 |
 |
 |
 |
|
| Author |
Message |
Smee
Revered IFian
Joined: 16 Oct 2004
Topics: 166
Posts: 5215
Location: UK
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
 Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 4:33 am Post subject: |
 |
|
Chapter 6 : Friction
Several thoughts were strong in Sej's mind, swirling around in a confused jumble.
The first was an inexplicable joy at meeting this stranger. His heart felt lighter, and he felt an urge to simply let go and enjoy it.
The second was a concern for Morhem. The last thing he wanted to do was appear to shun his friend's feelings. Clearly there was some reason for the fear. The little Katoraz had already shown how fearless he was, facing the beast in the tunnel. He wouldn't have wanted to run for anything short of an immediate threat.
A third thought was a confusing one. An unconscious part of his mind was constantly working to understand what had happened to bring him to this world. The appearance of Katoraz, a fictional race from books he'd read as a child made it seem dreamlike. Perhaps he was simply unconscious somewhere, trapped in this dream? Dreams can seem very real at the time. Yet this was too real. The pain in his feet, the fear in the tunnel. And now this stranger. A Warlohm. No childhood book spoke of any such creatures. He'd never heard of anything like them.
Sej eyed Tericun. "If you could give me a few moments alone with my friend, I would like to discuss with him."
Tericun glanced at Morhem, and then back to Sej. Did his eyes linger for a second on the quill around his neck, Sej wondered?
"Certainly, ... Sej. I left my horse and belongings a way back in the woods anyway. I'll go fetch him, whilst you decide."
Once the stranger had disappeared in the trees, Sej hurried closer to the fire and sat down. Morhem followed.
"And just what was all that about?"
Sej could tell the hardness in Morhem's voice belied his fear.
"I wish I could tell you." Sej sighed. "I understood him as easily as I do you. Yet he had no idea what you said either."
"Few do," Morhem muttered, looking knowingly at Sej.
"What do you mean?"
"Nevermind. I'll tell you later. Has he gone? How did you get him to go?"
"He's not gone. He's coming back in a few minutes. He wants to spend the night here."
Morhem suddenly gripped Sej's arm.
"No, no he can't. You don't understand. He's Warlohm!"
"What does that mean?" Sej exclaimed. "I've never heard of them and he's said nothing that makes me think he means any harm."
"It's too late! He's charmed you!" Morhem suddenly declared, backing up and looking at Sej critically.
"He has not." Sej countered.
"They're casters. Powerful mages. You don't have any idea of the powers they have. They kill without mercy. Hundreds of Katoraz have been murdered by them."
"But why bother 'charming' me? Why bother trying to talk to us? If he's so powerful why not just kill us both and take what he wants?"
"I.. I don't know. It's obviously some Warlohm trick. Can't you see? We have to get away from here." Morhem started dragging at Sej's arm.
"Wait, no wait! You told me Katoraz rarely leave their caves in the Longblack. You said yourself, you've never ventured more than a day from your cave. How could Warlohm have killed so many of you? What would it gain them?"
Morhem stopped and stared at Sej.
"You wouldn't understand."
"Not unless you tell me, no I wouldn't."
Morhem's eyes suddenly became hard and flat. "Forget it. I said I would be your guide, and your guide is telling you to get away from him. Whether you listen to me or not is down to you. But get us killed, and you only have yourself to blame."
With that he turned his back on Sej, crossed over to his bedroll and lay down.
"That seemed to get quite heated. I hope I haven't caused you more problems?"
Sej turned in surprise to see Tericun a few paces away with a large black horse in tow.
"He doesn't have a very high opinion of your species, and thinks you've charmed me with your magic."
"He's right, I have." Tericun replied with a smile.
The matter of fact way he said it shook Sej, and it took a few seconds to sink in.
"What! What have you done to me?"
Tericun held up his hands to hold off further protest. "Nothing intentional, I assure you. It's simply a part of our nature, our magic. We can't help but try to put people at their ease around us. It's as unconscious and natural to us as breathing."
Sej remembered the feeling he had of joy meeting this stranger. It wasn't there any more.
"Why isn't it working now?"
"It is, but it would seem your suspicions are over powering it now. It's not a great force. It only works on those atleast a little open to being persuaded."
Sej noted this would explain why it hadn't affected someone as predisposed against him as Morhem.
"Care to put your side across as to why my friend would think Warlohm bring only death to Katoraz?"
"Could I perhaps sit down first? It has been a long day and I could do with some food before starting any long stories."
Sej nodded and watched as Tericun fetched a heavy pack from his horse, came over to the fire and sat down with a weary sigh. The stranger pulled out various food stuffs from his pack until there was a veritable feast laid out by the fire.
"Please," he said with a gesture as he started taking handfuls of various things. "Help yourself."
Sej hesitated a second, staring at the back of Morhem across the fire, and then took a piece of the nearest food. It was spicy, but delicious. Sej tried other dishes and was soon eating with abandon, thoughts of his earlier question forgotten.
"Mmmmm, what's this?"
"That... it's a cheese made from deermilk. Called Chowunde. Very subtle flavour and quite the delicacy where I'm from."
"And this?"
"Aah, that is roast meat from a wild grutchik." Tericun stopped eating and stared at his host. "You're not from round here are you?"
Sej swallowed, and shook his head. "No, I'm not. I don't even think I'm from this world."
Tericun looked shocked for a second but continued eating. A few minutes passed in silence, the comforting crackle from the fire the only sound.
"Do they not wear shoes on your world?"
Sej looked up, and then noticed a small grin on Tericun's face as he stared at Sej's injured feet. "I lost my shoes in a swamp a few days ago."
"Here, let me look." Tericun gestured for Sej to lift his feet closer. Again he hesitated, still aware of the silent judgement from Morhem's back, but he slowly raised his foot. Tericun shuffled forwards on his knees, took hold of the foot and looked at it critically for a few seconds. With a quiet 'aha' he released it and started digging through his pack.
"I don't carry spare boots with me. But I do believe we could improvise with some cloth," he pulled a bulk of dark green cloth out of the pack. "..and rope." He pulled a length of narrow rope out too. "But first we need to sort out the current injuries or you'll still be hobbling like an old mule."
Throwing the pack aside, Tericun shuffled forward again, and took a hold of the foot once more. "Hmmm, aha, yes, hmmm."
"What are you going to do?" Sej said, nervously.
"What I can, " he said mysteriously. Holding Sej's foot in one hand, he held the other hand out. Suddenly it burst forth with a blue flame and Sej screamed without thought, yanking his foot back and scurrying backwards a few paces. The flame winked out and in the same second Morhem appeared from no where, clutching Tericun tightly whilst one paw held a lethal looking spine directly to the stranger's neck.
"One prick, and you will know pain like you couldn't imagine." The Katoraz hissed menacingly.
"Sej... Sej, please stop him. I wasn't about to hurt you!"
Sej, still in shock, stared numbly at the unfolding scene.
"Sush with your filthy mutterings. No spell can save you now."
Tericun closed his eyes, face screwed up awaiting the inevitable. With a sharp shake of his head, Sej cleared his thoughts.
"Morhem, no! Wait!"
"What more proof do you want! I heard you scream! He intends to use us for some evil experiment."
"My foot, Morhem. He's helped it." Sej moved closer to the fire and held it close to catch the light.
"Still looks as bad to me." Morhem grunted.
"It's better, I promise you. The pain is much less. I was only shocked by what happened with his hand, I wasn't expecting it. He didn't do anything to me."
Morhem stood still, paw still poised to fill Tericun's veins with poison.
"Please, Morhem. Let him go. He's done nothing wrong. You're better than this, this isn't like you."
Slowly the spine edged away from the neck, until with a shove Morhem pushed Tericun away from him, and threw the spine onto the fire. It fizzled and popped in the heat and for a brief second the flames were tinged with green.
With a grunt, Tericun sat back up, looking at Sej.
"I don't know what you said, but thanks. You saved my life."
"What's it saying," Morhem hissed.
Sej ignored him and spoke to Tericun. "It's not me you need to thank. It's Morhem who saved your life."
Tericun looked confused, but slowly turned to face Morhem. "My thanks, small one. For not taking my life this night." The Katoraz scowled.
"He's just thanking you for saving his life." Sej translated.
"I don't want his thanks," he replied. Standing up he walked off alone into the trees, muttering under his breath.
Sej sighed and looked back at Tericun to once again find him staring at his chest.
"That feather you wear around your neck. Where did you get it?"
Sej looked down, bewildered at the sudden change in conversation, and lifted the quill that had been there since he'd first woken in the Dark.
"I've had it ever since I appeared in this world."
For the first time, Sej noticed the soft glow from the metalic nib. Despite all he'd been through it was still flawlessly clean.
"Could I have a closer look?" Tericun asked gently.
A strange reluctance surged through Sej, and before he'd really thought about it he found himself reply. "No." Tericun blinked in surprise at the firm tone, and Sej softened it. "I mean, I'm rather tired after all that's happened tonight. I'd prefer to just get some sleep. Hopefully Morhem will have returned by morning. Perhaps another time."
"I understand. Sleep well."
Sej lay down slowly, even more thoughts swirling in his head than before. One mystery after another. How was he to make heads or tails of where he was or what he was supposed to do with ever more comfusing and complicated events unfolding. Would Morhem come back? Would he still be willing to guide him to the Watcher? What was he to do about Tericun?
With that thought, Sej sat up again. "Tericun. You never told me why Morhem would hate your species so much."
Tericun lifted his head from where he lay. "I think that's a story you need to get from your friend before you'd believe anything I told you." Without waiting for any further comment, his head went down again.
"Great," Sej thought. "Another mysterious comment." He'd tried to get the story from Morhem, but he'd been strangely reluctant. There was a key there somewhere, but what was he expecting? To discover some great truth so suddenly the two of them would be best friends?
It all suddenly made Sej very tired and without another thought he drifted off into sleep.
A bit of a longer chapter than I imagined, and I still haven't got very far. But I do think there's some important information here, worthy enough for a decision point.
Get your thinking hats on folks. It's going to be a rather wooley poll for this chapter, that'll focus on one main goal, but any good thoughts and comments could well be incorporated into the next chapter as well.
Happy Storygaming 
_________________
The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
Last edited by Smee on Thu May 01, 2008 9:35 am; edited 1 time in total
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Guest
Items
|
| Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 8:10 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Keep the quill away from anyone. Maybe you could try and write with it, who knows, maybe you'll find yourself back where you belong.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
DeadManWalking
Duke of the Mostly Dead
Joined: 24 May 2006
Topics: 30
Posts: 1005
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 9:18 pm Post subject: |
|
|
OMG
MAGIC NIB!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't trust the Warlohm.
He could be lying about his magic for charming people; Sej could be charmed into believing he wasn't charmed, and believing that the magic is smaller than it is.
I believe the Warlohm just wants to get the nib.
Morhem has proved himself a friend, defending him against the worm.
I would trust the Morhem.
(Although, how could you really get the Warlohm to get out if he's as powerful as they say?)
_________________
When the dead walk, the living run.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Chinaren
Hallowed IFian
Joined: 05 Sep 2005
Topics: 340
Posts: 8879
Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 9:57 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Good chapter Smee, long is fine if it's good, and that was.
Mmm. Wooly eh? Well, I say they continue their journey, with warblob along if he wishes. Over time he can try and extract more information from him, whilst being wary and keeping his magic pen to himself.
If Warry wants to go another way though, I think they should part with no hesitation.
_________________
Neil Hartley Books.
My Amazon page.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Traveller
Citizen
Joined: 02 Apr 2008
Topics: 4
Posts: 148
Location: Whitby, Ontario
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 11:04 am Post subject: |
|
|
Great read Smee...Loving it...Just got caught up and now I am antici....pating the next chapter. As for the Dp...I would like to see an uneasy alliance between the three of them...not sure I trust ol' whasisname but for now I don't see any danger in trusting him...I think there is a big misunderstanding between the 2 races that maybe Saj will rectify.
Maybe set some sort of "Trick" up to have them air their grievences to each other...sorta like setting up two arguing friends at a dinner to force them to talk...if you know what I'm saying.
But I'm all for an uneasy alliance as I like all the charcters and don't want to see them go away...but then lets keep heading to the Watcher
I just had the image of the Watcher as a "pay-no-attention-to-the-man-behind-the-curtain" sort of guy...just a thought
-T.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Smee
Revered IFian
Joined: 16 Oct 2004
Topics: 166
Posts: 5215
Location: UK
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 11:26 am Post subject: |
|
|
Nice comments guys. And welcome to Deady and Trav, lovely to have new readers.
*spies a lurking Kitty* And hopefully another one soon too. 
Do we have any thoughts as to how Sej might try to establish a truce stable enough to allow the journey to the Watcher to continue?
Assuming Morhem is just sulking in the forest rather than actually gone, that is.
Also bearing in mind that Tericun, as of yet, has no idea of our mission, or our destination.
As for the quill. Anything in particular you want to try to do with it, save for keeping it out of Tericun's possession?
Happy Storygaming
_________________
The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
D-Lotus
Venerable IFian
Joined: 21 Oct 2004
Topics: 103
Posts: 4123
Location: Hollywood, USA
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 12:37 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Nice chapter, though I felt there was something lacking in character depth. I'm sure everyone will disagree with me, but the characters weren't completely real for me. Morhem is the best character so far, but Tericun isn't believable. He was ready to accept his death at Morhem's hands, and then he was willing to thank both Sej and Morhem for 'saving his life'; but why is he such a great guy? And why is he traveling around, sneaking up on people? Also, his charming attitude contrasts with hissharp observation and his sudden interest in Sej's plume. I expected to see more about Tericun in this chapter, but it all ended in a exasperating with-holding of information.
As for what to do- most immediately, somebody should stand watch. And don't trust Tericun. See if he knows a short cut through the forest, but ditch him as soon as you can.
_________________
 Chapter 5: The Rendezvous 
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Smee
Revered IFian
Joined: 16 Oct 2004
Topics: 166
Posts: 5215
Location: UK
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 1:50 pm Post subject: |
|
|
As always Dani, you give me something to think about. I wouldn't say he was about to accept his death at Morhem's hands though. Some one holds a 'knife' to your throat, it's not so much accepting as unable to deny impending death.
But's he's a new character. Give him chance to reveal some of his secrets and perhaps you'll think he's less like a paddling pool.
| Quote: | | I expected to see more about Tericun in this chapter, but it all ended in a exasperating with-holding of information. |
Aye - I started the chapter expecting to have it end quite a bit further on, and to have given more information along the lines you expected. But I thought it was getting lengthy, and with so much dialogue it could get to the point where it's hard to see the wood for the trees with regards to the pertinent details.
Ironically, it was lengthier than expected because I was aiming for extra depth and believability rather than skimming through this tense first conversation period. I'm on the case
_________________
The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Chinaren
Hallowed IFian
Joined: 05 Sep 2005
Topics: 340
Posts: 8879
Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
D-Lotus
Venerable IFian
Joined: 21 Oct 2004
Topics: 103
Posts: 4123
Location: Hollywood, USA
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 10:19 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I would expect any less from you, Cren. We have a long history of disagreements, and whenever I write criticism, I am comforted by the fact that you will be there to express your malcontent. You are like a father to me- a dark, sinister, Darth Vader who always challenges me and beckons me to the dark side. Thank-you, Cren, you always push me to the limit. 
_________________
Chapter 5: The Rendezvous
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Guest
Items
|
| Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 11:47 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Try writing with the quill, if it is magic, why not write down on a paper or tree, "Take us to the watcher!" Wait maybe the new recrute is evil and wants to take away the thing sej was walking with for a longtime. Or he could know what the quill does, unless it is a normal quill.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Chinaren
Hallowed IFian
Joined: 05 Sep 2005
Topics: 340
Posts: 8879
Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 1:57 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Quote: | | sinister, Darth Vader |
The force is strong in this one.
Sorry Smee,  ~Slaps self on the wrist~
_________________
Neil Hartley Books.
My Amazon page.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
scissorkitty
Respected Citizen
Joined: 04 Mar 2008
Topics: 59
Posts: 789
Location: Escaping the Hair Lair
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 7:54 am Post subject: |
|
|
That's it. i LOVE Morhem!
I don't trust the newcomer either. He just seems to have too many little suave moves, and too many quick answers and solutions. And he was really eyeing the Nib.
What IS the deal with the Quill???
He should pretend to sleep, then find Morhem and get the whole story. Perhaps the Katoraz has a quill that could protect agaist the charming spell?
Or is the charming effect caused by a hormone that the newcomer subconsiously releases? interesting!
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Smee
Revered IFian
Joined: 16 Oct 2004
Topics: 166
Posts: 5215
Location: UK
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 5:50 am Post subject: |
|
|
Chapter 7 : Tensions rising.
A hand held over Sej's mouth silenced him as he was roughly shaken awake. Sleep filled eyes struggled to wake and focus on the primal face holding him bodily in the air. Before he could even think about reacting he was cocooned tightly in thick bindings, gagged, and strung face down from a pole. A series of low grunts seemed to come from several sources all at once, but Sej couldn't even make out how many there were, let alone consider any meaning. All of a sudden, they were moving. A swift, bouncing run that jostled Sej side to side.
Adrenaline finally kicked in, and shattered any remnant of sleep. With renewed awareness Sej struggled futilely against his restraints. He twisted and thrashed his body, to no effect. He couldn't even catch sight of his captors, save for a pair of bare feet in front.
On they ran.
~
"Aaaargh! Where is he?! What have you done with him?" Morhem's voice pierced the stillness of the night, his high-pitched yell filled with frustration. Tericun woke with a jolt from an uneasy sleep.
"What? What? Oh it's you, you're back then. What are you squealing about now?" Blue eyes blinked away sleep and tried to look around in the faint light from stars overhead. Almost immediately Tericun realised he didn't feel the aura any more, and strained to see the slumbering form of the strange man across from the smoldering fire. It wasn't there.
"Where is he? Where's he gone?"
"Quit your mutterings, warlohm. You'd be dead already if I didn't need you to tell me what you've done with him."
Tericun, obviously not understanding the threats was still looking around in the dark. Casting about with other senses too, equally fruitless in their findings. "This is no good," he muttered. "I need some light." He glanced at Morhem. The katoraz was half crouched, watching him with green eyes, luminous in the dark.
With a frown of concentration, Tericun stood up and pointed at the fire. "I need light to see. I'm going to get the fire going again." He accompanied the speech with various actions, trying to mime what he intended.
~
Morhem tensed as the mage stood up. His speech was as unintelligible as ever, but the mime suddenly clicked together and he understood. "Yes, yes, go ahead if you must." He waved a hand in a dismissive gesture, hoping to give the meaning that he didn't care.
The warlohm took it as such and bent down to lay new logs and tinder over the few still burning coals and then his hand lit up with a blue flame and a small orb detached and flew into the fire pit, instantly igniting the fresh fuel.
Morhem had a spine to hand the very instant the flame had appeared, and had almost thrown it, but held back.
If he was to find Sej, he had to know what this thing knew. Inwardly he cursed himself for leaving earlier. If he'd controlled his temper, he'd have been here, stood on watch and seen for himself. Were there more of them out there? Why would they hide, when they could easily take by force. What was the point of such subterfuge?
But such questions didn't give him much pause. A lifetime of stories, generations of history told him no warlohm was to be trusted. That lies and deceit came second nature to them.
What did they want with Sej? A harder question, and one not easily shaken off. It had been remarkable, discovering he could understand Katoraz. It had be astonishing that he could speak with the warlohm too. Who was he?
"Oi, ...Mour-heem! Can you hear me or what? Get over here."
Morhem looked up at the familiar, albeit mangled, sound of his own name. During his thoughts the mage had shifted from the fire to the edge of the camp. Curiosity won over and he edged toward him, looking toward the ground where Tericun pointed. Immediately he saw what interested the warlohm so. Footprints, deep and clear in the damp loam, huge and lots of them. They were made by something at least half again as big as the warlohm, if not bigger.
But he wasn't to be fooled so easily. Eyeing Tericun suspiciously, he pointed at the tracks and then mimed the fire igniting on his hand.
"You could have made these tracks with your fancy magic."
The mage made an exasperated sigh. "I suppose you're accusing me of making these tracks!"
"I wasn't just a cub yesterday!"
"I don't understand you... these are tracks from Forgora, forest giants." He tried to mime a giant, rising up tall and making exaggerated footsteps and then pointed into the trees. "Ah forget it, this is pointless. I don't know why I bothered with the pair of you in the first place."
Morhem watched the pantomime, still suspicious, but trying hard to follow. Just as the mage turned away, the katoraz picked up on one word.
"Forgorra?"
Tericun froze and turned back.
"Forgora, yes. Giants!" He raised his hands tall again and this time Morhem understood. He only remembered the barest of rumours of them, little more than stories from his isolated life in the caves. If they had hold of Sej, he had to get moving fast. There was no telling what they'd do with him.
"I'm sorry about your friend, Sej. They'll kill him no doubt."
Morhem looked up again at a familiar sound.
"Sej, yes, yes! We have to go after them! Free him!" He'd almost blurted it out before he realised he was about to say it. He was going to have to ask for help from this warlohm.
~
Sej woke up in dingy gloom. As his eyes adjusted he realised it was a huge cage woven somehow from live trees. Vivid green leaves grew in profusion, clearly undeterred by their strange formation. They filled in gaps between the branches that formed the cage frame and blocked out most of the light.
Standing carefully, Sej found himself to be unharmed. The floor seemed to be a soft mixture of leaves and oddly, sand. It was refreshingly cool, and gentle on his injured feet. The one foot Tericun had partially healed barely hurt at all, and the other wasn't as bad either. With careful steps, he shuffled over to the nearest bars of his prison, reached out and pulled back a large leaf. Sunlight flooded in. With a violent pull, Sej snapped off the leaf and stood back to survey his surroundings in the better light.
He was instantly surprised to find his clothes, still tattered, none worse the wear from his kidnapping. Increasingly unsurprisingly, he found the quill to still be around his neck, and as pristine as ever. He lifted it carefully, looking it over again. There was something nagging him at the back of his mind, but it wouldn't come clear.
"BWOOOROGOHOOOOOOO"
A deafening sound, like some giant foghorn, boomed out. Sej jumped back to the gap in the leaves and peered out.
Several feet away was a strange bowl-like structure, covered in leaves too. He could see nothing else. After a few seconds Sej realised it was simply another cage like his own. Shuffling along the bars, he moved into a new position and pulled back another leaf and was rewarded with a much better view.
A dazzling blue was the first thing to catch his eye. A few hundred meters away, a huge body of water stretched out, glinting in the sun. On the shoreline, Sej noted the explanation for the sand that made up his floor. Was it an ocean? Morhem hadn't made mention of any sea being so close.
People were everywhere. From the distance it was impossible to get any detail, especially with the sun making silhouettes of them. Looking closer to him, Sej realised he was on the edge of a crude village. Except, everything was huge! In the centre, a vast fire pit, easily big enough to comfortably roast his entire study from back home. Single story huts, little more than mud and simple thatching, were dotted around everywhere. At the end of a long row of gradually more impressive huts was clearly some kind of palace or temple building. It dwarfed the huts, and some effort had gone into decorating it. Two giant trees formed two side walls, and then their canopy was woven over to make the roof.
Sej suddenly felt very uneasy. Piles of bones stood either side of a large altar or throne. More decorated the walls, studded grotesquely into the wood and mud walls. With a cry of shock he stepped back into the gloom of his cage. How had he come here? Where was Morhem, and the man, Tericun?
He looked around frantically for any sign of a door. There didn't appear to be one. A glance upwards though showed a circle in the roof, over ten feet above. It seemed to be a hole in the structure, covered over by a simple mat of leaves. A few feeble jumps towards it, and it quickly seemed there was no way he could reach it.
How could he escape?
~
Woah... well this didn't turn out how I expected. But here we are now. Watcha gonna do?
Taking ideas for a few days before the poll.
If you're enjoying this Storygame, please use the link on the right at the top of the page to mark it as a favourite.
Happy Storygaming
_________________
The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
Last edited by Smee on Thu May 15, 2008 5:22 am; edited 1 time in total
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Traveller
Citizen
Joined: 02 Apr 2008
Topics: 4
Posts: 148
Location: Whitby, Ontario
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 7:18 am Post subject: |
|
|
Smee, my lad, you've done it again. I am truly loving this story. My only frustration is having to wait to find out how Sej is going to escape. If only there was a way for me to give my suggestions on how he could do this...oh wait...nevernmind.
I really like how Tericun and Morhem are finding a way to work together. You have found an interesting way to tell their story, using their language barrier to your advantage...Kudos!
Giants now? Cool...it keps getting better! So Sej is a captive now and probably to become snack time.
Perhaps for the DP, on how he will escape, the giants bring him forward to the fire as if they are going to eat him...then they see the quill and they all drop to their knees in reverence to it allowing him the power to escape.
Either that or he uses the quill to write on the leaf he ripped off writing something like "I wish I could escape" or something to that effect. Perhaps then the quill will grant his wish...but not in the way he expected...
Loving this story...my life shall be empty until you post the next one!!!...T.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Chinaren
Hallowed IFian
Joined: 05 Sep 2005
Topics: 340
Posts: 8879
Location: https://www.NeilHartleyBooks.com
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 5:10 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Nice chapter Smur, I mean Smee. First tho...
you're
After this point...
| Quote: | | But he wasn't to be fooled so easily. Eyeing Tericun suspiciously, he pointed at the tracks and then mimed the fire igniting on his hand. |
...you suddenly have both sides speech intelligible, yet you're only doing it from spiky's POV. Might want to think about that, he wouldn't be able to understand the mage after all. After that you switch to the mage again and back. It's a bit double edged, if you see what I mean.
Now DP. Well, first check around for weak spots in the wall. These giants don't seem like the type to be civil engineers. If that doesn't help, let's take a closer look at this pen. Perhaps try writing something with it? "I wish the wall were weak?" or something?
_________________
Neil Hartley Books.
My Amazon page.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
DeadManWalking
Duke of the Mostly Dead
Joined: 24 May 2006
Topics: 30
Posts: 1005
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 5:54 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Still awesome.
I have a suggestion that probably won't work but would be awesome.
If you have ever read the Oddyessey by homer, you know what I mean.
Actually, I really don't want to write it all down.
But for those of you who have read it, I'm thinking of something like what Oddysseus did to the Kyklop (Cyclop in many translations) Polyphemus.
Although since they have two eyes it might be somewhat harder.
And he doesn't have wine.
And they probably don't cultivate sheep.
Hmmmmm...
_________________
When the dead walk, the living run.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Mother Goose
Respected Citizen
Joined: 09 May 2004
Topics: 2
Posts: 511
Location: Connecticut
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 6:05 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Great story, keeps me coming back hoping for a new chapter. Just a few typos:
| Smee wrote: |
Were they more of them
With ginger steps,
a large alter or throne.
|
Were there more
gingerly
altar
__
Who is in the next cage? Maybe he/she/it knows something useful, and since Sej seems able to talk to all kinds of beings, they could work out some kind of cooperative plan.
Or maybe the quill enables levitation and he can use it to fly out the hole at the top.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
D-Lotus
Venerable IFian
Joined: 21 Oct 2004
Topics: 103
Posts: 4123
Location: Hollywood, USA
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 6:24 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I agree with Traveller; I enjoyed reading about Morhem and Tericun. It was sufficiently believable. However, the village of the giants was not- it lacked description. I know you tried, but it's still not there. The visualization failed to appear in my mind (though you could blame my poor imagination).
| Quote: | | Piles of bones stood either side of a large alter or throne. |
Sloppy sentence, though I can never be sure with you brits. What seems like a typo or a mispelled word sometimes isn't.
As for the DP- Attempt to talk to the giants- Sej's power resides in his understanding of all languages (seemingly) - so reason with them.[/quote]
_________________
Chapter 5: The Rendezvous
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Smee
Revered IFian
Joined: 16 Oct 2004
Topics: 166
Posts: 5215
Location: UK
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 5:14 am Post subject: |
|
|
Thanks for the comments folks...
I'm glad the situation with Morhem and Tericun, in general, passed muster. It was a tricky one.
- Chinaren, you were the only one to make comment about the points of view. Although I'm not following what you mean.
The tilda ( ~ ) divides should seperate a POV swap. So there's one Tericun section and one, larger Morhem section.
In both sections, the reader can see legible speech from both parties. The idea being that we understand, but the two of them don't. The difference being, you don't get internal head thinkings from the opposite character.
I'd hoped it had worked, but perhaps not... can you dig a little deeper on that one?
- Deady... wha...wha...what?
- MG, great to have you around. Glad you're enjoying. Thanks for the errors, I'll get those sorted in just a mo.
- Dani, woo, glad the first part passed the litmu..erm I mean the Lotus test. 
I'm going to look at the camp description again now, and see what I can improve. But I don't hold hopes of reaching a D-Level of description
~
Some good ideas folks, keep em coming.
Happy Storygaming
_________________
The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
DeadManWalking
Duke of the Mostly Dead
Joined: 24 May 2006
Topics: 30
Posts: 1005
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 3:53 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Smee wrote: |
- Deady... wha...wha...what?
|
I'm guessing you haven't read the Odyssey.
Although it is not entirely applicable, something could be worked out.
Here's what happens. Polyphemus, the giant one-eyed man-eating ogre has Odysseus and his men trapped in the cave by a boulder only he can more. Each day, he eats two of the men (i don't remember how many he eats in all). Odysseus manages to trick him by getting him drunk, then stabbing him in the eye with a sharp stick. Then, they escape by disguising themselves as ordinary sheep's bellies. Polyphemus pushes aside the boulder to let his sheep leave, but he feels each individual before they leave. Normally, if they are not sheep, he doesn't let them out. However, with Odysseus's clever planning, they manage to fool him and escape.
_________________
When the dead walk, the living run.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Lilith
Honored Citizen
Joined: 10 Feb 2007
Topics: 82
Posts: 1597
Location: Happily curled up in a Daemon's lap
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 4:37 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Perhaps he has a the gift of universal communication with that quill 'round his neck and can talk his way smoothly out of the cage?
Finally caught up! Woot me!
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
D-Lotus
Venerable IFian
Joined: 21 Oct 2004
Topics: 103
Posts: 4123
Location: Hollywood, USA
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 4:50 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Quote: | | A deafening sound, like some giant foghorn, boomed out |
I like the foghorn imagery, or rather, soundagery. Anyway, your re-do was a lot better.
| Quote: | | People were everywhere. From the distance it was impossible to get any detail, especially with the sun making silhouettes of them. Looking closer to him, Sej realised he was on the edge of a crude village. Except, everything was huge! In the centre, a vast fire pit, easily big enough to comfortably roast his entire study from back home. Single story huts, little more than mud and simple thatching, were dotted around everywhere. At the end of a long row of gradually more impressive huts was clearly some kind of palace or temple building. It dwarfed the huts, and some effort had gone into decorating it. Two giant trees formed two side walls, and then their canopy was woven over to make the roof |
What I highlighted in bold was what seemed to me like the main impression of this paragraph. But it's a little weak; it doesn't hook me, doesn't draw my attention. It's a boring paragraph when in reality it's supposed to be exciting. I would suggest scrapping the whole thing and starting the paragraph over again.
As the main impression, I would write something of this nature:
Sej gazed out into the valley and was struck by the gargantuan dimensions of all of its components. The houses rose like giant temples in the sky, speckling the entire valley as if large antholes; indeed, most of them were constructed out of little more than earth, grass and leaves. These enormous huts all surrounded deferentially an even larger, more impressive building whose faces were all roughly and unevenly decorated, as if an awkward child had carved them.
Anyway, that's just an example of what I would do. I started out with a somewhat shocking impression to grasp the reader's attention, especially the word gargantuan. Then I used simile to convey my vision as a writer. Finally, I added a description that reveals something about the nature of whoever made these houses (awkward child). I didn't go into the giants themselves, but I hope this helps. But feel free to ignore it if it's not your style.
_________________
Chapter 5: The Rendezvous
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Smee
Revered IFian
Joined: 16 Oct 2004
Topics: 166
Posts: 5215
Location: UK
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 2:09 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Quote: | | Anyway, your re-do was a lot better. |
Lol - wha..? I haven't done it yet. But thanks  .
More seriously, your delving into the specifics was appreciated, as was your example.
Happy Storygaming
_________________
The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
hopesfallyn
Visitor
Joined: 20 Apr 2008
Topics: 0
Posts: 4
Location: Cranbrook, BC
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 6:31 pm Post subject: |
|
|
i really like the story so far, smee, very interesting imagery, and i like the unknown factor of the quill. i feel like it hasnt been given due attention in the story thus far, sej hasn't really thought much about it or its uses. I agree with those above in that sej should try to write on a leaf, discover the quill's uses for himself.
either that, or as the structure doesnt seem to be very sound, (what with the leaf-snapping off going on) try to get out and check out the other prison cell.
_________________
"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't."
-Douglas Adams
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Smee
Revered IFian
Joined: 16 Oct 2004
Topics: 166
Posts: 5215
Location: UK
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 11:08 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Welcome to the Story, Hopesfallyn.
Thanks for your comment, and great to have you on board.
~
Ok folks, poll will be going up tomorrow. Lets get any last minute thoughts and ideas in.
It seems I've - unconsciously - fall onto a 2 week time-table for chapters. So we'll have the poll for 5 days.
_________________
The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
scissorkitty
Respected Citizen
Joined: 04 Mar 2008
Topics: 59
Posts: 789
Location: Escaping the Hair Lair
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Tue May 20, 2008 6:44 am Post subject: |
|
|
| I love a good poll, Smee! :) chapter is looking great!
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Smee
Revered IFian
Joined: 16 Oct 2004
Topics: 166
Posts: 5215
Location: UK
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 8:32 am Post subject: |
|
|
Poll is up Here!
Looking forward to the decision here
_________________
The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
