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LolaTally
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 Posted: Sun Aug 23, 2009 1:41 am Post subject: Falls Apart Part 2 |
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Warning : this Sg will contain adult themes, languages and content. Be aware of this before beginning and structure help/comments with it in mind. Yes, there wil be blood. 
The rain turned the city grey. Apart from that, the day was calm and mild. There was peace. The people ran around like ants, productive and perfect. In a well-run society, there is a place for everyone, with everyone in their place.
*
Bryant walked with his head bowed. The shackles around his hands and feet pulled heavily on his frail frame. He shumbled forwards between his guards. His hair had grown long during his trial, and its blackness fell like a thick fountain down to his ears. His head flicked rythmically to one side every few steps, getting it out of his vision, apparently without any thought or intention of his.
The rain dampened his spirits as equally as it dampened his clothes, seeped through to his skin and chilled him. When his steps faltered a hand appeared on each shoulder, one deathly pale, the other black as aces. The man on his right, a foot taller, silent and dark, was a foreigner. The Hospital was the only place a Darkie could work, and then only after months of screening and testing. But if they brought a sickness to the Hospital, it hardly mattered.
Bryant was guided through the entrance. His clothes were stripped from him, his foot-chains removed. He was pushed into a small, white-tiled room. Moments after the door shut behind him, hot water poured from the holes in the ceiling. For long seconds it was unbearable, until Bryant's skin turned a scalded pink and any trace of dirt on him was removed. Then the water stopped.
More rough hands guided him on. His trembling from the cold had stopped, but now it had started again, though his skin was still rosy warm. The whole building was heated. Warmer temperatures encouraged viral growth.
Finally he came to another room, another of a very few that was kept impecably clean. The white guard produced a key-card and swiped it through a small panel on the door. They were permitted access, but the guards hesitated. The Infirmary had a reputation all its own. Bryant shuffled foward.
Here white coats walked back and forth, speaking in low voices which issued from behind air-filtering masks. Thick blue gloves covered their hands up to the elbow. Locked glass cabinets contained glass phials, each one filled with viscous fluids in various sickly colors.
Bryant took a seat that a doctor nodded to. He slouched until the doctor raised an eyebrow. He screwed the last of his strength and sat straight. The doctor took several measurements - arm width, head shape and size, leg width, trunk. They would need these to compare later, to check extent and severity of any possible swelling. Then he was examined for birthmarks and scars, for later comparison in case of sores and weals.
Finally the doctor ticked off several items on a clipboard and went to the glass cupboard. Immediately the others fell into practised positions around the room. Movement stopped. A doctor at either end of the room, sexless in their white coveralls, raised a hand to switches. They, Bryant assumed, would be attached to special air filters, ready to suck out contaiminants in case of a spillage. He tensed.
His doctor checked over each shoulder, to ensure no one was nearby to bump into him, and then unlocked and opened the cabinet. He reached a steady hand in and lifted out one of the inocuous-looking phials. Turning slowly on the spot he reached for a bee-sting injector and slowly, carefully, locked in the phial. Bryant felt himself cringe. The doctor came unswervingly towards him and then reached down. The cold metal of the injector touched his arm and a second later it was done.
Bryant was a patient.
*
He was taken to a ward with others who'd been infected with the same virus. No risk of cross-contamination, which not only would affect the results of the cures, but could lead to new viruses which might escape. They were taught about the Hospital when they were young; back then admittance-worthy offences had included not eating vegetables or playing nice with others.
Bryant was settled into a bed, shown his chamberpot underneath it, and chained in. He was already beginning to feel nauseated, and his skin itched. He had no idea what they had given him, but the other beds's occupants were quiet and still. It was after midday so dinner, and dinner's medications, would not arrive for hours. Bryan leant back, trying to find a comfortable position, when he heard a hiss from the bed next to him.
A man with dirty blonde hair cropped quite close looked at him through watery eyes. "What did they get you for?" he asked.
_________________
Two girls, one body - it doesn't get better than this.
"I am absolute
You are unsure
I’m the tainted
And you are pure
I am ice
While you are hot
I am broken
And you are not."
Last edited by LolaTally on Thu Oct 08, 2009 11:02 pm; edited 6 times in total
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Sun Aug 23, 2009 2:41 am Post subject: |
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This is a good start Lolly, and dark themes will certainly attract my attention!
One thing though, if I may. I'd actually drop the first two parts entirely, and start with the bit following Byrant. I strongly believe in letting the reader figure out the world as they follow the story, taking clues from people speaking and the descriptions of the world around them.
Just one other thing, is this a SGame? Is the last bit a decision point?
Anyway, the Byrant bit is very enjoyable. Keep it coming.
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LolaTally
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| Posted: Sun Aug 23, 2009 4:37 am Post subject: |
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C'ren - thanks for the advice. Normally I would leave out the first bits, but I'm experimenting with view and wanted to try out the telescoping lead-in. Plus, I wasn't sure the character alone was enough of a catch to get anyone reading. AND because the rest of it is going to be so internalised, I thought it would be forever before I got to work in how it got to be like this. Of course, I've held some back tho, so if you stick with me, there'll be more backstory surprises. 
And yeah, going with the SG thing here. So basically I have very little of this story planned, just an arc. I don't even have Bryant developed. I don't want him to be a horrible crim, but the whole "wrongly accused and stuck in the system so there's a likeable character in the story" is overdone.
So this is the question - what can Bryant have done to deserve being there, but still make us want him to live. I've got stealing to live, killing in self-defense, and the above mistake. Votes and suggestions welcomed!
_________________
Two girls, one body - it doesn't get better than this.
"I am absolute
You are unsure
I’m the tainted
And you are pure
I am ice
While you are hot
I am broken
And you are not."
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Sun Aug 23, 2009 7:54 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | So this is the question - what can Bryant have done to deserve being there, but still make us want him to live. I've got stealing to live, killing in self-defense, and the above mistake. Votes and suggestions welcomed! |
Well then, let's not make it so easy eh? How about he killed a government official in a fit of rage when the afore mentioned official screwed him over in some way, and refused to apologize or something.
Maybe he had a daughter who needed treatment, but in some way this official created a situation that meant his daughter didn't get the treatment and died.
That should give you some angst to work with - Guilt, rage, grief, all good stuff! 
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Sun Aug 23, 2009 8:01 pm Post subject: |
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He's a low level criminal - minor thefts and stuff, but some big criminals recently did a huge armed robbery and managed to frame him for it.
He's served minor sentences for his various petty crimes in the past, but for once he is innocent this time.
An intriguing story - and I agree with Chinaren that the Bryant section holds up well enough on its own - you can drip-feed us with the outer-world details gradually as your tale progresses.
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LolaTally
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| Posted: Mon Aug 24, 2009 11:19 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks Crunchy. Thinking I will edit out the exposition now... you two will know what's happening, but I'll work it in later somehows.
Interesting ideas for the DP. Hmm... I'll old out for another one or two before I put up a poll. If there's no one else reading about four days from now, I'll get inventive and create a few...
_________________
Two girls, one body - it doesn't get better than this.
"I am absolute
You are unsure
I’m the tainted
And you are pure
I am ice
While you are hot
I am broken
And you are not."
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BStheGreat
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| Posted: Tue Aug 25, 2009 5:44 pm Post subject: Re: Falls Apart |
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| LolaTally wrote: |
In a well-run society, there was a place for everyone, with everyone in their place.
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Not a bad beginning however this one sentence simply drove me crazy. I don't know if it grammatically correct or not (I don't study grammar, it comes natural to me) but there are two things I see wrong with this sentence. The first one is the first comma, it doesn't need to be there and to me it sounds weird. The second part is the use of 'there was.' This sentence should be indefinite since you said 'In a well-run society' and is thus speaking in general. You put 'was' in there because you are writing in the past tense and you assumed it would also be correct to make this sentence past tense. It could be completely correct, however to me it sounds so much better simply to writer 'In a well-run society there is a place for everyone, with everyone in their places. Ahh, I caught a third error as I was writing that. 'Place' refers back to everyone and should be plural. Another way you could do it is 'In a well-run society there is a place for everyone, with everyone in his place.' But I would rewrite the entire sentence if I were you, doesn't make much sense anyways.
Okay, now that I'm done going over boring grammar, I'd say he was caught engaging in relations with someone important (Mayor, Politician, etc.) and was pretty much innocent. Besides being a petty thief, which is how he met the person's daughter in the first place.
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Ubi sunt qui ante nos fuerunt?
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LolaTally
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| Posted: Tue Aug 25, 2009 8:07 pm Post subject: |
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Haha, yeah, that sentence is a grammatical nightmare (I both study it and it comes naturally). But the first comma is there because "in a perfect society" is a modifier. The rest of the sentence is so structured less for the meanings in the sentence, but because I was parodying the line "a place for everything with everything in its place." Basically I was saying the society is perfect because the humanity had been removed and the people were basically objects. *shrugs* Maybe it's not as popular a phrase as I thought.
And thanks for the idea. That one's pretty awesome.  And thanks for reading.
_________________
Two girls, one body - it doesn't get better than this.
"I am absolute
You are unsure
I’m the tainted
And you are pure
I am ice
While you are hot
I am broken
And you are not."
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Wed Aug 26, 2009 4:54 am Post subject: Re: Falls Apart |
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| Lolatoffee wrote: |
In a well-run society, there was a place for everyone, with everyone in their place.
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I'd say: In a well run blah there's a place for everyone, with everyone in their place. As it's present continuous.
That said, I'm also drunk.
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LolaTally
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| Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 12:29 am Post subject: |
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There. Wee bit better.
_________________
Two girls, one body - it doesn't get better than this.
"I am absolute
You are unsure
I’m the tainted
And you are pure
I am ice
While you are hot
I am broken
And you are not."
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 12:05 pm Post subject: Re: Falls Apart |
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Found quite a few tiny mistakes in this, a lot of which a spell checker wouldn't pick up.
| LolaTally wrote: | He shumbled forwards. (Is 'shumbled' even a word? Either you mean shuffled or stumbled)
it's blackness fell. (Shouldn't be an apostrophe there).
kept impecably clean. (Should be impeccably)
A doctor, sexless in their white coveralls, at either end of the room raised a hand to switches. They, Bryant assumed, would be attached to special air filters, ready to suck out contaiminants in case of a spillage. (This really doesn't scan well. It seems like the doctors are attached to the air filters, and I have no idea what you've done with singulars/plurals here).
and slowly, careflly, locked in the phial. (Typo on carefully)
They were taught about the Hospital when they were young, when the threat was to eat vegetables and play nice with others. (I think you've ommitted a word here, unless you meant eating vegetables and playing nice to be the threat.)
the other beds's occupants (Should just be the other beds'). |
For the DP, I don't think he tells the guy. Maybe we could have a nice confused flashback, but he should just snarl 'Why do you want to know?' and leave it.
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LolaTally
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| Posted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 7:21 pm Post subject: Falls Apart - Now with poll! |
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Poll now added. Let the decision making begin!
_________________
Two girls, one body - it doesn't get better than this.
"I am absolute
You are unsure
I’m the tainted
And you are pure
I am ice
While you are hot
I am broken
And you are not."
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Wed Sep 02, 2009 4:15 pm Post subject: |
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I voted for one of the first options. Your poll has suffered from 'doubling' which happens here sometimes.
Don't worry about it, it won't actually affect the poll. It just looks a bit odd.
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Thu Sep 03, 2009 1:52 am Post subject: |
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Damn. Just had another idea for this. Ah, well. I voted anyway, and caused a tie.
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LolaTally
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| Posted: Tue Sep 08, 2009 4:59 am Post subject: |
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Okay, so I've (finally) closed off the poll and the decision point has ended with a tie:
After losing a family member when a goverment official didn't listen to his plea for help, he took vengeance and killed said official. 50% [ 2 ]
He got intangled with a politians daughter and when the affair went public he was sent to prison for it, lest he reveal that he met the girl while both were engaged in less-that-reputable activities. 50% [ 2 ]
So, just for fun and giggles, I'm going to try and combine these two in a way you hopefully will find satisfactory. Not tonight, because I have an interview early tomorrow, but tomorrow evening. I hope you'll all have a goosey at the result!
_________________
Two girls, one body - it doesn't get better than this.
"I am absolute
You are unsure
I’m the tainted
And you are pure
I am ice
While you are hot
I am broken
And you are not."
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Tue Sep 08, 2009 9:47 am Post subject: |
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A goosey, eh? I'm looking forward to it! 
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Crossfire
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| Posted: Wed Sep 09, 2009 1:36 am Post subject: |
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Yay~!
Ish fun. I hope that you combine death and hawtness in most exquisite manner, mystery creature~! Also, your body looks waaaay too crowded for more than one person, at least by the avvy.
I shall give you two Fable for a new one if you wanna'. ^^
Oh, also, I am going away for about one million years, now~! Genki de neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...
...but before I go...
...
~*~Smiles, blushing a little.~*~
Welcome to IF.
...
...~*~Departs; fleeing from embarassment now, too~?~*~...
..
...? >.<!
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LolaTally
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| Posted: Wed Sep 09, 2009 4:13 am Post subject: |
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Okay, maybe it won't be today. Or tomorrow. Laid up with bad allergies that feel like flu. Argh. My nose feels like it's bright red. ... Anyways, I won't disgust you with the details. Lets just say... give me to the weekend.
_________________
Two girls, one body - it doesn't get better than this.
"I am absolute
You are unsure
I’m the tainted
And you are pure
I am ice
While you are hot
I am broken
And you are not."
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 4:36 am Post subject: |
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Ah. Ahahahaaa!
I wondered what had happened to this one!
I saw Chapter 2 posted as a second chapter, and nudged LolaTally to post in the same thread. Then the chapter disappeared... no new posts - but then I discovered Chapter 2 edited into the first post!
Sorry Lola I didn't realise! It's been sitting there a whole week and nobody knew. 
Okay. Lola's new chapter is cut and pasted below.
Last edited by Crunchyfrog on Thu Sep 24, 2009 4:50 am; edited 1 time in total
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 4:37 am Post subject: |
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Chapter 2, originally posted by LolaTally.
Part 2
Bryant looked at the fellow through slitted eyes. He took a long time to answer, to formulate the words to express the event that had been uppermost in his thoughts for months, through his trial. Lyssa. That was what they had gotten him for. His beautiful Lyssa.
"Wrong place, wrong time, buddy," he said finally, hoping his roommate would leave it at that.
"Not buddy. Fred," the blue-eyed one insisted. "You?"
"Bryant." He sighed. "Do you mind? I'm not feeling too good."
"Yeah," agreed Fred, "it'll do that to you. I reckons they've nearly got the cure right, mind you. You come at a good time. A few nights and you'll be right again. I'm on the same meds as you, two weeks and I'se clean. Another week, I'se got, afore they gi' me somat new."
Bryant lifted an eyebrow and let his head fall to one side so he was facing Fred. "So what'd they get you for?"
"Me, oh, I'se killed mens," Fred answered airily. "Deserve to be here, I does. Got somat wrong up here," he tapped his head casually, "makes me like to killin people."
"You're a sociopath," Bryant said. It was a dirty word and he regretted saying it as soon as it was out.
"Aye, that's the word they likes to use. Done away with a few urchins; the young'uns is easier to catch, see. Got through a dozen 'em afore they catched me."
Bryant leaned away. He was feeling more nauseated than ever, but now it was... killed children. When it was so hard to have them in the first place, to have them taken away. Lyssa had been carrying... But it hurt too much to think that.
"What's with lookin' so pales, boy? You musta done somethin the like, to be in here, eh? Though the ways it has been lately, less and less patients, harder and harder sentences, eh? Steal a loaf for your family, boy? Innocent o' wrong-doin are you?"
Bryant shook his head. "No. A woman's dead because of me. I deserve to be here too. They killed her because of me."
"Gwon, boy." Fred leaned in. Bryant wondered if telling stories was the only relief here, the court-room drama of their pasts.
He explained to Fred, stopping and starting as he tried to find words. Lyssa had been the start of it all, she of the olive-green eyes and the smoke-black hair. She had pale skin, the maroon of her skin ruptures more like a red blush. She was one of the few who looked healthy, who had been born long enough after the contamination to be cleaner than most. She had been rich, she had been well-known. She had been too good for him.
Bryant had loved Lyssa from the day he saw her. She had come in to visit her father, Bryant's boss's boss, in the factory one day. She had giggled at something her father's minion had said to her and her smile had changed Bryant's world.
The affair had been whirlwind. They were both surprised at his audacity when he approached her on her second visit, a few weeks later. Bryant had spent the time repraoching himself for not making a move, knowing he would never see her again. When she did come, he couldn't stop himself.
They had met in the quiet, secret places they'd known as children - growing up post-infection, children were kept on tight leashes and, therefore, know more places to be completely free from adults than they would have otherwise. Bryant had known he'd be fired if anyone found out he was with a woman above his station, but Lyssa was worth it. They hadn't counted on Lyssa being punished too.
She was disowned by her father and the two of them left, penniless, to fend for themselves. They were twenty weeks away from being three instead of two, and they had nothing but each other. Still they both thought it could work, still they held on.
But Lyssa had gotten sick. She'd always been sick, from the day she was born, but her father had kept the knowledge from her, hasd saved her from the Purgers, by purchasing black-market meds. They had kept the sickness quiet as long as she took them, but they had no money for them now and in any case, they didn't know what she had. They couldn't go to the doctors with an Incurable illness. A doctor wouldn't manage her disease, he'd simply send her straight to the Purgers.
So Bryant has prostrated himself at Lyssa's father's feet, promised they'd never be together again, if only he would help her. He refused. Lyssa, and the baby girl she was carrying, only lasted another nine weeks. They died in a gutter on the edge of the city.
Bryant had done what he'd had to do to avenge her. An eye for an eye, after all.
*
When dinner came around, Bryant was feeling worse than before, worse than he could have imagined. When the oderly gave Fred a tray, he looked meaningfully at Bryant and downed his pills before setting on his meal with gusto. The grey slop on Bryant's tray wiggled at him alarmingly. He lifted his own pills and looked at them through squinted eyes.
He recognised a painkiller, and an antibiotic. He wasn't sure what the other three were. He looked again at Fred, who was licking the last of his gruel from its bowl. Should he take them, he wondered. Should he let himself fall into the system?
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 4:49 am Post subject: |
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Well there are some possibilities here.
If he takes them he could end up losing control over the situation (mm. not like he's in control right now, being chained to the bed and everything.) But at least Fred's longevity in the ward might be comforting - that they like to re-use their patients - may mean that taking the pills might not be the end of the world, at least not yet.
I think taking the painkiller and the antibiotic would be the thing to do, and perhaps hide the other three pills.
Oh and btw
| Quote: | | The grey slop on Bryant's tray wiggled at him alarmingly. |
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Amichan
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Location: RL:Roseboro, NC./ IF: Retuning from a long journey in the land of OFF
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| Posted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 4:58 am Post subject: |
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| i'm thinking keeping all the pills. Bryant may have an Internal hatrid for Fred since he is a child Killer maybe slip one or two into his next meal
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Smee
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| Posted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 6:00 am Post subject: |
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I'm liking this one. Most intriguing. I'm quite the fan of the dystopian type future stories and this seems one messed up future.
If this Hospital is how I think - a place to human guineapig serious criminals I'm sure they're long since used to any tricks to not take meds. We're chained to the bed and I'm sure the 'doctors' won't balk at forcing them down us if we show any signs of reluctance.
Maybe next time they'll just inject them into us as we sleep, or mix it into our food. 
I think we're going to have to risk it for now and just take them. Learn the system and see if there's opportunity later for secreting them.
Besides, we've been infected with something. If the meds cure it, it's in our interest to take them. During our week off inbetween infections is the time to be rebellious.
Happy Writing
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The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 6:11 pm Post subject: |
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Interesting story, but it does need some careful editing. There were a lot of typos and errors that derailed my reading a number of times. Keep in mind that this is the problem with such errors. They become more blaringly noticable than the points you're trying to get across to your readers. None of us are perfect of course...
Otherwise, yes, an intriguing tale so far and I'm interested in seeing where it leads. I'd say take only the antibiotic. The ones you don't recognize could be working against you and the painkiller could be a subtle weapon to stash away for later. (possibly a useful tool in case you start experiencing something painful!)
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DeadManWalking
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| Posted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 7:31 am Post subject: |
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This is a very interesting story.
Initially, I'd have to agree with what seems to be the bulk of the opinions, don't take the three pills you don't know, and definitely take the antibiotic. As for the painkiller, I'm indifferent. Probably save that until there is pain, although if it's too slow-acting, monitoring systems might notice that he is actually feeling pain. Perhaps they give it to him now because they know there will be pain later.
As an extension of that final idea, the reason there could be so many pills is that they want to see if he'll take them. perhaps the pill that looks like an antibiotic is simply a placebo and all helpful medication is in the three unknowns.
These people seem like they might do that, just to test him early.
So i have to agree with Cfrog on this one, take all the pills for now.
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When the dead walk, the living run.
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Mon Sep 28, 2009 7:36 am Post subject: |
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This Storygame has received Sticky Status. That means it will remain prominent at the top of the forum for as long as the Author keeps it active.
Sticky Status is awarded based on the old New Storygame promotion requirements. Those are - two good chapters, with a reasonable standard of spelling, punctuation, grammar and paragraph formatting. Along with that, there should be DPs, and subsequent chapters following the course of the outcome of the vote.
One new requirement has been added to the old Promotion requirements. This is regular and frequent chapters. Sticky Status will be removed if there is a gap of more than two months after the last chapter was posted.
Apart from a few typos in the first chapter (which I trust will be corrected!)  this SG passes, so LolaTally, enjoy your stay at the top of the forum.
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Wed Oct 21, 2009 1:06 am Post subject: |
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Oops, didn't notice this poll!
....And voted!
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Smee
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| Posted: Wed Oct 21, 2009 1:08 am Post subject: |
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And voted too.
Happy Writing
_________________
The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sat Nov 14, 2009 12:29 pm Post subject: |
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Damn it! I didn't find this in time to vote!
Really liking this story, LolaTally, and I can't wait for the next chapter. Though it doesn't make any difference now, I would have gone with the majority and said take them all.
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
 
 
  
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sat Nov 14, 2009 2:28 pm Post subject: |
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Dang... missed the poll... s'pose I would've only tied things up though as I would have voted for the second option. (Take the antibiotics only)
_________________
      
 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
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| What does Bryant do with the pills? |
| Take none of them – stash the useful ones for when symptoms appear, and keep the other three in case they’re harmful and can be used as a weapon later |
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25% |
[ 1 ] |
| Take the anti-biotic, stash the painkiller for later and dispose of the others |
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25% |
[ 1 ] |
| Take the two he recognizes – the pain pill and the anti-biotic |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
| Take everything – we don’t want to risk them being forced on us, and when they kick in and start healing us is the time to rebel |
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50% |
[ 2 ] |
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| Total Votes : 4 |
| Who Voted: Amichan, Crunchyfrog, DeadManWalking, Smee |
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