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kc9cra
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 Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2011 6:32 am Post subject: Brother Badguy |
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One Sunday morning, a huge convoy of vehicles left Franklin Church of Christ in central Indiana near Indianapolis. It consisted of personal vehicles loaded down with belongings and large trucks pulling trailers full of supplies.
In Orange County, an hour and a half away, the fence had already been built, but there were only a few mobile homes set-up around the rundown barn in the middle of the property. That was a year ago. Now there were more homes, and the barn had been remodeled.
Brother Bob Gardener was in the barn which functioned as a church. He had no office, he simply conducted the business of running the small community from the sanctuary. He sat at a desk in the corner with a telephone and a 2way radio situated atop it among the random papers and office supplies scattered throughout the surface. Brother Bob wasn't a neatfreak.
A voice came over the radio "Hey Bob, I have more wire than I need for this hole, do you think we'll need it for anything else?"
Right now the community was still small, so Bob didn't see any need for a complicated numbering system. Joe Stocker, one of the men doing work on the fence surrounding the compound, was simply called Joe over the radio. Bob picked up the handheld mic which had been laying in the mess on his desk.
"No, not right now Joe," he said, "I think we've fixed all of it."
At that moment the phone rang, the sound reverberating off of the walls of the large room.
There was no formal greeting. Brother Bob simply said, "Hello,"
"I think I'm ready to do it," said a female voice on the other end.
It was Mary Scott. She sounded upset.
"What's wrong Mary?" asked Bob, concerned.
"They just sent Megan to the Lowell Center," said Mary.
"Oh no, what for."
"She said something at school about how I locked her in her room last weekend because she wanted to go to that party, and she wanted to kill herself because she was afraid to come home."
Bob knew Mary. She may have made Megan, her oldest daughter stay home, but there was no lock on her bedroom door. This was one of Mary's requirements for both of her daughters.
"I'm so sorry. Have they told you anything about what's going to happen to her?"
"Well, one of the doctors out there is real nice. She says Megan's just a rebellious teenager, and they kept her for as long as they needed to. She says she's not mentally ill, but she wants to get together with me and a social worker to talk about my parenting. She says maybe we can figure out a way to make things more peaceful between me and Megan."
"Which means being leniant."
"Yeah, and I don't want to do that."
Mary was beginning to cry, and Bob attempted to comfort her, "It's okay Mary, it's okay. The lord is with you. You're not alone here. I have one empty trailer. It's just right for you and the kids."
"Well, like I said, I'm about ready. Do you think I have to tell the school anything or these doctors?"
"Have they released Her yet?"
"Yes, they couldn't hold her, so they released her to me."
"Well, I would suggest not going to the meeting, how ready are you?"
"I didn't know how ready you were, so I haven't done anything."
"Okay, did they set up an appointment for this little meeting?"
"No, I told the doctor I had to see when I could do it, and I'd call her back."
"Well, call her back just to be honest, but decline the appointment. I would suggest that you do this right before you pull out of the driveway to come here."
Bob's son, Nathan walked in to the barn. He noticed his dad on the phone, but he said quietly and urgently, "You need to see this!" he had his iphone in his hand and tried to present it to Bob. He shewed him away as he continued discussing the situation with Mary. "No, Dad they're trying to say we're raping people!"
Bob didn't hear this last part.
"You'll want to pack your things. What about the house?" he said in to the phone.
"I don't know what to do about it," said Mary, "I still owe on it."
Brother Bob, always calm replied, "Don't worry, you can sell the house. There are realty companies who will buy it. They don't give you much for it, but you don't need to worry about that, because you won't need to buy another house."
"I can go ahead and move now though, right?"
"Of course,"
"Okay, well what do you think I should do about the hospital?"
"Just give them some notice that you're leaving. It doesn't have to be two weeks, just let them know as soon as you get off the phone with me. You'll also want to take your money out of the bank and close the accounts. Sometimes, when people do this, their family gets concerned and tries to freeze the accounts."
"There's a bank down there I can use, right?"
"Yes, the town of Paoli isn't far away, and they have a bank."
Mary was calmer now. She planned to pack and move in the next two weeks, and Bob agreed to have the trailer ready for her. He hung-up the phone and turned to his son.
"What is it?" he asked.
Nathan held up the iphone again. "Dad, they said you're raping people, look!"
Bob saw a website for the newspaper in Franklin. Nathan clicked on a link that said, "Cult formed in Franklin thriving in southern IN."
A video appeared on the screen from a tv station out of Indianapolis.
Franklin Church of Christ appeared.
"A year ago next Monday, Brother Bob Gardener, plagued by paranoid delusions, took a group of worshipors with him to a remote compound near Paoli, Indiana, about eighty miles away."
The video continued to show people who had refused to move talking about the news and how it had scared brother Bob and how he thought they needed to get away from society to protect their families and children from the harmful influences of modern life.
The anchorwoman spoke of rumors that child marriages were taking place and that Bob fed drugs to his flock to keep them manageable.
At one point a doctor from the state mental hospital spoke about Brother Bob's supposed mental state. He made assumptions that Bob was suffering from paranoia and possibly even psychosis. References were made to the Unibomber who was paranoid schyzophrenic.
When the video ended, Bob sat for a moment trying to keep from being angry. That would only cloud his thoughts, and he had to think now. Of course, it was all a big pile of bologna. There were no child marriages in their little compound. It was simply a safe haven. Mary worked as an er nurse, but was willing to find a job in this rural area in order to raise her two daughters in a better environment.
"So what do we do Dad?" asked Nathan, still standing there.
Last edited by kc9cra on Tue Sep 06, 2011 5:13 pm; edited 6 times in total
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Muaddib
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| Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2011 6:35 am Post subject: |
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| Interesting. Needs editing and a decision point though. Welcome to IF!
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Vikas Muralidharan
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| Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2011 7:26 am Post subject: |
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Ugh.
I came in here to see what you had to offer but got discouraged after seeing a huge wall of text. Its okay. I did the same thing with my first SG. Try editing it and adding a few spaces in between the paragraphs. Id be more than happy to read through it once that's done... or I'll just read it later when Im dreadfully bored.
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Tikanni Corazon
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| Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2011 10:32 am Post subject: |
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Hey kc9cra, and welcome to IF! 
I've read through your first chappie, and it's a good start, with an interesting storyline that we're plunging straight into. But yes, the others are right. The bunched up text is very hard to read, and needs spacing out. Here's a piece of your SG as an example...
A voice came over the radio.
"Hey Bob, I have more wire than I need for this hole, do you think we'll need it for anything else?"
Right now the community was still small, so Bob didn't see any need for a complicated numbering system. Joe Stocker, one of the men doing work on the fence surrounding the compound, was simply called Joe over the radio. Bob picked up the handheld mic which had been laying in the mess on his desk.
"No, not right now Joe," he said, "I think we've fixed all of it."
At that moment the phone rang, the sound reverberating off of the walls of the large room. There was no formal greeting. Brother Bob simply said, "Hello."
"I think I'm ready to do it," said a female voice on the other end.
It was Mary Scott. She sounded upset.
"What's wrong Mary?" asked Bob, concerned.
"They just sent Megan to the Lowell Center," said Mary.
"Oh no, what for."
"She said something at school about how I locked her in her room last weekend because she wanted to go to that party, and she wanted to kill herself because she was afraid to come home."
Bob knew Mary. She may have made Megan, her oldest daughter stay home, but there was no lock on her bedroom door. This was one of Mary's requirements for both of her daughters.
"I'm so sorry. Have they told you anything about what's going to happen to her?"
Like this, it is far easier to read, and will draw more readers. A space and a new line for each line of dialogue, and two spaces between new paragraphs is ideal. Everyone has done it though, hun, so don't worry about it too much. Just keep it in mind for your future chapters.
As for Father Bob's plan of action...I guess there are two possibilities. He either ignores the whole thing, and doesn't give the news people the satisfaction of seeing him rise to their baiting. Or he can offer to give an interview to the press, stating the true reasons for moving people out to the compound, to give them a safe haven.
A promising start, kc (hope it's okay to call you that)! Keep up the good work, and don't be discouraged by the comments about the text layout. It's a very small thing, and merely helps the rest of us to make the most of your storytelling. It's not at all a reflection of your writing talents. Hope to read more soon!
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.... there is no religion without love, and people may talk as much as they like about their religion, but if it does not teach them to be good and kind to man and beast, it is all a sham....
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell, 1887
 
 
  
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2011 3:11 pm Post subject: |
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Welcome to the Speed Sgame forum 9Cra.
As mentioned above, you need to take a serious look at the formatting here. Spaces between paras and people speaking is the norm online, to make reading easier.
Once you've done that I'll come back and check it out.
Please remember that this is a Speed SGame area. Chapters need to be posted at least once every seven days, or the story shall be moved to the snail forums.
And welcome to IF. 
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My Amazon page.
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Muaddib
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| Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2011 7:18 pm Post subject: |
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Alright, as promised I'll do a run through and point out errors or things that could have been done better. I'm not sure how your reader works exactly but I'll put a (paragraph) where I feel a paragraph should end and a (line feed) where I feel you should leave a line empty. Keep in mind that a (paragraph) indicates that you should leave the next line empty as well.
| Quote: | One Sunday morning, a huge convoy of vehicles left Franklin Church of Christ in central Indiana near Indianapolis. It consisted of personal vehicles loaded down with belongings and large trucks pulling trailers full of supplies. (paragraph)
In Orange County, an hour and a half away, the fence had already been built, but there were only a few mobile homes set-up around the rundown barn in the middle of the property. That was a year ago. Now there were more homes, and the barn had been remodeled. (paragraph)
Brother Bob Gardener was in the barn which functioned as a church. He had no office, he simply conducted the business of running the small community from the sanctuary. He sat at a desk in the corner with a telephone and a 2way radio situated atop it among the random papers and office supplies scattered throughout the surface. Brother Bob wasn't a neatfreak.(paragraph)
A voice came over the radio "Hey Bob, I have more wire than I need for this hole, do you think we'll need it for anything else?"(line feed)
Right now the community was still small, so Bob didn't see any need for a complicated numbering system. Joe Stocker, one of the men doing work on the fence surrounding the compound, was simply called Joe over the radio. Bob picked up the handheld mic which had been laying in the mess on his desk. (paragraph)
"No, not right now Joe," he said, "I think we've fixed all of it."(line feed)
At that moment the phone rang, the sound reverberating off of the walls of the large room.(line feed)
There was no formal greeting. Brother Bob simply said, "Hello(full stop)"(line feed)
"I think I'm ready to do it," said a female voice on the other end. (line feed)
It was Mary Scott. She sounded upset. (line feed)
"What's wrong Mary?" asked Bob, concerned. (line feed)
"They just sent Megan to the Lowell Center," said Mary.(line feed)
"Oh no, what for."(line feed)
"She said something at school about how I locked her in her room last weekend because she wanted to go to that party, and she wanted to kill herself because she was afraid to come home."(line feed)
Bob knew Mary. She may have made Megan, her oldest daughter stay home, but there was no lock on her bedroom door. This was one of Mary's requirements for both of her daughters. ((paragraph)
"I'm so sorry. Have they told you anything about what's going to happen to her?"(line feed)
"Well, one of the doctors out there is real nice. She says Megan's just a rebellious teenager, and they kept her for as long as they needed to. She says she's not mentally ill, but she wants to get together with me and a social worker to talk about my parenting. She says maybe we can figure out a way to make things more peaceful between me and Megan." (line feed)
"Which means being (spelling error)lenient."(line feed)
"Yeah, and I don't want to do that."(line feed)
Mary was beginning to cry, and Bob attempted to comfort her, "It's okay Mary, it's okay. The lord is with you. You're not alone here. I have one empty trailer. It's just right for you and the kids."(line feed)
"Well, like I said, I'm about ready. Do you think I have to tell the school anything or these doctors?"(line feed)
"Have they released Her yet?" (line feed)
"Yes, they couldn't hold her, so they released her to me." (line feed)
"Well, I would suggest not going to the meeting, how ready are you?" (line feed)
"I didn't know how ready you were, so I haven't done anything."(line feed)
"Okay, did they set up an appointment for this little meeting?" (line feed)
"No, I told the doctor I had to see when I could do it, and I'd call her back."(line feed)
"Well, call her back just to be honest, but decline the appointment. I would suggest that you do this right before you pull out of the driveway to come here." (line feed)
Bob's son, Nathan walked in to the barn. He noticed his dad on the phone, but he said quietly and urgently, "You need to see this!" he had his iphone in his hand and tried to present it to Bob.(line feed)
He (spelling error) shooed him away as he continued discussing the situation with Mary. "No, Dad they're trying to say we're raping people!"(line feed)
Bob didn't hear this last part. "You'll want to pack your things. What about the house?" he said in to the phone. (line feed)
"I don't know what to do about it," said Mary, "I still owe on it."(line feed)
Brother Bob, always calm replied, "Don't worry, you can sell the house. There are realty companies who will buy it. They don't give you much for it, but you don't need to worry about that, because you won't need to buy another house."(line feed)
"I can go ahead and move now though, right?"(line feed)
"Of course,"(line feed)
"Okay, well what do you think I should do about the hospital?"(line feed)
"Just give them some notice that you're leaving. It doesn't have to be two weeks, just let them know as soon as you get off the phone with me. You'll also want to take your money out of the bank and close the accounts. Sometimes, when people do this, their family gets concerned and tries to freeze the accounts."(paragraph)
"There's a bank down there I can use, right?"(line feed)
"Yes, the town of Paoli isn't far away, and they have a bank."(line feed)
Mary was calmer now. She planned to pack and move in the next two weeks, and Bob agreed to have the trailer ready for her. He hung-up the phone and turned to his son.(line feed)
"What is it?" he asked.(line feed)
Nathan held up the iphone again. "Dad, they said you're raping people, look!"
Bob saw a website for the newspaper in Franklin. Nathan clicked on a link that said, "Cult formed in Franklin thriving in southern IN."
A video appeared on the screen from a tv station out of Indianapolis.
Franklin Church of Christ appeared. "A year ago next Monday, Brother Bob Gardener, plagued by paranoid (spelling error) delusions, took a group of (spelling error)worshipers with him to a remote compound near Paoli, Indiana, about eighty miles away."
The video continued to show people who had refused to move talking about the news and how it had scared brother Bob and how he thought they needed to get away from society to protect their families and children from the harmful influences of modern life.(paragraph)
The anchorwoman spoke of rumors that child marriages were taking place and that Bob fed drugs to his flock to keep them manageable.
At one point a doctor from the state mental hospital spoke about Brother Bob's supposed mental state. He made assumptions that Bob was suffering from paranoia and possibly even psychosis. References were made to the (first letter capitalized) Unibomber who was paranoid (spelling error)schizophrenic.(paragraph)
When the video ended, Bob sat for a moment trying to keep from being angry. That would only cloud his thoughts, and he had to think now. Of course, it was all a big pile of bologna. There were no child marriages in their little compound. It was simply a safe haven. Mary worked as an er nurse, but was willing to find a job in this rural area in order to raise her two daughters in a better environment.(paragraph)
"So what do we do Dad?" asked Nathan, still standing there.
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So just to reiterate, remember to leave a line after every paragraph and I also recommend leaving a line after every piece of dialogue.
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Vikas Muralidharan
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| Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2011 5:03 am Post subject: |
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Welcome to IF, kc9cra!!
I just read thorugh it and frankly, Muaddib has told you everything you would want to know as feedback. I just want to say that though you have edited the chapter and put in a few spaces, it still tends to get a bit messy here:
| Quote: | "I'm so sorry. Have they told you anything about what's going to happen to her?"
"Well, one of the doctors out there is real nice. She says Megan's just a rebellious teenager, and they kept her for as long as they needed to. She says she's not mentally ill, but she wants to get together with me and a social worker to talk about my parenting. She says maybe we can figure out a way to make things more peaceful between me and Megan."
"Which means being leaniant."
"Yeah, and I don't want to do that."
Mary was beginning to cry, and Bob attempted to comfort her, "It's okay Mary, it's okay. The lord is with you. You're not alone here. I have one empty trailer. It's just right for you and the kids."
"Well, like I said, I'm about ready. Do you think I have to tell the school anything or these doctors?"
"Have they released Her yet?"
"Yes, they couldn't hold her, so they released her to me."
"Well, I would suggest not going to the meeting, how ready are you?"
"I didn't know how ready you were, so I haven't done anything."
"Okay, did they set up an appointment for this little meeting?"
"No, I told the doctor I had to see when I could do it, and I'd call her back."
"Well, call her back just to be honest, but decline the appointment. I would suggest that you do this right before you pull out of the driveway to come here." |
Try to hit the return button TWICE if you want each dialogue in a new line, like Tikki has shown you...
Anyway, this story could easily be an amazing read and these experiences are something I can relate to (Since false allegations happen quite often in my part of the world). I cant see any option though... Wither we deny the allegations through a "press release" or something or we could file a defamation suit in the courts.
Anyway, I'll be following this story...
Cheers!!
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kc9cra
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| Posted: Sat Sep 10, 2011 10:00 pm Post subject: chapter 2 |
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Well, noone voted, so the choice is mine.
Bob was happy he had decided to call the news station in Indianapolis. Nathan had used his iphhone to research the story and found the young woman who had written it.
Her name was Jessica Nater. She was a medium height young professional woman in her mid twenties. She had spoken to Bob over the phone twice before suggesting she bring a film crew to the compound to do a follow-up. Being new to the station, Jessica was happy to get this inside look at the religious group that had caused so much controversy.
After touring the compound, Jessica came in to the sanctuary to speak one on one with Bob on camera. He had insisted she only call him Bob. Noone who lived in the compound refered to him as any more than an equal. He did hold a position of authority over the group, but he insisted that even though that was true, he was not above them.
She began by asking, "So Bob, how did your flock react when the story about your church aired?"
Bob sat in his usual chair. Another one had been brought in so Jessica could sit across the desk from him.
He answered, "Well, most of them didn't see it."
"Why is that?"
"Well, the tv station doesn't reach all the way down here."
"Don't they have internet access?"
"No."
"Do you think it would make your flock harder to control if they had access to something like the internet?"
Bob was starting to get an inkling that this wasn't a chance for him to set streight the misconceptions about him that had been accidentally published before, but a way of piling on the dirt by taking things he said out of context. He wasn't sure though, so he simply answered openly, "No, not at all. It's just not something I thought was important enough to spend money on right now. In the future maybe, but right now, we still have some work to do on the property, and I want to get a couple more used mobile homes in case we bring in some new members."
"That sounds reasonable, but you said you plan on adding to the commmunity, how do you plan to bring in new members?"
"Well, I already have a lady and her two daughters moving from Franklin, and I feel like more people from the church back home might want to join us."
"So is this place exclusive?"
"No, as long as you agree with our philosophy and are willing to cooperate with the way we do things here, we'll accept you."
"That's very interesting, now by "the way we do things" what do you mean by that?"
This was obvious. Bob wondered why she'd even give him a chance to save himself but that gave him all the more reason to plunge ahead, so he did, "I mean we all have to work with each other."
"Well, what I mean is, would you expect a new member to sign something? What would someone's first day here be like?"
"Well, they do sign something, but it's pretty general. If I have space for someone, I can see if they might be fit to live here. I haven't really had that happen."
"I see, so what about rules?"
"Well, we all try to live our lives by what the bible says here. That's the whole reason we live here."
Bob had discussed the reason behind moving to Orange County before the interview. Jessica brought this up, "Now, I know we talked about this earlier, but Why don't you tell the people watching, why are you here? Why move all the way out here?"
"We all decided that the world has just become too harsh on christions and that living a life that is pleasing to God has become pretty difficult, so we set up this big family to help us live better."
"Do you believe the rapture is coming?"
"Of course, the bible says it is."
"Is that part of the reason for your flock moving here? Are you trying to purify yourselves in order to be ready?"
"No, the bible says we no not the day nor the hour, and it's really between each person and God where they stand. Yes, I believe the rapture could be soon. It could be today, but it could also not come for another thousand years, so no this church has nothing to do with preparing for the lord to come back."
"I see, well does everybody agree on things such as marriage and homosexuality , what is the basic moral structure around here?"
"Well, as far as homosexuality goes, I think I can say without taking a big risk that everybody here is against it and that marriage is between one man and one woman. We all think we should do what's right the way the bible says."
"What if someone doesn't think the way you do? Are there ever disagreements?"
"Oh yes, we normally get together and talk about it. Usually, it's just a misunderstanding, or whoever's involved just decided that even though they maynot agree with what I or the others who help run the church here, they'll at least cooperate with us."
"Has anyone ever refused to cooperate?"
"No."
"What would happen then?"
"Well, if they wanted to, they could always leave. I make it clear, if you want to live here, you have to cooperate, if you don't agree with how we do it, go do your own thing or find people who agree with you."
Jessica looked at her watch and said, "Well Bob, we're almost out of time, so I want to cover some of thethings that we reported three days ago. What about the drugs?"
This was a different tac. Jessica was going right for the topics she wanted incriminating dirt on instead of dancing around them as she had done previously. Bob was glad, he wanted to confront these problems directly.
"we don't drug anyone here."
"so you don't drug the people here to make them dossile?"
"No."
"Well, what about medicine, there are some christions who believe it's a sin to trust conventional medicine, do you subscribe to that particular belief?"
"No, I don't. I guess if someone here really thought that way, and I couldn't change their mind, I guess we'd all just deal with it."
"how?"
"How would we deal with it?"
"Yeah, you said you'd "deal with it"."
"Well, if I couldn't convince that person to change their mind, we'd just leave them alone. They think one way, we think another, as long as they're cooperative, we don't do anything."
"How do you feel about poligomy?"
"Wel, Jesus said a man should take for himself but one wife."
"How old do you think a girl should be before she gets married?"
"I think it depends on the person. Most girls today aren't mature enough to marry for many years if you ask me."
"So have you been performing marriages between older men and young girls?"
"No ma'am. I haven't done a wedding since we came here. I guess if a young girl wanted to get married, I'd have to talk to her parents, but I would never marry somebody real young. That wouldn't be right."
"Do you believe people are trying to hurt you?"
This question surprised Bob, but a question's a question, so he answered, "Some people might be, but I haven't gotten any threats."
"Well Bob, you've been accused of having a mental illness, so just to give something to the doctors at the hospital in Indie, I want to ask you some questions that might sound sort of silly. Do you know what day it is?"
"Yes, today is Saturday."
"and the date."
"It's August the twenty eighth."
"Okay, can you tell me your name please?"
"My name is Robert Andrew Gardener."
Bob now understood about the questions about people hurting himm. They wanted to know if he was in his right mind.
She continued, "Okay Mr. Gardener, can you tell me your date of birth?"
"It's July eighth, nineteen sixty five."
"So that would make you, forty five?"
"No, forty six this year."
"So you're a rather young minister. What's that like?"
"Well, my dad was a preacher, so I grew up with it."
"I see, well do you know who the current president is?"
"I think it's Obama, isn't it?"
"Yes, that's his name, who was the last president?"
"It was Bush."
"Which one?"
"Bush junior, his dad was the president back in the nineties."
"Okay, very good sir, I'll be in touch, but I must be going. It was very nice to meet you and your flock."
"Thank you for giving me a chance to tell my side."
"No prob Bob, that's what I'm here for."
Jessica and her crew left, and Bob continued about his business. Tomorrow was Sunday. The community gathered for a worship service in the barn, and some members of the congregation prepared a meal for afterward.
It was the middle of the next week when Nathan came to him with his iphone.
"Dad they did it again!"
He showed Bob the phone where a video was loading.
Jessica appeared standing outside the barn. Behind her, several kids were doing yard work. The scene was a backdrop. when she spoke, it was dubbed, so her lips never moved.
"Last week, we reported to you about the dangerous cult thriving in rural southern Indiana. Now, we go inside for a closer look."
The scene cut to a clip of Jessica and her film crew pulling up to the northern gate of the compound where guards stopped her. ONe of them was at the driver's window talking to Jessica who was driving the station's van.
The dubbed speech continued, "Armed guards met me as I entered the compound. When asked why the guns were necissary, the guard gave me a vague answer.
The audio from the clip was patched through, "It's just to protect ourselves in case there's trouble."
The scene changed back to the church with the kids working on the yard.
"Once inside, I noticed my meager surroundings. The people here live in trailer homes anchored to cinderblocks. Many of them live two or three to a trailer. In the beginning, the only running water was in a select few homes, so they were left empty, so the residents could use them for showering and a bathroom. One thing is clear though, these people are fond of their leader."
A clip showed of Gladys Mccaren holding her poodle, Otis in her arms. "he's a very nice man," she said, "he's just so close to God. You can tell, he's got the holy spirit in him."
"Gladys Mccaren, a resident of the compound, says Bob Gardener, is a kind, compassionate man.
Another clip was shown, "he loves all of us," Gladys said. Otis sniffed at the wireless lapel mic clipped to her blouse.
"Doctors at the state mental hospital here in Indie say that kind of unconditional devotion is common in cults like this one."
A clip showed of a man wearing the signature white coat of a doctor in an office. "All though this man seems very deranged, he is also very convincing, and I'm sure he has these people eating out of the palm of his hand by now.""In the late seventies, a man originally from right here in Indiana lead a cult in South Africa where hundreds of people voluntarily killed themselves at the behest of their leader. Some even went as far as to give coolade laced with poison to their children. Also, in the early nineties, a group of religious extremists were involved in a stand-off with police in Wako, Texas during wich many of them died in a fire that the group's leader later blamed on federal authorities. Health officials want to avoid something like that happening in this case, but right now, there isn't much that can be done."
The doctor reappeared, "As long as noone has harmed themselves or anyone else, and they all chose to stay there, we legally can not force them out."
"Dr. Brennon of the state mental hospital says most, if not all of the cult's members will need some kind of counseling if they wish to break the psychological grip that Brother Bob has on them. Dr. Brennon is also very concerned about Bob himself.
The doctor said, "I think right now, he's probably very afraid, and I'm sure since he sees the modern world as some kind of enemy, I'm sure he feels like he's trapped on all sides. I would really like to help him before he does something desperate."
"Dr. Brennon says that although he believes that Brother Bob is a risk to the safety of the residents of his compound, a judge has refused to grant the state the right to involuntarily treat him or his followers.
meanwhile, the members of Brother Bob's church live a life far remote from their previous suburban surroundings with few of the emenities that they once enjoyed. Some of the younger members, children who never agreed to be inprisoned here say they aren't happy with the way the compound is being managed."
A teenage boy appeared with an iphone in his hand, "I can call out anywhere, but I can't get web except for right around the barn."
A girl appeared, "He doesn't even want to let us use the internet."
"that's right, Robert Gardener has restricted access to outside media. During an interview I had with Brother Bob later in my visit, he denied that this was to control his followers, but sighted financial reasons.
So how is Brother Bob financing all of this? From the hard earned dollars of his flock."
The scene changed to Jean Carlile, the accountant who had come along with Bob when the compound had started to help with the church's finances.
She explained, "Each person who makes an income brings half of it to me, and the rest of it is there's."
"Half their income?" Jessica's voice famed incredulity on behalf of the viewer.
Jean continued, "That's for the cost of all this you see here and for utilities, food for the pantry and the church dinners, supplies, all that. Noone here has to pay rent or an electric bill, they just give us half of what they take home."
the scene changed again to the sanctuary of the church where Bob sat at his desk. "During the interview, I asked Brother Bob point blank about the rumors that he was using drugs to control his people. He denied it, but he did say that he supported a person's right to refuse to take medicine because of their faith in God."
An audio clip was played. "We'd just leave them alone. As long as they're cooperative, we don't do anything," said Bob.
"I also asked about marriages between young girls and older men. While denying any poligomy was going on, Brother Bob said he wasn't opposed to minors being married in his compound."
Another audio clip aired, "I'd have to talk to her parents," Bob said.
"Talk to her parents, that's all it would take for a young girl to be married to an older man, and with the way Brother Bob has monipulated the people in his community, that is very possible. Brother Bob also made generalized comments about women that reveals his opinion about the inferiority of women as a gender. The third audio clip was of Bob saying, "Most girls today aren't mature enough to marry."
"When asked how he governed his cult, Brother Bob gave vague ambiguous answers and refused to be specific."
The scene changed one last time to an office with a professional-looking middle aged woman sitting at a desk. Jessica continued speaking, "Marianne Hauthorne of the Indiana Family and Social Services Administration says, they've got their eye on Brother Bob."
Marianne spoke, "He does pose a public health risk there's no doubt about that. A lot of those people need counseling, and they're not getting it as long as they live with him. He's mentally ill himself."
Jessica continued, "Health officials say that although Brother Bob can't be forced to submit to treatment, they are working on a case to put before a judge."
Mariann said, "What we need is any information from family or friends who have been in contact with members of this cult. They need to report anything to us that sounds suspicious, especially anything involving being harmed by Mr. Gardener or plans of a big collective action such as a demonstration or suicide. If there's any important dates to be watching out for, we would apreciate it if anyone with information about that would come forward as well."
Jessica added, "She went on to say that Health officials and doctors at the state mental hospital are really looking for information about how to get in to these people's heads, so any information that you could provide would be helpful."
Jessica signed off, and the main anchorperson advised viewers to call the number on their screen if they had information that might help authorities.
Bob had to think about what to do. not only were they receiving a bad reputation from the media, the government was preparing to attack the community. Up until this point, Bob had only mentioned bits and pieces of this situation to his flock. He wasn't sure what to tell them. He had to decide what to do. There was a lot to consider. Contacting the reporter would simply serve her more amunition to fire back at him later.
Last edited by kc9cra on Sun Sep 11, 2011 10:43 pm; edited 5 times in total
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Thunderbird
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| Posted: Sun Sep 11, 2011 1:01 pm Post subject: |
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Read the first portion and loved the premise - extremely real and gritty and down to earth storytelling. I'm not sure at what point in the editing process I captured it so I could read it at work but now that you've posted a second chapter I'll have to get that, read it and get back to you on it later. But yeah, so far, so good and very enjoyed.
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 CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...  
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Chinaren
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| Posted: Sun Sep 11, 2011 2:38 pm Post subject: |
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Apart from a few silly typos and the lack of formatting, that was actually pretty well written.
However, you need to publish a full chapter with a DP please. I'll let you off this time, but within the next seven days...
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kc9cra
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| Posted: Sun Sep 11, 2011 7:46 pm Post subject: thank you for the murcy |
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| I understand reading a chapter in more than one post can be problematic. I didn't mean to go all day without editing that, but I plan to edit out the message about more coming and actually finish the chapter. I was planning on finishing the news broadcast with details about how Bob's words were used against him and how spin was applied to footage taken at the compound. I should not have gone all day without doing that though. I visited my family and time got away from me. Again, thanks for letting me slide.
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| Posted: Mon Sep 12, 2011 6:44 pm Post subject: |
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lol... I know how that goes...(letting time get away from you)
don't worry - I'll be back for more of this soon (and I really do want to reinforce what C'ren said - it's damned good truth be told.)
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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| Posted: Mon Sep 12, 2011 10:50 pm Post subject: |
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I think you should have some kind of counter-advertising* campaign. Maybe bring in a professional spin-doctor or ad agency.
Time to fight back.
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| Posted: Tue Sep 13, 2011 1:23 am Post subject: |
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I agree with both Chinaren and TBird, a very unique premise for a Storygame.
I say he comes out and tells his followers the truth. I'd like to see a leader take a different route from the usual I-alone-know-what's-best-for-people route.
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kc9cra
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| Posted: Sun Sep 18, 2011 1:55 pm Post subject: |
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| I plan on doing that tonight. Hopefully it won't be too late, but I wanted to allow more time for imput since there isn't much. I don't think I have very many readers. I wrote my lst chapter last Sunday, so I figure as long as I get it done today, I'm cool.
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| Posted: Sun Sep 18, 2011 5:07 pm Post subject: |
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I read this and forgot to comment again... sorry!
Anyhow, still really liking this tale for its down to earth reality. The writing is good but needs... I'm not sure, perhaps a little flourish. But yeah, the challenges they're facing are certainly realistic to the challenges any community of that nature could face.
I say they need to make a video of their own and circulate it online. And have a bake sale and an open house, inviting the nearby communities to attend. SHOW they have nothing to hide.
But I f5 C'ren's great ideas there too!
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CHAPTER 25: Near-Light Speed (NEW CHAPTER! (12/4/2011))
Zephyrrr! And...
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| Posted: Tue Sep 20, 2011 8:56 am Post subject: so which snail forum |
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| Understandably, I must be moved to a slower forum because of my deviation from the speedwriter's polacy. I was thinking possibly scifiville. It's not sci/fi, but that one is also for the modern setting games. I'm sure I'll have others as well. I'll probably put another speed storygame up here soon.
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