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Solomon Birch Honored Citizen
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Posted: Mon May 29, 2006 1:40 am Post subject: Linear story competition for June |
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Time for May’s competition:
You will have about 3 weeks to write a short story, edit it, and post it for consideration. Post entries before or on June 18th. Polling begins June 20th and ends June 25th.
Proof readers will take your story, break it down, make sure it fits the word limit, grammar, spelling, plot, character development, etc. are all present and correct.
You can make changes to your story all the way up to the final posting date. After that, the stories that have not passed the critique will be disqualified. Those that are left will be put up for a vote for anyone to vote on.
If you win, you get to brag for a whole month, have your story immortalized in the City Auditorium, and earn a Fable reward in recognition from our Mayor.
This will be run like a professional writing contest. Your story will be edited, picked apart, and thoroughly looked at. If you exceed more than ten spelling or grammar errors, your story will be given back to you to rewrite. So check your work.
If your work goes over the word limit it will be given back to shorten. If it remains the same length it will be disqualified.
If your story does not follow the topic and genre, it will be given back to you to rewrite.
Things that must be right vs. artistic freedom- There are things like plot, and flow that might be your intent. That is totally cool. A proof reader might suggest that you pick up the pace or add more detail here and there. That is your choice to do or not. If you feel the story can stand on its own without change that is fine. Spelling, grammar, genre, word count, etc. are expected to be correct, no exceptions.
If you are proofreading- Look for spelling and grammar mistakes first. Word count comes next. Then answer the following questions for the story.
Did it stay within the genre?
Did it follow the topic?
Did it have a beginning, middle, and an end?
After you have done this feel free to comment on the story as you see fit. Bear in mind that anything beyond what is listed above is pretty much considered opinion. This can be taken or left by the author.
The genre and topic for this month:
Word Limit: 2000 words;
Genre: Anything you want;
Topic: Planning a dinner party is hard. Especially when the hosts are [insert something crazily original here].
Must include silly hats and a drunken brawl. Or, if you want to avoid humor, gruesome hats. Or something of the equivalent.
Let's get those entries in and have fun! ![Very Happy](images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif) _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot
Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here
The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9
Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3
The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3
One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3
Green Eyes - Chapter 5
Last edited by Solomon Birch on Tue Jun 20, 2006 2:53 am; edited 3 times in total
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Phang Elder
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Posted: Mon May 29, 2006 11:54 am Post subject: |
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Hurrah for holidays! I'm getting something done.
Still has a few bugs…
Dr. Zlake was exhausted, but also greatly relieved. It had taken him all night, but he had managed to incorporate all the perks and problems that came with these guests. Now, all he had to do was wait…and hope nothing else went wrong. If it did, he might just scream.
Late evening came, and the guests entered through the portal, aided by their image regenerators. If you looked closely enough, you saw that their feet only glided over the floor, mere millimetres away. These were holograms – the ridiculous children’s party hats they wore beamed out light to maintain the being underneath them.
The first guests were the members of IF, their physical manifestations generated from descriptions ripped from images and the traditional rping forum. A small orange fluff ball waddled in, topped by a hat the same luminous colour. Next were the two demons – one a huge, purple and red beast with scales that had grown into thousands of long blades along its body; the other a more slender and tall creature, black as the deep nighttime ocean and completely naked. Zlake checked the notes again – it looked as if Phang and Lordy had been mixed up at little. He just hoped it was only physical or things would get very problematic in ways he was sure his wife wouldn’t approve of. And, of course, Chinaren had definitely too much fur. He looked like a basketball taking anti-baldness drugs.
The other IFian guests were less problematic – Storm was bristling and crackling with lightning bolts, but that was put down to her finally relenting to a little experimentation with her choice of magical weaponry. And Key’s king chess piece was the latest fashion. No, it wasn’t moulded to his head at all, don’t worry.
Next were a group of images gone horrifically wrong – including, but not limited to, a blue blob that had once been partially human, a vampire with angel wings and a horse’s head, and a…a thing which defied description – and appropriate phrase in a way, for it later turned out that this beast was a combination of Nemesis, a zebra, a leopard and some really sick porn images (Zlake was reminded of his mate’s DVD collection).
Everything that could have gone wrong, had, it seemed so far. Zlake wearily invited in guest after deformed guest, making notes of the combinations in a vain hope that he could find the secret to correcting such problems completely – he had been the host of the ‘Dinner Party’ test program since last year. Eventually came the part he had been dreading – the group of beast he was certain had been included just to torture the dinner party host.
Huge insectoid beasts stalked and stomped into the hallway. Ugly, human-ish faces on some, dragon-like features on others, and one was competing with the animal-alien-porno-monster for the Grounds for Divorce award. It was a huge monster of a thing, the type of beast that made emotionless psychopaths wet their beds – it could tear apart tanks with its jaws, crush houses with its feet, and worse, on the end of its tail was a giant phallus with a mind of its own – literally – and topped with a tasselled paper crown. Zlake shuddered as he greeted the beast, and it stomped towards the dining table in a huff, followed by swarms of its chattering little children, all armed with tentacles.
*~*~*
The ‘guests’ were still enjoying the drinks available – and Zlake was doing his best to restrain certain members from enjoying those serving the drinks too. But this setting was programmed to reality – and naturally, after a while, people began to get drunk.
And naturally, with the abundance of supernatural beasts and pornographic creations, the increasingly slurred conversation drifted towards things Zlake did not particularly want to hear – besides, he’d heard it all already. This always happened, every time…
He nipped off quickly to the toilet as the fight broke out. From upstairs he heard the yells and smashes, the bellowed drunken arguments between the morally right apparitions and the bugs. When all became silent, he tentatively made his way downstairs.
The scene was familiar to him. The guests lying strewn across the floor in a drunken stupor, the idiotic hats still stuck irremovably to their heads and various other parts of the anatomy. The table split in two, food and the mysterious liquid spewed by the porno monster smeared across it. And next to the fire, curled up like a cat, the huge insect that started it all, completely content amongst the chaos it had caused.
The scene collapsed away into nothingness, and Dr. Zlake awoke to the dreary laboratory room. As the assistants helped him out of the virtual gear, the head of the experiment asked him how it had gone – though, of course, he had seen it all on the monitors.
“Just a few more bugs.” Zlake said, aware of the irony in his wording. “Maybe a little more detailed separation rules.” _________________ Stuff here
Da Huuuuub
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Solomon Birch Honored Citizen
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Posted: Mon May 29, 2006 12:31 pm Post subject: |
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Blimey! That was certainly random! Good entry Phang! ![Very Happy](images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif) _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot
Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here
The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9
Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3
The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3
One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3
Green Eyes - Chapter 5
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ninja baloon Guest
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Posted: Mon May 29, 2006 4:16 pm Post subject: |
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Having a dinner party with all of the worlds super heroes and super villains seemed like a good idea at the time. Everyone was given a hat according to there skills and powers when they came out to the garden. However when it came to them actually all meeting up, it didn't matter if you where good or evil. All the heroes where very competitive. The only ones that got along where the sidekicks and they where busy organising rebellion against there masters.
The heroes and villains came on the condition that they wouldn't try to kill one and other. That didn't stop them trying to show off to each other. The first to instigate the anarchy was Godzilla.
When Godzilla found out there wasn't any cake he started jumping up and down like a lunatic. He kicked Superman in the face and nearly crushed Batman. Batman wasn't having this so he decided to started pelting Godzilla with Baterangs. This was a bad idea as this didn't damage Godzilla but just enraged him.
What Godzilla didn't expect was Michael Jordan to pop out and start doing air jorditsu on Godzilla's face. While Godzilla was being dazzled by Michaels super fast martial arts Freddie Mercury came from nowhere and started playing "We are the Champions" at a volume that would even match that of "The Who". Michael Jordan spun around in ear defening surprise to meet the bone rattling guitar solo of "Bohemian Rapsody". Michael's entire skeleton was shook out of his body and he was left as flashy mass with only enough cartlidge left in his arm to dribble a basket ball.
Batman and his batmobile ran over Freddie Mercury and the rest of the band from Queen while inadvertently driving Michael Jordan's skeleton back into his body. Michael got up with fury in his eyes and tried to finish what he started on Godzilla when suddenly Bruce Lee fly kicked him in the back of the head. Bruce Lee had Michael pinned to the ground and was busy stomping on his head. George Washington for some reason had been ressurected and givin a bazooka and a combat knife. George washington open fired upon Batman and sent Batman into oblivion.
The power rangers then tried to lay down some order in the chaos but Godzilla just ate them. George Washington then attempted to pole vault onto Godzilla's face but tripped and missed because of the distraction of Lara Crofts... Ponytail. Bruce Lee done a backward summersault off of Michaels face and collided with George mid flight. They both landed in a tribe of cannibal telletubbies.
Suddenly a choir of angels sang out and a thousand doves flew into the air. It was Chuck Norris. He ran up and round-house kicked Indiana Jones in the face. He then crushed Gandalfs head inbetween his thighs before reinventing the colour spectrum (except from pink... Tom Cruise invented pink), losing his virginity before his father and doing a backwards double triple whammy flip side corkskrew summersault off the diving platfrom that was mysteriously there. Although Monty Pythons Black Knight did bite his ankle and Chuck died from infection.
Some guy called Mr.Rodgers decapitated Superman with a butter knife. Super Mario was throttling Sonic the Hedghog while the S.R.S (Sidekick Rebbelion Squad) first struck. Luigi broke Mario's nose, Tails cut off Sonic's feet, an evil looking fluffy white cat attacked Dr.Evil and Robin gathered Batman's remains and started beating people with them.
Mr.Rodgers lay waste to them all. He wore his green blood-stained sweater proudly and commited hari-kari (Japanese suicide). I just sighed and finished my tea. I got out the broom and started tidying. What a mess...
Last edited by ninja baloon on Mon May 29, 2006 4:26 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Solomon Birch Honored Citizen
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Posted: Mon May 29, 2006 4:27 pm Post subject: |
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Yeah, Naloon, couldn't you come up with something yourself? ![Confused](images/smiles/icon_confusedwarped.gif) _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot
Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here
The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9
Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3
The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3
One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3
Green Eyes - Chapter 5
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ninja baloon Guest
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Posted: Mon May 29, 2006 4:33 pm Post subject: |
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Lol I know. What the hell I was bored.
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Shady Stoat Elder
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Joined: 02 Oct 2005
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Posted: Sat Jun 03, 2006 5:19 am Post subject: |
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A Family Occasion
Lyn looked at her reflection in the mirror and sighed. There was little in this world that she enjoyed less than a dinner-party. A dinner-party hosted by complete strangers, however, qualified. And, as if that wasn’t bad enough, the hosts were…
She shuddered, unable even to think a completion to that sentence.
“Mother! Are you ready?”
Her daughter appeared behind her in the mirror. She paced back and forth, twitching with nervous energy.
“I’m nearly there,” said Lyn, unenthusiastically. “You should go and change too, Kes. The transport will be here in a few minutes.”
Kes laughed, flinging herself onto the bed.
“Oh mother,” she rebuked. “I am ready!”
“Oh no! You’re not going like that?” Her mother turned around, petulantly. “I’ve told you before about those tight outfits and that ridiculous hair! They make you look like a…”
Kes rolled her eyes, dismissively. “Like a what, mother? Everyone wears this sort of thing these days. You’re so old-fashioned!”
And that, it seemed, was that. Lyn released a deep, frustrated breath. She loved her daughter like… well, like a daughter. Sometimes, though, she wished that Kes had never gone to college. She was so – different – these days. So ethnic, so modern, so full of ideas that broke with every conceivable family tradition.
Before this, she had been such a sweet, placid child. It had all changed when she had met that boy! Not that Lyn was prejudiced or anything. No – everyone had a right to an education, everyone had a right to be happy. It was just that… certain combinations were never meant to mix. It would all come to grief in the end, she just knew it.
Now they wanted to get married! How was that going to work? They had nothing in common, yet still they made lovey-dovey eyes at each other when together and spoke almost constantly when apart.
And, worst of all, Kes wanted her parents to meet his parents, so that they could all make wedding plans together. As if they were all just one big happy family. Her face crinkled with disapproval as she thought of a whole evening in the company of those backward barbarians. It was bound to be a living hell.
Her expression must have been readable, because Kes put on a warning tone.
“Now Mother – you’re not going to make a fuss again, are you?” she said. “Do it for me. Please. And remember, make allowances for Steve’s family. After all, they’re only humans.”
As she followed her daughter out to the transport shuttle, Alyndrakfrgle’s tentacles waved distractedly.
Only humans. A dinner-party, hosted by those meat-eating dough-skinned savages! Ah, the sacrifices one made for one’s family!
-------------
The shuttle picked Kesnworlipnk’s brood-father up on the way to the dinner. Lyn was dismayed, but hardly surprised, to hear his views on the subject.
“You organise the wedding,” he grunted. “I’m just there for the food.”
She could get little more out of him. When they finally arrived at their destination (with its horrid green lawn that looked like a hatching nest of ftang-beasts), she knew it would be up to her to smile and be pleasant for the sake of her daughter.
The smile parodied into a grimace as Steve’s mother opened the door and gushed out her welcome.
“Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Tarrhgni… Tarrihag… Tarrhnigli…” The human paused, tittering nervously. “I never could get the hang of these foreign names.”
‘That’s because you have a brain the size of a sarrak-nut,’ thought Lyn, uncharitably. Aloud, she said only: “Good evening, Mr. and Mrs… Smith. Good evening… Steve.”
“Hi. Mrs T,” he grinned. “Come and sit down, dinner’s almost ready. Hello sweetie.”
The two youngsters shared a rather squirmy kiss, with just a little too much hand and tentacle action for anyone else's comfort. From the look of the four surrounding faces, it was probably a good job that they hadn’t eaten yet.
Going into the dining room, they sat down. “Drinks, anyone?” asked Mr. Smith, waving a dark bottle around.
Buzz, Lyn’s brood-husband, pulled a face. “That yeast drink of yours? Disgusting stuff. Take it away.”
Mr. Smith’s face fell. Steve and Kes began their efforts to warm the frigid atmosphere.
“Hope you enjoy the meal, Mr. and Mrs. T,” said Steve with every attempt at enthusiasm. “Mum’s been slaving all day to prepare it. Don’t worry – I told her you don’t eat meat. No roast beef and all the trimmings for you lot.”
“I’m sure it’ll be great,” said Kes, brightly. “It’s so nice of you to invite us. Isn’t it, Mother? Father?”
Lyn nodded curtly, Buzz merely grunted. She was relieved from the duty of having to say something untrue by the arrival of the starter course.
“I hope you like it,” beamed Mrs. Smith, laying down the plates before them. “When I heard you didn’t eat meat, I went straight down to the fish shop. My next door neighbour is a veggie too, and she swears by this!”
Lyn looked down at her plate with horror. “What… is it?” she choked.
“Calamari.” The woman looked hopelessly eager to please, like the last mrig-cub in the pet store. “It’s fresh?”
Even Kes looked revolted. Apparently, her university education hadn’t hardened her to the notion of being served dead babies on a plate. She pushed the dish gently away and tried to get the conversation back on topic. The Smiths tucked in with every evidence of enjoyment while her parents sat in outraged silence.
“We… uhh… that is, Steve and I,” she said, casting her glance around nervously, “we wondered what you all thought about… having a traditional Earther wedding ceremony?”
“What?” Lyn’s tentacles twitched so hard they almost overbalanced the table. “But I already had the meditation hall booked for your Takrian Ceremony. The steam pools, the soaking chambers. I even had the wedding dress made… you want to give up on all that?”
Kes looked apologetic. “It’s just that… well, Earth ceremonies are so much more fun. You get parties and dancing and…”
“And you get to wear that ridiculous fake human-hair, and uncivilised clothes,” snapped Lyn. “What’s next? Surgery to give you arms instead of tentacles? A third eye removal? I’m beginning to think you’d prefer to be homo sapiens!”
Seeing his own parents beginning to build up a head of steam, Steve shook his head, frantically.
“It’s not like that at all, Mrs. T! Honest it isn’t. But… you see… the thing is, I’ve seen the costumes for your wedding ceremony. They’re lovely – really, they are! It’s just… well, the hats, you see? They’re a bit… uhh… silly,” he finished, wincing.
“Silly?!” This time the calamari did end up on the floor. Lyn reared up on her lower appendages, turning a dull puce with indignation. “Silly?! I’ll have you know…”
“Mother – sit down!” Kes said, sternly. “Surely you can understand that our hats aren't built with people like Steve in mind? They're almost as tall as he is and then you've got all the tentacles to deal with! They're just too heavy. I don't want a husband with neck injuries on his wedding night. Besides, Steve says he doesn't want his wedding photos to come out looking like Sideshow Bob – whoever he is. Now, if you still want me to go for a traditional service on our world, then you’ll have to make some compromises. Should we discuss it over the main course?”
“Err…” Steve said, seeing Lobster Salad as being a disaster in the making, “…how about we skip straight to the dessert?”
“Yes, let’s,” muttered Lyn, wanting the meal finished as soon as… humanly… possible.
When Mrs. Smith brought forth a succulent mocha-cake, the air of relief was palpable. Even Lyn could find nothing to complain about as the smooth mousse sponge slid down her throat.
“Mmm…” she purred (a difficult manoeuvre for an octopus-based life-form at the best of times!). “Delicious. What do you call this?”
“Tiramisu,” smiled their host, finally relaxing in the knowledge that she had done at least one thing right.
“W’nderf’l,” grunted Buzz, his mouth full and stained brown. “C’n I have s’me more?”
----------
By the end of the second slice, the party was flowing smoothly. The Smiths began to notice some startling changes in their guests. The squid-creatures were almost unrecognisably relaxed, slumping down in their chairs with glaze-eyed expressions. They were singing the praises of her store-bought dessert, giggling and mumbling and acting like teenagers on their first bottle of cider.
It was hard to point fingers though, thought Mrs. Smith, head spinning slightly. She and her husband had been pouring freely from the table wine, ever since these stuck-up squids had arrived. Her husband was positively garrulous by now, leaning over and whispering in what was, presumably, Lyn’s ear.
In fact, they were looking a little too friendly, if anything!
She looked to her son for support, but he was lost in a game of under-table tentacle-hockey with his girlfriend. Then she felt something clammy brushing against her leg. She froze for an instant, then looked over to Buzz on her left. His mouth leered and he tipped a wink at her with two of his eyes. His tentacle slid higher up her thigh and, instinctively, she leapt back from the table, pulling her skirt back down.
A drunken roar came from across the table.
“Hey you! That’s my wife!”
Without warning, Mr. Smith launched himself at the squid-man, knocking over half the contents of the table as he went. Kes screamed and ran into the fracas, half-throttling Mr. Smith. Steve followed, making it a jumbled heap of four. It was inevitable, then, that the two mothers would try to break things up. A stray elbow to the midriff put paid to Lyn’s peace attempts and a misdirected slap from Kes infuriated Mrs. Smith beyond reason.
Blows were traded, bites were dealt, scratches were scratched… and it all got a bit hazy at that point. Who kissed who first? Which hand slid over squid-skin with anything but the attempt to maim? Nobody would ever know.
-----------
When Lyn woke up in the morning, it was with a sense of utmost horror. She was flat out on the couch, with Mr. Smith draped over her, and half a slice of tiramisu melting between them.
She scrambled up, only to fall over Buzz, who was stark naked and using Mrs. Smith’s breasts as a pillow. The two youngsters had apparently been more discreet, but no less driven. Items of clothing were scattered all the way up the stairs and the sound of satiated snoring was coming from Steve’s bedroom.
Enough was enough! Hangovers or not, it was time to leave! Twenty minutes later, after the obligatory snatching-on of clothes, showering off the worst of the mess (although there were some stains that were never going to come off!) and throwing up half-digested Tiramisu, Kes’s parents were backing nervously down the hallway towards their escape route.
“Uhh…” said Mrs. Smith, staring at the carpet.
“Well, it’s all been…” Lyn’s voice trailed off as the words ran dry. Blushing, she glanced at the door handle, as if willing it to open itself.
Mr. Smith was busy glaring at Buzz, who was busy ignoring her as he stared at Mrs. Smith’s cleavage. Lyn finally noticed and began to drag him backward by the tentacles. Their daughter trailed behind them, delightfully unaware of the glowing-hot atmosphere in the Smith’s cramped hallway.
“Bye, Steve!” called Kes, cheerfully. “Bye, Mr. and Mrs. Smith! Sorry we didn’t get more of the wedding planned. Tell you what – how about we do the same tomorrow night? You can come to our place this time!”
There was the quadruple thud of four bodies fainting simultaneously.
Kes, confused, turned to Steve.
“What did I say?”
Last edited by Shady Stoat on Sun Jun 18, 2006 11:32 am; edited 3 times in total
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Solomon Birch Honored Citizen
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends
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Posted: Sat Jun 03, 2006 7:25 am Post subject: |
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LMAO!
Wonderful entry Stoat! I want to see something try and top that! :biggrin: _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot
Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here
The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9
Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3
The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3
One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3
Green Eyes - Chapter 5
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Nate Z Guest
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Posted: Sat Jun 03, 2006 12:34 pm Post subject: Here is my submission |
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well here goes my attempt, it still can be fixed up i think.
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The Rich Man And His Guests
“So you say that these guests have hats made from yak fur with dog ears attached?”, Mr. Stabler paused for a moment to formulate the correct response and he finally managed to reply. “Yes, the yak fur makes up a nine bands which signifies Genghis Khans signature symbol, the dog ears represent the
great grand father of the entire group who is coming who made some sort of weird deal with a dog”, the young man looked at her flunky (or Butler as the conservatives like to call it) and burst out laughing.... “ahahahaha, you can’t be serious that THESE kooks are the people visiting MY mansion
as part of my *Diversity Day* dinner”... A few seconds passed and the mans look changed from a grin to a frown.
“Ahhhhhhhhhhh”- crack the butler was tossed out the ballroom window by the very angry and very smooth... silky smooth regenerist heir to the Alafeefo mansion.(Olay shampoo references are meant purely as parody and are not to be confused with the actual *and very stupid* commercial airing on the Sci Fi channel). Mr. Stabler brushed off his pants “Damn Blanchismo, I hate having paralyzed his legs while trying to run him over after a
stupid party all those years ago, now MY legs are probably paralyzed too”. Upon seeing a UFP (Un Identified Person) out of the corner of his eye walking up to the mansion, he instantly put on his guard and stopped muttering to himself while calling out to the man, “On who’s authority do you trespass on this property?”.
The man stopped nailing a paper to the door and turned to look at the disgruntled butler before making a witty remark based on the (Stars wars knights of the old republic video game), “On behalf of the Jedi council”. Suddenly out of nowhere a green blade of light sliced through the mans heart and a black caped man shouted from the top of the roof “hooooo There goes haaaaa the last of you hoooo haaaaa”
before using the force to retrieve his lightsaber and leaving.
“Stupid hit & run star wars fanatics...”, the butler walked past the body and looked at the door to see a
notice reading “Ur dad is dead an ur house now belongs to te government all u have left is a pub called “the kakalaka joint”. After seeing this the butler began muttering again for the third point 023 time that day “Oh great... just great”, after going on for an unspecified number of minutes the butler shouted up to the window “Sir, we have a little problem here”....
Chapter 2
A week later rain poured outside the aging pub squeezed in between two office buildings overlooking the city known as “Screwedell city”. Inside a broken hearted and now penniless man sat sobbing on the floor while his uncaring butler cooked the meal for the guests who would be going to the party at the pub instead of the mansion that should rightfully belong to me.... waaaaaaaaaa. The butlers voice hacked through the poorly encrypted waterwall of tears “Oh shaddup!, maybe if you hadn’t hired that idiot to alter your fathers will and been so quick to pay that Boba Fett guy 20 million dollars to kill your dad as well we wouldn’t be in this situation”. The butler turned to look at the helmeted man standing with his arms crossed in behind him, “And NO you will not forcefully extract that miniature safe inside my spine, Fett quickly put away his surgical knife and began thinking off a way to get back at these cheats who made him come all the way to earth.
“Waaaaa snort waaaaa cough cough waaaaa, all my money is gone”. By this time Stabler had taken enough of this endless sobbing and he wacked his master over the head, rendering him senseless for the rest of the night. Suddenly the door slammed open and a whole crowd of people of all species, races, and colors began seating themselves “and their hats, which can talk for some odd reason” at the table.
Boba suddenly drew his blaster and shouted “Yak fur!, me gosh the rarest of all materials!”, Blang blang bling. Red bolts decapitated guests all around the room as the banner with the words Diversity Day Go Kill A Klansman on it was splattered in blood. The shooting was stopped when one of the last survivors quickly explained the rules of bar fights to the reckless bounty hunter. Boba responded “But we don’t have any women here, at least none alive”, the man wearing the purple nine dogs hat replied “You a hole you killed that women who I liked but who never liked me when her I liked!”, The two men swigged down glasses of wine before going into Combat Mode.
Chapter 3
Yak man.. VERSUS.. Boba fett!. Ready fight!. Boba fett pulled out his stun gun and zapped the nine bands guy who in turn picked up a knife lying on the table and threw it at the famed bounty hunter.
“Ukkhhhgggkkhgcccc, You did well”. Yak man WINS.....
Reality set back in and the butler looked at the unconscious, homicidal, and dead people all around the pub and decided to leave before things got rough, Stabler tipped his hat, bowed and ran out the door as fast as his legs could carry him...
Chapter 4
“And the moral of the story is son”, the father and son spoke in unison “Never use the stun gun and instead just beat the $#@@ out of your enemies”.
THE END
Written by Nate Z in June of 2006
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Chinaren Hallowed IFian
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Posted: Sat Jun 03, 2006 3:12 pm Post subject: |
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Damn, I don't have time to read all of these at the moment, let alone write on. I will be back though, I want to enter this one... _________________ Neil Hartley Books.
My Amazon page.
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Solomon Birch Honored Citizen
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Posted: Sun Jun 04, 2006 12:18 pm Post subject: |
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Um.... what? ![Shocked](images/smiles/icon_eek.gif) _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot
Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here
The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9
Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3
The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3
One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3
Green Eyes - Chapter 5
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The Powers That Be Respected Citizen
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Posted: Mon Jun 05, 2006 4:24 pm Post subject: |
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All right, I'll throw my, er, hat in the ring. Apologies to anyone this offends - if there's a hell, I've probably stamped my ticket.
Well hello there! Another late night in the lab, eh? You must be getting ready for your Final Project Defense, am I right? I thought so. I remember back when I had my Defense – hey, don’t look so surprised, didn’t anyone tell you that I used to be a student here at the Culinary Academy? That’s right, and I remember my Defense like it was yesterday.
Back in those days, a Defense was a very formal affair, held in the Chancellor’s private dining room. The senior faculty that made up my project committee were all dressed in their colorful robes and hoods, and we all wore the traditional balloon hats. Ah, I was so proud of that hat – I had three of the finest balloon-hat artisans in the city working on it for weeks. You know, I still have it – in fact, I think I have a picture here of my nephew trying it on. Oh yes, here it is. I bet you’ve never seen one quite like that, eh?
Anyway, in they came, led by the Chairman, Professor Kaga. Next was my advisor, Prof- um, Professor-- I’m sorry, I can’t bring myself to say his name, but his picture’s right up there on the wall behind you, the smug, hidebound, controlling bast-- but I digress.
Professor Kaga started things off: “Will the candidate please step forward? Thank you. Now, you are Mr. Y.H.W.H. Goddard, correct?”
“Yes, sir,” I said. “But I just go by ‘God’ for short.”
“Now then, God, it seems to me that you’ve been at the Academy an unusually long time. It’s been, what, three, three and a half…”
“Four and a half billion years, sir,” I interjected.
A murmur of surprise rippled among the other faculty on my committee. Professor Kaga quickly tried to lighten the mood by saying, “Well, then we’ll be expecting some very mature dishes today. I look forward to it – I get rather tired of drinking Primordial Soup at every Defense!”
I started the meal off very simply, with a salad made from the wide variety of vegetation I’d grown on my project. The responses were about what I expected (and feared). Professor Sakai summed it up when he said, “Well, these plants are certainly quite competently, I daresay even intelligently, designed, and there is quite a wide variety of flavors represented. But I guess I was expecting something a bit more, well, original from you. Now this drink you’ve served with it – what do you call this, ‘wine’ is it? – is quite nice. Yes, I think I’ll have some more of that.”
My advisor opened his big fat – um, chose to comment, as I knew he would. “Professor Sakai, surely you’ll agree that originality is overrated. Master the classics, I always say! Create good solid edible fare, master its preparation, and leave the flamboyant showmanship to others! I’ve spent eons trying to impress this truth on God here, and I’m thrilled to see that he’s finally taken it to heart. Oh, and pass that wine when you’re done, please.”
Professor Sakai seemed ready to argue, but I cut in, introducing the mineral course. Here, I demonstrated my breadth of skills by serving a tapenade made from igneous, metamorphic and sedimentary rocks, topping each serving with a chunk of hardened carbon I called ‘diamond’.
“Mmm, crunchy!” said Professor Cora. She added, “This is all perfectly fine, God – and oh, yes, I’ll have some more of that wine – but I’m really looking forward to your meat dishes. I remember from your first proposal that you had something quite new and different in the works.”
I groaned silently to myself. I was afraid somebody would ask about that. Once again, my advisor stepped in. “Ha ha, my dear Professor Cora, you’re obviously remembering some of those crazy ideas God had when he first came to the Academy. I tried to discourage his…experimentation and get him to focus on the basics, but he refused to listen to reason. It was only after a most unfortunate accident about, what, 60 or 70 million years ago, that God abandoned his notions about nouvelle cuisine and got serious about his food. And his drinks – is there any more of this wine, God?”
Professor Cora looked annoyed. “Surely, Professor, we are in the business of encouraging creativity and originality in our students?”
My advisor’s fist pounded the table, sloshing wine out of some of the glasses. “Professor Cora, the average deity doesn’t care about the newest fashion when he or she goes out to eat. They want the food they know and love, expertly prepared and served! That’s what our job is!” He was yelling and slightly slurring his words, obviously feeling the effects of the wine.
Professors Chen and Flay, who also looked more than a little inebriated, nodded their heads and said, “Damn straight!” Meanwhile, Professors Cora and Sakai were arguing in defense of nouvelle cuisine. The whole thing was getting dangerously close to slipping completely out of control.
I motioned to the servers to bring out the next course. I cleared my throat loudly and said, “The meat-based appetizers, for your dining pleasure!”
That worked. My committee’s attention came back to me, with the exception of Professor Flay, who was still holding a glass of wine but seemed to be dozing off. Several serving dishes were placed on the table with a large bowl in the center.
The faculty inspected the dishes as I described each one. I presented a wide variety of different meats, from sea creatures to land animals to winged beasts. The dishes were served, and the professors ate in silence for a bit.
“Yes, these dishes are all perfectly adequate,” said Professor Cora. Peering into the bowl in the center of the table, she said, “You do seem to have an inordinate fondness for beetles, however. How many different varieties did you say you had raised?”
“Somewhere between 250,000 and 350,000, ma’am. I’ve actually lost count.”
“Ah, beetlesh!” said my advisor. “Now them’sh good eating. That’sh real food there. It was me that urged him to make all those beetlesh, I don’t mind telling you. Each one a little different tasting. Shplendid shtuff! You there, more wine!”
Professor Sakai said, “Yes, it’s all just fine, but I still feel like it’s missing something. What was this experiment you were talking about before? Do we get to try that?”
“I’m happy to shay no!” piped in my advisor. “Dang foolish ideash…”
I ignored him, turned to Professor Sakai, and shook my head sadly. “I’m sorry, sir. I was working on something really special for many eons. They were lizards, but really huge. I called them ‘dinosaurs’. You see, I discovered that the flavor of the meat got better as the animals got bigger. I grew some real monsters and the quality was terrific. I was almost ready to make a Defense based on them when the strangest thing happened. An asteroid came out of nowhere and wiped them out. Wiped out most everything else, too, except some fairly ordinary mammals and plants. I must have miscalculated somewhere, because I’d swear there was no chance that could have happened.”
I cringed at the memory. That asteroid had nearly destroyed me as completely as it had my dinosaurs. It took me millions of years of therapy to get over my depression and get back to work. By that time, there wasn’t much left to work with and I had to choose a fairly conventional route to graduation. That was why they (and I ) were so disappointed in my lack of originality.
I did still have one trick up my sleeve, and this seemed like the time to play it. It was one last-ditch experiment that I’d kept from my advisor, for fear that he would reject it out of hand. “Bring on the main course,” I said. The servers brought out the large steaming plate that would make or break my Defense.
“Oh my,” asked Professor Kaga, “that smells enticing. What is it?”
Here goes nothing. I took a deep breath and said, “It’s called ‘curried Catholics’, sir.” There was a sudden crash as my advisor dropped his wine glass.
“Catholic? I don’t see that on your species list here,” continued Professor Kaga, ignoring my advisor’s spluttering and the servers scrambling to clean up the spill.
“Sorry sir, it’s a special variety of ‘human’,” I answered, grateful to the Chairman for bringing attention back to me and my food.
“Humans, oh yes, those are the ones you made in your own image, right? Well, I think we can all agree that that is a bold move, yes?” He looked from one member of the committee to the next, pointedly ignoring my advisor. “And what’s special about this variety, God?”
“They’re fed on a special diet, sir,” I explained. “Every week, they feed on a bit of my own body and blood. I’ve found that it enhances the flavor and tenderness of the meat.”
At this, the Chairman looked concerned. “God, I hope you’re not saying that you’re force-feeding these creatures – you know our rules about ethical treatment of--”
“Oh no, sir! They most certainly follow this diet by choice. I assure you, these were free-range humans!” I smiled sincerely at the Chairman.
“You!” shouted my advisor, standing and pointing an unsteady finger at me. “You shniveling little shneak! You did thish behind my back – more of your eckshperimentsh – you, you rotten little pipshqueak! ‘Humansh!’ You shaid you were making more bottlesh – er, bootlesh – uh, those buggy thingsh!”
“Professor, please,” said Professor Kaga in his calmest tone. “This is God’s Defense, and the menu selection was his alone.”
My advisor ignored him. “I’ll never shign your project, you shcum, and you’ll never graduate, you hear me?! I don’t believe thish! I thought we were over this when I shent that ashturd – that ashdroid – that big rock and killed thoshe shtupid dino-beashtiesh!”
The smile froze on my face. He must have realized what he said because he started blubbering. “Uh, what I mean ish, um, that ish, er – shay, ish there more wine?”
My body started to shake with rage as I realized what had happened. It wasn’t my mistake – my own advisor had deliberately sabotaged my work! Made me settle for humans when I could have had my glorious dinosaurs! I had to make him pay.
“Mr. Goddard,” said Professor Kaga, “please don’t do anything rash. This is a very serious situ…” He didn’t finish the sentence before I launched myself over the table at my advisor. Plates broke, wine glasses spilled, and the main dish plate overturned, sending Catholic thighs and breasts flying everywhere. I knocked my advisor over and wrapped my hands around his neck. Professor Kaga leaped over and tried to pull me off of him. The rest of the faculty took the opportunity to settle their own differences. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Professor Cora beating Professor Chen with a Catholic drumstick while Professor Flay grabbed handful after handful of beetles and flung them into Professor Sakai’s face. The whole messy scene was punctuated by the bangs of balloon-hats popping (somehow mine came through it unscathed).
It took about 20 minutes for Academy Security to arrive and break things up. Three of the faculty ended up in the hospital. Needless to say, I never graduated.
Anyway, I’d better stop boring you with my old stories – we both have work to do. Don’t look so worried, I’m sure your Defense will go just fine, as long as old you-know-who isn’t on your committee. What’s that? The chair, you say? Oh dear. Well, good luck to you.
Listen, I’ve just finished mopping here, so be careful – the floor will be wet for a little while yet. I’m off to clean the bathrooms next. Hey, good luck again. _________________ Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway!
Got a problem? Write to Dear Dotty!
Last edited by The Powers That Be on Mon Jun 26, 2006 8:51 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Chinaren Hallowed IFian
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Shady Stoat Elder
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Posted: Mon Jun 05, 2006 11:58 pm Post subject: |
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*grins* Wonderful stuff.
Would it be tremendously sick and twisted to say you've made me hungry now?
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Chinaren Hallowed IFian
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Posted: Tue Jun 06, 2006 12:08 am Post subject: |
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Before I go, my entry...
WARNING! Contains adult language.
The heavy rock from upstairs only served to add to the atmosphere. Knowing that Helen was up there with Brad just made it worse. Billy could just imagine her now, smooching with that overgrown turd, at his own Halloween party! The injustice ripped at his insides.
Well, he would have his revenge. He would soon be the one wrapping his tongue around the Helen's tonsils and rubbing his body against her delightful shape, feeling under her…
“Concentrate!” hissed the Sub-Necromancer. Of course his real name was Arthur, but for a ritual of summoning that could hardly be used, oh no, so tonight he was the Sub-Necromancer and Billy was Arch-Summoner.
He pulled his attention back to the task at hand, and read the last line of the old tome they had found in the creepy bookstore. “We need hats.”
“What sort of hat?” asked the Sub-Necromancer.
“Doesn’t say, just that all parties must be wearing a hat, or… ‘…thy spelle will breakest and…’ I can’t make out the rest of the sentence.”
They looked about the basement, er, Chamber of Darkness. “How about these?” said the Sub-Necromancer, waving a couple of large yellow bowls about.
“They will have to do, hurry, it is nearly midnight.”
They donned the Crowns of Night and the Arch-Summoner turned back to the book. He would teach those bullies from college to gate-crash his dinner party. He would have Helen…
>
Brad laughed loudly as he chugged another can of beer. He was on top of the world tonight. The hottest chick in town was molded against his side, there was plenty of free food and drink, courtesy of some high school nerds’ attempt to get in with Helen, and he was looking at a nice private bed for desert. Life was good.
“C’mon Brad, pass her over!” Slime lurched up to him as he slammed the empty beer container on the table.
“Get yer own bitch, this one is mine,” he growled back.
“We are all in one gang, share and share alike, you’ve had your turn, me now.” Slime made a grab for Helen, who squealed and jerked away. Brad’s chair wobbled and fell sidewise, causing him to slide onto the ground.
His birthday hat, perched precariously as it was, slipped to one side.
He staggered upright. “I am the leader here!” he cried, scooping up a cream cake and pushing it into Slime’s face, knocking him back onto the table and into a bowl of Caesar salad.
Slime slid off the table, dragging the bowl of salad with him and pulling it onto his head, where it sat like a hat whilst lettuce stuck to the cake, creating a green haired vegetable hairstyle.
The others around the table laughted cruelly at Slime’s misfortune. Then the lights went out and the music stopped. The laughter turned to a general jeering.
“What’s wrong?” came the voice of Helen next to Brad.
“Don’t fuss it babe, just a blown fuse. C’mon, let’s go find the box.” He dragged her in a random direction, electrical repair the last thing on his mind.
“What was that?” one of the gang said in the gloom.
“How the fuck should I know?” Brad said, annoyed at the distraction. His hand was halfway up Helen’s top and he didn’t appreciate the interruption.
The door to the cellar blew off, spilling blood red-light into the room. Helen and a couple of the other girls screamed.
A figure, silhouetted against the red glow, stepped forth. A small form, apparently wearing a mixing bowl on his head.
“Let. Go. Of. Her.” It rasped.
“Billy?” gasped Helen.
“Billy?” Brad felt alcohol-induced rage fill him. That little shit was trying to muscle in on his night? “Get him!” he screamed.
Snake and Stone stood up, large forms in gang leathers looming high over the smaller figure.
“You tired of living runt?” said one of them.
They stepped forward menacingly, whereupon Billy’s hand shot forward into the nearest one. A dull squelch could be heard and Stone stopped and looked down. The ensuing silence, in which Stone’s rasping breath could clearly be heard, was broken as Billy pulled his hand back and held it up. In his grasp was the still beating, bloody heart of the thug, who fell slowly backward with a crash.
“Holy fuck!” Snake, never the brightest of souls swung a large fist at Billy, who dropped the organ and caught the hand in his own. There was a cracking sound and Snake went to his knees, screaming as the bones in the appendage were reduced to powder.
Billy stepped forward and now Brad could see him more clearly. His face was pale and his eyes totally white.
“Give. Me. The. Girl.”
“Here! Here! Take the slag!” Brad pushed Helen forward and ran up the stairs, frantically fleeing throught the unfamiliar house until he found a closet. He wreched open the door and dived inside, amongst the clothing, heart pounding loudly in his body.
A noise. Footsteps.
“Oh. Brad. Where. Are. You?”
Brad shrank back into the corner. The door swung open with a low creak. He could just about make out two figures standing in the room beyond.
“I. Can. See. You.” An seemingly weedy arm reached inside and dragged him out by his leather jacket’s collar.
He struggled, but to no avail. He saw Billy there, white eyes glaring blindly, holding Helen tightly in his other hand.
Billy pulled the quaking Brad up to his pale face. “Now. Time. To. Die.”
“Nnooooo!!” Brad flailed around, frantically trying to escape the vice like grip of the nerd. He lashed out knocking the bowl on Billy's head askew as he did so. The bowl tilted, sliding slowly to the side. Billy grasped at it with his free hand, but he was too slow. The yellow mixing bowl, following the mandate of Gravity, fell in seemingly slow motion onto the carpet, where it bounced twice before coming to rest next to the bed.
“NO! NOT. THE. HAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa….”
The death grip was released and Brad fell backwards, watching in horror as Billy stood still, his pale face turning even whiter. Deep laughter echoed around the room, seemingly seemingly eminating from the very air around them.
Billy's body crumpled, like an empty plastic bottle with air sucked out of it. Bone cracked, tendons snapped and blood trickled down skin drawn taut. Slowly, Billy collapsed until he was little more than a smear on the carpet.
Brad gagged and then staggered forward to Helen. “What was that?” He wrapped an arm around her. “Babe, are you okay?”
White eyes swung up to look at him and her slim arm curled around his waist. “I. Am. Fine. Brad.”
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Last edited by Chinaren on Mon Jun 12, 2006 10:44 pm; edited 3 times in total
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Solomon Birch Honored Citizen
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Posted: Tue Jun 06, 2006 12:10 am Post subject: |
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I loved it! Marvelous Powers; I'm so pleased you entered my competition with such a good entry. :biggrin:
And...
Damnit, you snuck in there China.
Good entry though, if a bit violent. ![Very Happy](images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif) _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot
Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here
The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9
Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3
The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3
One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3
Green Eyes - Chapter 5
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Shady Stoat Elder
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Posted: Tue Jun 06, 2006 12:41 am Post subject: |
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*grins* The entries are pouring in for this one. Good stuff Chinaren.
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Smee Revered IFian
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Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 5:39 am Post subject: |
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*Winces* Well I do have an entry too, but currently it stands at over 2500 words I don't know that I can get rid of that many, but I'll try later and if so then they'll be another one
EDIT:
first edit see's me at 2398 - I'm going to have to get brutal ![Surprised](images/smiles/icon_surprizedzombie.gif) _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
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The Powers That Be Respected Citizen
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Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 6:36 am Post subject: |
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Good luck with the cutting. I had to cut my first linear story comp. entry from something like 2100 words down to 1500. That was painful. And then Random trashed it for too many sentence fragments. Sigh.
Even if you can't make the limit, go ahead and post it, though! _________________ Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway!
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Smee Revered IFian
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Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 7:56 am Post subject: |
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It was painful...
But here you go.
If anyone tells me the title puts me over I'll thwack 'em with a Salmon
Invited round for tea
"What do you mean they sent invites?" Toby's voice got steadily louder.
Jona sighed around her excitement. How wasn't he used to this by now? No matter the experiments, or quantity of evidence, he believed nothing until he saw for himself. Wearily she reached to the back of her clipboard and pulled out a small piece of purple paper. He took it, managing to refrain from snatching ...barely, and read it out loud.
"Yous' are cordilly invitd to tea and breaksfast." The hand was child-like, each letter printed separately.
"Where on Earth did they get this paper, or a pen? Who taught them how to write?"
Jona sighed again. She'd already told him twice.
"Sir, as I said, they are given many items to play with to help further their development. No one taught them, they picked it up on their own. If we could just..."
Toby cut her off. "Picked it up on their own. Of course they did. You'll be telling me they talk next."
She'd received the phone call two hours ago from the duty officer, Phil. He'd known to call her first; everyone did. After asking a couple questions she'd hung up and contacted Toby. Eventually she convinced him to meet her at the office. How someone so sceptical had become project leader she'd never understand, but if she had to babysit yet another buffoon to get her own project then she would.
"Sir, you'll see if we just go in," she persisted, gesturing again to the lab door.
"Yes, yes, let's see the miracle then." Sarcasm dripped from his voice.
Jona stepped forward and tapped the code to enter. The door clicked and opened inward on huge hinges. She slipped through, and was halfway into a cleansuit before Toby strolled in. Once Toby was in his suit and nodded his readiness, she opened the matching door on the other side. As soon as she was through the door she scanned the cluttered room.
It was thirty feet along each white wall, with distinct areas in an open-plan style; a living room, a bedroom, a dining area and an activity area. A large one-way mirror took up most of one wall for observations. The first thing she noticed was four place-settings arranged, if not perfectly then surprisingly neatly, around the dining table. The subjects themselves were watching a cartoon on the TV.
Jona called out. "Hi guys, we on time?"
Two faces turned at the sound. Seconds later she was engulfed by twin furry-hugs. Laughing, she managed to pull one hairy arm off her face so she could get a breath and yelled a friendly, but muffled 'gerr-off-a-me'. Tiko, the large male, immediately clambered off her shoulders and quickly wrapped Toby in an equivalent embrace whereas Kiko, the female, stayed where she was, vigorously hugging Jona's legs.
Kiko suddenly pulled back from the Jona's legs. Jona watched carefully as the primate's thick fingers formed a series of signs.
"What'd she say?" Toby asked, not knowing the complex language the team had taught their subjects.
"She said that we're right on time and that breakfast will be ready very soon..." A pause as Kiko continued signing. "And that we should take our seats."
Jona grinned and quickly signed back to Kiko. "Lead the way." Kiko immediately took up her hand and gently led her to the table. A quick glance in the mirror showed Tiko similarly guiding Toby.
Once the scientists were seated, the two apes moved to the wall-opening where their food was delivered. Carefully, Tiko carried a tray laden with a large china teapot and cups, and placed it in the middle of the table.
"Fascinating," Toby whispered, as Jona spoke directly at the mirror. "You getting all this Phil?"
A click, and Phil's voice cracked through some speakers. "Sure am Jons."
Kiko appeared at the table with a similar tray. This one was filled with toast, and a variety of fruit.
"What you two up to?" Jona signed.
Remarkably, Kiko shrugged her shoulders, placed a finger against her lips and grinned widely. Jona was delighted, and even Toby laughed.
"Oh, so it's a secret is it?"
"No, a surprise," came the reply which Jona quickly translated for Toby. Kiko then turned around and went back to the wall to pick up a third tray.
Looking back at Tiko they saw him gingerly try to life it. Before they could try to help, Kiko had appeared back at the table with the third tray. It contained nothing but four standard party hats, complete with colourful cartoon animals and cheap elastic cord. From where had Phil found these?
Kiko quickly handed them out, almost roughly compared to her usual gentle nature, and then made a quick screech whilst signing rapidly.
"Quick, put them on, almost ready."
Jona grinned as she snapped the elastic in place. With surprise she saw that during the hat distraction Tiko had sucessfully poured the tea. Now he was trying to pick up a cup brimming with the steaming liquid to pass to Toby.
"Toby, your tea," she managed to say without the anxiety she felt.
Toby took the edge of the saucer and even managed to sign 'Thank you'. Jona took her own and then couldn't help laughing as Kiko took her seat at the table and placed the hat on her own head with only a little difficulty. Tiko passed her a cup, and then sat down too, complete with hat and large monkey-grin.
At an insistent gesture from Kiko, Jona sipped the tea and nudged Toby to do the same.
"Mmmmm," she said out loud, while quickly signing, "Delicious."
Jona clapped in delight when Tiko blew gently and took a delicate sip. "Oh Toby, look at him."
"Quite remarkable," he muttered.
"We're glad you came today," Kiko signed. "We planned this for ages," Tiko finished.
Again Jona was shocked. They had used 'we' in a way that no primate had ever done. She remembered reading about Koko; a Gorilla with an impressive vocabulary of more than 200 signs. But even Koko had always used I. Jona knew so much more was possible with recent developments into Gene-recombination sciences but it had taken many months of wrangling with the government to even begin their experiments here. Emergency systems had been demanded to ensure Tiko and Kiko would never leave this room with their near human-intelligence intact. They had persevered, and eventually received the go-ahead. Now, despite the efforts, it really was all worth it for moments like these.
Ignoring their tea, (how nice could it be to an ape's taste?) each of the subjects had grabbed a banana. Jona slipped more tea; it really was delicious, with an almost fruity aftertaste. She'd have to ask Phil what it was. "We're glad to be invited. Quite a feast you have here."
Both apes grinned around a mouthful of banana. Jona noted, they had carefully peeled them rather than just biting through the skin.
They chatted for a few more minutes, as the two scientists finished their tea and the two hosts finished their fruit. Once they were done Tiko jumped up and quickly took the trays back to the wall compartment. Jona was feeling odd, sleepy. Kiko was signing at her, but she could barely focus and saw only two words.
"Tea,...nice..."
In a semi-daze she nodded and tried to reply, aware of a goofy grin on her face.
"Yes, the tea was nice and fruity. What was..."
Her head slumped to the table at almost the same time Toby's did. In an instant both apes were half dragging the two unconscious scientists to the living area sofas. Phil's voice echoed over the speakers as he stared through the one-way mirror at the strange scene.
"Er, guys, you've fallen asleep. Not good guys, wake up."
Kiko turned to face the mirror, anxiety strangely apparent on his face as he signed rapidly.
"Help, come quick, something wrong."
Phil sprinted to the main door and had to put the code in twice before he got it right. Inside he pulled on a cleansuit and hit the button to open the second door. He squeezed himself through as soon as he could, muttering to himself "Why me? Why me?"
Inside he didn't even look around before he ran to the sofas. He found Toby first, snoring gently. He tapped a cheek gently but his boss continued snoring. He checked Jona next: the same. Kiko had lied!
For the first time he looked around the room but couldn't see the two apes anywhere. He stood up, calling out to them. "Don't play around, where the hell are you two?"
He heard a quiet hiss as the main door closed. A siren suddenly sounded, high-pitched and piercing. Phil near wet himself in shock and horror. He looked down at his two collegues, already awake and clutching ears at the deafening sound.
"Why...why is the emergency alarm going off?" Jona muttered, clutching her head in pain.
"I don't know" Phil exclaimed close to panic.
Toby staggered to his feet, his mind starting to function. "We've got to get out of here, you know what that alarm means!"
"Oh my god!" Phil yelled, and leapt over the sofa toward the door release. He pressed it frantically but nothing happened.
"No use," Jona said as she made it to her feet too, "emergency lock down with the alarm. Nothing is getting through there."
"We're trapped," Phil screamed.
"No yet we're not," Jona said, her voice more like her own as she crossed the room to the wall hatch where the breakfast trays were still waiting. "I'm sure there was a catch to swing this around from the inside."
Further conversation was cut off as a thick white mist started flowing into the room from the vents near the ceiling. At sight of the gas Jona and Toby lost control as much as Phil, and all three threw themselves at the small wall alcove, flinging the trays away to get at it.
Seconds later the room was filled with the gas; obscuring everything from sight. A few muffled shouts and then the siren stopped and the whir of powerful fans started up, clearing the room just as quickly as it had filled. The three scientists were in a tangled heap on the floor. Jona came round first, roughly throwing the bodies off her and scrambling onto the dining table on all fours. As the other two started moving she grabbed one of the hard things from the tray and screeched a challenge at them; she didn't recognise their smell.
~
"Let's get out of here," Kiko signed to her partner after turning back from the one-way mirror. She'd been watching the humans threaten each other with the remains of a teapot, and several cups.
His lips curled up abnormally as he tried to get the odd sounds out. "Yes let's go," he said. "Let's leave the chimps to their tea-party," he signed afterwards.
THE END.
_________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
Last edited by Smee on Tue Jun 13, 2006 4:24 am; edited 5 times in total
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The Powers That Be Respected Citizen
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Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 8:32 am Post subject: |
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Nice one. I'd have given you full marks if you'd named one of the apes 'Smee' and labeled the story as autobiographical...
Wow, seven entries already! Let's get more!
Now, as Fauna said a couple months ago:
Quote: | Getting your story taken apart is one of the stipulations for entry. Doesn't matter if [someone is] a contestant or not. Proofing is anyone's and everyone's job. |
So be warned, I'm going to start tearing apart the stories (it's only because I have to - everyone who knows me knows that I'll take no pleasure in it ). Please rip mine up too! _________________ Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway!
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Solomon Birch Honored Citizen
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Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 9:07 am Post subject: |
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ROFL! Very good entry Smee, another contender! :biggrin:
Aw, I'm so pleased my comp has teased everyone out of hiding. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside... ![Shocked](images/smiles/icon_eek.gif) _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot
Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here
The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9
Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3
The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3
One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3
Green Eyes - Chapter 5
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The Powers That Be Respected Citizen
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Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 12:29 pm Post subject: |
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Ok, Stoat's story first. I'm going to be ridiculously picky here, so let it be said up front that I love this story.
Quote: | Lyn looked in the mirror at her reflection and sighed. |
Better, I think, to reverse the phrases: "Lyn looked at her reflection in the mirror...". Put what she's looking at first.
Quote: | Her daughter appeared behind her in the mirror. She looked barely able to contain herself as she paced back and forth. |
Again, I propose a bit more active construction. "She paced back and forth, seemingly unable to relax." Hmm, that last bit needs work.
Quote: | Sometimes, though, she wished that Kes had never gone
to college. |
Quote: | Before all this, she had been such a nice child. |
Surely you can do better than 'nice'. I don't think the problem Lyn has with Kes is that she isn't 'nice'.
Quote: | Now they wanted to get married! How was that going to work? They had nothing in common, yet still they made lovey-dovey eyes at each other and spoke almost constantly, even when they were miles apart. |
Hmm, are you implying video-phones? That's ok, I suppose, but I'd emphasize it: "they spoke almost constantly and made lovey-dovey eyes at each other, even when...". Or, if you're not, change to something like "...made lovey-dovey eyes at each other when together and spoke almost constantly when apart".
(I told you I was going to be picky).
Quote: | When they finally arrived at their destination (with its horrid green lawn that looked like a hatching nest of ftang-beasts), |
Nothing wrong here, I'm just saving it to make a point later...
Quote: | it was up to her to knock on the door, to make the introductions, to smile and be pleasant for the sake of her daughter.
“Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Tarrhgni… Tarrihag… Tarrhnigli…” Steve’s mother trailed off with a nervous titter. “I never could get the hang of these foreign names.” |
Ok, this is confusing. It's all Lyn as she knocks on the door and we're told she has to make the introductions. So we assume that it's Lyn talking as the next paragraph begins, only to discover that it's really Steve's mother. I suggest you insert something about Steve's mother answering the door before she speaks. Oh, and surely it was her voice that trailed off - you didn't mean that she went wandering off during her hello.
Quote: | They were all treated to the sight of the human and the squid creature sharing a rather squirmy kiss. |
Hmm, so far it's all told from Lyn's point of view, but our first description of them is 'squid creature', which is clearly from a human perspective. Perhaps there's another way to work in the description. I had a couple issues with POV.
Quote: | From the look of the four surrounding faces, it was probably a good job that they hadn’t eaten yet. |
'Good job' is a Britishism, I presume?
Quote: | The Father gave a grunt, Lyn a curt nod. |
'Buzz' here - we've already gotten his name and we're still in Lyn's POV. Don't love 'gave a grunt' either. How about "Lyn nodded curtly. Buzz merely grunted" or something like that?
Quote: | “Calamari.” The woman wore the expression of an eager-to-please puppy, next to a freshly stained carpet. “It’s fresh?” |
Here it is. It's Lyn's POV (note 'the woman' for Steve's mother). Lyn wouldn't use a puppy analogy - see her lawn analogy above.
Quote: | Even Kes looked revolted. Apparently, her university education hadn’t hardened her to the notion of being served dead babies on a plate. She pushed the dish gently away and tried to get the conversation back on topic. The Smiths tucked in with every evidence of enjoyment and her own parents sat in outraged silence. |
'while her parents'
Quote: | “Silly?!” This time the calamari did end up on the floor. Lyn reared up on her lower appendages, turning a dull peuce with indignation. |
'Puce', I think (unless it's an alternate British spelling of which I'm unaware.
Quote: | “Mother – sit down!” Kes said, sternly. “The hats just aren’t built for humans, that’s all. Surely you can understand that? They’re nearly five-feet high, with spiky black tentacles standing out in all directions! |
Just to be even more picky, I find this description awkward coming from squid-girl. It's too much a straight description, when her mother knows what they look like already. It doesn't need to be much different: "They're as tall as he is, and then you've got the tentacles to deal with..." See what I'm getting at?
Quote: | “Tiramisu,” smiled their host, finally relaxing in the knowledge that she had, at least, done something right. |
'At last'? Or "she had done at least one thing right"?
Quote: | By the end of the second slice, the party was flowing smoothly. The Smiths began to notice... |
Nice change in POV to Mrs. Smith here. Maybe a '---' before this line.
Quote: | Kes screamed and ran into the fracas, pulling at Mr. Smith |
You can do better than 'pulling at'.
Sigh, so many Britishisms I have to learn.
Quote: | Blows were traded, bites were dealt, scratches numerous… |
Parallel construction, please - 'scratches were scratched', perhaps?
Quote: | and it all got a bit hazy at that point. Who kissed who first? Which hand slid over squid-skin with anything but the attempt to maim? We shall never know. |
The 'we' stands out like a sore thumb. 'Nobody' or 'none of them' or something else.
Quote: | When Lyn woke up in the morning, though, it was with a sense of utmost horror. She was flat out on the couch, with Mr. Smith draped over her, and half a slice of tiramisu melting between them. |
Back to Lyn's POV now. Maybe another break. (Not a big deal, though).
Quote: | She scrambled up, only to fall over Buzz, who appeared to be stark naked and using Mrs. Smith’s breasts as a pillow | .
A bit better, I think, like this: "...who was stark naked and appeared to be using..."
Quote: | Mr. Smith was busy glaring at Buzz, who was busy not noticing as he stared at Mrs. Smith’s cleavage. Lyn finally noticed and began to drag him backward by the tentacles. |
Change one of the 'notices'.
Quote: | There was the quadruple thud of four bodies fainting simultaneously [insert period]
“What did I say?” she asked, plaintively. |
The "she asked, plaintively" drains some of the power from the punch line. Change it so you close with "What did I say" all by itself. Maybe precede it with something like "Kes, confused, turned to Steve." _________________ Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway!
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Smee Revered IFian
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Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 1:04 pm Post subject: |
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Quote: | 'Good job' is a Britishism, I presume?
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Must be - I wouldn't have picked up on that in a million years.
Some good tearing there Powers *whimpers* ![Wink](images/smiles/icon_wink.gif) _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
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Shady Stoat Elder
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Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 1:26 pm Post subject: |
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Wow! Incredible job, Powers. That must have taken you ages
I can't disagree with you on much of it either - although I had no idea so many Britishisms were in there. I'll have to watch for that in future
I'll try and return the favour, if I can find anything to pick on. Not tonight though - too much beer, not enough concentration span
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The Powers That Be Respected Citizen
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Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 1:54 pm Post subject: |
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Next up, ninja baloon.
From the rules:
Quote: | If you exceed more than ten spelling or grammar errors, your story will be given back to you to rewrite. So check your work. |
I know we haven't exactly enforced this in the past, but...
ninja baloon wrote: | Having a dinner party with all of the worlds super heroes and super villains seemed like a good idea at the time. Everyone was given a hat according to there skills and powers when they came out to the garden. However when it came to them actually all meeting up, it didn't matter if you where good or evil. All the heroes where very competitive. The only ones that got along where the sidekicks and they where busy organising rebellion against there masters.
The heroes and villains came on the condition that they wouldn't try to kill one and other. That didn't stop them trying to show off to each other. The first to instigate the anarchy was Godzilla.
When Godzilla found out there wasn't any cake he started jumping up and down like a lunatic. He kicked Superman in the face and nearly crushed Batman. Batman wasn't having this so he decided to started pelting Godzilla with Baterangs. This was a bad idea as this didn't damage Godzilla but just enraged him.
What Godzilla didn't expect was Michael Jordan to pop out and start doing air jorditsu on Godzilla's face. While Godzilla was being dazzled by Michaels super fast martial arts |
...for the record, the missing apostrophe on "Michael's" is, by my count, the tenth such error of this story. I won't bother doing a closer reading unless the author feels like doing his own editing pass first. _________________ Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway!
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LordoftheNight Revered IFian
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Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 2:20 pm Post subject: |
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I don't know - a lot of those (Shady's I mean) weren't so much errors as just alternative, inferior ways of putting them.
Nallon has no excuse though - but shouldn't you be in your other form for this Powers? _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom.
Ave Dominus Nox
A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi
Blood Bowl
Scraping the Barrel
A Tale of Four Swords
Passion
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The Powers That Be Respected Citizen
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Posted: Thu Jun 08, 2006 2:26 pm Post subject: |
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lordofthenight wrote: | I don't know - a lot of those (Shady's I mean) weren't so much errors as just alternative, inferior ways of putting them. |
Did I say they were errors?
lordofthenight wrote: | Nallon has no excuse though - but shouldn't you be in your other form for this Powers? |
I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about.
![Wink](images/smiles/icon_wink.gif) _________________ Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway!
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Solomon Birch Honored Citizen
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Posted: Fri Jun 09, 2006 2:13 am Post subject: |
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Wow, thank you Powers, great job there. Now I don't need to bother... ![Wink](images/smiles/icon_wink.gif) _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot
Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here
The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9
Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3
The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3
One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3
Green Eyes - Chapter 5
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Shady Stoat Elder
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Posted: Fri Jun 09, 2006 2:26 am Post subject: |
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lordofthenight wrote: | I don't know - a lot of those (Shady's I mean) weren't so much errors as just alternative, inferior ways of putting them.
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*grins* Much as I'd like to see this turn into a mud-wrestling match, I'll have to say that I'm very glad of the critique. I've been moaning for months that nobody will beat the errors and clumsinesses out of my writing - and I'm careful only ever to wish for things that I actually want
The only point I would have quibbled about was "she used to be such a nice girl."
I guess it must be an English inflection of the word 'nice', often used by disapproving parents and grannies. Meaning 'decent, respectful, obedient, not having any opinions of their own'.
But having thought about it a little, if it doesn't translate, then it doesn't work. I changed that one too. And, despite having added quite a few bits and pieces here and there, I'm only one word up from where I was. A whole 37 words under the limit! *beams*
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Smee Revered IFian
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Posted: Fri Jun 09, 2006 2:55 am Post subject: |
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*mutters and grumbles* ![Wink](images/smiles/icon_wink.gif) _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
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The Powers That Be Respected Citizen
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Posted: Fri Jun 09, 2006 5:47 am Post subject: |
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Shady Stoat wrote: | Much as I'd like to see this turn into a mud-wrestling match |
Yeah, my response to Lordy was a little snide - apologies, Lordy.
Quote: | I'll have to say that I'm very glad of the critique. I've been moaning for months that nobody will beat the errors and clumsinesses out of my writing - and I'm careful only ever to wish for things that I actually want ![Wink](images/smiles/icon_wink.gif) |
I was serious, too - please have at mine, anyone and everyone.
Quote: | The only point I would have quibbled about was "she used to be such a nice girl."
I guess it must be an English inflection of the word 'nice', often used by disapproving parents and grannies. Meaning 'decent, respectful, obedient, not having any opinions of their own'. |
No no, that's not a British thing - that was my failing to read it properly. Reading your explanation, I think it's a perfectly appropriate usage and I retract the comment.
The last thing I expect is that all my proposed edits will be accepted - God knows Shady is a much better writer than I (better than me? no, I...I think). But all writing can benefit from a good close reading by someone else, IMHO.
Edit: Just reread it. Two things. 1. I like "sweet, placid" a lot. 2. I wasn't complaining about the Britishisms! I rather like them, actually, I just wanted to make sure they were in fact idioms and not errors. _________________ Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway!
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Shady Stoat Elder
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Posted: Fri Jun 09, 2006 9:43 am Post subject: |
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In that case, the Britishisms will be replaced, just for you.
As for the commentary on your linear, you seem to do a much better job of self-grooming for nits than I do - but I managed to compile a list of rather insignificant details. All suggestions, feel free to ignore, you know the drill, so here goes
==========
Power's Story
The Powers That Be wrote: | hey, don’t look so surprised, didn’t anyone tell you that I used to be a student here at the Culinary Academy? |
The ‘at the Culinary Academy’ seems a little tacked-on here. It’s information that the reader needs to know, but that both parties in the conversation already have. Difficult to get the facts in without them sounding forced.
Perhaps ‘One of the Culinary Academy’s best and brightest’ (except that, unless it’s said ironically, that’s probably the wrong phrase to use. God was there rather a long time after all). Or split it up into 2 sentences. ‘didn’t anyone tell you that I used to be a student here.’ Then something about his time at the Culinary Academy, to justify the existence of the ‘redundant’ data.
Quote: | As much as I tried to discourage his…experimentation and get him to focus on the basics, he insisted. |
Somehow, that sentence feels like it stops short. He insisted… on what? I know, I know – the meaning is right there, but it still feels wrong. It may sound more rounded as ‘he was insistent’. ‘very insistent’?
Quote: | “Ah, beetlesh!” said my advisor. “Now them’sh good eating. That’sh real food there. It was me that urged him to make all those beetles, I don’t mind telling you. Each one a little different tasting. Shplendid shtuff! You there, more wine!” |
Did you want ‘beetles’ to match with the original ‘beetlesh’? It works either way, but it’s an inconsistency, so point it out I did
Quote: | I cringed at the memory. It had nearly destroyed me as it had my dinosaurs. |
Correct phraseology, but to my mind, a little clunky. The flow stops while you try to work out the sense of the sentence. Perhaps, ‘It had nearly destroyed me, just as it had my dinosaurs’ or ‘It had destroyed my dinosaurs, and damn near destroyed me in the process.’ (but then you don’t get the primary point of the sentence across first. Argh! Great help I am!)
Quote: | “Oh my,” asked Professor Kaga, “what is this dish that smells so enticing?” |
A bit mechanical in the language, for me. Something as simple as ‘what is that wonderful aroma’ or ‘That smells so enticing. What is it?’ would be more conversational, less formalized, I think.
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The Powers That Be Respected Citizen
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Posted: Fri Jun 09, 2006 10:08 pm Post subject: |
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Shady Stoat wrote: | In that case, the Britishisms will be replaced, just for you. |
Wow, and you did, too!
You know, now that I think about it, there's one more thing I can suggest that would make your story better: give me all your money.
Thanks for your comments on my story. I'm too tired tonight to make changes, but I'll do it tomorrow.
And no, I'm not surprised that the terms 'clunky' and 'mechanical' turn up in a critique of my writing. Sigh. _________________ Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway!
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Shady Stoat Elder
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Posted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 1:41 am Post subject: |
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The Powers That Be wrote: |
You know, now that I think about it, there's one more thing I can suggest that would make your story better: give me all your money.
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*starts to empty pockets*
Well sure! If you think it would... *pauses, narrowing eyes*
Hey - wait a minute!
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Solomon Birch Honored Citizen
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Posted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 1:55 am Post subject: |
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Come now Powers, that wasn't very sportsman-like was it? I'm the only one who's going to be taking Shady's money around here. *looks imploringly, indicating empty store cupboards and starving African children* ![Very Happy](images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif) _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot
Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here
The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9
Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3
The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3
One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3
Green Eyes - Chapter 5
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The Powers That Be Respected Citizen
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Posted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 5:01 am Post subject: |
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Ok, I made all the changes but the first one - I agree with you, but haven't figured out how to fix it yet. Thanks again. _________________ Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway!
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The Powers That Be Respected Citizen
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Posted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 2:11 pm Post subject: |
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Ok, Smee's up... Please remember that many of these are suggestions and the author is free to accept or reject them.
Smee wrote: | Jona sighed around her excitement. You'd have thought he'd have got used to it by now. |
I would keep this in the third person or make it explicit that it's Jona thinking this, not the narrator. "He should really be used to this by now, she thought". Hmm, maybe.
Quote: | Yet no matter the experiments, or quantity of collated evidence... |
Make these match: "no matter the number of experiments or the quantity of collated evidence" Hmm, I'm not sure about 'collated evidence', either - is 'collated data' better?
Quote: | Wearily she reached to the back of her clipboard and pulled out a small piece of purple paper. He managed to refrain from snatching...barely, and read it out loud. |
Does this mean he's reading it while she's still holding it? "He accepted it, barely resisting the urge to snatch it from her fingers, and read it..." Again, maybe.
Quote: | The hand was child-like, each letter printed separately. |
Quote: | Toby cut her off [insert period and space] "Yeah, picked it up on their own. Of course they did. You'll be telling me they talk next." |
Lose the ... before the 'Yeah'. He's cutting her off, not continuing a thought.
Quote: | He'd known to call her first, everyone did. |
Semicolon, not comma.
Quote: | After dragging a few questions from her half-asleep mind she'd hung up and contacted Toby. |
I don't get this. Does this mean she asked Phil some questions, or that she thought up some questions? I think it could be reworded a bit.
Quote: | "Sir, you'll see if we just go in," she persisted, gesturing again to the door of the lab they still stood outside. |
We know they're still outside, because she's asking him to go in. Replace "the door of the lab they still stood outside" with "the lab door." It has the added benefit of removing your dangling preposition.
[quote"Yes, yes, let's see the miracle then," he replied infuriatingly sarcastically.[/quote]
'Infuriatingly sarcastically' is pretty clunky. One possibility: "...he replied. Jona bristled at the sarcasm in his voice."
Quote: | As soon as she was through the door she scanned the fairly large room. |
Definitely lose the 'fairly'. Also, since you're about to tell us the size in the next sentence, I'd use something other than 'large' here. "...scanned the furnished apartment within"? "scanned the cluttered room"? I don't know, something.
Quote: | Laughing, she managed... |
Quote: | Tiko, a large male, immediately clambered off her shoulders and quickly wrapped Toby in an equivalent embrace whereas Kiko, a female... |
"The large male" and "the female". There's only one of each, plus Jona knows them both.
Quote: | Kiko suddenly pulled back from the legs and Jona watched carefully as the primate's thick fingers formed a series of signs. |
I'd split this into two sentences and say "...from Jona's legs."
Quote: | Jona grinned, and quickly signed back to Kiko. |
Lose the comma.
Quote: | "Lead the way." Kiko immediately took up her hand and gently led her to the table. A quick glance in the mirror showed Tiko similarly leading Toby. |
Too many 'leads'. Use 'directed', 'guided', etc.
Quote: | Once they were seated, both the apes moved to the wall-opening where their food was put in. |
"Once the humans were seated," I think - the apes didn't move after they themselves were seated, did they? Also, I'd change "both the apes" to "the two apes". Oh, and 'put in' has to be changed to something like 'delivered'.
Quote: | Carefully [insert comma]Tiko carried... |
Quote: | "Fascinating," Toby whispered, even as Jona looked directly at the mirror. "You getting all this Phil?"
A click, and Phil's voices cracked through some speakers. "Sure am Jons." |
The first paragraph reads as though Toby is the only speaker. "...as Jona looked directly at the mirror and asked, 'You...'" works. Also, I assume Phil was only meant to have one voice.
Quote: | This one laden with toast, jams, and a variety of fruit. |
Fragment. "...was laden" or, better yet, "...was filled", siince you've already used 'laden'.
Quote: | Remarkably [insert comma] Kiko shrugged her shoulders, [strike 'and then'] placed a finger against her lips and grinned widely. |
"...pick up"
Quote: | The clang of crockery made them look around to see Tiko had just slammed down the lid on the teapot, and had now picked it up. |
Very awkward.
Quote: | Before they could say anything [insert comma] Kiko had appeared back at the table with the third tray. It contained nothing but four standard party hats, complete with colourful cartoon animals [no comma] and cheap elastic cord. Where had Phil got these from? |
"From where had Phil gotten these?"
Quote: | "Quick, put them on, almost ready," Jona snapped the elastic under her chin grining. |
"Jona grinned as she snapped the elastic..." seems better. And note the misspelling of 'grinning'.
Quote: | Surprise shook her as she saw that during the hat distraction Tiko had poured the tea and was now trying to pick up a cup brimming with the steaming liquid to pass to Toby. |
Awkward. Break this up.
Quote: | "Mmmmm," she said out loud, followed by quickly signing, "Delicious." |
Maybe "while quickly..." or "quickly following up by..."
Quote: | Jona nearly clapped in delight when Tiko took his own sip, even blowing gently first. "Oh Toby, look at him." |
Jona's blowing gently? Think you need to rephrase this. And why not just let her clap and lose the 'nearly'?
Quote: | Again Jona was shocked. They had used 'we' in a way that no primate had ever done. It had always been 'I', even with Koko, the world famous Gorilla that before these two, had the largest vocabulary of signs. Still was, as far as most people knew. Their work here was top secret. Never before had gene-therapy, and genetic recombination been taken so far. The only way they could get away with it was by having an emergency system to reverse all the changes they had done to their two subjects. The moment they were compromised a specially concocted mixture would flood the room in seconds. Once inhaled it would trigger an immediate reaction in the brains of the primates, reverting them back to their normal mental capacity instead of the near human standard they had become. |
Ok. A couple more comma problems, but I'll stop noting those. Mostly, though, this paragraph really sticks out. The whole rest of the story is presented from a character's POV, and we need to infer what's going on from the context. Here, we have a big block of Important Information. I think you could find a way to disperse this with a bit more subtlety (I do understand that the word limit makes it difficult).
I wonder if you could get away with just saying that they'd worked long and hard to get permission, and finally did as long as they made arrangements that the apes couldn't get out with their enhanced intelligence intact. We'll figure out the mechanism when the gas starts flowing.
Quote: | (how nice could it be to an ape's taste?) |
Quote: | Jona slipped more tea, [semicolon, not comma, plus add a space] it really was delicious |
Quote: | Both apes grinned around a mouthful of banana, although, Jona noted, they had carefully peeled them rather than just biting through the skin. |
I don't think 'although' fits here. Just make it two sentences.
Quote: | "Help, come quick, not breathing."
Phil sprinted to the main door and had to put the code in twice before he got it right. |
To me, Phil comes off as pretty darned gullible here. I wonder if just adding something like "bad tea" to Kiko's message would make it more believable.
Quote: | muttering to himself, why me? Why me? |
Muttering is talking, use quotes. If he's thinking, use italics.
Quote: | He checked Jona next; the same. |
Colon here, not semicolon.
Quote: | Phil near wet himself in shock and horror. He knew exactly what that siren meant. But how?
He looked down at the sleeping pair, and urgency filled him. He pulled up Toby and began slapping him around the face more and more forcefully. After a half dozen the eyes flickered open.
"Ph..Phil..what's going on? What happened? What's that god-awful noise?"
A moaning behind Phil indicated Jona waking too.
"Why...why is the emergency alarm going off?" She muttered, clutching her head in pain.
"I don't know" Phil exclaimed close to panic. "Kiko said you weren't breathing, so I came in here to check on you both. I found you both asleep, and I couldn't find either of them. Next thing the alarm went off."
Toby staggered to his feet, his mind starting to function. "We've got to get out of here, you know what that alarm means!" |
Yeah, we get it, the alarm's going off. You must be able to find a way to get them all awake and panicked without repeating the same information over and over. A few other grammar things up here, but I'll leave them to you.
Quote: | "Oh my god!" Phil yelled, and leapt over the sofa and smacked at the door release. |
"as he leapt..."
Quote: | At sight of the speeding gas Jona and Toby both lost it as much as Phil, and all three flung themselves at the small wall alcove, flinging the trays away to get at it. |
(1) Gas doesn't speed. (2) Replace one of the 'flings'. (3) I think 'lost it' is a bit colloquial here. (4) 'At the sight of..."
Quote: | His lips seemed to curl up abnormally as he tried to get the odd sounds out. "Yes let's go," he said. "Let's leave the chimps to their tea-party," he signed afterwards. |
Lose the 'seemed to'.
I like the talking at the end - a nice little bonus surprise. _________________ Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway!
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Chinaren Hallowed IFian
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Posted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 3:12 pm Post subject: |
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Powers wrote: | Smee wrote: |
Before they could say anything [insert comma] Kiko had appeared back at the table with the third tray. It contained nothing but four standard party hats, complete with colourful cartoon animals [no comma] and cheap elastic cord. Where had Phil got these from? |
"From where had Phil gotten these? |
Try not to use got OR gotten! Terrible word! How about found?
and...
Bloody hell Powers! Good work! I am scared now. ![Surprised](images/smiles/icon_surprizedzombie.gif) _________________ Neil Hartley Books.
My Amazon page.
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The Powers That Be Respected Citizen
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Posted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 3:47 pm Post subject: |
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chinaren wrote: | Try not to use got OR gotten! Terrible word! How about found? |
Ouch. Good catch, China. 'Found' is much better, and you can lose the "from where" at the beginning too.
Quote: | I am scared now. ![Surprised](images/smiles/icon_surprizedzombie.gif) |
Mwaa-haa-ha! Your turn will come. You cannot escape. :twisted: _________________ Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway!
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The Powers That Be Respected Citizen
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Posted: Sat Jun 10, 2006 6:04 pm Post subject: Re: Here is my submission |
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Nate Z. is next.
Nate Z wrote: | it still can be fixed up i think. |
I think that's a fair assessment.
Quote: | “So you say that these guests have hats made from yak fur with dog ears attached?”, Mr. Stabler paused for a moment to formulate the correct response and he finally managed to reply. “Yes, the yak fur makes up a nine bands which signifies Genghis Khans signature symbol, the dog ears represent the
great grand father of the entire group who is coming who made some sort of weird deal with a dog”, the young man looked at her flunky (or Butler as the conservatives like to call it) and burst out laughing.... “ahahahaha, you can’t be serious that THESE kooks are the people visiting MY mansion
as part of my *Diversity Day* dinner”... A few seconds passed and the mans look changed from a grin to a frown. |
Ok, I count nine errors in the first paragraph. Again, I'll be happy to do a closer reading if the author cares to edit it first. _________________ Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway!
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Smee Revered IFian
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Posted: Sun Jun 11, 2006 12:30 am Post subject: |
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Ok - let's get through this.
Thanks a lot for doing this Powers
Quote: | Jona sighed around her excitement. You'd have thought he'd have got used to it by now. | I tried something - hopefully it works.
Quote: | Yet no matter the experiments, or quantity of collated evidence... | I just got rid of collated - quantity of evidence seems better to me.
Quote: | Wearily she reached to the back of her clipboard and pulled out a small piece of purple paper. He managed to refrain from snatching...barely, and read it out loud. | I see the point, I added a 'He took it.'
Quote: | After dragging a few questions from her half-asleep mind she'd hung up and contacted Toby. | Yep - confusing. I rewrote it.
Quote: | "Sir, you'll see if we just go in," she persisted, gesturing again to the door of the lab they still stood outside. |
My dangling preposition has hopefully been moved to a place of stability.
Quote: | "Lead the way." Kiko immediately took up her hand and gently led her to the table. A quick glance in the mirror showed Tiko similarly leading Toby. |
*nods* Good point.
and I have to stop there for now - I'll get to the rest a little later, got (have ) visitors at the moment.
![Smile](images/smiles/icon_smile.gif) _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
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Solomon Birch Honored Citizen
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Posted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 10:35 am Post subject: |
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Just six day's to get those Stories in!
So... enough of the silly font shenanigans, get too it! :biggrin: _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot
Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here
The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9
Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3
The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3
One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3
Green Eyes - Chapter 5
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The Powers That Be Respected Citizen
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Posted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 4:15 pm Post subject: |
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Phang's up.
General comments: what's the rush? This clocks in at 800 or so words and strikes me as a sketch. I would have liked to see more to the story (what's the purpose of the program, for instance).
Phang wrote: | Now, all he had to do was wait…and hope nothing else went wrong. If it did, he might just scream. |
Keep the tense consistent. "If it did, he was sure he'd scream."
Quote: | If you looked closely enough, you saw that their feet only glided over the floor, mere millimetres away. |
"...glided a few millimetres above the floor."
Quote: | These were holograms – the ridiculous children’s party hats they wore beamed out light to maintain the being underneath them. |
Awkward, and inconsistent. At minimum, 'creature' becomes 'creatures'. Better to reword: maybe "...to maintain the image, or break it into a couple sentences.
Quote: | mixed up at little. |
"a little."
Quote: | The other IFian guests were less problematic – Storm was bristling and crackling with lightning bolts, but that was put down to her finally relenting to a little experimentation with her choice of magical weaponry. |
Use a period, not a dash. The part before the dash implies that you'll talk about more than one guest, but the part after refers only to Storm.
Quote: | And [lose the and] Key’s king chess piece was the latest fashion. No, it wasn’t moulded to his head at all, don’t worry. [and lose this whole sentence] |
Quote: | Next were a group of images gone horrifically wrong – including, but not limited to, a blue blob... |
"...wrong, among them a blue blob..."
Quote: | and a…a thing which defied description – and [an] appropriate phrase in a way, for it later turned out that this beast was a combination of Nemesis, a zebra, a leopard and some really sick porn images (Zlake was reminded of his mate’s DVD collection). |
So it defies description but you turn right around and describe it. Just cut straight to the description.
The larger problem here is that we're told they've gone horrifically wrong, but they don't seem too different from the IFian crew. What were they supposed to be?
Quote: | Everything that could have gone wrong, had, it seemed so far. |
Better to show us this than tell us. Just contrast what the creatures looked like with what they were supposed to look like.
Quote: | Zlake wearily invited in guest after deformed guest, making notes of the combinations in a vain hope that he could find the secret to correcting such problems completely – he had been the host of the ‘Dinner Party’ test program since last year. |
The part after the dash doesn't really connect to the part before. Pull it out to its own paragraph and use the opportunity to tell us more about Zlake and the program.
Quote: | Eventually came the part he had been dreading – the group of beasts he was certain had been included just to torture the dinner party host. |
Included by whom?
[descriptions of creatures]
Are these the way they're supposed to look or not?
Quote: | The ‘guests’ were... |
Now they're guests in quotes?
Quote: | people began to get drunk. |
This is the first time you've referred to them as 'people'. Do you want to?
Quote: | ...between the morally right apparitions |
"Morally right"? _________________ Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway!
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The Powers That Be Respected Citizen
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Posted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 5:25 pm Post subject: |
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NOOOoooooo! I just edited Chinaren's entire story and the window closed on me before I could submit.
I'm too annoyed to go back and do it again now. But rest assured, C-ren, you won't escape. _________________ Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway!
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Chinaren Hallowed IFian
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Posted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 5:53 pm Post subject: |
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The Powers That Be wrote: | NOOOoooooo! I just edited Chinaren's entire story and the window closed on me before I could submit.
I'm too annoyed to go back and do it again now. But rest assured, C-ren, you won't escape. |
Wooo! It's the demonic power of the story, it is fighting back! Really though, that's a totally annoying thing to happen, I have had a similar thing happen to me a couple of times.
and...
Now I am biting my nails. _________________ Neil Hartley Books.
My Amazon page.
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The Powers That Be Respected Citizen
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Posted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 7:52 pm Post subject: |
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Let's try this again...
Quote: | The heavy rock from upstairs only served to add to the atmosphere. |
"heavy rock music", and either "only added to" or "only served to heighten" or something similar.
Quote: | Well, he would have his revenge. He would soon be the one wrapping his tongue around the delightful tonsils of Helen, rubbing his body against her delightful shape, feeling under her… |
"Tonsils of Helen"? Try "Helen's delightful tonsils". And either change one of the 'delightfuls' or add one as the last word before the ellipsis.
Quote: | “Concentrate!” hissed the sub-necromancer. Of course his real name was Arthur, but for a ritual of summoning real names could hardly be used, oh no, so tonight he was the Sub-Necromancer and Billy was Arch-Summoner. |
Consistent capitalization, please. And "Of course his real name was..." is awkward, especially since you use 'real name' later in the sentence. Maybe something like, "Yes, it was just Arthur in a ridiculous cape,..."
"We need hats."
Quote: | ‘…ye spelle will breakest and…’ |
'Your' or, less likely, 'thy', not 'ye'. See here, under Usage, for guidance.
Quote: | waving a couple of bowls about. |
C'mon, give us a description of the bowls.
Quote: | He would teach those bullies from college to gate-crash his dinner party, [semicolon or period, not comma] he would have Helen… |
Quote: | "Get yer own bitch, this one is mine [insert comma] ” he growled back. |
Quote: | Brad’s chair wobbled and fell sidewise, causing him to slide onto the ground. |
I'm not fond of 'causing him to', make it a bit more active: "dumping him unceremoniously to", "depositing him on", something like that.
Quote: | His birthday hat, perched precariously as it was, slipped to one side. |
Ooh, foreshadowing, nice.
Quote: | The others around the table laughter cruelly at Slime’s mis-fortune. |
'Laughed', and no hyphen in misfortune.
Quote: | “What was that?” came a voice in the gloom, sounded like Reg. |
A little casual - appropriate if the narrator was using Brad's voice in general, but he isn't, so it's not really consistent. Maybe just change 'sounded' to 'sounding'.
Quote: | spilling blood red light into the room. |
Hyphenate 'blood-red'.
Quote: | A figure, silhouetted against the red glow [insert comma] stepped forth. |
Quote: | Brad felt alcohol induced rage fill him. |
Hyphenate 'alcohol-induced'.
Quote: | “You tired of living [insert comma] runt?” said one of them. |
Quote: | They stepped forward towards the boy, whereby Billy’s hand shot forward into the nearest one, Stone. |
Lose "towards the boy," perhaps replace with 'menacingly' - we know which way they're headed, and you're immediately following up 'the boy' with 'Billy'. And 'whereupon', not 'whereby'.
Quote: | There was a dull squelch. Stone stopped and looked down. There was a silence broken only by Stone’s rasping breath. |
"There was..." "There was..." Needs work. "Brad heard a dull squelching sound..." "Billy's hand penetrated Stone's belly with a dull squelch..." Something.
Quote: | There was a cracking sound |
See?
Quote: | Brad pushed Helen forward and ran up the stairs, frantically fleeing thought the unfamiliar house until he found a closet, in which he hid, heart pounding loudly in his body. |
"...fleeing through..."
Also, this sentence is kind of long and awkward. Break into a couple sentences. "...until he found a closet. He dove inside and cowered under a pile of old coats, his heart pounding..." for example.
Quote: | There was a noise. |
There you go again.
Quote: | An arm, weedy as it was, |
Huh?
Quote: | Billy pulled him up to his pale face. |
Replace 'him' with 'Brad'. Better yet, add some interest: 'pulled a pale and quivering Brad," or something.
Quote: | “Nnooooo!!” Brad flailed around, knocking off the bowl that Billy was wearing on his head in the process. |
Ok, this is a big moment. Don't throw it away; give it some weight, some suspense. "Brad frantically tried to escape from Billy's iron grip. His flailing arm clipped the bowl on Billy's head, knocking it askew. The makeshift hat hung for a moment, then slid inexorably..."
Quote: | horror as the form of Billy shook and then seemed to fall in on itself. |
"...the form of Billy?" How about "Billy?" Or "Billy's body?"
Quote: | Bone cracked, tendons snapped and blood trickled down skin drawn taught [taut] . Slowly [insert comma] Billy collapsed until he was little more than a smear on the carpet. |
_________________ Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway!
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Chinaren Hallowed IFian
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Posted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 10:44 pm Post subject: |
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Holy moley! Ripped apart! Well, let's see...
PtB wrote: |
Quote: | The heavy rock from upstairs only served to add to the atmosphere. |
"heavy rock music", and either "only added to" or "only served to heighten" or something similar.
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Mmm, I think the 'music' is implied here.
Quote: |
Quote: | “Concentrate!” hissed the sub-necromancer. |
Consistent capitalization, please. "
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Dang! I thought I had caught all of those!
PtB wrote: |
Quote: | ‘…ye spelle will breakest and…’ |
'Your' or, less likely, 'thy', not 'ye'. See here, under Usage, for guidance. |
Ah! This one was on purpose, it as supposed to show that the book was some cheap tat. I was going to do more with it later, but then I changed my mind. I have changed it now.
PtB wrote: |
Quote: | waving a couple of bowls about. |
C'mon, give us a description of the bowls. |
Ah, yes. I didn't put it in here 'cos it mentions them (or one of them) later. Still, added a little bit more description.
Quote: |
Quote: | The others around the table laughter . |
'Laughed', |
I saw that before and could swear I fixed it!
Quote: |
Quote: | They stepped forward towards the boy, whereby Billy’s hand shot forward into the nearest one, Stone. |
Lose "towards the boy," perhaps replace with 'menacingly' - we know which way they're headed, and you're immediately following up 'the boy' with 'Billy'. And 'whereupon', not 'whereby'. |
Ah, I knew that looked funny.
Quote: |
Quote: | There was a dull squelch. Stone stopped and looked down. There was a silence broken only by Stone’s rasping breath. |
"There was..." "There was..." Needs work. "Brad heard a dull squelching sound..." "Billy's hand penetrated Stone's belly with a dull squelch..." Something. |
Yeah, know what you mean. I changed it, but I am still not overlly happy with it.
Phew, thanks Powers! If I someone doesn't catch me I will never learn. :biggrin: _________________ Neil Hartley Books.
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Smee Revered IFian
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Posted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 4:27 am Post subject: |
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Ok - my alterations have finished.
Thanks again Powers - wonderful stuff. And even the word count is ok! Simplifying the big narration about the gas and emergency system knocked several hundred words off, giving me something to play with for the other changes.
Happy Writing ![Smile](images/smiles/icon_smile.gif) _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
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The Powers That Be Respected Citizen
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Posted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 6:26 am Post subject: |
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Quote: | Mmm, I think the 'music' is implied here. |
It is, but only in retrospect. As the first sentence, it takes a while to get there. It doesn't help that the adjective 'heavy' could be used for either meaning. Make it 'loud' or 'throbbing' and it's less of an issue.
Chinaren wrote: | If I someone doesn't catch me I will never learn. :biggrin: |
Smee wrote: | Thanks again Powers |
You're welcome. I'm thinking now, though, that I should've shipped the edits off to a different thread, so people can more easily find the stories. Probably should go in the Technicalities thread in IFTI (or a new one) with a link placed here. _________________ Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway!
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Chinaren Hallowed IFian
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Posted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 6:35 am Post subject: |
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Quote: | It is, but only in retrospect. As the first sentence, it takes a while to get there. It doesn't help that the adjective 'heavy' could be used for either meaning. Make it 'loud' or 'throbbing' and it's less of an issue. |
Mm, 'throbbing' is a good word. ![Cool](images/smiles/icon_cool.gif) _________________ Neil Hartley Books.
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Smee Revered IFian
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Posted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 7:24 am Post subject: |
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Quote: | I'm thinking now, though, that I should've shipped the edits off to a different thread, so people can more easily find the stories |
From what I can see you waited for the flow of stories to dry before the first list of technicalities so they are found easily enough.
Maybe we could make it more formal, and have a closing date a little earlier, and then allow a week for technicalities. We can keep everything together then. ![Smile](images/smiles/icon_smile.gif) _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
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chiacutie Guest
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Posted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 7:26 pm Post subject: |
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Tika beamed around the room, her face falling as she saw one of her guests looking disgustedly at the very large, very green bowler she had been given, regarding the long artichoke stuck in the bright orange band with particular contempt. That little ingrate! She would bet anything it was that uppity hypocrite Selina.
Lo and behold. Guess who. After a long conversation about taste in hats, Selina stormed off angrily. "She has no idea how difficult it is planning a party for-"Her train of thought was interrupted when her daughter tried to lick a light bulb.
"No sweetie, don't give the guests ideas. Go do that in your room."
"Yeh mom"
Later that evening, Tika served dinner. One table had milk, pork, beef, water, cheese, and fish. Another guest had white wine and celery. The last guest had nothing, he wasn't hungry , thank you. Tika couldn't eat. She kept watching the clock. She had to do it before time ran out. She left the dining room to get some "Liquid Courage" If you know what I mean. If you are incredibally slow and you don't I mean she left and drank 4 shots, a tornado, ad half a bottle of vodka, plus the wine she had with dinner.
All went according to plan, that is, until Selina pushed one button too many. She wouldn't stop licking the lightbulbs!(Her daughter had snuck back downstairs, claiming her light had burnt out) She slapped her across the face and, thinking it was done and over with, walked away thinking"If only she knew how hard it is hosting a party fo-" Interrupted, once again. Selina, an alcoholic in addition to full time jerk, jumped her, Tika throwing her off into a nearby window. Selina came back through the front door, smiled, smoothed her dress and hair, and, square in the nose, punched Tika as hard as she could.
Yelling various obscenities, Tika pushed her off and threw her hat out the window, soon to be followed by Selina.
"Sorry" they both said lamely, this followed with a hug.
You have no idea.
You have no idea how hard it is to host a party.
You have no idea how hard it is to host a party for your parents and their cat.
-------
I've had this written for a while, just couldn't remember to post it. Oh well! Just so you know, if my story seems similar to other's stories, I didn't steal their ideas!
I haven't read anyone's stories in here, because I don't want to accidentally steal ideas, although I wouldn't do it on purpose (spelling?). But accidents do happen when writing, you know!\
Excuse my typographical (spelling?) errors, I was enjoying a huge Macadamia Nut cookie I made. It was still warm and gooey (ooohhh yummy!*droolz*) I miss my cookie....
Oh well. Good luck to everyone here. I probably won't win, but I think this is good writing experience, and I will learn from my mistakes and from others's.
So how is everyone doing? Well I hope you are well. Tell your Mothers I say hello!
Smooches,
Neato Bandito
(do you like my nice little name for myself?)
Last edited by chiacutie on Tue Jun 13, 2006 7:34 pm; edited 1 time in total
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The Powers That Be Respected Citizen
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Posted: Wed Jun 14, 2006 5:17 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, eight entries. Is that a record?
I read your story several times, chiacutie, planning to do an editing pass, but I'm afraid I'm defeated. I simply can't make head or tail of it - my only advice is that you spend a lot more than the 300 words you've used to make your story a bit less...incoherent. If I'm just missing the point, hopefully someone else will jump in with something more useful. _________________ Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway!
Got a problem? Write to Dear Dotty!
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chiacutie Guest
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Posted: Wed Jun 14, 2006 5:46 pm Post subject: |
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There is no point, that's why!
It was just me being stupid!
And who cares if I only used 300 words (is that all)?
I mean, it was just boredum, gosh!
p.s. no comments on my siggy Im working on it!
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The Powers That Be Respected Citizen
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Posted: Wed Jun 14, 2006 7:45 pm Post subject: |
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chiacutie wrote: | I think this is good writing experience, and I will learn from my mistakes and from others's. |
chiacutie wrote: | There is no point, that's why!
It was just me being stupid!
I mean, it was just boredum, gosh! |
*wanders off, scratching head* _________________ Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway!
Got a problem? Write to Dear Dotty!
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Phang Elder
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Posted: Thu Jun 15, 2006 9:01 am Post subject: |
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The Powers That Be wrote: | General comments: what's the rush? This clocks in at 800 or so words and strikes me as a sketch. I would have liked to see more to the story (what's the purpose of the program, for instance). |
Don't diss compact.
The Powers That Be wrote: | Quote: | And [lose the and] Key’s king chess piece was the latest fashion. No, it wasn’t moulded to his head at all, don’t worry. [and lose this whole sentence] |
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That was, sort of, sarcasm in the narrative or something.
Other than that, some good suggestions. I'll edit it when* I have time.
*If _________________ Stuff here
Da Huuuuub
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chiacutie Guest
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Posted: Sat Jun 17, 2006 5:32 pm Post subject: |
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okay, powers, you dont get it do you?
Okay, my story was supposed to be stupid, I wrote it because I was bored-however I cna learn from this because people will make comments and also I can read other people's storys. Do you understand now?
Btw, Im mad at you! You didn't respond to my dear dotty letter *lowers head in shame*
(just kidding, although you actually didnd't reply to mine, I know oyu have alot of writers, so Im not really mad.)
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Solomon Birch Honored Citizen
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Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 2:53 am Post subject: |
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Ok, the polls up for 5 days! So get voting you lot!
Sorry to Nalloon and Nate, but your stories had too many errors, and if afraid you've been disqualified for not attempting to correct them. _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot
Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here
The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9
Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3
The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3
One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3
Green Eyes - Chapter 5
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Shady Stoat Elder
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Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 2:56 am Post subject: |
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The exquisite taste of Curried Catholic won me over. I'm going for Powers' blasphemous dinner party
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P.I.N.B Guest
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Posted: Tue Jun 20, 2006 7:12 pm Post subject: |
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Hiya everybody!It's chia's little sister!
Everybody vote for her story! (Not that Ive read it yet) But I will...Eventually...
She told me not to vote but I will anyways!
And She said she named the main charactor after me!! Yay!!(I don't know why that makes me so happy!)
Sniffles,
Tika
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Solomon Birch Honored Citizen
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Posted: Wed Jun 21, 2006 2:02 am Post subject: |
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Hey P.I.N.B.
Now, I don't want to sound rude, but I'd like to clarify something.
P.I.N.B: when you say
Quote: | Everybody vote for her story! (Not that Ive read it yet) |
I wan't to make sure that, before voting, you read all the stories, not just your sisters. If you did, then that's fine, but if not, it undermines the whole point of the competition, and I think you'd agree that was something that should be avoided. What's the point in entering the competition if it isn't worth anything, to know your writing was appreciated by others, and not just a 'lets win the vote' competition?
If you have, then slap my wrist and call me Sandy, but, as the dude running the comp, I just wanted to make this clear. Thankees! :biggrin: _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot
Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here
The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9
Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3
The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3
One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3
Green Eyes - Chapter 5
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Solomon Birch Honored Citizen
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Posted: Wed Jun 21, 2006 2:05 am Post subject: |
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Though I too loved Power's crazy tale, I have to say that Shady's tentacle sex *ahem* won me over. I mean, come on.... you see what I mean don't you?! DON'T YOU?
*runs off screaming madly* :biggrin: _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot
Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here
The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9
Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3
The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3
One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3
Green Eyes - Chapter 5
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Smee Revered IFian
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Posted: Wed Jun 21, 2006 2:12 am Post subject: |
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ooh - Someone voted for mine
My vote went to Powers - a fascinatingly original story.
Good luck everyone ![Smile](images/smiles/icon_smile.gif) _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
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Stubby Guest
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Posted: Sun Jun 25, 2006 5:04 am Post subject: |
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Darnit - missed the vote.
oh well, if you're looking for a tiebreaker for the result - I would have voted for Powers's story if I'd got here in time.
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Smee Revered IFian
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Posted: Sun Jun 25, 2006 5:05 am Post subject: |
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OK the Poll seems to have closed earlier that it was supposed to...
Anyone who is still to vote, but can't - please post your vote here and it will be counted.
Poll closes tomorrow.
Cheers ![Very Happy](images/smiles/icon_biggrin.gif) _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
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The Powers That Be Respected Citizen
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Posted: Sun Jun 25, 2006 8:53 pm Post subject: |
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Well, I thoroughly enjoyed Shady's story, but I see that a vote for her won't help settle matters. Therefore, I will cast my vote (it's still the 25th here) for....me!
*imagines wearing the Belt and drools* _________________ Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway!
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Chinaren Hallowed IFian
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Posted: Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:10 pm Post subject: |
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Well, just to complicate things, if Powers can do it, so can I! (Vote for me that is).
Looks like I came back just in time! Good job you posted this Powers, it was right at the top of the recently posted list. Otherwise I may not have seen it until too late. ![Shocked](images/smiles/icon_eek.gif) _________________ Neil Hartley Books.
My Amazon page.
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The Powers That Be Respected Citizen
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Posted: Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:17 pm Post subject: |
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'Twas a calculated risk, China: Stubby put me one up, but there was always the chance you'd tie it up before I went to bed - this way, we cancel each other out. _________________ Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway!
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Smee Revered IFian
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Posted: Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:18 pm Post subject: |
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With stubby's vote on the previous page I'm currently looking at a one vote lead for Powers.
Final call for votes. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
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Chinaren Hallowed IFian
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Posted: Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:20 pm Post subject: |
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Smee wrote: | With stubby's vote on the previous page I'm currently looking at a one vote lead for Powers.
Final call for votes. |
*Shakes fist* ![Wink](images/smiles/icon_wink.gif) _________________ Neil Hartley Books.
My Amazon page.
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chiacutie Guest
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Posted: Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:26 pm Post subject: |
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You don't have to count my sister's vote, she is too obnoxious!
*Puts bandaid on Soily's wrist*
Tika, go back to neopets and stop trying to tell your friends to go vote for me!!!!I'm going to tell mom!
So there.
Anyways, Chin, I tried to read your story, I did, but mom caught me reading that with Tika and we got in trouble. but I like it already cuz my mom hated it so it must be good! She blocked that page, by the way!
Oh well
Smooches,
Neato Bandito
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Chinaren Hallowed IFian
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Posted: Sun Jun 25, 2006 9:29 pm Post subject: |
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Quote: | Anyways, Chin, I tried to read your story, I did, but mom caught me reading that with Tika and we got in trouble. but I like it already cuz my mom hated it so it must be good! She blocked that page, by the way! |
Kool! I wuz blocked! Must be doing something right. ![Wink](images/smiles/icon_wink.gif) _________________ Neil Hartley Books.
My Amazon page.
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Shady Stoat Elder
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Posted: Mon Jun 26, 2006 1:40 am Post subject: |
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(almost) Thanks, Powers
And since it's the 26th now, congratulations on winning the Linear belt for the month.
(Soily - start running....)
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Chinaren Hallowed IFian
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Posted: Mon Jun 26, 2006 2:45 am Post subject: |
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Congrats Powers!
Let's see you come up with another good comp for next month. This one certainly was the best I have seen in some time here. Well done for that Soily! _________________ Neil Hartley Books.
My Amazon page.
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Solomon Birch Honored Citizen
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends
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Posted: Mon Jun 26, 2006 12:50 pm Post subject: |
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*takes a bow*
Thank you all! I'm just so glad so many turned out, and some of the entries were very very good! :biggrin:
*dives down hole, laughing manically as he goes*
Muwahahaha! You shall never have the belt powers, 'tis all mine I say! AHAHAHHA! ![Very Happy](images/smiles/icon_happygoblin.gif) _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot
Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here
The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9
Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3
The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3
One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3
Green Eyes - Chapter 5
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Smee Revered IFian
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Joined: 16 Oct 2004
Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends
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Posted: Mon Jun 26, 2006 1:27 pm Post subject: |
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Well done Powers - a well earnt victory.
*watches Soily scurry off with the belt* ![Razz](images/smiles/icon_sillyjester.gif) _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
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The Powers That Be Respected Citizen
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Joined: 19 May 2005
Posts: 545 Location: Santa Monica, CA Items Legends
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Posted: Mon Jun 26, 2006 7:56 pm Post subject: |
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*slowly walks over to hole, fills hole with clean clean water, watches Soily jump screaming out of next hole over, grabs belt from distracted Soily*
Thank you so much for the...hey, this thing is filthy! It's going to take me all month just to get the grime and muck off of this!
I'm glad you all enjoyed my little story. In appreciation, I now offer to give away my 100 Fable prize! All you have to do is answer these little questions about my story. (It's kind of like the Storygame Quiz, except no limit on how many questions you can answer). Here goes.
For 10 Fables
Who are the professors on Mr. Goddard's Defense Committee named after?
For 20 Fables
What is the significance of Mr. Goddard's initials, and what is the 5-syllable word commonly used to refer to them?
For 30 Fables
Who is Philip Johnson and what's his connection with this story?
For 40 Fables
Who was J.B.S. Haldane and what's his connection with this story?
Enjoy! Oh, and I'll start the July contest on Friday, July 1st, so we can get this competition on a regular monthly schedule.
Thanks again! _________________ Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway!
Got a problem? Write to Dear Dotty!
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Shady Stoat Elder
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Joined: 02 Oct 2005
Posts: 2950 Location: England Items Legends
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Posted: Mon Jun 26, 2006 10:23 pm Post subject: |
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JBS Haldane - an evolutionary biologist and geneticist. British, too *feels uncommonly patriotic all of a sudden*
"If one could conclude as to the nature of the Creator from a study of his creation it would appear that God has a special fondness for stars and beetles."
(but don't give me fables for it, the fun was in looking the answers up)
I got the other ones too (one of them I didn't even need to reference), but why should I have all the fun?
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LordoftheNight Revered IFian
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Joined: 11 Aug 2005
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Posted: Tue Jun 27, 2006 4:19 am Post subject: |
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Well, the one I can do without looking
Y.H.W.H.
When God was asked who he was, he replied - 'I am who I am.' or 'I am that I am.'
In Hebrew this is YHWH. With vowels added, this is Yahweh. Pronouced ya-hoo-os-u-a.
Also known as Jehovah.
____________________________
And, because I'm bored - the professors are named after famous Iron Chef's or challengers, from the Japanese show - Iron Chef _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom.
Ave Dominus Nox
A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi
Blood Bowl
Scraping the Barrel
A Tale of Four Swords
Passion
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The Powers That Be Respected Citizen
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Posted: Tue Jun 27, 2006 6:05 am Post subject: |
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Forty Fables to Shady.
Hmm, that wasn't quite what I was looking for, lordofthenight. There's a completely separate 5-syllable word that is used to refer to these letters - I wasn't looking for a pronunciation of them. Plus, I've never heard the 5-syllable pronunciation you've proposed, and can't find any independent confirmation (usually, it's a 3- or 4-syllable pronunciation).
But you do get 20 Fables for the Iron Chef answer (some of them are chefs from Iron Chef America). _________________ Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway!
Got a problem? Write to Dear Dotty!
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Smee Revered IFian
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Joined: 16 Oct 2004
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Posted: Tue Jun 27, 2006 12:18 pm Post subject: |
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"Phillip Johnson, a law professor who was a clerk to Chief Justice Earl Warren, is the author of Darwin on Trial and is one of the founders of the "Intelligent Design" movement."
Not a movement I'm a fan of...
*wanders off muttering about irreducible complexity * _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
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The Powers That Be Respected Citizen
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Posted: Tue Jun 27, 2006 6:25 pm Post subject: |
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30 Fables for Smee.
And a hint for lordy (and Shady, apparently): It starts with a 'T'. _________________ Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway!
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Solomon Birch Honored Citizen
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Posts: 1562 Location: England..... but Japan beckons..... Items Legends
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Posted: Wed Jun 28, 2006 4:27 am Post subject: |
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That film is the sh!t! So good! :biggrin: *dances* _________________ "Humankind cannot stand too much reality" - T.S. Elliot
Thesopholis - A Noir Sci-Fi Story - Chapter 8 is up! Read it here
The End of the Voyage - Chapter 9
Shady the Furry Goblin! [Demon's, Satan and Slobadan Milosevic!] - Chapter 3
The Quest for the Legendary Rubber-Duckie! - Chapter 3
One Last Bullet.... Chapter 3
Green Eyes - Chapter 5
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The Powers That Be Respected Citizen
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Posted: Wed Jun 28, 2006 5:21 am Post subject: |
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lordofthenight wrote: | Tetragrammaton? |
And Lordy gets the last 10 Fables. (I accidentally gave you 20 for the 10-point question before - fortunately, you answered both of them). _________________ Abduction! is in the Stasis Hall, but read it anyway!
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Who should win June's linear competition? |
Phang and her "Still has a few bugs..." I like bugs! |
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11% |
[ 1 ] |
Shady and her "A Family Occasion" They're just are so awkward! |
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11% |
[ 1 ] |
Powers is going straight to hell with his blasphemous tale of Curried Catholics! |
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22% |
[ 2 ] |
Chinaren contains ADULT LANGUAGE! Be careful when voting Chinaren, you may be offended. |
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22% |
[ 2 ] |
Smee's been INVITED ROUND TO TEA. Do they know what they've let themselves in for? |
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11% |
[ 1 ] |
Chiacutie likes cats and people called Tika! Don't ask me... |
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22% |
[ 2 ] |
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Total Votes : 9 |
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