 |
 |
 |
 |
|
| Author |
Message |
Redeye
Visitor
Joined: 10 Oct 2010
Topics: 1
Posts: 1
Location: classified
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
 Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2010 9:28 pm Post subject: The night to hell |
 |
|
The child sat in his room aged eleven, His farther had just beated him -again- and put a scar over his eye, The blood oozed from the tip of his brow and his Left eye felt horrible, little did he know that at the tip of his eye was wide open, bones, blood, everything to make someone puke was right there. He whimpered slightly and heard feet thumping outside the door. He quickly turned off the light and opened the window, then hid in the darkest spot.
The door opened slowly, there was a woman, about the age of 34 and and had grey hair, she was wrinkled and look like a witch, it was her mother and she had the worst grin on her face, she cackled as she saw the window open.
"HA! that little fuck has left finally, i was at the urge to take him to the orphanage, she slammed the door shut and the light clicked on. the child jumped under the bed just in time.
"come out, come out, where ever you are" a voice cackled as it got closer to the bed, the child whimpered slightly and look around for something to defend him off, he had a lot of pointy things in his room after he slits his wrist, so he can feel at-least one emotion, he squinted his eyes further and saw a sharp rock that could knock out a ship. He grabbed it and waited until she was here. A hand flew under the bed and snatched him out into the real world, The child took a deep breath and threw the rock as hard as he could at the mother. She screamed and yelled like she was that witch from the wizard of oz who was melting, and fell to the ground, The child jumped over her and ran to his Nike bag, then filled it up with clothes, he grabbed a tissue and held it over his eye, then jumped out of the window. He ran as fast as he could and heard yelling and a car start up, He Jumped over a huge Log and smashed into something that made his hand from his shoulder to wrist split open and bleed over his whole arm.
He didn't realized it until all the noises were gone and was sitting near a river bank, He grabbed a tissue and some vinegar and sugar from his bag and with shaking hands, tipped everything over the cut and quickly wrapped it with tissues.
he half screamed in pain but then shut his mouth. He heard noises like a car speeding down a highway.
He jumped up and turned around to find a wheat field at least 16 feet high, it was as long as a oval and it was dark brown, he looked at that he was wearing and wore a black jumper, with black jeans and pale skin, his left eye started hurting again when the car got closer. He Jumped into the field and ran to the middle and sat down and started crying, He looked over to his side and saw a piece of broken glass on the ground and picked it up, he checked his face in the mirror, and his heart froze, everything around him stopped, the sound around him vanished, and only he was moving.
His left eye was red.
_________________
Dont piss me off, you may see the DARKER side of me...>
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Smee
Revered IFian
Joined: 16 Oct 2004
Topics: 166
Posts: 5215
Location: UK
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2010 12:06 am Post subject: |
|
|
Hey Redeye, welcome to the City 
Interesting start to a story here. I need to get some official stuff out the way first, then we can look to the actual writing.
As this is a family friendly website, could you please add a warning to the top of the story, it does contain some quite graphic details, along with some swear words. You can get more details about warnings from here. On the same basis, please replace/remove the swearing from your signature.
~
Ok...
You certainly have put some effort into describing some rather gruesome injuries, and events. Definitely a harsh time for such a young boy.
Your word choices, and sentence structure at times makes it hard to follow what you mean, but the overall impression is very strongly expressed. In general your grammar needs some work.
Ignoring that for now, some parts of the story struck me as odd, and because such oddities break a reader away from the story, and away from the immersion of the atmosphere you work to create, I thought I should mention some of them to give you and idea what I mean :
| Quote: | | there was a woman, about the age of 34 and and had grey hair, she was wrinkled and look like a witch, it was her mother |
At first the comment 'about the age of 34' struck me. 34 is a very precise number, and 'about' would suggest a rougher guess. "In her early mid thirties" gives a similar impression of age, without being too precise.
I went on reading, and then all the details about grey hair, witch-like wrinkles appeared. All seemed very strange on a 34 year old. How she can seem 34 and at the same time appear like that confused me.
~
The second part that really made me squint in confusion was the 'vinegar and sugar' he pulled from his bag to treat his injuries. They seem rather odd items to have packed in a hurry before jumping out the window. Perhaps if they were mentioned during the packing it wouldn't see so odd, although saying that I've never heard of sugar being using for injuries (but I'm not medic, so I could be wrong).
~
No decision point that I can see, so I'll leave it there for now, and I'll look out for chapter 1 appearing to see where this goes.
Happy Writing
P.S 16ft Wheat seems rather tall to me too, but again I'm not an expert here, perhaps it does grow that big.
_________________
The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic Herd!
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Thunderbird
Elder
Joined: 13 Sep 2009
Topics: 104
Posts: 2139
Location: Rising from the ashes
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2010 2:28 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I'll let Smee take the critique on this one as there were lots of little niggles to mention. But as a first chapter from a new author... I thought otherwise it was quite interesting. Hoping to see more!
_________________
      
 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Author |
Message |
Vikas Muralidharan
Respected Citizen
Joined: 29 Aug 2010
Topics: 30
Posts: 600
Items
Legends
Fables
Strata-gems
|
| Posted: Tue Oct 12, 2010 7:58 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Wlecome to IF!, Redeye.
Like Smee said, GRAMMAR!!!!!
The scene is probably very clear to you but you need to put it out in the proper grammar and in the right structure for your readers to get it right. But Overall, a good effort for a first chapter! But do make sure to improve your grammar. That's the only niggling bit about this SG.... 
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
