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SimpleDarkness
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 Posted: Wed Apr 14, 2010 3:21 pm Post subject: Maelstrom, Chapter One |
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* * *
The air tasted sweet on the breeze, accompanied by the ever present tang of salt. With a small smile, Ixia allowed her eyes to flutter closed as she inhaled the intoxicating scents of the foliage around her. The small slits in her petite nose, the size of which was a subject of much ridicule when she was younger, worked diligently to take in as much of the night air as they could. Perched on the edge of a slab of sandstone, she rested her elbows on her knees and her chin on her hands. Ixia reveled in the sounds of the nightsong around her the scuffle of a king scorpios across the sands, the yips and calls of two mating flame foxes, and even the hiss of a rattletail as it claimed its meal of some small, unfortunate mammal.
Opening her gaze to the sight before her, a wistful sigh escaped her lips. The Sea of Sand only displayed this particular beauty to the moon, waiting for the cool embrace of evening before the luscious blooms planted around the oasis unfurled. The flowers that encircled the oasis appeared no more than weeds in the daylight choked, bruise colored vines with thorny knobs clustered tightly in rings. But when the Lord of Light dipped below the horizon and the Pale Queen rose to her full glory, those same bumpy weeds flowered into spirals of soft, rusty light.
There was a name for the incredible bioluminescent flowers that Ixia so admired, but herbalism was reserved for healers. As a child of the blade, it was none of her business what the soft handed mystics called their plants. Even so, she sometimes wondered what letters gathered together could express such beauty, such inspiration as the sight before her. Something, she assured herself. They must be called something.
A strangled noise caused her ears to flick forward, the tawny tufts of hair standing erect and slightly waving in the wafting air. Cocking her head to the side, her eyes flicked quickly from one side of her vision to the other in an attempt to place the source of the noise. Ixia tensed in her seat, one hand reaching for her ysanthe, a double bladed staff stuck in the sand near her. The glow of the blossoms made it almost impossible for her eyes to adjust completely to the night around her, and only added to her feeling of restless unease.
It wasn't until something bounded out of the darkness that Ixia gave a startled yip and swung her ysanthe in a blurred arc. The darksteel blade swept cleanly through the furred mass that had surprised her, the two halves of a large desert cabbit falling into the sand with a dull thump. She stood frozen for a moment, her heart slowing as the lack of danger became more and more apparent. With a disgusted huff, both at her own fear and the mess on her blade she now had to clean, Ixia scowled. She spun her ysanthe around, stabbing it bloodied blade first into the sands.
She fell to her knees, black tipped nails reaching into a pouch at her waist. She pinched down and withdrew her hand, her fingers covered in a fine gray soot. Muttering a prayer to the Mother, Ixia liberally sprinkled the ash over the cooling corpse. From the Mother ye come, she breathed, and unto the Mother shall ye be recived. It was not honorable, her unintentional kill. She would not harvest from its death, and wasted life was not looked kindly upon. The least she could do was thank it for its sacrifice, and help its essence into the next realm.
After a moment of contemplation, Ixia rose. Her cloven feet were large and flat, perfect for moving across sand without sinking. Moving the few steps back to her sitting stone, she sat with a small sigh. Fishing out two cloths and a small bladder pouch from her shoulder bag, she grimly got to work.
Mulling over suddenly morose thoughts, Ixia's mood darkened considerably. She was so on edge lately, but then she had good reason to. Her coming of age was soon. So close, in fact, she could almost taste the freedom that came with being declared an equal of her tribe. Yet, if she failed her Trial, then it would be many years before she was again allowed the chance to prove herself. It was not common, but it was not rare for it to take multiple attempts to gain adulthood. The terror Ixia felt pool in her belly that she just wasn't good enough threatened to take a hold of her. If there was one thing Ixia knew she was terrible at, it was losing.
Almost tenderly she wiped the dark blue blood from the blade of her ysanthe, cleaning all of the stain off. Discarding the scrap of hide she had used to the sand, she placed the second one over her palm and squeezed a thick mixture of oil and animal fat from the bladder to the rag. Holding the wood of her staff firmly, she applied the polish in strong, even strokes to the darksteel. The familiar task let her churning thoughts rest as she focused on cleaning her weapon.
A child became an adult through a Trial, she thought, and snorted in amusement. The nature of the Trial changed for the profession that child was trained to do. A healer must heal, an artisan must craft. A warrior must fight. An ambush of three to six adults from her own tribe lie in wait for her at some point in the future, and it would be up to her to be ready. While her nerves frazzled from anticipation, there was a small part of her that feared the coming test. That part, however small it was, Ixia refused to acknowledge and smothered. Fear had no place here.
Repacking her cleaning supplies, Ixia stood and gazed one last time at the dim, rusty sea that flickered and moved with the motion of the water of the oasis. Hefting her ysanthe over her shoulder, she turned to begin her trek home. The way to her village was simple, and she followed the path by memory. If she began to drift from the right direction, a glance at the stars put her back on course.
For a moment, the idle thought that she had circled the world and returned to the oasis skittered across her brain. Ahead, the night was illuminated. Ixia quickened her pace. She moved faster and faster and before she realized, she was sprinting across the sands towards the flames the engulfed her home. As she neared, the sounds of panic and confusion because apparent. But she stumbled to a halt as she caught snatches of a harsh, unfamiliar language.
Stupidly, she mouthed one of the greatest fears of the desert people. Humans. Slave traders!
Close enough to see her village, Ixia was suddenly rife with indecision. A neighboring tribe was not to far away if she ran hard and fast, she would make it to safety. They might even be able to muster an attack force to rescue her people before the traders disappeared back into the night. But the piercing screams that punctured the night tugged her heart towards the roaring flame.
* * *
So, I'm fairly new to the City of IF. I'm doing this right, aren't I? =D Comments, questions, and critiques are always welcome. <3
XOXO
- SimpleDarkness
Last edited by SimpleDarkness on Fri Apr 16, 2010 5:02 am; edited 1 time in total
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Wed Apr 14, 2010 3:44 pm Post subject: |
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Hey SimpleDarkness! And welcome to the city! 
I'm assuming that the DP is should she run to the neighbouring tribe for help, or something else?
If so, I would say that would be the best course of action. To stand and fight would most likely be pointless, and, though she could just run, she would feel bad about leaving her own tribe to such a fate without trying to help them.
I say, make for the neighbouring tribe, and hopefully they will help her out.
This is a good start! I look forward to reading more... 
_________________
.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
 
 
  
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Shillelagh
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| Posted: Wed Apr 14, 2010 7:26 pm Post subject: |
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Fascinating! I enjoy the terminology used for simple things- it's a small but effective way of adding a flair of fantasy to your writing. I wish I knew a bit more about the village, though, since it's a key part of the DP. What happens to her if they kidnap the entire village? Would she have to join a different tribe? Is that common? Would they only take part of the village? Would she need to fight back and rescue them? Do the two villages have good relations? Will it be easy to seek help? What help can the other village provide that hers cannot offer?
But I'm whining. And I repeat, it's a nicely written chapter, and it has potential for a great storygame. Keep my comments in the back of your mind, but don't take them too seriously. It's just disappointing that the DP doesn't have much detail to it, when the entire rest of the segment is chock full of interesting details.
Personally, I think Ixia should immediately rush back to her village. She should try and stay hidden, in case it's a lost cause and she needs to flee... but she should head back and see if she can offer help in any way. Even only a few survivors would be better than none.
_________________
 
Ihniwid Chapter 5 is up- find it here!
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Wed Apr 14, 2010 10:56 pm Post subject: |
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Welcome to City of IF! An excellent start, you introduced us to your world very well.
For the DP, I agree with Shille, that we're kind of guessing a little bit on which is the best option as we know little about the human traders, and apart from the Trial, almost nothing about the culture of Ixia's people.
However, we know what humans look like, and that sand is difficult to run on, as they are in a desert landscape. The humans may be riding some form of animals like camels which give them speed, or they could have some kind of vehicles that are either self propelled or are pulled along, somehow. They're not going to be on foot.
This is the advantage Ixia's people have over humans - being better adapted to the environment, on foot they will be faster and more agile. She could run now, but if she is spotted, she could be caught by a human on a faster desert-animal. She could go in and fight, but she won't be able to do much alone, and there will be more experienced adults who will be defending themselves much more effectively than perhaps she could in her stage of life.
Also we don't know yet how many humans there are. She might need more information if she's to run for help, but it looks like time is of the essence.
Is there anything she could do to delay the onslaught before running for help? Maybe cut free some of the humans' animals, hindering them? If so, I'd make that suggestion.
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SimpleDarkness
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| Posted: Thu Apr 15, 2010 6:30 am Post subject: |
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Thank you all for such a quick response! =D I'm all sorts of flattered.
@ Tikanni
Yes, the decision was supposed to be running or helping. And I hope to be able to write more for you! =3
@ Shille
Thank you! You've given me a bunch of ideas for the coming chapter. I never would have thought of all that! @.@
@ Crunchyfrog
You're providing much fodder for my muse. It shouldn't be hard at all to write the second part. =p
How long does it normally take before a poll goes up and the next chapter's submitted?
XOXO
- SimpleDarkness
_________________
"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind; And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind."
-- William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream
Maelstrom, Chapter One
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Thu Apr 15, 2010 6:37 am Post subject: |
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Storygame cycles vary - but to maximise your readership, I'd give it four or five days, a week at the very most before polling. That way you'll give those people who maybe only log in once or twice a week enough time to add suggestions.
For the poll - I'd say run your poll for about a week as well. Not only will it give people a greater chance to vote, if a clear winner is emerging it gives you extra thinking time before writing the next chapter.
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Shillelagh
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| Posted: Thu Apr 15, 2010 11:37 am Post subject: |
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Heh, if there's one thing I've learned about storygaming... your readers are always thinking about things that you didn't even consider. The trick is to keep your mouth shut, absorb the idea into your the work in your own way, and pretend that you were thinking about it in that way all along. Any trivial detail can become foreshadowing if you mention it again.
Time is always a hard one to judge- especially since I'm impatient. And you will get people who will vote, even if they don't have anything to add to the discussion. I find that if you're going to lengthen one process, it's usually the vote. As long as the part you're writing is the clear winner, you can leave the vote open while you work, and people can still mention why they're selecting the option they did. I'd say throw the poll up tomorrow, and don't close it until you've at least gotten a vote from everyone who posted.
_________________
Ihniwid Chapter 5 is up- find it here!
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D-Lotus
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| Posted: Thu Apr 15, 2010 6:32 pm Post subject: |
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From reading this chapter I can tell you have reached a proficient level of writing. Stylistically, you are already among the top strata of authors on this website. There's a part that particularly caught my attention as being very accomplished:
| Quote: | | The flowers that encircled the oasis appeared no more than weeds in the daylight choked, bruise colored vines with thorny knobs clustered tightly in rings. But when the Lord of Light dipped below the horizon and the Pale Queen rose to her full glory, those same bumpy weeds flowered into spirals of soft, rusty light. |
Anyway, congratulations on the auspicious beginning. There are a few details, however, that seem unsatisfying because they don't go far enough.
| Quote: | | The air tasted sweet on the breeze, accompanied by the ever present tang of salt. |
Salt? Is there an ocean nearby, or does it come from the trees or the sand? Of course you don't want to interrupt the narrative flow to explain every detail, but I think there are certain aspects you can work on making more precise.
| Quote: | | The darksteel blade swept cleanly through the furred mass that had surprised her, the two halves of a large desert cabbit falling into the sand with a dull thump. |
The blade was very well described, and in a subtle way. But I think the description of the cabbit may have been too subtle. I got the impression that it was some form of rabbit, but I need one more detail to confirm my intuition.
| Quote: | | A healer must heal, an artisan must craft. A warrior must fight. |
Are these the only social dynamics of the tribe? I was puzzled. Who gathers food, hunts, or farms?
I probably wouldn't be so nit-picky except that the first chapter is so important to setting the scene for the remainder of the story.
As for the DP, I believe that Ixia is a warrior. And if this isn't a trial, then I don't know what is. She will fight and do whatever she can. Who is to say she is alone? Are there not other warriors in her tribe as well?
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Mon Apr 19, 2010 12:01 am Post subject: |
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.....and voted! 
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SimpleDarkness
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| Posted: Mon Apr 19, 2010 9:06 am Post subject: |
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Haha. Yaaay! Thank you Crunchy~ <3
XOXO
- SimpleDarkness
_________________
"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind; And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind."
-- William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream
Maelstrom, Chapter One
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| Ixia has returned to her home village, finding it ablaze and hearing an unknown number of slavers within. What does she do? |
| Flee. |
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25% |
[ 1 ] |
| Continue forward. |
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75% |
[ 3 ] |
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| Total Votes : 4 |
| Who Voted: Crunchyfrog, D-Lotus, Shillelagh, Tikanni Corazon |
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