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Vishal Muralidharan
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 Posted: Sun Sep 05, 2010 3:03 am Post subject: Electrified! : Prologue |
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Dwayne threw his coat off and yawned. He hadn't felt this tired in years. Thinking about the developments in his clan, he smiled. The whole Tyroid clan depended on him. He was tall, strong amd flexible, and he could win battles single-handedly. Smiling, he threw himself on the bed and shut his eyes.
A solitary chopper was hovering in the skies, waiting for the time to launch onto its prey. The target was identified 15 minutes ago, and it was 13 minutes since he had gone to bed. "Now" said a voice inside the plane, And a man dropped onto the buildings roof, working his way downstairs.
Dwayne felt the weather getting warmer. 'Funny' he thought, with is eyes still shut. Its the night, its supposed to get colder. The steady increase in temperature woke him up, and he was staring at the eyes of a person who wasn't welcome at all.
'He's awake' the man thought. 'Now it will be fun'. He took out his knife and made a deep cut in his victims throat. ' Let him die slowly'.
3 rooms away, His father's scream woke Luke up.
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sun Sep 05, 2010 6:49 am Post subject: |
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Hmm... the terms 'clan' and 'chopper' create in interesting anachronistic feel to this so far, generating some curiosity. The scene is a bit short, but then, I suppose its just supposed to be a prologue to generate a rapid spark of interest, and in this, it does achieve that goal.
Nevertheless, I would still look at the first paragraph there and consider breaking it up into a couple more. There's a lot of ideas tossed into one paragraph and maybe expanding a little on what it is you're trying to refer to a bit more could be a bit more artful.
Then again, as a whole, there's certainly something inviting about such a short and sweet snippet... definately not intimidating in its length (a problem I always struggle with myself).
_________________
      
 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
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Vishal Muralidharan
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| Posted: Thu Sep 09, 2010 5:44 am Post subject: |
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Well, yes i did intend to keep it short. And Thanks for finding it intersting and inviting!!
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