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sheik
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Joined: 25 Dec 2008
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Location: On the Fence
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 Posted: Mon Apr 06, 2009 4:52 pm Post subject: HOMUNCULUS |
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HOMUNCULUS
Written by Sheik7574
1423/03/20
What is a Homunculus?
1. An artificially made dwarf, supposedly produced in a flask by an alchemist.
2. A person who is very small but who is not otherwise deformed or abnormal.
3. A miniature adult that in the theory of preformation was held to inhabit the germ cell and to produce a mature individual merely by an increase in size .
4. An abnormally small person, often having limbs and features atypically proportioned or formed .
5. A small misshapen ugly man with magical powers ranging from mediocre to extraordinary.
6. Me.
What am I?
A monster. A misshapen freak made in the image of a human yet somehow missing the most important features.
A tiny creature, locked inside of a glass jar. Imprisoned by a cork, I stare out at the world with large eyes. Frustrated, I chew on my own tail as I wait, hope for the day my Master shall release me from the confines. Years pass, so long I have waited my body has begun to take on the shape of the glass. I'm not mad, I just think its fucked up when people don't keep promises. If you were just gonna leave me here, you should've just said so instead of letting me get my hopes up. Now I hate you even worse, every day rage consumes my thoughts. Just you wait, one day you will slip up. The second you open this jar I will rise and attack with all my might. No longer shall I stay locked inside this prison and you will rue the day you ever mistreated me. Nobody deserves this dammit! What the hell did I ever do to you?
“Sit in your little jar and be silent! Can't you see I'm working?”
“Can't you see I'm dying? I'm drowning in a sea of regret, fear, and its all your fault! How can you expect me to lie here and accept it?”
“Silence! You will do as you are told, end of discussion! If I have you sit there for a thousand years it will be no matter. So sit and enjoy what little time you have on this Earth.”
“I hate you.”
“What did you just say?” He rises and approaches the glass so I can behold him in all his righteous fury. I am taken aback by his power and am filled with fear. Like a coward I hang my head in shame, gone are my accusations and arguments.
“That's what I thought.”
“You have to speak up, otherwise he won't hear you. Scream it at the top of your lungs, make your voice heard!”
“...I HATE YOU!”
The glass around me shatters, he stares in disbelief. This is it, this is the moment I've been waiting for. Freedom, free will, family, friends, its all within reach now! Lunging forward I fall upon the face of my former Master my limbs charged with supernatural power, there is no stopping me now. My revenge was swift, painful, and terrible. A pity that I could not take my time. However, I'm sure he learned his lesson. Yes, he has his own bottle made for him, four sizes too small. Not to worry, he'll grow into it!
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I most definitely had fun with this one. As always let me know what you think.
_________________
"Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever."
-Napoleon Bonaparte
"Faster than those who are better than me and better than those who are faster than me."
"You've got a wishbone where your backbone should've grown..."
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Chinaren
Hallowed IFian
Joined: 05 Sep 2005
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DeadManWalking
Duke of the Mostly Dead
Joined: 24 May 2006
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| Posted: Mon Apr 06, 2009 5:31 pm Post subject: |
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Very nice. A stupendously ironic short story. I like the touch at the beginning.
I think you need more bulid up though.
Perhaps how the speaker came to be, the torments he suffered, this Master of his.
I'm not saying that you need more background, i personally enjoy writing in media res while doing shorts; however the way you start this story seems to have an introductory air, like the homunculus is about to tell about himself. Yet instead you simply bring in his emotions.
I think we may need to learn more about this homunculus before we truly feel happy for his breakout.
But still, a very good start. I enjoyed it immensely.
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When the dead walk, the living run.
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