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zahark
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 Posted: Mon Aug 31, 2009 5:15 am Post subject: A Souless Nightmare |
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~ch. 1
The large crash of a dump truck woke me from my slumber. Still groggy, I thought it was my alarm clock, so I reached over and smacked the button (god I hated my alarm clock). I sat up and stretched trying to shake off the some of the sleepiness that still clung to me. I glanced at the clock; it read 10:30, HOLY CRAP! I was late.
I ran into the bathroom and fixed up my dark sand brown hair as best I could, and brushed my teeth. I ran back out into my room and threw on some pants a bra and a t-shirt. I grabbed some breakfast and my lunch money and hurried out the door.
Once outside, I slowed down a little and tried to refresh my memory of witch way school was (I have no sense of direction what so ever). I started heading north, the way my bus normally goes. It was quite peaceful out and my urgency was forgotten. I strolled by the park, now confident I was going the right was. I reached the more inner parts of the city and passed multiple shops and store each with tidy little alleyways on either side.
Something caught my eye as I was passing one of the alleys. I stood there for a couple minuets trying to discern what it was. Curious (as always) I checked to make sure no one was looking, and slipped into the cool shade of the ally. The thing at the end of the ally shifted slightly.
Suddenly and icy chill bit through my skin. I froze in shock, something that felt like fingers wrapped around my waste and snaked their way up my spine. I stood stock still. My breathing quickened as fear steeped into me. I was pulled forward until my body was molded against something hard and cold. It felt like a person but it was too cold to be a normal person. Something warm and wet moved against the base of my thought, eradicating and thoughts I had. What felt like a moth left a fevered trail up my neck to just under my jaw. My mind went blank and was swallowed by darkness.
The darkness shifted, and melted its self into terrible creatures, each new monster worse than the last.. They turned towards me, each pair of glowing red eyes piercing through my soul decimating any inkling of hope for anything I’d ever wanted to do in life. Leaving me with a desolate hollow numbness.
A blinding light dispelled the darkness, causing my eyes to flutter open. I was in a hospital bed, I could hear muffled voices and hospital noises outside.
My door opened with a protesting squeal, and closed with a sharp click. A familiar voice gave a startled gasp then rushed over. It was my long time friend ----------.
“Oh, your finally awake, are you alright, do you feel ok?” the questions poured out of her.
“Ok, ok, one at a time.” I said, my voice horse form not talking for so long. I cleared my thought. “I’m alright, I feel fine actually, but what happened and why am I in a hospital?”
“Well” she went on. “After school, I figured you were skipping of something ‘cause i hadn’t seen you all day. So, I was walking to your house when we saw you in the store district with some medics around you. You were face down on the side walk with a nasty bump on your head. I asked the medics what happened and they said it looked as if you tripped on the side walk and hit your head pretty hard and blacked out. You’ve been out for a couple hours. I tried calling your mom but I only got her answering machine, so I decided to stay here.
I touched my head and sure enough there was a bump, but I didn’t recall tripping. I tried to recall the events that occurred just a few hours ago, nothing. Nothing, but darkness.
Darkness….the memory came flooding back into me, battering my skull with various images. With the images, the memory of the horrid dream I had suffered though came back as well, leaving me with a numb nothingness. I felt sick. It was like all will to live had been wrenched out of me. Leaving a shell. A hollow shell. I had dreamed my last dream. Those who do not dream cannot hope, and those that can’t hope will never live.
------interrupted my musing, “Are you ok?’ you look…depressed, did I say something?”
dp
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this is my first sgame and im going to attempt to keep up (although i might be a little slow to update it) and sorry about the format.
any suggestions or names would be really helpful. i have a basic idea of where i want it to go.
mk so what should our character do next?
should she go after what ever it was that attacked her, should she tell her friend?.....its up to you guys.
_________________
And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you ~shadow of the day, linkin park
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I'm not crazy*, my reality is just different from yours.
*most of the time
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The White Blacksmith
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| Posted: Thu Sep 03, 2009 2:25 am Post subject: |
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I say she fobs her friend off with excuses and goes looking for whatever attacked her.
Also, soulless has two "l"s.
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Tea Cures All.
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zahark
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| Posted: Thu Sep 03, 2009 4:40 am Post subject: |
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I was thinking something along those lines.
I know i spelled it wrong, i spelled it like that on purpose, the title has more then one meaning. 
_________________
And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you ~shadow of the day, linkin park
-------------
I'm not crazy*, my reality is just different from yours.
*most of the time
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Fri Nov 06, 2009 11:53 am Post subject: |
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I really liked your first chapter, though I do think that you got into the drama a bit quick. It needed a bit more calm before the storm (sorry if I'm being to cryptic, but I can't think how else to put it).
If I was the main character, I wouldn't tell anyone anything until I had more proof of what had happened. I would also be too scared to go back to the alley to check it out, but that all depends on the bravery of the character. Is she the kind of person who could hold it together? Or would she fall to pieces?
I would say try to get more information about the attack before saying anything, particularly whether she was attacked by a human or something else (I know that it probably is something else, but she doesn't know that).
As for names, how about Amber, Aurora or Wren. Those are my three favourite names.
All in all, good start. 
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.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
 
 
  
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Tatkret Sos
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| Posted: Sat Nov 14, 2009 3:44 am Post subject: |
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That was a really god start to the story. I definatly want to read on! The part where she was being attacked was very detail and descriptive I could almost feel it too! I think she should tell her friend, see if she will believe her. The worst that could hapen is she could just say it was a dream and forget about it. But, if she believed her they could both go after it together!  I thoroughly enjoyed it! Well done! 
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Amichan
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| Posted: Sat Nov 14, 2009 10:17 am Post subject: |
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Over all this isn't bad start . there are some spelling errors that could use getting cleaned up as well as some that are spelled differently than what you meant in the sentence. there are some punctuation issues as well. As for you DP Your character needs to try and remember those events carefully and clearly. that mental refreshment can unlock some details on what happened
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sat Nov 14, 2009 2:24 pm Post subject: |
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You have some moments of descriptive brilliance in there. I particularly liked: | Quote: | | What felt like a moth left a fevered trail up my neck to just under my jaw. |
But you rush through so much that needed yet further description: | Quote: | | The darkness shifted, and melted its self into terrible creatures, each new monster worse than the last.. They turned towards me, each pair of glowing red eyes piercing through my soul decimating any inkling of hope for anything I’d ever wanted to do in life. Leaving me with a desolate hollow numbness. |
I also felt that the most glaring thing about this chapter was, as Kang mentioned, some severe spelling errors that forced the reader to really infer what you meant by some of your sentences.
Additionally, I did feel you needed to slow down and take your time with getting into the story. But, that said, at least, as far as an opener goes, you did succeed in writing something that creates interest in continuing to read on, and sometimes, that's the greatest challenge of all.
As for the DP, I say she doubts her own experience enough to think her friend would probably consider her a lunatic if she spilled all. Additionally, she can't seem to sort out exactly what happened, so she should seek out the aid of a hypno-therapist.
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 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
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zahark
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| Posted: Wed Jan 20, 2010 8:26 am Post subject: |
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wow i didnt realize that i got more comments sorry for not being able to get ion i hope to continue this later
_________________
And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you ~shadow of the day, linkin park
-------------
I'm not crazy*, my reality is just different from yours.
*most of the time
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scissorkitty
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| Posted: Thu Jan 21, 2010 11:27 am Post subject: |
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HMM.. i like the idea of this.. and I hope I'm not the only one who got to the dramatic moment in the alley and thought, "Dear god, please no more vampires!". hehehe. So, thanks for that!
Again- spelling, punctuation, slow down etc... this is an excellent start!
Hmm. Usually you want to outline a few more obvious paths for your characters to choose along for a DP.. but I'm really guilty of leaving it all to the wind too, so I can't comment much on that one!
I think our protagonist here will want to check herself out in a mirror- looking for neck marks, soulless eyes, claw marks or whatever.. clues as to what/who her attacker was.
For the friend? I think our main character will try and foist her off with a series of quick questions about what she missed at school, blah blah blah.
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Crunchyfrog
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| Posted: Mon Mar 08, 2010 2:16 am Post subject: |
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Hey there Zahark, I've only just got around to this one, and hope that you keep it up.
I did find the pace a little rushed from one scene to the next - we've had an event that has landed the MC in hospital in less than 1000 words - but still there were some very good pieces that added to the atmosphere ...an icy chill bit through my skin and something that felt like fingers wrapped around my waste and snaked their way up my spine. - particularly good IMO.
I think that she should definitely spill the beans to her friend, but whether her friend believes her or not is another question.
Hope to see more of this soon.
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Sun Aug 29, 2010 6:24 am Post subject: |
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Hi!!!
Nice start!!!!
Woah! you surely could slow down!!!My head's spinning!!!!
Apart from the spellings and the speed, i enjoyed it a lot!!!
i think she should tell her friend what happened. If her friend accompanies her to the scene of attack(which, i think should happen to keep readers interested), you could leave some clues out there like footprints. If
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Sat Sep 04, 2010 5:50 am Post subject: |
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| WHAT'S GOING ON IS THERE GONNA BE A POLL OR NOT?
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Vikas Muralidharan
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| Posted: Sun Sep 05, 2010 2:30 am Post subject: |
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Almost the same feedback every1 else gave.... slow down, spelling and all
but great start all the same but give your characters names okay? makes it easier for us readers. Anyways i think she should DEFINITELY tell her friend.... it will make the story much more interesting if 2 girls go around looking for vampires  ! but make sure not to make it something like Nancy drew or sumthng.... its awesum in your own unique style! 
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