, or cruel, or even bad-looking! As a matter of fact, he had inherited more of his Mother’s good looks than his Father’s average ones. Unblemished skin, slightly scruffy fair hair, tall but not gawky frame, eyes the colour of chocolate drops. It should have come together to form a package that worked – yet, when it came to affairs of the heart, he seemed about as popular as genital warts! He lifted his eyes to the sky. “Is it really too much to ask that I get one lousy date before I turn twenty?” There was a strange blurring of the air where, a moment ago, Lenny Cludge had been standing. Then it cleared, leaving only a few papers, fluttering in the breeze… -------- Lenny blinked. There had been a dazzling light and the feeling that he had been baked, for a fraction of a second, at bone-melting temperatures. Slowly, the glare faded from his vision, only to be replaced by that of a bank of spotlights. He shook his head and tried to take in the details that surrounded him. There was a wooden stage. A single bar-stool. A curtained partition. A red-headed hostess, with the grin of a rabid Cheshire-cat. Dimly, in the black pit of the audience, Lenny could see a host of freaks, fiends and funguses. It all seemed vaguely familiar, somehow. Then realisation smacked him between the eyes. ‘Close Encounters’, chapter two! It was an exact replica of what his Dad had written. He was inside the damned book! Panic sunk its feral claws into his heart. He could hear his breath, ragged and hitching in his ears. Three words framed silently in his mouth. “What… the… hell…?” Suddenly, a firm shove caught him in the small of the back. He stumbled onto stage, windmilling his arms to regain his balance. Either by chance or perfect aim on the part of the shovee, he landed in the centre of a spotlight. Whilst he was still gazing around wildly, the redhead fixed him with her unnatural grin. “Well, hello Chuck, and welcome to…” A resounding voice boomed out discorporeally. “…Intergalactic, Inter-dimensional Buh-liiiiiind Date!” There was a sound like a score of hippos being disembowelled. Lenny could only assume (in the frantic recesses of his consciousness) that it was supposed to represent theme-music. He tried to think, through the mists of his terror. Assuming he was not dreaming (his imagination could never be this bizarre!) – and assuming that he was not insane (he was much less sure of his ground here) – then any second now, he would be forced to sit in the chair. The mad redhead was going to ask him what his first question was. Somehow, he was finding it hard to get past the quote from his Father’s first book. It played through his mind, looping like a dysfunctional computer program: “Uh...um, where am I? Who are you? What's going on here? How did...” “Well? Come and sit in the chair, Lenny my luv.” She moved rapidly to his side, fixed him in a grip of iron and shepherded him to the stool. He followed her numbly, tuning her out as she explained the rules. He already knew the rules – his Dad had written them! Could he make a run for it? Would it do any good? Was this the reason why his Father had never explained where he got his inspiration from? Or why he always changed channel when ‘Blind Date’ came on TV? Or how he had got all those scars all over his body? A trillion questions raced through his mind. With the instincts of a survivor, he picked out just one. Was this real? He pinched his arm, hard, and sucked in breath as he felt the pain. It was the best test he had. As far as he could tell, he was really here. If he ran, he would be stopped – and even if he wasn’t, where could he go? “So, chuck. What will your first question be?” Lenny gulped. He had to think – and fast. If the books were anything to go by, his entire survival might depend on the quality of these questions. What was he going to ask?? ========= Okay, I know everyone was expecting Larry to come back. I just couldn't do it to the poor chap. Instead, we get <da-da-daaaaah!> "Son of Larry." Two victims for the price of one First question, anyone? Last edited by Shady Stoat on Sat Feb 11, 2006 8:14 am; edited 1 time in total Back to top Author Ingrothechundyer Guest Items Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 12:46 pm    Post subject: Yay! Very nice start. "Will dating you kill or severly injure me?" sounds like a natrual question knowing what his dad has written about his dates. Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 1:02 pm    Post subject: Awesome Chapter I was suspicious when the exquisite knees cropped up, but didn't twig until the end. The whole concept is great. So Larry Snr got the blonde - there's another story right there surely. But in the meantime we have Larry Jnr - I must say, feeling some empathy for the guy. First question? ... Are your nails retractable? Pointy? Considered claws? Are you furry? Are you capable of easily injuring a human? Happy Writing. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Idea master Magus Extraordinaire Joined: 10 May 2004 Posts: 1787 Location: Sneaking Idearium into your beverages. Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 5:15 pm    Post subject: I think a better question would be... "Are any of you familar with a certain Larry Cudge in any way, shape, or form?" That way he could avoid his dad's mistake, you know. And the tiger-lady again. _________________ ...So I've been summoned back from beyond the veil. ...No plans yet. Back to top Author Ingrothechundyer Guest Items Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2005 5:19 pm    Post subject: Hmm I wonder how many of the contestants watched the show? It sounds like Larry had many appearances so would be well known to anyone who had watched. Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Dec 19, 2005 4:46 am    Post subject: Certainly he wants to ask the right questions, but I have a feeling that he's never quite believed what all was written in his father's books. He's going to have thoughts racing through his head about the different questions his father asked, the odd scenarios and frightening dates. And then like a flash-freeze it's going to crystallize in his head, and the first thing he's going to blurt out is, "You mean to tell me that my mother is an alien?" _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Dec 19, 2005 5:14 am    Post subject: Hurrah! Great concept! And ahaha! Just thought of something! Anyway, first question. Bugger. No idea. Er, something along the lines of 'Is your anatomy compatible with a human one, at least sexually." There I go again, lowering the tone. _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Dec 19, 2005 5:15 am    Post subject: Quote: And ahaha! Just thought of something! *Remembers a similar 'ahaha' when you were reading Dear Dotty.* Surely not another Storygame _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Dec 19, 2005 7:24 am    Post subject: Don't worry Smee. I think I know what he's talking about Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Dec 27, 2005 10:27 am    Post subject: You have five days to vote. It has been clinically proven that voting in Best of Three is the most reliable cure for mince pie overdoses and hangovers of all types. So go ahead, be good to yourselves Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Dec 27, 2005 3:06 pm    Post subject: voted _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Jan 02, 2006 2:46 am    Post subject: "Do you mean to tell me my mother is an alien?" won. *deadpan* Thanks guys! I'll start writing it Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Jan 03, 2006 10:36 am    Post subject: CHAPTER ELEVEN: Parent Power “Uhhh… uhhh…” stammered Lenny. “In yer own time, chuck. No hurry.” Brilla landed a heavy hand on his shoulder. If it was meant to be reassuring, it failed. Lenny floundered, trying to get his head around the fact that he was far from home, in a world which, until today, he had thought came from the twisted recesses of his Dad’s imagination. “Err… ahh…” “No pressure, my luv. You do understand the meaning of ‘scheduled time-slot’? ‘Live show’? ‘Paid by the hour?’ Take your time, far be it from me to hurry you.” His hostess was getting an edge to her voice. Lenny gulped, remembering some of the passages about Ms. Padd in the books. She could get nasty when riled. Gary Fledge, the hero of the stories (and how on Earth had he missed that oh-so-subtle pseudonym??) had run the gauntlet of Brilla’s attentions many times. He remembered the third book, when she had tried to break up Gary’s budding romance with a member of the stage crew by having her… Hold on! Gary had ended up marrying that member of the stage crew! And if Gary was really Larry, didn’t that mean…? His eyes opened wide. The words blurted out before he could stop them. “Hang on! Are you trying to tell me that my mother’s an alien?” “Interesting question, Mr. Cludge. Let’s put it to contestant number one!” “No! Wait! I didn’t mean…” Lenny half-rose from his seat. With a force that seemed disproportionate to her size, Brilla slammed him back down onto the bar-stool, with an eye-watering thud. Lenny floundered helplessly for a few seconds. Then he saw a crew-member on the sidelines, preparing what looked suspiciously like a large syringe. He gulped and subsided. The first voice came across the partition. It was high-pitched and squeaky in a way that started out sweet and ended up irritating. “Gosh, that’s a strange question to be starting out with, you must be new here, now how to answer it, is your mother an alien, would I know your mother? I’ve travelled around a lot but it’s hard to say really ‘cause I don’t know you or your parents by sight so I might have seen them and not noticed that I’d seen them, then again it’s a big galaxy and the chances are I haven’t met any of you before, so I would…” At this point, the voice trailed off. There was a blessed moment of silence, then it spoke again. “Wait a minute, did you say Lenny Cludge? Cludge, as in Larry Cludge? Are you any relation?” An excited ripple spread through the ranks of the audience. Lenny watched with disbelieving eyes as the crowd of freaks leaned in and whispered and pointed. Brilla was beaming so hard that it looked as if someone had stitched the corners of her mouth to her earlobes. “Lenny Cludge,” she said, giving his shoulder a firm shake that made his teeth rattle. “Son of Larry.” Lenny felt a sudden, insane urge to laugh. It sounded like the something his father would come up with for the title of a book. Come to think of it, that wasn’t funny! “I knew it,” squeaked Contestant One. “Larry Cludge, he was in the re-runs, I’ve seen him in the anniversary special too. ‘True Love: Survivors and their Stories.’ What a show, I rolled my hair flat laughing at that one, I remember when Larry was bad-mouthing the fire-troll and she came out from side-stage and picked him up by the hair and swung him around like a lasso, it was so funny , then there was that five-headed lizard woman, she took him to the snake-pits of Anuuria where that snake rose up and bit him right in the…” “Contestant Number One!” Brilla interrupted the monologue at last. “Answer the question please.” Another voice sounded from the opposite side of the partition. It was rich and slightly accented. Foreign would have been a good word, were it not for the current location. “She probably doesn’t remember what the question was. Better repeat it before her brain-cell wears out with the strain.” “I do remember, I remember exactly, it was about… oooh, let me think, it was about… something to do with… let me see… err…” Brilla’s hand was clenching so hard on Lenny’s shoulder that he could no longer feel his arm below the elbow. She snarled a repeat of the question while Lenny writhed in discomfort on the stool. “Oh, that, well, as far as I remember, Larry married one of the show employees in the end, so she’s bound to be an alien, yes. I just adored the wedding special by the way, it was smashing, especially when all the old dates turned up to throw things at him and the girl, boiling rice I think it was, or bits of mouldy bread or something like that, of course they didn’t stop at that, most of them wanted to…” Brilla turned and gave a nod to one of the troll stage hands. He turned to a set of tangled ropes in the wings and began to pull on one of them. Lenny followed Brilla’s eye-line and looked up into the rafters. A large pyramid-shaped weight was being winched along the pulley-ropes above the contestants. The ropes creaked as they strained to hold its mass. It was huge and it swung pendulously as it moved. If it fell, no doubt it would take out the floor below it, and half the rest of the stage as well! He watched with his mouth agape as the weight stopped approximately fifteen feet to his left (presumably over contestant one). His skin felt as if it was trying to crawl away to a safer place. The problem was that no place was safer. He wanted to go home! He wanted to be cosy and warm, stowed up in his room, complete with his platonic girl-friends and his not-so platonic boy-friends. He’d happily put up with his old life in a heartbeat, if someone would only give him the chance! If his dad’s books were anything to go by, though, that chance was not going to be easy to come by. “First warning, Contestant One. Answer the question.” Brilla barked, then wrenched her face back into its feral grin. “My luv.” Now the first contestant’s voice was so high-pitched it was virtually ultrasonic. “All right, all right, I’m answering, yes, okay, yes, I think your mother was an alien, if she was working on the stage crew here, she probably didn’t come from the same planet as your dad, although I think I’ve been on a whistle-stop tour of Larry Cludge world, as we like to call it on our home planet, and I must say I didn’t think…” “Shut up! You miserable squeaking excuse for a sentient being! How much more of your… Oh, do excuse me, I’m so sorry. Brilla. Ms. Padd – do you think we could consider the first contestant to have answered her question now? Is there the slightest possibility that we could continue with the show. Thankyou so much!” Lenny’s eyes widened in alarm. Presumably, that had been the third contestant. It certainly hadn’t sounded like either of the other two – although it hadn’t sounded much like itself either! Were all of the contestant going to be psychotically strange? He thought back through the pages of Close Encounters. And groaned. Of course they were! “Contestant Two,” breezed Brilla. “Your turn, my lovely.” “Well, if it’s aliens you’re worried about, I think you’re in the wrong place, sugar.” The accented voice spoke in creamy tones. The audience laughed uproariously, almost drowning out the second contestant’s next words. “Anyway, aliens can be just as… compatible… as your own race. Give me the chance, handsome, and I’ll prove it to you!” There was an ‘ooooh’ from the crowd. They shuffled forward in their seats, staring from Lenny to the hidden contestant like a pack of vultures. Of course, it was less surprising when you considered that at least half a dozen in the back row were vultures Lenny felt a confusion that he couldn’t identify. It was nothing to do with being on a nightmare show, trapped among aliens who wanted entertainment at all costs. No, it was more… He suddenly realised. A female had actually shown some interest in him! Him – Lenny Cludge – world’s most popular pariah with the ladies! Suddenly, he wasn’t sure whether he wanted this to be a dream or not. Then his eye caught sight of the hanging weight above Contestant One, and he was damn well positive again! “Number Three, my luv. Your answer please.” “Well, Brilla, I think the other two contestants have the advantage over me in question one.” The voice was light and conversational, flowing with pleasant timbre that carried across the studio without having to shout. “They are obviously old enough to have watched this boy’s father in his original episodes, whereas I have only seen the more recent examples of the show. However, I would have to say…” “Are you trying to call me old?” Contestant Two’s voice was a soft growl. “She’s probably older than the two of us put together, you can never tell with her kind, they always look like that, she could be…” “Her kind? That is discrimination of the highest order you snivelling maggot, I’ll scoop your worthless eyes out with a teaspoon just before I…” “Oh. Oh. And calling us ‘old’ isn’t discrimin… disciminini… biased then? What about that, eh?” Suddenly, all three contestants were shouting at once. Lenny looked nervously at the partition, then he looked at Brilla. She was wearing a dreamy expression that promised no intervention whatsoever. No doubt she would let them slug it out for the pleasure of the viewing public. Maybe it was time to take advantage of the distraction and try to make an escape. He thought through Gary Fledge’s many attempts to get away and how they had all ended in disaster. Then he thought about the network of scars that covered his father’s flesh. He wasn’t going to end up like that! Not allowing himself to think about it any more, he launched himself from the stage, landing heavily on the floor in front of the audience. He scrambled upright, ignoring the shockwaves that were running painfully up to his knees. There was shouting behind him. He tuned it out, eyes fixed on the door up the shallow steps to his right. Swerving into the aisle, he successfully dodged past a security guard’s long-taloned grab. Then he was off and running up the steps, taking them two at a time, watching the exit get nearer, nearer, nearer… Someone grabbed his jacket. He shook them off, but by then two more appendages had reached out. Then, as he was struggling with those two, half a dozen more joined them. He was pulled to the side where the audience was reaching out for him. Lips (and beaks and other orifices) murmured the sacred name of Larry Cludge as he was inexorably pulled into the loving embrace of the audience. He flailed and writhed, as bodies of all shapes and size pressed in on him. People had risen from their seats to get closer. Bits of his clothing were being torn, bits of his body prodded. He gasped out his protests to the unhearing hordes, in a voice that got ever more faint and muffled as he disappeared under the weight of the crowd. He couldn’t see. He couldn’t breathe! He was drowning in a sea of adoration. The world began to blacken around the edges, tunnelling his vision to a tiny pinprick… until even that sparked out. -------- Lenny opened his eyes with some effort. He felt battered and bruised, as if he had been caught in a stampede. It took him a moment or two to get into focus… then he realised that nothing had changed. Well, virtually nothing. He was back on the bar-stool in the centre of the stage. The audience had returned to its seats. Presumably the contestants were on the other side of the partition. Brilla was certainly on this side, and she looked as though steam was about to pour from her ears. The maniac smile was gone, replaced by a look that would terrify a typical shark. Other than that, the main difference was that he was wearing nothing but a pair of undershorts that were approximately sixteen sizes too big for him. He was still looking down in disbelief when the cherry-haired hostess leaned close in and hissed: “You don’t want to try that again, sonny boy. Just because the producer’s on your side, it doesn’t mean you can get away with it a second time. You may be wearing his shorts, but you’ll be wearing a matching pair of shackles in a flash, next time you put a toe out of line. Understand?” Lenny didn’t understand. He nodded anyway. Then, when Brilla moved away from his face, his eyes were drawn to movement at the side of the stage. Looking over, he saw a creature that looked like a cross between a giant and a bloodhound. At least nine feet tall, he had sacklike skin that hung in loose folds from his brow to his feet. His flesh was mustard-coloured and scaly and he was winking and waving at Lenny. His mind went from confusion to conclusion in one rapid leap. Somehow, he just knew that this was going to turn out to be the producer. And, for some reason – presumably the same reason that had held true all his life – the producer had more than simple friendship on his mind. He tried not to consider too deeply the meaning of Brilla’s words about the producer’s shorts. He supposed he should be grateful for the fact that his wrists weren’t strapped to metal bars at this point – but looking over at wrinkle-skin, he wasn’t sure whether having the producer’s favour was a blessing or a curse! Neither was he given any time to consider the matter. Brilla plastered on her friendly grin again. “Now, chuck, what will your second question be?” ========= I've experimented with the use of colour for the contestants. Reading it back after I'd written it, it was hard to tell who was speaking at what point. If this is distracting, let me know. Otherwise I'll continue with the colouring until two of the contestants are knocked out of the game. Last edited by Shady Stoat on Sat Feb 11, 2006 8:15 am; edited 1 time in total Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Jan 03, 2006 11:34 am    Post subject: Lenny doesn't seem to catch on too quickly. I could see him disregarding the whole thought-out question notion and blurting out something again. Or maybe muttering something like "Whoo-boy, I'd have been better off going out with Robbie wouldn't I?" _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author Idea master Magus Extraordinaire Joined: 10 May 2004 Posts: 1787 Location: Sneaking Idearium into your beverages. Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Jan 03, 2006 1:35 pm    Post subject: I think we should pull something similar from the first series... "Uh...please describe, in a little detail, as to the contestant sitting on your...right." And another... "Just what the hell is that thing?" *While pointing at the producer* And perhaps a third... "Is there any way out of this nightmare?!" You have your choices now... _________________ ...So I've been summoned back from beyond the veil. ...No plans yet. Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Jan 03, 2006 2:04 pm    Post subject: i agree with fauna, with him again asking a pointless question. _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Key King Joined: 08 Feb 2004 Posts: 2652 Location: The Royal Palace Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Jan 03, 2006 6:58 pm    Post subject: No, I think he should pull himself together and try as best as he can, just like his dad. After all, things worked out OK for Larry in the end, just not in the beginning or middle. He should ask something to help him decide who to pick, like one of the ones IM suggested, or maybe "What are your best qualities?", or "What's your idea of a good date?" Last edited by Key on Tue Jan 03, 2006 9:24 pm; edited 1 time in total Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Jan 03, 2006 9:17 pm    Post subject: Ay. I f5 Key on this one. He should begin to pull himself together, he does have his fathers' books to go on after all. What's your idea of a good date sounds a good, if rather lame, one. _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Jan 06, 2006 12:45 pm    Post subject: I F5* Key as well. A good chapter that almost allowed a giggle to escape Happy Writing *hopefully F5ing isn't painful _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Jan 06, 2006 8:40 pm    Post subject: Quote: *hopefully F5ing isn't painful LOL! _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Jan 10, 2006 3:53 am    Post subject: Three days. Six options. Get voting Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Jan 10, 2006 3:55 am    Post subject: Voted I did. Mmm. and re-reading the last chapter again, I don't think that the colors add anything. Infact it makes it look a little messy. I give my thumbs down to this idea. _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Jan 10, 2006 3:56 am    Post subject: He might think that he'd have been better off dating Rob, but perhaps he'll fall back on some of the info from his dad's books, and ask for each contestant to describe another. _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Jan 10, 2006 5:10 am    Post subject: Oh, you original people, you! In the interests of avoiding an exact clone of last time's questions, I've decided to change the: "Describe the contestant on your right" to Power's original round 1 alternative "Which member of the audience looks most like you?" If this makes anyone want to change, reverse or completely withdraw your vote, let me know by PM or in this thread. Otherwise, happy voting Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Jan 10, 2006 5:15 am    Post subject: Shady Stoat wrote: I've decided to change the: "Describe the contestant on your right" to Power's original round 1 alternative "Which member of the audience looks most like you?" I am outraged! I will take this to the highest powers in the land, stopping at nothing* until justice has been seen to be done. I shall wander the city, decrying the... oh what the hell, go for it. *Except a quick bite to eat here and there. _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Jan 10, 2006 10:44 am    Post subject: voted _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Jan 11, 2006 11:55 pm    Post subject: Hi all. Unfortunately, Random seems to have made a whoopsie on this poll (I PMed him to delete the old poll on No Good Deed, but this one disappeared instead). Now - I can either put up a brand new 3 day poll, and change some of the options a bit to encourage people to come back and vote... Or I can go with the results that I got after 36 hours. Any opinions? Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Jan 12, 2006 3:45 am    Post subject: Go with the old poll. I'd already voted in it anyways. _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Jan 12, 2006 3:48 am    Post subject: OK then, 'which member of the audience looks most like you' has it. I'll get straight to it (as soon as I run out of other distractions) Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Jan 12, 2006 3:50 am    Post subject: *Frolicks about looking distracting* _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Jan 16, 2006 1:44 pm    Post subject: CHAPTER TWELVE: Eye of the Beholder Lenny had never, in the past, taken a pride in his ability to counter stressful situations with quick-thinking. Now, though, his mind was sprinting faster than a cat with its tail on fire. Did he want to be here? No. Did he want to escape? Yes. Was the escape likely to work? No. Did he want to be cuffed to this chair while that leering hulk of a Producer was within two continents of him? Definitely NO! Should he be thinking of a second question? He sighed in surrender and began to cast around for something to ask. What would be deep and insightful? What would give him a glance into the inner soul of the contestants? What single question could cut through all barriers and enable him to make the wisest and most rewarding choice? The wet haddock of common sense came swimming out to slap him around the face. No. First he would find out whether he was going to be dating someone who looked like the Producer in a dress. Beauty may indeed be only skin deep, but he had no intention of setting the bar so low that you would need a pith-helmet and a canary to find it! “Describe the contestant on your left,” he gabbled, hoping to goodness that there was at least one non-hideous option in the group. Brilla snorted a lungful of air through her nose. Lenny got the feeling she still hadn’t forgiven him. “A dead ringer for your father,” she said. “I suspect we’ll be seeing a lot of you in the future.” Lenny suspected that they’d seen a lot of him already. They would do again if he had to stand up in these enormous boxers! “Contestant Two,” she continued. “What’s your answer, my pet?” The creamy, accented voice spoke again. “You want to know what Contestant Three looks like?” She purred. “Well – and I have to say, I mean no disrespect by this – she’s hideous! Do you ever have those nightmares, where you wake up sweaty and shivering, and you can’t remember what you dreamed about? Well, the answer is sitting right next to me. Believe me, honey, you don’t want to mess around with a leather-winged monstrosity like that!” (Presumably she turned to the third contestant at this point), “No offence, sweetie.” “Leather-winged monstrosity? You overgrown worm, you have no idea who you’re dealing with, I’ll tear your eyes from their sockets, I’ll rend the flesh…” “You think you’re tough enough, honeybunch? Give it a try. Go on – I dare you. The audience’s eyes lit with collective fervour. They craned forward, stamping and cheering on the now inevitable fight. Sure enough, Contestant Three roared in challenge and there was the sound of two bodies colliding on the far side of the stage. Lenny gulped and flinched from the partition as it shuddered with the impact of two bodies. The first contestant was screaming out a non-stop patter of protestations, in a voice too high and rapid to be understood. As Lenny’s eyes crossed with the effort, he became aware of another conversation going on to the side of him. “It’s a disqualification offence, pure and simple.” Lenny turned and gave an involuntary shudder. The Producer had wandered onto the stage and was arguing in low and urgent tones with Brilla. At that moment, the wrinkle-giant caught Lenny staring at him and gave him a hopeful smile. Lenny immediately fixed his gaze straight ahead, at the audience. It didn’t stop him from listening, though. “Disqualification?” hissed Brilla. “On what grounds?” “Lack of detail. Calling someone ‘hideous’ is not describing how they look.” “It is if they look hideous!” protested Brilla. “Opinion, not fact. I’m calling it,” said the Producer, blithely. Brilla snorted. “Oh, get over yourself and act like a professional! He’s not interested. He’s never going to be interested, whatever you do. Isn’t that right, Mr. Cludge?” Lenny turned, reluctantly. He noted that Brilla’s mouth was curled into a predatory smile. She was obviously getting her pound of flesh and enjoying every last ounce! The Producer, on the other hand, managed to look remarkably like an eager puppy. An eager nine-foot tall, able-to-crush-him-with-one-swift-blow puppy. He opened his mouth to speak. All that emerged was the brief squeak of a fieldmouse who had got too friendly with a combine-harvester. The Producer looked expectant. “You see?” said Brilla, triumphantly. “Even if you disqualify all of the contestants, it won’t do you any good!” The Producer-creature’s face darkened into a landscape of deep wrinkles. Then, a moment later, his features returned to normal (if you could consider a face like a ‘before’ shot for an anti-aging cream as normal). “We shall see,” he said, stomping back into the wings. Larry saw him muttering to one of his troll assistants again. Right then, though, his attention was drawn back to rather more immediate concerns when an outraged scream pierced the studio. “My eye! My eye! That b**** took my eye!” There was a rather unpleasant laugh from the other side of the stage, and a wet plop at Lenny’s feet. He looked down and barely throttled the urge to throw up. There was an amber-slitted eyeball, rolling around on the stage, inches from his stool. It seemed to glare accusingly up at him. He barely caught the next words. “It’ll take me hours to grow that back! I ought to…” “Ladies! Ladies!” Brilla interjected with one of her teeth-baring smiles. “You don’t want me to have to take… measures… do you?” There were mutters. There were grumbles. There were, undoubtedly, insults flung, but in voices too low to carry to this side of the stage. Lenny breathed a sigh of relief as the atmosphere slowly returned to normal. “Now,” continued the red-haired hostess. “What do you say, Contestant Number Three?” “I say there’s more to life than appearances.” The pleasant, light tone was back, showing no traces of the earlier rough sibilance. “However, whether you choose to judge us by outer or inner beauty, Mr. Cludge, I’m afraid that I cannot describe Contestant One as anything other than a mindless piece of fluff. Number One chattered into immediate and incessant outrage. It was hard to hear the rest of Three’s answer above the squeaky protests. Lenny only managed to catch the occasional phrase pushing to the fore like a drunken Scotsman in a bar brawl. “…suming that her incessant chatter has not already brought you to the same conclusion… quite revolting combination of shades… sunglasses if I were you, preferably ones that did not permit you to see at all… shock in store, I would imagine… There was the sound of a stool clattering onto the stage and a shriek like a banzai warrior on helium, then the impact of two bodies hitting each other. Again. Guttural snarls and squeaky screams rent the air as the cameras zoomed in to catch every nuance of the action. The audience seemed torn between watching the fracas and offering money to a group of squat orange aliens prowling the aisles. After a moment or two of confusion, Lenny realised they must be bookies, taking bets on the outcome of the fight. That was new! None of his father’s books had mentioned a betting-shop. His stomach gave a lurch as he wondered what else had changed in the past twenty years. Not for long, though. His attention was attracted by movement from the corner of his eye. One of the trolls side-stage was hauling on a stage-rope. Lenny’s eyes idly tracked the line of the rope to the rafters, then along, then down… to the weight. For a moment, he wondered why the troll would be moving the weight away from Contestant Number One’s seat. Then the realisation hit. He was not moving it from, he was moving it to! It was travelling towards the far end of the stage, away from Lenny and towards the midst of the contestants. He pictured the Producer’s saggy bloodhound face in his mind. It had been too easy to get him to give up on the disqualification. Far too easy! If Lenny knew anything about his personal curse, it was that his potential boyfriends were persistent. If one method of disqualification failed to bear fruit, there were bound to be other ways… A moment before the troll let go of the rope, Lenny yelled: “Watch out above!” He skittered from his own stool, just in case the impact sent debris his way. There was barely time to think and no time at all to panic. The floor shuddered under a massive impact. Everyone on the stage screeched with alarm (or pain, or maybe both). Everyone in the audience screeched with enthusiasm. There was tremendous noise, followed by tremendous silence. Lenny held his breath. Had the Producer managed to take any of the contestants out? If he had, should Lenny be glad or sorry? Before he could decide, the high-pitched chattering began from the other side of the stage again. Within moments, all three contestants were bickering and flinging insults at each other, in a way that said they were quite definitely still alive and kicking. And biting and scratching and punching, if need be! Stage-technicians sprinted back and forth, picking up the pieces of the set and handling disgruntled contestants. Not entirely sure why, Lenny breathed a sigh of relief. However revolting these… females… turned out to be, two facts seemed irrefutable. One: they had at least a passing interest in him, in a non ‘let’s be friends’ way. And Two: they were the biggest thing standing between himself and a romantic candlelit dinner with saggyface the Producer! That, or his father’s scars in replica? He’d take the scars every time! Talking of the epidermally-challenged devil, Lenny could see him and Ms. Padd having a heated discussion at the side of the stage. There were many jabs, pokes, prods and wild gestures being exchanged, but he could make out none of what they were saying. It was easy to guess, though. Judging by the murderous look that Brilla gave him, Lenny figured the Producer must have got his way again. She stood next to him, snorting noisily through her nostrils. Then, muscle by rebellious muscle, she contorted her expression into her trademark rigor-mortis grin. “Contestant Number One,” she said, tightly. “Describe the contestant on your left, chuck.” Lenny braced himself for the torrent of babbling to come. He was not disappointed. “Ooooh, pick me, pick me, you don’t want Contestant Two, she’s only got one eye and it’s all slitty and nasty-looking anyway, I had an Auntie like that once, never trusted her, she had yellow eyes, well you couldn’t really tell, but everyone said they were yellow and she ended up leaving her home planet in the end, said she couldn’t put up with the incessant noise, nobody else could hear anything, she must have been crazy, did I mention she had yellow eyes, well I said yellow…” “Contestant One!” barked Brilla, turning a shade of peuce that clashed particularly horribly with the hue of her hair. “Answer the question!” Brilla must be rattled, thought Lenny. She hadn’t added one of her sickly endearments to the end of the sentence. Then again, she looked as if one more agitation would send her into orbit faster than a gerbil with a jet-pack. “Well, that’s what I was trying to tell you,” insisted Number One. “Nasty eyes, nasty skin, funny-looking tongue, not Larry Cludge’s type at all, not his son’s either, he wouldn’t want some scaly-skin sinking her teeth into…” “At least I could change if I wanted to, unlike some glorified pompoms I could mention! “Who are you calling a pompom, slit-nose?” Lenny listened in bemusement as the insults zinged back and forth. He tried to take stock, to somehow make the best of this situation. Brilla hated him with a venom, admittedly. The Producer was looking at him in the same way as a fat man in a health farm would look at a tray of Nachos. The three females on the other side of the partition were probably a trio of bloated, slimy unutterables whom he would be sorry ever to have laid eyes upon in the near future. Still, there had to be a good side somewhere, didn’t there? Didn’t there? Oh yes – that was it. He still had one question to ask before he had to go on a date with one of them! Last edited by Shady Stoat on Sat Feb 11, 2006 8:16 am; edited 2 times in total Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Jan 16, 2006 2:08 pm    Post subject: Hilarious. I'll try to think of a suitable question soon. _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Jan 16, 2006 3:35 pm    Post subject: LOL!! and Quote: group of squat orange aliens prowling the aisles LOL!! _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Jan 16, 2006 4:05 pm    Post subject: so far i'm thinking no. 3 sounds the best its the wings that does it - leaver as well _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Ingrothechundyer Guest Items Posted: Mon Jan 16, 2006 6:12 pm    Post subject: Great stuff Back to top Author Suneila Guest Items Posted: Mon Jan 16, 2006 10:28 pm    Post subject: I don't know why, but it seems really hard to think of a question this time... Maybe something along the lines of 'What makes you think that you and I are compatible?' or 'Why would you want to go on a date with me?' ~sunny Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Jan 17, 2006 1:32 am    Post subject: Thanks for the comments guys and guyettes I'm going to allow 3 days for suggestions this time, then the poll goes up. Sorry if it's difficult to think of questions to ask, but it's also extremely difficult to write this time around. I think it's because I'm waiting too long between the chapters, so the characterisation isn't coming naturally. I've decided to speed up again, see if the flow improves (believe me, it couldn't get worse!). So, if I don't get enough new ideas, I'll stick some of the old ones up in the polls. Onwards and upwards, chaps! *looks around* Hey! Where'd everyone go? Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Jan 17, 2006 3:44 am    Post subject: don't mind us - we're invisible F5 sunny, ask something about how compatible they'd be _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Jan 17, 2006 4:27 am    Post subject: Definately a good chapter even if it was a lot more effort to write. I think it's time to get more into the cheesey questions of the true Blind date. He seems fairly switched on, even if he's a little overwhelmed at the moment. I'm sure he could think up one of these... "I am often told I'm a great listener. What do you think your best quality is and why? To contestant number 1." "I like to take romantic night-time walks by a river or lake. What is your idea of a romantic date?" "Nothing attracts me more than a timid touch (imagines claws and other such horrors from his fathers adventures), how would you demonstrate your gentle side to me?" That's all my ideas at the moment. Happy Writing. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Jan 17, 2006 4:29 am    Post subject: ooh ooh! Like the timid touch one! _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Jan 17, 2006 5:05 am    Post subject: Smee wrote: "Nothing attracts me more than a timid touch (imagines claws and other such horrors from his fathers adventures), how would you demonstrate your gentle side to me?" *chokes on a mouthful of tuna* ROFL! Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Jan 17, 2006 5:33 am    Post subject: It appears I struck gold on third time lucky then. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Jan 17, 2006 6:45 am    Post subject: Great questions Smee, and I'm partial to that third one as well. That should make for some interesting responses. _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author Idea master Magus Extraordinaire Joined: 10 May 2004 Posts: 1787 Location: Sneaking Idearium into your beverages. Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Jan 17, 2006 8:44 am    Post subject: Yeah, I'd have to agree, but I also have to throw my hat in the ring*. "What makes you so darn interested in me?" And "Just why the hell is the producer interested in me?!" *While attaching a cord so I can pull it back reeeal quick. _________________ ...So I've been summoned back from beyond the veil. ...No plans yet. Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 5:59 am    Post subject: Okay peeps, poll is up and running for 3 days. I had to abbreviate a lot of the questions. For the full (and most subtle) nuances, read through the discussion thread. I intend to include the full question in the writing of the chapter, but I don't want the poll options to go all skewiff because they're too long Last question. Vote well! Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 6:37 am    Post subject: Some good questions, but I'm still partial to the gentle side. _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author Suneila Guest Items Posted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 5:41 pm    Post subject: I had to go with the 'gentle' one. I can just imagine words from his dad's books about the forest incident scrolling through his mind. ~sunny Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Jan 23, 2006 6:02 am    Post subject: Looks like we're looking at the 'gentle touch' option here. Let's get this show on the road! Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Jan 24, 2006 12:22 pm    Post subject: CHAPTER THIRTEEN Blessed Are The Meek… The stage crew finally managed to calm the contestants down. Peace was restored, however briefly. Even Brilla’s colour seemed to be reluctantly returning to normal. Between gritted teeth, she forced out the words. “And your final question for our luv’ly ladies, Mr. Cludge?” Lenny gulped. He still felt that he knew almost nothing about the women on the other side of the partition. Two of his three questions were already gone. He was not only at the last chance saloon, he had worked his way through its row of alcoholic beverages until all that remained was the manky brown bottle with the green gloop and the remains of a worm in it. How to not get killed, maimed or mutilated? He had no clue. Sweat beaded on his brow as he skimmed through his memory for Gary Fledge’s finest moments. Ah. Yes, maybe that one would do. He cleared his throat, feeling ridiculous (and preferring that feeling to one of claws, teeth, talons and mandibles raking his flesh). “Err… n-nothing attracts me more than a timid touch,” he stammered. “Contestant Number… uhh… Three - how would you demonstrate your gentle side to me?” “You’ll be lucky,” muttered Brilla with a particularly nasty quirk to her lips. Then, aloud: “Good question, my luv. Number Three, your answer?” “A fascinating question, Mr. Cludge. I do try to nurture my caring side. In fact, my fellow spawn often remark on the subject of how docile I am in comparison to them. For example, they absolutely fail to understand my interest in the arts. I would simply love to take you to the opera. Lenny wasn’t sure whether or not to be happy with this news. On the one hand, he detested anything to do with the opera. It was all fat women with wobbly bosoms, singing in an incomprehensible language, with a plot so full of holes you could sail an aircraft carrier through them. On the other hand, it was gentle, and at the moment, he had to be in favour of any non-mutilatory activities. She continued in tones of obvious enthusiasm. “There’s a wonderful little Opera Company on Vartis 9. They call themselves ‘Souls in Torment’. You might have heard a little of their work. Their Disembowellment Aria is renowned the Galaxy over!” She cleared her throat and, before anyone could beg her not to, she launched into what was, presumably an excerpt of their work. Lenny’s eardrums launched an official protest with his brain, which immediately upheld it. His hands clapped over his ears, muffling the dreadful wails. Even so, his flesh rose in goosebumps (and not the good sort!) as he was forced to listen. “AYIIIIIieeeee wroaaAARGHHH!!!” To add insult to injury, the bass voice of the auditorium commentator interjected with a translation. “Owch! Please stop doing that!” “Gllleeeuuurrrbllle reck-ik-ik-IIIK” “I never knew my intestines were that colour.” “SHHAAZzzllllbrk uuurmmMMMM NOAAAA!” “Please! I told you everything I know three days ago!” “EEEIIIOAWWWW!!!” “EEEIIOAWWWW!!! Literal translation – a contention of complaint or pain.” “Yes yes, Contestant Three,” shrieked Brilla, her voice rising above the ungodly noise. “I think we all get the idea.” Lenny cautiously took his hands from over his ears. He glanced at the members of the audience who, for the most part, were stampeding towards the exits, to escape from the dreadful din. Yes, it was quite likely that everyone had got the idea! He was unnerved by the feeling of gratitude he was feeling towards Brilla for stopping that horrendous display of hellsound. Then she looked at him in the same way that a hungry snake looked at a mouse… and the feeling of gratitude subsided. Lenny watched as the stage hands began to round up their audience and drive them back to their seats. He was unnerved to see the Producer back there with the rest of them. Instead of getting the spectators back to their spectating, though, he seemed to be contemplating a rung-ladder at the far end of the aisle. Then, with the caution that seemed to be fitting to being a nine-foot-tall wrinkly giant, he began to ascend, one rung at a time. This could not be good! Lenny opened his mouth to ask Brilla what the Producer was up to, but she got there first. “Contestant One,” she breezed, oblivious to all else but the game. “How would you display your gentle side to Mr. Cludge here?” “Oooh, what a lovely question, Mr. Cludge, do you mind if I call you Lenny, thanks, well Lenny, I think you’d love something we, I mean, those on my home planet, call ‘Zzzizzitt’, which I think would translate in your language to ‘buzzing’. It’s really relaxing, what happens is, a group of us, it’s got to be at least six but it could be as many as forty, climb into a big dish and when everyone’s inside, we all roll and wriggle against each other, it’s really relaxing and soft and pleasurable, it’s like having a complete body massage applied by a thousand furry caterpillars, it can be really exciting too, especially when the friction builds up and then… zzzizzitt!... you get discharge, wow! Maybe I’ll take you there once the official date’s over, you’d really enjoy it…” “I’m sure… as long as you didn’t want to breathe!” came the voice of Contestant Two, sounding silky and sarcastic. “I could think of better things to do with my time than be buried under a pile of jumped-up carpet remnants!” Lenny had still been struggling with the term ‘discharge’. Whatever way you interpreted it, that didn’t sound particularly pleasant. With the addition of the whole breathing issue, this zipetty-doo-dah (or whatever it was called) wasn’t completely fulfilling its initial promise. It was, in fact, completely denying any knowledge of ever having made a promise, shuffling its feet, looking guilty, avoiding all eye-contact and crossing the other side of the street when it saw him coming! Meanwhile, the show had fallen into its easy rhythm of insult, counter-insult, threats from Brilla and under-the-breath bickering. Lenny waited for it all to stop and silently vowed never, under any circumstances, to have children of his own. The Cludge men seemed destined for a life of Intergalactic dating misery at the hands of insane redheads and stage-crews that Giger would have a hard time dreaming up! If he could just get out of this whole thing with all of his body-parts still intact, he would never so much as think about dating again! He wondered whether his father had made himself the same sorts of promises. And how much good they had done him! “Contestant Number Two.” Brilla interrupted his reverie. “Your turn, chuck.” “Oh sweetie, we’re going to have such a good time together,” answered the middle contestant in her warm, accented tones. “If it’s gentle you want, then I’d recommend one of my specialised meditation and relaxation sessions. We could do it together, it would make a new man of you, sugar.” She was, no doubt, about to continue. At that moment, though, Lenny heard the snap of a rope from somewhere above the audience. His mind leapt, rather belatedly, to the Producer and his antics. His eyes leapt to the view before him! Above the audiences’ heads was a huge log, hurtling sawn-edge-first towards the stage. It could easily have been hewn from a thousand-year-old oak, he thought, whilst simultaneously contending that now was not a good time to be counting the age-rings of the wood! In the panicked moments that followed, everything seemed to happen in slow motion. The log swooped down towards the opposite side of the stage, where the contestants were sitting. Then, at the lowest point of its swing, one of the wires that it hung from snapped with a massive whipping noise. It wobbled crazily, changing course to drive towards the other side of the stage. Straight, in fact, towards himself and Brilla. Unaware that he was shrieking like a teenaged banshee at a rock concert, Lenny leapt off the barstool and dove face-first onto the floor of the stage. He felt a great gust of displaced air whistling over his back. There was the sound of screaming from the audience and a very solid-sounding thump from the back wall of the stage. Lenny risked an upward glance. He almost didn’t live to regret it. The log sailed millimetres over his head, to swing back to its central position above the central rows of the audience. A large contingent of trolls lumbered out into the aisles, presumably to banish the tree-trunk back to its usual position. He stood up on shaky legs and began to dust himself down (careful to keep a tight grip on the enormous boxers. No point in boosting the Galactic ratings more than they already were!). It was then that he realised the audience was engaged in a hushed whispering. It sounded far too reverential to be good. Slowly, he turned around. The back of the stage had a large circular dent in it. Squeezed around all the edges of the dent were the extremities of what had once been a humanoid. Although the body was horribly mangled, the eyes bulged and the face was still fixed with a manic grin, equally as horrible in death as it had been in life. “Oops,” came a hushed, but nevertheless utterly audible, voice from the aisles. Lenny whirled, feeling queasy. The producer was standing next to the ladder, shuffling uncomfortably. “Err… I was just… just checking that the dragon-stunner was secure. Err… healthy and safety. Standard procedure. Err…” he trailed off. Silence. He squirmed. Then he obviously decided that bluster was the right way to go. “Somebody clean that mess up,” he barked, all the wrinkles deepening on his face. “We’ve got a show to put out.” One of the stage-managers called out something. Lenny didn’t hear what. “Well, what about her? It’s almost the end of the show anyway. I’ll have to fill in. What? No, I am not going to wear the suit!” (again an unheard portion of the conversation. “Go ahead, show it, it’ll be good for the ratings.” Lenny stared as the stage-hands began to wipe bits of Brilla up from the walls. He looked back at the Producer who gave him a hopeful little smile. Then he decided to have a lie down for a while. The floor rose up to help him with the task. A few minutes later, he became aware of a persistent shaking. He opened his eyes to find himself face-to-face with a drooling mass of wrinkles. He scrambled away, fighting back terror. Unfortunately, the giant boxer-shorts did not scramble away with him. While he was trying to retrieve them from around his knees, the Producer laid a giant paw on him. “Ready to go on with the show?” asked the giant. “Buhh…” explained Lenny, looking back at the slightly smeared wall behind him. “Ah. Jolly good.” The Producer picked him up by the armpits and dumped him heartily back on the barstool. Lenny huddled there, eyes darting nervously from Producer to the back of the auditorium, where the Brilla-flattening log had come from. “Okay people,” boomed the Producer, jowls wobbling. “Let’s take it from the beginning of Contestant Number Two’s answer. Ready?” It seemed they were. While Lenny tried to clear his head, Number Two raved on about her relaxation techniques, obviously oblivious to the fact that relaxation was the last thing on Lenny’s mind right now! She continued, obviously warming to the subject. Her voice took on a sultry edge. “I have this special bench for the initial exercises. A strap on each wrist and ankle, then we slowly crank the winch for maximum stretch. You have no idea how relaxing it is to pop your joints back into their sockets at the end of it all. While you’re there, you might want to try my neck and spine therapy. Guaranteed to leave you feeling like a completely new man. Just give me a chance, handsome. I’ll give you an experience you’ll never forget!” Lenny was sure he never would! At least, those recesses of his brain that had not given in to abject terror were sure. The rest of him simply sat and gibbered. “Well, there you have it. All three answers from all three contestants. While you’re deciding, Mr. Cludge,” and Lenny squirmed as the paw on his shoulder began to squeeze and massage, “let’s see how last week’s contestants have been getting on. Alia – Shill – are you there?” The audience roared its approval at this. It seemed that Brilla’s death had done nothing to allay their enthusiasm for the show. Of course it hadn’t, thought Lenny, weakly. They probably went through hostesses almost as often as they went through contestants! The satellite screen descended from the back of the stage. The audience fell immediately silent. Lenny craned his neck, anxious to see what was going on. It shimmered to life, with the scene of a single woman. She was breathtakingly beautiful. Long, raven hair, huge childlike eyes with dark lashes, high cheekbones, fragile and delicate as a lotus-blossom. She was dressed in a long, flowing robe of black and her face had an expression of sadness that somehow made her seem even more radiant. “Hello Brilla,” she said in a voice of sweet sadness. Then she looked again. “Oh… it’s you. Where’s Ms. Padd?” “Ahh… between incarnations,” said the Producer, shiftily. “Now, can you tell us about your date, my dear?” The girl gave a stifled sob. Then she lifted liquid eyes to stare into the collective gaze of the audience. “It was wonderful,” she whispered, “while it lasted. Shill was so happy when I picked out the Auroran Deserts for our date. He’d never been to a planet with nine suns before.” “Let’s see some pictures,” rumbled the giant. The audience applauded as a series of shots began to show on the screen. A crimson and yellow sky lit up beautifully against white sands. The raven-haired girl was hand-in-hand with a white crystalline creature. Its eyes and nose were pits of blackness, it had no hair and stubby arms and legs. Its head was almost perfectly spherical and its body seemed to be the same but larger. It looked like… It looked like… A snowman?? In the first picture, they were watching a sandworm procession. They looked unutterably happy together. In the second, they were enjoying a sand-bath. Lenny couldn’t help but notice that Shill was looking a little… well, not to put too fine a point on it… a little smaller. In the third, while they sat sipping exotic fruit drinks, he looked more shrunken still. There was a terrible feeling of inevitability about it all. The only ones who hadn’t seemed to see it coming were Alia and Shill. The penultimate picture had shown a virtually shapeless lump of ice, little bigger than a basketball. After that, it was just Alia. “At least he went out happy,” sobbed the girl. “I’ll never forget him!” The producer squeezed Lenny’s shoulder almost as tightly as Brilla had. “Never mind,” he said, hoarsely. “There’s always next time.” Lenny cringed. There was always next time. That was the worst of this horror. Blind Date never gave up on an unsatisfied customer. He had to pick right this time. He had to! As if echoing his sentiments, the Producer turned back to the audience. “Now, Mr. Cludge. Which of those three contestants do you want to try, eh? Here’s a reminder, while you consider.” The disembodied voice sounded through the auditorium. “The choice is yours, Lenny Cludge. Will you choose Contestant Number One – the glorified pompom with a bit of a discharge problem? Or Contestant Two? She wants to make your eyes pop, or simply pop your joints. Or will it be Number Three, who will sing you to sleep with the disembowelment blues. It’s up to you now.” Larry’s eyes raked the audience. They were shouting random numbers at him. He tried to think. What was he going to pick? Last edited by Shady Stoat on Wed Mar 29, 2006 9:59 am; edited 2 times in total Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Jan 24, 2006 4:41 pm    Post subject: i must say, i still think number 3 sounds the best she maybe be a bad singer, but being with her doesn't sounds like it's going to get you dead - or worse - mutilated _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Jan 24, 2006 4:47 pm    Post subject: Ooooooh. Decisions decisions. I think the carpet creature sounds safest. Nice chapter old Stoat! *chants* Poll poll poll! _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Jan 24, 2006 4:50 pm    Post subject: the carpet creature that's going to smother him to death? _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author dragon_fire372 Citizen Joined: 24 Oct 2005 Posts: 258 Location: Montana Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Jan 24, 2006 8:39 pm    Post subject: Hmm, a squeaky pom pom, a snaky-worm thing with odd massage techniques, or a leather-winged opera lover? I'd go with the winged one, cuz she may be violent, but not against you! You couldn't really say the same of #2, who'd probably put you on the rack to help you "relax", and the fluffball is...well...a little too fluffy, if you get my meaning. _________________ The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing ~ Edmund Burke Sans Dieu Rien Without God, Nothing Visions of Shadow - 2nd part of Uncertain Quests! Chapter Two Dreamwalker - Relocated to Linear Lane Sixth Chapter Linear Story Nightrobber Now Complete! Back to top Author Key King Joined: 08 Feb 2004 Posts: 2652 Location: The Royal Palace Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Jan 24, 2006 9:05 pm    Post subject: The squeaky pom-pom seems the least dangerous of the three. The smothering thing seemed to require lots of them, whereas just one of contestant two or three could put Lenny in the hospital. Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Jan 25, 2006 6:46 am    Post subject: Now would be the time for him to suddenly find religion and accept his calling in life. Have a spectacular salvation and transformation right there on stage, complete with ashes and sackcloth, and declare his vows of poverty, celibacy and silence. Barring a life changing conversion to priesthood, go for the discharging pompom. _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author Suneila Guest Items Posted: Wed Jan 25, 2006 12:15 pm    Post subject: The rack sounds pretty good right now*. But I think the discharging pom-pom would be the best. It might be disgusting, but it seems the least painful. ~sunny Thank goodness, I have a chiropractor appointment tomorrow. Back to top Author Key King Joined: 08 Feb 2004 Posts: 2652 Location: The Royal Palace Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Jan 25, 2006 10:14 pm    Post subject: Hmm...another idea, suppose he asks to date Alia. Of course, it's against the rules, but maybe he could convince the producer to bend them.... Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Jan 25, 2006 10:37 pm    Post subject: That was a suggestion I was preparing to make - thought about it last night. Good Idea Key. The show has been all but chaos anyway, I'm sure he could get away with it. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Jan 26, 2006 1:02 am    Post subject: Key wrote: Hmm...another idea, suppose he asks to date Alia. Of course, it's against the rules, but maybe he could convince the producer to bend them.... Wonderful! I love it when people think outside the partition Same rules apply as in chapter 8 though (when someone suggested that Larry could try to get both girls at once). You say he can convince the Producer? Give me a plausible starting point on how and I'll include the option in the poll Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Jan 26, 2006 1:07 am    Post subject: I think his best bet is ignoring the producer (and certainly not encouraging him ) and making a dramatic speech to the audience who I'm sure will find it entertaining. "Fair Alia, when I did but lay eyes on you my heart melted as surely as your date." Of course he could appeal to the producer on the basis that they have to find another date for Alia anyway - might as well kill two birds with one date and put them together. Happy Writing. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Jan 26, 2006 3:26 am    Post subject: The producer has a soft spot for Lenny, and I doubt he's going to want to set Lenny up with a date where things might actually work out for him. Bad for the producer, and not as good for the show (I'm sure the producer would rather have the same success that bringing Larry on the show had). The appeal to the audience might work. Let the crowd sway the decision. It'd be interesting to see the crowd involved like that too. _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Jan 27, 2006 3:01 am    Post subject: OK, Key's idea (backed up by Smee) is in the poll. Let me know of any other suggestions before I put the poll up tomorrow. So far I've got Contestant 1 Contestant 2 Contestant 3 Plead with the audience for a date with Alia As 'Declaring vows of priesthood and celibacy' would only get him a quick shot of pink-mist-serum, I don't think I can include it in the options, unless it's backed up with a cunning escape plan of some sort Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Jan 27, 2006 3:35 am    Post subject: Don't want the pink-mist serum...poll sounds good to me. _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Jan 27, 2006 4:33 am    Post subject: Me too - no more pink-mist. *shudders* _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2006 6:58 am    Post subject: 3 day poll is up. Enjoy! Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2006 7:01 am    Post subject: Voted for the ejaculating carpet. If that is indeed contestant 1. _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2006 7:04 am    Post subject: chinaren wrote: Voted for the ejaculating carpet. If that is indeed contestant 1. Euwww.... and LOL! (and indeed it is!) Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2006 7:06 am    Post subject: If you think that is horrible, just wait until you see Stoat/Powers' fling in the next ep of GvEvM!! _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2006 7:12 am    Post subject: chinaren wrote: If you think that is horrible, just wait until you see Stoat/Powers' fling in the next ep of GvEvM!! I'm sure it will be as bad as only you know how to be, oh master of EVIL (and I bet they'll deserve each other too!) Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2006 4:00 pm    Post subject: went for no.3 _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Jan 31, 2006 7:06 am    Post subject: We have a plea to the audience coming up. Wooo! Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Jan 31, 2006 2:21 pm    Post subject: CHAPTER FOURTEEN Thinking Outside the Partition… Lenny shuddered. They all sounded hideous! Even the famed Larry Cludge hadn’t had to put up with an ejaculating carpet, a screeching hellspawn and an eyeless torturer! Well, not all in one show, anyhow. Well, not all in one show where there didn’t even appear to be a good-looking one, anyhow. Well, not all in one show where there didn’t appear to be a good-looking one and he hadn’t been able to wriggle out of it in some other way! That last though charged to a sudden halt in his brain. His eyes widened. What if there was a way out? Gary Fledge reeled. There was no way he was going to survive this one. A scorpion, a medusa and a psychotic cyborg? Brilla had really set him up this time. It was all about ratings, after all. When the last of his shows had polled 0.02% down on the viewer percentages, it had given Ms. Padd all the excuse she had needed – and she’d never needed much excuse to start with! He was doomed! Well then, a doomed man had nothing left to fear. He stood up and walked to the front of the stage. The audience watched him like… well… like a bunch of voyeuristic, intergalactic weirdoes, now that you came to mention it. They were fascinated and expectant. More importantly, they were, for once, being quiet and actually listening. “There’s this girl,” he said, simply. “She’s not one of the contestants. I met her backstage a long time ago. We’ve been trying to get together for months now, but this game-show keeps getting in the way. Every week it’s contestants one, two and three, when all I really want to do is spend a bit of time with the one woman who can make me happy.” “Err… chuck?” Brilla’s eyes gleamed manically. “You said ‘the one woman’. Does that mean you choose Contestant Number One?” She made a gesture to cue the horrendous theme-music. “Well, let’s take a look at the girls you rej…” “No, it bloody well does not!” exploded Gary. The theme-music died like the wail of a brutally squashed hedgehog. “I want Xandara. Just Xandara! She’s seen parts of me that nobody else has…” he floundered, flushing crimson, “… I mean, she’s touched me in ways no-one else… Look, I’m begging you – all of you – let me pick my own date. Let it be Xandara!” He gazed imploringly at the audience, daring to hope… ‘Close Encounters of the Spurred Kind.’ The final book. The one that broke the formula - and incidentally caused the greatest debate among his father’s fan-club. That disappointed collective had found it hard to come to terms with the fact that Larry Cludge would be releasing no more Close Encounters and had spent years wrangling over the rules and whether they should have been allowed in the first place. Had they been allowed? Had it really happened, or had Dad simply made that part of the story up? Oh, what the hell! It was hardly a significant risk, considering what lay beyond the partition! He wriggled out from beneath the Producer’s paw and strode to the front of the stage, feigning a confidence he did not feel. “I choose…” he paused, letting the crowd get interested, “…Alia.” In less time than it takes than a teenager to turn the music up once the parents have left the house, a triple-pronged screech of objection volleyed forth from the contestants. The audience was hardly any better. They brayed, hooted, stamped and chattered amongst themselves. No doubt the ratings were rocketing at this point. Lenny had to hope so! He shouted over the din, trying to make his words heard by the audience. At this volume, there was no point in going for quiet honesty, like Gary had. It would have to be no-holds barred romance and hope-to-god it worked! “Fairest Alia,” he bellowed, waxing full lyrical, “When I did but lay eyes on you my heart melted as surely as your date. His cold exterior was no match for the fire of my passion. If you but give me a chance, I can persuade you to warm to me, and together we can fan the furnace of love.” He stopped, out of breath and slightly nauseated by the sickliness of his speech. For the first time in his life, he found himself thankful for all those hours of poetry study at school. Even a ghastly metaphor was better than having no words at all – and there was no indignity to which he would refuse to stoop, if it would get him out of dating one of the three regular contestants! By the sound of it, the audience weren’t specialists in the difference between good oratory and complete and utter slop. They seemed to love it! The cheering and cat-calls were drowning out the objections from beyond the partition. Lenny risked a glance behind him, trying to gauge the Producer’s reactions to all of this. Incredibly, the wrinkly face was lit up in a smile. Uh-oh! Lenny’s stomach began to twist. If Saggyface was happy about this, it couldn’t be good news at all! Old Wrinkles beckoned towards the side of the stage and a hovering gremlin emerged. The two of them began to mutter in low voices. “…highly irregular. It clearly states in the rules…” “Rules be damned – what about the ratings? We’re sitting on an Idearium Mine here, we’ can’t…” “…budget for half the series. You can’t be serious…” “We’ll get triple that if we can keep the viewers. Think about it…” Lenny reeled. Why was the Producer fighting so hard for his corner? Oh, this was bad! This was very bad indeed. He opened his mouth to tell them that maybe he had changed his mind… It was too late. They nodded, obviously having agreed between themselves. The Producer turned back to the audience, who immediately fell quiet and leaned in hungrily. “Well, we do have an unusual case here. What else could we expect from the Son of Larry, eh? Still, in the spirit of true love, and for a very special,” (and here the Producer wrapped a giant arm around Lenny, rather more affectionately than was strictly necessary), “contestant, I think we can make an exception.” He held up a paw as the protests began anew. “Please! None of our contestants will go home empty-handed. Numbers One, Two and Three – you will each get to pick one of the dates from the four envelopes. It will include an all-expenses paid trip, for you and a partner of your choice, to the place described within. Finally, Lenny and Alia,” (he paused until the round of spontaneous applause had died down), “will get their own special day, in the form of the one remaining prize.” There was an ‘oooooh’ from the audience that seemed genuinely impressed. Lenny couldn’t see any prompt-cards, so he had to assume the reaction was genuine. At this point, though, he was hardly prepared to trust that anything was as it seemed. Including Alia. Especially Alia! The contestants seemed to have quieted their objections somewhat. Only a single voice of dissent remained. “…but we’ll never get the chance to meet Larry Cludge’s son again, I mean it’s not as if a prize like that walks into the show every day, getting a holiday is all very well, but one of us is supposed to end up with the guy on the other side, not some jumped-up little strumpet who’s already gone through…” “Oh, put a sock in it, sister! It’s not like he would have chosen you anyway. You’ve got about as much charm as a used toilet-brush. Come to think of it, you look like a…” “Ladies! Ladies!” The Producer’s voice cut through the rising air of hysteria. “If you’re not satisfied with the eventual outcome of the show, all you need to do is go through the correct complaints procedure.” He paused as the sound of heavy, clunking footsteps sounded from the other side of the partition. As soon as they stopped, he spoke again, his face creasing into a map of wrinkles. “Now, just state clearly, and for the record, what exactly your complaint is.” There was silence from the other side of the curtain, broken only by a rather fiendish laugh from Contestant Number Three. Saggyface let it drag out for long seconds. “Right then,” he said, finally. “That appears to settle it.” A deep, rasping voice spoke from the other side of the curtain. “Is dat okay den, boss? Should I let da littul hairball down now?” “By all means,” said Saggyface, pleasantly. There was the sound of a rather squeaky gasping. The sort of sound made, in fact, by a contestant having the grip around their throat released suddenly. Lenny had the feeling that the complaints procedure was less a procedure than a humungous great troll with arms like tree-trunks and a brain to match. He suddenly had no great urge to make a complaint. At least, not until he was a few thousand light-years from this place. Maybe then. Or maybe not, considering that his last complaint had landed him here! “Holidays for everyone,” continued the wrinkly giant. “It’s time for you to meet the two… uhh… three contestants that you rejected. Contestant Number One, step out please.” There was a blasted of theme-music, finely orchestrated for whoopee cushion, pregnant moose and bagpipes that had been stepped on. Still rubbing at her – its? – throat (presuming there was a throat under that mass of hair), a diminutive creature stepped around the partition. It was just over four feet tall and resembled nothing more than Cousin It seen under the influence of psychedelic drugs. She (Lenny reluctantly resigned himself to using the female pronoun) was covered in matted, spiky hair from head to foot. No features were visible, other than the ends of the four limbs. Even they were short and stubby, more matching the dimensions of a dwarf than a human. The hair itself was a seething mass of colour. Brilliant green, violent purple and dayglo yellow made it look like the hairy equivalent of a three-day-old bruise. The tip of each hair seemed lighter and filled with static that made it float and wave randomly as she trundled forward. Lenny got the uncomfortable feeling that he now knew what ‘Zzzizzitt’ would feel like, minus the soft fluffiness. Thoughts of exchanging Alia for Number One disappeared at the thought of being zapped by a thousand tiny electrodes at once. It was not something he would get a buzz out of – if he could possibly avoid it! Wrinkles put on his presenter’s face again (managing the Brilla smile to the extent that his eyes virtually disappeared and his tooth-count doubled). A small child somewhere in the audience began to wail. “Flussie Wumpet, congratulations on living through the elimination round of the show. Meet Lenny Cludge.” A stubby paw came out and grasped Lenny’s hand tightly. It pumped up and down all the time Flussie talked. “Oh, Mr. Cludge – Lenny – may I just say what an honour it is to meet the son of Larry. A real pleasure – if anything goes wrong with the date – I mean, if you survive the date and you get sick of the little trollop, just give me a call, I’d be more than happy to pick up where she left off, has anyone ever told you you look exactly like your father – only younger, of course, he was getting on a bit by the time he appeared on…” The Producer had spent his time fruitfully. At his summons, a large, bogey-coloured ogre pounded onto the stage and picked the contestant up by her throat (presumably for the second time in as many speeches). She dangled, hairy feet inches from the floor, making various faint bubbling noises. Random strands of hair zapped ineffectually at the ogre’s slablike arm. The Producer appeared completely unbothered by this (although the audience were going crazy with approval). He quickly shuffled four envelopes and held them out to Flussie. Lenny watched, unable to decide whether he preferred being in the clutches of Brilla… or this new menace. Perhaps ‘preferred’ was a bad word to choose, he decided. ‘Loathed less’ seemed more appropriate to this situation! “Pampering, sight-seeing, adventure or theme,” he said in his jolliest voice. Flussie wheezed. Lenny looked down at the envelopes. Just as they had in his father’s day, each slip had a pictorial representation on it. Three of the pictures remained identical. That much had not changed. The troll massage, the sandbag duel and the erupting volcano. Now, though, they were joined by a silhouette of a figure in a cowboy-hat being crunched in the silhouetted jaws of what looked suspiciously like a T-Rex! Gulping, he wondered which one the hairball would pick – and what he would be left with at the end of it all! ======= OK, just to make this absolutely clear, you are deciding on behalf of Flussie, which envelope she is going to pick. Then there'll be two more mini-chapters, with similar choices. I didn't think it would be practical to try and get a consensus on what all the female contestants would do next, so you're getting it in installments. *grins* Don't blame me - you lot broke the formula! Last edited by Shady Stoat on Sat Feb 11, 2006 8:21 am; edited 1 time in total Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Jan 31, 2006 4:14 pm    Post subject: *giggles* We broke it. I say Fluffy picks the volcano...she doesn't seem the sandbag or T-Rex type, and I doubt after her feet hit the floor again, that'd she'd be too thrilled being massaged by trolls. _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author Ingrothechundyer Guest Items Posted: Tue Jan 31, 2006 5:05 pm    Post subject: I say go for the troll. Nice chance to be waited on and there probally won't be a troll there Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Jan 31, 2006 5:39 pm    Post subject: The Volcano calls! _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Feb 01, 2006 4:40 am    Post subject: F5 cren _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Feb 01, 2006 4:44 am    Post subject: Most entertaining. *instantly suspects we'll be left with the T-Rex * I think - given all the hair etc, that must require lots of looking-after, she'll choose the pampering depicted by the troll. Happy Writing. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Feb 01, 2006 4:47 am    Post subject: Smee wrote: *instantly suspects we'll be left with the T-Rex * Isn't that rather up to the readers? No evil of my doing, I promise you! *represses evil grin... barely* Back to top Author jess1561 Guest Items Posted: Wed Feb 01, 2006 7:33 am    Post subject: I say the volcano... Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Feb 01, 2006 12:17 pm    Post subject: the trolls - the trolls i really dont know what i want _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Feb 02, 2006 11:25 am    Post subject: Since Flussie has been hanging for 2 days now, I thought I'd put up the poll. Vote now and put her out of her misery Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Feb 02, 2006 3:43 pm    Post subject: went for the trolls in the end _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 7:12 am    Post subject: Given such a clear majority for 'pampering', I decided to just go ahead and write the next mini-section. Sorry to anyone who didn't get a chance to vote, but I think pretty much all of you did in the end Coming up... Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 7:13 am    Post subject: CHAPTER FIFTEEN: First One In… Lenny hardly dared to look. Flussie was swinging like the world’s most wriggly pendulum, making little bubbly noises and crackling with random sparks of electricity. The Producer seemed oblivious to any of the inherent wrongness of choking a contestant to death in the middle of a televised show. Obviously intergalactic audiences had risen to a much higher level of civilisation than those of poor, backwater Earth. He held the envelopes out in a neat fan-shape, waiting for the fuzzball to choose. Lenny waited too. He held his breath. He might be okay, as long as she didn’t choose the… Oh. His heart sank as a stubby arm jerked out and snatched the ‘Pampering’ option. He’d rather been hoping for that one himself. It may indeed have been possible to kill people with kindness, but it was preferable to killing them with extreme venom. He would have taken his chances! Flussie was lowered to the ground, where she croaked and rubbed at the area where her throat was buried under mounds of hair. Meanwhile, the voice-over began its incurably cheerful spiel. “Flussie Wumpet, you have selected a date for two in one of the galaxy’s most renowned indulgence hot-spots. You and your partner of choice will be flown to the Dessicrean Mud-Pits. There, you will spend a day wallowing in the warm slurries and sludges that make Dessicree so special… and incidentally, so rich. Take in the rejuvenating effects of a bath in Roc guano. Go for that scrubbed and scoured feel as you lower yourself into the pit of dragon-bile. Or simply relax in the luxurious comfort of ten thousand puree-ed missionaries, blended for your maximum satisfaction. You can dine at their special ‘All the mud you can eat’ menu at the famed Sticky’s House of Slops, follow the mountainous mud-trails or visit the museum of mud, for a more full understanding of its origins and history. Thank you for playing… ‘Intergalactic, Inter-dimensional Buh-liiiiiind Date’!” Flussie was half-led, half-dragged off stage, all the while wheezing and complaining. “My hair! My beautiful hair! Please – not the mud pits, it’ll take me weeks to re-condition it, I’m allergic to dragon-bile, can’t I change my choice, swap with…” Her voice faded abruptly – rather as if someone had attempted to hammer her into the floor with a giant grey-green fist, in fact. Lenny and his eardrums were in complete agreement about the relief they felt. Seeing Flussie had only confirmed his opinion that dating her would drive out the last tattered fragments of his remaining sanity. “Now,” boomed the Producer, “Let’s meet Contestant Number Two. Step out please!” She made her way around the partition, slinking towards Lenny with hips that seemed impossibly full of swagger. On the way, she bent down to retrieve the remnants of her eyeball from the stage floor. After a quick dusting, to get the grit off, she casually jammed it back into the empty socket of her eye. Lenny felt the urge to throw up. Even so, his eye took in details that were really not that repulsive. Not that repulsive at all! The creature was a lizard-like humanoid, with scales the colour of pale sand. She was barely an inch taller than him and she had curves in places that no lizard should have curves. The eye seemed to be regenerating and returning to its normal placement and colouration, even as he watched. Within seconds, it was indiscernible from the one that had stayed in its socket. Its slitted nose was surprisingly delicate, lying flat against the protruding upper jawline. Dark crimson lips framed a mouth with narrow fangs and a forked tongue. She wore nothing but a dress of floaty blue material. It gave the appearance of being see-through, without revealing anything that it should. At the beginning of the show, it had probably looked beautiful. Now it was somewhat dishevelled and torn in one or two places. Still, there was something about this contestant that made even rags work for her. “Another survivor of the show so far.” The Producer broke the silence. “Anasia Slew, you get one of our fabulous holidays. Which one will it be?” Anasia ignored the wrinkly giant and instead sauntered right into Lenny’s personal space. Her slitted eyes were unreadable as she gave a sharp-toothed smile. “Here’s what you could have had, handsome. Before he could think to react, she had wrapped him in her arms and enveloped his mouth with hers. He struggled and choked as a slitted tongue slipped between his lips and began exploring the interior of his mouth. Then he froze in confusion as it began to change shape in his mouth. He couldn’t be sure – not having had any first-hand experience in the matter – but it was beginning to feel more… well, more human! Despite himself, he began to warm to the experience. His eyes closed. A small grunt of pleasure escaped him as his tongue began to spar with hers. He could feel hands on his back and shoulders, pulling him further into the embrace. The sound of the audience screaming its approval faded into mere background noise, distant and somehow unimportant. Idly, his eyelids raised again. Mid-kiss, he yelped and leapt backwards so hard that he not only broke the tight embrace, but he almost sprained something. He stared at the contestant, shocked and panting. Somewhere in that timeless passing of seconds, she had changed form… into the spitting image of his mother, Sandra Cludge! His face screwed up in disgust. He felt unclean. That was just so wrong in so many ways! He resisted the urge to spit and wipe his mouth on his sleeve. Contestant Two seemed confused. “You don’t like shapeshifters, honey?” she asked in a sultry voice. “I could change my form back again, if you prefer? I just assumed you’d enjoy the same type as your father did.” As Lenny tried to get over his revulsion, the Producer obviously felt it was time to get the program back on track. “Anasia, you have the choice of three dates,” he said in his rumbling voice. “Flussie has already picked Pampering, so you get to decide between Sight-Seeing, Activity and Theme. What will it be?” Lenny swallowed nervously as Anasia considered… Last edited by Shady Stoat on Sat Feb 11, 2006 8:23 am; edited 1 time in total Back to top Author Ingrothechundyer Guest Items Posted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 7:48 am    Post subject: Very nice I think she'll go for adventure. Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 10:03 am    Post subject: Shape-shifting, huh. I think she'd get a kick out of a themed date. Go for the Theme. _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 11:16 am    Post subject: Excellent chapter I agree, theme definately suits her - but then, would she pick something that she does all the time anyway. She's always involved in some theme. So it's either Adventure, or Sight-seeing. For someone who can change to adapt to circumstances, I think she'll be very interested in an Adventure. Happy Writing. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 2:53 pm    Post subject: i think she'd go for theme myself _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Feb 04, 2006 2:22 pm    Post subject: Since, again, every option has been raised by the readers so far, I've decided to put the poll up again. Mini-chapters take mini-amount of time. It'll return to normal again soon, I promise 3 days - or less if there's a clear majority again. Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Feb 04, 2006 5:04 pm    Post subject: went for theme as promised _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author jess1561 Guest Items Posted: Sat Feb 04, 2006 5:17 pm    Post subject: I think she'd go for the theme also... :hm: Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Feb 04, 2006 8:15 pm    Post subject: Went for the sandbags, just to be different, then found I wasn't as different as all that. _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Feb 05, 2006 5:12 am    Post subject: Clearly Adventure is what she'd pick _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Feb 06, 2006 4:32 am    Post subject: PHEW! I have finally gotten through! :biggrin: YES! Great great great (did I say great?) story Stoat, and I made it in time for a poll too! I F5 Lordy and Fauna and Jess, theme sounds the best option for a shape-changer. And a lizard pull ! Hilarious.... Great story Ms. Stoat, I shall follow diligently from now on! :biggrin: _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Feb 06, 2006 4:34 am    Post subject: And..... ZING! I created a tie! Sorry _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Feb 06, 2006 4:55 am    Post subject: Not a tie yet. There's still 21 hours for a new reader to come along, catch up with all the chapters and vote Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Feb 06, 2006 5:13 am    Post subject: No, but I created a tie at the moment. That's what counts _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Feb 06, 2006 7:54 am    Post subject: bad bad SB then _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2006 1:45 am    Post subject: Yes, me very bad.... Must go eat soil now.... _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2006 2:28 am    Post subject: Oooh, misread p.m. as a.m. There's another 12 hours to wait on this poll Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2006 12:40 pm    Post subject: lol _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Mother Goose Respected Citizen Joined: 09 May 2004 Posts: 511 Location: Connecticut Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2006 12:48 pm    Post subject: I'll break the tie! Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Feb 08, 2006 1:48 am    Post subject: Thanks, Mother Goose! 'Theme' wins it. Narrowly. I'll get scribbling... Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Feb 08, 2006 3:29 am    Post subject: Yay! My first vote in this SG won! I'm....so pround *sob* I'd like to thank my mum, my sister and all my fans........ Wow.... What the hell was that....? I sincerely apologise for that outburst..... I have no idea what came over me..... *wanders off looking worried* _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Feb 08, 2006 7:24 am    Post subject: CHAPTER SIXTEEN: Hell Hath No Fury… Lenny was trying his best to forget that he had just Frenched his own Mother. It wasn’t easy, though, with the image of her standing in front of him like that. She had the same quiet smile, the same tilt to her head, the same way of standing, even the same exquisite knees! With difficulty, he dragged his gaze away and focussed intently upon the envelopes instead. Theme. Activity. Sight-Seeing. Which one would a lizard shape-shifter go for? He released a grateful breath as she snatched for the silhouette of the cowboy and the dinosaur. Theme! Great! He had been dreading that one! “This one looks like fun,” lilted Contestant Two. She began to open the envelope at the same time as the voice-over leapt into action again. “Anasia Slew, you have won an exciting date in HellWorld – the first entirely Demon-run Theme Park. Visit the Eternal Flame-Pits and see the tortured souls roasting there. Take a tour around the Crypt Labyrinths and take your chances against what lies within. See the world’s biggest collection of torture implements at the Museum of Suffering. Ride on the Mighty Scythe of Death, or take a Handbasket to Hell. Then afterwards, you can watch the Virtual Apocalypse Show, while dining at Spiderbob’s Barbecue Palace. There’s no shortage of good roasting in HellWorld! Thank you for playing… Intergalactic, Inter-dimensional Buh-liiiiiind Date!” Before the shape-shifter could respond, a litany of complaint rose from the other side of the partition. “HellWorld? HellWorld?? How can some jumped-up reptile possibly enjoy HellWorld? It’s not even like she’s a salamander! I’ve been trying to get a ticket for that place for months and you’re telling me that she’s queue-jumped herself a double-date there? Make her pick another date, give that one to someone who can truly appreciate it. I’m telling you…” The Producer gave a nod to the grey-green ogre thing in the wings. It immediately clomped out of site. Lenny had a dreadful idea that he knew what was about to happen. He was entirely wrong, as circumstances would have it. After a few more sentences of incessant complaining, there was a sudden change in Contestant Three’s tone. “Try to touch me, would you? You miserable slug-smear, let’s see how you like this! And this! Annnnd…. this!” The audience howled its delight, stamping and cheering… and ducking out of their seats as a grey-green ogre came flying past the partition and into the midst of their seating. Lenny winced, knowing that, in a moment or two, he was going to have to get up-close-and-personal with whatever had just made the stage Bouncer do his best impression of a skimming-stone. Contestant Three spoke again, its thunderous voice returning to normal tones. “If you try that again, I shall be very cross.” As the ogre was picked up and carted away by the alien medical team, the crowd gradually seated and settled itself again. The lizard-woman (still stubbornly remaining in the form of Lenny’s mother) looked at the envelope and shrugged noncommittally. “Oh well. It could be entertaining enough, I suppose. Pity I’m not going with you, sugar.” With that, she blew him a final kiss and sauntered off the stage. Lenny’s relief was short-lived. With a gravity-defying effort, the Producer once more lifted his saggy features into a smile. “And finally… come forward, Contestant Number Three!” What appeared from behind the curtain was even worse than Lenny had imagined. In fact, his imagination, confronted with this vision of awfulness, promptly declared itself on strike, went to see its union leader and picketed the rest of his brain for extra danger-money. It – she – was eight feet tall, at least. Her flesh was dark and wrinkly, like the leather on an old couch. A pair of gigantic wings sprouted from her shoulder blades. They were folded back on themselves, otherwise, it was doubtful whether she would have fitted past the partition. She was all sinew and tendon, with blood mottling the blackness of her flesh, and her face was that of the gargoyle whom other gargoyles referred to as ‘the ugly one’. Her hair was a, upon closer inspection, not hair at all, but a writhing mass of black worms, maggots and caterpillars. She stank of carrion and her eyes glowed dark crimson. All clothing was completely absent. Although Lenny had often fantasized about seeing naked females in the flesh, he had always rather hoped it would be the girl of his dreams – not of his nightmares! He shuddered and tried not to look too closely; He had no intention of suffering from Post-Traumatic Flashbacks this early in his life! To Lenny’s unutterable relief, the creature did no more than pay him the brief courtesy of a nod and an dismissive: “Pleased to meet you.” Then, her burning gaze fixed on the Producer. He held out the two remaining envelopes. “Blight Mowlder, congratulations on surviving a round of the show. Two envelopes left. Yours to choose,” he said, jowls quivering. “Activity or Sight-Seeing.” “Well, I don’t know,” she pondered, “Are either of them something to do with Opera?” “You won’t know until you pick,” he said, jolliness oozing from every wrinkly pore. Contestant Three moved eerily fast, gliding forwards, grabbing him by the shirt front and pulling him within breathing distance of her fetid breath, all within a heartbeat. Dozens of spikes rose abruptly from her flesh as she hissed into the cowed Producer’s face: “Let me put it this way, filth! One of them had better be something to do with the Opera, otherwise I will eat your spleen for my afternoon snack. Do we understand each other? Just as abruptly as she had transformed, she changed back. She gently placed the Producer back on his own patch of the stage and dusted off her leathery claws carefully. “Oh, do excuse me.” she murmured, apologetically. “My temper tends to get the better of me at times.” She examined the envelopes in the Producer’s now trembling hands. “Now, which shall I choose?” Last edited by Shady Stoat on Sat Feb 11, 2006 8:24 am; edited 2 times in total Back to top Author Idea master Magus Extraordinaire Joined: 10 May 2004 Posts: 1787 Location: Sneaking Idearium into your beverages. Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Feb 08, 2006 8:35 am    Post subject: Hehe. I think that the more likely one to get her to an opera would be sight seeing. Of course, I'm probably wrong... And I love the idea of HellWorld! Good work Stoat! _________________ ...So I've been summoned back from beyond the veil. ...No plans yet. Back to top Author Ingrothechundyer Guest Items Posted: Wed Feb 08, 2006 9:49 am    Post subject: Hmm she'll probaly choose Sight-Seeing and demand a back stage pass to watch the rehersals Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Feb 08, 2006 10:05 am    Post subject: Whew...we're gonna miss Hellworld. Go for the activity. Better chance at getting something she likes with that one. _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Feb 08, 2006 11:02 am    Post subject: Excellent At the moment I'm glad we went for the appeal to the auidence - not exactly a trio of beauties you manifested there However, that instantly makes me fear for what she'll be like. Back to the decision point... If she is that desperate for Opera, then activity isn't the way to go. She'll go for Sight-seeing and the producer will see that last minutes of his life flash by. Happy Writing. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Feb 08, 2006 4:45 pm    Post subject: Hellworld eh? There's a story just in that. Ahh, I have forgotten the option details, so I will wait until the poll! _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Feb 08, 2006 9:40 pm    Post subject: Truly inventive, stoat. _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Feb 09, 2006 5:35 am    Post subject: Shady Stoat wrote: “Oh, do excuse me.” she murmured, apologetically. “My temper tends to get the better of me at times.” Sorry to point this out, but I think you meant to make this second bit of speech from the lovely demon lady red. Great chapter Stoat, although you got Lordy moaning over the fact that she was an ugly demon (Personaly I thought that it was quite amusing). I think that going for activity would have a higher chance of having something to do with opera, although both could really. She could do a little participation thing and sing along, killing everyone in the auditorium..... Can't wait for the next bit! :biggrin: *holds breath* _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Feb 09, 2006 5:38 am    Post subject: Thanks Soily. Fixed Last mini-choice coming up. I'll put the poll up in a few hours, so if anyone has anything exciting or disturbing to say, get those comments in fast Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Feb 09, 2006 6:43 am    Post subject: I think that [insert witty reply here]. Yeah, that would be cool.... .........What? WHAT? _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Feb 09, 2006 12:51 pm    Post subject: 3 day poll is up (less if it's a walkover again). Thanks for voting everyone Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Feb 10, 2006 8:04 am    Post subject: Voted for activity. :biggrin: *resumes breath holding* _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Feb 10, 2006 9:04 am    Post subject: voted - and winning _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author The Powers That Be Respected Citizen Joined: 19 May 2005 Posts: 545 Location: Santa Monica, CA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Feb 11, 2006 2:03 pm    Post subject: Caught up...and voted. _________________ Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway! Got a problem? Write to Dear Dotty! Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Feb 11, 2006 3:11 pm    Post subject: Welcome back Powers Back to top Author jess1561 Guest Items Posted: Sat Feb 11, 2006 11:58 pm    Post subject: I voted for the volcano... Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2006 8:09 am    Post subject: It's beginning to look like a bit of a foregone conclusion. I'll start writing and hope 8 people don't come along to spoil my fun Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Feb 12, 2006 3:24 pm    Post subject: Finally, I get to see the Volcano. _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2006 10:19 am    Post subject: CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: Beast and the Beauty Lenny was not the only one looking nervous this time. The Producer, devoid of his bodyguard, was glancing longingly at the exits. From personal experience, Lenny didn’t rate Saggy’s chances at getting out of here – at least not with his spleen intact! Blight, meanwhile, was stroking a long, black fingernail thoughtfully over the envelopes. After long seconds, she picked out the volcano. Her crimson eyes burned into the Producer, daring him to find anything but opera within it. Then, as she tore the slip of paper from its recesses, the voice-over began, its cheerful tones completely out of step with the tense atmosphere on stage. “Congratulations, Blight Mowlder. You have won a trip for two, to the thriving Port-Planet of Olfulalon. Reputed to have the best parties, the best cocktails and the largest range of entertainments in the Aldebron Range! Spend your time drinking in the culture… or simply drinking in the many taverns, clubs and theatres and gaming-pits. The weather is paradise, the natives are friendly and the fun doesn’t stop until your money runs out. And when it does – don’t worry! Olfulalon also has the best loan-sharks in the known galaxy. Trying to avoid repayment of debts can be a whole world of fun and games. Just don’t get caught! Enjoy your very special date, and thank you for playing… Intergalactic, Inter-dimensional Buh-liiiiiind Date!” Saggyface looked almost comically relieved. “There you are, my… my dear,” he said, even daring to pat her leathery shoulder. “I guarantee that you and your date will be given special passes to every operatic show on the circuit.” “Well then,” conceded the demon, seemingly mollified, “That will do, I suppose. The rest of it sounds dreadful, but I’m sure the opera will make up for it.” With a final, disinterested nod at Lenny, she stalked off stage into the wings. The Produce sagged even further (if such a thing were possible) in relief. He leaned over in Lenny’s direction and muttered: “With any luck, she’ll be safely on-planet before she realises that the Olfulalons have a planet-wide ban on all forms of operatics.” He shuddered. “Can’t blame them really. Dreadful stuff!” Lenny barely heard him. He was looking at the one remaining envelope, with the picture of sandbags silhouetted on it. His heart was busily burrowing its way into the pit of his stomach, while his stomach contents were in severe danger of escaping through his bowels. Activity. The worst of all possible choices. His father had had quite a lot to say on the subject of adventure-based dates! His recollections had included such romantic prospects as Dragon-Rodeo, Giant Scorpion Wrestling, Surfing on Solar Flares and The Great Annual Cannibal Hunt (which, just to be quite clear, did not mean that the cannibals were being hunted!). The only silver lining was that he didn’t have to endure it in the company of either Contestants One, Two or Three! Given the Producer’s glee over his choice of Alia though, he couldn’t help but wonder whether the silver lining was, in fact, a rapidly descending lightning bolt! As if reading his thoughts, Saggyface pulled him back to reality with a booming voice. “Only one envelope left to be revealed, Mr. Cludge. But first,” his eyes disappeared into yet another smile, “you have to meet the lucky lady that you chose. Do we have her? Yes we do – Lenny Cludge, Meet Alia Ali’aye!” He held out a heavy paw in the direction of the wings. Lenny caught his breath as his choice of date appeared and wandered towards him. She really was beautiful. Still dressed in black robes, her creamy skin was accented still further by the waves of dark curls that flowed lustrously down her back. She had looked tiny and frail on the satellite screen earlier, but she seemed only a couple of inches shorter than Lenny himself. Her eyes were dark and limpidly expressive, and there was a sadness in the line of her mouth that made Lenny ache to see a smile. She seemed weary but unsurprised at being here. She looked him briefly up and down, taking in the near-nudity and huge boxer shorts without notable reaction. As she gazed into his face and smiled forlornly, he began to wonder how many blind dates the girl had been on before. Certainly this did not seem like her first experience with the show – but surely she wasn’t such a veteran as his father had been? He looked to the audience, who were standing and cheering to the last man, woman, it, thing and other. Alia’s name was being chanted, in a manner that suggested, not only that they knew her of old, but that she had been magnificent entertainment in the past. Facts: She was breathtakingly beautiful. She seemed sweet, upon first impression. She had been on the show multiple times. She was still single. Oh, he was in big trouble! “Alia. My love. This is Larry Cludge’s son.” The Producer pushed her a step forward, sounding for all the world like a professional match-maker. Lenny tried to lift his features into an expression of intelligence and poise. Unfortunately, since his nerves had decided to do the fandango in his facial muscles, what came out was more of a lop-sided leer. Alia’s expression became vaguely less distant. “Larry Cludge?” she asked, her voice clear and soft. “I’ve seen the re-runs.” And that, apparently was that. The Producer cleared his throat, looking from one to the other of them with concern that seemed unmatched by the occasion. “Well,” he rumbled, “It’s time to see what special date you two have cho… have been left with.” He held out the envelope to Lenny, who took it with shaking hands. He hesitated, then handed it over to Alia. “You open it,” he mumbled. “I can’t look.” Alia peeled open the envelope with no discernable enthusiasm. “An action-packed adventure in a Gouiskan Haunted House,” she sighed, as the audience went wild. “Yes indeed,” crooned the voice-over. “Lenny Cludge and Alia Duw, you are destined to be sped to Gouiska – the legendary Planet of the Dead where, at virtually no expense, the show has gained access to one of their Spooky Mansions, in the centre of the Cemetary District! Learn the perilous arts of ghost-hunting, stumble through the gore of the zombie hordes, get the blood pumping with a good old-fashioned vampire workout… and, who knows, maybe you’ll find time for a bit of romance in the process. Anything is possible when you play… Intergalactic, Inter-dimensional Buh-liiiiiind Date!” Lenny ran a hand over his face. When the people on this show talked about a haunted house, the chances were they weren’t talking about spooky music and a few creaking floorboards. It was about as passion-inducing as… as wearing an over-large pair of someone else’s undershorts, come to think of it. Then again, perhaps he should be grateful at the lack of romantic prospects. It was less of a chance to fall flat on his face with a pretty girl - again! The last thing he needed was yet another best friend to use his already over-soggy shoulder! Alia looked no happier about it as she was dragged in the opposite direction to him. Her head turned to track Lenny as a many-legged stage assistant started to lead him away. Buoyed by her attention, he looked back and gave her a hopeful smile which lasted right until he walked into the side of the front curtain. Tangled and flustered, he struggled with the thick red velvet and felt the shorts slipping into a rapid descent. He finally got himself unsnarled, blushing furiously. Listening to the delighted whoops of the audience, he could only hope that Alia had not been paying attention. ‘Smooth, Lenny,’ he thought, furiously. ‘Real smooth!’ The caterpillar-like creature was still waiting patiently for him. Lacking anything else to do, he followed it off the stage. A rather grim-faced lady was waiting in the wings. Her pale hair was tortured back into a tight bun and there was a clipboard in her hands. She had ‘Legal Department’ written all over her. No, really! Her grey dress had a repeated motif of scripted writing, in multiple languages, all of which translated into her job description. Only able to read the Earth languages (and not all of them), Lenny nevertheless got the idea. Lenny wasn’t sure which was worse – facing the mouldering rage of the undead masses, or going head to head with one of the show’s lawyers! “You need to sign the waiver,” she snapped, briskly. “Let’s see… I think we can cross out Eaten by swarms of angry fish… and Burned to a crisp in outer atmospheric freefall… and Tidal waves, sand storms, lightning strikes, earthquakes… no, on the other hand, I think we’ll keep lightning strikes and earthquakes. You never know, with ‘Activity’. The rest can stay in as well. Sign please.” She thrust the pen at Lenny, who hesitated, until he caught a glimpse of a spiky-furrred foxoid with a syringe and a bottle of pink liquid. He muttered something that turned the air a faint shade of blue, then scrawled his name on the bottom of the sheet. “Very good, Mr. Cludge. Now, if you’d like to follow S’lee to the costume department,” ordered the woman. Lenny turned to find a three-legged guppy waiting expectantly for him. It turned and walked away. As Lenny followed, he glanced nervously at the fox-thing, only to see it injecting a full syringe of ‘pink’ into one of the pot-plants in the corner. As he watched in amazement, the plant’s stem began to rustle and three of its leaves unfolded. Finally, a bud burst forth on a new, green shoot. He was still furiously kicking himself for being intimidated by plant food, when the guppy stopped, nosing a spangly door to his left. Lenny opened it, hesitantly. He had arrived, as expected, at the costume room. It seemed to be run by a golden-skinned man with a penchant for clothing in skintight tinfoil with sequins added for extra glitter. Despite his eye-dazzling fashion-sense, the man seemed almost normal, compared to what his father had had to put up with. To Lenny’s relief, he was given quite tasteful alternative clothes to wear. White cotton shirt, brown trousers and tunic, made of soft and pliable leather. Rather camp knee-length boots, but at least they were comfortable. If the worst he could say about the date was that he looked like a pantomime version of Prince Charming, then he would be lucky indeed! He was rather more ambivalent about the other accessories. Vials of ‘holy’ water (an effect rather spoiled by the trademark logo on the bottom of each vial, and the 15% discount sticker on the side), various holy symbols (made of rather cheap-looking plastic, probably as holy as your average Big Mac), throwing daggers, a knife for close combat, a sword that fit into his belt-scabbard (and would probably stay there as long as Lenny wanted to keep both feet attached to his ankles), something that looked rather like a ray-gun (which he was assured was a genuine, authentic anti-ethereal death ray), a rather kinky looking whip, a mallet, 3 stakes, a necklace of garlic and a slingshot with three silver bearings as ammunition. His knees were close to buckling by the time he walked out of the door. He resolved to dump as much of the equipment in the shuttle, as soon as he could. At least that way, he wouldn’t be clunking around like Robbie the Robot, drawing out every hostile killer wraith in the Mansion of Undead Ghastliness! The guppy was waiting for him outside in the corridor. He followed its ambling progress as slowly as he dared. Prisoners walking to the electric chair had been known to go faster. Any minute now, he would be expected to get into the transport shuttle. A delay would be nice. Any delay. Personal intervention by God, swarm of locusts, nuclear explosion – he wasn’t fussy. He was surprised, therefore, to find himself being led into a room where two pillars of light were shimmering from floor to ceiling. Three people were already there. Alia, dressed in black leather trousers and a bodiced tunic that made his eyes bulge, an android behind a control panel… and the Producer himself. “Err…” began Lenny. Saggyface’s wrinkles deepened into an inquiring frown. Alia glanced at him with polite disinterest. “Err…” he tried again. “Where’s the shuttle?” “The shuttle? Oh my dear boy, you’re behind the times,” laughed the Producer, jovially. “It’s all done by teleporter now. Much quicker and more economical. One blink and you’re there. Look – my boy – I just wanted to say… good luck on your date. I’m sure the two of you will do just fine.” He stretched his features into an unlikely smile. Lenny watched carefully for any signs of malice or cunning. None were obvious… but, with a face like that, who could tell anyway? A moment later, he was gone, leaving Lenny alone with one of the most beautiful girls he had ever seen. She was staring after the Producer with a look of resignation on her face. Lenny wanted to tell her not to worry, that together they could tackle any obstacle that was thrown at them, that he would do his very best to make her forget her glumness. He took a step forward… and promptly fell over the tip of his sword. He staggered and lurched, brushing past Alia’s startled face and right into one of the light-beams. Instantly, there was that feeling of hell’s furnaces. Light and heat blinded him for a fraction of a second, then he completed the last step of the tumble and landed on his knees on a completely different world. There was damp stone beneath his hands and feet, and an impenetrable mist swirling all around him. After a second or two, he realised that he had landed in a cemetary and jumped off the grave-marker with a non-too-manly shriek. “Oh, don’t worry,” said a gloomy voice from behind him. “They don’t come out until it goes dark.” Lenny whirled around, his heart thudding in his chest. As it turned out, his heart had gone to a lot of effort for nothing. What stood behind him seemed to be the least convincing Werewolf he had ever seen. It appeared to be nothing more than an oily-skinned humanoid with fake fur glued onto his cheeks, the backs of his hands and his eyebrows. He also wore a set of wolf ears that were attached by a plastic headband, and a set of the most fake-looking false teeth he had ever seen outside of a kid’s joke shop. As he tried to think of something appropriate to say, there was another stab of light from behind the fake wolfman. Alia stepped daintily out of the beam and looked around with infinite weariness. “Ah, good. You’re both here. If you’ll come this way,” droned the man. “I’ll take you to the house.” Lenny looked doubtfully at Alia, but she was already trudging along behind the guide. He shrugged and fell into step beside her. She gave him a cursory glance then returned her attention to the werewolf-thing in front of her. He seemed to be having a problem with his fake ears, and there was a muffled curse as his attempts to straighten it caused the headband to snap in half. “Look,” began Lenny, “I’m sorry about before – when I…” “I know,” said Alia, giving him the faintest of smiles. “I’m sorry too. When we get to the house, maybe we should split up, go our separate ways? It might be better for both of us.” “I… well… I… do you think so?” stammered Lenny, perplexed. “Why did you pick me?” she countered. Lenny floundered. “I… you looked… uhh… I mean, why not?” She looked briefly disappointed, as if he had failed some sort of test. Before they could continue the conversation, a huge house rose up out of the mist. The guide led them up the path and opened a highly-squeaky door, gesturing them inside. “Now don’t forget,” he gloomed at them, “if you’re in trouble, there’s plenty of cameras in the house that you can send a distress call through. I doubt anything will be done about it, but it improves the ratings no end.” “But…” protested Lenny. It was too late. The guide had shut the door behind them and there was an immediate clunk of a lock slamming into place. Resigned (for the moment) to his fate, Lenny looked around. He was in a huge entrance hall with floors of polished red wood. A huge marble staircase led up from the centre, splitting at the top to a balconied landing. There were age-darkened paintings hanging at regular intervals, an occasional suit of armour and a large chandelier which hung stylishly from the ceiling. The windows were stained glass, depicting various creatures of the night, devouring very put-out-looking adventurers. Heavy black drapes gave an even more gothic feel to the mansion; an effect which was spoiled somewhat by the perky little bowls of petunias on the windowsills. A signpost stood in front of the staircase. It looked incongruous, almost embarrassingly so – like a Shakespearean actor who has been reduced to selling laxative pills on Live TV. Lenny read its markings torn between a sense of dread and a sense of the ridiculous! One post pointed up. It read: Our Lady’s boudoir. Lair of the dreadful chattering twins. Elias Grimm’s bedchambers. WC and restroom. Another pointed straight down. It read: Dungeons of extreme torture. Pits of the forgotten. Crypts and caverns. Tea-shoppe. The one to the left read: The venomous arboretum. Courtyard of lament. Arena of doom. Vehicle parking. And the one to the right read: Hell’s kitchen. Laboratories of Mudric the Insane. The sanitarium. Gifts and souvenirs. He heard Alia heave a deep sigh beside him. “Any preference?” she asked, doelike eyes gazing deep into his own… Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2006 10:47 am    Post subject: ROFL!! Well, you've done it again Stoat! Hilarious chapter! Quote: Dungeons of extreme torture. Pits of the forgotten. Crypts and caverns. Tea-shoppe I think we just have to go with this one! :biggrin: I mean; Dungeons of extreme torture and a Tea-shoppe! Hilarious! _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2006 11:28 am    Post subject: The Boudoir seems to be the least dangerous! Nice chapter Stoaty! Now, what is wrong with his date? Mmm? _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2006 11:33 am    Post subject: Insomnia attack, China? You're not usually up at these ungodly hours! And how could you possibly imagine something to be wrong with so perfect a creature as Alia? Really! I'm shocked. Smirking a little... but nevertheless, shocked Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2006 11:35 am    Post subject: Ya. Can't sleep. I am all over the place lately. _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Ingrothechundyer Guest Items Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2006 2:07 pm    Post subject: very nice chapter! Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Feb 14, 2006 10:17 am    Post subject: chinaren wrote: Ya. Can't sleep. I am all over the place lately. Poor orange capitalist..... Maybe all that fur is keeping you from sleeping? _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Feb 14, 2006 1:03 pm    Post subject: sleep is over-rated anyways i have to vote dungeon its a dungeon i like dungeons _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Suneila Guest Items Posted: Wed Feb 15, 2006 1:01 pm    Post subject: It's gotta be either the Boudoir or the Tea-Shoppe. Also: They should stick together. The location is more dangerous than what Lenny doesn't know about his date. ~sunny Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Feb 16, 2006 1:08 am    Post subject: We think he should head into the dungeons/ tea shoppe first...then on up to the boudoir/ bedchamber, and where the restrooms are...perhaps prevent his pissing his pants. Happy Writing Smauna _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Feb 16, 2006 7:37 pm    Post subject: Great chapter. I read it a long time ago then I forgot to comment. Hey, maybe he could ask her what she wants, or at least ask her which way will keep him within the limits of mortality. _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Feb 22, 2006 8:24 am    Post subject: Poll's up again. Vote vote vote Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Feb 22, 2006 3:09 pm    Post subject: TEA-SHOPPE!! *holds breath* _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Feb 22, 2006 5:47 pm    Post subject: voted for the dugeons - and winning _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Feb 23, 2006 3:51 pm    Post subject: Darn, didn't notice the 'be a gentleman' choice.... Ah well _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Feb 25, 2006 8:43 am    Post subject: Vote's over. They're going dungeonwards and having a nice cuppa while they're there. *starts scribbling...* Back to top Author DukeReg Citizen Joined: 12 Oct 2005 Posts: 287 Location: Australia Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Feb 27, 2006 12:04 am    Post subject: I missed participating in Round 1 and almost missed Round 2! I really like your amusing descriptions, Stoat, you do it really well well. I'd even dare to say that your writing reminds me of Terry Pratchett's, which is a big compliment in my book. Keep it up... _________________ Duke Reg Completed SGs: Tempting Fate Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Feb 27, 2006 12:14 am    Post subject: Thanks DukeReg. Glad you found your way to the humor section at last. Even gladder that you like my funny stories Now go and vote in SGotM Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Feb 27, 2006 12:36 am    Post subject: Quote: Now go and vote in SGotM For Narg. _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Feb 27, 2006 4:26 am    Post subject: Have some shame Chinaren. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Feb 27, 2006 5:06 am    Post subject: Smee wrote: Have some shame Chinaren. Sorry, I don't do shame. _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Feb 27, 2006 7:05 am    Post subject: chinaren wrote: Sorry, I don't do shame. We noticed _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2006 8:28 am    Post subject: CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: Remote Access… Lenny looked through the options with mounting trepidation. He thought of inviting Alia to go upstairs with him. Perhaps a little forward, considering that they’d only been introduced to each other an hour or two ago. He could also see it being a tad off-putting when some ghost started moaning about them scuffing up the bed-linen. The Venomous Arboretum, then? Whilst a walk in the gardens was potentially romantic, Lenny couldn’t see that the possibility of snakes and stingers and poisonous thorns would add much to that atmosphere. Anyway, car-parks were almost as bad as bedrooms as a destination for a first date! He looked quickly past the option of Hell’s Kitchens and the Insane Laboratories. Mad inventors and rooms full of sharp implements were a particularly bad combination, in his opinion. All that left was… Lenny sighed. “Shall we start from the bottom?” he said, pointing to the sign which pointed both to the dungeons and the tea-shoppe. Alia blinked her long eyelashes as she considered. “Well, I could do with something to drink,” she nodded, at last. “Right then. It’s decided.” Lenny hesitated, then spoke again. “Umm… how exactly do you suppose we go straight down from here?” “There’s a staircase at the back of the hall,” replied the girl without hesitation. “It’s just behind that door over there. The one that says ‘to the Dungeons’.” He squinted. There was definitely a sign on the door, but he could barely make out the fact that there were words, never mind what they were! “How did you know that?” he demanded. “The show used this place as an Activity location, two years ago,” she said, slipping her small hand into his. “My sister came here on one of her dates. Shall we go?” Her fingers felt warm and delicate, intertwined in his own. He was torn between worrying about what the date would hold and wondering whether he should read anything into her small gesture of affection. “Your sister?” he asked, to take his mind off both subjects. “She was on ‘Blind Date’ too?” They headed towards the door behind the marble staircase. As they neared it, Lenny indeed saw that it had the expected message marked on it. Exactly what it said on the signpost: Dungeons of Extreme Torture. Pits of the Forgotten. Crypts and Caverns. Tea-Shoppe. That was just typical of the show, he thought, wearily. You might get eaten, but you wouldn’t get lost! Alia looked resigned, as she answered his question. “My three sisters and my brother too. Ever since my parents met on the show, they’ve become convinced that it’s the only way to find true love. Especially my father – he’s very definite on the subject.” Lenny hesitated at the doorway, wondering if he was making the right choice. Then he mentally surrendered. In a place like this, there were only wrong choices to make. He might as well get it over with. “And…uhh… has it worked for them?” he asked, gazing down at the torch-lit stairway before them. Alia stepped forward, tugging at Lenny’s hand. He followed unwillingly. “Oh yes,” she said. “Well, mostly, anyway. Two of my sisters are married now. The other one got eaten by a giant leech, but they managed to cut her out before the digestive juices did too much damage. She spent some time in Post-Show Rehabilitation and started up a thing with her therapist. My brother’s been dating the same contestant for a few years now. The thing is, though, that she’s from a world where the wedding ceremony consists of cutting off the Groom’s Mother’s head as a symbolic gesture. I doubt they’ll be getting married any time soon.” “Oh,” he said, stupidly. The staircase was not wide and Alia was brushing up against him as they descended together. It was distracting, to say the least. As was the faint musk of her perfume, the way her hair shone in the torchlight and, to be blunt, the amount of jiggling that was going on in the upper portion of her bodice. Even if, contrary to his past experiences, she was romantically interested in him, she was simply too good to be true. There had to be a catch, he thought, anxiously. Or did there? He would never know unless he asked. He tried to phrase a tactful question, skirting around the edges of his concerns. “Umm… so… how many shows have you been on?” ‘Let it be one, let it be one, let it be one,’ he chanted to himself, unaware that he was squeezing down on her fingers. She uttered a little whimper of protest and he blushed in the near-darkness. “Eight,” she sighed, dashing his fondest hopes. “So far.” They reached the bottom step. A musty-smelling tunnel lay before them, leading in a single direction. The atmosphere was slightly spoiled by the neon sign flashing up at ceiling-level, saying: Dungeons of EXTREME Torture “Subtle,” murmured Lenny as they set off down the passage. He halted suddenly as he heard a distant scream. It sounded like someone’s intestines were being dragged out through their ears – and not in a good way! Now it was Alia’s turn to tighten her fingers around his. He swallowed his own fear and tried to look reassuring as he turned to her. “We could go back if you like?” She turned to him. Her breath was shallow and very, very visible, straining against the lace-up bodice. Suddenly, he found himself wondering whether eight appearances was that much, and whether she could really be all that bad. And whether his trousers had always been this tight or uncomfortable. “Where else would we go?” she asked, softly. “I guess you’re right,” he said, trying to sound sympathetic instead of just plain scared. He ventured an arm around her waist and was delighted when she pressed against him in obvious gratitude. Whatever was coming up, extreme torture or not, it would almost be worth it, for this moment alone! They made their way through the tunnel, keeping close as the screams and shrieks grew louder. It sounded terrible. Their imaginations huddled, frightened to venture into the pictures that those appalling howls conjured. Hence, it was rather a shock when they turned a dank corner, only to find a long line of creatures queued up against the left-hand side of the corridor. They talked amongst themselves in low voices, apparently oblivious to the suffering that was so audible to the two newcomers. More than anything else, it reminded Lenny of a theme-park, with a row of hopefuls waiting to test out the new ride. Another anguished cry rent the air. The crowd shuffled and whispered to each other. Lenny leaned over to Alia, talking in a low but urgent voice. “What’s going on?” She looked perplexed. “I don’t know. My sister never came this way. What should we do?” He gulped, knowing that he had been about to ask her the very same question. His male vanity rebelled against saying ‘I don’t know’. Alia was relying on him, he had better think quickly and think well. He made up his mind. “Whatever they’re queuing for, it can’t be good,” he whispered, eyeing the tunnel ahead nervously. “I say we go on and see if we can bypass the dungeons and go straight for the tea. Okay?” Alia nodded, giving him a quick, if rather bleak, smile. The two of them sidled along, trying not to catch the attention of those who lined the corridor. They needn’t have bothered. None of the individuals in the queue seemed to be at all interested in the passing couple. From time to time, they shuffled forward, looking resigned to a long wait and gossiping as the cries echoed through the cold stone walls. After a while, Lenny stopped taking any notice of them (the line of creatures, not the screams), and started concentrating on not falling over his sword again. At length, they passed another twist in the corridor and came to a barrier. A putrid stench befouled the air, and it seemed to be coming from the thing that blocked their way. Lenny felt his throat click dryly as he looked at the creature that faced him. It was just under six feet tall, but it was as wide as a hippopotamus, and about ten times as muscular. It’s skin was mottled white and sickly, and although it barely seemed to have a nose, the hugeness of its mouth and eyes made up for the lack. They were three dark pits of nothingness, yawning grotesquely out of its face. It curled sharp-taloned fingers over the barrier and leaned forward, leaking acidic dribble down the corners of its mouth. “You want the sssservicccce, Sssssir? Madam? You’ll have to queue, like everyone elssssse.” Lenny took a step backwards – firstly because this thing was straight out of his nightmare – secondly, because it smelled worse than a group of pensioners after their first curry-night – and thirdly, because he didn’t want to be eaten alive by burning drool. “I… I…” he stammered. “I mean… can’t we just pass?” “That would be…” The thing’s words were interrupted when a tiny bell tinkled from a dark recess above. “Oh. Excussssse me a moment.” It switched its attention to the tall humanoid in the queue beside them. “Your turn, Sssssir. Will you be requiring sssspeccccial cosssstuming? What number whip did you require? Any hot pokerssss? Pinccccerssss? We have a sssspecccccial deal on sssssspikesssss today. No? Well, off you go then.” He raised the barrier and the humanoid scuttled through. Before anyone else could think of joining him, the barrier was dropped with a definite ‘thud’. “Passsss, Sssssir?” Droplets of acid sizzled on the ground. “Going to the Pitsssss, are we? Or the Cryptssss?” “Actually,” said Alia, her voice steady despite the fact that she was trembling against him, “We wanted to go for a cup of tea.” “And a scone,” piped up Lenny, and immediately wished he hadn’t. “Well, I’m sssssure you know what you’re doing, Sssssir. Madam. Although we do a thirty percccccent dissssscount for couplessssss. No? Ah well, you’d better passsss then.” He raised the barrier with obvious reluctance. Lenny and Alia squeezed past him with a reluctance that was no less obvious. They turned the final corner and came to a wide, metal-reinforced door. Another shriek rent the air and they clutched each other nervously. Still, as there was nowhere else to go, they turned the handle and pushed it open, stepping inside.. The heat hit them like an all-over body punch. They reeled and stared into the dungeon, seeing but not comprehending. The room was huge, its vast stone walls supported by pillars that sweated in the furnace-like atmosphere. Braziers were lit, pokers were sizzling and hot coals lay in random paths through the room, like obstacles in a hellish version of mini-golf. There were swinging chains, sturdy-looking ceiling hooks and steel rings everywhere, with people attached to them. Whips and blades, iron maidens and heavy weights were not just there to add atmosphere, it seemed. Whilst the tortured seemed to be of all races, the torturers were obviously denizens of the house itself. Ghouls raked their poisonous claws down blooded backs. Zombies fed on the flesh of the imprisoned and black-fleshed creatures of the night sharpened their knives as their victims struggled. A gaunt-faced zombie-girl lumbered up to them as they backed against the door. “I’m sorry,” she said, in drab tones, “Everyone is busy right now. If you’ll just wait there, someone will shackle you in a moment. “Uhh… we’re not… what is this place?” Lenny blurted the question out. “We’re looking for the tea-shoppe,” added Alia, her voice unnaturally high. “Oh,” the undead-girl seemed to slump even further. “Well, you follow the room around, past the branding irons, turn right at the nooses and you’ll see a door ahead. That should lead you in the right direction.” She looked out over the scenes of horror before her. “Pathetic, isn’t it?” she droned, conversationally. “Time was when the dungeons were really something! Camaraderie, job satisfaction, the lot. Now look at us! I’d walk right past, too, if I were you. Come to think of it, I’d walk right past if I were me – that is, if I had a choice – which I don’t. Worst luck.” Lenny was busily edging around the zombie-girl, pulling Alia along with him. A rictus of a grin was fastened firmly to his face as he nodded and smiled and tried to increase the distance between them, so that he could get out of this hellish place. The girl, it seemed, was intent on having a conversation, even if it was one-sided. “I mean, what’s the point in victims that pay to come in here?” she lurched after them plaintively. “The screams are…” She paused, as another scream resounded in their eardrums. “…all very well,” she continued, drearily, “but afterwards they thank you for it. It’s so humiliating! You get the hottest pincers and the rustiest scissors, and what do you get for it? Some complete pervert asking if you’ve got anything more ‘EXTREME’!” She sighed and sped up to match their pace (which by now was half-jogging). “I’m not in favour of it myself. I mean, the wages are better than they used to be, but where’s the tradition? That’s what I want to know. Torturing to order, there’s something very wrong, if you ask me.” Nobody had. Lenny and Alia broke into a full-fledged run as they got to the branding-irons. They dodged past a wailing and broken-looking victim, just in time to hear him moan, “Ooooh, that was good… very professional…” to the dispirited-looking vampire who appeared to be feeding off him. It was only when they turned right at the gibbets and hurdled a particularly wide flame-pit, though, that the undead clerk seemed to finally give up on them. They heard a final, plaintive drone of: “You see what I have to put up with?” Before she turned back. They could see the door ahead. It read: To the Pits of the Forgotten – Abandon Hope All Ye Who Entrée Here! It seemed that being dead was no guarantee of being able to spell properly. Either that, or they were about to be eaten. At this point, Lenny was quite willing to trade up to some time in the stew-pot. Anything was better than spending another five minutes listening to the zombie-girl’s complaints! With no further ado, they opened the door and flew through it, clutching each others’ hands in a mutual death-grip. So fast were they going, that they only just managed to avoid falling head-first down a steep flight of steps. Wheeling their arms for balance, they came to a stop with inches to spare. “Further down?” asked Lenny, unwillingly. Alia shrugged, looking resigned. “It did say the pits.” “The Pits of the Forgotten,” he murmured. “Any idea what lies ahead?” She shook her head, nervously. “We’ll just have to find out the hard way. Let’s go.” “Okay,” agreed Lenny. Then, when neither of them moved, he sighed and ventured to take her hand again. Together, they started down the dim staircase. Flames guttered and smoked from the torches in the alcoves. Even so, they were spaced so far apart that there was only a dim glow every so often. The stairs were slightly slippery with moss and there was no handrail. It became a slow ordeal to pick their way down, from step to step. From above, they could still hear the occasional cry of anguish. Below them, though, there was nothing. It was unnerving. What else could they do, though, but go on? The staircase seemed to go on forever, but at last they hit the point where there were no more. Lenny and Alia looked out into a wide pit of damp stone. At least, they attempted to. Due to the mist that rose thickly all around, they were unable to see more than a few feet ahead at a time. “Straight ahead?” whispered Lenny. Alia nodded, swallowing nervously. They started into the mist. It began almost immediately. There was a plaintive chittering. It sounded like a small forest-creature, crying for its mother. Although vaguely familiar, Lenny had never heard anything quite like it before. Alia, however, stopped in her tracks. “Dintsi?” she said, staring incredulously into the mist. “Huh?” asked Lenny, glancing from the mist to Alia, and back to the mist again. She didn’t answer him. Instead, she took a step forward and held out her hand, tentatively. “Dintsi,” she called, still looking at something that Lenny couldn’t see. Worried now, he kept pace with her. “Alia – what are you staring at?” “It’s Dintsi,” she explained, explaining nothing. He frowned and put a hand on her shoulder. “I realise that,” he said, patiently, “but what’s Dintsi?” Alia never even looked at him. Her face was alight with a kind of childish hope. “He’s my pet river-gumb,” she said, wriggling to shake free of his restraint. “I haven’t seen him for ages. Not since…” She trailed off, as if lost in memories. “There’s nothing there.” Lenny turned her face to his. “I can’t see anything. I think this must be…” Now it was his turn to go silent. From another direction, there was a shout that sent chills down his spine. “Yoo-hoo! Lensie! Where’s my little boy?” His hand fell bonelessly from Alia’s shoulder, while his mind slowly turned to putty. Granny Cludge! What was she doing here? Monstrous images rose in his mind, of wrinkly skin and the scent of lavender and old-person; a chin so thick with whiskers that it was almost worthy of being called five o’clock shadow and that dreadful croaking voice, demanding: “Come and give Granny a great big kiss!” The mist was thickening, but he could still see the shape shuffling towards him. Bent and arthritic, yet still an image full of horror. He half-turned, only to see that Alia was disappearing into the mist behind him. His nerve snapped and he half-stumbled, half-sprinted after her. “Dintsi – come on, boy – why won’t you come?” Alia talked to the invisible creature in a sing-song voice. She stepped steadily onwards, holding her hand out and making little clucking and chirruping noises of her own. Lenny struggled to think. His mind was clouded with images of non-existent pets and elderly relatives and… ‘She’s dead.’ “Uhh… Alia…” he began, only the thought had already vanished into the clouds again. ‘Granny Cludge died sixteen years ago.’ The thought wandered through his head, making as much sense as a town-centre Evangelist, and being every bit as persistent. Slowly, Lenny fitted the words together, as if he were doing a particularly difficult jigsaw. “Uhh… Alia…” he tried again. “When did you last see… umm… Ditsi?” “Dintsi,” she corrected, absently. “He disappeared when I was seven.” She stopped as if only now considering the implications. “Granny’s here. Lensie!” With a monumental effort of will, Lenny ignored the voice behind him. “So how old do these river-whatsits live to, anyway?” “I…” Alia’s eyes began to clear a little. Just a little. “Six or seven years? But he’s right there!” “I don’t see anything.” A shambling form came out of the mist behind them. Lenny pointed. “Do you see her?” “Who?” “That’s what I thought.” Lenny pressed his hands against the sides of his head, struggling to make his brain work against the cloudiness. “I think… they’re dead.” “Dead? He’s just over there.” Alia turned. Lenny turned her back so forcefully that she stumbled against him. He locked fervent eyes with hers, holding her attention. “They’re dead, Alia. I don’t know how, but they’re just in our heads. Maybe we forgot about them, and the Pits have brought them back. I don’t know. We’ve got to get out of here!” Something of his words was getting through to her. He only wished it would happen quicker. The old Granny was advancing on him moment by moment. “But… I loved Dintsi,” she offered, hesitantly. “What’s so wrong about staying here? It’s better than the dungeon, isn’t it? We can get to see all those things that we’ve lost in the past. All the things we miss.” Granny was too close now. Lenny, somewhere in the depths of his brain, knew that it was irrational to feel this way about her – she was just a kind old lady who wanted to get to know her grandson better. It still followed, though, that the only image he got when he thought of her was of two wrinkled and whiskery lips, pursed and accelerating towards his face in a way that offered no escape. Heart thudding, he retreated away from her, stopping only when Alia began to make crooning noises at her imaginary pet. “Quit that,” he said, made irritable by his fear. “We’ve got to get out of here.” “Why?” “Do you really want to come face-to-face with everything you’ve forgotten?” he demanded. “What about… what about the monster-under-the-bed?” he asked, feeling triumphant until he saw the blank look on her face. “Okay then – what about…” he floundered. “Have you woken up from a nightmare and not been able to remember it, a couple of minutes later? Do you want to encounter that while you’re down here?” This time he scored. Her face paled. “We need to leave,” she said, looking scared. Lenny nodded. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. Trouble is, I don’t know how. We can’t see a thing through this mist!” “So… something wants to keep us down here?” Alia paused thoughtfully, looking ethereally beautiful in the midst of the fog. “In that case, all we need to do is keep away from the things that tempt us, and move towards the things that are trying to scare us away.” Lenny’s mouth hung open. It was brilliantly simple. It was also brilliantly awful. Alia seemed oblivious to his discomfort. “Let’s see if I’m right,” she said, wrapping an arm around his waist and heading directly towards the shuffling spectre of Nana Cludge. Hanging back in terror would not have been macho. Even so, it was a near thing. Male pride and unreasoning horror picked up their hammers and made war inside his head. The result was that his legs were jelly, his eyes were scrunched tight shut and his stomach was doing its best blender-impersonation as he shuffled forwards, into the horrors of the unthought of and the forgotten. Granny Cludge got closer and closer, hovering into lip’s range and smelling of mustiness and lavender as she cackled and gibbered and… …became insubstantial after the mere shadow of one of her horrible kisses. After that, it was a long and tortuous journey to the exit. None of the nightmares and temptations could touch them, but here in the mist, with their hearts and minds muddied by phantoms, it didn’t seem that way. The spirits of the barely-remembered tugged at them and, when that didn’t work, repelled them with equal ferocity. Time seemed incalculable and they had no idea how long they had been in the pits when they finally caught sight of the stairs. They struggled up out of the mist, no longer caring whether they were heading back to the dungeons or on to the crypts. Still, as their minds cleared and the next signpost appeared, they felt a profound sense of relief. This Way to Crypts&Caverns. Take a Break at the Tea-Shoppe. Lenny gasped as Alia flung herself into his arms and hugged him tightly. He wrapped his arms around her as awkwardly as if she had been Granny Cludge – but with a lot less reluctance. He wondered – for the umpteenth time – whether she had any real interest in him, or whether she was just relieved at having survived this long in a haunted house. He wondered if his curse was finally broken and whether one Blind Date would be enough to get him the girl of his dreams. Then he wondered what it was that had made the Producer so happy with his choice of Alia. He had the bleak suspicion that, far from having his cake and eating it, he would end up tripping on it, doing a double-somersault, putting his back out and landing face-first in the cream! Finally, she disengaged herself, slightly red-eyed but with a weak smile. “Sorry,” she said, looking a little embarrassed. “Don’t be,” he answered, and meant it. He smiled back in return. “What you need… is a nice cup of tea.” “You’re a good friend,” was her slightly disturbing response. Just as his heart was sinking to the pit of his stomach, she leaned in and pressed her lips against his in a kiss. To his lasting regret, it was over before he had a chance to get over his amazement. There had been none of the full-on passion of the shapeshifter, a few hours before. Then again, it had seemed, even in its brevity, to hold the promise of something more than the platonic. Compared to his recent experiences with Granny-kisses, it was the sublime and the ridiculous! But what had she meant by it? Before Lenny could ask, Alia was tugging him forward by the hand again, and the moment was gone. They were breathless by the time they got to the top of the steps, but it was only a short walk until they came to a junction in the passageway. To the left, there was a sign, reading: Crypts&Caverns. Advanced, Five Hundred and Sixteenth Edition! To the right, the sign read: Tea-Shoppe – Rest, Weary Traveller. As they hesitated, they heard faint voices coming from the left. It blended with the clash of metal upon metal. “Hey, watch what you’re doing with that thing. It’s a plus-five sword – you could take someone’s head off with that!” <tzing><clash> “That’s the idea!” <crash><clash> “Wait! I want a ref’s decision on this one. Hey, Ref! Does a 3 save?” <smack><squelch!> “ARRRGHHHhhhhhhhh!” <pause> “Apparently not.” Lenny looked at Alia. “Let’s go get some tea?” She nodded. “Let’s.” They went right, into a rock corridor that ended at a door. Experience had taught them to look before they leapt, and so they pushed the door open and peered inside first. Considering what they had dealt with so far, this seemed fairly innocent. The theme was Sweet-Grisly, but that was the worst that could be said about it. The rock walls had been painted pink and speckled with pinkprick dots of red. The overall impression was of being inside someone’s stomach-lining. Various skulls hung from the ceiling, with candles embedded behind the eye-sockets for illumination. Four drudge-zombies were engaged in menial tasks; fetching and carrying, sweeping the floor and rubbing a rag over the table tops. There were three customers of varying species, all looking relaxed and comfortable, with a variety of mouth (and eye) watering drinks and dishes in front of them. Each of them was sitting at a different, yet identical, table. The tablecloths were of a recurring ghost-in-a-waistcoat motif that wasn’t even cute the first time you looked at it. The crockery and cutlery carried on the same motif ad nauseam. At the far end of the room, there was a wide counter, filled with surprisingly appetising dainties. The caterer looked old and wizened but definitely alive, which was a relief. A dumbwaiter descended rapidly as they watched, delivering a plate of hot something, before disappearing upward again. They ventured carefully between the tables and went to look at the menu-board. It read: Dishes of the Day Eyeball Stew Sticky Ribs Corpse-fingers Entrails on a bed of wild hellgrass Pot of tea and a cream bun Bile-duct Soup (with a roll) Diced rodent on toast Selection of sweet cakes Selection of blood cakes Hot chocolate – with live marshmallows If you do not see what you require, please ask “I might have had more appetite if I hadn’t read the menu,” murmured Lenny under his breath. Then, to Alia. “Fancy anything?” To his relief, she looked as unenthused by the selection as he did. Whatever was wrong with her, at least her tastes didn’t run to yumming-up on eyeballs and diced rodent! “I’ll just have a pot of tea,” she ventured, at last. She raised her voice a little and addressed the old woman behind the counter. “What sort of tea is it, please?” The crone rattled off a list of completely incomprehensible names, in a bored voice. Lenny was lost at the first, but Alia seemed to understand what she was talking about, and seemed relieved at the answers she was getting. “I’ll have the Licerain blend,” she said, raising her hand to cut off the litany. When she saw the bemused look on her date’s face, she added, “It’s nice. You’ll like it.” “Uhh… okay.” Lenny gave her an uncertain smile. “Do you want to grab a table?” She smiled back at him – the first genuinely happy expression he had seen on her face so far. It transformed her from being merely beautiful to breathtaking. With difficulty, he prised his eyes away from her and set his mind to the task of ordering some tea. “One pot of… of what she just said.” Lenny pointed at his date who was busy settling herself at a corner table. “And… umm… what’s in that cake?” “Cream, Sir,” wheezed the crone. “And?” he prompted. “Sugar, Sir. Eggs, flour, a touch of cinnamon, water…” She addressed him patiently, as if she were talking to a small child. “No blood then?” he interrupted, feeling foolish. “The blood cakes are over there, sir.” “Right then. I’ll have two of those.” He gave a sigh of relief. “Complementary, Sir. Always happy to oblige contestants from the show.” It was only then that it occurred to Lenny that he hadn’t brought any money with him – especially not the kind that a place like this would accept. He doubted his cheque guarantee card would hold much sway here, although these creatures might make a nice snack out of it if the menu was anything to go by. He had got lucky for once. He turned around to offer a reassuring smile to Alia, only to find that she was nowhere to be seen. Scanning the room again, he found that it made no difference at all. His date was well and truly gone! “What’s happened to Alia?” he demanded, his voice unnaturally loud in the pinkness of the tea-room. “Alia, Sir? Oh, you mean your date?” The woman clucked her tongue. “Oh no. It’s happened again. Luuuunston!” One of the lantern-skulls detached itself from the hook and came floating down to hover between Lenny and the counter-woman. As he gaped, the crone addressed the floating head. “The young lady who came in with this gentleman. What happened to her, Lunston?” The jaw yawned open. It turned to face a corner table. “Swiiiing,” it said, in rusty tones. “Oh dear.” She turned back to Lenny and grimaced apologetically at him. “It looks like one side or another has pulled the revolving table trick on her, Sir. She’s gone now, won’t be back.” “Gone?!” Lenny pulled his voice down an octave or two, then repeated, “Gone? What do you mean? Who’s taken her? What’s happened to her? Where is she? How do I…” “Please, sit down,” interrupted the woman, gesturing to one of the tables. “I’ll pour, shall I? Then I’ll see if I can explain.” Lenny hovered, tempted to start breaking things, to start screaming and grabbing this woman by the throat until she spilled the truth… or… or… until he felt better, anyhow! Then he looked at the undead cleaners and wondered how his inadequate sword-play would test against those creatures. Unwillingly, he sat and allowed the woman to pour him some tea. He left it untouched and stared accusingly at her. She sat down with a creak and a groan. “Now, my lad, you want to know where your girl has got to? Well, it’s hard to say. Either side may have taken her. There’s the Lady’s forces and then there’s the Sister of Mercy and her minions. Either way, you won’t get her back without a fight.” “But what would anyone want with Alia?” demanded Lenny, helplessly. “Both sides want the same thing. The one thing that’s been driving this war for nearly two years now.” She paused, then said, with a drama that seemed, in the circumstances, overdone. “The remote control!” “The… what…?” The old lady looked at him in all seriousness. “There was much rejoicing in the house when two viewing screens were bought, a few years back. One went downstairs, one on the upper floor. Peace and harmony reigned between all spirits and lost souls. Then, disaster. The upstairs remote control went missing and, despite looking down the back of the couch and under the bed and in the old garbage heaps, it was never seen again. Well, there was nothing else to be done. A raid was carried out and the upper floor returned triumphant with the one remaining TV control. Then a counter-strike, and a retaliation and on it went. Now, two years on, we have the War of the Remote Control. Two TVs, one remote control – it’s anarchy waiting to happen! Your girl probably got taken as a hostage. You wait – there’ll be a ransom demand before long. Whichever side took her will try to trade for her safe return.” Lenny’s throat was dry. “What do they want?” “Haven’t you been listening, my lad? The remote control. Unless you can give them that, they’ll send your girl in after it herself. They might do that anyway, come to think of it.” At that moment, the corner table whirled around with an audible clunk. Lenny leapt up, spilling hot droplets of tea on the tablecloth as he sprinted over. There was a note, pinned to the ghostly tablecloth. We have the female. She is safe – for now. Bring us the remote control or she will not remain that way for long. Warriors of Our Lady He sank onto the chair, only to leap up again at the thought of it revolving around into the wall again. Instead, he stumbled back to the table where the old woman still sat. “Warriors of Our Lady,” he said, fighting the urge to shout. “Who are they? What do I have to do to get the remote control? How can I get Alia back?” “Well,” began the old crone, doubtfully. “The Lady dwells upstairs, so presumably the remote control is with the ground floor lot at the moment. You could go up the back steps to the upper floor and talk to her, I suppose. She might settle for less – or at least a different trade. Hard to tell with Her Ladyship though. Or you could just go straight after the control. The dumbwaiter leads directly up into the kitchens. It’ll save you the walk through the pits and dungeons, at least. If you want to track your girl directly, just sit at the corner table and we’ll whirl you around, you can chase after her from there, you might catch them yet.” She paused. “But if I were you, I’d just forget the whole thing. No tourist ever came to good who went after the remote control. You’ll be marching straight into a war zone, sonny. Stay here and have a nice cup of tea and a cake. How about it, eh?” She gave him a yellow-toothed smile and patted him on the arm. Lenny barely felt it. His thoughts were circling around a single question: “What am I going to do now?” Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2006 8:58 am    Post subject: well, he knows from reading his dads books that if he doesn't get allia back then he'll have to resit the date until he's satisfied, so he'll have to get her somehow i wouldn't adive using the table - he doesn't know how many of them there are, and bursting in to use his rusty sword skills isn't wise i wouldn't advise going straight after the remote - who knows where exactly it is, and who else is there i'd go to see the lady, find out if a different trade can be made instead _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2006 9:46 am    Post subject: Oooh awesome chapter and decision point. A lot to take in though. I'll be back with thoughts. Happy Writing _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Key King Joined: 08 Feb 2004 Posts: 2652 Location: The Royal Palace Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2006 10:11 am    Post subject: Great chapter. I agree that he should try to talk to the Lady, arrange a different trade. Take the dumbwaiter up, avoid the pits and dungeons. Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2006 11:31 am    Post subject: Quote: There was much rejoicing in the house when two viewing screens were bought *Titter* Hilarious chapter your Stoatliness! As for how he's going to win back Alia.... *ponders* I think that he should forget Alia and ask to have a date with the shape-chang..... no, that would just be silly. I think that he's going to rationalize that a daring rescue attempt would be the best way to win Alia's heart, and he desperately needs all the help he can get if he's going to avoid another 'let's be friends' situation! So I think that despite it's dangers, he should let them use the table to go after her, and if he can catch up with her captors and try and rescue her. Otherwise he can follow them (or their trail) to find where she is being kept and then either try and rescue her or reason with her captors, wheter its for finding the remote or some other task. If I can come up with another idea that possibly involves mudsharks and yellow-snow, I shall return.... _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2006 12:38 pm    Post subject: actually that shape-shifting idea is being to look very tempting now _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2006 1:01 pm    Post subject: Lordy, you really should just give your posts a once over before you post em' Then you wouldn't have so many mistakes... _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2006 1:18 pm    Post subject: well, you try typing while watching anime in a small screen - see how easy you find it _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Ingrothechundyer Guest Items Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2006 2:20 pm    Post subject: Hmm negotiating a different trade is starting to sound like the best option right now. Back to top Author DukeReg Citizen Joined: 12 Oct 2005 Posts: 287 Location: Australia Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2006 2:47 pm    Post subject: I'm thinking that he should use the revolving table immediately. Surely he will be able to find the ones who took Alia, and get to the Lady more easily that way. He should catch the warriors and use them as guides/escorts. He should not, of course, start swinging his sword at them, but if he finds them right away, he wont get lost like he would if he tried to find his way there by a different route on his own. Once he gets there, he should try to negotiate with the Lady, in such a way as to avoid The Remote Wars as much as possible. _________________ Duke Reg Completed SGs: Tempting Fate Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2006 2:51 pm    Post subject: or he could join the Lady's service ( or the other party of course) and become one of their warriors, and never half to worry about going back to the show again _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2006 3:22 pm    Post subject: I'm with Duke Reg here, go after her. If you can join her at least you could go after the remote together. Excellent chapter Stoat. _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Mar 01, 2006 1:54 am    Post subject: Offering a trade seems a popular idea at the moment. Maybe Lenny should put some thought into what type of thing he could offer in return for Alia? Obviously the specifics will depend on the situation, but he's much more likely to succeed if he's done a little planning in advance. Suggestions, anyone? And thanks for all the gratuitous compliments too. Glad you liked the chapter Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Mar 01, 2006 4:29 am    Post subject: Yep - Duke has a good point there. Swing round and get going. I'm still wondering what the catch is with Alia - there must be something for her to have been on the show so many times. Although saying that the contestants are rarely pleasant so maybe she's just been unlucky. Happy Writing _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Mar 01, 2006 6:34 am    Post subject: well, Larry (i think that wsa his name) was on the show for how many times? it's not always that theres something wrong with them - maybe there's just nothing wrong, which becomes a problem _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Mar 01, 2006 6:57 am    Post subject: *giggles* Granny kisses Don't go after her by way of the spinning table. Obviously you aren't going to be able to catch up that way...otherwise they wouldn't keep using the damn thing to kidnap people. This has been done before, so you're dealing with pros. I like Key's idea of taking the dumbwaiter, but rather than heading up to the Lady, he should go down to where the remote is. Just ask to look at the thing. If he's any good at slight-of-hand then try to liberate the remote and trade it for Alia. Otherwise, think up something clever. Maybe an elaborate time-share system, complete with a catchy slogan about turning off the television and getting outdoors to enjoy life (somewhat like those cheesy public service announcements they play during children's programming these days, in an effort to combat the problem of childhood obesity). Find out when whoever watches whatever show...it's doubtful that the same programs are preferred downstairs as upstairs, and possible that the favorites air at different times. He's always been good at listening. Just get in that dreaded friend zone with the Sister of Mercy and her minions, and then see if you can't do the same with the Lady upstairs (who might be more inclined to accept you if you've actually touched the remote that she covets). _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author OmegaTerra Citizen Joined: 14 Feb 2006 Posts: 120 Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Mar 01, 2006 3:11 pm    Post subject: Go get the remote by any means necessary, then sit in front of the TV and forget about Alia. Channel surf And remember, no matter what she looks like, some man some where is tired of putting up with her crap. _________________ Good night and good hunting! And the story goes The Orc and The Not so Fat Fat Fairy The Orc says.... The Twisty Stoat says.... Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Mar 01, 2006 4:09 pm    Post subject: Quote: And remember, no matter what she looks like, some man some where is tired of putting up with her crap. Hehe! I have seen that one before, and I liked it then too! _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author dragon_fire372 Citizen Joined: 24 Oct 2005 Posts: 258 Location: Montana Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2006 9:56 pm    Post subject: Our man is a listener, let him use his talents. And I'm wondering, with Alia - maybe she's jinxed? She always looks so sad, so maybe her dates keep dying Look at what happened to the snowman. Heh, look at where he is now. Death seems to be a possibility (though of course not a desireable one). _________________ The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing ~ Edmund Burke Sans Dieu Rien Without God, Nothing Visions of Shadow - 2nd part of Uncertain Quests! Chapter Two Dreamwalker - Relocated to Linear Lane Sixth Chapter Linear Story Nightrobber Now Complete! Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Mar 03, 2006 12:29 pm    Post subject: Great Chapter! I think he should go straight for the remote. Battle plan? "Quick, eveybody abandon everything, there's a team of Ghost Busters at the door!" _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author DukeReg Citizen Joined: 12 Oct 2005 Posts: 287 Location: Australia Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Mar 03, 2006 1:47 pm    Post subject: D-Lotus wrote: Battle plan? "Quick, eveybody abandon everything, there's a team of Ghost Busters at the door!" I like this. I still think they should take the table, but this would be a good backup if he gets into strife at any time... _________________ Duke Reg Completed SGs: Tempting Fate Back to top Author Mother Goose Respected Citizen Joined: 09 May 2004 Posts: 511 Location: Connecticut Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Mar 03, 2006 1:49 pm    Post subject: Would there be any possibility of finding another remote in this world? Maybe he could offer to go on a quest for one if the Lady will allow Alia to go with him to help. Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Mar 06, 2006 3:52 am    Post subject: OK, I'm putting the poll up tomorrow. Thanks for the great responses, guys. I'll try to live up to all the effort you've put in Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Mar 07, 2006 11:03 am    Post subject: Poll's up for 3 days. Vote now now now Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Mar 07, 2006 11:19 am    Post subject: Sticking by the time-share idea. I want to hear him talk the Lady and the Sister into something agreeable. _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Mar 07, 2006 12:51 pm    Post subject: I like the idea of the great quest for a second remote. Does this planet have an Argos? _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Mar 07, 2006 12:53 pm    Post subject: went for giving up, and hooking up with the shape shifter somehow _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Mar 07, 2006 12:53 pm    Post subject: For once I'm going to have to F5 someone. I agree with Smee; a second reomte quest sounds fun. Though I was tempted by the 'put the kettle on' idea. But that would be a little anti-climatic don't you think? *holds breath* _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Back to top Author Suneila Guest Items Posted: Wed Mar 08, 2006 12:43 pm    Post subject: I'm going for the second remote. There's gotta be another one on this planet somewhere, right? ~sunny Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Mar 10, 2006 11:00 am    Post subject: The quest for the 2nd remote seems destined to get underway. To the lady for a negotiation then. Thanks everyone Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Mar 11, 2006 7:47 am    Post subject: CHAPTER NINETEEN: Pushing Buttons Lenny was desperately aware of the seconds ticking by as he pondered. He could give up on Alia, of course. His conscience squirmed at the prospect (and he silently damned his be-a-good-friend instincts to the deepest levels of hell!), but the fact remained that he could, theoretically, sit back down and have another pot of tea and… …and what? Wait for this date to end – and the next one to begin? They wouldn’t let him off the show until he had got himself hooked up with some female or other. The next one might be a fire-breathing locust-beast, and he would still have to try and make it work, rather than return to the clutches of the Producer again! Shrugging off that thought with a shudder, he considered taking the revolving table and giving chase to the kidnappers. He wouldn’t stand a chance against them in a fight, but maybe they could escort two people to the same destination as one? Except that he already knew where they were heading – and had been given a shortcut to the destination. He had no reason to go running off after a set of undead thugs when he could just climb the back stairs and be there when Alia arrived. It was cowardly, true – but Lenny consoled himself with the fact that it was also practical. Then again, if he was going to have to go after the remote anyway, maybe he had better just get it over with and take the dumbwaiter directly up to the ground floor. Then he could… … get killed due to his complete incompetence with a weapon of any type and end up haunting this place along with all the other freaks and monsters! Not the best-thought-out plan he had ever hatched! All that left was the Lady. The tea-shopped woman had said she might deal. So be it. “Where are the back stairs?” he said, at last. The crone pointed to another alcove. “Over there, sonny. You see the patterns of corniced flowers on the wall? Well, count sixteen up and seven from the left, then give the centre of the flower a good, firm press. That’ll get you to the secret stair.” Lenny was already rushing over to the alcove. He called out a quick, but fervent, “Thanks!” before centring his attention on the task before him. It seemed, all in all, a waste of perfectly good attention. Somewhere in the centre of the wall was a carnation-like flower, eight times as big as all of its neighbours, coloured in bright orange (by what looked like a child’s felt-tip), with a neon sign perched just over it. The sign read: Press here for the SECRET PASSAGE!!!!! Lenny rolled his eyes. This house may be many things, but subtle was not one of them! He pushed the flower into the wall with the heel of his hand and was rewarded by a set of flashing lights and victorious sounding bell-chimes. He stepped back hurriedly as the wall slid to one side, revealing a stone corridor behind it. A large signpost pointed right and upward, with the words: CONGRATULATIONS!! You have found the SECRET PASSAGE!!!!! “Yeah. Secret,” muttered Lenny and stepped inside. Instantly the wall slid closed again and he was left alone with only the regular neon signs for illumination. He sighed and began to trudge along the corridor. His respect for the dangers he faced abruptly returned, as a row of three sharp spikes shot from the left side of the wall, nearly skewering him like so much kebab! As his nerves were still trilling their alarms, a sign lit up at ceiling height. You’re doing great!! (Note: Do not read this sign if you fell prey to the sharp spikes). This way to your destination!!! His heart was doing the samba in his chest. Mingled with the fear was a level of irritation that Lenny had never reached before. This was irritation that had put in the hours of hard work and got its diploma. This was irritation that had slaved double-shifts at MacDonalds in its spare time, just so that it could earn its Irritation Degree. This was Irritation that had gone that one step further and become a Doctor of Irritation. In short, this was the sort of irritation that, in comic-books, would result in bulging muscles, an unsightly shade of green skin and the subsequent need to steal a pair of trousers from a convenient washing-line. As this was not a comic-book, though, Lenny contented himself with kicking the wall so hard that his toes swelled up. He also said some words that were in danger of turning the air an even more startling shade of blue than the neon signs. Thereafter, he trod (or rather, limped) somewhat more carefully along the corridor. The first pit trap nearly got him but he avoided the trip wires, the crossbow traps, the poison gas vents and the oh-so-devious bait-traps (a pedestal with a bunch of grapes on it and a sign above saying: Mmmm! I’m so delicious. Eat me! The various encouraging signposts, he was not so good at avoiding. They popped up at every hazard, telling him that he was getting closer, that ‘he could do it’ and, in one case, that he was the 1000th survivor of this particular trap and he had won a small prize, claimable at the gift-shoppe (and while he was there, why not take advantage of some special souvenir photographs and real zombie-rock). As far as Lenny was concerned, the only prize he was interested in winning was to get out of this damned tunnel! It was with great relief, therefore, that he saw a rickety wooden staircase at the end of the passageway. He forced himself to slow down and check for those few last traps. Finally, though, he reached the staircase and began to climb it with all the confidence of a paranoid in a firing range. The stairs were untrapped. Bliss! The neon sign above the top door read only: You have made it. Congratulations!!! Lenny turned the handle and peered inside. The first thing that hit him was the smell of cigar smoke. It pressed upon him like a physical force and he teetered on the top step, wafting away the drifting fume-clouds. When the smoke cleared, and his eyes had stopped watering, he ventured another look inside and tried to make sense of what he was seeing. The lighting was dim. There was a round table in a round room, with a dull brown tablecloth and an array of half-finished drinks. Six battered-looking chairs were pushed up around it. Two of them were empty, the other four were taken. The four residents of the room had turned to the door and were staring curiously at their new visitor. Lenny knew he was in trouble. It was obvious at a glance that all four of the creatures were vampires. Black cloaks, slicked-back raven hair with the traditional widow’s peak. Pale skin and glowing red eyes. Teeth that would make an orthodontist rub his hands with glee – shortly before he got a bad case of anaemia. What he couldn’t work out, though, was why they all held what looked suspiciously like playing-cards. One of the vampires rose and moved with frightening swiftness. Before Lenny could react, they were face-to-face. The vampire sniffed and licked the tip of one pointy fang. His eyebrow arched aristocratically as he spoke. “Ahh… I believe we have a victim.” There was an amused murmur from his associates. Lenny felt his adam’s apple bob as he tried to think of something smart to say. Something that would explain his situation and perhaps get him out of this mess. All he could come up with was, squeak! “What do you think, boys?” His eyes never left Lenny’s. “Should we bleed him dry?” There was a chorus of eager assent. Lenny wanted to say that he’d been sent here. He wanted to say that he was here to speak to the Lady. He wanted to draw his sword or call upon the powers of light to rid him of these foul fiends… or to at least be able to beg for his life. No words would come. The vampire leaned in a little closer. “The opening bid,” it hissed, “is five hundred credits. Fastest hand wins, cheating is only permitted during wild rounds and dealer plays blind. Take a seat… sucker.” “Shouldn’t we be the suckers?” quipped another vampire. The tired laughter that followed suggested that this joke was an old and well-used one. The first creature stepped back and gestured at one of the empty chairs. Lenny finally found his voice (although, in the sudden relief, he almost lost his leg muscles, not to mention those of his bowels!). “Uhh… I-I’m here to see… th-the Lady?” he ventured, leaning back against the door for support. The four players looked at each other in varying levels of bemusement. Then one of them seemed to understand. A shorter and slightly pudgier vampire than the others, he spoke up. “Oh, I see. My dear boy, you’ve taken the wrong turn. Came in from the tea-shoppe, did you?” The other vampires nodded with sudden comprehension. “Err… yes?” Lenny replied, nervously. “Ah. Understandable, of course. Well, old chap, you’ve taken the secret passage. I believe you’re after the hidden staircase!” “But… but…” protested Lenny, “it was a great big button, with a sign on it and everything!” The vampire shook its head, patiently. “It pays to advertise our little sessions here. You never know when a tourist might want to feel the bite… of the gambling bug.” More forced laughter. “You need the flower sixteen up and seven from the left. It’s much more subtle. After all, nobody ever wants to visit…” he shuddered, slightly, “…her Ladyship.” Lenny looked at them desperately. “Does that mean I have to go all the way back?” “I’m afraid so, my boy. Still, never despair and all that. You’ve survived the route once, I’m sure you can do it again. Unless, that is, you’d like to join the game?” He looked hopeful. Lenny shook his head and grinned nervously. “No. I’d… err… better be off. People to rescue, you know how it is. I’ll just… umm… I’ll be going then. Goodbye.” He finally edged out of the room far enough to shut the door behind him. After a few deep breaths, and a few seconds spent beating his head against the rock wall, he began the tortuous journey back. This time the traps were easier to avoid and the signs were slightly less Air-Hostess Cheerful. They simply read: Leaving Already? and Come Back Soon!! Still, precious time had been lost by the time that Lenny found his way back into the tea-shoppe. Wasting only a moment on a vehement glare at the crone, he quickly turned his attention to counting sixteen roses up and seven in from the left. He pressed down hard on a flower that looked like every other flower on the panel (bar one!), and the other side of the wall promptly slid back, to reveal a spiralling stone staircase. This one looked much darker. There were no torches. No convenient luminescent glows. No welcoming neon signs, even. Lenny sighed in relief. That was something, anyway! He stepped forward, onto the first step, and the wall slammed closed behind him. Now he was in complete darkness. There was a wet chill to the air and a slight sense of claustrophobia. Reaching his arms out, he touched mossy stone on either side of him. He took a deep breath and started forward. After all, it wasn’t like he could get lost when the only directions were backwards and forwards. Even this house couldn’t mess around with something so simple. Could it? Remembering the last tunnel, he wasn’t so sure. Nervously, he started to ascend, resting only half his weight on each new step until he was sure it wouldn’t disappear under him, feeling up and down the walls for any signs of tricks or traps. Somehow, though, he didn’t think there would be any. This seemed like the sort of passage that you didn’t find unless one of the denizens wanted you to find it. If something up here wanted you dead, you would die. It was quite simple. The stairs continued for a long time. Lenny began to feel spooked. He was almost, but not entirely, certain that something was following him up the steps. Whenever he stopped, though, there was nothing but silence. It was ridiculous, of course. If the wall had slid open again, there would be a bit of light, at least. There was no way something could be behind him when he would have had to squeeze past it on his way up to this point. Still, the hairs on the back of his neck and the even blacker shadows further down the stairs told him that there was something there. Since there was not a thing he could do about it, though, he simply gritted his teeth and carried on his slow progress up the stairs. At last, his foot felt for the next step only to find that he was on a small stone landing. While the rocky walls to either side of him felt very solid indeed, there was the distinct shape of a wooden door in front. A cold metal doorknob turned easily and he found himself squinting as the door opened and light poured into the corridor. Turning away, he took the opportunity to search for his pursuer while his eyes adjusted to the light. He was just in time to see two rocky shapes melting back into the walls on either side. After only a few seconds, they were gone as if they had never existed. Lenny blinked his eyes and stared, wondering if he had imagined the whole thing. Tentatively, he reached out to one of the walls. “And who,” a rather husky voice cut in from behind him, “might you be?” Lenny turned… and almost tumbled down the stairs in alarm. Standing framed in the doorway was something that he could only presume was the Lady. She was dressed in a variety of black and pink lingerie. Leather, lace, fishnets and feathers, a fur boa and spiked heels. A highly elaborate blonde wig added to the dulcet effect in the way that solid muscles, a definite bulge in the posing pouch and the blond pencil-moustache did not. “Whaaa…?” Lenny cleared his throat and tried again. “Are you… the Lady?” She arched her eyebrows. “Want to make something of it?” “Uhh… no… uhh…” She stood back from the doorway. “Perhaps you’d like to come in?” Lenny wasn’t at all sure that he’d like that, any more. Still, he’d come this far. Reluctantly, he squeezed past the Lady and entered her boudoir. He winced. Everything was pink and satiny. A pink love-seat on one side of the room, a pink chaise longue on the other. Pink wardrobes, pink curtains, pink sheets with crimson hearts on the four-poster bed. Pink teddy-bears, pink carpets, rugs in a slightly deeper pink. A pink coffee-table with a pink-tinted glass, full of pale pink liquid. All in all, it looked like Barbie’s Dream-House! There were only five things that were not pink, in fact. Two muscular males (clad only in pink loincloths!), the palm leaves they held, and a large, remote-control-less viewing screen. Lenny was still staring at the TV (anything was better than having to contemplate the oiled men with palm-leaves), when her Ladyship spoke again. “Now, boy,” she said, leaning back on her chaise longue, “what can I do for you?” “You kidnapped my gir… my date,” he corrected himself, hastily. “I mean… that’s what the woman in the tea-shoppe said.” “Your date? Oh, the lovely little lady that my minions brought up earlier? Yes, she’s with us – and safe.” “What do you want with her?” asked Lenny. “What do I have to do to get her back?” “Ah. That.” Her Ladyship rose from the chaise longue and put a heavy arm around Lenny’s shoulder. “Well, it all began a couple of years ago. You see… there was much rejoicing in the house when two viewing screens were bought. One went downstairs, one on the upper floor. Peace and harmony reigned between all spirits and…” “Yes, yes.” Lenny cut her off with an impatient gesture. “I’ve already heard the spiel. You want me to steal back the remote control, right?” The Lady patted her wig, unperturbed. “It isn’t stealing. It’s merely returning the remote to its rightful owners. We need that remote! Have you any idea how tedious it is to be stuck on the Horror Channel night and day? At least if we could get to the Blind Date re-runs, it would be something!” “But, if I get the remote control back for you, what will that solve?” argued Lenny. “They’ll just do the same to you and then you’ll be stuck with the Horror Channel again. I mean, where’s the point?” Her Ladyship frowned, pursing her scarlet-glossed lips. “I’m not sure I follow, Mr…?” “Just call me Lenny.” He spoke quickly, following up the initiative. “What I mean is, when is it all going to end? They steal the remote, you… err… re-acquire it, they steal it back again. Is that really the way you want to live your life?” ‘Presuming you even have a life,’ he added, silently. The Lady tapped her stubbly chin with a pointed fingernail. “What else would you suggest then… Lenny?” He took a deep breath. “Isn’t there any way to get a second remote control? That way you wouldn’t have to fight any more and both sides could go back to haunting this place in peace.” “A second remote control? Live in peace?” The Lady pondered, then shook her head. “Nonsense. Fairy-tale nonsense. The Quest for the Second Remote is far too perilous to be undertaken. We must accept reality, young man – and you must accept your part of the deal, if you want to get your woman back, unmolested.” Lenny swallowed, nervously. “But… what if I could get hold of a second remote? Would you be prepared to release Alia on the chance? We could make the attempt together. After all,” he forced a laugh, “two heads are better than one.” “So I have been told,” responded the Lady. “Mudric the Insane is very definite on the subject. However, his gene-splicing experiments aside, how do I know I could trust you to attempt your journey, if I release my single hold over you?” Lenny allowed himself a cautious smile. “I give you my solemn word,” he said, crossing his fingers behind his back. Then, “Ow!” He brought his hand to his mouth, sucking his suddenly bleeding finger. As he watched, a needle flew through the air towards the coffee table. At its point, a single drop of his blood hung, swollen and gravid. It fell with a plop, just as it reached the glass full of pink liquid. Lenny stared, horrified, as the mixture suddenly turned crimson and began to bubble with the consistency of mud. The Lady smiled and winked at him from beneath her long lashes. “Your word is good enough for me,” she said, wandering over and swirling the viscous liquid, languidly. “After all, what is life without trust?” Lenny opened and shut his mouth, but couldn’t find anything appropriate to say. What had he got himself into? “Very well.” Suddenly, her Ladyship’s voice was brisk and commanding. “There are three tales of the legendary Other Remote Control. Some may be true, all may be false, who can say? I will tell you what I know, then you must decide how to bring this prize to me. “The first is through the charnel bone-yards and into the lost mausoleum. Don’t worry, it’s well signposted. Once down in the mausoleum, you must find the secret way into the moaning catacombs. There are those that say a second remote lies at the far end of the catacombs – for any that dare to seek it out. “The second? You must risk the plains of the blasted hedgehog, fight through the bogs of the unmentionable and make your way, at last, to the Ivory Tower of the Mad Scientist. He may be able to work his miracles and produce the mystical artefact we seek. If he even exists, that is. “Or…” and here, she paused, dramatically, “… you could nip down to the shops and see what you can find. I’ve heard that Arrggghhhs does a good line in electronic supplies.” She regarded him, sternly. “How choose you, mortal?” Last edited by Shady Stoat on Sat Mar 11, 2006 8:40 am; edited 1 time in total Back to top Author Mother Goose Respected Citizen Joined: 09 May 2004 Posts: 511 Location: Connecticut Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Mar 11, 2006 8:28 am    Post subject: Great new chapter! Will have to think about it before making any choices though - something must be wrong with that third option! Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Mar 11, 2006 8:41 am    Post subject: ROFL! Superbly funny chapter; The 'Lady' being a dominatrix!? Didn't see that coming! Now, I think that the Mausoleum sounds like the most promising route; there's no guarantee that the Mad Scientist even exists (as The Lady says) and, as for Arrggghhhs, you never know if whats in the manual is in stock, and he can't waste time waiting for an order to come in. So I think that following the rumours he should cross the charnal-bone yards. Also, the Lady mentioned that she wouldn't mind if she could watch the Blind-Date re-runs, so she may know Larry Cludge. If so, I think that Lenny should pick up on this and attempt to either get away with Alia without even finding the remote (though I doubt that would be the easiest chapter to make funny and interesting) or try and get some extra help or information because of his famous father. Just a thought, but I reckoned it might be interesting to include. Looking forward to the next chapter! Keep the good stuff coming Shady! :biggrin: *holds breath* © _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Mar 11, 2006 8:56 am    Post subject: Excellent Chapter stoat - so many funny parts and a chance to go to Argos I'm thinking the second option is best. Hedgehogs, mad scientist - sounds crazy, but not as dangerous as the others. I'm with MG - there must be something wrong with option 3. Happy Writing _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Mar 11, 2006 12:04 pm    Post subject: Yeah, I'd definatly say to mention his dad, find out if he's famous or popular here too, and then he might as well take a trip down to Arrrghhos or whatnot. It does sound the easist, even if it's almost too good to be true. _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Mar 13, 2006 5:56 am    Post subject: Just smile and pick one...then go off and find an internet cafe (surely must be one somewhere) and order a universal remote off Smeebay... pay for extra rush on the shipping _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author DukeReg Citizen Joined: 12 Oct 2005 Posts: 287 Location: Australia Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Mar 13, 2006 2:04 pm    Post subject: I'm torn... As a reader I just MUST have a mad scientist! They are at least equal in coolness to pirates, ninjas, and certain models of futuristic robots.. From Lenny's perspective though, the shop is the way to go. The path to it will be slightly to moderately deadly, and it will be full of assorted freaks of all kinds no doubt, but it is probably no worse than getting to the Tea-Shoppe was... I'll decide at poll time I think. _________________ Duke Reg Completed SGs: Tempting Fate Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2006 11:31 pm    Post subject: mausoleum! Great chapter Stoat. _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Mar 18, 2006 6:43 am    Post subject: Poll's up, lovely people! Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Mar 18, 2006 6:55 am    Post subject: Voted, and winning. _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Mar 18, 2006 6:59 am    Post subject: I still say Smeebay...she can wait for overnight delivery. Voted for the shops, but really think you should hunt up an internet cafe. _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author Mother Goose Respected Citizen Joined: 09 May 2004 Posts: 511 Location: Connecticut Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Mar 18, 2006 12:08 pm    Post subject: Yes, let's go shopping! The shops are probably no worse than anything else. Back to top Author dragon_fire372 Citizen Joined: 24 Oct 2005 Posts: 258 Location: Montana Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Mar 18, 2006 9:00 pm    Post subject: Heh, I went for the mausoleum just cuz it sounds so fun. Don't think I'll win though. <shrug> _________________ The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing ~ Edmund Burke Sans Dieu Rien Without God, Nothing Visions of Shadow - 2nd part of Uncertain Quests! Chapter Two Dreamwalker - Relocated to Linear Lane Sixth Chapter Linear Story Nightrobber Now Complete! Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Mar 19, 2006 5:17 am    Post subject: Voted, but it appears it was a paltry gesture... _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Back to top Author Ingrothechundyer Guest Items Posted: Sun Mar 19, 2006 6:53 am    Post subject: The perils of voting in a popular storygame Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 8:28 am    Post subject: CHAPTER TWENTY: Something for Nothing… Lenny stared. The Lady stared back, giving the impression that she could hold his gaze for days, if that was what it took. “Err…” he said, at last. “Is this a trick question?” She merely continued to stare. “I’ll… uhh… go down to the shops for you?” he ventured, wondering where the catch was. One thing was for sure – there was no point in traversing the Plains of the Blasted Hedgehog, or the Charnel Bone-Yards, or any of those unnervingly-named places unless he absolutely had to. Would Arrggghhhs be any better though? Could he really trust a place that sounded like someone with a hippopotamus on their foot? Did he really, cosmically speaking, have any choice in the matter? At least this way, he wouldn’t have to face the task alone. He looked relieved as the lady opened a door on the opposite side of her boudoir and Alia came into sight. The good news was that she didn’t appear to have been harmed at all. The rather more bizarre news was that she seemed to be sorting through the Lady’s walk-in closet – and giving every appearance of enjoying it! Without turning, she picked up a jade corset and held it up to the light. “You should really get these dry-cleaned, you know,” she called back, still apparently oblivious to Lenny’s presence. “Look – this one’s got some sort of stain, sunk right into the silk. You’ll have an awful job getting that out now, unless you…” She finally turned, looked momentarily startled, then gave Lenny one of her rare smiles. “Oh. Hi. You found me, then?” she asked. Then she turned back to the Lady. “Altrainian vinegar. That should sort silk stains out – but no more than a two hour soak. Maximum. You don’t want the lace to start discolouring.” As Lenny gaped, her Ladyship nodded courteously to the girl. “My dear – where do you pick up your cleaning tips?” She gave Lenny a none-too-subtle wink. “Hold on to this one, boy. In time, beauty might fade – but you’ll have clean shirts forever.” Before he could explore the full horror of having his choice of date approved by a reject from the Rocky Horror Show, she had fixed her attention on Alia again. “I’m afraid we’ll have to part company for a while, dear. Your young man has agreed to go on a little errand for me, and I think he’d appreciate your companionship while he goes. After all, it is meant to be your special day together.” Again, she swirled the glass of bubbling mix in her hand. Lenny squirmed as he thought of the cocktail with the drop of his own blood in it. What would happen if he broke his promise, he wondered? Even worse, what if there was no second remote and he couldn’t complete the avowed task? Or if the Blind Date crew came to pick him up before he could retrieve it for the Lady? Time could be getting short. With an effort, he wrenched his thoughts back to the task at hand. “How do we get to Arrggghhhs?” he demanded. The Lady gestured. “Out of the door, along the corridor, third door on the right, down the staircase and out of the door at the bottom. That should take you to the White Sands. It’s just a short journey from there to the river and Charon can take you from there into town. You can’t miss Arrggghhhs – it’s one of the biggest shops on the High Street. Just pop in, get the remote control and come back here. I’m sure a brave, strong lad like you can manage it?” Lenny was sure of only one thing. He wanted to get out of here as quickly as possible. He couldn’t begin to guess what the Blind Date viewing audience was making of their dating show being turned into Challenge TV. He could only hope that they weren’t enamoured enough of the concept to make a mini-series out of it. What would be next? ‘Lenny’s adventures in Blunderland?’ ‘Clash of the Cludges?’ ‘LotR (Len of the Remote)?’ It didn’t bear thinking about. So he didn’t. Instead, he grabbed Alia by the hand and headed for the door. “We’ll be back,” he promised to the still-smiling Lady. She waved her long, painted nails at them as they shut the door behind them. A dark man with eyes of brilliant green stepped out from the shadows in the corner of the room, where previously there hadn’t even been shadows to step out from. He brushed one of the Lady’s oiled slaves out of the way and sat down with lithe grace on her satiny bed. “Interesting,” was all he said. “Indeed.” She sat down beside him. “How long have you been lurking, Elias?” “Long enough,” he answered in a voice as rich and dark as bitter chocolate. “The blood was a nice touch.” “I thought so.” She stirred the muddy cocktail with a fingertip. “A little dramatic, perhaps… but I always like a drop of blood in my pink djinn-juice.” She took a sip and licked her ruby-painted lips. Shortly afterwards, the slaves were dismissed… ----------- Against all probability, it had been easy enough to get out of the house. Lenny had rushed Alia out into the corridor, through the door, down a cobwebby staircase and out through the stout arched door at the bottom. “Where are we going?” asked Alia as the pale sunlight broke over them. Lenny thought about it for a moment. “I’d like to say ‘as far from this place as possible’,” he admitted, “but I guess we’re going to a place called Arrggghhhs to buy a second remote control for the Lady.” “She’s sweet,” Alia responded. They had been traversing down some extremely crazy crazy-paving, towards the iron-wrought boundaries at the edge of the house. Lenny stopped, wondering if he had heard right. “She’s… sweet?” he echoed, slowly. “She’s a bloke!” Alia considered this. “Yes,” she conceded, after an appropriate pause for thought. “But she’s sweet.” Lenny paused, flustered. “And she kidnapped you!” “Well… yes,” admitted Alia. “But she didn’t mean any harm by it – and she did offer me a complementary pass to the Gifte-Shoppe, to make up for it. Apparently, I can have a free gift at the end of the day. Maybe we’ll get some souvenir pictures?” “If we survive,” muttered Lenny. He started walking again, wishing he could watch his footing. The constant up-to-the-knees mist made that impossible though. What was it with spooky houses and mist? Did the undead pick their locations with meticulous care – or did they just hire full-time manservants to keep their fog-machines in fully working order? It was a mystery, no doubt about it! They reached the gates and pulled with all their might. There was the hellish noise of rusty creaking (oh, the clichés were really piling up here!) and finally, there was enough space for them to squeeze out into the sands beyond. Lenny looked around cautiously. These must be the… what had the Lady called them again…? The White Sands, that was it. Strange name for them, considering that they were, in fact, a dull mustard colour. No doubt the argument would go that it had been white once, but it was so hard to keep the keep the colouring; or they’d put it through the wash and now they couldn’t do a thing with it! A short trip across this to the river, the Lady had said. He wondered what her Ladyship defined as ‘a short trip’. Knowing his luck, it may very well be miles – with vampires and werewolves and steel mantraps to navigate on the way, no doubt. All the more reason to get moving then. He sighed and stepped out onto the sands. They were pleasantly warm underfoot, despite the coldness of the sun. He felt more nervous than ever as he peered through the fog, looking for a river. “Shill would have liked it here,” murmured Alia, and sighed. Lenny’s spirits immediately plummeted. Fortunately, they had already fallen so far that it was a short enough drop to where they lay, beating their fists against the ground and whimpering. He’d risked life, limb and… the Lady, to rescue her – and she was still thinking about that blasted snowman. If he couldn’t even beat a deceased Frosty in the love stakes, then things were looking very poor for him indeed! Well, he would just have to concentrate on getting the second remote control and getting the hell off this planet. If Alia was intent on saving her passion for a puddle of water, there was nothing he could do about it, other than survive this experience and hope that the Producer wouldn’t get any funny ideas in their next meeting! His thoughts were interrupted by a welcome sight. The mists finally parted enough for Lenny to see the sparkle of a blue-black river ahead. “The river,” said Alia, squeezing his hand. Foolishly, he felt the gloom lift for a moment, and he cautioned himself. ‘Remember Shill,’ he thought, grimly. “Let’s go find the ferryman,” he said, aloud. Alia looked perplexed. “The ferryman?” “Oh. I just assumed…” Lenny trailed off. “On my world, we have legends about the Ferryman of the Underworld.” “The Underworld?” He found himself going red. Apart from a few heavy metal tracks, he knew very little of the mythos himself. Something about some river of death, or sleep, and that you shouldn’t ever pay the ferryman. It all sounded a bit ridiculous, when you came to think about it, really. “Oh, doesn’t matter,” he mumbled. “Let’s go.” Together they made their way over the hard sand that sloped down towards the river. Although it was possible to catch the occasional glance of rippling water, the menservants on the fog-machines were obviously being paid overtime in this area. It rose sluggishly, like a hung-over worker on a Monday morning, and it was every bit as thick and impenetrable, too. It was only when they were mere feet away from the river that they finally got a clear view. It looked unpleasant. There were no two ways about it. The river oozed and rolled, with the consistency of warm tar. It gave off the scent of battery acid, making their eyes water and their throats catch. There was a signpost, stuck into the sandy bank, which they drew closer to read. Ferry Stop. Next shuttle – 10 minutes No Payment Required No Swimming – Except on Public Holidays As they watched, the 10 clicked to a 9. “I guess we wait,” said Lenny, simply. “Unless you fancy a swim?” replied Alia. Lenny glanced sharply at her, before seeing the ironic look on her face. He found himself grinning. “Ladies first,” he offered. Her lips quirked. “Black may be my colour, but ooze isn’t my style.” Incredibly, although the situation wasn’t remotely funny, Lenny began to laugh. Even more incredibly, Alia giggled too. The laughter was infectious and, as the minutes ticked down, they both leant against the signpost and howled with mirth. Every time one of them was in danger of calming down, they would catch sight of the ‘no swimming’ notice… or point at the oozing river… and start up again. The laughter abruptly stopped though, when the minute counter ticked to zero. At that very second, the pale, high prow of a boat began to creep out of the mist. It crept through the sludge with a sullen inevitability. What they had first mistaken for a prow slowly solidified into the shape of a swan’s neck in pure white. A shadowy-thin form stood at the back of the boat, wreathed in mist. Bit by bit, the long swan-wings came into view, white despite the black waters that squelched against them. There was an air of ethereal purity about the sleek boat, diminished only by the fact that it looked a bit like someone had robbed a carnival to obtain it. At last the fog billowed aside to let the visage of the ferryman through. It wasn’t at all what Lenny had expected. For one thing, it wasn’t a ferryman at all. It was a ferrywoman! For another thing, she was dressed in a white mini-skirt and a fairly insubstantial crop-top, with white heels and handbag as accessories. Her hair was blonde (with darker blonde streaks) and immaculately permed and she looked as if she had stepped straight off some seedy nightclub dance-floor. Instead of holding a pole, as Lenny had half-expected, she was standing daintily at the swan’s tail, manipulating a rudder as the engine churned almost silently through the river. Seeing them, she immediately turned for the shore. “Heading into taahn, you two?” she said, in a high, grating voice – the nails on the chalkboard of linguistics. Lenny tried hard to keep the wince off his face. “Ahh… yes,” he said. “We’re heading into Arrggghhs, actually.” “Hop in then,” squeaked the girl. “’Haah’s it going? I’m Sharon, and I’ll be your guide for the journey. Anything you need, just aahsk” She flicked out a mini hand-mirror and checked her make-up while Lenny and Alia stepped tentatively into the boat. They sat down, looking uncertainly at each other. This was what was going to get them into town? An airhead with a voice that could advertise migraine-pills? Well, it was no crazier than anything else they had seen so far. So why not? They sat back in the boat and listened to the screechy voice drone on. “Not be long naah, we’ve just got to make a couple of stops on the way. More passengers to pick up. It’s a busy route at this time of year and – oaaawww! Will you look at that?” With a pout more suited to a six year old, she held out a blotchy hand with blue-painted fingernails. One of them had a chip in it. “My nail! That cruddy boat has made me crack a nail again – and I just had a manicure yesterday, cost me a fortune it did and I only get three days off every week, I won’t be able to get that fixed in an hurry, I can tell you, rotten employers, if you’re ever thinking of working here, just don’t! That’s all I can tell you. Won’t even let me take tips from the people that I have to ferry every day! Would fifteen percent be too much to aahsk, I said to them, but no – they wouldn’t listen, and shoes are so expensive these days and the heels break so easily. What’s a girl to do? Oh, next stop.” Lenny jolted out of his glaze-eyed trance at this point and took at look at what stood on the next bank along. To his relief, there was just a single passenger, waiting to be picked up. To his consternation, it appeared to be a rather elderly man-wolf. It didn’t look dangerous – at least not in the classic werewolf sense – but as it clambered into the boat and sat between the two of them, there was a definite aroma of old dog in the air. Then, when it turned to say hello, Lenny got treated to a lungful of wolf-breath that almost seared his trachea shut. He took shallow breaths and tried to wipe his eyes surreptitiously when the wolf-thing turned and greeted Alia. At that point, the boat motored off again and they were treated to another of Sharon’s mindless monologues. She steered the boat and prattled about how nobody understood her and how her bosses were emotionless robots; dictators, who, should she arrive at work only three hours late, would give her written warnings and dock her pay accordingly. And after a hard night’s partying, it sometimes just wasn’t possible to get up on time and have a decent shower and fix her hair and her make-up and find a fully matching wardrobe, complete with accessories, and do her fake tan (“I mean, this world don’t even get proper sunlight, what’s a girl to do?”) and get to work on time. It was only reasonable for her to be a little bit late, in circumstances like that. But would they listen? Whether or not it was the old werewolf’s stop, he seemed in a hurry to get out the next time that Sharon stopped the boat. Lenny couldn’t honestly blame it. Walking – perhaps even swimming – seemed a preferable alternative at this point! Three fairly normal people got into the boat in his place. It was an improvement, albeit a cramped one. The boat sank further into the water and rocked alarmingly as it took off from the stop again. There followed ten minutes of hearing all about the really cute guy that Sharon had picked up in one of the nightspots last night. How her friend, Tiffany, had spied him out first, but how he’d never been interested in Tiff at all and had only had eyes for Sharon. How the two girls had fought about it in the powder-rooms and now Tiff wasn’t speaking to Sharon any more and she’d borrowed that slug-pink lipstick and there was no chance of getting it back now, and she’d be saying things behind her back and poisoning all her friends against her and… Long after Lenny and Alia had stopped trying to work out which preposition belonged to whom – and long after they had ceased to care – the boat finally drew to the opposite shore. “There ya go,” said Sharon in her squeaky foghorn voice. “Everybody out for taahn.” The five passengers tumbled over each other, speeding onto the sands as fast as they could. Hell’s ferrywoman indeed! As they crested the rise, the shops were clearly visible and the mist was gone. There was a wide, sandy street with what looked like normal buildings. They even had signs swinging outside them, although they were too far away to see from here. Lenny smiled and took Alia’s hand. It was after lunchtime now. A fair portion of the day was already gone, but the remote control was probably only a couple of street lengths away from his grasp now. They started walking, being quickly outpaced by the three who had escaped Sharon with them. The sand was dry and powdery here. It was easy to slip. They trod warily down the slope. “I wonder which one is Arrggghhhs,” Lenny asked, rhetorically. He fixed his eyes on the ever-nearing signs, squinting to see if he could pick up any clues. “Err… Lenny?” “It’ll probably be quite big,” he said, approaching the first building. “Although I don’t know what the sign will have painted on it.” “Lenny?” “Probably the picture of some screaming victim with a name like ‘Arrggghhhs’,” he joked. Then, as Alia’s hand wrenched itself away from his, and he saw her flying ahead of him down the street, he ventured a look around. From the sand behind him, and to his right and left, there were forms rising. Bodies, covered with sand, maybe even made from sand, rising up from their dusty lairs and lurching towards him in that distinctive way that said ‘excuse me, sir, but I think I’d like the taste of your brain.’ There was a moment of paralysis as he watched more than a dozen sand-zombies crawl and stumble closer. Then he was off, kicking up so much sand that he was choking on the powdery grit as he ran. It got in his eyes and up his nose and in his boots and there was no way he was going to let any of that slow him down. And still they kept coming. From the sides, from the front, they rose like ghouls, arms outstretched in hellish supplication as he dodged and dived around them. Alia was just visible through his self-created sandstorm. Many of the sand-zombies had decided to come after him, but she had her share, rising up around her. However fast he sprinted, he didn’t seem able to gain ground to catch her up. She was obviously a survivor. ‘Obviously,’ came the ironic thought, through his panic. ‘She left you to the brains brigade quickly enough, didn’t she?’ Now his breath was hitching in short gasps. When he got out of here – correction, if he got out of here – he was going to have to start going to a gym more and sitting in with his assignments a little less. Especially if being dragged onto intergalactic dating shows was to become the norm! Even as he swore to himself that he would never go on the show again, he saw Alia banging frantically on one of the stores at the end of the street. He heaved himself along, lungs feeling like they were lined with sandpaper, and began the slow process of catching up to her. With shuddering legs, he dodged past the zombie-guard in front of him, hearing it moan pathetically as its fingertips scraped his tunic. Another zig-zag and he was past two more. Alia was close now, but two of the zombies were almost upon her. Just as he had time to register that large sign above the building that read: Arrggghhhs The bolts slid out and the door opened. A humanoid, more than half in shadow, gestured frantically at the girl, then at Lenny as it saw him. Within a fraction of a second, the girl was inside the store. Lenny dived over the two remaining zombies in a highly athletic and stupid manoeuvre that was bound to earn him multiple visits to the chiropractor in years to come. Nevertheless, it achieved its goal and he landed inside the doorway, breathless and groaning, as the bolts slid shut behind him. After a few moments, a hand was offered to him. He looked up to see Alia standing over him, looking somewhat apologetic. “Here,” she said. “Let me help.” He hesitated, battling with pride and resentment. “Look, I’m sorry,” she said, contritely. “It’s just that you wouldn’t listen, and they were all around us and…” Common sense won out. He stopped her with a gesture. “Let’s just forget it, okay? Say you got my attention the best way you could.” Groaning, he took her hand and hauled himself upright. Then he ventured his first look around Arrggghhhs. The room was a soulless white colour, from floor to ceiling. The only hints at any character were the plasti-wood counters that rose to waist-height from ground level, around the edges of the place. Heavy chains led from them and through the spines of massive, laminated books – although why they were chained down was anyone’s guess. Anyone trying to run off with a tome that heavy would have to do so with a double hernia. Customers crowded around the magazines, obscuring the view as they hunched over with avaricious gleams in their eyes. There were tills and counters throughout the centre of the room. All gleaming white and clean in a sterilised way. A long bar-counter ran along the width of the room, near the back. There were queues of people, both at the counters and the back desk. Although the people seemed ordinary enough, the shop-clerks had an entirely different look about them. There were ten pale-faced and nervous looking creatures stood at the tills, alternating between processing the customers and glancing nervously at the shop entrances. They had that look of Transylvanian village people, awaiting the night visits of the local Count. They were all dressed in pin-striped uniforms with the Arrggghhhs logo on the front of it. Somehow, it only added to the overall effect of lives spent in the expectation of future horrors. It was the back wall that really caused Lenny to stare, though. It didn’t appear to be a wall at all – more a series of holes in the fabric of time and space. There were about twenty circular rents, dark at the edges and becoming ever more detailed towards the core. Each of them showed images of shelves. Some shelves were wood, others metal, plastic, pulsing light and energy, glass, bamboo and one appeared to be made of living slimy tissue of some sort. The images moved, leaving the overall effect of looking into twenty TV screens at once. They all had one thing in common – the creatures who scaled the shelves. Colourless, translucent flesh covered skeletal forms. The purple of veins and the redness of muscle could clearly be seen pulsing beneath their skin. Their arms and legs appeared too long, their heads too big for the thin frames. Their eyes were bulbous and lit with a pale lilac glow. They had no hair and they appeared to have no clothes either, although there was a curious genderless appearance to them. They clambered and leapt from shelf to shelf, like some bizarre frog-mutation. Although there were hundreds of them, they never seemed to get in each others’ way. It was like watching a particularly intricate circus performance. They grabbed boxes from the shelves and moved them about. As Lenny watched, one picked up a rectangular package and threw it straight towards the hole. It flew through, to be caught by one of the pinstriped Arrggghhhs staff and placed on the back counter. “Number one hundred and fifty eight,” droned the Transylvanian villager. Immediately, one of the customers pushed their way to the front and signed for the box. Alia shook him gently by the shoulder, rousing him from his fascination with the process. “Shouldn’t we try to get the remote?” she asked. Lenny tore his gaze away from the dimensional portals. “Huh? Oh, yeah. We should.” Together, they wandered over to the plasti-wood counters, shoving in amongst the other customers to find a free catalogue. Lenny reached out to open the front cover, only to snatch his hand back as the book shuddered and pulled up against its chains. The woman at the next counter flicked a casual gaze at him. “First timer?” she asked, without much interest. “Corner of the pages, man! You don’t want to be sucked into the warehouse, do you?” Lenny gulped. Carnivorous catalogues? That would explain the chains then! Gingerly, he reached out towards the top corner of the tome, watching as it quivered up towards him again. As it reached the extent of its leash, he flicked open the page and read down the index (being careful not to use his finger as an aid to reading). “Electronic goods,” said Alia, from over his shoulder. “Page four thousand and three.” A very picky game of ‘turn the pages without getting bitten’ followed as they worked their way through the mighty encyclopaedia of goods on display. They were almost at the right section when a sudden shriek caused them to look up. One of the customers on the next counter along had obviously not received the same good advice as they had. His finger was touching one of the pages, and a second later, he was sunk into it, up to the elbow. The book swallowed him up with obscene rapidity, cutting off the yelp mid-squeal. There was a small implosion of air where he had been seconds previously, and a rumble from the book, that sounded decidedly like a belch to Lenny. Alia silently pointed him to the dimensional holes at the back of the store. The now limp form of the unfortunate customer was being hauled towards a box. As they watched, he was squeezed inside it, before the creatures filled in the gaps with lightweight packing material and nailed the lid down securely. Lenny gulped and hoped there were air-holes in there somewhere. Just in time, he turned his attention back to the book, where his fingers had strayed perilously close to the page. His search for the remote control took on a new urgency at this point. Being locked, comatose, in a box until some customer suddenly felt the need for a pet human, was one of the few things that seemed worse than sharing his father’s fate. He turned the final page and immediately saw the picture of what he wanted. A shiny new remote control for just the type of viewing screen that the Lady had in her room. Taking one of the stubby pencils and a piece of scrap paper, he quickly wrote down the code for the item he wanted and joined the shortest queue. Arrggghhhs may have had many faults, but lack of speed was not one of them. The five people before him were served promptly and efficiently. Lenny smiled nervously at Alia, wondering if they would have the item in stock. It would be terrible if this was all a wild goose chase and they had to start again from the beginning. As he got to the front of the queue, it appeared that his worries had been ill-conceived. Or ill-directed, at any point. “That’ll be thirty nine credits, please,” droned the pale-faced assistant. “Oh,” said Lenny, stupidly. Then: “Ah,” as his pennilessness hit him. He turned to Alia, electing to try an enquiring, “Err?” She looked startled. “You don’t have any money? Then… why are we at the shops?” “Umm…” Lenny looked back at the queue behind him, who were already growing impatient. “I didn’t think! I mean - I thought you might have some?” She smiled, apologetically. “I have money – but it’s in my original clothes. They didn’t give me any with the costume.” “If you could move aside, please, sir,” chanted the assistant in his world-weary voice. “I have real customers to attend to.” “Look,” said Lenny, desperately, “do you have the remote control in stock? Can you just tell me that?” There was an exasperated muttering from behind him. The assistant huffed out his lips in an obviously impatient manner. Nevertheless, he tapped a few keys and stared at the small screen in front of him. “Yes,” he said, tediously. “We have just one in stock.” “Could you reserve it?” asked Lenny, seeing light at the end of the tunnel. “Sorry Sir, we don’t do reservations.” “Maybe the Lady could pay for it?” asked Alia, hopefully. “Could you charge it to the haunted manor on the other side of the river?” The Arrggghhhs employee roused himself from his lethargy enough to cock an eyebrow. “Got a note from her then, Miss? No? Well, we’d be happy to accept a credit note from the Lady – but seeing as you haven’t got one…” he cocked a thumb meaningfully towards the door. It looked like the light at the end of the tunnel was rapidly turning into the headlights of a speeding train! Lenny tried one last tactic. “I want to talk to the manager,” he said, folding his arms stubbornly. The assistant stared at him for a moment. “Talk to the hand,” he said. “I mean it!” protested Lenny. “I’m not moving from here until I’ve spoken to…” The assistant pointed to the far counter. There, at the end, was an ornament of a hand on a spring. It wobbled wildly as a box landed on the counter, slowly settling back into stillness again until the next bump. “Talk – to – the – hand,” repeated the employee, slowly and clearly. There was an uncharitable titter from behind him. He didn’t turn to see who it was. Blushing and stiff-backed, he walked over to the wide bar-counter where the collections were taking place. He felt more than a little stupid as he leant down and began speaking into the palm of the microphoned hand. “Erm… hi?” he said, nervously. “My friend and I were sent here to get a… a remote control. It’s for the Lady of the haunted manor, up past the White Sands. Only… we… forgot to bring any money with us and we were wondering…” The hand spoke back. “Ah. Another set of adventurers, sent off on a wild goose chase, eh? It’s happened before, lad, it’s happened before.” “Ahh… it has?” “A few times.” Lenny was perplexed. “And no-one has ever succeeded?” The voice in the hand turned testy. “Well, of course they have, you silly man. You know how it is with remote controls, though. One day you’ve got it, the next it’s gone missing and you’re back to where you began. They’ve gone through more remote controls than fresh victims at that place, let me tell you! Now, what’s your problem? You want the remote but you can’t pay, is that it?” “I’m sure the Lady would pay if she knew…” began Lenny. He was cut off with a bark of a laugh. “I’m not,” said the hand. “She wouldn’t pay for her own funeral, that one! Not unless there was something in it for her. No, I suggest you try something else to get what you need – or just forget about the remote altogether.” “I can’t!” said Lenny, desperately. “I made a promise – and I’ve got to keep it by the end of the day!” “Hmm. Tricky.” The voice paused, then spoke again. “Well, you can’t have anything for free at Arrggghhhs. You’ll just have to go back and ask the Lady for an alternative.” “Go back?” protested Lenny. “Through the zombies and across with river? We barely made it this time!” “Not my problem,” dismissed the voice. “You got no money, you’re not even a customer, lad. You could always use the back door, though. They’ll be slower to catch on to you that way. You should be able to get to the river all right.” The voice suddenly perked up. “Or… we could give you safer and quicker passage back to the house – if you’re prepared to try out one of our pre-catalogue experimental modes of transport? If you survived it, it would cut miles off your journey. You could fly all the way to the manor in minutes.” While Lenny was still trying to digest that information, the voice continued, conspiratorially. “Or there’s a third way. I shouldn’t really be telling you this – it’s bad for trade – but I like the look of your face, lad.” Lenny suppressed a groan. Another male who’d taken to him. The curse was obviously operating at full efficiency. The hand spoke on. “The building at the end of the street is a library. If you can get in there – I don’t know the exact opening hours, but I know they’re always changing – then you can take the sub-levels down into the Moaning Catacombs. Word is there’s a second remote control at the far end of those. If you make it, you won’t have to pay and you’ll be the Lady’s little golden boy again.” As the voice fell silent, Lenny considered his options. They all sounded terrible, but time was running out… Last edited by Shady Stoat on Fri Mar 24, 2006 8:34 am; edited 1 time in total Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 9:05 am    Post subject: Excellent chapter - loved Arrrrgggghhhs although I think the catelogues could do with being laminated. Could touch and wouldn't get sucked in then. I'm going to have to think about the decision point. One alternative would to offer to work there for 4 hours (hoping for at least a wage of 9.50Credits per hour) and then buy the remote. Not very romantic though He could ask Alia whether she knows anything about the consequences of the 'blood promise' and whether he can just forget it? Otherwise I'm inclined to go to the library. Going back and then out again isn't an option really, far too much effort. Happy Writing. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 9:45 am    Post subject: ROFLMAO!! :biggrin: Super-stuff here Stoat! Loved the 'orrible Essex girl Sharon, loved the deadly catalogue (nice parody of the real-life deadliness of the Argos catalogue; 'oh, look dear! They've got that phone, sofa [quiet you...], watch, T.V., game, child [you never know... have you read every single page? I think not!], alarm clock and that jewlerry you promised me! GO BUY IT ALL NOW!) and the sand-zombies! Now, onto the brain-taxing stuff... Erm.... * * Hmmm...? How about..... no.... You could.... I mean.... Alia and Lenny could try calling on the goat-riding Pirates () of the Haunted House River (that they just crossed) to either aid them in returning to the 'Lady's' mansion or in going to find and retrieve the second remote in the library. Failing that (maybe cos its just too silly.... but you can never have too silly can you?) I think that they should just go and try and retrieve the remote from the library. And you know what? Come, come a little closer.... that's right.... *holds breath and steals shoes* © _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 9:50 am    Post subject: Hilarious stuff Stoat. Told you he should've ordered off Smeebay...they accept major credit cards. In fact, he should try that angle. Flash some plastic and see if he can't get the hand that fancies him to bend a few rules. _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 10:06 am    Post subject: Just to save me getting shouted at for failing to include another option in the poll... Lenny has no plastic - unless he tears the corner off one of the magazines. His wallet and Alia's are in their other clothes, safely back on the game world of Blind Date. He's doshless, creditless... and a little brainless for coming out to the shops without the cash in the first place Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 10:10 am    Post subject: Silly guy! _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 10:14 am    Post subject: Well hell, he is useless. How about a beautifully written and embossed IOU? Maybe he could slip the hand a little tongue or breathe heavy under the fingernails to sucker him into a loan? _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 4:09 pm    Post subject: Lol I'm all for trying the teleportation personally - it sounds like fun. _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 4:54 pm    Post subject: Steal? Otherwise ask if the experimental ride goes two ways, or a shop assistant could go with you with the remote and maybe someone at the other end could pay for it? I'm out... _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Key King Joined: 08 Feb 2004 Posts: 2652 Location: The Royal Palace Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 6:00 pm    Post subject: Well, going back, no matter how we do it, is a pretty embarrassing admission of defeat, and I doubt that Lenny would be willing to do that with Alia around. Stealing and flirting with the hand are good options. Another is to offer the customer to look through the carnivorous catalogs for them for a few credits. Dangerous, but that might be just the sort of thing to impress his date... Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 12:53 am    Post subject: Did the hand voice sound female? If so, then, for some reason, I have an image of him not trying to flirt with it, because of Alia, but if it's male.... He did say he keeps getting unwanted male attention... He could try and use his obvious attraction to the same sex and 'persuade' the hand to give him what he wants. :biggrin: _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 8:25 am    Post subject: Found a few technicalities. _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Mar 24, 2006 8:35 am    Post subject: Thanks Fawn. Corrected, one and all (I hope!) Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Apr 02, 2006 10:21 pm    Post subject: Poll's up for 3 days. Have fun. Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Apr 02, 2006 10:23 pm    Post subject: Voted for theft, and not losing. _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Apr 03, 2006 7:02 am    Post subject: I voted for working at Arrrgggghhs but if he gets a no - then head to the library. Happy Writing _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Apr 03, 2006 2:45 pm    Post subject: Voted. _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Apr 04, 2006 3:49 am    Post subject: Aw, it's gotta be the flirting. Let's just hope its a female rather than an effeminate man. That would end up messily. We don't know what these hand's are capable of. :biggrin: _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Apr 04, 2006 11:17 pm    Post subject: Last day of voting, for all you who haven't. I could do with someone breaking that tie Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 12:57 am    Post subject: Sorry Stoat, my vote has already been cast! _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 12:59 am    Post subject: Don't worry, Soily. If all else fails, I'll do both options Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 1:12 am    Post subject: Great stuff. Can't wait! *holds breath* _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 3:08 am    Post subject: Hehe. Hand. Sorry, just having a Homer Simpson moment. _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 3:39 am    Post subject: LOL, was wondering what you were on about for a minute then Chinaman... _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Back to top Author Mother Goose Respected Citizen Joined: 09 May 2004 Posts: 511 Location: Connecticut Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 4:50 am    Post subject: I'll break the tie if it's not too late. Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Apr 05, 2006 4:52 am    Post subject: Thanks Mother Goose. And anyone else who still wants to vote - you've got about 18 hours left to do so Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Apr 06, 2006 12:02 am    Post subject: Okay. Offering to work at Arrggghhhs to earn the credits is the winning option. I'm not saying that a few more of those great ideas may not appear in there somewhere though Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 7:32 am    Post subject: CHAPTER TWENTY ONE: Nice Work, If You Can Get It Alia was watching him. Lenny began to sweat. This was humiliating! How could they have forgotten about such a basic thing as money? Why hadn’t somebody warned him? More importantly, what was he going to do now? Going back to the Manor at this point was nothing more than a rout. He already looked like a fool in front of his date; crawling back to the Lady would simply complete the image, making him look like an indecisive fool. There were already enough nails in the coffin that was his love-life, without adding any more! The library then? Lenny didn’t like the sound of that. If the Library was open and if they got past the sand zombies intact and if they could find the Moaning Catacombs and if they managed to get through them in one piece, there might be a second remote control at the other end? It sounded more like one of those dreadful PC adventure games than a real route to the remote control. There was too much that could go wrong, and no convenient way to save and restart the game. Arrggghhhs, however, had a remote control. He just couldn’t get to it. Unless… He brightened and spoke into the hand again. “I don’t suppose you’ve got any vacancies going?” he asked, hopefully. “If I could earn the credits to pay for the remote control by the end of the day, would you accept that in lieu of payment?” “Hmm.” The hand bobbed on its spring, clearly giving the matter some thought. “It’s not the way we usually do things around here – but, as I said before, I like your face, young man. I’ll see what can be done.” Lenny glanced at Alia with a quick smile. She looked mildly surprised at his conversation with the hand. He supposed, on reflection, that it wasn’t going to be the most romantic date she had ever been on. Still, if they both survived it intact, they could work on the rest later – and to do that, he needed to get that second remote control! The hand remained silent for a few seconds. Then it spoke again. “Ah – it seems that we do have a vacancy. I’ll just have to put you through the standard job interview, make sure you’re up to the task. Rav’nus!” One of the pale employees behind the counter turned and looked at the hand. “Yes sir?” “Put this man through the interview for Junior Clamberer, will you?” “Yes sir.” He turned to Lenny. “Any previous shelf-climbing experience?” he asked in a dull and uninterested voice. “Shelf… climbing?” Lenny’s eyes tracked back to the many sets of shelves through the dimensional portal. “You mean… those? No! I mean… don’t you have any jobs on the tills or the delivery desks?” The hand sounded shocked. “We only have a dozen employees out front. We have hundreds in the warehouses, stacking, packing, locating and hurling.” Lenny felt that, with the last description at least, he would be more than qualified right now. His stomach was roiling sickly as he watched the froglike creatures skittering and leaping from shelf to shelf. Still, he was fairly good at tree-climbing – or had been a couple of years ago anyway. Maybe it wouldn’t be too bad. “I wouldn’t have to look like those things, would I?” he asked with a nervous grimace. The hand laughed. “Oh my goodness,” it said jovially, “of course you would!” Lenny, who had been on the verge of relaxing, felt his muscles re-clench in panic. The hand continued. “You’ll need your feet to be able to cling onto the shelves while your hands are busy with the boxes. That means modifying you. You’ll get sticky secretions from your hands and feet, added agility, tracheal modifications to help you communicate with the rest of the bunch, more muscle density and hollow bones for lightness. Don’t worry – it only takes minutes, and it’s a very simple set of operations. You’ll hardly feel a thing.” Lenny found himself backing away and shaking his head. Working for a living was one thing, but being genetically ‘enhanced’ was a little more than he had signed up for. “Forget it!” he said, heatedly. “I’ll find another way!” “Don’t say I didn’t try,” said the hand, bobbing irritably as the two of them walked away from it. “What are we going to do now?” asked Alia, following in her date’s wake. “I don’t know!” snapped Lenny. Then, slightly ashamed, he added, “I have to get that remote. I took a blood oath for the Lady.” The girl winced. “Then you’ll have to go through with it. She’ll make you stay here, in bondage, until you do.” Lenny shuddered. ‘The Lady’ and ‘bondage’ were not two concepts that should be brought together in the same sentence. He set his mind to finding a way out of that particular nightmare. At last, another idea occurred. He trailed over to where people were flicking with delicate motions through the carnivorous catalogues. Feeling a little nervous, he tapped one of them on the shoulder. “Excuse me,” he ventured. “Would you like me to turn the pages for you?” The raven-haired woman looked at him appreciatively. “Oh, would you?” she purred. “I’d be happy to,” he replied, “for a couple of credits.” The woman pressed a long fingernail against her lips, obviously thinking. “Very well,” she said, at last. “Two credits. Turn to page seven thousand two hundred and fourteen.” Feeling rather pleased with himself, Lenny stepped forward and concentrated his attention on the straining book beneath him. He flicked the edges over, being careful to avoid going anywhere near the pictures, and watched the numbers rack up slowly. “Lenny!” shrieked a voice from behind him. He turned just in time to deflect the lunge of the black-haired woman. She bared her fangs and hissed at him, aiming again for the side of his neck. He ducked frantically and scurried away from the catalogues, towards Alia. Just as she was coming after him for a third bite, an official-sounding voice echoed through the store speakers. Customers are reminded that eating each other is not allowed on the premises. Thank-you! Have a nice day! The vampire shot him one final look of hungry malevolence, before going back to the catalogue. Breathing hard, Lenny turned back to his date. “Okay – perhaps not the best idea I’ve ever had.” He managed a shaky laugh as she patted his arm sympathetically. “Now what?” “Maybe we should just go to the library?” suggested Alia. “I’m not giving up yet,” he replied, stubbornly. “Well, how about agreeing to their experimental flying device?” she countered. “We could get back to the Manor in a few minutes, they said.” “That’s if it doesn’t send us crashing into a thousand smoking pieces in the process,” argued Lenny. “Besides, they never said anything about us getting back here in minutes. We’d have to travel with Sharon again.” They both shuddered. “I don’t see what else we can do, though,” he added, glumly. Alia assumed the look of all women everywhere when confronted by stubborn male pride. To her credit, however, she said nothing, letting Lenny think through his options. At last, he sighed. “Well, I don’t know what good it’ll do, but I’m going to talk to the hand again. Maybe he’ll… maybe he’ll give me a loan or something? He seemed to like me – maybe that will count for something?” Alia shrugged noncommittally. “Let’s go and do it then,” she said, with enforced neutrality. The wandered back to the hand. “Err… excuse me?” said Lenny, unsure of what to do, now that he was here. “You again?” asked the hand. “Yes, what is it?” “I just… umm, wondered… if there was any way I could have the remote control as… as a loan?” he ventured. The hand jiggled. “You mean you want to return it after you’ve given it to the Lady? I’m not sure I understand.” Lenny took a deep breath. “I meant that perhaps you could… trust me… to come back and pay for the item once I’ve delivered it to the Manor.” “And why would I want to do that?” asked the hand. “What could you offer as security on that sort of loan?” “I could always…” suggested Alia. “No.” Lenny cut her off. He had already allowed her to be taken hostage once. Wherever they went from now on, they went together. He decided to go for a rather more desperate tactic. “I could always make it worth your while?” he suggested in a lower voice. Hating himself for what he was about to do, he began to stroke the hand’s fingertips with his own. He leaned a little closer and breathed suggestively. “What’s a teensy-weensy remote control between friends, huh? Just one little item and in return…” “Right! That does it!” The hand boinged furiously away from his grasp. “What sort of hand do you think I am? I certainly don’t have to pay for favours from the likes of you! I have to put up with enough hand-job jokes every day, without penniless customers adding to the insult! Security – take them and throw them out of the store!” “Whuu… buu…” Lenny protested as he and Alia were carted doorwards by surprisingly strong Transylvanian villagers. “But I thought…” “The last thing they heard from the hand was, “That’s what you get for trying to be pleasant. Hmph!” “No! Wait! You don’t understand!” Lenny’s feet were virtually digging tracks in the marbled floor as he shouted his protests. It didn’t help. Without ceremony, the door was opened and he and Alia landed in the sand, on the wrong side of it. Lenny picked himself up and shook the sand off his clothing angrily. He started to stride back towards the doors, only to have his arm grabbed by Alia. “Run?” she suggested, as the sand zombies began to rise around them again. Yanking his arm in vaguely the right direction, she set off, not bothering to see whether he was prepared to follow or not. Jus like last time, he thought furiously. He hesitated a moment longer, torn between venting his frustration on the locked shop-front and getting away from the sand zombies. Practicality won out and he sprinted after the rapidly disappearing form of his date. She was fast – if fickle. The zombies were lurching at her from all sides, but she kept ahead of their slow, shambling pace with lithe ease. Of course, that just meant that more of them were turning their attention towards him. He cursed her practicality as he tried to make his legs pump faster through the sandy street. With difficulty, he reminded himself that she was now on her ninth date, whereas this was his first. To have got through so many rounds of Blind Date, he grudgingly conceded that she would have had to be a survivor. He wove through the sand, his breath grainy and short, squinting through the dust cloud around him. Alia had reached her destination before him - again! He could see her through the haze, pushing on a large set of sturdy doors. They seemed to be refusing to budge. For a moment he felt an entirely uncharitable glee. Then, being generally a pleasant and good-natured person (not to mention the fact that a barred door was bad for the both of them!), he felt stirrings of concern. This was just like what had happened at the doors of Arrggghhhs As he sped towards Alia, he wondered whether it would be a re-run of the same last-minute rescue, or whether the sand-zombies would consume their brains this time round. Dodging through their ranks, he closed the distance rapidly now. Alia’s attempts were getting ever more frantic as the closest of the zombies moved into arm’s range. Lenny’s heart lurched in his chest as the creature reached out and grabbed the girl’s sleeve. She screamed out above its moans. “Lenny! The entrance is around the back. It says so. Go! Save yourself!” She jerked with frantic strength against the hold of the sand zombie. Tearing free, she backed up against the wall. It just left her cornered, as more of the undead lurched toward her. Lenny didn’t stop running, but his thoughts raced faster than his legs. The girl may be practical enough to leave him to the consequences of his own inexperience (or stupidity, if you wanted to look at it another way), but she was also practical enough to try and save him when her own case was looking hopeless. Despite her delicate beauty, he wasn’t dealing with a vapid cheerleader here. Not only was she beautiful, she was intelligent and at least possibly interested in him. Now he was more convinced than ever that he would never get a better alternative than Alia on Blind Date! Even if he hadn’t been interested in her, though, he was not yet at that stage of calloused self-preservation that she had reached. He couldn’t simply abandon a friend to a horrible fate while he made good his escape. His course never deviated. She shouted again, but he was no longer aware of her words, only of the necessity of reaching her. Then – then they would think of something. Speed alone allowed him to barrel through the defending ring of zombies. He braced himself for burning flesh or waves of sudden brain-sickness, but was relieved to find that they simply fell back into the sand as he shoved them out of the way. Constant impacts took their toll, though. By the time he had made it to the centre of the ring he was breathless and slowed to a stumble. Alia’s face was strained as she attempted to ward the lurching creatures away. The glance she spared him was one of resigned sadness that, although it wasn’t the gratitude he had hoped for, at least wasn’t disgust at his stupidity. Now that the two targets were together, the zombies redoubled their attacks. Seemingly from nowhere, parchment appeared in the hand of the frontmost. It moaned. “Eehhhxcuuuse meeee sssiiiirrrr, do you haaaave a few minutes to spaaaaaare for a maaaaarket suuuurrrrvey?” Lenny’s eyes widened in bemusement. “Err… what?” By now, though, another zombie had pushed the first out of the way. “Spaaaare aaahhh donaaaation to the widoooows aaaand orphaaaannns fuuunnnnd?” It clutched hungrily at his elbow, sending coldness creeping through his entire arm. “Heeelp uuuus creaaaate moooore of themmm?” “Biiiiig Isssssue, ssssiiirrrr?” Another zombie thrust a yellowed magazine into his face. Lenny pulled away from the ice of their touch, his heart pounding in horror. A glance in Alia’s direction showed that she was in even worse shape than he was. Her legs looked wobbly and she was as pale as a teenager with a free internet porn connection in his basement. The big guns had gone to work on her, and were currently trying to interest her in a free copy of their holy book. They had to leave, before it was too late. Summoning reserves he never knew he had, Lenny grabbed Alia by the hand and began trying to make his way through the undead merchandisers. He staggered and pushed his way through them, shaking his head, muttering excuses about lack of time and no money, feeling his date as almost a dead weight behind him. It was cruelly slow progress. His flesh was numb with cold by the time he turned the first corner of the building. Alia was more responsive now, but she was still a drag on his progress and on his will to continue. He wiped clammy sweat from his brow and pushed the latest flyer for double-glazing out of his face. They were never going to make it. Unless… An idea occurred to him. It was a crazy idea – but what was there about this place that wasn’t crazy? With nothing more to lose, he forced air into his shallow lungs and turned to face the crowd of sand zombies. “He’s got… the whole… world… in his… hands,” he began, in a quavering and breathless voice. Forcing himself to avoid the crowd, he looked over them to the buildings on the opposite side of the street. “He’s got the whole… wide world… in his hands.” The zombies seemed a little confused. They were still clustered tightly around himself and Alia, but their petitions seemed half-hearted, somehow. “He’s got the whole world in his hands… Alia, join in,” he muttered between lines, watching the zombies like hawks for their reactions. “He’s got the whole world in his hands.” It was working. Lenny felt exultant, as he watched the surety fade from the creatures’ movements. “What are you doing?” whispered Alia, her face glistening with sweat. “Join in,” hissed Lenny, as he tried to remember the words of the next verse. “Street sellers never bother buskers. We’ve just got to convince them that…” He dodged another pamphlet as the zombies began to regroup. He had been silent for too long. “He’s got the…err… Sun and the Moon… in his hands,” he sang, stronger now. “Come on everybody, join in!” The zombies became confused again, as he renewed his attack. Their sales-pitches began to slur and occasionally they stumbled as they lurched alongside him. Alia’s clear voice joined with his, hesitantly and with the wrong words sometimes, but adding to the power of their song. They were holding the undead at bay, but there was no getting rid of them. Cold dead eyes gazed at them, barely a body’s width away from them as they shuffled along the side wall of the library. Lenny decided to change song, hoping for a stronger reaction. He searched around for something that had the strength to turn even the most stubborn of street vendors. “Kum ba yah, my lord,” he sang, exulting as the zombies began to judder and botch their sales spiel. The two humans kept their backs to the wall, struggling their way through the sands and the zombies. They sang in increasingly dry-throated voices. By the time he reached verse three, there was a collective hum among their pursuers. Sand was beginning to run off them in rivulets and they were swaying, whether in rhythm or discomfort, it was impossible to tell. Lenny wondered at this reaction. He had expected that, if he was lucky, the zombies would start to ignore him. After all, nobody likes a street musician, especially one that encourages audience participation. This was more unexpected altogether. Like they were trying to ignore him, but couldn’t get those catchy melodies out of their heads. Like the music was drawing them in against their wills, even as it turned what was left of their minds to spaghetti. He decided to gamble. With what was left of his voice, he switched songs mid-verse. “Young man, there’s no need to feel down I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground…” Alia’s voice faded from its counterpoint. Kum ba yah was apparently her limit. Lenny continued, desperatly aware that the zombies were beginning to recover their initial doggedness. Well, that was just about to change, if he had anything to say – or rather, sing – about it. “It’s fun to stay at the…” He made the gestures (although not without an inward grimace) and encouraged the audience to join in: “…Y.M.C.A. Fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A You can get yourself clean…” The humming began to rise up again. One by one, the zombies began to mimic his motions, making letters in the air. Dust filled the air as they began to tremble and judder and sway. By the time Lenny reached the second chorus, they were almost at the second corner of the building and the sand zombies were slowly but surely tearing themselves apart with the effort of participating in one of the all-time great disco classics. By the time they got to the back door, Lenny was doing little more than croaking. Alia was joining in on the chorus, nevertheless his throat felt like sandpaper. Not that it mattered too much. Many of the zombies had crumbled to dust already and the others were scattered and wandering randomly, doing YMCA gestures and scattering pamphlets into the wind. Lenny turned the handle, hardly daring to hope that it would turn. To his immense pleasure it did. He scuttled inside, holding the door for Alia and slamming it behind her. A moment after he had stopped singing, there was a thump against the door, as something threw its weight against it. Lenny coughed dryly and turned to see what they had got themselves into now. It turned out to be both better and more uninteresting than he had expected. They were in a plain beige room with a wooden bench running along both sides of it. Directly opposite the door was another, much more solid looking door, with a small square of grating at eye level. A sign below it read: Library Opening Hours: Not Now and Not Never! The two of them looked at each other, uncertainly. There being little else in the way of choice, though, Alia went forward and rapped on the door. “Hello?” she called. “Is anyone there?” “Go away!” called a crotchety voice. Lenny tried. “We only want to go through the Catacombs entrance. Could you let us in please?” “No! Read the sign – not now, not never!” Lenny and Alia shared another perplexed glance. “Why not?” asked Alia. “Why not?” The voice sounded outraged. A moment later, a face appeared in the grille. From what they could tell, it appeared to be pale purple, hairless and slightly featureless. “Why not? Wrong question – entirely wrong! The question should be ‘why’?” Lenny was beginning to feel a little frustrated. “All right,” he said, an edge to his voice. “Why, then?” “Why? Exactly!” When this remark failed to elicit a response, or indeed an iota of understanding, the purple head continued. “Why should I continue this bleak existence? I open the library. Readers come in, they take books, they bring back books, they leave. I close the library again. Nothing exciting ever happens. Nothing new ever happens.” “Uhh…” began Lenny, then stopped, stumped. Alia continued, in his place. “Then why don’t you take up a new hobby?” she suggested, sweetly. “Do something to get yourself out of your rut?” The purple head turned to glare at her. “A new hobby? When I’m stuck inside this library, every day, every night? I’ve explored every nook and every cranny. I’ve read every book. I know every conceivable card, dice and puzzle game, in all their galactic variants. I’m bored, bored, bored. Don’t you understand? I’ve had it. My life is over and so is this library.” “But we only want…” began Lenny. “I don’t care what you want,” snarled the creature within. “There’s no point to it. You might as well just go back to where you came from and embrace the tedium. It’s what I intend to do.” Alia pulled a face and turned to Lenny. “What are we going to do now?” she asked. Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 8:32 am    Post subject: Quote: themselves apart with the effort of participating in one of the all-time great disco classics One of the funniest things I've seen anywhere. Wonderful. Now, a librarian..........? Hm... Suggest writing a book? She may have already attempted this, but it's worth a shot. Could satirise an existing IF story and suggest it as an idea. Offer to do something with her to make her have fun again. Grit your teeth and give her a sponge bath or something. I don't know. There must be something the librarian used to like doing, but got stopped by her apparent commitment to the library. Or just jab her in the eye, find her keys and find the door and run. The lazy and (knowing the denizens of this haunted house) potentially dangerous option, but you never know, it might work. If I can think of anything else I'll come back, but for the moment my idearium has all dried up. :biggrin: *holds breath* _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 8:54 am    Post subject: I like the jabbing her in the eye and running off with her keys suggestion. But it might be better all round if you just invite her along on the remote quest. Make it sound like some grand adventure, capable of alleviating even the deepest of boredoms. _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author Stubby Guest Items Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 8:58 am    Post subject: ethereal_fauna wrote: I like the jabbing her in the eye and running off with her keys suggestion. But it might be better all round if you just invite her along on the remote quest. Make it sound like some grand adventure, capable of alleviating even the deepest of boredoms. How romantic.... having a little old whatever-she-is accompany them on the date... I LOVE IT! Or possibly you could suggest that she applies to be on the show - the producer did have a soft spot for Lenny, so he might help out by getting her a place Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 9:01 am    Post subject: Stubby wrote: How romantic.... having a little old whatever-she-is accompany them on the date... I LOVE IT! Three isn't always a crowd. _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 9:17 am    Post subject: I like Flauna's and Stubby's idea - getting her to come with them, or trying to appear on Blind Date. The book idea is good as well. _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author OmegaTerra Citizen Joined: 14 Feb 2006 Posts: 120 Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 12:14 pm    Post subject: ethereal_fauna wrote: Three isn't always a crowd. That depends on which one of the three the perspective is coming from. _________________ Good night and good hunting! And the story goes The Orc and The Not so Fat Fat Fairy The Orc says.... The Twisty Stoat says.... Back to top Author Mother Goose Respected Citizen Joined: 09 May 2004 Posts: 511 Location: Connecticut Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 12:57 pm    Post subject: Is the librarian necessarily female? I just read it over, because I was thinking of "him" as an old man, and it really doesn't say. Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 1:13 pm    Post subject: You're absolutely right Mother Goose. It doesn't say, and Lenny and Alia can't tell from the voice Back to top Author Key King Joined: 08 Feb 2004 Posts: 2652 Location: The Royal Palace Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 1:28 pm    Post subject: Hmm...the sign says, "Not now, not never" Technically, if the library's not going to never open, it must open sometime. I wonder if there's something he's not telling us. Back to top Author Stubby Guest Items Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 1:40 pm    Post subject: Mother Goose wrote: Is the librarian necessarily female? I just read it over, because I was thinking of "him" as an old man, and it really doesn't say. You're right - entirely my bad - I just assumed that the strange creature behind the door was female - I guess it is because my wife was a librarian for a while so I tend to caste females in that role, now. Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 3:31 pm    Post subject: That doesn't stop him giving 'it' a spongebath. It'd just be really really wierd. _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 4:29 pm    Post subject: Yeah, I read it as being female as well. Strange that. _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 5:09 pm    Post subject: Dunno why I did. Maybe it's just because most of the stereotypical images of snooty librarians have been old, female crones. That image has just stuck, I guess. _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 8:26 pm    Post subject: I think they should try getting her/him a job on the show. Strange, I just assumed it was female as well. Hmmm. _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author DukeReg Citizen Joined: 12 Oct 2005 Posts: 287 Location: Australia Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 11:30 pm    Post subject: I'm going to go with the bringing him/her along on the "exciting quest". An inhabitant of this world must be able to help them somehow, even if its only in the capacity of an extra target. _________________ Duke Reg Completed SGs: Tempting Fate Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Apr 12, 2006 9:13 am    Post subject: Excellent chapter Stoat My point was going to be what Key already bought up. It should be fair to assume a librarian knows of double negatives - and it's possibly deliberate. "So if you're not open now, but not never - then open up in 5 mins." Of course, the librarian is so bored that's probably not going to convince them, but maybe make them think. That's when it's time to leap in with one of the other great ideas, in particular getting them to join us on the quest for the remote. If nothing else you could at least confirm whether there is a remote there, they said they'd explored every nook and cranny. "You can't have explored every part of library. I bet you don't even know if there's a remote control in here somewhere." No point considering other plans if we find out there's not even a remote here. Happy Writing. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Apr 12, 2006 10:27 am    Post subject: OmegaTerra wrote: ethereal_fauna wrote: Three isn't always a crowd. That depends on which one of the three the perspective is coming from. And whether the librarian turns out to be male or female. _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 12:35 pm    Post subject: Poll's up for 3 days. Vote away. Sorry about not including the 'poke her in the eye and grab the keys' option. Given that the grating is at eye-level and only a head-sized square, there's no space to get your hand through to the other side, never mind to grab anything and get it back. I've only included options that actually have a chance of working Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 1:47 pm    Post subject: Voted to quest, and winning. _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Ingrothechundyer Guest Items Posted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 3:06 pm    Post subject: I seem to be catching up on a lot of stories today Voted. Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Apr 17, 2006 1:42 pm    Post subject: 1 day left for voting. If you're going to, do it quick! Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Apr 17, 2006 4:07 pm    Post subject: Made it 3-3. _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 5:29 am    Post subject: Not anymore you didn't. _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 5:30 am    Post subject: Jeepers creepers! _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Stubby Guest Items Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 10:10 am    Post subject: Voted to invite the librarian along. I notice "it" has become "she" in 3 of the poll options. I'm assuming that was a slip of the keyboard... Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 10:17 am    Post subject: It was - and not even a very accurate one. It seems I'm guilty of the librarian stereotyping as well Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 10:33 am    Post subject: Or is that a confession that it is in fact a she? _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 10:35 am    Post subject: Nope. It's just a confession that I'm going to have to be very careful writing the next chapter, otherwise the whole thing will be littered with 'she', when that's not what I'm intending at all Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Apr 18, 2006 1:56 pm    Post subject: OK, it looks like Lenny and Alia are going to try to get a chaperone for the catacombs. I'll start writing this tomorrow, at a more sensible hour. Thanks for voting, everyone Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2006 9:31 am    Post subject: CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO: Cuts Both Ways “Umm…” Lenny trailed off, uncertain what to say. He had to try something though. Not only did he have a blood oath to fulfil, but Alia’s limpid eyes were looking at him expectantly, confident in the knowledge that he would get them through this. Misplaced faith was a terrible thing to have to live up to. The purple head began to move away from the door. “Wait!” he cried, desperately. “We can help!” The librarian managed a weary laugh. “Help? You? I’d like to see how!” Lenny thought quickly. “You’re bored, right?” “What are you – an imbecile?” snapped the purple head. “I’ve already told you I’m bored. Want me to repeat it again? Want me to spell it out? B-O-R-E-D. Bored. Get it now? I’m bored, yes, I’m bored!” Lenny bit back a caustic reply and forced a smile instead. “Well then,” he said, faking a cheery manner. “Why not take up something new? Something that you’ve never done before?” “Already done everything,” grumbled the voice. “I told you that before as well. Idiot!” “I’m sure you haven’t done everything,” he persevered. “I mean, if you’d explored every inch of the library – every nook and cranny, like you claim – you’d already know where the remote control is. I bet you don’t even know if there is a remote control, do you?” He held his breath. The purple head turned to look directly at him. He couldn’t see its features clearly through the mesh, but he was guessing that it was glaring. “The catacombs are not a part of the library. There may be an entrance here, but I don’t consider them a part of my domain.” “You see?” he replied, pressing his advantage. “A whole new world for you to explore, and yet you sit here, day after day, stuck in the same old routine. All you need to do is get out and about a little, see the world as an adventure.” A new layer of doubt crept into the librarian’s voice. “I’ve been down there a couple of times,” it said, slowly. “Horrible place it was. All dust and grime and… there were things down there. It doesn’t sound like much of an adventure to me.” “Ah, but you wouldn’t have to go down there alone this time,” said Alia, breaking into the conversation. “What?” said the Librarian. “What??” said Lenny. She smiled and leaned towards the grating. “Come with us, on the quest for the remote control,” she suggested, her voice sweet with suggestion. “What could be more exciting than a group of explorers, charting new territory, working together towards a common goal? So what if there’s a bit of dirt and grime? You’ll have us to keep you company and help you through anything that’s unpleasant or difficult. How about it?” Lenny stared, aghast. As if the date didn’t have enough going against it. Now they were going to have to babysit some moaning old granny and listen to her complaining about her bunions and the arthritis in her hips. Assuming, that is, that she had hips of any kind. And, he suddenly realized, assuming that it was a ‘she’! “What are you getting us into?” he hissed at his date. “The library, with any luck,” she murmured back. “Let me handle this.” “What are you two whispering about?” came the Librarian’s voice. “Oh, I know! You don’t want me to come along. That’s it, isn’t it? The moment I open the door, you’ll be off into those catacombs like a shot, leaving me here to moulder.” “Nonono!” Alia upped the concern in her voice another notch. “We do want you with us. Don’t we Lenny?” She stared meaningfully at him. In the light of her pleading look, he felt his willpower crumbling. “Er… yeah. Sure.” He slumped. “You don’t sound very sure,” badgered the Librarian. “Look!” said Lenny, his temper beginning to fray. “I have about three hours left before the Blind Date crew come to pick me up. If I don’t get the remote control for the Lady before then, I’m fried! Frankly, I don’t care whether you come along or not, as long as you open the blasted door!” “It’s really very important to us,” added Alia in her most soothing tones, as Lenny stood, nostrils flared and breathing heavily. “If you’d like to come along, you’d be most welcome – but we really must get into the catacombs as soon as possible.” “I’m sure it’ll be awful,” dreared the Librarian – but finally it opened the door for them. They looked at the creature that stood before them. Well, stood probably wasn’t the best term to use, under the circumstances. Reared would have been more appropriate. It looked like a long, pale-purple snake, with stubby arms. The skin was segmented in regular loops and it had a faintly slimy look to its flesh. It’s eyes were small, black beads on either side of its head, and its mouth was simply a split in one of the segments. “Well,” it said, ungraciously, “You’d better come in.” Lenny and Alia stepped cautiously across the threshold and peered inside. The sight that met their eyes was not what they would have expected. It was not what anyone, without at least a couple of decades in a mental institution, would have expected. The structure of a library still remained. Its skeleton, as it were. Overlaid on that, though, was an air of desperation so strong that it permeated the library like a large dose of cyanide. The word of the day was: knitting. Shelf after shelf was lined with books and crochet rugs, books and doilies, books and embroidery. Each book had a hand-knitted cover; presumably to keep it safe and warm, and to prevent anyone from reading the title or, indeed, opening it. There was a scarf. Just one. It wrapped around the entire circumference of the library, for as far as the eye could see. The other end of it, knitted in identical pattern, overlapped the first end by a good few shelves. There were tapestries on the wall. They depicted books. There were fledgling attempts at artwork. Still life pictures of books, surrealism, where the books were reading the people, and conceptual, where a book had been stapled to the library wall and hung open, sagging in its spine. “How long have you been here?” was the only intelligible thing Lenny could think to say. The Librarian humphed. “Just under two hundred years. Since my sabbatical. Five hundred before that.” “Oh, you poor thing!” Alia linked a hand through its stubby arm. “That’s a long time to be stuck in one place. Well, never mind. You can come along with us now.” Lenny glanced sourly at the two of them. He had been harbouring images of trekking through quiet, dimly lit library aisles (and perhaps stopping for a distraction or two on the way), and huddling together as they made their way through the Moaning Catacombs. These now seemed strangely unromantic when combined with the thought of a snake/lizard creature sliming along beside them like a chaperone from the Twilight Zone. “Where’s the entrance to the catacombs?” he asked, hating the petulance in his voice but not being able to help it. “What? Just like that?” the Librarian complained. “I haven’t even packed yet!” “Packed?!” Lenny exploded. “What do you need?” asked Alia quickly, giving her date a warning glance. “Well… this is all so unexpected,” replied the worm-thing, slowly. “I hadn’t prepared for any expeditions. I really don’t…” “But that’s half of the fun,” interrupted Alia. She continued, her voice bright. “You can’t plan for everything. That’s what caused you to be in this rut in the first place, isn’t it? Just go with the moment, enjoy the trip and don’t worry so much. We’ll take care of you, won’t we Lenny?” Not trusting himself to speak, Lenny gave a curt nod. “Well… I don’t know…” The Librarian pondered for a moment. “You could be right. Very well, let’s go.” It began to shuffle off towards the aisles. Only a few paces on, it turned suddenly. “Oh! I almost forgot!” To Lenny’s immense irritation, it began to squirm back towards its desk. As the two of them watched, it picked up a pair of knitting needles and half a dozen balls of wool. Cramming them into a handbag that looked as if it had been made of elephant skin, it slid back to them. “This way,” it said and began its horribly slow progress toward the shelves again. The trip seemed to take an age. Alia kept the Librarian talking, being cheerful and optimistic in the face of overwhelming odds. The world-weary worm seemed determined to see the worst side of everything, while Lenny was shooting silent but resentful looks at the back of the purple, slimy head. At length, however, the Librarian stopped in front of a small door, made from a black wood, with wrought iron hinges. There was no sign on it, none of the neon trickery of the Haunted Manor. This was a door that looked like it could swallow you whole, without so much as a single belch! “It’s down there,” said the Librarian, pointing a stubby arm at the door. Now that they were here, Lenny suddenly began to have doubts about the wisdom of this route. They had no idea what dangers were down there. There was no telling how big the catacombs were, or where this mysterious ‘other end’ was. Then there was the small matter of whether or not the legendary second remote control even existed, should they get there! With evening and planetary eviction drawing on fast though, it was probably more of a risk to do nothing or try another route. He would just have to plunge into the catacombs and hope that there was a solution to his problems down there somewhere. Sighing, he opened the door – which swung on well-oiled hinges, despite its appearance – and peered into the gloom. He could see little or nothing past the start of the downward ramp. “I don’t suppose you’ve got some source of light?” he said, turning back to the Librarian. You know? A lantern, or a flaming torch or something?” The snake-thing quivered in outrage. “Oil? Fire? Near my books?” Its voice reached a high pitch of indignation. “What sort of Librarian do you think I am? Young man, you’ll have no trouble seeing down there. I am a fully qualified glow-wyrm and my luminescence is enough light to read by on the darkest night. I doubt whether even a primitive like yourself would struggle to see by the light I give.” “Okay, okay!” Lenny raised his hands in surrender. “Lead on then.” Slithering haughtily (a nice trick if you knew how to do it!), the Librarian went through the door. Immediately, as the dark enclosed it, the wormlike body began to glow with a pale pink light. The eerie luminescence accentuated the dark, craggy crevices in the stone walls to either side of the figure. Alia walked forward as Lenny hesitated. She linked arms with him and gave a resigned smile. “Shall we?” she asked, gesturing towards the disappearing Librarian. He felt an answering smile spreading reluctantly across his face. “Why not? It’s not like things can get worse,” he said in a low voice. “I never expected to be stuck with some wrinkly old…” “Librarians have exceptionally good hearing,” called back a reedy voice. “Do you really want to finish off that sentence, young man?” Even as Lenny bit back a comment, Alia pressed her finger to her lips and mouthed the word, ‘Shhh!’ as she winked at him. It was a gesture so universal to every librarian he had ever met that he found himself biting back a giggle. Snorting softly, he followed the Librarian down the ramp towards the Moaning Catacombs. It was an uneven and steep descent. There were loose rocks on the ramp and Lenny and Alia found themselves skidding and fighting for balance down certain sections of it. The snake-creature seemed much more suited to the terrain and constantly complained about the amount of noise the other two were making. Soon enough, though, they reached the bottom. With the eerie pink light glowing from the Librarian, the catacombs looked like footage out of a slightly-too-enthusiastic horror flick. As they hesitated between three very similar looking passages, a low wailing noise started up. It had the tones of muted grieving, with the implication that it could keep this up for a thousand years, if necessary. “What’s that?” asked Alia, turning her head to try to catch a direction from the noise. “We’re going to get so lost!” sighed Lenny, aware of time ticking on. “They’re the moaning catacombs,” snapped the Librarian. “What did you expect? Happy little elves? And don’t worry about getting lost. I know my way around here.” “How?” Lenny challenged the glow-wyrm. “You said you’ve never been far into the catacombs!” It turned its glowing purple eyes on him with disdain. “It’s called education, young man. I read books. Local history books included. With maps. You should try it some time – you might actually learn something!” “I was trying to get an education when I got abducted into some freak game-show,” he shot back. “And if I ever get off this hellhole alive, I promise you, I’ll continue my studies to your heart’s content. And perhaps, if you show us the way to go, I’ll have a chance of getting off this hellhole alive!” Again, the warning hand came to rest on Lenny’s arm. Alia smiled warmly at the Librarian. “Lenny’s right, you know. The sooner we get started, the sooner you’ll get to see new sights and do new things.” “I’m sure it will all be dreadful.” The Librarian turned to the tunnel that led sharp right and began to writhe down it. Alia gave Lenny’s arm a reassuring squeeze before following. As they ventured into the high, narrow tunnels, the moaning got louder. It sounded like hundreds of voices now, each one barely more than a whisper, grieving in unison. The sound swept through the tunnels, echoing back on itself and amplifying the air of desolation. Lenny swept cobwebs from his face, irritably. He watched the other two, treading and slithering the path in front of him. They seemed to be the best of chums, all of a sudden, speaking in voices too low for him to hear, walking alongside each other and leaving him to trail in their wake. Another junction, then another. They simply turned and went in whatever direction the Librarian wanted them to take, never stopping or consulting with him at all. He felt his indignation growing. This was his quest, whether he had asked for it or not. His blood was on the line here, not theirs. The Librarian could always go back to its drab little life of making bobble-caps for its precious books. Alia would get off this planet whatever happened. If all this went wrong, though, he was going to end up spreadeagled to a wall in a transvestite’s boudoir. Facing the centre of the room, if he was lucky! Then again, what did Alia care? She had run off and left him to his fate twice now. Then she had invited a chaperone - and not just any chaperone, it must be added. Possibly the most repulsive chaperone that could ever have been envisioned, with a personality to match. She – Alia, that was - was nothing but a manipulative little tease, using her beauty to get her dates to fall for her, then standing back and watching as they became so much dog-meat! Eight dates from the show – and how many of them had lived through it, he wondered. Probably none of them, if Shill was a representative sample. So, it came down to this. He was nothing more than the next victim, ready to die for better audience ratings. Filled with uncharacteristic venom, he punched one of the camera orbs that was circling him, smiling bitterly in satisfaction as it crunched against the rock walls. His smile widened as he heard the sound of arguments from the front row of the expedition. Ah. It seemed like the honeymoon was over. The moaning was drowning out what Alia and the Librarian were saying to each other, but it was obvious from the tones of voice and the confrontational stance that they were fighting. It was hardly surprising really. The glow-wyrm was the most unpleasant creature that Lenny had met since… well, since Sharon the ferrywoman actually – but it was still pretty damned unpleasant! A nasty, spiteful tongue on it, and all the romance appeal of vulture in a honeymoon suite. All it had needed to do was open the library doors and let them find their own way – but oh no! It had insisted on trailing along like the eternal little sibling, with shorter legs and a whiny voice. Talking of whiny voices, if those moans didn’t stop soon, he was going to… His muscles were knotted in anger, fists clenched so hard that his nails were cutting into his palms. He felt nothing but a wave of glad hatred, when the Librarian’s voice finally rose above the incorporeal wails. “Well, if that’s the way you feel, you can just manage for yourselves. I hope you starve in here. I’m off!” It slithered past him, glaring through beady eyes. He somehow resisted the urge to kick its rear end as it drew level with his foot. “Well? Don’t just stand there – are you coming or not?” Alia’s voice drew his attention, icy with anger as it was. He hesitated. Without the Librarian, it was dark in the tunnels. There was also no way to know where their destination lay. “How do we even know it was leading us to the right place?” he demanded. “It could have been setting us up before it deserted us.” “Oh, believe what you want,” snapped the girl. “I’m going this way. Stay there in the dark, for all I care!” “Don’t you walk away from me! You’re my date!” shouted Lenny, beginning to hurry after her. “Don’t order me around. I can do what I…” Abruptly, the moaning stopped, breaking off as if someone had hit the mute button. A scream tore through the Catacombs from behind them, and the sounds of a hundred tiny growls accompanied it. The anger vanished in a flash. Alia and Lenny looked at each other, eyes shining in the darkness. “The Librarian!” they said simultaneously, stumbling back the way they had come. They got to the last crossroads and turned a corner. A horrible sight met their eyes. The glow-wyrm was alight, its luminescence shining with the power of its desperation. Clinging to it wherever they could reach were scores of small dark creatures. Even from this distance, the two of them could tell that they were all teeth, claws and wings. Every one of the batlike creatures was biting and clawing at the unfortunate wyrm, chewing on flesh and slurping as luminous purple blood spurted from its wounds. Without thought, Lenny drew his sword from his scabbard, tripping and lurching as he sprinted forward. He reached for the fading fury, putting it into a warlike yell and closed the distance between himself at the Librarian in a matter of seconds. As he closed, the creatures looked up from their feast. He felt a wave of nausea as he saw demon faces, complete with straggly hair and enormous canines. The faces were soaked in green blood and scrawny arms held them balanced against the snake-creature’s flesh. There was no body, only the arc of enormous wings behind the head. For a moment they stared. Then… they scattered. Disappearing into the multitude of shadows around them, the only signs that they had ever been there, were the resumption of the moaning – and the large chunks of flesh missing from the lower portions of the Librarian. Its stubby arms had been able to keep the worst of the attacks away from its head and upper torso – but the back half of its body was a mess! His face twisted as he stared at the tattered and oozing flesh. “Are you…” he gulped. “Are you all right?” It swayed and gasped. “My… dear boy… Do I… look… all right?” He caught the wyrm before it fell against the rough wall. It coughed up a small wad of gelatinous slime onto his boots. “You… must… use… your… sword…” “Wh-what?” he stammered. “Your… sword.” The creature drew a ragged breath. “Cut away… the part… that… too damaged.” “I… I can’t!” Lenny protested, hearing Alia’s exclamation of pity as she came up behind him. “Do it!” snapped the Librarian in a startlingly strong voice. Lenny turned to Alia, helplessly. She nodded. “You better had.” “But…” “Would you like me to do it?” she asked, steadily. Somehow, that was a lot worse. He gulped and looked at his blade. It was a rapier-like edge, absolutely no good for the job at hand. Arm shaking, he drew out his dagger instead and closed his eyes to the gore as he proceeded to part the mangled flesh from the healthy. In no time at all, he was covered in pink, luminescent ooze. He stank of alien blood and the knife was slick in his grasp. The Librarian was vibrating with pain and there was a high-pitched whine coming from its throat, combining nauseatingly with the moans of the bat-things. As he struggled not to retch, the only bright point was that there was no bone to cut through. The dagger was carving up the wormy flesh like a raw Sunday joint. He tried to think of it in that way. Tried not to think that he was cutting someone in half – and not in an entertaining magiciany sort of way either. In a real blood and guts and internal organs sort of way. Oh god. He was gonna barf! He was distracted from the roiling of his stomach by the fact that the knife suddenly hit stone. Relieved sweat trickled down the sides of his face as he realized that the job, however grisly, was almost done. Alia held the Librarians’s stumpy hands in a death-grip as she murmured soothing words to the creature. As quickly as he could, Lenny severed the rest of the final segment. As he withdrew his knife, he was amazed to see that the wound was already beginning to heal at the edges. The seeping blood thickened and coagulated, forming a patch over the rough-cut flesh. The Librarian’s head ceased to loll and it slowly drew itself upright again. “You know,” it managed in a faint voice, “That feels rather good.” “Huh?” was all that Lenny could manage. Incredibly, the purple mouth lifted into a smile. The book-wyrm straightened further, flexing its newly shortened body. “Yes indeed,” it said, and its voice was stronger now. “That’s taken years off me. I feel positively vibrant again. Shall we be off?” Without waiting for an answer, it began to slither away from the chewed stump of its old body, heading rapidly toward the other end of the catacombs again. Lenny turned a gobsmacked gaze on Alia. She shrugged. “Now you know what happens when you cut a wyrm in half,” she said. Then, “We’d better stay together.” With that, she followed the Librarian, leading Lenny by the hand. He followed numbly, glowing like a torch with low batteries. At least, if something happened to the Librarian now, they would have something to light their way. Not much of a consolation for being covered in wyrm-gore, though. He tried to ignore the irritating wailing of the catacomb-creatures as his mind went over recent events. What had happened back there? It had been like a temporary bout of madness. For a minute or two, he had felt like killing the Librarian – and perhaps even Alia, too! And those bat-creatures! Swarming like piranhas around a side of beef. There had been too many of them to fear much damage from his sword, but they had fled from him anyway. It had all been caused by the moaning. Their minds had been affected – clouded and made to think terrible, alien thoughts. Except… He squirmed a little as he followed the group. The rage may have been alien to him – but the resentment had been real enough, hadn’t it? He had been… well, let’s face it… enraged at the Librarian for muscling in on his action. Not to mention enraged at Alia for trampling on his romantic prospects that way! He shook his head irritably, as the wailing irritated him like a fly buzzing around his ears. What did she know about his dateless existence? Why would she have cared about how he felt at all? It had been obvious from the start that she never wanted to be here, with him. She had run off on every occasion, leaving him to face every danger alone. The secret staircase, the less-than-secret passage, the Lady, the sand zombies – twice – and where had she been when the Librarian was getting eaten? Way behind and in no hurry to catch up as he recalled. Well, he could do without dates like this, and he could do without people like her. She was just a… “Do you have to keep doing that?” Lenny was jolted out of his resentful reverie by the sharpness of the Librarian’s reedy voice. When he looked up, however, the creature appeared to be staring at Alia, not him. “Doing what?” Alia snapped. “That squeaking of your boots every time you take a step. Now I’m not one to complain, but…” “Oh no? You’ve done nothing but complain ever since we met you. I just wish Lenny had cut a little further up. He might have shut your stupid mouth while he had the chance!” “Well, what about you? Anyone would think I had designs on this lanky male of yours, by the way you’ve been acting! You keep me at the front of the group, never let me get a word in edgewise, glare at me if you so much as catch me looking at…” Alia broke in, face flushed and fire in her eyes. “You’re mad! I don’t want him – and I certainly don’t think you’re competition for me anyway. Look at you – all slimy and purple and old! Why don’t you just go back to your knitting and leave the two of us alone?” “Well, if that’s the way you feel!” The Librarian reared up on its shortened body. “Too right it is!” Alia spat. The Librarian glared at Lenny. “Well? Would you rather have light to see by, and a guide who knows the way – or some brainless female who wants to pick and choose your friends for you? It’s her or me, young man!” “Ha! You think he’ll pick you?” “If he wants to get out of here alive, he will!” “Well Lenny?” They both stood, breathing hard, glaring at him. He looked at them in disgust. Neither one of them was worth his effort. He was better off going it alone than putting up with this rubbish! It was bad enough that he had a headache from the constant whine of the bat-creatures, without… Everything suddenly clicked into place. He stepped in between his two companions. “This isn’t us,” he said, urgently. “The bats are at it again.” “I knew it!” moaned the Librarian. “You let that female lead you around by the nose. You’re just trying to avoid making a decision.” He resisted the urge to sink his fist into the glowing pink flesh. “It’s the bats,” he repeated, his voice tight. “They’re trying to divide us. Once we’re alone, they can feed. You saw how they ran when we got together again?” Alia’s nasty little chuckle almost caused a war between herself and the Librarian again. Lenny held them apart, biting down on the impulse to break down and slug it out with them. “Get a grip!” he panted, shuffling between them as they tried to land blows on each other from a distance. “If you leave, they’ve won. Do you want to end up as bat food?” The blow to his chin sent him reeling. He hit the rock wall as the breath was knocked out of him. For a moment, he saw dozens of little tweety-birds, flitting in circles through the green-lit caverns. Then he realized it was the bats, startled a little by his sudden movement. The creatures local to them had also stopped their wailing. He felt it before he heard the difference. The vice of his anger loosened a notch, leaving his head clearer and free of the pounding tension. He saw rage turn to concern on his date’s face, and a similar switch of expression on the snake-creature’s. Who could tell what a face like that was saying though? Despite the cat-fight between Alia and the Librarian, Lenny was still unsure as to whether their guide was male, female or both! “Lenny!” cried Alia and fell to her knees beside him. “Are you okay?” “Keep… moving,” he gasped. “Don’t let them… start their moaning… again.” He struggled to his feet, watching as Alia and the glow-wyrm began to wave their arms, zig-zagging crazily from one side of the tunnel to the other. As the bat-things scattered before them, the song remained distant, and therefore controllable. “Let’s go,” he said, taking shallow breaths as he felt his ribs (and his jaw!) for injuries. The next hour was almost dreamlike in its bizarreness. Between flapping their arms and making sudden runs forward and backward, they sniped and bickered like old married people at a dinner party. The bat-creatures were still trying their mental-domination tricks, but the lack of proximity kept it under control. Just. As time went by, though, Lenny began to wonder whether the Librarian really knew where it was going, or whether they were being subjected to random guesswork. The tunnels all looked the same to him, and there was no sign that they were getting anywhere at all. Until they hit the door at the end of the passage, that was. “Here we are,” said the snake-creature. “Where are we?” asked Lenny. “At our destination,” it said, sharply. His jaw clenched. “And what,” he said, with mock patience, “is our destination?” The Librarian pushed past him, its eyes sparkling with a mischief that had not been there before its coil reduction surgery. “The Chamber of Trial. You’re not scared are you?” Without waiting for an answer, it opened the door and slithered inside. Lenny and Alia hesitated a moment longer. Then, faced with no other choices, they followed after. The room they entered was a perfect oval shape. The rock walls had been smoothed and encrusted with tiny gems that lit from within. The whole chamber was like a bright daylight sky which sparkled with strange stars. There were three more doorways out. Deeply etched into the wood of the doors were three symbols. The first was a circle, thickly carved. The second was the shape of a hilted blade and the third was the shape of a heart. In the centre of the room, there was a statue, carved from well-polished wood. It appeared to be a sprite-like figure, its position half-crouching, alert. It held a thin blade in one ringed hand, and a small, heart-shape pendant of wood hung from around its neck. It was an exquisite work of art, carved by the most skilled hands. Either that, or some sculptor with the identical temperament to the Librarian had had far too much time on his hands! As the door shut behind them, all the bat-creature’s moans ceased. There was an instant feeling of relief from the low-grade rage they had been experiencing. Instantly, they all felt like themselves again. There was an awkward silence as they each began to run an internal list of all those things they’d said before, that now couldn’t be taken back. “So…” said Lenny, breaking the tension finally. “Is this the other end of the Catacombs?” “I believe we’re nearly there, yes,” said the Librarian, slithering closer to the sprite statue. “Then which way next?” he asked, looking at the three doorways. “All ways lead every ways!” A new voice sounded, from the centre of the room. Lenny turned in surprise, to see that the statue had changed position. It struck a ridiculous pose and began to chant. “Honesty is hard to find The truth sees all, it’s love that’s blind. Yet love can face a thousand fears And linger through a thousand years. A thousand years is hard to bear When lies lead love to dark despair. Each door will lead a different way But which is right? Well, who’s to say!” “Huh?” was the only response Lenny could think to say. “Uhh… could you repeat that again, please?” The sprite pulled a face at him. “Repeat requests are out of order I’m not a blasted tape recorder!” “Don’t worry,” said the Librarian, looking more enthused than they would have imagined possible a few short hours ago. “I think I got all of that. Each door leads a separate way, and we’ve got to pick the one we want to go through. It’s a sort of riddle. Is that right, little statue?” The statue grinned impudently. “All three doors require the keys. Pendant, sword and ring are these. Stolen from me, they will grant Exit for one miscreant. If I freely gift it, one Can take his two companions on Yet still the path is one of three Which one to take? Which will it be?” “Err…” said Lenny, “Look. Do you think you could just explain what’s going on, without all this poetry stuff?” The wooden sprite gave him a hard look. “What? You want the dummy’s version?” it said, scathingly. As they watched, it detached itself from the pedestal, jumped to the floor and sat heavily on the plinth. It fumbled in its wooden pockets for a moment, before bringing forth a wooden cigarette and a wooden lighter. “I dunno! You try to put a bit of mysticism into the whole thing and all you get is dumbo humans asking you for the one-syllable rendition!” “Excuse me!” said the Librarian, rearing higher in indignation. “I’m not human and I understand you perfectly!” The sprite gave the snake-creature an appraising glance. “Right then,” is said, sticking the cigarette in its mouth. “In simple languge. You’ve got three doors. You do understand what doors are, yes? Then you got three keys to those doors. Keys? Comprehend? Yes? So…” “So,” continued the Librarian, excitedly, “we can either take the keys by force, in which case, each of us must choose a separate route out or we can enlist this creature’s help and let it give us one of the tokens of its own free will - in which case, we will be free to go on down the same path together.” “How do we do that?” asked Lenny. “Bleedin’ hell! You want it all gift wrapped, don’t you?” demanded the Sprite, producing a flame from the wooden lighter and setting fire to the wooden cigarette. “I can’t tell you that. That’s the whole heart of the riddle, that is! You’re supposed to bleedin’ well prove that you’re worthy, that’s how!” “One thing I don’t quite follow,” interrupted the Librarian, watching as the Sprite shook the lighter, trying to put the flame out. It blazed merrily, in that telltale way that wood does, when someone sets fire to it. “What?” he demanded, throwing the lighter into the corner of the room. “Blasted one-shot lighters!” “What is the symbolism of the passages?” the glow-wyrm asked. “I realise that the ring stands for truth, the sword for courage and the heart-pendant for love – but which is the symbol of the route leads to the true destination, and what must we face to get to it?” The book-wyrm turned back to the Sprite, who looked not unimpressed. “I already told you,” he said, puffing wood smoke into the air. “All ways lead every ways. The person in charge – which I’m assuming is you, my lovely,” (he took a moment to leer at the Librarian), “has to decide where their priorities lie. What’s most important to them – love, truth or courage? Different paths, different destinations - and you’d better be sure you read your motivations right, because you could end up anywhere if you choose the wrong route.” “Well, actually, it’s not my quest,” answered the Librarian. “It’s his.” “Oh, well then, you haven’t a hope,” quipped the sprite. “I’ll tell you what, though, angel. I get off work in two hours. If you want to hang around, we could maybe go grab a bite to eat together. I know where they serve the greatest spangle-bugs on the planet.” “Well… I hadn’t really thought…” The Librarian turned from purple to deep pink, completely flustered. “I mean… I’ll think about it… very busy… important quest… have to check diary… I might be able to…” Lenny listened with half an ear as the Sprite and the Librarian flirted back and forth. He had other things to worry about. How did he persuade the Sprite to help him out? Even if he did, which of the paths should he go down? Where would he end up if he chose wrong? All this for one remote control? There had to be an easier way! Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2006 9:40 am    Post subject: Well, seeing how he's on Blind Date, I'd assume that currently love is the most important thing. He can't get out until he finds it afterall. _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Ingrothechundyer Guest Items Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2006 11:21 am    Post subject: I have to agree with lordy here. See if the glow wyrm can convince the sprite thingy for the love key. Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2006 4:39 pm    Post subject: Lovely long chapter there Stoat. Very enjoyable and well written! How long did it take to think of those rhymes?? I think Lordy has hit the dragon on the head. Love can show us the way! _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Apr 24, 2006 1:56 am    Post subject: chinaren wrote: How long did it take to think of those rhymes?? *grins* About 30 minutes. I like doggerel rhyme though. It's a pleasant challenge. And don't forget, if the Librarian gets the locket from the Sprite, then she is the quest leader - and her destination may be very different from Lenny's. I can see her path trailing around for 2 hours before winding straight back to the chamber, just in time for the sprite to get off duty To get to the remote control, Lenny must find the concept most important to him, and persuade the Sprite to give him the equivalent symbol. That's the rules of the game Back to top Author Ingrothechundyer Guest Items Posted: Mon Apr 24, 2006 3:05 am    Post subject: Makes sense. How bout he convince the sprite to give him the best key so he can (and will) return the libriarian here as soon as he gets the remote? Failing that he ask the sprite for the love key so he can hurry up and return the libriarain here as soon as he gets the remote. Back to top Author Lordy Citizen Joined: 18 Apr 2006 Posts: 116 Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Apr 24, 2006 3:14 am    Post subject: Well, if the show picked fit to choose him, he must have had love on the mind. Afterall he was complaining to himself how he never got anywhere with girls, so I still would say love is important to him. Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Apr 24, 2006 3:18 am    Post subject: Lordy wrote: Well, if the show picked fit to choose him, he must have had love on the mind. Afterall he was complaining to himself how he never got anywhere with girls, so I still would say love is important to him. Definitely. Love is on his mind. So is finding out the truth about what's wrong with Alia. But that's not the point. The point is that the route changes, depending on the person who takes the artefact off the Sprite. The paths are magical and Lenny's path will take him towards goals that are important to him (ie. the remote control), whereas the Librarian, following the same path with the same artefact, would be led straight back to the chamber of Passage. It all gets metaphysical around here, you see Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Apr 24, 2006 3:20 am    Post subject: Wonderful chapter Shady, and not nearly as long as it appeared, so it was a great read! :biggrin: Quote: Even as Lenny bit back a comment, Alia pressed her finger to her lips and mouthed the word, ‘Shhh!’ as she winked at him. It was a gesture so universal to every librarian he had ever met that he found himself biting back a giggle. This confuzzled me, though only a little. To me it sounded like the Librarian had done it, though reading back I know it isn't too silly for Alia to have done it. Just my poor cognitave skills showing me up again, I guess. I think that he would go for love, but your right about the Librarian potentially posing a problem. Maybe he could persuade the sprite and the librarian to come with them. He could appeal to the Sprite's lazy side, saying somthing about no one else coming to the cave for ages. Ask him how many visitors he'd had in the past 100 years. Then, though it'd be a harrowing journey with two lovey dovey monsters, at least he would have them all with him, so the Librarian wouldn't run off before he finished. He could take Alia, ge the remote and get the hell out of there. Looking forward to the next chapter! :biggrin: *holds breath* _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Apr 24, 2006 9:19 am    Post subject: Fantastic chapter Stoaty Lots of funnies as usual. Quote: The sooner we get started, the sooner you’ll get to see new sights and do new things.” “I’m sure it will all be dreadful.” Plenty of Marvin Moments, or are they Eeyore Episodes? I like Soily's plan - lead them on a quest together. The only issue with the plan - the sprite can't leave work, so we need to convince him that accompanying us is work..or worth skipping work anyway. "Being a dumb human and all, it'll save you some effort following me just incase I lose the key and then you have to go looking for it." Happy Writing _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Apr 24, 2006 11:12 am    Post subject: I agree with Smee...and his already typing it up means that I don't have to. Although I don't think that the sprite will be convinced by saving himself future efforts. It needs to be a more compelling argument. If I can think of one I'll certaonly post it. _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Apr 30, 2006 4:51 am    Post subject: New poll goes up tomorrow. If there's anything left to say, say it soon Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon May 01, 2006 4:42 am    Post subject: I've put the poll up. I have my suspicions as to what will get the most votes. THis storygame is getting a certain Pied Piper feel to it. Still, you've got 3 days - have fun and vote away Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon May 01, 2006 6:04 am    Post subject: Sprite - Glow Worm- Lenny - Raven-haired beauty orgy here we come! :biggrin: Voted. *holds perverted breath* _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Back to top Author Stubby Guest Items Posted: Mon May 01, 2006 8:20 am    Post subject: Pied piper? I don't know what you mean! *looks innocent* Voted Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon May 01, 2006 11:10 am    Post subject: Well, I went for the love key. Meh. _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Ingrothechundyer Guest Items Posted: Mon May 01, 2006 11:22 am    Post subject: Were catching up Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu May 04, 2006 8:25 am    Post subject: Okay, we're going to try inviting the Sprite along. This could get bizarre... Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat May 06, 2006 7:03 am    Post subject: CHAPTER TWENTY THREE: The Sacrifices Made for Love Love, truth or courage. What sort of a choice was that? Lenny sighed and considered the options, such as they were. They could just snatch an item each off the Sprite, he supposed. Go their separate ways. The Librarian, at least, he would be glad to get rid of – and he still didn’t know how Alia felt about him, so maybe they were better off heading along different paths? He rejected the notion for two reasons. One, although he still didn’t know how Alia saw him, he was beginning to know how he felt about her. Whatever was to happen to them, he wanted it to happen to them, together. And two, if the girl didn’t survive her trip, he was back on Blind Date again the next week and the next, and the week after that, until this whole wretched mess ended in his marriage or his death! There was very little he wouldn’t do, by this point, to avoid having to star in the show again. So, they were all heading down the same path. Courage? Lenny dismissed the idea. He neither lacked courage, nor felt that it was particularly important to him right now. Besides, the path of courage sounded suspiciously like something that Indiana Jones might be hurtling along, with a giant boulder following him. Best avoided, if possible! Truth? That one was tempting. If he was going to be interested in Alia, wouldn’t the truth be important? What was she hiding? Why had she survived eight dates on the show and come away with nothing to show for it? Why did she look so sad, much of the time? What was behind the pretty veneer? And in the end, what did it matter? It all came down to survival. If he was to survive, he needed to find a way to make it work with this girl, no matter what was wrong. Love, then. It all came down to love. This whole sorry episode had begun when he had complained about not being able to get a date. The contest, the Producer, the crazy aliens – they’d all been about finding love. This whole day was designed to get him entwined with some female or other. He had to go for the heart pendant. Turning back to the Sprite, he plastered a fake smile on his face. “I… err… don’t suppose you’d just give me the pendant if I asked?” The Sprite fixed him with a look. “Oh, remarkable,” it sneered. “That’s real testing, that is. Give away the pendant to anyone who asks. Would I spend months of effort making up rhyming couplets if I was going to give away my treasures to the first person who came along and held their grubby little paw out? I don’t think so, matey!” He gritted his teeth and tried again. “Please. It’s very important. After all, I’m sure you’ve been in love yourself. You know how it feels.” “Oh? And just who are you in love with?” asked the wood-sprite, still puffing on his cigarette. Lenny hesitated, then took the plunge. Dignity wasn’t as important as getting the remote control. Avoiding all eye-contact and blushing fiercely, he replied: “Alia.” He wasn’t looking, but he couldn’t fail to hear the Librarian’s harrumph, the Sprite’s chuckle and Alia’s intake of breath. “Sorry, mate,” grinned the Sprite. “My records tell me you’ve never told her this before. In declaration of love cases, I need authentication. Otherwise just anyone could come and take the pendant. So – what else have you got?” “Mr. Sprite?” said Alia, quietly. She was ignored. Lenny was too busy wanting to punch the smug Sprite hard enough to break his knuckles, as it dangled the pendant enticingly at him. Then he glanced at the Librarian and had an idea. “What about coming with us?” he asked, brightly. “That way, you’d never have to release the pendant, technically, and you could spend some time with the… uhmm… the smart one?” He nodded to the glow-wyrm and watched the Sprite’s gaze follow as it pondered. “Tempting,” it said, at last. “I don’t get off work for two hours though. If you could wait that long…?” “Err… Mr. Sprite?” Alia cut in, a little more forcefully. “Not now, Alia!” ground Lenny. He turned back to the Sprite. “I can’t! There’s only a little over an hour before I have to leave the planet. I need the remote control by then. I need that pendant! Look – you’ll never get the pendant back if you don’t come with us? When I leave, whatever prize you give me will be taken along as well. So, you’d only be protecting your treasure, right?” The Sprite merely shrugged. “Disposable merchandise. I get hundreds of those things every month. My only job is to see that they don’t fall into the wrong hands.” “Uhh…Mr. Sprite?” came Alia’s voice, cutting across the room. Both Sprite and Lenny turned to her, irritation plain on their faces. “Yes? What?” They said, simultaneously. She stared back expressionlessly. “Mr. Sprite - your fingers are on fire.” “What? They arrrrg! Help! Someone put it out!” The cigarette had burned all the way down and was now blazing merrily through the Sprite’s wooden fingertips. He flailed gingerly at it with his other hand, no doubt realising the perils of feeding a fire with yet more wood. Alia walked towards him. “Can I have the love pendant, Mr. Sprite?” “Owwwwwhat? Yes, take it, take it,” shrieked the Sprite, in full-fledged panic by now. “Just put the fire out!” “Quick! Take that off!” Alia turned to Lenny, pointing at his brown tunic. “Huh? What?” “Oh, never mind!” She advanced on him and wasted no time in wrestling the jacket off him. A few seconds later, she approached the shrieking Sprite and wrapped the fire up in the bundle of clothing. Fearlessly, she smothered the flames until there was nothing but smoking wood and fabric left. The wood-sprite looked at his singed fingers regretfully. “It’ll take weeks to get the veneer back on those.” “Oh, you poor thing,” said the Librarian, slithering up for a look. “Maybe I should stay behind and make sure that you’re alright.” Lenny leapt in at his chance. “Yeah, you do that,” he agreed. “Now, can we have the pendant key?” “No!” snapped the Sprite. “You can’t. She can.” With a clumsy one-handed gesture, he took the wooden heart from around his neck and handed it over to Alia. She took it with a sweet smile, then turned to the Librarian. “Are you sure you want to stay?” she asked. Lenny attempted not to choke on his own tongue as his eyes bulged. The glow-wyrm looked from the two humans to the Sprite. Then it nodded. “I’m sure,” it said, stroking the wood-sprite’s fingers in a show of wiping the soot away. “Good,” retorted Lenny. Then, seeing Alia’s expression, “I mean… uhh… glad to see you make such a swift decision. Time’s running out, you know.” He gestured meaningfully at Alia. She took the hint. “Yes, well – we’ll miss you,” she replied. “Lenny – shall we go?” The two of them moved toward the heart-embedded door. Alia took the pendant and held it up to the heart-shaped etching. Immediately, bright light shone through the chinks in the wood and the door began to open. They could see nothing but brilliant white light ahead. Shielding their eyes, they took a tentative step forward, through the doorway. As they stepped through, the light vanished and they landed on a cobbled corridor. There was no sign of the complaining bat-creatures, and the tunnel was pitted with regular lantern-lit alcoves. It seemed, on the surface, much more pleasant than the catacombs had been. Still Lenny worried. “Do you think we’re still in the catacombs?” he asked, nervously. “Does it matter?” asked Alia. “Well – the remote control is meant to be at the other end of the catacombs,” Lenny answered. “So if we’re not still within them, we won’t get to the remote.” She surprised him with a hug. “Don’t worry – we’ll find it,” she said. “I want you to fulfil your oath to the Lady as much as you do.” “What do you mean?” asked Lenny as they walked down the tunnel. “Well,” blushed the girl. “It would be nice to… to actually finish a date with someone who lo… I mean, liked me.” Finally, the conversation seemed to have turned to all those unanswered questions. Lenny wondered whether to pursue it. Then he decided he might never again get the chance. “So… how come you haven’t found anyone in eight dates?” he asked, cautiously. “I’m not really sure,” she answered. “There were obviously some I didn’t like. They were never going to work out – but you can’t get good picks from every show.” “But the others?” he persisted. “Let me see…” she pondered, frowning sweetly. “Well, there was Sogfrod the Melifluous first. He was rather sweet. Only had one leg, but we shared a lot of the same hobbies. It was very unfortunate.” “Very unfortunate?” asked Lenny. “What do you…” He broke off. There was a strange rumbling coming from the corridor ahead. A dark shape seemed to be blotting out the lights ahead. First the lantern three alcoves away flickered and disappeared. Then, a second later, the one two away. As the shape thundered towards the two of them, it solidified into a giant grey-black beast with elephantine skin, stubby legs and a face full of spikes. Glowing violet eyes stared with maddened intensity as it snuffed out the light of the closest lantern. It must have been at least three tons of thoroughbred brute! With a shriek that was way too womanly, Lenny pushed Alia into one alcove and leapt into the opposite one. Momentum carried him halfway to safety. The other half was achieved by a glancing shoulder-blow from the creature as it stampeded past them and down the corridor. Breathless and bruised, Lenny forced himself to turn and see what move the beast would make next. To his astonishment, he saw that it was already disappearing into the ghostly shape that it had started from. Within the space of another three lantern-lengths, it had disappeared completely, not even leaving the trace of a sound behind it. “That’s amazing!” breathed Alia. “Uuunngg?” wheezed Lenny. A frown wrinkled her pretty nose. “It’s just that… that’s exactly what happened to Sogfrod. We were out on an adventure safari when he got…” She faltered and continued with quivering voice. “…when he got hit by a stampede of panicking letherids.” “Owww.” Lenny picked himself up with difficulty. “Hardly a herd – although one’s enough, I have to say!” He offered a hand up to Alia, while checking nervously back and forth, for signs of any other organic tanks approaching. The coast appeared to be clear. They carried on timidly down the corridor. The lanterns had not been extinguished, only blocked by the massive form of the letherid. Lenny found himself thinking about that. The Sprite had said that every passage would be different, depending on who took the key from it. Alia had the key – therefore it stood to reason that love was on her mind. That didn’t mean anything though. She had already admitted that she didn’t want to go through a tenth session of Blind Date, so it was obvious that love was important to her in that context at least. However, the moment she had started talking about her first date, some force had tried to eliminate Lenny using the same circumstances. Did this mean that he had to avoid talking about her previous partners, lest the same fate befall him? Probably. He resolved not to test his luck and try the theory out. Better not to know the truth, at that price. “Are you all right?” Alia’s voice interrupted his thoughts. “Me?” He rubbed his bruised arm, wincing a little. “Yes, I’m fine.” “It’s just… when I saw you being attacked by a letherid, just like my…” “Are you okay?” countered Lenny, desperately trying to steer the conversation from dates of any kind. “Yes,” she answered. “You saved me. I don’t think I’ve ever been on a date before where someone… oh dear…” She trailed off, looking at his face. “What?” asked Lenny, alarmed. As he spoke, he could feet that there was something different in the movement of his face. Alia looked nervous and guilty all at once. “It’s just… my second date…” “I don’t want to hear about your past dates,” snapped Lenny, raising a hand to his face. He jumped back, repulsed, as he saw that the back of his hand was covered with raised, bright green blisters. Alia continued, gabbling the words, as if to get them over with. “I know it was shallow,” she prattled, “and, I swear, he was a really nice guy – but I just couldn’t get used to him being covered with pus-filled boils. I mean, some girls go for that sort of thing, but it just didn’t turn me on, you know?” Lenny whimpered. His hands – his arms – his whole body, by the feel of it – was covered in lumpy, liquid boils! “Oh great!” he said, petulantly. “I thought this was supposed to be the passage of love. Not a reminder of every guy you’ve dumped in the past!” “Well, it’s not like I’m causing this!” “If not you, I’d like to know who!” snapped Lenny. “You’re the one who took the pendant. You’re the expedition leader now. This is your tunnel – your world. Who else should I blame?” “Oh?” she blazed. “And I suppose you’d rather I’d left you to fail with the Sprite on your own? You weren’t doing a very good job at persuasion, from what I could see!” “That isn’t the point! The point is, you picked the route and now I’m paying for it! First a giant rhino-thing, then a body full of boils! What’s next? A low-flying pickaxe?” “No!” shouted Alia, her cheeks red with anger. “My third date fell down…” There was a clunk beneath Lenny’s feet. He yelped and disappeared the trap door. “Lenny!” Alia shrieked. Flinging herself flat on the floor, she peered into the blackness. Look as she might, she could see nothing. She wasted no time, standing up and wrestling with the lantern in the opposite alcove. Just as she unhooked it from its spike, a voice drifted up through the trap door. “I suppose you think that was funny!” Almost crying with relief, she hurried back to the trap door. Lenny was glaring up at her, arms and one leg hooked over a wedged metal pole that seemed to be slowly buckling under his weight. “The good news,” he said, through clenched teeth, “is that the boils are gone. Can you guess what the bad news is yet?” “Oh Lenny!” quavered Ali, eyes still wet with tears. “I’m so glad you’re still alive. My third date fell right to the bottom of the garbage chute and the steel chompers got him!” Lenny looked down. “No. No chompers,” he said, his voice strained. “There do appear to be a horde of angry pygmies waving spears and shouting at me though.” “My fourth date,” she whispered, apologetically. “Eaten by cannibals.” “Never mind that!” snapped Lenny. “My grip’s slipping – and the pole will break soon. It’s a long way down. How do I get out of this?” Alia closed her eyes and forced herself to think quickly. “Do you have a rope?” she asked. “No. A whip. You’ve got one of those. Throw it up!” To his credit, Lenny didn’t waste time on arguing. There seemed little point, with the metal tube buckling more by the second. He took the whip out of its holster, clinging with a crooked elbow and a heel to the metal, and he lobbed the whip carefully up the hole. It sailed up. For a horrible instant, he thought that Alia would fail to catch it, and it was going to come straight down and hit him between the eyes. Fortunately, she didn’t catch like a girl. Whip in hand, she disappeared from the top of the trap door. The next seconds were the longest of Lenny’s life. The pygmies below started throwing things at him. The pole was turning into a very interesting ‘U’ shape. His sweat was making his grip slide and there was no sign of any reprieve. Then the girl’s head appeared at the top of the opening. “I’ve secured the pommel of the whip to the lantern spike,” she said. “Fortunately, it’s one of the showy models. You’ve got about twenty Earth feet of leather. You should be able to catch onto the end and pull yourself up - but hurry! I don’t know whether the spike will hold.” As the leather strap was lowered down, Lenny spared the grim thought that the spike would probably hold just fine. It was the shoddy Blind Date merchandise that he was more worried about! The pole creaked alarmingly, wobbling on the brink of complete collapse. It was now or never. Lenny reached up and grabbed the end of the whip, pulling it taut and taking his weight off the pole just seconds before it collapsed down the pit. Then, thanking his lucky stars for years of compulsory gym class, he began to haul himself up the taut leather, hand by hand. By the time he got to the top, he was bathed in sweat and quite exhausted. He lay on the floor, trying to catch his breath. “You’re not… hurt, are you?” asked Alia, timidly. “Just… tell me…” panted Lenny, rolling onto his back. “What… did the… fifth date… die of?” “Oh, he didn’t die!” she protested. “I just couldn’t bear to be around such a strict…” A rain of kippers fell, seemingly from nowhere. Lenny looked reproachfully at her as they buried him, knee-deep. “…vegetarian,” she finished, knowing that, under no circumstances, must she allow a giggle to escape. Her lips twitched, but she kept control. “He was a druid, you see. Thought that plants could feel pain and that causing any life form suffering was unacceptable.” “So… what?” asked Lenny, bitterly. “I’m going to be beaten up by tree branches next?” “I… I don’t think so,” she answered. “I think I’ve figured out what’s causing all of this. You just have to get through three more of my ex’s and you’re through it.” Lenny stepped out from the kippers, wrinkling his nose. He now stank of oily fish, sweat and wyrm blood. He had definitely had better days. Every day but this one came to mind as an example! “So what’s going on?” he pleaded, as they began to trek down the corridor again. “Well,” she replied, “I think my problem with love is that only the people I don’t like seem to survive the date. I’ve never had anyone that I… feel anything for… that something terrible didn’t happen to.” A single tear rolled down her cheek. “I guess the Love Exit interpreted that to mean that I was looking for a survivor. So it’s throwing all the past challenges at you. All the challenges that my other dates failed. If you can live through them, then I guess it will think you’re worthy of my l-love.” Lenny’s eyebrows raised in amazement. He had never thought of himself as having low self-image. At the moment, though, even he had to admit that he wasn’t a partner that would inspire the word ‘love’ to come from any girl’s lips. Yet Alia had just said it. Did that mean…? Suddenly, he felt the urgent need to survive this. “Right,” he said. “Tell me what went wrong with the other dates. Quickly!” “Let me see…” Alia wrinkled her eyebrows in thought. “The sixth one was… oh, he was really nice actually. It was only when he took me home to meet his…” There was a noise behind them. They turned. Lenny gawped. His mother was standing there. Sandra Cludge, with her blonde-grey hair, kind eyes and exquisite knees. “M-mom?” Lenny’s voice trembled. The sight of a face so familiar in the midst of all this was almost more than he could process. “Is that really you?” “Lenny,” she answered, in a familiar voice that still somehow made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. “Is this girl bothering you?” “Err…” he said, watching in alarm as his mother’s grin grew feral, stretching across her face with terrifying alienness. “Lenny!” shouted Alia, shaking him out of his trance. “His mother was some sort of werewolf. She tried to eat me. Lenny!” The words drifted through his numb brain, but he felt helpless to move as the image of his mother began to sprout coarse fur and claws. The teeth and ears were elongating to points and Lenny could hear the sickening sounds of bones crunching and grinding as her body started to assume its new shape. The creature that used to be his mother let forth a howl of agony as the transformation continued. “Lenny! The sling!” Alia took the catapult from his pouch and waved it urgently in front of his face. “You’ve got silver shots. Use them! It’s the only way!” “Whaa?” Lenny blinked, turning shocked eyes to Alia. “But… th-that’s my mother!” The transformation was almost complete. Yellow eyes glared balefully at the two of them, as the muzzle curled up into a snarl. “I’ve seen Xandara Cludge on the re-runs,” snapped Alia. “If that’s her, she’s really let herself go! You’ve got to shoot it. Please, Lenny!” She curled one of his hands around the shaft of the catapult and wrapped the fingers of his other hand around the silver bearing. “Shoot it, Lenny,” she urged. Its muscles bunched to leap. He followed the trail of its gaze and realized that it wasn’t jumping for him. It was going straight for his date. Everything became clear in an instant. This apparition was no more real than the leather-beast had been. His own mother had always encouraged him to get out and meet more girls. She had always been sweetness itself to his friends and his… well, she would have been sweet to his dates, if he’d had any. He was sure of it! It was a test. Was he a mother’s boy, or was he prepared to stand up for his girl, against the will of a snarling family. Alia had been right. She couldn’t fight this battle. It was all up to him. He pulled back the sling and fired the bearing at the beast. Just after it had leapt, as it happened. He watched with horrified eyes as the silver ball flew off down the corridor, missing the werewolf completely. Alia screamed… …and the beast disappeared, fading to shadow instants before it connected with her. The two of them looked at each other, breathless with their close escape from disaster. “What happened to the seventh?” asked Lenny, not trusting this moment of peace. “Ahh… should we carry on down the corridor?” asked Alia, avoiding his gaze. Lenny crossed his arms. “I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what went wrong with the next date.” She blushed, shuffling her feet uncomfortably. “He was one of those people who thinks that ‘no’ means ‘yes please’,” she said, reluctantly. “The date wasn’t halfway through when he made his move. I had no choice but to… kickhiminthesensitiveparts,” she finished in a rush. Lenny’s hands were interlocked over his trouser area before he had consciously registered the meaning of Alia’s words. It didn’t protect him from the giant boot that came swinging up from behind, knocking him flat on the floor with a face full of cobbles. “…which were in the small of his back,” concluded Alia, biting her lip apologetically. “Grangorians are odd that way. Here, let me help.” “I can manage,” groused Lenny, picking himself up and inspecting himself for bruises. “Is that the lot now? Can we finish this journey?” “Well, there was the eighth date,” she ventured. “I already know about Shill,” he said, limping forward down the corridor. “Unless there’s something I don't know about, the heat of nine suns isn’t going to kill me.” Nevertheless, as they wandered down the corridor together, it soon got uncomfortably hot. Both Lenny and Alia were sweating, their clothes clinging damply to them. The air was stuffy and oven-warm in their lungs. More than once, Lenny was tempted to either get rid of some of his clothes or some of his equipment. Given how much of it he had used in the last half hour, though, it was probably not wise to get rid of any of it, no matter what the need. He wondered how much time he had before the Blind Date crew came to get the two of them. Enough time to get to the remote? Even if he did, how on earth was he going to return it to the Lady in time to get out of his blood oath? Perhaps he could ask the crew to do him a favour and drop it off on their way back to the teleporters. Knowing how Blind Date treated its contestants, though, they were more likely to be drugged into compliance than have their needs treated with any sense of respect whatsoever. Alia interrupted his bleak thoughts with an exclamation. “Look!” she said, pointing ahead. “Can you see lights?” He squinted. As they had been travelling, the lanterns’ illuminations had dimmed gradually. Although they had barely noticed it, they were now travelling in a dusky, grey corridor that darkened almost to blackness ahead. In that darkness, a series of lights twinkled on and off, with a kind of random regularity. Lenny felt the familiar tension of dread settle on him again. Little lights. Little red lights! Red was never a good colour for little lights. He wondered what the next trial would be. It was obviously another attempt to kill him off in new and inventive ways. With time running out though, there was only one choice to be made. “Let’s go and see what it is,” he sighed. They stumbled forward, peering into the gloom and always seeing the blinking lights ahead. Finally, the heat faded back to tunnel coolness and they were able to redouble their pace. It came as a shock when a neon sign loomed in the next dark alcove. It glowed with ghostly light, reading: Welcome to the Other Side of the Catacombs! They were here! Lenny grinned in relief at Alia who leaned over and kissed him, before linking arms and dragging him on. The next sign, however, was above the final door arch – and it made them stop in disbelief. The Haunted Manor Gifte Shoppe. Thieves will be shown NO MERCY! Lenny clutched his head in despair. “We’ve come to the wrong end of the catacombs!” he groaned. “I’m dead!” “No!” Alia’s voice shook with excitement. “No, you didn’t. Look!” Lenny looked up. Finally, they could see what the red dots were. Dozens of standby buttons, all blinking on and off at regular rates, at different times. Dozens of viewing screens, attached to the little red dots – with dozens of remote controls atop them! Other storage boxes lay around the dusty basement. This was obviously the Gifte Shoppe store-room. “Wow!” he breathed, hardly daring to believe his eyes. “This is great. I can just wander straight through and give the remote to the Lady. Then I’ll be free when the crew come to pick us up.” He walked into the store-room and to the nearest screen. One remote was as good as another, he supposed. He picked up the remote control and began to walk towards the basement steps. Immediately, there was a high-pitched whistling noise. It lasted for two skull-rattling seconds. When it ended – and by the time that Lenny and Alia had got their eyes uncrossed – they had company. A ghoul stood at the top of the steps, aiming a slim tube at the two of them. It was, unmistakably, gun-like. “Put. It. Back.” The ghoul gestured at the remote, its black eyes boring through Lenny. “It’s gifte-shoppe property.” “But I…” “Thief!” snarled the ghoul, pointing the gun right at Lenny’s heart. “Give me one reason why I shouldn’t just shoot you on the spot!” “Err…” began Lenny. Last edited by Shady Stoat on Sat May 06, 2006 8:39 am; edited 1 time in total Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat May 06, 2006 8:31 am    Post subject: Great chapter Stoat! Something nice to read in my work break, especially considering it wasn't novella sized... Noticed a few things: Quote: As she shape thundered towards the two of them I think this is supposed to be the. Quote: “Unless there’s something I know about, the heat of nine suns isn’t going to kill me.” I think you meant to have 'Unless there's something I don't know about'. Quote: “Err…” began Lenny.[/size] There's an unfinished size thingy... :biggrin: I think that he should either mention the Lady and her need of a remote, hoping that either the goul will be afraid of her (for whatever reason; she's a scary lady in inapropriate clothing: whou wouldn't be afraid? ) or that we can convince him that she would reward the goul for helping, and as the haunted house gift-shoppe is apparently much nearer to the lady's chambers, he could come with them as he gives the lady the remote, and hope she rewards him. If I can think of anything else, maybe a first person post detailing what Lenny could say to get himself out from under the buisness end of a gun-thing, then I shall return! *holds breath* _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Back to top Author Ingrothechundyer Guest Items Posted: Sat May 06, 2006 9:34 am    Post subject: I like the idea of inviting the ghoul along to visit the lady and bring the remote to here Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat May 06, 2006 10:16 am    Post subject: whisper to him that it's a live broadcast documentory, and that the manager has already given his agreement. Then when he goes to check, run. _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat May 06, 2006 12:32 pm    Post subject: Thanks for the spot-fixes Soily. Dealt with and disappeared One thing to bear in mind here. This is the original house's gifte-shoppe. It's a fair bet that whoever runs the place knows about the war of the remote control. If he wanted to win the Lady's favour, there's a good chance that he would have presented her with a remote control already. She's been one floor away, all this time. Good first suggestions though. Keep 'em coming Back to top Author DukeReg Citizen Joined: 12 Oct 2005 Posts: 287 Location: Australia Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun May 07, 2006 4:23 pm    Post subject: I think with all the movie-style misadventures that have been going on, it would be fun to have him pull off an unlikely, one-off heroic stunt without even thinking about it, and go into shock later about how dangerous it was. My suggestion is that he answer: "Err... because your gun is the wrong way around?" Then when the ghoul involuntarily looks down at the gun, Lenny snatches the gun out of its hand and runs away with Alia, the gun and the remote. _________________ Duke Reg Completed SGs: Tempting Fate Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon May 08, 2006 5:53 am    Post subject: When all else fails, deny everything and make counter-accusations. Explain that you weren’t stealing anything, merely liberating the remote that someone had stolen in the first place. Find a likely looking device, and tell the ghoul that you’ll either take this with you, or you’ll raise an alarm that he was the thief that made the other remote go missing in the first place. _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon May 08, 2006 6:49 am    Post subject: Ask how much it is? He has a silver bullet or two left doesn't he? Maybe that can pay for it. Otherwise. What they /\ said. Oh, and nice chapter Stoately. _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon May 08, 2006 7:46 am    Post subject: "Well, you see the thing about that is..." Lenny pondered for a moment. Guns were not usually endearing to one's sense of self, and he had to supress the urge to dampen his trousers. "This... the Lady... I'm getting it for her! You know the Lady right? Everybody knows the Lady! You.... you can come with me if you like, make sure I don't run off with the remote to start some war in Asia..." The ghoul cut him off with a threatening wave of the silver tube. "I don't care if you use it to castrate Chuck Norris, you aint leavin without payin!" Lenny gulped and then Alia piped up "Why Mr Ghoul, that's quite an impressive tube you have there... do you mind if I have a quick...." Alia strides forward, the goul is entranced. She snatches the gun away and grabs Lenny's arm "RUN!" Yanking him forward with the ferocity of a schoolgirl tanked up on Mountain Dew and Heat magazines, they sprint away down the dark corridor behind the ghoul, Alia laughing menacingly as they went. What is it about girls and guns? Lenny though exasperatedly" _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Last edited by Solomon Birch on Mon May 08, 2006 12:57 pm; edited 1 time in total Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon May 08, 2006 7:47 am    Post subject: Very entertaining, Soily Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon May 08, 2006 11:59 am    Post subject: Even if you did spell ghoul wrong every time... _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Idea master Magus Extraordinaire Joined: 10 May 2004 Posts: 1787 Location: Sneaking Idearium into your beverages. Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon May 08, 2006 1:23 pm    Post subject: Lenny thought quickly. He still had some of his 'holy' water and silver equipment, maybe that would harm these ghouls enough to let them pass by. How he could get it into their faces would be a problem, though. "Distract it!" Lenny hissed at Alia. "What?" She hissed back. "Just distract it!" Alia walked up to the ghoul. "Don't you see that he's with Blind Date? I'm very certian that the show will recompense you for any losses, all you have to do is mention it to them. They'll probably reward you with all sorts of wonderful things, beautiful women, exotic foods..." As Alia was talking to the ghoul, Lenny had managed to reach a vial of holy water. Alia had a way of talking, or maybe it was the way her chest moved when she walked, that made you drift off without paying any attention anymore. I leave it to you as to if the ghoul accepts the offer or not, and if Lenny throws the vial. ...And soily one? How would they know about Chuck Norris anyways? And let's not mention that person any longer, please. _________________ ...So I've been summoned back from beyond the veil. ...No plans yet. Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon May 08, 2006 1:34 pm    Post subject: Everyone's heard of Chuck Norris. Everyone. He is God, Satan and McDonalds all rolled into one. _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon May 08, 2006 9:35 pm    Post subject: Awesome chapter - most entertaining. The boyfriend tunnel was very funny. Some good ideas from folks - paying with silver bullet, or distracting with Alia and snatching the gun. He could try accusing the ghoul of causing the remote war in the first place - stealing all the remotes so that the war continues. Why else and where else would the gifte-shoppe have so many remotes! But that could just be answered with, "So? What you gonna do about it." So I go for getting the ghoul closer with offer of silver bullet payment and then the whole Alia gun-stealing and running action. Happy Writing _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue May 09, 2006 11:52 am    Post subject: Poll's up for 3 days. Have fun folks Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue May 09, 2006 11:53 am    Post subject: Voted! :biggrin: *holds breath* _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue May 09, 2006 12:10 pm    Post subject: I've been swayed by the Live Broadcast option - I think we should take advantage of the camera to fool the Ghoul. Happy Writing _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue May 09, 2006 2:29 pm    Post subject: Woo - people like my suggestion (ok, person), and I voted for it as well to create a tie. That's the broadcast one incae you were wondering. _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri May 12, 2006 10:37 am    Post subject: Right. Thanks to all who voted. We have: Pretend it's a live broadcast and pretend you have managerial consent as our winning option. I shall write until my fingers burn! (Or until I forget, whichever comes first) Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun May 14, 2006 10:58 am    Post subject: CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR: Too Good To Be True? Lenny looked desperately around. There had to be something somewhere! What could he use to turn the tables on a ghoul with a gun? Well, there was his sword, of course. And his whip, his dagger, his slingshot, his disintegrator pistol, and about half a dozen other completely deadly weapons. Completely useless as well, since they were safely tucked away in sheaths or on belt loops. Suddenly, his eye fixed on one of the floating-orb cameras and he got the inkling of an idea. “There’s a reason,” he said, pointing at the camera. “You wouldn’t want to ruin your free publicity, would you?” The ghoul’s eyes twitched toward the orb, then back to Lenny again. “What are you talking about, thief?” it snarled. “We’re doing a live broadcast,” he said, improvising madly. “It’s… uhh… Most Haunted – Intergalactic Edition.” The ghoul leaned against the banister, shadows deepening in its face as it frowned. “Why wasn’t I told anything about this?” it demanded. “And why are you trying to walk off with a remote control?” “I think you’ll find the Manager has given full permission!” Lenny began to sweat. “And… I was determining if electronic equipment worked properly down here, or if it went haywire with all the ghostly activity.” “The manager has given permission, hmm?” The ghoul’s voice hissed. “Now, that’s a surprise to me… because I am the Manager. And you, thief, are busted!” The slim tube began to glow slightly, as if it were powering up. Lenny heard a high-pitched whimper and realised with some embarrassment that it was from his own throat. “Wait!” said Alia. “Perhaps we can make a trade for it?” “If you’d wanted to trade for it, you would have gone upstairs and paid like everyone else,” snapped the Manager, holding the gun steady as it glowed an ever-darker shade of blue. “However…” and here the tube began to fade to a duller shade of blue again, “I suppose you could have a point.” Lenny and Alia swapped a relieved glance. It was short-lived. “I might as well make some profit out of the deal,” continued the ghoul, stepping down another step toward them. “Empty out your equipment and your pockets. I don’t see why your valuables should fry when I disintegrate you.” Lenny gulped as he brought his hands towards his pockets. Perhaps if he could grab his blaster at the last minute, he might be able to… “Don’t even think about it, burglar-boy,” warned the ghoul in a menacing voice. “Nice, slow movements or…” A beam of non-light shot out from the tube in its scabrous hand. Although it passed to his left by nearly a foot, Lenny could feel the intense cold numbing his arm. As it hit the box behind him, the entire box ceased to be, in less than a second. All that was left was a purple glow, and a moment later, even that was gone. Lenny licked his lips, nervously. His mind cycled rapidly through the options for survival – and found none. If only the ghoul would move closer, he could kick the gun from its grasp. If only there was a distraction, he could grab Alia and run. But it didn’t… and there wasn’t… and he couldn’t! The best he could hope for was to keep the gun from going off for a few more minutes. Careful to keep his movements slow and steady, he began to search his pockets for any items of worth. There was nothing, of course. No money, no hidden daggers, no pixie-dust that he could use to wish himself out of here! Only the weapons on his belt, which he unclipped one by one, as slowly as he could manage it. Beside him, he could see Alia doing the same. The bodice and the trousers were tight and virtually pocketless but, from somewhere, she managed to produce a black purse. It was anyone’s guess where she had been hiding it, although that particular guessing-game filled Lenny’s head with thoughts entirely inappropriate to the current situation! Suddenly, peering into her purse, Alia let out a shaky laugh. Immediately, the ghoul’s gun swung around to point straight at her. “What’s so funny, thief?” it spat. Alia held up a piece of paper, moving slowly so as not to antagonise the ghoul. “I was kidnapped by the Lady’s minions earlier today,” she said, smiling. “To make up for the inconvenience to me, the Lady gave me a free voucher… for anything I wanted from the Gifte Shoppe.” “A gift voucher?” snarled the ghoul. “Let me see! Come to the bottom of the stairs.” Alia walked forward slowly, holding the coupon at arm’s length. The ghoul drifted down the stairs, still looking suspicious. As soon as he came within range, it snatched the paper, gesturing for her to back off, which she did. It glanced down at the paper. Immediately, its expression cleared. “Well, why didn’t you say so?” it said, dropping the muzzle of the gun towards the floor. “That will do nicely.” Alia and Lenny grinned foolishly at each other. What with the frantic pace of the day, it had been easy to forget about the Lady’s gift to Alia. They had simply got lucky. Then again, it was about time some luck came their way, thought Lenny, relieved. The rest of the day had more than made up for one little piece of good fortune! “Now,” said the ghoul, pleasantly, “Get up those stairs and out of my shop before I change my mind.” They didn’t need telling twice. The two of them scurried up past the Manager and out of the Gifte Shoppe (bypassing all manner of ghost-mugs, screaming photographs and cheap clothing which read: I went to the Haunted Manor and all I got was impaled on a stake, fed zombie-venom, bitten by a werewolf and this lousy T-shirt!). It was a surprisingly short walk back to the front hallway from there. They faced the original sign-board, aware that light and time were fading fast. “The Lady?” asked Alia, bestowing a proud look on Lenny. He grinned back. “The Lady.” Together, they climbed the stairs. It seemed that they were expected. The moment that they reached the top, a bulky shadow creature separated itself from the walls and herded the two of them down the corridor. Hoping that they were headed in the right direction, Lenny and Alia strode ahead, looking nervously over their shoulders from time to time. Finally, the shadow-troll stopped them outside a golden door with dusky-pink edging. “That has to be it,” said Alia, with a quirk to her lips. She raised her hand and rapped smartly on the door. The shadow-creature sank back into the walls as a dark man with startlingly green eyes opened the door. He stared down his long nose at them. “Yes?” “Err… we’re here to see the Lady?” tried Lenny. Then, when that elicited no reaction, he waved the remote control. “With a gift.” The man’s expression darkened and Lenny gulped. Then, without another word, he opened the door and stood aside to let them enter. The Lady was face-down on her satin bed, getting an oil massage from one of her minions. “Mmm?” she said, in a vaguely enquiring tone. Lenny opened and closed his mouth, but the words failed to come. Thankfully, Alia took control. “We have returned, Lady,” she said, in her sweet voice. “Lenny has brought you the second remote control. Can we regard his bargain as fulfilled?” There were some vague mumblings from the Lady. The dark man translated. “She says ‘Is it compatible?’” Stomach turning over, Lenny pointed the remote control at the viewing screen and pressed a button or two. At first, it seemed that nothing was going to happen. Then, with a wondrous spark, the screen came to life. The screen showed a jabbering humanoid, being suspended over a pit of boiling lava. Another gameshow, no doubt. The Lady turned her head and favoured the pair with a smile. Then, dismissing the masseur, she slowly sat up and fixed a smouldering glance on the dark man. “It seems you’ve completed your task, Mr. Cludge,” she said, without breaking eye contact with her green-eyed guest. “Looks like you lose another bet, Elias.” He nodded, glowering. “Indeed.” The Lady’s moustache turned upward in a sly smile. “You know what that means? I get to choose the game tonight.” “Shall we go?” murmured Alia, delicately. Lenny nodded, fervently. The two of them hurried out. “In that case, I say we play ‘Naughty....’” Lenny got the door shut just in time to drown out that particular nightmare. Together, he and Alia walked, hand in hand, away from the Lady’s Boudoir and down the stairs again. As they reached the bottom, they were hardly surprised at all to see their original guide waiting for them. “Time to go,” said the fake werewolf, adjusting his phoney ears to the right angle again. They looked at each other and shrugged. There seemed little else to stay for, and both were relieved to have lived through a whole date with each other. As the sun began to set, they stepped outside and began to travel down the graveyard path again. To their surprise, a pair of shuttles were waiting for them at the other side of the cemetery. Lenny looked at Alia in confusion. “I thought we travelled by light-beam these days?” he asked. “On the way there,” she giggled. “The Show likes to allow its contestants a little… relaxation time… on the way back.” There was a question in her words. Lenny found himself grinning. The werewolf made the question official. “So,” he leered, “will you be taking separate shuttles – or crowding into the same one?” “Well, Lenny?” she asked, smiling. “Uhh… I’m for sharing – if you are,” he said, adding the last few words hastily. Leaning over, she kissed him full on the lips. Then, as he was still dazed from her response, she took his hand and led him onto the smaller of the two shuttles. The door closed behind them… ------------ Some Time Later… Lenny lay, basking in the heat from Alia’s body, under sweat-soaked sheets. He could still barely believe it. To be so lucky – on a show with such a high failure rate! Not to mention a high mortality rate! Alia was exquisitely beautiful. She had a good sense of humour. She was intelligent, articulate, strong, resourceful; and what was even more incredible – she actually liked him – and not in a ‘let’s just be friends’ way! It seemed that his curse was finally broken. He was infinitely glad that he had broken out of the mould and chosen Alia over the regular contestants. The idea of sharing a day out with Miss Pompom or the Screaming Diva Demon was laughable. Simply laughable! “What are you smiling at?” Alia’s voice broke him out of his reverie. Lenny started guiltily. It seemed a little inappropriate to be thinking about other females at a time like this. He hastily made something up. “I was just wondering what my friends and family were going to make of you,” he said, leaning over and kissing her again. She giggled, playfully. “Oh yes. The famous Lenny and Xandara Cludge. I might take my autograph book with me for that journey. They’re famous galaxy-wide!” “So I’ve heard,” he said, wryly. “At least my Blind Date experience won’t come as a huge shock to them. They’ll probably spend their time re-living old re-runs with you. So - what about you? Should I expect a war to break out when you return home to introduce me to your family?” Alia kissed him lightly, laughing. “No, silly! They’ll be thrilled. Daddy already approves – you should know that!” A warning bell began to jangle in his mind. It became a full-blown campanology display at her next words. “As soon as he heard you were on the show, he said he was going to match you up with me, if he had to kill every one of your contestants to do it!” “Oh no,” breathed Lenny. “Your father’s – the Producer?” She nodded eagerly. “He’s going to be so glad we’re still together at the end of the date. He’s always saying I should settle down and start being responsible. Get married, have little ones, all the stuff that Fathers always say.” “Besides,” she snuggled close to him, “I’ve always wanted a litter of my own.” Lenny stared blankly at the ceiling. Raising litters? Old Saggyface as a father-in-law? A prospective partner who might grow to look more than a little wrinkly in her old age? It looked like there was going to be trouble ahead. All the more reason to live for the present. The future disasters could be dealt with when they came. For now, he was happy. “C’mere,” he grinned, pulling Alia in closer. They disappeared under the sheets together… THE END Back to top Author Lordy Citizen Joined: 18 Apr 2006 Posts: 116 Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun May 14, 2006 11:24 am    Post subject: Crud! I saw the end before the beginning, now I'm not sure I want to read the rest. Oh well, I'll get to it later. Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun May 14, 2006 11:33 am    Post subject: Well done Stoaty - another one finished. And a wonderful happy..ish ending Woooo _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun May 14, 2006 4:13 pm    Post subject: *wipes a tear away* Beautiful ending Stoaty! Simply beautiful. Congratulations! Another one under the belt! :mrgreen: Now, what have you got planned for us next? Mmm? Looks forward... _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Key King Joined: 08 Feb 2004 Posts: 2652 Location: The Royal Palace Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun May 14, 2006 7:35 pm    Post subject: Well done, your Stoatliness! Back to top Author Solomon Birch Honored Citizen Joined: 22 Nov 2005 Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon May 15, 2006 4:05 am    Post subject: Wonderful! Perfectly wrapped up, and though I'm sure we will all miss it, as has been said before; 'all good things must come to an end', and I think this is true. Another masterpiece in the bag! :biggrin: *holds breath - then remembers that its over* Damn... _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9 Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3 The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3 One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3 Green Eyes - Chapter 5 Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon May 15, 2006 4:47 am    Post subject: Wonderful Stoat! Round two was as satisfying as round one. I'm sure he'll be delighted with his litters and her wrinkles and the special attention his father-in-law bestows on him. Great storygame that's been a blast to play. _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon May 15, 2006 10:21 am    Post subject: Yes, congradulations again Stoat. Now then...about that second sequel... _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon May 15, 2006 10:31 am    Post subject: Not a chance, Lordy! I know when I'm beaten Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon May 15, 2006 10:42 am    Post subject: Surely you want to appease your fan-base? Though you did start that very cool Dragon story, so I suppose we can let you off... But now you have no humour in your life (written by you at any rate). However will you survive? _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Shady Stoat Elder Joined: 02 Oct 2005 Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon May 15, 2006 10:48 am    Post subject: I still have space in my life for a third storygame. One of these weeks, I'll start a new humour one. In the meantime, I'll just have to rely on people like Thracia and Chinaren to put a smirk on my face Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon May 15, 2006 10:53 am    Post subject: *Sighs* Oh well, if you insist on letting it go... _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author DukeReg Citizen Joined: 12 Oct 2005 Posts: 287 Location: Australia Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon May 15, 2006 7:27 pm    Post subject: I add my energetic claps to the thunder of applause from those who got in before me. I like it a lot. Well done Stoat! _________________ Duke Reg Completed SGs: Tempting Fate Back to top Author Mother Goose Respected Citizen Joined: 09 May 2004 Posts: 511 Location: Connecticut Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue May 16, 2006 11:57 am    Post subject: Hurrah for you! Bravo! ¡Olé! Banzai! Prosit! In other words, it was a good story - congratulations! Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri May 26, 2006 3:40 pm    Post subject: Yes, great story. Lenny and his father have been two great adventurers (and very similar ones). _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Display posts from previous: All Posts1 Day7 Days2 Weeks1 Month3 Months6 Months1 Year Oldest FirstNewest First         Storygames Home -> The Archives All times are GMT - 8 Hours Goto page 1, 2, 3 ... 10, 11, 12  Next Page 1 of 12 Jump to: Select a forum Info Street - FAQs and Guides to the City----------------IF Technical Institute and FAQIFquirerWriter's Academy City Central----------------City AuditoriumOpen ForumThe City!The Market BizarreHall of DebateAdvertisement BoardAuditorium ArchivesOpen Forum Archives The Fantasy Forest - Fantasy Storygames----------------Storygames: FantasyMature Fantasy StorygamesThe Children of LeyondIs this Me?The Funny Bone: Jokes and Humorous PicsTempora CrepusculiSparkleStepsFantasy Tales of IF Skiffiville - Science Fiction and Experimental SGs----------------Storygames: Scifi and ExperimentalMature Sci-Fi StorygamesHeavy MetalSymphony's RequiemSector 17Heavy Metal v2 Manor of the Macabre - Horror, Mystery, and Suspense----------------Storygames: Horror, Mystery and SuspenseMature Horror StorygamesThe Hidden Crime Reality Road - General Fiction SGs----------------Storygames - General FictionMature General Fiction Linear Lane - Linear stories, Critiques and writing competitions.----------------Linear DistrictMature Linear TalesLinear LibraryCritique Corner.Writers' ArenaShort Story Avenue Multiverse - CYOA-style Interactive Stories----------------How to create your CYOA Interactive StoryMultiverse Stories Role Player's Den----------------Role Playing Announcements and General InformationMature Role PlayingRole Play Rules and RequestsOne-On-One Role PlaysGroup Role PlaysFan Fiction Role PlaysOut of Character Discussion Threads Word Game Way----------------Fun with words! Artistic Avenue - Poetry and Member Art----------------Poetry PalaceMature PoetryArt GalleryMature Art Gallery Stasis Hall - Completed or archived Storygames----------------The Wheel - The White QueenElection Oct 10The Archer's QuestThe Magician's TouchThe Wheel - The Fish That WalkedRunThe Wheel - The RamThe Wheel - The Machine's DaughterThe Wheel - The Twin PrinceIndelibleTrade WindowsThe 2009 IFYsThe WeatherwardenGrim ReapingEterna FamiliaMayoral Election April 2011The HuntGalleons of the StarsRhapsody in BlueDoors to the TruthWrathBarry the NormalConversations With a Dead FriendBittersweet ReverieElection October 09InterFable Stories - A Vampire's Quest - COMPLETEInterFable Stories - Bushido - COMPLETEInterFable Stories - When Stories Travel TogetherMayoral Election May 2012Election Oct 2011ArenaThe Time BeforeBattle to the End - Start Here!Battle to the End - The Master of Illusion and LightElection March 09Battle to the End - SpellsingerBattle to the End - Yahoo: Mind over MagicElection March 2013A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo LupiTruthseeker - COMPLETEPirates, Vampires, and Ninjas, Oh My!Virtual - COMPLETEFinite Cosmos - COMPLETESheerluck Holmes - COMPLETESojourner's Journey - COMPLETEAbduction!Beyond the Horn - COMPLETEShadows of the MindIFY Awards 2007Good vs Evil vs money!Heroes Never PanicNo Good Deed...Tired of Death - COMPLETEThe Greatest Fantasy Story EverPillboxDear Dotty.First against the WallScrapyard - On holdLords and LadiesFabled Island - COMPLETEConfession Box - COMPLETEUnderdark - COMPLETEA Glass Friendship - COMPLETEElection Oct 08ElvendorAvarice - COMPLETEVengeance - COMPLETEThe Dark - COMPLETEThe Endless WallTo Pass a TorchRise of ShadowsThe ArchivesThe IFY 2006 ArchiveElection Apr 08Election Oct 07Election Apr 07Election Oct 06Election Apr 06The Vault  You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum

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