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Beyond the Darkness - Chapter 7 now here (14th May) Goto page 1, 2, 3  Next   (currently a favorite of )    Storygames Home -> -> The Vault View previous topic :: View next topic   Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Oct 25, 2007 4:52 am    Post subject: Beyond the Darkness - Chapter 7 now here (14th May) Ok sat at work I decided I wanted to start a new Storygame. It's as optimistic as it is cruel to expect a rush of readers to return to my last one after over a year with no chapters and 19 or so to catchup/re-read. I let my fingers start typing, and this is what appeared... lets find out where it goes together. Introduction It was maddenly frustrating. Sej threw down the quill in disgust, ink splattering across several sheets of thin parchment spread haphazardly across the table. Youthful hands, equally ink stained, thrust through his thick brown hair as he tried to contain his irritation. Why! Why couldn't he manage to finish one page, just one single page, without being dissatisfied and tearing it up? How many ten-a-penny authors out there could churn out book after book when someone as educated as himself couldn't finish one page! He stood up quickly, dark eyes intent on the half-filled bottle of whiskey which sat waiting on the nearby shelf. His chair, forced back so suddenly, teetered teasingly on two legs for a second and then crashed to the floor. The shock of sound jolted Sej and he jumped unconsciously, his arms flinging outwards in fright. His flailing hand hit the small bottle of ink on his desk and he watched as it flew across the room and smashed spectacularly against the opposite wall in a spray of blue and glass. "Oh, that's just perfect!" He exclaimed out loud to himself angrily. He waved one hand towards the wall meaninglessly as if to deny the situation ever occurred, and completed his journey to the shelf to pour himself a generous double. The fiery spirit slid effortlessly down his throat, heating his chest with a soft warmth as he knocked back half the measure. A couple of deep breaths and he finished off the second half with a brief shudder. Dumping the glass back on the tray next to the bottle, he squinted menacingly toward his desk, and moved back towards it purposely. He bent down to right his chair when a strange glint of light caught his eye. It came from the direction of the growing patch of dark ink spreading across the stained wooden floor. He stared at it. Like an inky pool of darkness, not a trace of a reflection from the candle-lit room could be seen with in it. Dismissing the matter, he turned back to the chair, still feeling the burn of the whiskey in his throat and enjoying the growing numbness in his head. There it was again. Some strange flash of colour, yellow, almost gold. His eyes flicked back to the ink stain. Aside from being half again as big as before from the added ink sliding down the wall, it was just as dark and dull. What was he missing? Shaking his head in a bid to clear his thoughts he picked up the chair and sat down in it again. Once more he faced the ranks of blank parchment in front of him. Internally he begged inspiration to come whilst a separate nagging voice instead demanded another whiskey. He blocked out the voice, determined not to finish another evening unconscious on his bed, and reached into a drawer for another bottle of ink. Glint. The flash was definitely gold, and maybe a hint of red? He turned again to where it came from, his eyes desperately seeking confirmation. Nothing! But then Sej saw that once again the ink stain had grown, and now it was beyond the realistic. It had only been a small bottle of ink, there shouldn't have been that much pooling on his floor! It was so still and featureless, it almost seemed to be a hole. A pitch black hole, right in his floor. Of course that was nonsense. He was on the first floor. Such a hole would open on the dining room below, and the candles down there would still be lit. Surely he'd see the soft glow eminating from them, instead of such a thick blackness. Glint This time he was already staring directly at it. He'd seen the flash blink invitingly from the direct centre of the pool. Without knowing how, he found himself on hands and knees crawling toward the ink. Glint So pretty. Must touch it. Sej was on the edge. He reached out toward the middle, trying to get closer ready for the next flash. Further and further he leaned, his arm stretching as much as he could, his knees as close to the edge as he could get them without the risk of staining. Glint He stretched... and fell into blackness. ~ Chapter 1 - Falling He was halfway to uttering a curse, wholly expecting to imminently soak his arm in ink, when his outstretched hand passed through where the floor should have been. His arm followed, the rest of his body swiftly after. The darkness shrouded him instantly. It covered him as thickly as a blanket, allowing no glimmer of direction or location. There was no sensation of wetness, such an odd thought passing through his mind unbidden. Neither was there the feeling that he was falling either. No wind rushing past his ears, no coldness. He simply hung there, suspended by darkness. There was no sound. He was fairly sure he was trying to scream, he thought his mouth was open. But the darkness was so thick it smothered sensations as easily as it smothered sound. The thought continued. He couldn't feel any part of his body. He was just a thought, a thought floating in the black. Would it go on forever? Had he died? Was this what the afterlife was like? He tried to think back to what had happened. Had something killed him? He remembered his room, his office for writing. He remembered the smashed bottle of ink. He remembered the glints, the flashes of colour. Had something entered his room and killed him as he crouched on the floor? For some reason it was difficult to think, like he had to push on the darkness to let any thought flow. The door! The door to his office was thick oak and he always locked it. No one would have been able to enter without disturbing him. It was so hard to think now. The blackness pushing harder. What had he been thinking about? His name? What was his name? ~ Sej felt his eyes opening. The light hurt, and he closed them again, wincing in pain. How could anything be so bright? Tears streamed down his face as he fought to block his vision from the agony. His hands appeared from somewhere and he managed to put them over his face, plunging himself once again into blissful darkness. He lay there for a few minutes, breathing heavily as he recovered. Finally his mind began to work. He was lying on something hard, but not cold. Wooden he thought. What had happened? The memories came back. The ink stain, the glint. The darkness! He must be lying on his floor he decided. Lying on the hard wood floor of his office, past out from too much whiskey. He cracked his fingers slightly apart and felt the light assault his eyes again through the thin membrane of his eyelids. Slowly he moved his hands away, allowing his eyes to adjust to the brightness. His mind screamed for the comfort of the darkness again, but he pressed on. His hands had moved away and now he parted his eyelids, ever so slightly. The pain reignited and he shut them again, waiting some few seconds. He tried again. For over twenty minutes he carefully tried to coax his eyes into accepting the light so he could look around. Eventually he peered through tear-blurred vision at the single lone candle producing such devastating quantities of light. With a grunt he sat up and looked about. It most definitely wasn't his office. The sphere of light from the candle only pushed the darkness back a few feet in each direction. Sej felt the ground with his hand. Not wood, some kind of stone, rough like sandpaper, but warm! Looking down to get more detail from the stone, he noticed his clothing. Gone was his elegant white shirt, and fine tunic. He was wearing some kind of leather pants, with a rough cotton shirt, so dirty it might have been any colour. His silk slippers had vanished leaving his feet bare, but strangely filthy, as if he'd spent half a day walking through heavy mud. A clunky looking dagger was attached to the left side of a thick leather belt. A kind of panic started to grip him, and he stumbled to his feet, casting around for any kind of explanation. The candle was resting on a small barrel set on the stone floor. The light didn't give any indication how large the cave was, ending abruptly in the kind of solid darkness he could vaguely remember from the fall. Something jostled gentle against his chest, and he looked down to see a quill fastened crudely around his neck by a piece of string. A sudden sound, a crash in the darkness behind him made him look up sharply before he could examine the quill further. A shout followed in a language Sej didn't recognise, but the tone universally announced the speaker was cursing rather vehemently. "Oi, quick, blow out the candle or he'll see us!" A second voice lept from the darkness only a few feet away. It was strangely high pitched and squeaky, and sounded anxious. "Quickly boy! Blow it out!" The same voice hissed in a low whisper. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Last edited by Smee on Wed May 14, 2008 5:52 am; edited 21 times in total Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Oct 25, 2007 5:03 am    Post subject: Not only does he comes back, but he starts a SGame too! Well written start there Smee! Very nice. And intreiging* too! Well, mmm. I'd say he was confuddled enough to do as they say. The urgency in their voice may well get through to him where the surroundings don't. Yet. ~Looks forward to the next chapter~ *However you spell that. _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Mephistopheles Respected Citizen Joined: 24 May 2007 Posts: 612 Location: Not where I want to be. Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Oct 25, 2007 5:48 am    Post subject: Wow, this almost makes me think that i should have read your other sg a while ago. nicely done. I guess that he can blow out the light and risk the other person within the cave being not friendly,and not visible in the dark, either, or he could draw his knife and prepare for battle while retaining the light, thereby able to see all possible opponents. _________________ Cause I am, whatever you say I am If I wasn't, then why would I say I am? I don't know, it's just the way I am. eminem without the threat of death, there is no reason to live at all marilyn manson Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Oct 25, 2007 8:50 am    Post subject: I don't think he's likely to blow out his only source of light that quickly, especially not after his ordeal in the dark. Instead, I think he'd try calling out, to start a conversation with anyone else in the room. _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Argonaut Mercenary Artist Joined: 11 May 2006 Posts: 344 Location: California Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Oct 25, 2007 9:42 am    Post subject: I'd go with calling out, everyone knows it's standard procedure when you've fallen into a fantasy world to blunder around in disbelief, asking everyone how to get back to your street and wondering why they all have pointy ears and I'm a sucker for the classics. Back to top Author Lilith Honored Citizen Joined: 10 Feb 2007 Posts: 1597 Location: Happily curled up in a Daemon's lap Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Oct 25, 2007 12:57 pm    Post subject: Hrm........ Friend or foe, that's the question. I say he takes the candle (which I hope is in a holder of some sort so he doesn't burn himself.. or maybe he does.. hrm.. ) to prevent the others from blowing it out, however much it may hurt his eyes, and chase them down. He has questions, they have answers. _________________ © 2007-2019 Lilith Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Oct 25, 2007 6:58 pm    Post subject: Ok. Various errors, but altogether not a sloppy start. Quote: He stood up quickly, dark eyes intent on the half-filled bottle of whiskey sat waiting on the nearby shelf. Missing a 'which'. Quote: The chair teetered teasingly on two legs for a second and then crashed to the floor. The shock of sound jolted Sej and he jumped unconsciously, his arms flinging outwards in fright. He felt the contact, instinctively knew what it was, but could no more do anything about it than he could stop the sun. The small bottle of ink flew across the room and smashed spectacularly against the opposite wall in a spray of blue and glass. Are we obeying the laws of gravity here? A chair totters and falls, and a bottle of ink is propulsed across the room? Also, there's no previous description of the ink bottle's location. Was it on the chair or on the table? I'm guessing it was on the chair, but you need to make the whole situation more understandable. Quote: Definitely gold, and maybe some red. He turned to it, eyes desperately seeking confirmation. Nothing. But the colours were forgotten when Sej saw that once again the stain had grown, and now it had grown beyond the realistic. Over here, the subject of the first two sentences is somewhat confusing. It could be either the ink stain, or the glint which is compelling the character to turn and observe it. In any case, the glint comes out of nowhere, without much explanation or transition. Although it's acceptable, personally, I would probably smooth out the transition. Quote: A hole would lead to the dining room, and the candles down there wouldn't have burnt out yet. This also threw me off for a couple of seconds. The candles wouldn't have burnt out, therefore there would still be light shining from the first floor. Make the connection. Quote: He was halfway to uttering a curse, wholly expecting to be imminently soaked in ink, when his outstretched hand passed through where the floor should have been. Halfway through uttering a curse. Also, avoid use of passive verbs, if you can. e.g- ...wholly expecting to imminently soak his arm in ink... Quote: Silk slippers were replaced by his bare feet, looking as dirty as his shirt in the flickering light. Were his feet visible in the flickering light, or was it his shirt? Try this: His silk slippers were replaced by his bare feet, which under the flickering light appeared as dirty as his shirt. Or something like that, anyway. Just make sure you make the subject clear. Maybe you should just omit any unnecessary descriptions and construct a simple sentence: His silk slippers were replaced by his dirty feet. The DP was good, though. I would not blow out the candle. Anyway, you may feel free to dismiss my corrections if you want. They may seem somewhat tough, and the story was good, anyway. Glad to see you back, Smee. _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author Crunchyfrog Honorable IFian Joined: 12 Dec 2006 Posts: 3998 Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Oct 26, 2007 12:14 am    Post subject: Hmm, is there something special about the candle that it brings so much light, or is it just that his eyes had become accustomed to sheer darkness for so long? The sphere of light does not extend far, and tapers off at the limb dramatically. The air is clean of dust, and the cave must be extremely big for the walls not to reflect back any light. And a question - really the only fault I could pick out... How did he come to assume he was in a cave, when he can see nothing but the barrel and the ground? Echoes from the voices and sounds around him might have given him a clue, but this was mentioned after his assumption that he was in a cave. The intruder can probably already see him. He is within the sphere of light. (We know this because he can see his own clothing) The squeaky voice is not, so move towards the squeaky voice, out of the light. The intruder will need light to see, and will have to reveal itself if it is to use the candle to search with. So that's what I say, move towards the squeaky voice. Apart from your entry to A Telling Tale earlier this year, this is the first chance I've had to read any of your stuff, and I found this to be an enjoyable read. It flowed beautifully and the imagery was great. Looking forward to seeing some more! Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Oct 26, 2007 12:45 am    Post subject: Thanks everyone for your comments... it's nice to be back, even if it's in a fairly limited fashion compared with before. @ Dani : Thanks for those corrections. Of course I'm not going to ignore them. I hold no illusions against my need to improve, just like anyone here. I'm just glad I seem to have finally nailed that tense issue that plagued me when I first started The Time Before. So on to the next. It seems 'passive verbs' is going to be my next challenge. I recognise the alteration when you point it out, but just like tenses I need to spot myself making the error, and how to fix it. Something to work on. Cheers. ~ @Crunchie : It's just his eyes getting used to the light again. Although the candle is indeed not lighting as far as one might expect. The darkness is still strangely 'thick'. The assumption of cave... it was more an assumption of the narrator than Sej, but I'd say from the warm stone floor, to the stillness of the air, cave is an easier concept to grasp than something more alien. I'll see if I can add something to it, to make it a more fair assumption. Small echo's are indeed the simplest way of doing that. Although if it's supposed to be still and calm with no wind, then I need to get rid of the 'flickering light'. Glad you enjoyed it. ~ I will be putting up a poll towards the end of the weekend. I'm deliberately waiting a little longer than I will normally. The first chapter is important for pulling in a regular auidence when there's no catchup overhead. Plus I need to think about this idea a bit. Unlike Time Before that had a lot of back story, not to mention an entire world and magic system already created, this I know little more than has already been said in Chapter 1. I'm not sure what sort of concept I'm aiming for at the moment. Once we're into Chapter 2 and beyond I'm less likely to pick up new readers, so we'll move a little faster. Very nice to have 8 comments so soon. Happy Playing _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author LordoftheNight Revered IFian Joined: 11 Aug 2005 Posts: 5276 Location: Hell Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Oct 26, 2007 5:14 am    Post subject: I just reread the story, with the edits you made. I don't know - I thought beforehand that the almost unexplained bits actually added to the story - made it kinda surreal, while still letting you know what was going on. Now it seems clearer, but I wouldn't necessarily say that was a good thing. _________________ Punishment leads to Fear. Fear leads to Obedience. Obedience leads to Freedom. Therefore, Punishment leads to Freedom. Ave Dominus Nox A Fronte Praecipitium a Tergo Lupi Blood Bowl Scraping the Barrel A Tale of Four Swords Passion Back to top Author Whisperer Resident Joined: 09 May 2007 Posts: 41 Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Oct 26, 2007 8:57 am    Post subject: Im going to take the opportunity of getting into this story from the first chapter. I agree with Crunchy, go towards the voice, when you don't know where you are it is always good to find yourself an ally that may know what you are up against. I did have the same question about the cave, but you have cleared that up. I thought I had missed something in the story. Back to top Author Rune Citizen Joined: 20 Mar 2007 Posts: 285 Location: Get Lost. Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Oct 26, 2007 9:24 am    Post subject: Smee wrote... Quote: The chair teetered teasingly on two legs for a second and then crashed to the floor. The shock of sound jolted Sej and he jumped unconsciously, his arms flinging outwards in fright. He felt the contact, instinctively knew what it was, but could no more do anything about it than he could stop the sun. The small bottle of ink flew across the room and smashed spectacularly against the opposite wall in a spray of blue and glass. And D-Lotus said... Quote: Are we obeying the laws of gravity here? A chair totters and falls, and a bottle of ink is propulsed across the room? Also, there's no previous description of the ink bottle's location. Was it on the chair or on the table? I'm guessing it was on the chair, but you need to make the whole situation more understandable. I say- Gravity obeyed. If the reader found a need to have the ink bottles location described then why not the chair as well? Unless it was necessary to point out the ink bottles location, then I doubt anyone was assuming the bottle was located on a bed, ceiling, birdcage or windowsill as these things would have been mentioned in the general description and therefor had some effect on the events in the story or our understanding of the character (ie, he'd be sitting at the windowsill trying to write-making him appear odd or curious and as that is not commonplace noting the ink bottle being placed there is a feasible point then). It looks to me as though unnecessary description of commonsense things is being requested and here is what it would look like (though I exaggerate): His chair was on the floor and he sat, with his butt, in the chair and placed the ink bottle at the desk on it's top near the left side. Finally, he got bored and stood with his feet on the floor and headed to the door which was located on a wall in the room which happened to have four walls and not the unexpected five or six. Later, he returned to the room by walking on his feet on a floor and reached into his pocket on his pants on the left side (since his pants had a right side pocket and two backside pockets) and got out his keys (to his apartment and not his car, or motorcycle or girlfriend/boyfriends house). He then unlocked the door using the keys he had just pulled from the previously described pants which he happened to be wearing as these were not pants he was carrying with him. Using the keys, he placed them into the keyhole located on his apartment door and opened it (it being the door and not the keyhole). He then walked into the room of his apartment using his legs and feet and closed the door that he had just opened using his left hand. Then turning around 180 degrees from the position of facing the door he went to lay on his bed located in the corner of the room opposite the door which he had just unlocked, opened, closed and now was walking away from. He pulled the covers (covers which had been placed on the previously mentioned bed at an earlier date by him) over his own body and closed his very own eyes of which he had two so he closed just two. My point? He's sitting at his desk. He's sitting in his chair. His ink bottle is logically at his desk. There are your abc's. I doubt Smee is just trying to increase his word count so there is little need for him to explain what we should already know or be able to figure out. Smee wrote... Quote: Silk slippers were replaced by his bare feet, looking as dirty as his shirt in the flickering light. And D Lotus said... Quote: Were his feet visible in the flickering light, or was it his shirt? Try this: His silk slippers were replaced by his bare feet, which under the flickering light appeared as dirty as his shirt. Or something like that, anyway. Just make sure you make the subject clear. And here is what I have to say... Smee tells us that the silk slippers had been replaced by bare feet which were (the feet) looking as dirty as his shirt (we can assume was being worn) in the flickering light. So we know that there is light and that through the use of the word 'look' that the audience or character are therefor able to see these things. It is not an exclusively omniscient observation. So in answer to your question (unless I am wrong) both his feet and shirt are clearly stated as being visible. Changing the sentence just to make it so that the reader thinks less may or may not do the story any justice and may not help the authors style. There is a time to be overtly clear and a time where a writer is free to just write. I think this is one of those times where being overtly clear would be both insulting to the readers intelligence and wasteful of the authors time and effort. And the subject was clear. Slippers were replaced by bare feet and the shirt was a reference for the subject. He compared the feet to the shirt. The use of the comma followed by a definite subject is generally a good indicator. Not always the case (English can be tricky) but this was a pretty cut and dry one. There are a lot of superior and more easily typed sentences that could be used if trying to make the shirt the main subject of the sentence. Smee- Don't change those things. Please. If we are applying the energy to read the words you write, then we can apply the energy to think about what is being read through use of common sense or use of a few additional brain cells. I found the story modestly interesting and figure that I'll see what happens next. I think I might possibly like your style. I could say more bu will reserve that potential comment for a later date if prudent. As to everyone assuming the character is afraid of the darkness, I thought it was pretty obvious at this point that that could not be further from the truth. He's more than happy to snuff out that candle and his eyes are adjusted to the light so that he can see. If he could, I am fairly sure he'd shut them again. Several lines in the story even point to it pretty clearly. My guess is that the character can probably see in the dark even but due to our author having kept the protagonists eyes shut during the recent darkness, we 'technically' don't know that. Also- sorry if I am spoiling anything Smee. Lotus' comments riled up my brain (I can't stand the whole 'please explain everything in excessive detail' stuff-no offense D) so I'm using it a little bit. DP? Candle snuffed out. See what happens next. _________________ Just another statistic now. I'd always hoped you could be more. Haven't seen you in years. Now, only in my tears- Unseen and restless. People come and go. But hope, they'll never know- that I had for you and have still for those whom we held close. I'll see you in my thoughts and dreams. Try not worry for you- unseen. A child I knew you then- Now amongst the dead spirits of men. Live on little boy. My hopeless joy. I'll hang on if you linger. Rest your spirit with me. One friend down. Goodbye Christian. Back to top Author Masterweaver Honored Citizen Joined: 21 Nov 2006 Posts: 1463 Location: Look around Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Oct 26, 2007 2:24 pm    Post subject: I'd say throw the candle at the voice to set the speaker on fire. You're pretty confused as it is, why not kill a man? Great chappy! Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Oct 26, 2007 5:12 pm    Post subject: Rune, this is why I reminded everyone that Smee was free to ignore whatever I wrote. I knew someone was going to react in the way you did; somebody always does when I offer tough critiques. Just take it or leave it. But all the books about writing I've read, such as Sin and Sintax, or Words Fail Me, plead for clarity within writing. The fact that I, the reader, was puzzled by a certain order of events, or by subject use, or by anything else means that there exists a possibility that perhaps there was a confusing passage after all (hypothetically, of course, because I could be a brainless monkey who can't understand the most simple sentences). Quote: I think this is one of those times where being overtly clear would be both insulting to the readers intelligence and wasteful of the authors time and effort. I don't mean for Smee to sacrifice everything for the sake of clarity either. Rune, although it is true that we don't want to clutter up our writing with unnecessary words, that's not what I'm asking for here. All I've said is that there were certain parts where the story jumped a little bit awkwardly. Sure, I can figure out the meaning, but that doesn't mean Smee shouldn't make his writing better. As he has done, actually. I like the corrections, Smee, and I think it makes things much clearer. As Smee has now demonstrated, you can be clear and fabricate a good sentence nonetheless. _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author Key King Joined: 08 Feb 2004 Posts: 2652 Location: The Royal Palace Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Oct 26, 2007 9:58 pm    Post subject: Good to see you authoring again, Smee. I say blow out the candle. The intruder sounds more threatening than the squeaky voice. Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Oct 28, 2007 6:11 am    Post subject: Polls up folks _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Oct 29, 2007 1:56 am    Post subject: I'll be looking to write the next chapter tomorrow (Tuesday is my non-raid evening in WarCrack) so get those last few votes in. There's at least 2 people that've commented but not voted, so the result can still change, and 10 voters is such a nice round number. Happy Playing _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Oct 30, 2007 12:44 am    Post subject: Oooh... Twelve delicious voters. Thanks very much guys 'n' gals, a lovely welcome back. His royal highness, the King, was too busy painting the town.. erm green last night, so sadly with such a sore head this morning he didn't get round to voting. However, his highlighted choice wouldn't have changed the outcome of the vote, so the chosen option is... "Leave the candle, but move into the dark (toward the squeaky voice)?" With 6 votes. For completeness... "Blow out the candle." Received 4 votes. "Leave the candle and try to speak to the intruder." Received 2 votes ~ Next chapter on its way. *ponders* _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Kalanna Rai Assassin for Hire Joined: 21 Jan 2006 Posts: 3102 Location: The Frozen North Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Oct 30, 2007 12:59 am    Post subject: Awww...missed the vote. Oh well I await the second installment. _________________ "It's not just about living forever...the trick is living with yourself forever..." "Music makes you braver." Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Oct 30, 2007 6:00 am    Post subject: Chapter 2 : A light escape. Blow out the candle? No, that wasn't something Sej was going to do. His confused mind was still sure of one thing. There was light once again after the darkness, and he didn't intend losing it any time soon. But the cursing voice in the distance and the agitation from the nearby voice worried him too. He needed time to think, needed some quiet. Needed a drink! Without any of those luxuries he finally realised he had to do something. The squeaky voice was right about one thing. He didn't want to be seen by the cursing man. "Where are you?" He whispered toward the darkness. His few seconds of thinking had caused him to lose the direction the voice had come from. "What! Never mind where I am. Blow that candle out, he's almost here. You want us both killed!" That was all Sej needed. Crouching slightly, carefully aware as soon as he entered the darkness there could be rocks to trip over, he moved swiftly across the pool of light and plunged into the darkness where he'd heard the voice. "What are you doing!" Despite still being a whisper, the pitch had risen to such a degree it seemed to be a shout. "Get back out there." Sej cast about blindly in the darkness, trying to home in on the voice with his ears. It seemed to be coming from surprisingly low to the ground. "I need the light. I'm not blowing it out." He said stubbornly into the darkness. His outstretched hand touched something soft, furry for the briefest second before it pulled away. The next sound could have been a deep sigh. It was followed swiftly by a hissed, "you fool." Sej distinctly heard the patter of retreating feet and knew he'd be left alone. "Wait!" He called out in an urgent whisper, but only silence replied. Alone in the dark, panic reached out to him again, desperate to offer him its comfort. Sej shook his head, denying it, denying his fear. He looked around, found the pool of light with the small flame and focused on it. He was about twenty feet away, but he let the tiny light fill his eyes, absorbing all he could like a dying man in a desert slaking his thirst from some isolated oasis. "Ka BROKLZ DUZ!" The venomous shout broke through the trance-like concentration Sej had fallen in to. It was considerably closer than before. Sure enough, just seconds later he saw a figure emerge into the puddle of light ahead. First glance made him gasp in horror, some instinct causing him to clamp a hand over his mouth before the sound could escape. The figure was definitely man-like, but larger and also distinctly reptilian. A pale, white face with large orb-like eyes and a flat nose, gave way to a green-scaled neck. The jaw was slightly extended, but not enough to be considered out of place on a normal human. From the neck, the scales continued uninterrupted down a broad muscular chest, completely covering shoulders, and arms. Strangely beautiful in the light, they flashed through a thousand shades of opalescent blues and greens as they moved. Plainly human hands and fingers, as pale as the face, seemed oddly attached to the shimmering body. But the rest of the body was considerably removed from humanity. The scales continued down from the chest, covering strangely jointed legs and protruding in a long tail that shifted from left to right with a fluidity of movement that spoke of muscular control. Arched and clawed feet completed the violent looking horror standing so close. In those disturbingly human hands it carried a large metallic item awkwardly by opposite corners. One edge looked decidedly dented. That would explain the crashing sound, Sej thought to himself. Dropping that thing would definitely make a lot of noise, and considering how protective the creature was of it, clutching it so tightly, likely justified the cursing. The creature moved directly into the middle of the light, and placed its cargo down carefully, graceful with its movement. It then bent down to the ground and sniffed. Sej's eyes widened as he realised what it was doing. A horrific chill went rushing down his spine. Could it smell him? It suddenly opened its mouth, smacking its lips as if tasting the air. Sej's nightmare continued as he saw twin rows of teeth that wouldn't look out of place on a shark. The lizard-man continued sniffing and tasting the air, moving right up to the candle to sniff at its base. Panic slightly lessened its grip on Sej. He'd only been lying there moments ago. Surely if it could actually smell him, it'd have had some trace by now. He began silently willing the creature to go away, wanting only to have the freedom to go back and savour being in the light. Seemingly satisfied, the creature picked up its cargo once again and turned to go back out the way it'd come. A gently sigh of relief escaped Sej's lips. The lizard-man stopped instantly, and its head swung around to stare at the darkness, directly toward Sej. He held his breath whilst staring into those large inky eyes, holding his body statue-like. After a few seconds that felt like hours the creature seemed to dismiss the sound and continued on, out of the light and vanished. For several more minutes, Sej stayed still. Breathing as lightly as he could and straining to here anything that might announce a sudden ambush. He desperately wanted to move directly to the candle, snatch it up and explore his surrounding with light. But some inner voice warned him off. As carefully as he could, he started edging sideways through the dark. Feeling carefully ahead of him with his bare feet, he slowly moved in a wide circle around the candle. Not a single rock, or even a pebble. The warm floor was as swept smooth as any kitchen floor. His arms stretched out to either side groped for any sensation of a wall, but found only more darkness. There was simply nothing. Eventually he arrived back to where he'd started. No sound had betrayed anything waiting for him in the dark. Just as he'd decided it was finally safe to go back to the candle, and had taken a first crouching step towards the light, the familiar squeaky voice filled his ears from right beside him. "Don't. Move. An. Inch!" It whispered harshly. He stopped, his heart racing. How had it snuck up on him like that? "Everything down here can move silently if they want to," it answered, as if reading his mind. "Including the green beast you just saw." Sej gulped anxiously. "Yes, scared is good. It's still out there you know. It's far more intelligent than you realise. It picked up your scent and is waiting for you to go to the light. It knows you will." Sej tried to shake his head, but couldn't find his voice to go with it. The squeaky voice continued. "You think your clumsy patrol proved anything, except just how much noise you can make? If the beast hadn't been waiting for you to go into the light, I'm sure it would have been laughing at you." Sej found his voice, a harsh whisper. "So what's it doing now, and why have you come back?" "Despite appearances it doesn't hear too well in the dark, it can't hear us now. It relies more on sight and smell." A brief pause, a silence. Sej got the strange impression he was being scrutinised by the strange thing next to him. "You have doubts. You think Morhem is lying to you. I will prove it then. Wait here. Crouch down. Don't move. Watch the light" Before he could say anything, the feeling of the presence near him faded and Sej knew that ...Morhem had moved away. He lowered himself slowly, carefully to the ground. He settled down, hugging his legs to himself, and making himself as small as possible. His head rested on the top of his knees and he stared silently toward the candle. Without warning a rock sailed out of nowhere and landed in the middle of the lit area with a crash. Before it had even come to a rest, a flash of green flew out of the darkness after it, pouncing on it viciously. Sej had barely taken a breath before the Lizard-man's voice was cursing again, the air rent by its frustrations. "Time to get out of here." Morhem's voice appeared behind him again, the softest of whispers. Sej didn't move, eyes fixed on the angry beast in front of him. The creature swung round in its rage, and the tail caught the barrel the candle rested on. In Sej's eyes it seemed to topple over for an hour, slowly, slowly. As it fell, the candle slid to the edge and also fell. As it touched the floor time sped up again, the light winked out and the darkness consumed everything. Sej felt a furry hand grasp his own and start to pull at him. "Come, quickly. We'll be safe in the tunnel." He let himself be dragged, feeling some trust in the strange companion, but also too numb to think for himself right then. Being told what to do suited him just fine for now. He winced as he recalled how close to going back into the light he'd been. How close to death. "Faster," came the voice, no longer a whisper, but a plea. "It's coming." With those words, Sej felt the adrenaline pour into his veins and his mind cleared. He started running, terrified that it was blindly into nothing, but irreversibly relying on the guidance of the creature that called itself Morhem. Any reluctance he had to running in the dark evaporated a few seconds later when a guttural growl echoed behind him. "How... much... further?" He managed to gasp. No answer, but he felt the hand holding his own suddenly stop, and he stumbled to a halt himself, visions of running into a wall of rock filling his mind. He held out his other arm, and with some shock felt the rough edge of a wall just half a foot in front of him. The growl echoed just behind again. "Get down on your hands and knees." Morhem yelled. "The opening is just in front of you." Sej did as he was told, dropping down and reaching forward. Indeed, where higher up he'd felt wall, there was an opening at this level. He wasted no time and crawled forward. It was a tight squeeze. Almost immediately he felt his shoulders scrape along the edges. He dropped down, more on to his stomach, and pulled himself in as fast as he could. He heard Morhem follow behind, making strange little noises that somehow made Sej realise how scared it was. Why had it helped him if it was so scared? It was immediately apparent the large lizard-man would have no chance of fitting down so small a tunnel. Why leave its safety for a stranger like him? "Keep moving!" There was undisguised terror in Morhem's voice. Sej realised with a jerk he'd stopped, and quickly continued the awkward belly-crawl. After a few more minutes Morhem called out for them to halt. "We're safe now. You can take a moment to get your breathe back." Sej did just that, lying on the smooth rock floor, breathing deeply. He heard a strange scratching sound behind, from Morhem, but ignored it. The scratching stopped and then Sej heard Morhem whisper again. "Sleeeep." ~ He woke up to a strange tugging about his neck. He was lying on something soft and warm. His own bed! It was all a dream! His mind rejoiced. The tugging continued, and he opened his eyes. A small creature, a bizarre cross between a cat and a hedgehog but about 3ft in length, was sat on his chest, tugging intently on something tied around his neck. "Gimmie it, gimmie shiny pen." The voice was high pitched, and girly. Memories of his flight through the dark tunnel, of Morhem flooded back. It wasn't a dream he realised with a dejected slump, but the yanking at his neck distracted him. Before he could do anything, another figure appeared beside him. It was taller, but otherwise the same. It cuffed the thing on his chest. "Let go Pollir, that's not yours. Go see your Mother." Pollir appeared to sulk, but said nothing and reluctantly let go and clambered off Sej's chest. "Sorry about that," Morhem said. "Always such an inquisitive child." He said fondly. "Mor..Morhem?" Sej managed to say. "Yes, it's me, my friend. Glad to see you awake. I was afraid I'd knocked you out too hard back in the tunnel, but you'd gone through enough." "What did, did you do to me?" Sej stammered, still groggy from waking. Morhem waved a hand in dismissal. "Nothing much, just a small sleep spell. I'm no mage." Sej looked at Morhem. He was very similar to what seemed to be his daughter. Cat-like features, but with a fan of sharp quills on his head, where hair would normally be. He was about 4 ft tall, and covered with dark fur. "What are you?" Morhem looked put out for a second. "Well I could ask the same of you. Whatever your species, clearly you're no use in the dark, that's for sure. I'm a Katoraz... " Sej interrupted him. "A what? That's just fairytale. Where am I? What is going on?" Without the immediate fear of the dark, or the Lizard creature, a lot of oddities were beginning to demand attention in his mind. "How'd I get here? Where's my home?" "Su..su..sush, calm yourself. You're quiet safe here." Morhem said softly. "But I have no answers for you. I simply discovered you back in the Longblack, by your candle, whilst I was hunting." "But, I fell, through the hole. I was writing, but the hole, it appeared." Sej's voice was loud and anxious as he rambled. Again came the brief scratching sound, and again Morhem whispered "Sleep". ~ It was a pleasant dream. Everything was white. Bright and light and warm. Sej floated through it, relaxed and peaceful. He heard voices, distant and distorted. He thought he recognised one. A strange friend who'd saved him from death. What were they saying? So difficult to make out. He drifted closer. Moving but not moving in the vast empty white. A pinprick of black appeared in the distance. It grew bigger as he moved closer. He could hear the voices louder now. He wanted to hear them, but the black was getting bigger. It was the darkness again. He didn't want to go there. Why couldn't he stop moving? "We can't keep him here!" "It's only for a little while. Something strange has happened to him, he needs the rest." "Look at the size of him, Morhem! We can't feed something that big, we have our children to think of, and food is only getting scarcer in the Longblack." "But aren't you curious where he came from? Look at his strange pale skin. The strange, small patches of hair." The black continued to grow in his vision, all but filling his view as he rushed closer. He tried to pull back. "The only thing I'm curious about is where our next meal is coming from. I leave other such pointless wonderings to The Watcher." "The Watcher... honey, you're a genius. The Watcher. He'll have answers." "Oh no, no, no. Morhem, you're not leaving me here with the children to go trekking across half the world just to satisfy your curiosity." "Two less mouths to feed, sweetness." "And one less to collect the food. No, I forbid it." The blackness filled his vision, and unavoidably he plunged through it. "Ooh, he's awake. We'll let him decide." As Sej blundered into consciousness, he just heard the distinctly unimpressed huff as the second figure turned and walked away. Slowly Morhem’s face came back into focus. "I hope you are feeling calmer now. Exciting news. I think I know where we can get you some answers!" ~ Ok – a rather longer chapter than I wanted, but can’t be helped. So, some slight waking up to do aside, will you set off with Morhem to see The Watcher? Or will you strike out on your own, try and find your own answers? Or something else? Happy Playing _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Last edited by Smee on Tue Nov 06, 2007 7:04 am; edited 1 time in total Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Oct 30, 2007 6:18 am    Post subject: Huzzah, another chapter already! Quote: A pale, white face with large orb-like eyes and a flat nose, gave way to a green-scaled neck. LOL! I was thinking Crunchy had even invaded your chapter for a moment there! Quote: "Despite appearances it doesn't hear too well in the dark, But it hears okay in the light? DP: Mmm. I'd feel unfair taking someone who hunts for food away from his family. Maybe he could offer to help get a stockpile of food and then ask his new chum to come along? Nice chapter Smee! _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Oct 30, 2007 6:30 am    Post subject: Chinaren wrote: Quote: "Despite appearances it doesn't hear too well in the dark, But it hears okay in the light? Haha ... _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Head Eater Resident Joined: 20 May 2007 Posts: 62 Location: Hovering above your sssssskull Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Oct 30, 2007 6:48 am    Post subject: I am impresssed. Thisss hasss been promoted. - Your gracioussss Head Eater. _________________ Heads. Back to top Author Masterweaver Honored Citizen Joined: 21 Nov 2006 Posts: 1463 Location: Look around Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Oct 30, 2007 1:48 pm    Post subject: First interogate Morhem as to the nature of the world you have stumbled into. Then figure out what you want to do. Great chappy! Back to top Author Whisperer Resident Joined: 09 May 2007 Posts: 41 Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Oct 31, 2007 12:42 pm    Post subject: Smee wrote: "Su..su..sush, calm yourself. You're quiet safe here." Morhem said softly. Just a typo. Well the way I read it, it is a typo. I think before setting off anywhere with Morhem he would want to find out more about where he is. Back to top Author Crunchyfrog Honorable IFian Joined: 12 Dec 2006 Posts: 3998 Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Oct 31, 2007 1:06 pm    Post subject: Morhem has magic that he can perform over him. I get the feeling that Morhem may cast the sleep spell if he gets too stroppy. The quill in the first chapter - the one around his neck - I get the impression it was not there in his homeworld, and is part of his new attire. Also his feet are really dirty as if he'd been walking through mud, which suggests he's come through some adventure without knowing it. Perhaps the quill is something to do with that? Ask Morhem about the quill. Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Oct 31, 2007 2:28 pm    Post subject: From the first chapter ... Quote: ...The sphere of light from the candle only pushed the darkness back a few feet in each direction.... ...The candle was resting on a small barrel set on the stone floor.... Thought it was fairly clear it was sat in a small puddle of light, surrounded by the darkness? ~ Thanks for your comments guys. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Rune Citizen Joined: 20 Mar 2007 Posts: 285 Location: Get Lost. Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Oct 31, 2007 3:28 pm    Post subject: Zeph, you've been getting confused over several things lately. Are you sure it's not just you? ^_^ I had no trouble following any of it at all. But then, I could just be insane, reading an insane piece of work. Who knows. Seemed fine to me. _________________ Just another statistic now. I'd always hoped you could be more. Haven't seen you in years. Now, only in my tears- Unseen and restless. People come and go. But hope, they'll never know- that I had for you and have still for those whom we held close. I'll see you in my thoughts and dreams. Try not worry for you- unseen. A child I knew you then- Now amongst the dead spirits of men. Live on little boy. My hopeless joy. I'll hang on if you linger. Rest your spirit with me. One friend down. Goodbye Christian. Back to top Author Mephistopheles Respected Citizen Joined: 24 May 2007 Posts: 612 Location: Not where I want to be. Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Nov 01, 2007 2:17 am    Post subject: well written, though lengthy too. but you already apologized for that, so you are forgiven. anyways, everyone has come up with some great thoughts already. So, why doesn't he set off on his own, and then, guilt can force Morhem's wife to send Morhem after, to assist and guide Sej, possibly saving his life again from some unknown fiend? _________________ Cause I am, whatever you say I am If I wasn't, then why would I say I am? I don't know, it's just the way I am. eminem without the threat of death, there is no reason to live at all marilyn manson Back to top Author Rune Citizen Joined: 20 Mar 2007 Posts: 285 Location: Get Lost. Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Nov 01, 2007 6:58 am    Post subject: What the heck? Who the heck are you and what have you done with Mephy? _________________ Just another statistic now. I'd always hoped you could be more. Haven't seen you in years. Now, only in my tears- Unseen and restless. People come and go. But hope, they'll never know- that I had for you and have still for those whom we held close. I'll see you in my thoughts and dreams. Try not worry for you- unseen. A child I knew you then- Now amongst the dead spirits of men. Live on little boy. My hopeless joy. I'll hang on if you linger. Rest your spirit with me. One friend down. Goodbye Christian. Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Nov 02, 2007 5:28 am    Post subject: Last call for Poll ideas... a poll will go up likely tomorrow morning, and then close Tuesday Morning (UK time) for me to write the next chapter. So far we have thoughts along the lines of: - Offer to help stockpile some food, before going with Morhem. - Find out more about where he is. - Ask about the quill Although none of them are mutually exclusive - the decision point would be Sej's main priority. The other ideas may come up, but won't be persued too energetically. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author DELETED Guest Items Posted: Fri Nov 02, 2007 1:49 pm    Post subject: DELETED Back to top Author Masterweaver Honored Citizen Joined: 21 Nov 2006 Posts: 1463 Location: Look around Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Nov 02, 2007 1:59 pm    Post subject: Since I knoow we're all thinking it... MURDER THAT MONSTEROUS MORHEM! Ooo, alliteration. Anyways, the world's changed so much that our hero might just jump off the deep end. Just saying that to get post-halloween bloodlust out. Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Nov 02, 2007 3:25 pm    Post subject: Quote: I thought the story was great and I’ve always enjoyed Smee’s works. I guess I figured that went without saying You won't hear me complaining if you do say it _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Key King Joined: 08 Feb 2004 Posts: 2652 Location: The Royal Palace Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Nov 02, 2007 8:19 pm    Post subject: I say go to the Watcher. Better to get answers straightaway than hang out longer than necessary. Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Nov 03, 2007 2:51 am    Post subject: Poll is up for 3 days. Happy Playing. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Nov 03, 2007 3:30 pm    Post subject: It's not deliberate Zeph... I like to add nearly all options for exactly the reasons you state. Even more so in this story because I don't know where it's going anyway. I must have missed the option you're referring to, unless you mean masterweaver's murder one, which I had thought he was joking. However, that can be an option if people want _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Nov 06, 2007 12:38 am    Post subject: Poll is closed. Thanks for everyone who voted. Head straight for The Watcher as soon as possible? [ 3 ] Offer to help hunt first? [ 2 ] Ask/demand some answers about where he is? [ 2 ] With 3 votes, it has been decided that we will be heading straight to The Watcher. I'll get busy writing. Happy Playing _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Nov 06, 2007 7:08 am    Post subject: Chapter 3 : Journey beginnings "Wh, who?" Sej croaked. Morhem gentle lifted Sej's head and tilted a jug of water to his lips. "Who? Oh, oh, that's my wife. Full of life is my Margeet." He bent down close to Sej's ear to whisper. "But loves a good argument more than anything else in the land. The light bless her." Sej took a moment to gather his thoughts, using the excuse of drinking the cool sweet water to justify the silence. Vague drifting memories of the conversation a few minutes a go came back to him. "She doesn't like that you're helping me?" His voice was stronger, the water had done its job. His mind was clearing, almost as if he could feel the refreshing chill flowing through his veins. Endless questions were beginning to deluge his thoughts. Morhem again waved a hand in dismissal, and this time Sej noticed how human-like they were. The bristly fur that covered him, stopped at the wrist the same as the scales had on the lizard-man. "She's a worrier," Morhem said, "and she doesn't like strangers. She's a fierce little thing though, she protects my babies well." He added proudly. A more important question suddenly dawned on him. "Why did you help me?" "Simple enough - I had to help after you helped me." "How did I help you?" "Your light, the candle. It attracted a lot of ghinkos." "Ghinkos?" Morhem disappeared for a moment, and came back holding a fairly large brown sack of some rough-spun cloth, stuffed full of something. He reached inside and pulled out what appeared to be a black rat, although bigger than any Sej had ever seen. The eyes were larger, the tail shorter and mustard yellow in colour. "I was out hunting them. They are difficult to hunt, and getting harder. But good to eat. Your light brought them out, and dulled their senses. I filled my bag in just a few minutes, when normally a whole day might only get me half. I haven't shown my wife yet, it will calm her temper to see so much food.” Sej tried to get his head around what he was hearing. His light? His candle? Yet it wasn't. How had he got here? Where was here? Where were his clothes? How would he get back? Then he remembered what Morhem had said just as he woke up. "You mentioned somewhere we can go to find some answers?" Morhem looked curiously at him for a second. "You kept muttering in your sleep." He said finally. "Strange things about darkness and falling. About something called a 'desk' and 'ink'." He paused for a moment. And then looked at Sej with a bizarre quizzical expression that didn't quite belong on such an animalistic face. "I've seen you move in the dark. You are louder than a thousand Ghinkos. I don't understand how I could find you so deep in the Longblack still alive. Others should have found you before me." Sej couldn't help himself. "Others?" "Evil others, violent others. Strong and fast like the green beast." "I don't know how I got there either. I was in my house, in my study trying to write. When suddenly I fell. I'm not sure how. But I definitely fell...somewhere. Next thing I know, I woke up where you found me." "So strange." Morhem was shaking his head. Sej wasn't sure if he even understood everything he'd said. Certain words seemed to have no meaning to the strange little creature. "So, there is somewhere we can go to find out?" "Perhaps, perhaps. But it is a long way. Much further than Morhem have ever travelled before. We need to find The Watcher!" ~ It took what Sej understood to be two days for Morhem to prepare for leaving. Throughout the time Sej had tried to ask him for details about The Watcher, but whenever he did, Morhem simply tried to look mysterious and shrugged his shoulders. He was right about one thing though. His wife was instantly mollified by the rich hunting her husband had delivered. When she saw the sack, thin fabric bulging, she'd let out a strange squeal of delight and literally jumped into Morhem's arms. It seemed to involve more licking than anything else, but Sej managed to convince himself it was merely their form of kissing. At Morhem's insistence that it was only down to Sej's help, she became considerably more friendly towards him than first appearances. He managed to avoid the dubious pleasure of some lick-kisses, and was happy to receive a more normal hug instead; although it took some careful placement of his hands to avoid injury. Whilst Margeet has instantly set about the sack's content in what appeared to be a crude kitchen-like area , Sej had his second meeting with Morhem's daughter. She had shuffled up behind him, and now looked up at him with strangely intelligent eyes in so small a creature. Looking about, Sej realised Morhem had vanished on some errand. He was alone with her. "You're very big." She said critically. "And no spikes. How do you protect yourself?" She prodded the soft flesh of his thigh as if to make her point. "Ouch," was all he could say before her inane chatter continued, showing no interest in any answers to her questions. "I can nearly ball up now. Look, see." She'd sat down and lowered her head toward her feet. The numerous thin looking spikes on her body stood to attention, stretched tight as they were. "Go on, touch them, test them out." The high pitched voice called out the challenge, and finished with a giggle. They appeared little thicker than hairs, and Sej smiled to himself as he lowered a hand to 'test' the young Katoraz's defences. His finger touched the top of one. It wasn't hard at all, almost soft. It bent with the light pressure from his finger. She still had some maturing of her defences to do it seemed. "Oh very impressive," he started to say, humouring her as he retracted his hand. With some surprise he found the spike stuck to his finger, having pulled it away as he brought his hand back. He hadn't even felt it pierce his skin, yet when he took hold of the soft spike and pulled it off his finger, a tiny pinprick of blood glistened. He smiled, giggled, and then laughed. A few seconds later he was rolling around on the ground, tears streaming from his eyes as he laughed as hard as he ever had. "POLLIR, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!" Margeet had abandoned her preparation of the Ghinkos to come investigate the commotion. "Oh, young lady are you in trouble. What have you been told about fooling about with your spikes! They aren't toys!" Bustling over to the chortling, but entirely incapacitated Sej, she reached behind her own head and deftly plucked out a spike of her own. With casual ease she took up one of his arms and gently poked it into his skin, administering a counter to the laughing venom her daughter had tricked him into. Within a few seconds he had calmed down enough to sit up, although involuntary giggles kept erupting without warning for several hours. The very nature of the venom, meant he quite naturally couldn't stay upset at the young girl, and indeed giggled several times during her toe-addressed apology. After accepting the apology it appeared some social barrier had been broken and he and Pollir spent several hours happily chatting. She carefully explained the nature of their spikes. How they could control their hollow spikes in numerous ways, and use them to administer many different types of venom/anti-venom, although for obvious reasons the more harmful ones weren't taught to young Katoraz until their coming of age. It was fascinating to Sej - surely he was still dreaming? ~ It turned out, as distasteful as they appeared, Ghinkos when properly prepared were actually very tasty. The meat wasn't cooked, the Katoraz either having no use for, or knowledge of how to make fire. Margeet served chunks of the strangely sweet meat with a kind of salad. Few of the ingredients were recognisable to Sej, but all of them tasted familiar. The long green bean tasted bizarrely likely tomatoes. The yellow leaves were distinctly radish-like. All in all it was a pleasant and satisfying meal. Morhem was told about his daughter's misdeed during the meal, by a firmly disapproving mother. However, the sober moment was shattered by one of Sej's giggling outburst. It was contagious, and Morhem also laughed until even Margeet smiled. "Haha, you, hehe, really must, haha, be telling the truth my friend. Haha. Everyone in the land knows not to trust a young Katoraz like that. Hehehe." Despite it all, Pollir managed to continue looking contrite until her father picked her up, hugged her, and rubbed his nose against hers affectionately. To Sej's continued surprise, when they both sat down again, both father and daughter were letting out a deep rumbling sound. They were purring. ~ He slept in the same place he'd woken, and the next day was spent in much the same way. Whilst Morhem started filling various large packs he's procured from somewhere, Sej was once again with Pollir. She started telling him stories about the Longblack where her father hunted. As she'd never actually been there she didn't really tell him anything he didn't know, but it was clear the Katoraz lived in relative isolation here, and as to the rest of the world the young girl had no knowledge or interest. Her father though, she idolised. He was her hero, so bravely venturing into the danger ridden darkness to bring back food. Sej started having doubts, and feeling guilty about the journey. Later that night, when just about everything was prepared he'd spoken to Morhem. "Are you sure your family will be ok without you. How will they get food?" "Without me here, there's only Margeet, and Pollir. The baby is still on milk from his mother. The sack I brought in will last for many weeks, more if Margeet supplements it with some fresh kills of her own. She's not as good at hunting as me, but she's good enough to catch a few." "So you're absolutely sure? You could just give me directions, and I'll go myself." Morhem had laughed at that. "You wouldn't last a dayglow on your own. And that's even if you somehow managed to make your way out of the Longblack alone." Grudgingly Sej had agreed, inwardly happy that he wouldn't have to face meeting more lizard-men alone. ~ "Keep up," Morhem hissed in a near whisper, as they plunged out the tunnel and into the true dark of the 'Longblack'. Sej crawled out quickly, and gratefully rose to his feet, briefly rubbing sore knees. He felt Morhem's hand brushing his body, until it found his own hand. It grasped it tightly and then pulled. He followed as quickly, and quietly as he could, remembering the tearful departure just a few minutes ago. ~ Margeet had clutched her husbands hand, the baby held between them in her other hand as they had employed more of the lick-kisses for a few minutes. Pollir had joined them then, in a sort of group hug, involving lots of nose rubbing. When they had broken apart, tears glistened in the corners of Margeet's eyes ~ "Pay attention," Morhem hissed again. "You just kicked a rock so hard, I'm sure Margeet will have heard it!" Sej blinked pointlessly in the darkness, and concentrated, no longer letting his mind wander. For hours and hours they continued in the black silence. Not once, to Sej's senses anyway, did they come across anything else alive. After sometime it suddenly dawned on Sej that the ground was sloping ever so slightly upwards. Did he feel a draft too? Where they finally getting close? As if he'd read his mind, Morhem suddenly stopped and whispered in his ear. "Nearly there. But it's also the most dangerous. Most of the predators in here know that the best source of food is from creatures stumbling into the dark from the entrance. So most of them lie in wait. We'll have to sneak past most of them to get out." Sej shivered. What had he got himself into? How was he being led by a creature his head told him was from fairytale, through a cave of utter blackness, filled with more creatures out to eat him? With mental strength he didn't know he had, he shook off the questions. Now wasn't the time. He would find answers, but first he needed light again. He had to get out. "The path is difficult. I'm going to need your help looking out for them. I might miss some." "How can I help, I can't see anything?" Sej said helplessly. "Hmmm, we'll see if we can't do something about that." He felt Morhem's hand dragging him again and he followed, but only for a few steps. Reaching out with his spare hand, he found the wall they were now next to. From next to him, he heard the very faint scratching. Something tickled his memory. He'd heard similar scratching before. It didn't have chance to remember. A strange tingling feeling filled him. It flowed through his body, rising up from his feet until it eventually settled behind his eyes, making him feel very uncomfortable. "Well?" Came Morhem's voice. "Well what?" Sej answered. "I've just cast a very difficult spell, far more than I usually do. You should have some vision in the dark now." "No, I still can't see anything." "Open your eyes." "Oh." In his fright at the strange sensation, he realised he had closed his eyes. Not quite knowing what he was expecting, carefully he opened his eyes. It was... odd. Rather than black, there was now black, suffused with shades of grey. Shapes, forms. He raised his hand in front of his eyes. He could see it! Not the same as in light, but as a cross between an outline and a silhouette. Very strange, but it was definitely a form of vision. He looked down at Morhem, seeing the strange outline holding on to his hand. Twin pools of black, Morhem's eyes, stared back up at him. "Well?" "It's incredible!" Sej whispered. "I wouldn't go that far," the small creature said modestly. As Sej watched his face, his brain started interpreting the flicking swirls of grey more accurately. He saw an expression appearing, a sort of happy surprised look. "We should move quickly. Keep hold of my hand for now, whilst you get used to the sight." Again they moved. Sej was glad for the hand, because as soon as they started moving, the swirls of grey around him instantly became very confusing. He shut his eyes briefly, lest he become dizzy and fall over. Slowly he opened them, trying to make sense of the mass of shapes. Still moving rapidly, he tried to focus on the image of his feet. The image began to solidify properly, becoming less confusing. They turned sharply, entering a side tunnel out of what had been a large open cave. Strange patterns of grey marked the texture of the rough stone walls. By feeling the shape with his hand as he moved, he found the grey began to make sense faster. His brain was learning. They stopped suddenly. Sej beginning to breath heavily. "Hold your breathe a moment. I need to listen." Morhem's whisper was short, urgent. Sej did as he was told. Casting about in the darkness trying to see what had Morhem worried. "RUN," Morhem suddenly yelled, letting go of Sej's hand and shoving him forward in the back. "Straight forward, keep going. The entrance is straight ahead, about a thousand paces." "Why," Sej managed. "No time... GO!" Morhem almost screamed. It was then Sej heard it. A skittering sound, like many small stones falling over each other. It was coming up the tunnel, from where they'd come from. And it was coming fast. "What are you waiting for, GO! I will try to see it off." Again Morhem shoved him. Sej ran forward a few steps, but then stopped, looking back to see Morhem, and then beyond Morhem. A horror. A face of pure horror. This distance meant the grey swirls wouldn't converge into any good details, but it seemed to be some sort of giant centipede-like creature. Easily twelve feet long. It's many legs running straight toward Morhem, making the clattering stone sound he'd heard before. Images of Margeet, and Pollir flashed through Sej's mind. Then an image of a bright sun, warm blue sky. The exit was just ahead. Pollir had reduced him to a laughing wreck with just one small spike. If anything could handle that monster, it was Morhem. But what if he couldn't? Could Sej afford to lose his only guide so soon into his journey? On impulse, Sej looked down in the darkness. The grey swirls quickly identified the dagger still attached to his belt. What was he to do? _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Nov 06, 2007 7:15 am    Post subject: Nominations for SGoTM, very welcomingly received. Back to top Author algu95 Citizen Joined: 04 Mar 2007 Posts: 265 Location: Trudging around in Allwhere Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Nov 06, 2007 9:13 am    Post subject: Hmmm... Definetly an intresting SG. What he is to do? Hit and run; if he can't damage the creature in any way, run! Otherwise... KILL!!! _________________ Yes, no, what, hello? Falcon Lord, a linear story by algu! Back to top Author DELETED Guest Items Posted: Tue Nov 06, 2007 3:30 pm    Post subject: DELETED Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Nov 06, 2007 9:41 pm    Post subject: An enjoyable chapter Smee! I'm inclined to agree with the Z man for the DP. Run in from the side and do stabby. It's a good plan. Quote: Have you explained how Sej has been able to then see during his time with the family? Did I miss that somewhere? I was also wondering this. _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue Nov 06, 2007 11:10 pm    Post subject: Nope - that is indeed missed out - bleugh Morhem's home is an opening of his escape tunnel. A fairly large cave, with a small hole in the ceiling admitting a little light. Enough for a family with such excellent nightvision as the Katoraz's to see by in all the nooks and cranny's, and enough for Sej to get by in. Will have to sneak that description in somewhere... probably chapter 2. Good spot _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Mephistopheles Respected Citizen Joined: 24 May 2007 Posts: 612 Location: Not where I want to be. Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Nov 07, 2007 4:56 am    Post subject: Forward charge and stab out the eyes. they never expect you to rush in at them. Well done smee. Back to top Author Mother Goose Respected Citizen Joined: 09 May 2004 Posts: 511 Location: Connecticut Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Nov 07, 2007 6:07 pm    Post subject: Morhem told him to RUN! If the Katoraz thinks he can handle whatever is coming, why is he standing there? Doesn't he trust him? Following the advice of a native when you're in an unknown place is only common sense. Back to top Author Kalanna Rai Assassin for Hire Joined: 21 Jan 2006 Posts: 3102 Location: The Frozen North Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Nov 07, 2007 11:24 pm    Post subject: I say ready your dagger but run like hell! For just this once we'll discard the 'don't run with sharp objects rule'. Or, for a second suggestion, is there any way Sej could use the pen around his neck to help them out? _________________ "It's not just about living forever...the trick is living with yourself forever..." "Music makes you braver." Back to top Author The Dark Citizen Joined: 05 Nov 2007 Posts: 108 Location: Tome. Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Nov 08, 2007 12:33 am    Post subject: This tale is suitably gloomy. The Dark suggests he runs. This companion of his means nothing, leave him to his fate. He has served his purpose. _________________ Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Nov 08, 2007 3:59 am    Post subject: Thank you for the comments, and welcome new players At the moment we have the options : - Do as Morhem says, and Run! - Attack! Go for the sides! - Attack! Go for the eyes! Whilst some have said that the pen is mightier than the sword Kalanna... I'm not convinced now is the time to find out. The last vote perhaps would have been good. I can put it as an option to vote on, but first I need some specifics as to what he's going to have the presence of mind to try. Stab with it? Write his will? Poll goes up tomorrow sometime guys 'n' gals - so get those last ideas in. Happy Playing _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Nov 09, 2007 3:41 am    Post subject: Poll is up for 3 days folks. Fairly simplistic options, but quite vital consequences _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2007 3:03 am    Post subject: Just one more day of voting folks- when I arrive at work tomorrow morning I'll be closing read to write again. Happy Playing. EDIT: Poll Closed - with 4 votes, it's 'Attack the eyes' that wins. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 3:48 am    Post subject: Apologies ladies and gents... this week is what's known in the WoWCrack universe as a big fat patch week. That is - it's the release of patch 2.3 which, rather than the smaller (2.2.2) type patches filled with a few dozen bug fixes, this is filled with lots of fun extras, including a new town to explore, new dungeon to complete, official guildbanks and a lot more. Hand in hand with such a release is a lot of background changes to the game code, so all the 'addon' programs that people use to customise gameplay and the userinterface tend to break and have to be updated. It's a busy time for any player, and disturbingly busy for myself, as there is a new 10-man raid dungeon I need to somehow work out how to schedule 32 people time inside. A new chapter will follow as soon as things calm down a little. Thank you for your patience. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 4:00 am    Post subject: Smee wrote: Apologies ladies and gents... this week is what's known in the WoWCrack universe as a big fat patch week. Noob Actually we're still muddling through Kara, snagged at the Shade of Aran...but I need not derail the storygame with crackness. _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 4:25 pm    Post subject: ~Gets confused and thwaks Fauna~ Nope, not a kind of rare Bob then. Yet I definately remember this strange creature before... Nice to see you alive and kicking EF! _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author ethereal_fauna Perpetually Distracted Joined: 16 Feb 2005 Posts: 2567 Location: USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Nov 15, 2007 10:00 am    Post subject: Ouch! *rubs head* Thanks, I think. _________________ The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Nov 17, 2007 4:12 pm    Post subject: I finally caught up, and the story is developing well. Of course, it is a bit of a coicidence that these strange creatures speak perfect english, but that's ok. I too am curious about what the world outside the darkness is like, and especially why there is this tremendous darkness at all. And why are there walls surrounding it? It's all very mysterious, and I will be looking forward to finding out. _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Nov 25, 2007 11:50 pm    Post subject: Hey Folks, Thank you for your patience, and Dani, welcome back... Quote: Of course, it is a bit of a coicidence that these strange creatures speak perfect english, but that's ok Whoever said anything about them speaking english _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Scrapper Tourist Joined: 16 Aug 2007 Posts: 24 Location: A box. In someone's closet. Maybe yours! Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Nov 28, 2007 7:42 am    Post subject: Good story so far Smee! Glad to be able to hop on this one while it’s still fairly early for a change. Though I wasn’t in time for this round of polls I’ll definitely keep an eye on this SG from here on out. Back to top Author Aponi Resident Joined: 29 Nov 2007 Posts: 51 Location: "Calderia" Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 1:03 pm    Post subject: Yup, I think it's about time Sej tries to be of some use - this is a moment that will define his quality of character. I did think, though, that Morhem had a very quick and easy attachment to him just for the dinner. Either his family was ready to starve when he ran into Sej, or else there's some kind of reward for finding humans that hasn't been revealed yet. Back to top Author OldJoe Citizen Joined: 23 Oct 2005 Posts: 125 Location: On mah steed. Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Dec 26, 2007 9:07 pm    Post subject: Ah missed yer vote, but ahm awaitin' the next chapter. Patient like. _________________ Get off yer horse and drink yer milk. Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 2:54 am    Post subject: Chapter 4 : Fight or Flight Sej grabbed for the dagger at his belt, and frantically fumbled with the leather strap holding it in place. Just paces ahead of him the unearthly screech of the monster sent ice-like terror through every nerve, almost freezing him in shock. The screech was met by a strange, almost musical sound. It took several seconds for Sej to realise it came from Morhem. The comparatively tiny creature looked pitiful against such a beast. Yet through the grey swirling half-sight Morhem had granted him, Sej could see the brave Katoraz stood defiantly in the middle of the tunnel. Arms were outstretched, with spines held in each hand. Head bowed slightly, extending many rows of spines viciously. As Morhem's haunting cry echoed around him, Sej somehow felt the monster's chill receeding. The leather straps gave way, and with shortlived triumph Sej brandished the freed dagger wildly at the exact moment the giant creature crashed down on to Morhem. A huge, 6 foot wide pincered-jaw hurtled towards him, razor sharp and lightning fast. Sej winced, and half turned ready to run. But with a sick fascination he couldn't help but watch. At the last second Morhem lept nimbly out the way, moving faster than Sej could ever have thought he could. So fast, to Sej's vision, he simply vanished in a silver swirl. The creatures head struck the floor painfully instead, causing the creature to screech. As the head rose, Morhem appeared from the dark swirls to thrust the spine in his left hand deep into the underside of the creatures jaw. With some effort Sej made out the first spine already protruding from the opposite side of the gaping maw. But it didn't seem effected. It certainly wasn't giggling. Something woke in Sej, and he ran straight toward the creature, knife arm outstretched. Already Morhem was armed with new spines in each hand, and another half dozen bristled from various parts of the monster's head. It lashed downwards towards Morhem again, this time stopping short of hitting the floor when the nimble Katoraz ducked out of reach. Without a single wasted movement, another spine was thrust, this time into the soft flesh behind the head plates. The creature roared in pain, and this close Sej was driven to his knees with the sheer volume. Morhem suddenly saw him. "What are you DOING! GET out of here!" The giant head rose in agony, colliding heavily with the cave ceiling. Small stones and rocks began to fall, crashing to the floor in clouds of dust and confusing Sej's swirling vision. Amidst the confusing silver he heard a low grunt, and in desperation Sej tried to force the image to some clarity. A fist sized rock bounced off his shoulder as the ceiling continued to collapse under the thrashing assault of the monster, but he ignored the burst of pain. To the side of the passage, he had caught a glimpse of Morhem lying unmoving on the floor, smashed into the walls by the wild spasms of the creature's long body. Before he could react to save his friend, out of the swirls the nightmare head suddenly appeared, decending rapidly toward Sej. Instinct overtook him and he held his knife upwards, both hands gripping it as tight as he could. The gaping maw covered the blade, but Sej felt it plunge into the soft lining in the roof of the mouth. With a massive shudder the creature thrashed sideways with the pain, wrenching the blade from Sej's hands as it rolled in a death throe. Ducking as best he could, although avoiding the largest falling rocks and final movements of the creature by luck more than conscious effort, he made it to Morhem's side. He was unconscious. Being careful to avoid his, perhaps lethally filled, spines, Sej started dragging him up the tunnel. Before he'd gone a few steps he became aware that his vision was fading. Dark, black swirls started intertwining with the soft silver, growing bigger and bigger until they filled his vision and everything was once again black. It seemed, with Morhem unconscious, his magic was fading. Sej whimpered in the sudden dark, trying hard not to let his fears overcome him. What if the fight attracted more, or something even worse! He had no weapon, nor could he see. There was no hope he could fight. A cold shiver went down his spine and he whimpered again. But a small voice in the back of his mind suddenly became aware of something. The cold shiver, it came not from his fears, but a breeze. A breeze wafting down the tunnel, the way they'd been heading before the attack. Were they that close to the entrance! With a sudden urgency Sej continued dragging Morhem up the tunnel, toward the source of the breeze. With every deep breath of the refreshing air, Sej felt more confident. They were going to make it. If he could just get out, be able to see again, perhaps he could do something to help Morhem. ~ "Phew, am I glad to see you open your eyes," Sej declared, standing up to wash out the cloth in the small bowl near the fire and then returning to clean the dust from Morhem's face. "Water..?" "Here, here." Sej replied, holding up a water bottle careful to his lips. Morhem drank deeply and then sat up. "How do you feel?" "Like I've wrestled a gloom worm and lost." "Gloom worm? That's what that thing was?" "Yes. I assume it's dead if you managed to get us out." Sej nodded. "My blade went through it's mouth into it's brain. I'm thinking that killed it." Morhem grunted. "I'm thinking the eight units of death toxin I stuck it with helped." He gave a sidelong glance at Sej. "But you did remarkably well. Despite me telling you to run." He added. Sej looked down, his eyes reflecting the low firelight. "I thought I'd lost you." He said quietly. "I know nothing about what's happening to me, about where I am. I needed my guide." Morhem grunted again. "Fat lot of use your guide has been so far. And, what happened to your shoes?" Sej winced and looked down to his mud covered, bruised and cut feet. "About 100 paces from the cave entrance, was a kind of marshland, bog. I lost them in the swamp." "And where are we now?" "About half a mile from the cave. Within some trees. I couldn't drag you any further." Morhem was suddenly all action, standing up and shuffling soil onto the fire and repacking his bag. "We've gotta get out of here. The cave population isn't shy about hunting this close to the entrance at night." Sej looked about in panic, ears straining for any sound, and inwardly cursing Morhem for covering the fire and removing his precious light even though he knew it had to be done. "Where can we go?" "Well that's down to you. I suggest we don't stay here though. We can make a start towards the Watcher, in the far north. Not much but forest for quite some way. Good concealment." A paw pointed the way. "I think there's a village a day's turn that way." This time he pointed southeast. "Never been there though. No idea what lives there but we might be able to get you some more shoes." "Or there's a big town that way, west into the mountains. Lots of trade, so lots of people. Katoraz sometimes go there. But it's a fair way out of our way. Might be able to hear some gossip. Maybe find out what happened to you without going all the way to the Watcher." Wishing he had a bottle of whiskey, or two, Sej told Morhem his decision. ~ It's been quite a delay folks... my apologies. MMORPG's are a powerful force that are hard to resist. But their power weakens over time, and inevitably I find my way back to this fair city. Chapter 4 is upon you, and it is my sincere hope Chapter 5 will follow within a week or two rather than 4 months. I look forward to your ideas. Morhem has lain out the 3 available options he perceives, but of course, you are welcome to come up with other alternatives if you have any. Happy Storygaming _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 3:34 am    Post subject: Ahhha Haaa! Finally another chapter! Nice to see this one moving again Smee. I'm all for the village, it seems to be a good compromise, and we need those shoes! _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Guest Items Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 11:19 pm    Post subject: I was just to late to reply to chapter 3. Well I would have also chosen to use a dagger. great chapter Smee. Would like to see more coming, you should get around much more on IF and stories. ^^ What shall happen to the story now... that question is burned into my mind. Well they should go where their hearts lead them, oh wait how about an inn if there is any close by, if not then they can keep on walking until they find a road and from there on they can ask where they are, if they know where they are then they might aswell go where their nose leads them to the town. Back to top Author Kalanna Rai Assassin for Hire Joined: 21 Jan 2006 Posts: 3102 Location: The Frozen North Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 11:39 pm    Post subject: Village, the helpful hints will be nice and who knows what kind of trouble you can get into trying to get shoes without money. *wink* _________________ "It's not just about living forever...the trick is living with yourself forever..." "Music makes you braver." Back to top Author DELETED Guest Items Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 1:58 am    Post subject: DELETED Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 1:06 pm    Post subject: Quote: "Here, here." Sej replied, holding up a water bottle careful to his lips Yup. The village is the most enticing option. Good to have you back. _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author Crunchyfrog Honorable IFian Joined: 12 Dec 2006 Posts: 3998 Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 1:20 pm    Post subject: Now is it only me that noticed this but Sej's memory has started to return? At the beginning of the story he finds himself in the darkness, dressed in unfamiliar clothes, bare mud covered feet, and this quill around his neck. Morhem rescued him and cared for him, and they set off to the Watcher to get some questions answered. Now Sej has told Morhem that he lost his shoes in a bog whilst he was dragging Morhem to safety. But he never had his shoes before, did he? I think I remember suggesting continuing to the Watcher and find out about this quill - although I suspect we may come to find out about it sooner than we think. Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 3:30 pm    Post subject: Haha, thanks Crunchy... you are indeed correct. Quote: His silk slippers had vanished leaving his feet bare, but strangely filthy, as if he'd spent half a day walking through heavy mud. Damn the woes of trying to pick up a random story again. Erm... Morhem clearly knows what shoes are though, so I'll use that to assume Katoraz, as a species, use them. Sej we'll assume was fitted out with some during the packing up before setting out on the journey. Thanks for spotting it. Not sure what you mean about his memory though... ~ Thanks for the typo spot Dani, I'm seeing a few more punctuation errors and repetition myself, I'll have a run over it shortly. ~ Will probably look to get a poll up in the next day or two. Happy Storygaming. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 11:43 pm    Post subject: Trying to add a poll seems to gain me the following error : Code: Could not obtain vote data results for this topic DEBUG MODE SQL Error : 1064 You have an error in your SQL syntax near 'ORDER BY vote_option_id ASC' at line 4 SELECT vote_option_id, vote_result FROM phpbb_vote_results WHERE vote_id = ORDER BY vote_option_id ASC Line : 321 File : functions_post.php Any ideas would be appreciated _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 4:55 am    Post subject: Strangely enough the title says there's a poll up. So I've not fallen for your invisible poll ploy, and voted. (and winning!) Woo me! _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 4:05 am    Post subject: Well the thread thinks there's a poll, and clearly there isn't, and I've found no solution to this problem. So, please go here to vote. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 1:48 am    Post subject: Chapter 5 : Splinter for thought? "Well come on, boy. What's your decision? Sej hefted his pack on his back, trying to buy himself time to think. It was regretable to have lost his shoes, a gift from Margeet before he'd left, but he didn't want to waste time heading in the wrong direction just for the sake of his feet. He had to get to the Watcher as fast as possible if he were to let Morhem get home to his family quickly. "North. We go north." Morhem's face showed no emotion at the choice. He just nodded and started walking. Sej followed, picking his way carefully through the relatively soft loam of the woodland floor, avoiding sharp sticks and stones. ~ "Aaaaagh." "Oh sush, stop moaning, boy. It's just a splinter. I've seen bigger spines on a new born! Now just one more minute, I've nearly got it." Sej lay with his head against a log, and his foot held aloft in the vice-like grip of the Katoraz. Their camp was rough but neat, and they'd made good progress north for three days, away from the Longblack and toward the Watcher. "Aaaagh, I wanted it out, not half my foot gouged off!" "Quite whining, nearly there... aah, yep, there we go." Morhem released Sej's leg, and threw the spine he'd used to tease out the splinter on to the fire. With relief Sej sat up and twisted his foot around to survey the damage. Like his other one, the sole was a mess of blisters, cuts and scrapes but he'd refused to let it slow them down. That was until the splinter. Every step had felt like a dagger thrust, until he'd had to stop. "We might as well make a night of it here. You should let that foot breathe and gather its strength for tomorrow." Sej just nodded and opened his pack, digging for some of their thinning food supplies. With a small smile he handed a piece of flatbread to Morhem. "Thanks," he said softly. Morhem smiled too, and took the proffered food. "No problem. But you won't be going much further on those until they've healed some." He gestured at Sej's mutilated feet. "Any suggestions?" Sej said, gesturing at the leagues of featureless forest around them. "Hello?" The strange voice came from outside the camp. Low, and deep. Sej and Morhem were immediately alarmed and on their feet, looking about for the source. Sej hefted a tree branch he'd been using as a walking stick, and Morhem was instantly armed with spines in each hand. "Show yourself," Morhem declared loudly, staring to the east, the opposite side the voice had come from. Sej, unconsciously acknowledging the Katoraz better senses, stared in the same direction. "Quite an unlikely duo to come across so deep within Gonkorian Forest." The voice was quite at ease, almost casual. The speaker strolled into the camp from the south. Morhem jumped to face the stranger with a look of annoyed surprise. "Stop right there." Morhem declared again, a note of panic in his voice. "A Katoraz! Rather far from your home aren't you small one! No Ghinkos round here." The stranger raised his hands. "Lower your spines little one, I mean no harm. And who's your companion?" Sej looked over the stranger. He was a few inches taller than him, the face was scared and the head completely bald, but he looked... human! He was dressed in a green leather tunic, woodland wear. It looked hardy and well suited to the place. Solid looking leather sandals protected his feet. "This is Morhem, and I am Sej. Who are you?" "Sej what are you doing!" Morhem whispered in a urgent hiss. "It's a Warlohm. We must run before we're killed!" Sej looked down at his little companion. The feline face was etched with terror. "I don't think he means any harm, didn't you hear what he said?" Sej whispered back, still eyeing the stranger, whom seemed to be watching him with a look of intense curiosity. "All I heard was Warlohm gibberish, the Light knows what the evil thing said. " A cold shiver went down Sej's spine. How could he understand the stranger, if Morhem couldn't? "You actually understand that creature?" Sej looked up sharply at the question. "What?" "The Katoraz, you can understand it?" Sej tried to gather his thoughts but they weren't making sense. "Of course, it's speaking English, same as you," he managed to blurt out. "English, what, by the Light, is English? Is this English what Katoraz's speak?" "Sej! What are you doing! How can you speak it's language like that? What are you saying?" Morhem's fear was being replaced by confusion as he tugged on Sej's arm. "Just a minute," Sej hushed Morhem, but patted his shoulder reasuringly. "Who are you? Don't make me ask again." Sej tried to keep his voice steady. The stranger looked back and forth from Sej to Morhem a few times, curiosity still playing majorly on the scarred face. He suddenly shook his head slightly and focused on Sej. "My apologies, you took me by surprise is all. I am Tericun, third order of five. At your service." He bowed with a strange flourish. But it was enough to relieve some of the tension in the small forest clearing. Sej relaxed a little. "Good to meet you Tericun." "Forgive my bluntness, a lot about this situation is odd. But, what are you?" Sej looked at him blankly. Tericun picked up on the confusion and tried again. "What species are you? I mean you look like one of us, but you have those strange patches of hair all over your head." Sej blinked, suddenly seeing the stranger more clearly. The entire head was completely hairless. He didn't even have eyebrows. "My friend says you are Warlohm, but I am Human." "Warlohm.. yes, yes correct. He told you that!" A light seemed to shine from Tericun's eyes as he eyed the Katoraz in fascination. Sej felt Morhem tense, and continued rubbing the shoulder gently. "You say you are Human? I've never heard of such as you. But you seem friendly enough." Tericun's face spread into a wide smile and Sej felt himself relax slightly. "Perhaps I might share your fire this night, I feel we have much to talk about?" Sej looked down at Morhem, thinking carefully. Hmmm ... what are we going to do with this new arrival? That aside, how are we going to progress with Sej's current feet situation (you cruel voters you. The village was only a day away! ;-) ). How are we reacting to the strange revelations about languages? Any, and all, your thoughts (related to the story) are eagerly awaited. Happy Storygaming _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Adalia Citizen Joined: 15 Apr 2007 Posts: 196 Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 4:12 am    Post subject: Nice chapter, Smee. I don't know why, but I can't seem to feel sorry for Sej and his poor feet. For the DP, I'd have to say talk to him. I'm curious to know more about this Tericun. _________________ All that is gold does not glitter; not all those that wander are lost. - J.R.R. Tolkien Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 4:48 am    Post subject: Hey, I voted for the village! I don't have much to add to what Adilia said about this fellow. speak to him, find out more, but be wary! As for the lower appendage situation, just rip some cloth off somewhere and wrap it round his feet, unless this new guy happens to be shoe salesman. _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Crunchyfrog Honorable IFian Joined: 12 Dec 2006 Posts: 3998 Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 5:00 am    Post subject: Sej seems to have found his position of power now. He is a translator. Morhem clearly thinks that Warlohm are dangerous to Katoraz so there must be some history there. Definitely misunderstanding. Sej would probably feel more aligned with the Warlohm because they are physically more alike, but he must take care not to alienate Morhem. Morhem has useful abilities and has shown great kindness. Besides, Morhem must have some reason to fear Tericun. If I were in Sej's shoes (if he had any) I'd be wanting some assistance from Tericun - a change of clothes, and a pair of shoes. He can't demand that straight away, and Morhem is not going to want to go to Tericun's abode willingly. It's going to be a long night, and they are hungry. His best bet is to start trying to understand what the problem is between these two species as their friendship will work in his favour. Interesting turn of events! Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Apr 26, 2008 5:38 am    Post subject: I got bored, so here are my creations of Sej and Tericun... Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Apr 26, 2008 6:38 pm    Post subject: I wish you hadn't posted those pics, Smee. Kinda ruined the mental image I had. Oh well. Quote: "Quite whining, nearly there... aah, yep, there we go." There's a typo there. I was wondering why Sej could understand the Morhem. So he's a translator. Well, I don't have much to add to what has been said: try to resolve their differences. Sej should not only be a translator, but also a diplomat. _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat Apr 26, 2008 7:45 pm    Post subject: I think they're okay, though the one on the left looks like a zombie a bit. _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Apr 27, 2008 12:14 am    Post subject: Haha, you said that before Chin, but I don't think I've seen many zombies with hair. Sorry to ruin your mental image Dani, although they do match my own mental image pretty accurately and it's no different to the many, many pictures I've posted in my stories before, except I made them rather than stole from google _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun Apr 27, 2008 11:55 pm    Post subject: Poll can be found here I'll be aiming for a better dp for the next chapter. I'm not impressed with this one. Happy Storygaming _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 4:33 am    Post subject: Chapter 6 : Friction Several thoughts were strong in Sej's mind, swirling around in a confused jumble. The first was an inexplicable joy at meeting this stranger. His heart felt lighter, and he felt an urge to simply let go and enjoy it. The second was a concern for Morhem. The last thing he wanted to do was appear to shun his friend's feelings. Clearly there was some reason for the fear. The little Katoraz had already shown how fearless he was, facing the beast in the tunnel. He wouldn't have wanted to run for anything short of an immediate threat. A third thought was a confusing one. An unconscious part of his mind was constantly working to understand what had happened to bring him to this world. The appearance of Katoraz, a fictional race from books he'd read as a child made it seem dreamlike. Perhaps he was simply unconscious somewhere, trapped in this dream? Dreams can seem very real at the time. Yet this was too real. The pain in his feet, the fear in the tunnel. And now this stranger. A Warlohm. No childhood book spoke of any such creatures. He'd never heard of anything like them. Sej eyed Tericun. "If you could give me a few moments alone with my friend, I would like to discuss with him." Tericun glanced at Morhem, and then back to Sej. Did his eyes linger for a second on the quill around his neck, Sej wondered? "Certainly, ... Sej. I left my horse and belongings a way back in the woods anyway. I'll go fetch him, whilst you decide." Once the stranger had disappeared in the trees, Sej hurried closer to the fire and sat down. Morhem followed. "And just what was all that about?" Sej could tell the hardness in Morhem's voice belied his fear. "I wish I could tell you." Sej sighed. "I understood him as easily as I do you. Yet he had no idea what you said either." "Few do," Morhem muttered, looking knowingly at Sej. "What do you mean?" "Nevermind. I'll tell you later. Has he gone? How did you get him to go?" "He's not gone. He's coming back in a few minutes. He wants to spend the night here." Morhem suddenly gripped Sej's arm. "No, no he can't. You don't understand. He's Warlohm!" "What does that mean?" Sej exclaimed. "I've never heard of them and he's said nothing that makes me think he means any harm." "It's too late! He's charmed you!" Morhem suddenly declared, backing up and looking at Sej critically. "He has not." Sej countered. "They're casters. Powerful mages. You don't have any idea of the powers they have. They kill without mercy. Hundreds of Katoraz have been murdered by them." "But why bother 'charming' me? Why bother trying to talk to us? If he's so powerful why not just kill us both and take what he wants?" "I.. I don't know. It's obviously some Warlohm trick. Can't you see? We have to get away from here." Morhem started dragging at Sej's arm. "Wait, no wait! You told me Katoraz rarely leave their caves in the Longblack. You said yourself, you've never ventured more than a day from your cave. How could Warlohm have killed so many of you? What would it gain them?" Morhem stopped and stared at Sej. "You wouldn't understand." "Not unless you tell me, no I wouldn't." Morhem's eyes suddenly became hard and flat. "Forget it. I said I would be your guide, and your guide is telling you to get away from him. Whether you listen to me or not is down to you. But get us killed, and you only have yourself to blame." With that he turned his back on Sej, crossed over to his bedroll and lay down. "That seemed to get quite heated. I hope I haven't caused you more problems?" Sej turned in surprise to see Tericun a few paces away with a large black horse in tow. "He doesn't have a very high opinion of your species, and thinks you've charmed me with your magic." "He's right, I have." Tericun replied with a smile. The matter of fact way he said it shook Sej, and it took a few seconds to sink in. "What! What have you done to me?" Tericun held up his hands to hold off further protest. "Nothing intentional, I assure you. It's simply a part of our nature, our magic. We can't help but try to put people at their ease around us. It's as unconscious and natural to us as breathing." Sej remembered the feeling he had of joy meeting this stranger. It wasn't there any more. "Why isn't it working now?" "It is, but it would seem your suspicions are over powering it now. It's not a great force. It only works on those atleast a little open to being persuaded." Sej noted this would explain why it hadn't affected someone as predisposed against him as Morhem. "Care to put your side across as to why my friend would think Warlohm bring only death to Katoraz?" "Could I perhaps sit down first? It has been a long day and I could do with some food before starting any long stories." Sej nodded and watched as Tericun fetched a heavy pack from his horse, came over to the fire and sat down with a weary sigh. The stranger pulled out various food stuffs from his pack until there was a veritable feast laid out by the fire. "Please," he said with a gesture as he started taking handfuls of various things. "Help yourself." Sej hesitated a second, staring at the back of Morhem across the fire, and then took a piece of the nearest food. It was spicy, but delicious. Sej tried other dishes and was soon eating with abandon, thoughts of his earlier question forgotten. "Mmmmm, what's this?" "That... it's a cheese made from deermilk. Called Chowunde. Very subtle flavour and quite the delicacy where I'm from." "And this?" "Aah, that is roast meat from a wild grutchik." Tericun stopped eating and stared at his host. "You're not from round here are you?" Sej swallowed, and shook his head. "No, I'm not. I don't even think I'm from this world." Tericun looked shocked for a second but continued eating. A few minutes passed in silence, the comforting crackle from the fire the only sound. "Do they not wear shoes on your world?" Sej looked up, and then noticed a small grin on Tericun's face as he stared at Sej's injured feet. "I lost my shoes in a swamp a few days ago." "Here, let me look." Tericun gestured for Sej to lift his feet closer. Again he hesitated, still aware of the silent judgement from Morhem's back, but he slowly raised his foot. Tericun shuffled forwards on his knees, took hold of the foot and looked at it critically for a few seconds. With a quiet 'aha' he released it and started digging through his pack. "I don't carry spare boots with me. But I do believe we could improvise with some cloth," he pulled a bulk of dark green cloth out of the pack. "..and rope." He pulled a length of narrow rope out too. "But first we need to sort out the current injuries or you'll still be hobbling like an old mule." Throwing the pack aside, Tericun shuffled forward again, and took a hold of the foot once more. "Hmmm, aha, yes, hmmm." "What are you going to do?" Sej said, nervously. "What I can, " he said mysteriously. Holding Sej's foot in one hand, he held the other hand out. Suddenly it burst forth with a blue flame and Sej screamed without thought, yanking his foot back and scurrying backwards a few paces. The flame winked out and in the same second Morhem appeared from no where, clutching Tericun tightly whilst one paw held a lethal looking spine directly to the stranger's neck. "One prick, and you will know pain like you couldn't imagine." The Katoraz hissed menacingly. "Sej... Sej, please stop him. I wasn't about to hurt you!" Sej, still in shock, stared numbly at the unfolding scene. "Sush with your filthy mutterings. No spell can save you now." Tericun closed his eyes, face screwed up awaiting the inevitable. With a sharp shake of his head, Sej cleared his thoughts. "Morhem, no! Wait!" "What more proof do you want! I heard you scream! He intends to use us for some evil experiment." "My foot, Morhem. He's helped it." Sej moved closer to the fire and held it close to catch the light. "Still looks as bad to me." Morhem grunted. "It's better, I promise you. The pain is much less. I was only shocked by what happened with his hand, I wasn't expecting it. He didn't do anything to me." Morhem stood still, paw still poised to fill Tericun's veins with poison. "Please, Morhem. Let him go. He's done nothing wrong. You're better than this, this isn't like you." Slowly the spine edged away from the neck, until with a shove Morhem pushed Tericun away from him, and threw the spine onto the fire. It fizzled and popped in the heat and for a brief second the flames were tinged with green. With a grunt, Tericun sat back up, looking at Sej. "I don't know what you said, but thanks. You saved my life." "What's it saying," Morhem hissed. Sej ignored him and spoke to Tericun. "It's not me you need to thank. It's Morhem who saved your life." Tericun looked confused, but slowly turned to face Morhem. "My thanks, small one. For not taking my life this night." The Katoraz scowled. "He's just thanking you for saving his life." Sej translated. "I don't want his thanks," he replied. Standing up he walked off alone into the trees, muttering under his breath. Sej sighed and looked back at Tericun to once again find him staring at his chest. "That feather you wear around your neck. Where did you get it?" Sej looked down, bewildered at the sudden change in conversation, and lifted the quill that had been there since he'd first woken in the Dark. "I've had it ever since I appeared in this world." For the first time, Sej noticed the soft glow from the metalic nib. Despite all he'd been through it was still flawlessly clean. "Could I have a closer look?" Tericun asked gently. A strange reluctance surged through Sej, and before he'd really thought about it he found himself reply. "No." Tericun blinked in surprise at the firm tone, and Sej softened it. "I mean, I'm rather tired after all that's happened tonight. I'd prefer to just get some sleep. Hopefully Morhem will have returned by morning. Perhaps another time." "I understand. Sleep well." Sej lay down slowly, even more thoughts swirling in his head than before. One mystery after another. How was he to make heads or tails of where he was or what he was supposed to do with ever more comfusing and complicated events unfolding. Would Morhem come back? Would he still be willing to guide him to the Watcher? What was he to do about Tericun? With that thought, Sej sat up again. "Tericun. You never told me why Morhem would hate your species so much." Tericun lifted his head from where he lay. "I think that's a story you need to get from your friend before you'd believe anything I told you." Without waiting for any further comment, his head went down again. "Great," Sej thought. "Another mysterious comment." He'd tried to get the story from Morhem, but he'd been strangely reluctant. There was a key there somewhere, but what was he expecting? To discover some great truth so suddenly the two of them would be best friends? It all suddenly made Sej very tired and without another thought he drifted off into sleep. A bit of a longer chapter than I imagined, and I still haven't got very far. But I do think there's some important information here, worthy enough for a decision point. Get your thinking hats on folks. It's going to be a rather wooley poll for this chapter, that'll focus on one main goal, but any good thoughts and comments could well be incorporated into the next chapter as well. Happy Storygaming _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Last edited by Smee on Thu May 01, 2008 9:35 am; edited 1 time in total Back to top Author Guest Items Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 8:10 am    Post subject: Keep the quill away from anyone. Maybe you could try and write with it, who knows, maybe you'll find yourself back where you belong. Back to top Author DeadManWalking Duke of the Mostly Dead Joined: 24 May 2006 Posts: 1005 Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 9:18 pm    Post subject: OMG MAGIC NIB!!!!!!!!!!! I don't trust the Warlohm. He could be lying about his magic for charming people; Sej could be charmed into believing he wasn't charmed, and believing that the magic is smaller than it is. I believe the Warlohm just wants to get the nib. Morhem has proved himself a friend, defending him against the worm. I would trust the Morhem. (Although, how could you really get the Warlohm to get out if he's as powerful as they say?) _________________ When the dead walk, the living run. Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 9:57 pm    Post subject: Good chapter Smee, long is fine if it's good, and that was. Mmm. Wooly eh? Well, I say they continue their journey, with warblob along if he wishes. Over time he can try and extract more information from him, whilst being wary and keeping his magic pen to himself. If Warry wants to go another way though, I think they should part with no hesitation. _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author Traveller Citizen Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 148 Location: Whitby, Ontario Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 11:04 am    Post subject: Great read Smee...Loving it...Just got caught up and now I am antici....pating the next chapter. As for the Dp...I would like to see an uneasy alliance between the three of them...not sure I trust ol' whasisname but for now I don't see any danger in trusting him...I think there is a big misunderstanding between the 2 races that maybe Saj will rectify. Maybe set some sort of "Trick" up to have them air their grievences to each other...sorta like setting up two arguing friends at a dinner to force them to talk...if you know what I'm saying. But I'm all for an uneasy alliance as I like all the charcters and don't want to see them go away...but then lets keep heading to the Watcher I just had the image of the Watcher as a "pay-no-attention-to-the-man-behind-the-curtain" sort of guy...just a thought -T. Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 11:26 am    Post subject: Nice comments guys. And welcome to Deady and Trav, lovely to have new readers. *spies a lurking Kitty* And hopefully another one soon too. Do we have any thoughts as to how Sej might try to establish a truce stable enough to allow the journey to the Watcher to continue? Assuming Morhem is just sulking in the forest rather than actually gone, that is. Also bearing in mind that Tericun, as of yet, has no idea of our mission, or our destination. As for the quill. Anything in particular you want to try to do with it, save for keeping it out of Tericun's possession? Happy Storygaming _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 12:37 pm    Post subject: Nice chapter, though I felt there was something lacking in character depth. I'm sure everyone will disagree with me, but the characters weren't completely real for me. Morhem is the best character so far, but Tericun isn't believable. He was ready to accept his death at Morhem's hands, and then he was willing to thank both Sej and Morhem for 'saving his life'; but why is he such a great guy? And why is he traveling around, sneaking up on people? Also, his charming attitude contrasts with hissharp observation and his sudden interest in Sej's plume. I expected to see more about Tericun in this chapter, but it all ended in a exasperating with-holding of information. As for what to do- most immediately, somebody should stand watch. And don't trust Tericun. See if he knows a short cut through the forest, but ditch him as soon as you can. _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 1:50 pm    Post subject: As always Dani, you give me something to think about. I wouldn't say he was about to accept his death at Morhem's hands though. Some one holds a 'knife' to your throat, it's not so much accepting as unable to deny impending death. But's he's a new character. Give him chance to reveal some of his secrets and perhaps you'll think he's less like a paddling pool. Quote: I expected to see more about Tericun in this chapter, but it all ended in a exasperating with-holding of information. Aye - I started the chapter expecting to have it end quite a bit further on, and to have given more information along the lines you expected. But I thought it was getting lengthy, and with so much dialogue it could get to the point where it's hard to see the wood for the trees with regards to the pertinent details. Ironically, it was lengthier than expected because I was aiming for extra depth and believability rather than skimming through this tense first conversation period. I'm on the case _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 4:06 pm    Post subject: I completely disagree with D. _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 10:19 pm    Post subject: I would expect any less from you, Cren. We have a long history of disagreements, and whenever I write criticism, I am comforted by the fact that you will be there to express your malcontent. You are like a father to me- a dark, sinister, Darth Vader who always challenges me and beckons me to the dark side. Thank-you, Cren, you always push me to the limit. _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author Guest Items Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 11:47 pm    Post subject: Try writing with the quill, if it is magic, why not write down on a paper or tree, "Take us to the watcher!" Wait maybe the new recrute is evil and wants to take away the thing sej was walking with for a longtime. Or he could know what the quill does, unless it is a normal quill. Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 1:57 am    Post subject: Quote: sinister, Darth Vader The force is strong in this one. Sorry Smee, ~Slaps self on the wrist~ _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author scissorkitty Respected Citizen Joined: 04 Mar 2008 Posts: 789 Location: Escaping the Hair Lair Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 7:54 am    Post subject: That's it. i LOVE Morhem! I don't trust the newcomer either. He just seems to have too many little suave moves, and too many quick answers and solutions. And he was really eyeing the Nib. What IS the deal with the Quill??? He should pretend to sleep, then find Morhem and get the whole story. Perhaps the Katoraz has a quill that could protect agaist the charming spell? Or is the charming effect caused by a hormone that the newcomer subconsiously releases? interesting! Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 5:50 am    Post subject: Chapter 7 : Tensions rising. A hand held over Sej's mouth silenced him as he was roughly shaken awake. Sleep filled eyes struggled to wake and focus on the primal face holding him bodily in the air. Before he could even think about reacting he was cocooned tightly in thick bindings, gagged, and strung face down from a pole. A series of low grunts seemed to come from several sources all at once, but Sej couldn't even make out how many there were, let alone consider any meaning. All of a sudden, they were moving. A swift, bouncing run that jostled Sej side to side. Adrenaline finally kicked in, and shattered any remnant of sleep. With renewed awareness Sej struggled futilely against his restraints. He twisted and thrashed his body, to no effect. He couldn't even catch sight of his captors, save for a pair of bare feet in front. On they ran. ~ "Aaaargh! Where is he?! What have you done with him?" Morhem's voice pierced the stillness of the night, his high-pitched yell filled with frustration. Tericun woke with a jolt from an uneasy sleep. "What? What? Oh it's you, you're back then. What are you squealing about now?" Blue eyes blinked away sleep and tried to look around in the faint light from stars overhead. Almost immediately Tericun realised he didn't feel the aura any more, and strained to see the slumbering form of the strange man across from the smoldering fire. It wasn't there. "Where is he? Where's he gone?" "Quit your mutterings, warlohm. You'd be dead already if I didn't need you to tell me what you've done with him." Tericun, obviously not understanding the threats was still looking around in the dark. Casting about with other senses too, equally fruitless in their findings. "This is no good," he muttered. "I need some light." He glanced at Morhem. The katoraz was half crouched, watching him with green eyes, luminous in the dark. With a frown of concentration, Tericun stood up and pointed at the fire. "I need light to see. I'm going to get the fire going again." He accompanied the speech with various actions, trying to mime what he intended. ~ Morhem tensed as the mage stood up. His speech was as unintelligible as ever, but the mime suddenly clicked together and he understood. "Yes, yes, go ahead if you must." He waved a hand in a dismissive gesture, hoping to give the meaning that he didn't care. The warlohm took it as such and bent down to lay new logs and tinder over the few still burning coals and then his hand lit up with a blue flame and a small orb detached and flew into the fire pit, instantly igniting the fresh fuel. Morhem had a spine to hand the very instant the flame had appeared, and had almost thrown it, but held back. If he was to find Sej, he had to know what this thing knew. Inwardly he cursed himself for leaving earlier. If he'd controlled his temper, he'd have been here, stood on watch and seen for himself. Were there more of them out there? Why would they hide, when they could easily take by force. What was the point of such subterfuge? But such questions didn't give him much pause. A lifetime of stories, generations of history told him no warlohm was to be trusted. That lies and deceit came second nature to them. What did they want with Sej? A harder question, and one not easily shaken off. It had been remarkable, discovering he could understand Katoraz. It had be astonishing that he could speak with the warlohm too. Who was he? "Oi, ...Mour-heem! Can you hear me or what? Get over here." Morhem looked up at the familiar, albeit mangled, sound of his own name. During his thoughts the mage had shifted from the fire to the edge of the camp. Curiosity won over and he edged toward him, looking toward the ground where Tericun pointed. Immediately he saw what interested the warlohm so. Footprints, deep and clear in the damp loam, huge and lots of them. They were made by something at least half again as big as the warlohm, if not bigger. But he wasn't to be fooled so easily. Eyeing Tericun suspiciously, he pointed at the tracks and then mimed the fire igniting on his hand. "You could have made these tracks with your fancy magic." The mage made an exasperated sigh. "I suppose you're accusing me of making these tracks!" "I wasn't just a cub yesterday!" "I don't understand you... these are tracks from Forgora, forest giants." He tried to mime a giant, rising up tall and making exaggerated footsteps and then pointed into the trees. "Ah forget it, this is pointless. I don't know why I bothered with the pair of you in the first place." Morhem watched the pantomime, still suspicious, but trying hard to follow. Just as the mage turned away, the katoraz picked up on one word. "Forgorra?" Tericun froze and turned back. "Forgora, yes. Giants!" He raised his hands tall again and this time Morhem understood. He only remembered the barest of rumours of them, little more than stories from his isolated life in the caves. If they had hold of Sej, he had to get moving fast. There was no telling what they'd do with him. "I'm sorry about your friend, Sej. They'll kill him no doubt." Morhem looked up again at a familiar sound. "Sej, yes, yes! We have to go after them! Free him!" He'd almost blurted it out before he realised he was about to say it. He was going to have to ask for help from this warlohm. ~ Sej woke up in dingy gloom. As his eyes adjusted he realised it was a huge cage woven somehow from live trees. Vivid green leaves grew in profusion, clearly undeterred by their strange formation. They filled in gaps between the branches that formed the cage frame and blocked out most of the light. Standing carefully, Sej found himself to be unharmed. The floor seemed to be a soft mixture of leaves and oddly, sand. It was refreshingly cool, and gentle on his injured feet. The one foot Tericun had partially healed barely hurt at all, and the other wasn't as bad either. With careful steps, he shuffled over to the nearest bars of his prison, reached out and pulled back a large leaf. Sunlight flooded in. With a violent pull, Sej snapped off the leaf and stood back to survey his surroundings in the better light. He was instantly surprised to find his clothes, still tattered, none worse the wear from his kidnapping. Increasingly unsurprisingly, he found the quill to still be around his neck, and as pristine as ever. He lifted it carefully, looking it over again. There was something nagging him at the back of his mind, but it wouldn't come clear. "BWOOOROGOHOOOOOOO" A deafening sound, like some giant foghorn, boomed out. Sej jumped back to the gap in the leaves and peered out. Several feet away was a strange bowl-like structure, covered in leaves too. He could see nothing else. After a few seconds Sej realised it was simply another cage like his own. Shuffling along the bars, he moved into a new position and pulled back another leaf and was rewarded with a much better view. A dazzling blue was the first thing to catch his eye. A few hundred meters away, a huge body of water stretched out, glinting in the sun. On the shoreline, Sej noted the explanation for the sand that made up his floor. Was it an ocean? Morhem hadn't made mention of any sea being so close. People were everywhere. From the distance it was impossible to get any detail, especially with the sun making silhouettes of them. Looking closer to him, Sej realised he was on the edge of a crude village. Except, everything was huge! In the centre, a vast fire pit, easily big enough to comfortably roast his entire study from back home. Single story huts, little more than mud and simple thatching, were dotted around everywhere. At the end of a long row of gradually more impressive huts was clearly some kind of palace or temple building. It dwarfed the huts, and some effort had gone into decorating it. Two giant trees formed two side walls, and then their canopy was woven over to make the roof. Sej suddenly felt very uneasy. Piles of bones stood either side of a large altar or throne. More decorated the walls, studded grotesquely into the wood and mud walls. With a cry of shock he stepped back into the gloom of his cage. How had he come here? Where was Morhem, and the man, Tericun? He looked around frantically for any sign of a door. There didn't appear to be one. A glance upwards though showed a circle in the roof, over ten feet above. It seemed to be a hole in the structure, covered over by a simple mat of leaves. A few feeble jumps towards it, and it quickly seemed there was no way he could reach it. How could he escape? ~ Woah... well this didn't turn out how I expected. But here we are now. Watcha gonna do? Taking ideas for a few days before the poll. If you're enjoying this Storygame, please use the link on the right at the top of the page to mark it as a favourite. Happy Storygaming _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Last edited by Smee on Thu May 15, 2008 5:22 am; edited 1 time in total Back to top Author Traveller Citizen Joined: 02 Apr 2008 Posts: 148 Location: Whitby, Ontario Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 7:18 am    Post subject: Smee, my lad, you've done it again. I am truly loving this story. My only frustration is having to wait to find out how Sej is going to escape. If only there was a way for me to give my suggestions on how he could do this...oh wait...nevernmind. I really like how Tericun and Morhem are finding a way to work together. You have found an interesting way to tell their story, using their language barrier to your advantage...Kudos! Giants now? Cool...it keps getting better! So Sej is a captive now and probably to become snack time. Perhaps for the DP, on how he will escape, the giants bring him forward to the fire as if they are going to eat him...then they see the quill and they all drop to their knees in reverence to it allowing him the power to escape. Either that or he uses the quill to write on the leaf he ripped off writing something like "I wish I could escape" or something to that effect. Perhaps then the quill will grant his wish...but not in the way he expected... Loving this story...my life shall be empty until you post the next one!!!...T. Back to top Author Chinaren Hallowed IFian Joined: 05 Sep 2005 Posts: 8879 Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 5:10 pm    Post subject: Nice chapter Smur, I mean Smee. First tho... Quote: , your back then. you're After this point... Quote: But he wasn't to be fooled so easily. Eyeing Tericun suspiciously, he pointed at the tracks and then mimed the fire igniting on his hand. ...you suddenly have both sides speech intelligible, yet you're only doing it from spiky's POV. Might want to think about that, he wouldn't be able to understand the mage after all. After that you switch to the mage again and back. It's a bit double edged, if you see what I mean. Now DP. Well, first check around for weak spots in the wall. These giants don't seem like the type to be civil engineers. If that doesn't help, let's take a closer look at this pen. Perhaps try writing something with it? "I wish the wall were weak?" or something? _________________ Neil Hartley Books. My Amazon page. Back to top Author DeadManWalking Duke of the Mostly Dead Joined: 24 May 2006 Posts: 1005 Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 5:54 pm    Post subject: Still awesome. I have a suggestion that probably won't work but would be awesome. If you have ever read the Oddyessey by homer, you know what I mean. Actually, I really don't want to write it all down. But for those of you who have read it, I'm thinking of something like what Oddysseus did to the Kyklop (Cyclop in many translations) Polyphemus. Although since they have two eyes it might be somewhat harder. And he doesn't have wine. And they probably don't cultivate sheep. Hmmmmm... _________________ When the dead walk, the living run. Back to top Author Mother Goose Respected Citizen Joined: 09 May 2004 Posts: 511 Location: Connecticut Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 6:05 pm    Post subject: Great story, keeps me coming back hoping for a new chapter. Just a few typos: Smee wrote: Were they more of them With ginger steps, a large alter or throne. Were there more gingerly altar __ Who is in the next cage? Maybe he/she/it knows something useful, and since Sej seems able to talk to all kinds of beings, they could work out some kind of cooperative plan. Or maybe the quill enables levitation and he can use it to fly out the hole at the top. Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 6:24 pm    Post subject: I agree with Traveller; I enjoyed reading about Morhem and Tericun. It was sufficiently believable. However, the village of the giants was not- it lacked description. I know you tried, but it's still not there. The visualization failed to appear in my mind (though you could blame my poor imagination). Quote: Piles of bones stood either side of a large alter or throne. Sloppy sentence, though I can never be sure with you brits. What seems like a typo or a mispelled word sometimes isn't. As for the DP- Attempt to talk to the giants- Sej's power resides in his understanding of all languages (seemingly) - so reason with them.[/quote] _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 5:14 am    Post subject: Thanks for the comments folks... I'm glad the situation with Morhem and Tericun, in general, passed muster. It was a tricky one. - Chinaren, you were the only one to make comment about the points of view. Although I'm not following what you mean. The tilda ( ~ ) divides should seperate a POV swap. So there's one Tericun section and one, larger Morhem section. In both sections, the reader can see legible speech from both parties. The idea being that we understand, but the two of them don't. The difference being, you don't get internal head thinkings from the opposite character. I'd hoped it had worked, but perhaps not... can you dig a little deeper on that one? - Deady... wha...wha...what? - MG, great to have you around. Glad you're enjoying. Thanks for the errors, I'll get those sorted in just a mo. - Dani, woo, glad the first part passed the litmu..erm I mean the Lotus test. I'm going to look at the camp description again now, and see what I can improve. But I don't hold hopes of reaching a D-Level of description ~ Some good ideas folks, keep em coming. Happy Storygaming _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author DeadManWalking Duke of the Mostly Dead Joined: 24 May 2006 Posts: 1005 Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 3:53 pm    Post subject: Smee wrote: - Deady... wha...wha...what? I'm guessing you haven't read the Odyssey. Although it is not entirely applicable, something could be worked out. Here's what happens. Polyphemus, the giant one-eyed man-eating ogre has Odysseus and his men trapped in the cave by a boulder only he can more. Each day, he eats two of the men (i don't remember how many he eats in all). Odysseus manages to trick him by getting him drunk, then stabbing him in the eye with a sharp stick. Then, they escape by disguising themselves as ordinary sheep's bellies. Polyphemus pushes aside the boulder to let his sheep leave, but he feels each individual before they leave. Normally, if they are not sheep, he doesn't let them out. However, with Odysseus's clever planning, they manage to fool him and escape. _________________ When the dead walk, the living run. Back to top Author Lilith Honored Citizen Joined: 10 Feb 2007 Posts: 1597 Location: Happily curled up in a Daemon's lap Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 4:37 pm    Post subject: Perhaps he has a the gift of universal communication with that quill 'round his neck and can talk his way smoothly out of the cage? Finally caught up! Woot me! Back to top Author D-Lotus Venerable IFian Joined: 21 Oct 2004 Posts: 4123 Location: Hollywood, USA Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 4:50 pm    Post subject: Quote: A deafening sound, like some giant foghorn, boomed out I like the foghorn imagery, or rather, soundagery. Anyway, your re-do was a lot better. Quote: People were everywhere. From the distance it was impossible to get any detail, especially with the sun making silhouettes of them. Looking closer to him, Sej realised he was on the edge of a crude village. Except, everything was huge! In the centre, a vast fire pit, easily big enough to comfortably roast his entire study from back home. Single story huts, little more than mud and simple thatching, were dotted around everywhere. At the end of a long row of gradually more impressive huts was clearly some kind of palace or temple building. It dwarfed the huts, and some effort had gone into decorating it. Two giant trees formed two side walls, and then their canopy was woven over to make the roof What I highlighted in bold was what seemed to me like the main impression of this paragraph. But it's a little weak; it doesn't hook me, doesn't draw my attention. It's a boring paragraph when in reality it's supposed to be exciting. I would suggest scrapping the whole thing and starting the paragraph over again. As the main impression, I would write something of this nature: Sej gazed out into the valley and was struck by the gargantuan dimensions of all of its components. The houses rose like giant temples in the sky, speckling the entire valley as if large antholes; indeed, most of them were constructed out of little more than earth, grass and leaves. These enormous huts all surrounded deferentially an even larger, more impressive building whose faces were all roughly and unevenly decorated, as if an awkward child had carved them. Anyway, that's just an example of what I would do. I started out with a somewhat shocking impression to grasp the reader's attention, especially the word gargantuan. Then I used simile to convey my vision as a writer. Finally, I added a description that reveals something about the nature of whoever made these houses (awkward child). I didn't go into the giants themselves, but I hope this helps. But feel free to ignore it if it's not your style. _________________ Chapter 5: The Rendezvous Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 2:09 am    Post subject: Quote: Anyway, your re-do was a lot better. Lol - wha..? I haven't done it yet. But thanks . More seriously, your delving into the specifics was appreciated, as was your example. Happy Storygaming _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author hopesfallyn Visitor Joined: 20 Apr 2008 Posts: 4 Location: Cranbrook, BC Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 6:31 pm    Post subject: i really like the story so far, smee, very interesting imagery, and i like the unknown factor of the quill. i feel like it hasnt been given due attention in the story thus far, sej hasn't really thought much about it or its uses. I agree with those above in that sej should try to write on a leaf, discover the quill's uses for himself. either that, or as the structure doesnt seem to be very sound, (what with the leaf-snapping off going on) try to get out and check out the other prison cell. _________________ "The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't." -Douglas Adams Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 11:08 pm    Post subject: Welcome to the Story, Hopesfallyn. Thanks for your comment, and great to have you on board. ~ Ok folks, poll will be going up tomorrow. Lets get any last minute thoughts and ideas in. It seems I've - unconsciously - fall onto a 2 week time-table for chapters. So we'll have the poll for 5 days. _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! Back to top Author scissorkitty Respected Citizen Joined: 04 Mar 2008 Posts: 789 Location: Escaping the Hair Lair Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Tue May 20, 2008 6:44 am    Post subject: I love a good poll, Smee! :) chapter is looking great! Back to top Author Smee Revered IFian Joined: 16 Oct 2004 Posts: 5215 Location: UK Items Legends Fables Strata-gems Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 8:32 am    Post subject: Poll is up Here! Looking forward to the decision here _________________ The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd! 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