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A Grimm World (First Story Game!!!)

 
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Grimmer
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 07, 2009 10:53 pm    Post subject: A Grimm World (First Story Game!!!) Reply with quote

Chapter One

Story’s End


“Daddy, will you tell me a story?”
Misha looked at his young daughter and set down his tools. A man in his position really couldn’t afford to be idle, but seeing Ingrid’s hopeful face mad finishing a table for the owner of a tavern seem insignificant. Misha had the misfortune of being unusually well educated for his station coupled with the usual lack of money. He regretted his inability to provide more for his family, but Ingrid’s love for his stories consoled him.

“Which would you like to hear, Ingrid? A true story about wars and old Kings, or a pretty lie about dragons and witches?”

“Tell Me the one about the Prince in disguise.”

“That one?” He asked in mock surprise, “but you’ve heard it a hundred times. Are you sure you don’t want to hear about the sleeping princess?”

“Please Daddy? It’s my favorite.”

“How about the one with the brave farmer?”

“Please?”
Misha smiled, sat down in a rough-hewn chair, and set his little girl on his knee.

“Alright, if you really want to hear that one. Once upon a time, there was a young prince, and the time came for him to marry or forfeit his throne. He wished for a wife who loved him more than his crown, so he disguised himself as a humble beggar, and traveled the country, seeking his true love…”

Much later in the day, his work finally done, Misha came home with a sleeping Ingrid in his arms. He set her in her little bed by the fire, tucked her in, and gently kissed her forehead.

“Dearest?”

Misha turned to see his wife, Anaya, leaning on a cane for support, looking even paler than usual.

“Anya? You should be resting.”

“I’m alright.”

“Please Anya; I don’t want you to make yourself sick.”

Misha placed his arm around his wife for support and guided her back to the small room they shared

“It’s a little late for that, Misha.”

Misha helped her back under the covers and said nothing.

“You’re home latter than usual today.”

In any other wife it would have been a reproach. But Anya wasn’t the type of woman to be jealous of her husband’s profession. She wasn’t the type to be jealous of anything, really; and the smile on her face showed that she knew the cause of the delay.

“I’ve told Ingrid not to bother you while you work, but she always does.”

“I don’t mind, really I don’t; and she does love to hear the stories…”

“We both do, only Ingrid likes the false ones and I prefer the true ones.”

Misha’s brow creased. He suddenly looked much older.

“But the true ones don’t always end happily,” he said. “Many times, the end in grief and-”

Misha found it difficult to continue, and looked away from his wife as if ashamed to meet her gaze. Anya took his hand and spoke softly.

“Misha, please listen to me. I know the true stories tend to end in grief, but wasn’t it a part of the grief that the people in them had known happiness before? It’s the price of real story, a real happiness, that it ends and it hurts when it ends; but the fact that a story may end tragically doesn’t make it a tragedy all through.”

Misha nodded and kissed him wife gently.

“Rest well dearest.” He whispered. Anya settled back on the pillows and closed her eyes

“Good night dearest, Rest well.”

Ten Years Later

“Andrew, you’re missing the whole point.”

Ingrid spoke with her hands on her hips, signaling her irritation. Andrew hefted a large pail of water from the well and looked at her, amused.

“And what point is that?”

Ingrid took the pail from Andrew and poured it into the water trough all the sheep were crowding around while she replied.

“The fact that she woke up when he kissed her is symbolic; it isn’t supposed to be realistic.”

Andrew sighed and wiped the sweat off his brow with a handkerchief.

“I understand that Ingrid, what I meant was that it isn’t true to life. A person doesn’t just go from being, ‘asleep’, if you will, to being madly in love with the one person they’re meant to be with. It doesn’t work like that. There are always false starts.”

“Ah, and I suppose you’re illustrious life as a field-hand has made you the sum of all wisdom?”

Most men in the village would have been offended by Ingrid’s tone. But Andrew wasn’t the type to take offence easily. He didn’t seem to take offence at anything, really.

“Why do you always bring up my profession when I’ve asked a good question?”

He asked with a grin. Ingrid rolled her eyes and returned her attention to watering the sheep. Andrew had arrived in her village about five years after her father had died. Like her father, Andrew was unusually well educated, and loved to talk about the things he’d learned. Ingrid had found his presence a great relief. She had tried learned as much as possible from her father after her mother had succumbed to illness, as a way of not thinking about her grief, but after he had likewise passed on there was no one else in the village who cared to discuss ‘idle matters’ that had no relevance to spring planting or storing up for winter. As a result, Andrew and Ingrid were nearly always together, talking of their favorite subjects, despite the fact that they didn’t always agree about them. It had gotten to the point where whisperings about them were circulating among the gossips in the village, but both pretended not to notice.

“Well, I think you’re wrong.” Ingrid said, somewhat miffed. “Why shouldn’t it happen like that?”

Andrew stopped and looked at Ingrid, serious for the first time that afternoon.

“Because it can’t.” he said. “It takes time. Months at least, maybe even years.”

He shot her a look that made her very uncomfortable, though she couldn’t say why. An awkward silence ensued.

“I wonder who that is.”

She said at length, spying a figure headed in their direction, and promptly ran towards it. She didn’t really care who the visitor was, but she had suddenly wanted to break free of Andrew’s company. Andrew followed after her. When they reached the stranger, he presented a curious sight. He was dressed in the poorest of rags, like a lowly beggar, but he didn’t carry himself like one. He stood tall, shoulders squared proudly, and he was surprisingly clean for a man who lived in the streets.

“Pardon me, Miss,” he spoke in a resonant voice that also contrasted with his apparel. “Is Lord Westbrook at home? I have urgent business with him.”

Ingrid didn’t reply, but stared at the man as if turned to stone. Andrew eyed the stranger suspiciously.

“You have business with the Lord of the manner? I find that difficult to believe.”

“Andrew!” Ingrid retorted, suddenly more animated than he had seen her all day. “Andrew, where are your manners? If this gentleman says he has Business with our Good Lord, than he must. Go and inform him he has a visitor immediately.”

“But…”

“Andrew!”

Ingrid shot him a look that told him his presence wasn’t wanted. He turned begrudgingly towards the Manor, and heard Ingrid address the man.

“What are you called, traveler?”

“Wilhelm, Miss.”

“Good Sir, you must have had a difficult journey. Shall I fetch you a drink of water from the well?”

“You are to kind, my Lady.”

Andrew rolled his eyes at the visitor’s response.

“‘My Lady’? ‘Good Sir’? Oh, this could only end badly.”

Five years Later…

Narisa entered the Queen’s chambers, and promptly regretted it. The King was there, standing with arms crossed. The Queen was standing up from her seat by the window, having only just seen him.

“What are you doing here, Wilhelm?” She demanded “I thought we agreed you’d leave me be in here.”

“I need to speak with you, Ingrid,” The king replied testily. “It’s important.”

Narisa ducked behind a pillar, not wanting to remain but being unable to leave the room without alerting them of her presence. She peeked out and saw the Queen standing with her hands on her hips, struggling to keep her temper.

“You could have sent a servant; heaven knows we have enough of them.”

“Is my presence really so detestable to you Ingrid?”

“Detestable? Oh no, it’s the highlight of my very existence, what else on earth do I have to live for?”

The King went red in the face and glared at his wife.

“You could at least try to be civil.”

At this the Queen lost the last of her self-control

“And you could at least honor the only request I’ve ever made of you and leave me alone! Why do you have to intrude on the one place I have to myself? Is it too much to ask, only for a few moments in the day, for you to leave me in peace?”

The King didn’t speak for a long time, but whether it was out of anger or hurt, Narisa couldn’t tell. When he did speak, his voice was low, almost ashamed.

“Ingrid, we’re going to war.”

The Queen looked at her husband in shock for a moment, then burst out into frantic laughter.

“Oh, that should please you, Wilhelm; I know how much you love the thrill of battle. You’ve been anxious for another war for two years.”

The King seemed stricken at this statement.

“Ingrid, please don’t.”

“If you’re trying to tell me you’re leaving for the dangerous battle field, possibly to die a slow, painful death, then just go and be done with it; Spare me the pretense of regret.”

The King looked at his wife, and his mouth twitched in an odd way. He took a step closer, and spoke very quietly.

“I wish I’d never set eyes on you.”

The Queen simply returned her husband’s stare, and then wearily sat back down by the window.

“There, Wilhelm. You’ve said everything you needed to say to me, now leave.”

The King left through the large wooden doors opposite Narisa’s hiding place, pulling them shut behind him with a resounding thud. Narisa could hear the Queen take several sharp intakes of breath, and tentatively stepped out from behind the pillar. The Queen didn’t notice her. She checked her reflection quickly in the large mirror on the wall. Her disguise wasn’t perfect, prompting her to adjust the brim of her hood, ensuring that it covered her face sufficiently. When Ingrid finally realized there was another person in the room, she wiped her eyes hastily and didn’t meet Narisa’s gaze, which was all the better.

“Rachel, is that you?” Ingrid asked. “Yes, your highness” Narisa purred, trying to make her voice sound as like the handmaiden’s she was impersonating.

“Did you speak to the apothecary about my headaches?”

“Yes, my Queen.”

“Had he anything that can give me relief?”

Narisa smiled in spite of herself, and reached in her cloak for the small bottle she’d brought with her.

“Yes, your majesty, I managed to acquire this.”

She handed it to Ingrid, who eyed it curiously.

“It looks cloudy. What is it?”

“Something that will most undoubtedly bring permanent relief.”

A hopeful look crossed the Queen’s face as she uncorked the bottle.

“Permanent? That’s the best news I’ve had in a long time. How is it administered?”

“Only by drinking, My Queen, but the taste is foul. Let me mix it with wine for you.”

The Queen handed the bottle back, and Narisa hastily went to the cupboard in the corner and poured the contents into an ornate golden cup, giddy with excitement. She poured the wine in after, and walked back to the Queen. Forcing herself to go slowly.

“Here you are, your Majesty. May it bring you peace.”

The Queen took the cup, and the world seemed to move in slow motion as Narisa watched her tilt her head back and drink deeply. The Queen opened her eyes, a dreamy smile on her face, and looked at the woman in front of her. Narisa let the illusion fall, wanting to relish her victory. The Queen started violently when she saw the face of the old hag grinning down on her.

“You…you aren’t Rachel!”

“No, highness, I am not.”

It was with immense satisfaction that Narisa saw the brief, unbelieving surprise give way to alarm and fear, which in turn gave way to nothing but a deadly paleness as the cup slipped from the Queen’s hand and she collapsed to the ground. Narisa cackled with delight, and hefted Ingrid onto her royal bed, arranging her to look as if she were asleep. No one else was likely to disturb the Queen today, and the King would be just as easy to fool. The only matter of concern was getting out of the room before-

“You!”

Narisa jumped and spun around, cursing inwardly. The real Rachel stood in the doorway, a basket filled with various medicines hanging from her arm.

“You! What are you doing in the Queen’s chambers?”

Before Narisa could think of a reply, Rachel spied the Queen’s pale form on the bed and rushed forward.

“What has happened to the Queen?” She demanded. Narisa cleared her throat and did her best to sound like a concerned citizen.

“She fainted miss; I fear she may be ill.”

Rachel placed her fingers on the Queen’s wrist, felt her forehead, and, much to Narisa’s chagrin. smelled her breath. Clearly this woman was no fool. Rachel looked sharply up at Narisa, then rushed to the door.

“Guards!” She yelled, “An intruder has attacked the Queen!”

Narisa hadn’t expected that. Before she could escape, she was surrounded by angry men pointing swords at her. She swallowed, and fell on her knees, hoping her haggard face would win her sympathy.

“My good lady,” she pleaded, “I am merely a poor old woman attempting to assist-”

“Silence, witch.” She ordered curtly, and pointed at the Queen. “I know your craft when I see it.”

An angry hiss escaped Narisa’s teeth as the guards hoisted her to her feet.

“Unhand me! Or I’ll curse you and you’re children’s children!”

The guards began to waver, but Rachel spoke up quickly.

“She has no power in words; if she did she would have spoken them already.”

This reassured the guards, and after binding Narisa’s hands behind her back, looked again to Rachel for direction.

“Lock her in the east tower, the one without windows. The apothecary will be just outside the palace grounds, send someone to fetch him back immediately. And inform his highness of what has happened. Quickly!”

The men left, dragging the witch behind them, who was at no loss for curses to hurl at the young woman. After they had gone, Rachel hurriedly snatched up her basket and arranged the bottles on the nightstand. She took an empty one, and poured various amounts from most of the bottles together. When finished, she propped the Queen’s head up slightly, pinched her nose, and forced some of the liquid down her throat. The rest she dumped into a basin, filling the remainder with water. She tore a fragment off her apron, soaked it in the mixture, and proceeded to dab the Queen’s face and arms with it. After a long time the Apothecary entered, anxiety written in every wrinkle of his aged face, followed by the King, who seemed more confused than frightened.

“Child, what are you doing?”

The old man asked Rachel. She looked up from her task and breathed a sigh of relief.

“Oh, good, you’re here. The Queen has been given something, I don’t know what exactly, but it reeks of foul magic. I mixed a counteractive from what you gave me this morning and poured some of it down her throat. I’m spreading more over her for her body to absorb. It won’t cure her, but it may slow what the witch gave her.”

The old man looked at her in astonishment. He picked up the basin, dipped his finger in, and tasted what Rachel had concocted.

“Good heavens child, how do you know so much about these matters?”

“I…I’ve seen many people ill in my home village, sir.” She faltered. She began to say something else, but Wilhelm interrupted.

“And what of her assailant? Has she escaped?”

“No, your majesty. The guards have taken her to the east tower. She may be a witch, but she is old and frail; I believe it wouldn’t be difficult to persuade her to divulge what she’s poisoned the Queen with.”

The King and the old man exchanged a glance.

“Well done, Rachel,” Wilhelm said, nodding to her in respect. “Very well don indeed. Kurt!”

A man entered the room from outside, dressed like the guards, but with a badge that symbolized his status as their captain. He said nothing, but bowed to the King.

“You heard what Miss Rachel said, Kurt.”

“Yes, your Highness.”

“I will accompany you to the witch’s cell.”

“As you command, my King.”

“Rachel, since you seem to know so much of what happened; you will come too and leave her Majesty to the apothecary’s care.”

“Yes, Sire.”

The three made their way to the east wing of the castle, none speaking. The King was unsure what he felt, or was supposed to feel, under the circumstances; but he was amazed at Rachel. In the three years she’d served his wife, she’d hardly spoken more than five words together at once, and always kept to herself. He prided himself on knowing what went on in his household, but apperently he knew nothing of this strange young woman. One thing nagged at him: Rachel had come from a humble, and very ordinary, background. How did she know so much about witchcraft? He pushed the thought to the back of his mind when they reached the entrance to the tower. He had more important things to attend to. True to Rachel’s opinion, Narisa soon caved under ‘persuasion’ and told them what she had given the Queen.

“I did not give her poison.” She croaked out. “The potion was nothing more than rainwater.”

Rachel breathed another sigh of relief when she heard what it was. Wilhelm and Kurt looked at her, confused, and waited for an explanation.

“It isn’t the liquid itself that hurt the Queen,” She explained. “Witches use rainwater as a carrier for a spell. When it is drunk, the spell is released into the body. All we need is the release for it, and it should be a simple one if it hasn’t altered her appearance or form.”

One again, Wilhelm wondered how Rachel could know something like that, but determined to ask her about it later. Her turned to the witch, and demanded to know the release for the spell. At first she didn’t answer. At a nod from Wilhelm, Kurt grabbed the old woman by the throat, slammed her against the wall, and proceeded to twist her arm behind her back.

“I’ll tell you, please!” She cried out. “The release is a simple one, like the lady said. It’s a…a kiss. Please, stop!”

The King nodded, and Kurt released to witch, letting her fall to the ground.

“A kiss?” The King asked. “That’s all that is required to release the Queen?”

“Not an ordinary one,” Narisa gasped, “Only a kiss from her true love will break the spell, and bring her back to the land of the living. Without it she will soon die.”

“Shall I dispose of her, your Majesty?” Kurt asked.

“No Kurt” The King replied. “She may be lying. Let her live…for now.”

The three returned to the Queen’s chamber. The King entered alone, and explained the situation to the old man. He was likewise relieved to know the solution was so simple, and subsequently left the room. Wilhelm stood for a moment, looking at his wife, still not knowing how to feel. Slowly, he approached her unconscious form, and bruised the hair from her face. He closed his eyes, and kissed her gently.

...Nothing happened.

He waited for what seemed an eternity, but there was no change in his wife. He kissed her again. Still nothing.

Wilhelm was never sure afterwards how long he stood there. But eventually the door opened, and the three outside stepped in to see what had become of the King and Queen.

“She…she didn’t wake up..”The King said, dazed.

“You did kiss her?” The old man asked.

“Yes, I kissed her, and she didn’t wake up.


Last edited by Grimmer on Sun Jun 14, 2009 3:11 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Chinaren
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 07, 2009 11:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mmm, a new one. Nice.

First a few points...

Quote:
hopeful face mad finishing


Missed an 'e' here.


Quote:
Ten Years Later


Just a formatting thing here, this seemed very abrupt Shocked when reading!


Quote:
“Why do you always bring up my profession when I’ve asked a good question?”

He asked with a grin.

I think you hit new line in the wrong place here. There's another like this a bit later on too.

Quote:
had tried learned

Had tried to learn

Quote:
She had tried learned as much as possible from her father after her mother had succumbed to illness, as a way of not thinking about her grief, but after he had likewise passed on there was no one else in the village who cared to discuss ‘idle matters’ that had no relevance to spring planting or storing up for winter


Gah! Looong sentence!


Quote:
“Lock her in the east tower, the one without windows. The apothecary will be just outside the palace grounds, send someone to fetch him back immediately. And inform his highness of what has happened. Quickly!”

The men left, dragging the witch behind them, who was at no loss for curses to hurl at the young woman. After they had gone, Rachel hurriedl


You've had a sudden POV change here, which is a little confusing.

Quote:
The three made their way to the east wing of the castle, none speaking. The King was unsure what he felt, or was supposed to feel, under the circum


and another here.

An abrupt ending! I assume there is more? Smile


Anyway, apart from a few niggles as above, this is nicely written, and I enjoyed it for the most part. The only thing that broke it up for me a bit was the sudden changes in time and POV.

Anyway, I look forward to another installement.


Oh, and is this a SGame? If so you need a DP. If not, this should go in linear.

And welcome to IF.
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 09, 2009 7:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Nice.

I enjoy the twisted fairy tales.

Pretty good style, much more developed than most of our new writers. Thank God for people with good grammar and punctuation.

I look forward to reading more of this!
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 10, 2009 9:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'll be following this as well Smile

My only complaint is that you went through so much time so quickly, and let characters leave the story as fast as you made new ones. It's somewhat disorienting if we get to know Ingrid's dad in the first handful of paragraphs, and the next thing we know he's been dead for years and there are two essentially new characters, and then suddenly one of them is gone again and the one character we knew is put to sleep for an indeterminate amount of time. (on the other hand, this does get through a lot of background very quickly, which was presumably the intent.)

Keep in mind, though, that's my only complaint - very nice writing otherwise. F5 DMW's grammar and punctuation comment.

Also, though, what's with this witch? Does she randomly go into various kingdoms and poison the queen, or does she go around 'fixing' bad marriages with her spells? Maybe she has something against Ingrid in specific? Or perhaps she was a plot device at best and wasn't meant to be thought too much on? Very Happy
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 12, 2009 9:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yikes! I had no idea I made all those typos! I'll get on that and try to fix it before the next chapter.

Also, I meant for the desicion point to be what they all do now, but maybe it's too vague?

As for the background characters, Ingrid's dad is going to be a sort of absent presence in the rest of the story, and the witch is going to be explained and have more to do with what happens.

I guess I could make this a liner story, although that wasn't my intention. How do I do that?
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 12, 2009 9:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

If you wanted to make it a linear one, PM Smee or the moderator of New Storygames and ask them to move it to Linear Lane for you.

As for your twisted fairy tale, the "Ten Years Later" and the "Five Years Later" were very abrupt, I agree with Cren.

What you could have done is stretched out both timelines and wrote out the Mother's death, and the Father's demise, the meeting of Andrew, and the Prince's obvious deception to seek out his lady, and the winning of Ingrid.

Slow down. More detail. And if you want to keep it as an SG, then let's try a DP.

Obviously, the King isn't going to reveal the fact of what has just happened to the public, to save face. Have them go to some old seeress or even the witch herself and find the person who will wake her up?
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 12, 2009 9:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think the clues to this DP may be in the earlier parts of the chapter.

Ingrid loved fairytales as a child. After her father died, she was close to Andrew. We don't know what happened to him in the five years since the King arrived in the village that day disguised as a beggar. We don't know what business he had with the Lord of the Manor. But somehow she ended up as his queen.

We do know that in the intervening years the King fought a war she didn't approve of.

I believe the King can solve this riddle, but he'll have to swallow his pride in order to do it.

I say send someone to Ingrid's village and learn as much about her past up until the time he first met her.

Or he could go himself, in disguise again.


Welcome to IF, Grimmer.

This piece has a lot of potential as a storygame. I'd say keep at it. Smile
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 13, 2009 1:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alrighty, here's a shot as some possibilities for a choice:

'persuade' the witch to help

go see a seer/ess for a solution

send someone to find out about Ingrid

King goes again in disguise to find her 'real' true love.

How's that?
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 14, 2009 3:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's a good range of suggestions you have there.

Next step is to put up a poll with those suggestions so we can vote on what the King decides to do. You can do that by going back to the first post in this thread and using the 'edit' button. Smile
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 14, 2009 3:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alrighty, the poll is finished. How do I know when it's over?
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 14, 2009 10:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You can close your poll whenever you want. Let your poll run for about a week or so, and post a reminder on your thread 2-3 days before you close it.

To close your poll, scroll down to the bottom of the page, where you'll see a button that says 'View Results'.

Click on View Results every couple of days to see how many votes have been cast. When you've got enough votes, or when you're ready to close it, click on 'Close Poll'.

Smile
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 15, 2009 9:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the tip Very Happy
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 16, 2009 6:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Where were you when I was writing "Roslin Tales"? This is the same sort of twisted theme! Very nice. I like the overlay of stories.
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 20, 2009 4:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really like this so far. I enjoyed how you added the different stories in there, but I had a few problems. The quickly changing times really bugged me and I wanted to kn0ow more about her parents, Andrew, the witch, Rachel, and the King. You didn't give much info on anything, which is in my opinion a major drawback. It feels like you are going through it too fast. Slow down a bit and give time for the story to work out. Rushing through it so quickly to the climax (if that's what you'd like to call it) isn't a very good idea at all. These are just a few tips for the future. But still, I did like the story.
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Grimmer
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 22, 2009 6:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The first poll is now over. The option that got the most votes was sending someone to find out about Ingrid's past.
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snow tiger
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 05, 2010 5:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I haven't been on for a while or I would've definitely voted for the King to go in disguise and find out about her past himself. Oh the things i miss.
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