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BetrayedYetLoved
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 Posted: Sun Oct 04, 2009 8:48 pm Post subject: Chapter 2: Decisions, Decisions. Warning: Graphic material |
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Prologue
In the land of Dakaar, there are many creatures about. You have your unicorns, centaurs, mermaids, ogres, leprechauns, and many, many more. Then there are the Vampires, but they are not like the modern day vampires. They do not turn into bats and fly away. These Vampires come out in the daylight and do not turn to ash. As for powers, they can cast spells, and withdraw ailments from another person and take it into themselves.
However, the Vampires do feast on human blood. There was a time that we tried animal blood but it doesn’t make us as strong as a human’s. They are pale, and have a heightened sense of smell and sound. If you look at us we can mesmerize and draw you in with our eyes. Last but not least, they are empaths that desire acceptance, and We are very dominant and amazing in bed. Or so I hear from my affairs anyway.
As for the Elven species; they tend to get hot-headed and relentless whenever someone attacks their safety or insults their dignity. They are otherwise peaceful. When it comes to powers; they can cast spells, levitate, and are rumored to be very submissive and amazing lovers as well. The Elven Kingdom is considered very wealthy, flawless, and well know for celebrating everything with masquerades and of course courting others.
Finally, as for the Wizarding community, they are always content unless someone betrays them. They are stubborn, and take things in stride. Wizards are the only ones that get along with every creature in the land. As for Their powers; they conjure, cast, and levitate. In fact, the Security Charms that surround all the Kingdoms are casted by the High Wizards.
In all of the Kingdoms there are specific titles. There are the High Princess, King or Queen,Prince, Royal Guards, and the Mages. It is possible to have any of the titles and still be a Guard or Mage. Also, the creatures here are not machines. They are born and made by others. Each species has their own powers and together, it is possible to produce hybrids as offspring. Whether it be an Elf and Wizard, Elf and Vamp, or Vamp and Wizard, it is still possible. When the DNA combines, a powerful child is created and will have powers of both parents. There is actually research going on as to whether there are new powers that they may develop that we have no idea about.
This story takes place Centuries down the road when a feud breaks out between our kind and the Elven Clans. The Lotaeh, a Vampire clan opposed to the ones I lead, attacked the King of the Elven Kingdom. Remember when I said that they don’t forgive? Well, to this day they continue to enforce rules against us. We are never to cross into their territory or we could be executed. The Wizards were not involved in the feud. They actually tried to be peace-makers in the matter.
You see, Cayden was the King of the Wizards and had a personal attachment to the war. For, he was in love with my mother, Datania. She was a Vampire and ended up being executed for suspicion in the Elven King’s murder. He worked relentlessly ever since to end the nonsense that put a dark cloud over Dakaar. He worked harder than ever, trying to fill the void of losing the love of his life. But a few months after my mother was murdered, my father decided to go against his principles and approach the Elven Clan. He was told that the wizarding communities were accomplices to the vampire clan.
My father was shielding me the day of the confrontation so I wouldn’t see the “trophies” that the Elven Clan kept to intimidate any who argue with their ways .The trophies consisted of an ancient trunk, with rustic gold clasps, full of each individual’s attire and possessions. Elven clans keep the trophies out in the front lawn with each individual name of the deceased engraved in giant, bold letters on the front of the trunks. I was only 15 at the time and on that day I watched the elves retaliate and kill my father for confronting them and supposedly, being an accomplice.
The nonsense killed him in the end, and I’ve never forgiven them for what they did. Even though the magical generations of today did not do any harm, we still pay for the misunderstanding that happened between the Kingdoms all those centuries ago. Now it is up to the current generations to set the record straight in the land of Dakaar. So, as you see the story starts from here. One unexpected thing happens for me. Although I hate the Elven clans, Their High Princess has caught my eye and I find myself falling in love with her. Shortly after my family was killed, I went to stay with my uncle. He was the Prince of the wizards, and he sent me to magic school where I met the Elven king’s daughter; Princess Tala.
Chapter 1: “Infatuation Begins”
"There are so many rooms how will I know which window is hers?” I wonder aloud; snapping out of a flashback to what started the feud in the first place. “What option do I have but to rely on my senses? They are usually right, especially when it’s about… her.”
I happen to just glance into the first window I see and there she is. The black candles and the oil lamp on her vanity cast just enough light to see her silhouette standing in the middle of her room, As I look more closely, she looks as though she is in deep thought. How I would like to know what she is thinking. I press myself against the cold stone of the castle, trying to go unnoticed. She removes her corset top and proceeds to take off the clothes that hide her perfect body. I watch as she undoes her necklace.
Staring in awe at the lovely Elven Princess in front of me, in all her glory and oh, how I long to touch her body. I see the necklace has left a cut on her neck and blood starts to trickle down her collarbone. I am suddenly in a trance as I watch her move across the room to look into the mirror. She looks at her cut and then she puts her finger on it. She draws her hand to her mouth and tastes the blood. This is shocking considering I thought only us vampires liked the taste of blood. I have to keep my breathing shallow, for the guards might hear.
We are supposed to be enemies but our powers seem to draw us to each other like a moth to a flame. I've tried to stay away, really I have, but something tells me I must be near her and with her.
Tala; what a lovely name for such a lovely creature. I've been intrigued by her ever since our eyes met all those years ago when we were in magic school together. A glimpse of her is not nearly enough.
"Stop drooling and get a move on," I say to myself. I hear guards coming along the cobbled road. It kills me to leave her, the glimpse of her is not enough, I have to be with her. The way those green eyes shine; the way her long, dark, red hair blows as the wind causes a breeze through her window. The way she looks so innocent yet so evil makes me thirst for her so. Vampires at this particular time are never allowed to mingle with elves, let alone what I desire to do with Tala.
If only I were able to talk with her. but, what would she think of me?. I hide in shadow afraid of what she may think. My fangs, my pale complexion, what have her people told her of me? On one hand, it would be torture to glance again, but on the other hand it would be pure agony not to. I lean towards catching another glance. It's pouring rain in the tiny town, but I don't care. I run to the window, I look in and I see her; as if on cue, sitting at her desk with book in hand. Her hair tucked slightly behind her ears. That always puts a smile on my face. The way her hair falls behind those ears, how I wish to have her hair fall in front of her face while being on top of me.
I stand for awhile, not wanting to leave. Without watching my step, I shift, snapping a twig, and she stirs, looking out the window at the sound. I duck down hoping she didn't see me. For, if she did, she would have her guards seize me. Tala walks over to the window, and in the most beautiful, sexy voice says:
"Is anyone there?" She sighs, "If only there was someone there to rescue me, protect me, love me, someone to be completely hung up on and addicted to."
How I want to say “Yes, I'm her.” Unfortunately I can't. The words break my heart, because I know I may be the One. But then again, it would be suicide and heartache at her rejection. And, that, I’m not ready to handle.
I decide to let it go for the night. If the guards were to catch me; not only would I be taken into hostage for spying on elves but on top of it all Tala would find out that I was looking into her window. I can’t bear that embarrassment and face her look of disgust as she casts judgment upon me. As the Princess, she has taken over the throne. So I catch one last glimpse, and then casually start walking back towards my mansion on the other side of town.
On my way home, I hear talk of the Elven beauty. I continue walking, just slow enough that my sensitive hearing can pick up on the talk of the town. One man says,
“Tala has been informed of the Fanged Ones, “referring to my kind.
Another person, an elderly man, in desperate need of a shave and smelling of grog, was talking to his horse and buggy says:
“That Tala is going to fall in love with an Elven princess, or maybe a wizard, but certainly not a vampire.”
As I hear what people are saying, I think to myself, “Why can’t she fall in love with me? After all, I’m 50% Wizard, and 50% Vampire. Just because of myth, she can’t love half of me?”
“Fine,” I say. My curiosity leads me to wonder if she could be happy with the other 50%.
I continue walking past the houses and quaint little shops. I make my way to the Fangtastic Shelves, which is the local bookstore, coffee shop, and a blood bank, (for the vampires). The founders of the land of Dakaar decided it’d be much easier to have a blood bank, so my kind could coexist with the others and not drain the townspeople. For if that happened, who would pay taxes?
Last edited by BetrayedYetLoved on Tue Dec 22, 2009 11:39 pm; edited 5 times in total
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sun Oct 04, 2009 9:25 pm Post subject: |
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Welcome to the city Betrayed...
Well, its not badly written. Very detailed and you get a real feel for the character, at least what you can in such a short space.
But a few notes:
1: You don't need to post in both the linear and general fiction. If you mean this to be a storygame... just here is preferable. Linear is mostly for stories written without votes or interaction from the audience (although it IS asking for feedback and commentary as any other post)
2: Space out your paragraphs. Every few sentances should be a paragraph in online writing.
3: Usually, with SGs (Story Games), we give the audience a chance to discuss possible options in our replies before putting up a poll. This time I'd say its fine since the options do seem pretty cut and dry.
4: Good job for just jumping in and giving it a go! I'm sure I speak for all of IF when I say we're happy to have you and we'll be happy to read and play your storygames! That said, almost all of us here are authors with running SGs ourselves. The best way to get read, (aside from being new  ) is to take part in other SGs as well.
Again, welcome to our fair city of IF, BetrayedYetLoved (interesting name by the way...)
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 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Sun Oct 04, 2009 10:05 pm Post subject: |
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Well, there's not much I can add to the good advice above. 
I've voted, and am looking forward to seeing the next instalment. Give it a few days to gather some votes before starting to write.
In the meantime, I hope you enjoy having a look at some of the other Storygames, and perhaps have a go at playing some of them.
Welcome to IF, Betrayed!
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DeadManWalking
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| Posted: Mon Oct 05, 2009 3:33 pm Post subject: |
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Is there a possibility of our main character being discovered without him speaking up? Because i would find that hilarious.
But besides that point, very detailed work so far. Can't say much more than Tbird and Cfrog have already said, but yeah. Nice work so far.
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Amichan
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| Posted: Tue Oct 06, 2009 6:26 am Post subject: |
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First off Welcome.. Second I think everyone else has taken what would have said .. But some advice i can give is try to develop your scene a little bit better.. the more we know about the scene the more we (the reader) can relate to the character and the scene and can understand more of what the character is feeling and/ or experiancing
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BetrayedYetLoved
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| Posted: Thu Oct 08, 2009 9:26 am Post subject: I need a tie breaker. |
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| okay the vote is 50/50 i just need a few more votes to decide.
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Fri Oct 09, 2009 10:05 pm Post subject: |
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Poll Result
What Will Happen Next
Speak up and risk it all
50% [ 2 ]
Go back to my cottage in the mountains
0% [ 0 ]
Continue watching Tala
50% [ 2 ]
Total Votes : 4
Who Voted: Crunchyfrog, DeadManWalking, Kang, Thunderbird
Chapter 2 - Originally posted by BetrayedYetLoved
I decide to let it go for the night. If the guards were to catch me; not only would i be taken into hostage for spying on elves but on top of it all Tala would find out that i was looking into her window. I can’t bear that embarrassment and face her look of disgust as she cast judgment upon me.
As the Princess she took over the throne after her father passed away. So I catch one last glimpse, and then casually start walking back to my mansion on the other side of town.
On my way home, I hear talk of the Elven beauty. I continue walking, just slow enough that my sensitive hearing can pick up on the talk of the town. One man says,
“Tala has been informed of the Fanged Ones ,(referring to my kind.)”
Another person, an elderly man, in desperate need of a shave and smelling of beer, was talking to his horse an buggy says:
“That Tala is going to fall in love with an Elven princess, or maybe a wizard.”
As I hear what people are saying, I think to myself, “Why can’t she fall in love with me? After all, I’m 50% Wizard, and 50% Vampire. Just because of myth, she can’t love half of me?”
“Fine,” I say. My curiosity leads me to wonder if she could be happy with the other 50%.
I continue walking past the houses and quaint little shops. I make my way to the Fangtastic Shelves, which is the local bookstore, coffee shop, and a blood bank, (for the vampires). The founders of the town of Dakkar decided it’d be much easier to have a blood bank, so my kind could coexist with the others and not drain the townspeople. For if that happened, who would pay taxes?
Last edited by Crunchyfrog on Fri Oct 09, 2009 10:48 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Amichan
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| Posted: Fri Oct 09, 2009 10:12 pm Post subject: |
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this isn't bad but the chapters have to be much longer at 1000 to 2000 words
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Fri Oct 09, 2009 10:32 pm Post subject: |
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Hey there BetrayedYetLoved,
Good to see you getting on to the next chapter.
It is best to keep all your chapters together by hitting the 'Reply' button (like you have done in the Linear section).
The forum software here doesn't really allow us to splice threads together, so to help players know where they are, your second chapter has been taken out, and copy-pasted into this thread. (with the thread title edited). The results of your first poll have also been recorded, so you can see who voted.
Some tips on how to write a Storygame can be found Here
Have a go at playing Biv Wacked by Klafarius - his SG is on the suggestion phase at the moment.
If you've got any questions or are not sure, just ask!
Me? I voted for the first option. Keep going, see if you can get those chapters longer next time.
Cheers!
CF
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Amichan
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| Posted: Sat Oct 10, 2009 3:04 am Post subject: |
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There is still one issue that i am seeing and that is the fact is this a full storygame where everyone give their input or is this a you do everything linear that may help boost your readers if they knew for sure what this story is to be
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sat Oct 10, 2009 5:23 am Post subject: |
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Um... Kang... was that a statement or a question?
I think what Kang was trying to say was this:
Usually when you end at a decision point, you would allow us to figure out possible ways the character could go. Leave us without a poll for a while so we can debate out some possible solutions with our posts. Then, after a few days to a week or so, you can put up a poll and we can then vote on possible courses of action from among options we've generated (plus, in some cases, some other options you may have thought of yourself).
That said, I've often wondered if it would be effective enough just to do what you've done here, just putting up a poll of the options you see and letting us vote on those. The one benefit this method would have would be that not every chapter needs to end with a cliffhanger style ending, something I think has been brought up as a minor frustration with Storygames in general by some of the more developed authors here.
Since this ending wouldn't have provided us with a clear idea of what the decision point was without having put up the poll, perhaps this time it was OK to just poll us.
Then again, Kang MIGHT have been trying to say... how did our vote in the previous poll come into play in the way the chapter was written this time? Seems we had a tie and you picked from the two results that were tied? I suppose that works, but when I've had to break ties in the past, I've often tried to write an outcome that was somewhat between the two, if possible.
About the story itself:
I'm a little frustrated with the way the setting is expressed, or rather how little it really is. We can probably work on the basically assumed definitions of terms such as 'vampire', 'wizard', and 'elf', but I would ask you to attempt to write to us with the assumption that we know little of the details of what these things mean in your world. And the truth is, there's been so many different variations on those themes that I don't think its fair for an author to assume that such terms come along with set pre-definitions. Especially in terms of being a storygame player, I have little concept as to what sort of social and physical limitations and strengths our main character would have in this world.
It's clear its not cool for him to see this elven maid, but there's a lot more to social interaction there that seems missing. In particular, this leaves us a little lost as to what a GOOD option would be at the moment. That said, I'd say if society has accepted vampires enough to offer them a source of substinance other than hunting people in the night, its probably to the benefit of vampire-kind that that source be used. I vote he goes to the bloodbank. (and running into his romantic interest at this stage would be pushing the plot a bit too fast I'd say...)
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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Amichan
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| Posted: Sat Oct 10, 2009 7:52 am Post subject: |
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i guess to be to the point T-bird is it a SG or a linear because it is here and in the Linears
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DeadManWalking
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| Posted: Sat Oct 10, 2009 10:12 am Post subject: |
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I do have to wonder as well. Is wizard a race or a profession as it usually is? And is vampire a race or a template? (As in, are vampires a separate race, or is it a subset of humanity? Can you get elven vampires? Do all vampires lose their old race, or do they not have old races (i.e. are born?))
Also, does he have a cottage in the mountains or a mansion on the other side of town?
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BetrayedYetLoved
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| Posted: Tue Oct 13, 2009 8:50 pm Post subject: I'm still working on it |
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| To let everyone know. i didnt mean to offend. I'm still working on my story. I'm new to the game sorry you didnt like it and i'll take it off of sg
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BetrayedYetLoved
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| Posted: Tue Oct 13, 2009 8:51 pm Post subject: By the way |
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| Tristram is NOt a guy...
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Tue Oct 13, 2009 9:07 pm Post subject: |
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Hey there Betrayed!
Don't let the constructive criticism get you down, and trust me, nobody's offended!  Writing a SG is not as easy as it looks, but it is very rewarding when it all comes right. We're just trying to help, is all.
You've got a good response in your poll, people are reading.
So keep at it, keep in mind what people have said as you write, and above all, have fun!
Looking forward to what you have next. 
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Amichan
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| Posted: Tue Oct 13, 2009 10:24 pm Post subject: |
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I have to agree with Crunchy on this one Don't get too discouraged trust me I was in your very shoes at one point and it took a certain frog( glances at crunchy ) to help me get my thoughts straight on my SG's when i had some up. If your not sure how to proceed on your SG Crunchy , Smee or a few of the other vetrans would no doubt help you in any way possible to ensure that you have a solid enjoyable storygame
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Traveller
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| Posted: Wed Oct 14, 2009 6:22 am Post subject: |
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Hey Betrayed...just caught up...now let me preface this by saying that Vampires and the like are not really my thing...but you have an interesting premise here. I like that its not your typical Vampire in modern day story (coughTwilightcough) but seems to be set in "fantasy" medievil times(just taking that by the oil lamp, elves and wizards). We often see vampires in our times but rarely see them in "the past"...good idea!
Your second chappy is a little short but don't worry about it. Just try to flesh out the next one with more description. You started out very good in the first chappy...I particularly liked the 5th sentence that starts with "The black candles and the oil lamp..." but you seem to have let it drop a bit. Start peppering those descriptive talents throughout and I think you will find you are struggling to keep your chapters to a managable length rather than trying to expand them.
Having said that though, it is your story and if you want the chappy to be one word...go right ahead...don't let a silly thing like rules get in your way (and if anyone argues with you over that, you just tell them to talk to Traveller...I will set them straight...lol)
On that note, like the others said, take the constructive crits with a grain of salt. I think you will find this site is full of honest, helpful people who all share an intrest in writing. One of the things that really drew me in when I found the city was the free crits from individuals who actually are very knowledgable and the team effort everyone seems to have. Enjoy that because it is rare.
So before I continue to be long winded, Welcome to the City and I look forward to continuing to read your SG...T.
(BTW, I voted for the bloodbank...lets meet more of his kind)
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DeadManWalking
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| Posted: Wed Oct 14, 2009 4:03 pm Post subject: |
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My apologies. It was unclear to me what gender Tristam was, and language classes always teach "When in doubt, assume masculine."
My latin teacher would be so happy with me. 
But yeah, don't get discouraged. My first attempts at SG's are MUCH worse than what you've can already apparently do consistently (Thank God those got deleted) and i turned out fine. Ish.
Just listen to the constructive criticism as such fine writers and editors as those posting above me and you should do fine.
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Amichan
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| Posted: Wed Oct 14, 2009 7:14 pm Post subject: |
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ooh to the bloodbank we go make sure to make mine extra strong O-
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Amichan
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| Posted: Wed Oct 21, 2009 12:34 am Post subject: |
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Have you come up with a title for this storygame???
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Wed Oct 21, 2009 4:02 am Post subject: |
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Personally... I'd like this to stay as a storygame rather than see it go to linear. I have a much easier time finding interest in stories where I have an opportunity to influence things somewhat. And yeah, we don't mean to be SG nazis here... we have ways we have come to expect storygaming to be but it doesn't mean they always have to be that way... trial and error has led us to some 'best practices' over time and we're eager to share what we've learned.
Additionally, we've all seen ourselves grow here, often from pretty shoddy beginnings. We're DEFINATELY not trying to step on your creative spark with our criticisms... (and if I or anyone else here has come across that way I humbly apologize).
We've all had others help to guide us along and have come to appreciate it a great deal. As we grow here, we might become more and more critical over time, forgetting what it was like to take those first few tenuous steps...
My advice is to keep plugging! If you're getting comments and response, you're doing something right!
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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BetrayedYetLoved
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| Posted: Fri Oct 30, 2009 8:57 pm Post subject: "Into The Shelves" Warning: Explicit Content |
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I lean against the stone wall outside of the Fangtastic Shelves, trying to process everything that has happened over the years. I know that Tala is supposed to be my enemy, but I cannot stop my thoughts about her. They become more and more intense every day. The thoughts have become so frequent that it seems almost real.
“What should I do?” I ask myself.
She is everything anyone could ever want but she does not know my biggest secret. Not only am I a vampire, I am leader of many clans across the land as well. I started gathering information about Tala when we were in magic school about 4 years ago. I was always so interested in her affairs and it turned into an obsession. I fell for her at the mere age of 16 and now I am 19 to mortals but in reality I was 115 and now am 119.
Despite what my court thinks of her, I do not see her as competition or enemy. The only ones that know what my views of Tala are Braedon and Nashoba. They have been my friends for about 5-6 years or so. Braedon is a vampire/wizard like I, but she is with Nashoba who is half elf and half werewolf. My other lord and ladies of my castle do not approve of inter relations with other creatures but they cannot turn a blind eye to me because I am royalty.
Braedon and Nashoba do not have people watching them at almost every second, so they are able to get away with more than I. I am half-blooded but they also are unaware to that. I do well to withhold my information. My demeanor is enough to keep them at bay.
I constantly long for something more to life than sleeping with the maids and nobles that are vampiric. I need some variety but in order to get the variety I must try and get inside the princess’s thoughts. I am looking for someone that is different. After all, I am a mixed variety myself. Maybe I should post something in the local haunts to try and find subjects that I can amuse myself with. But what would the flyer say?
“ Single, half vampire, half wizard, seeking a woman of variety?” “Wow, not at all off the charts are you Tristram?” I say aloud to myself.
Out of the shadows I see Braedon and Nashoba as if they knew I was thinking of them. They are my main confidants whenever my mind is clouded or when I need to vent. Braedon always tries to fix me up with any and everyone she finds. She tries to find someone that can satisfy both my thirst and needs. The attempts are not very successful even though her heart is in the right place.
She motions for someone to follow, and then I see a lady step out of the shadows. As Nashoba and the other two started to cross the road, an emerald colored carriage with a black steed sped by. My friends almost got trampled by a horse drawn carriage; I am shocked to see a coat of arms on the side of the carriage. I notice the coat of arms is silver and then it hits me that it is the carriage of Elven Royalty. As I watch, It pulls up to the Fangtastic shelves and an emerald cloaked figure steps out. The creature in the emerald cloak makes sure to keep their head covered, and walked inside. The carriage pulled away and I looked to make sure my friends were not harmed.
The three of them cross the road and I see the mysterious creature dressed in a midnight blue cloak. I could now tell that the creature was a woman due to the fact that her cloak was form fitting velvet. She wore a mask embedded with jewels, and I couldn’t help at the moment to wonder why she tried to hide her face. The woman approaches me and kneels down on the wet cobbled road; for it had rained earlier in the day.
She knelt before me without saying a word and looked at me. I bent down just enough to push back her hood and mask. I see her long black hair slowly emerge from the velvet hood and fall to the middle of her back. Her face is so pale and her shimmering blue eyes are so piercing. Her lips of red,and her ears are pierced all the way up.
“You are so beautiful, why do you hide your face so?” I ask.
In a cold yet attractive voice she says; “Because I have hurt so many that I try to hide my shame.”
Her response seems to be false, because my first impression did not see that. But then again, first impressions often are not what they seem. I am curious if she could even come close to satisfying me, or if she’ll just be another fling.
I say, “Tell me your name?”
“Esmeralda, your highness,” she says in that tone that could melt my stone cold heart.
I think for a moment then say, “Braedon and Nashoba will take you to my mansion.” “I will meet you there momentarily, after I tend to a few things.”
Esmeralda looks at me with a wanting stare and says;”I would be delighted to spend time with you, Tristram, but I will wait for you out here if you don’t mind.”
I look at her and can’t help but smile at her stubborn attitude and say,
“As you wish. Braedon and Nashoba, I thank you for being there and trying to help me find someone to sit beside me on the throne and to share my bed.” “I hope you know that I honor you even above myself, and we shall have a celebratory feast once I have attended to the matters of my heart and matters of revenge once and for all."
I watch as Esmeralda and my friends descend into the forest, stopping halfway between the town and the path to my mansion in the snow capped mountains to wait on me. Once they are out of looking distance, I step inside the Shelves for a pint of that ruby liquid that enlightens our kind. The way the thick, sweet liquid tastes on your tongue and the way it feels when it goes down your throat is intriguing.
What’s even more interesting is the trance you slip into when you see it on someone’s skin. All of a sudden your mouth waters and you feel completely high on the scent, look, and taste. There is just no feeling that comes close other than sex. Combining the both with sadism and masochism creates more ecstasy than you can imagine. Snapping out of a trance; I look around at the atmosphere of the bookstore.
I’m instantly surrounded by the aroma of a concoction of coffee and chocolate. As I pass the coffee stand I take in the scent of new and old books. There are thousands and thousands of books upon the old, dusty, six-foot tall, shelves. If you look closely, you’ll see the wear and tear from over the years. Not to mention the dust that lies upon the books that have been untouched for centuries.
I move along past the black leather chairs to a desk where Genevive, the usual bookkeeper normally sat. To my surprise I see the emerald cloaked figure standing with her back to me. The figure pulls back the hood, and turns around to sit down at the desk. To my utter shock, the figure turned out to be Tala. I am automatically in a trance as I watch her sitting at the desk and twirl her hair with her finger.
She looks so innocent; still holding that damn book she always carries. I can’t help the intensity of my thoughts to go over and ravage her. I continue to approach the counter and I end up slipping on the hardwood floor with a cherry wood finish. She looks up over the same book she carries everywhere, and looks at me for a minute or two.
Okay, so its obvious that she was in that carriage but why is she behind the desk? At this particular moment, her guards are nowhere in sight. Should I actually talk to her this time? After all, she continually keeps glancing up at me.
I decide to grab possibly the only chance I may get. I have to hear her voice, because I’ve lost the glimmer of happiness I feel when she speaks.
“Hi, ta..ta..Tala;” I stutter with what minute bit of dignity I have left after sliding across the store on my back.
“Hello, are you okay?” She replies with tenderness yet yearning in her voice.
“I normally try to stay on my feet.” I say and at the same time, I am thinking, “If I were with you, I’d stay off my feet mostly.”
Tala looks at me, biting her lip and with a little smirk, says, “At least you are able to heal faster if you were to be hurt.”
I can’t even think how to reply, so I change the topic.
“If you don’t mind me asking, why are you here of all places?”
Tala studies me for a moment and then replies,” The faerie, Genevive, quit suddenly, and since I have such a passion for books I decided to take the position.”
I have to bite my tongue in order not to let it slip that I watch her. I look at her still dazed and in my subconscious I am imagining taking her on the desk right here, right now.
Last edited by BetrayedYetLoved on Tue Dec 22, 2009 10:33 pm; edited 1 time in total
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BetrayedYetLoved
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| Posted: Fri Oct 30, 2009 8:59 pm Post subject: "Into The Shelves" Warning: Explicit Content |
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| I know that there are pucntuation and grammatical mistakes but hopefully you guys like it
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Amichan
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| Posted: Fri Oct 30, 2009 11:39 pm Post subject: |
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Well what you have here is excellent there are 2 main issues i see 1. you haven't left us with a clear decison point as what what we can have happen next and 2. i may have missed the last poll so i am wondering if this last chapter is based on the last poll . But i may have missed it which is then my mistake
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2009 4:57 pm Post subject: |
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Hi Betrayed,
I really like the way that you write. It's very descriptive, and you get a real picture of what you are reading about.
But I agree with Kang. There doesn't seem to be any real decision point. Even so, I am looking foward to reading more. 
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
 
 
  
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 2:47 am Post subject: |
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In my opinion this is the best chapter from you yet. Some good ideas and imagery. I don't see a DP here, yet - so if you'd like us to put in some suggestions for the next poll, it'd be great if you could guide us on what the decision point is to be. But well done, so far!
Hope you'll find some time to play some of the other storygames here too.
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BetrayedYetLoved
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| Posted: Thu Nov 12, 2009 4:39 pm Post subject: Thanks for the suggestions |
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| hey guys thank you for the suggestions. i normally only right poems and journals but im really working on it.. any suggestions on how to come to a decision point. sorry new to the game
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Amichan
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| Posted: Thu Nov 12, 2009 7:33 pm Post subject: |
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well then a suitable DP is very simple your character has the urge to their intimate fantasy into a reality. so does she feed that urge by taking advantage of the situation or does she resist her temptation and try to learn more about Tala or do you play coy to the entire situation.I think that these should help with a useable DP
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BetrayedYetLoved
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| Posted: Fri Dec 04, 2009 8:54 pm Post subject: Chapter 3 Warning: Graphic material. discretion advised |
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As the daydream becomes more intense and my breathing starts to become more rapid, Tala asks;
“Are you alright, your face is stricken with red?”
I stumble on my words once again and say, “Just got lost in a train of thought that is dangerous yet very appealing.”
Why is it that every time I talk to this Elven Beauty; that I always stumble on my words, and find myself in a sort of trance that keeps me from talking to her? Whenever I see her in person, it’s hard to actually talk to her. Maybe it’s just as well that I don’t say anything for fear it might be the wrong thing. Perhaps, I should just let her alone because it always seems that everywhere I go I bring; confusion, pain, suffering to others, and at the same time creating the same effects on myself as well.
Tala looks at me and smiles as she rises and gathers a pile of old, dusty books in her arms and comes out from behind the desk. I just look at her and watch, making sure to absorb every movement. Some would think I had stalker tendencies. “No, not me, not at all,” I think to myself. As she continues to gaze into my eyes she bumped into a chair and then suddenly tripped over her floor length, evergreen dress and the books fly everywhere. I quickly move to catch her before she falls and to catch her books that she was holding.
In the blink of an eye, I am holding both Tala and her books in my arms. The speed in which I moved surprised even me. We both rise to stand and I hand her the dusty, old, yet intriguing books. She looks at me stunned and says,
“I’ve always been told to stay away from you but I find you so captivating. It’s a very confusing feeling really, I just wish there weren’t so many rules to abide by and what’s even worse is, half of the rules don’t make any sense.”
Looking dumbfounded, she thanks me and proceeds to the other side of the room where the newest releases are kept. I stand trying to absorb the one-sided venting session that had just occurred, and quickly decide to follow her. Perhaps there is hope that I can get through to her despite her family’s regulations that are based on misunderstandings and selfish pride.I catch up to her and offer to carry her books and she says,
“Do you really want to waste your time carrying someone’s books?”
If I didn’t know any better, I would say that the Princess is flirting with me. I smile slightly crookedly, for I have been plotting what I would say if I got the chance.
“Well, first off, I never got to do it in magic school and now seems like it would make up for that.It’s definitely worth it to do anything to spend some time with you. I noticed how much you admire books, and I would like to be able to talk to you some more. If nothing else, please allow me to help you out around the bookstore, that way you will be in your safety zone and won’t feel as awkward about what your subjects would say if we were caught cavorting with each other near mine nor your kingdom.”
Last edited by BetrayedYetLoved on Tue Dec 22, 2009 10:47 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Sat Dec 05, 2009 1:03 am Post subject: |
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Good writing, Betrayed, keep it going!
I've voted, and lets see where it takes the story.
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sat Dec 05, 2009 10:43 am Post subject: |
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Sorry I missed the last chapter Betrayed... it confused me a bit but this one sorta cleared things up...
I like the emotional tension ypu've built here.
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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BetrayedYetLoved
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| Posted: Sat Dec 05, 2009 3:47 pm Post subject: |
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| Sorry bout the confusion of last chapter had a bit of writers block but i think im doing better... i'll leave poll up for few more days then close it out.. looking good so far thank you. as for the emotional tension its very similar to what ive been through and personal experience always helps.... Thanks guys.
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BetrayedYetLoved
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| Posted: Mon Dec 14, 2009 4:28 am Post subject: Chapter 3. . Warning Explicit content. discretion advised. |
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Tala looks at me with so much concentration that I start to get chills, and start to feel uncomfortable. It seems as if hours go by and then she walks up to the bookshelf and starts to put away the books that she held. She is so graceful and precise with the spot of each book and the way the books are facing.
I find it hard to comprehend just what her fascination with mere reading materials is. I follow her over to the shelf and try to catch her eye, but she seems to be avoiding me. Is it perhaps due to the fact that she is in deep consideration about what I proposed, or is it just the cold shoulder technique in an attempt to let me down easily? There is only one way to find out the answer to my dilemma.
“Tala, I don’t quite understand if that is a yes or no to either accompanying me on a date or just accepting my offer to help you around the bookstore. If you would rather me just walk away and let you be, I’m sorry that I am not capable of doing so.”
She runs her hand across the bookshelf and pauses her finger on an old, hard backed, green leather book. She runs her finger up and down the spine, and I can tell that something is causing her to be distant.
“Well, to be quite honest Tristram, I would love to accompany you on a date and also to have your assistance around the Fangtastic Shelves. However, I am trying to figure out how soon we could meet without it being the least bit suspicious, and yet my mind draws to a blank.”
Without letting my voice show the excitement of her answer, I say;
“Well, how bout next week or so. I will act like our meeting is nothing more than coincidence.”
Once again she ponders my suggestions in her mind and says,
“Next week it is but there is one condition. We must keep our courting each other a secret….for now anyway. Is that alright with you, or would you just rather turn away?”
“My dear, I would never dream about turning away from you no matter what I have to go through to get close to you. Perhaps next week we can spend our time reminiscing about our old school days together even though we never really talked.” I say, knowing full well that once again my emotions show through my face. You would think that being as pale as I am that I wouldn’t be able to blush, but not to fret over, she seems to think it is interesting. I look at the ground and try to avoid her gaze at my blushing face and then after a few moments I get up the courage to look up at her.
To my utter shock she is blushing so much that it looks as though she was wind-whipped across the face in the middle of winter. She is smiling from ear to ear, and at the same time I get the distinct feeling she is daydreaming.
“I would be delighted to reminisce with you, and I look forward to our meeting next week. Until then please take this as a token of promise that you will show and at the same time as a promise to keep our courting a secret until our kingdoms can come to their senses.”
She puts something into my hand and closes it. I look down to see what she had betrothed to me and it was an emerald handkerchief with her kingdom’s coat of arms in the middle, and surrounded by silver lace.
I bent down and kissed her hand and said, “I cannot wait till next week either, and I will keep our courting a secret until our kingdoms can come to their senses. I will depart now to my home and I will be here again the Thursday of next.”
I take a look at Tala for one more moment, as if absorbing every detail of her and noting it to memory. I turn about and make my way through the now dimly lit and empty bookstore. Chairs were unoccupied; trash and books also littered the marble topped tables.
Apparently, I got so captivated and immersed into our conversation that I didn’t notice it was 2:00 in the morning, which is half an hour after closing time. I pass the coffee stand with the shade pulled down with a sign that said closed. I approach the front door and reach to grab my floor length, black, trench coat and my black fedora off the hook right by the window.
Once again, like paranoia or something, I look back yet again at her to tip my hat and wave at the new found flame that sparked a wildfire like thirst. She smiled, and turned to go back to her desk. Amazing it is. How she walked over to put away 8 ancient, leather books, and came back with a date with a vampire. I open the door and step into the night.
“Tristram, what on earth have you been doing? You’ve been gone for hours; did you find something to occupy yourself?” Braedon asked, with a wink and smile.
“No, well yes, but not occupied, in the way you suggest. I ran into Her again, and had the most amazing and happiest conversation that I’ve ever had with anyone.”
“Until now, I’ve never done much talking, but apparently my flirting skills have not deteriorated over my 119 years as much as I thought. It was very nice to talk to someone I have so much history with. Anyway, I am sorry to have kept you ladies waiting.”
Braedon looked at me with an even bigger smile and asked, “Nashoba and Esmeralda can’t hear, so tell me, do you get to see her again?”
“Next Thursday, and our courting must be kept a secret until our kingdoms can come to their senses, which in all honesty probably will never happen.”
“Don’t worry Tristram, your secret is as always, safe with me; Nashoba and I actually have to get home and do some courting ourselves, do be careful, hear?”
I look at Braedon and say;
“ Aren’t I always?”
Braedon whistles as she walks past and Nashoba looks at her as she motions for her to follow. As the both of them head down the cobbled streets, Esmeralda turned to look at me and started walking towards me.
“Are you ready to head to your place yet, your highness?” She asked.
With an evil thought and a smirk, I say,
“Yes my dear, my business is well taken care of.”
I help her up into the carriage and then climb in behind her.
“To the mansion, James.” I say to the driver.
With a nod of his head, the carriage comes to life as the horses prance down the road. As we approach my mansion, I can’t help but think how much emotional, not to mention how much sexual tension has occurred between Tala and me.
The carriage pulls into my pine tree lined, gravel, driveway, and I start to question myself and wonder if I should go through with my sexual activities for the evening, just feed, or if I should just hold out. For the past two nights, I haven’t been able to feed at the Fangtastic Shelves. The other night I was just too occupied watching Tala and then tonight, I was actually talking to her.
My thirst has gotten undeniably worse and I need to feed soon or I will end up draining the first thing that crosses my path. The worst fear that I have is that the first thing that does cross my path would be Tala and I can’t bear to drain her. James stops the carriage and I sit there thinking. Thinking to myself, I ask, “What do I do?”
Last edited by BetrayedYetLoved on Tue Dec 22, 2009 11:21 pm; edited 1 time in total
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BetrayedYetLoved
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| Posted: Mon Dec 14, 2009 4:31 am Post subject: hope its not too short |
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| i know this chapter might be short but i think its still very detailed hope ya like it.
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Mon Dec 14, 2009 10:56 am Post subject: |
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This was another good chapter, Betrayed! Short'n'sweet!
Though I am unclear on the DP. Is it ideas for what they might do the next time they meet?
Still, was really good!
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Mon Dec 14, 2009 1:27 pm Post subject: |
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To me this read like a sub chapter... not really a full one but an extension of the last. The writing is improving and I'm enjoying the depth your giving your characters. But yeah... if there's a dp, perhaps it should be posed in the form of a question to the audience at the end.
_________________
CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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Amichan
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| Posted: Mon Dec 21, 2009 9:28 pm Post subject: |
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I havn't had the chance to keep up with this but i should be able to get back to it after the holidays
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BetrayedYetLoved
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| Posted: Tue Dec 22, 2009 11:23 pm Post subject: hey everyone. |
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| i have re edited everything hope its better.
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BetrayedYetLoved
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Joined: 04 Oct 2009
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| Posted: Mon Jan 25, 2010 4:59 pm Post subject: Chapter2: Abstinence from Feeding |
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“Will you be getting out your highness?” Asked James, as he tipped his hat.
I sit there and think about what I would be giving up if I just don’t go through with it to at least feed. But in all honesty the only one I want is Tala, so I look at my watch and say,
“Not her my dear James, please take Esmeralda back to her home.”
She looks at me with shock and disappointment.
“What, you are turning me away; I don’t understand, how can you do that to ME?”
Its actually quite amusing to me that apparently this one is not used to rejection. I wanted to have meaningless sex and feed but I only want to be with Tala. My thirst will have to wait, but not much longer because Thursday is rapidly approaching. I must feed before then; or I don’t want to imagine the consequences if I do not.
“Yes, I’m afraid so, you see, I need sex and blood but there is someone else I rather have it from. I’m tired of all the same rendezvous that I have. It’s always the same and I just don’t want to waste my time anymore.”
I step out of the carriage and walk up to my mansion. As I open the door she yells,
“You will regret this, how dare you refuse me. James, take me home.”
“As you request madam.” James looks amused and snaps the reins on the black beauties.
Oddly enough, I have the power to have her beheaded but it would just take up my time and I just want to reserve my energy. All of a sudden I’m feeling light-headed. I stumble around the entrance hall after opening the steel doors of my extravagant home. I try to grab onto something, anything to help me from falling. My vision gets blurry, and I crash onto the ground clenching my stomach and talking to myself. “Maybe you should have fed, you don’t have the strength, because you have missed three feedings in a row. My thirst is undeniably increasing and there is nothing I can do, because I can’t even get up out of the floor.
So hours pass, and James finally comes busting through the doors and finds me unconscious and in a cold sweat on the floor.
“Master, what on earth has happened to you? Have you not fed at all lately?”
He lifts me onto the black, leather sofa and runs to the bathroom to get a cold compress to lie on my head. As he comes back and lays the compress on my cold, bone-white face, I start to stir and open my golden eyes, while groaning in excruciating pain.
“I need to go back to the Shelves. I have to have nourishment, and it cannot wait any longer.”
James looks at me with shock and says; “You have just fainted, so you are not going anywhere tonight but to bed and I will go and get what you require and you may drink in the morning. Now, off to bed with you, your highness.”
As much as I try to be mad at James; I cannot for he has always been there to take care of me ever since I was a young child. So, since I do not have the strength to argue, let alone go myself, I nod my head in acknowledgement and ask for the remote to the flat screen television from America that I had installed last week.
“Very well my dear James; you may go and get it if you wish, because it seems that I am unable to argue, so there is no way I can move to go and get it myself. Do be careful, and take your key so you can lock the door on your way out… By the way James, I know I don’t say it enough but thank you very much, for everything you do.”
With a nod, James slips out through the steel entrance doors and I hear the sound of the key turning the locks on the doors and a few moments later, I hear gravel fly as the carriage leaves the driveway. I settle into the covers on my sofa and aim the remote at the television and hope to find something on television that can take the edge off of the day, or even something so boring that it puts me to sleep. Alas, I never seem to be able to relax, and now all I am able to think about is Tala. I flip channel to channel, through all the channels about twenty times and finally settle on a show on the history channel about ancient feuds through time. I decided that since there was nothing interesting on then maybe this would fit into the category of “complete boredom.”
I lay on my back with my head lying on my hands and stare at the ceiling fan. I often find myself looking at things trying to concentrate and find myself and trying to understand what exactly I am supposed to do in this life. I suddenly realize that I have to go to the restroom, so I swing myself off the sofa and head down the hall to one out of three bathrooms. As I walk down the hall I see the paintings and portraits of my parents and think about how much I miss them and what their advice to me would be. I know I am an adult but I still need the guidance of my parents, because I am so afraid of messing up and their sacrifices being in vain. I use the restroom and head back to the sofa to see what battles are happening and how much blood has been shed. A few moments after I am seated, in comes James with four pints of “Juice,” as it is jokingly called.
“Thank you my dear, I hope you did not have to go through too much trouble to acquire this. Was your little trip safe and sound?”
James smiles and says, “Yes it was alright, quite refreshing the night air is. It’s funny how clearly you are able to think by just looking at the stars in the sky.”
Dear James, always the Dreamer, and has always been so. That is part of what drew me to him and how I was able to trust and relate to him so much as a child. No matter what I did wrong he always covered it up as being curious.
“Curiosity kills the cat, James,” my father said to him on more than one occasion when James tried to defend me when I broke something or escaped my room to walk on the roof.
“Ah yes Cayden, curiosity does kill the cat but as far as I can tell, your Tristram is not an Animagus. But even so, he is extremely talented and mischievous just as you were and sometimes still are.”
It is so nice that sometimes I can still replay my father’s words and conversations; it’s almost like he is still here, and I wish my parents were.
As i snap out of my dream James asks, " Should i leave you alone or would you like to sit and reminiss about your parents and life's meaning?"
It was almost like he read my mind and as i sit and ponder i am amazed that he actually wants to talk about anything other than his duties. Do i dare go into the whole dramatic story of my life or just shrug it off and go to my chambers??
Last edited by BetrayedYetLoved on Tue Feb 02, 2010 10:47 am; edited 1 time in total
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BetrayedYetLoved
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| Posted: Tue Feb 02, 2010 10:48 am Post subject: There is now a dp in my latest chapter |
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i know that tends to be my biggest flaw but i have now added a dp sorry to everyone
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Chapter 2, Decisions Decisions
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Tue Feb 16, 2010 8:45 am Post subject: |
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Okay, I've had a chance to take a look at your chapter now, and its good to see that you've put in a DP. The obvious choice is to talk to the guy, if only to let us learn a little more about the main character's background.
Now I have taken a look, there are several weaknesses in this latest instalment, which are disappointing - because they are things that you did correctly in your earlier instalments. Here are just a few examples:
- Paragraph spacing. There should be a blank line between each line of dialogue and between each paragrah. There's a chunk of text that needs some serious formatting. Unless online text is well formatted, people are unlikely to read through it properly.
- Because of the bad formatting, I didn't have time to concentrate on the content this time around. However I did notice one slip up - where James is described rushing through the door and finding the narrator unconscious on the floor. This seems a little odd when described in first person present tense - i.e., it is happening to me, right at this very moment. How can an unconscious person describe what is happening around him at this very moment? Something you might want to revise.
- The DP has been added in a very rushed manner. It is obvious from the lack of capital letters (mistakes you don't normally make) that you didn't bother to re-read to make sure it was correct.
If you seriously want people to look at your story and interact with it, then make sure you put every effort into making it as correct as possible before posting it. That goes for spelling, grammar, punctuation, everything. If your text gives the impression that you haven't made that effort, people will be less inclined to bother to read it.
Your story comes in at least 5 instalments, but the topic title still tells us we're on Chapter 2. Is that still the case? If so, you need to clearly label the parts of your chapter in the main text itself. You use the subject field a lot, but it doesn't show up prominently on the forum, and most people don't notice or read it.
If we've gone beyond Chapter 2 now, then you need to sort out the thread title, (which you change by editing the very first post in this thread) and your signature link.
And to be frank, there is no point in putting a link to your storygame into your signature unless you actually participate in anybody else's storygame - because otherwise they're never going to see it.
Of all the advice given to you in your other thread last week, that was the one piece you ignored:
| Quote: | | While you're waiting for replies, take some time to play other people's storygames. As you probably know, it's a nice feeling to know that someone is reading and playing your story. If you play theirs, there'll be a greater chance they'll come and look at yours. |
After Thunderbird advised you to play some back in October, you made a couple of complementary remarks on three storygames - but you haven't actually played any storygames at all. By playing a storygame I mean reading a chapter, thinking it through, coming up with a suggestion for the DP, entering into a discussion about it with other players, and of course, voting in the poll.
If you want to improve your chances of being a successful storygame writer I would urge you to go and play some other storygames. If you want readers, then this is the best way to find them. There are plenty of storygames here that are still in their early stages and will not take up much of your time to get involved. At the very least it will help you learn the skills for authoring them. You say DPs are your biggest flaw - then go and learn how to create them by playing the other storygames. Ask anybody here - it's not as easy as it looks, and we all learned by reading and playing them first.
Good luck.
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Amichan
Treasurer
Joined: 06 Apr 2007
Posts: 480
Location: RL:Roseboro, NC./ IF: Retuning from a long journey in the land of OFF
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| Posted: Wed Feb 17, 2010 9:12 am Post subject: |
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Even though i haven't been on much recently i did read over the chapters and i have to agree with Crunchy completely. Even i have had to resort to looking at others works when it come to my writing or even when writing for the IFQ . I have had to look back over previous issues and see how have others written in order to improve mine. Writing is a challenging talent that is hard to master and it does take lot of time. So don't discouraged we are here to help you improve and be a better writer. Learning from others writing is a good way to help improve your own ( i have even found it very helpful )
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